Fifth Wednesday Precaution Alert

Hello, dear Three Bean Sunned Listener.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

You may be probably beavering away only PhD.

More than likely.

More than likely.

Or perhaps drilling into some Arctic ice for evidence of, well, I don't know, looking for Atlantis or whatever it is people do up there.

Or looking for the

the top-down passage, isn't it?

That's what people...

The human, you know.

The last unmapped part of the globe.

The spiral staircase.

The spiral staircase down that cartographers have dreamt of, haven't they?

Yeah.

Since

cartography began, Ben, in the

80s.

The late 80s.

In the super late 80s.

It's all word of mouth before then, wasn't it?

But yeah, the top-down passage, which would give you a spiral staircase from the Arctic

all the way down to the,

well, the

what's talked of as the potential internal French ridge,

which is

a sort of ridge that goes across from France all the way to the other side of the globe.

It's the Lava Riviera, isn't it?

The Lava Riviera, yeah.

And it also comes out then at the Count of France.

Yes.

The Count of France.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is a France where everything's backwards.

Yeah.

Which is theoretical.

But at the moment,

France can only be explained if there does exist a counter France.

So it's theoretical, but it's sort of like it's the dark matter of France, isn't it?

Yeah.

Without it, France is impossible.

Yeah.

But at the same time, no one's actually seen it.

So well, good luck if you're drilling down into that.

Yeah.

Can I interject with the letter an email we've had?

Yeah.

Because we have had an email from a man called Paul.

Hello.

who's a senior lecturer at the School of Earth and Environmental Sciences, St Andrews.

Oh.

So he's probably spending quite a lot of time looking for the Count of France.

I expect so.

But he's got a bollocking for Henry.

I just thought we could maybe just open with a bollocking.

Well, listen, this is not an episode.

This is to let them know that it's fifth Wednesday, so there's no episode.

But I think there is always time to squeeze in a bollocking for Henry.

I think our listeners will get behind that.

Yeah, I can't deny that.

Dear Beans, in your recent episode entitled Haircuts, Henry Packer intimated that, and I'm paraphrasing here, no one who has climbed the Andes or visited the Louvre has said the words chalk and limestone.

And before I move on, Henry, is that something you stand by?

It's good that these things are scrutinised, isn't it?

Especially by someone who's from the School of Earth and Environmental Science.

Yeah.

But it's also great that

we were talking about this in an episode about haircuts.

I stand by that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, Paul writes, perhaps Henry would like to take another look at the Lady of Auxerre, a statue displayed in the Louvre, which, although relatively small, brackets 75 centimeters high, is made of Cretan limestone.

Bloody hell.

Or perhaps he'd like to go walking in the Andes of southern Peru, where he might encounter the rocks of the Juan Carne group, which you've guessed it contain limestone beds.

Oh, God.

Ah,

you've been had there, Packer.

Wow.

I've been had.

He's got you on the hook.

You knew about those things, didn't you, Henry?

But you assumed

no one else did.

And that's why he's fallen hook line and plonker for a classic false flag

bollock entrapment scheme.

With a side salad to fuck you.

With a side salad of up yours, Paul.

Drizzled in hot, creamy, moist, tepid, cold, and warm double chalk mint chocolate.

So that last one is literal, not metaphorical.

That's literal.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

I mean, there's a bit more here.

He says, he says, in fact, the peaks of many high mountains, including the famous Mount Everest, are made of limestone and contain fossil shells.

I feel that limestone, brackets, and its relative chalk have been unfairly besmirched by old woolly backpacker.

Oh, what?

That's a hate crime, Paul.

That's a hate crime.

Paul, this was highfalutin to start with, and you've gone straight into personal remarks.

Climby.

And I, and the rest of the geology world, await an apology.

All the best.

You guys are great, Paul.

Listen, thank you, Paul.

May I say, I know a couple of geologists.

I do think geologists are the sort to be throwing personal appearance stones around the place with respect.

Because people in glass houses, right?

He's got woolly palms, probably, this guy.

He's got woolly palms.

He's basically just a huge sort of clod of sort of damp wool with some, with some, with some like some of those googly toy eyeballs you can get stuck in.

Probably quite calloused fingers.

Really calloused fingers.

So what I would say to Paul is.

So the first thing, which obviously you have to do, is obviously challenge him to a duel.

So that's

the challenge is there.

The gauntlet is thrown down.

The gauntlet is thrown down.

The choice of weapons is between quartz and a sheet of slate.

Quartz dagger?

A

quartz halberd.

What's a halberd?

Don't know.

I've never known.

I might even be saying the word wrong.

I'll be wearing a slate

sort of jerkin.

What's a jerkin?

I don't bloody know me.

If you scratch the surface of this podcast, none of us know what we're talking about at any moment.

We're just some people who've experienced some words.

We're having to regurgitate them in a panic.

You know, when you see a burnt-out crab, the sort of shell of a burnt-out crab that's

been set fire to by some teenagers.

After they had a joy crab.

Joy scuttle.

Such a senseless waste.

After they've been joy-scutting up and down an Aldi car park

and it's just left there.

You know, like from a distance, you think, oh, that's actually a crab.

But you come up to it and you go, oh no, it's just a burnt out shell of a crab.

There's nothing in it.

That's like us as a podcast.

Or a bit like when you see a packet of biscuits.

But it's just a burnt out packet of biscuits.

But it's just a burnt out packet of

biscuits.

That some teenagers have enjoy dunking

the night before.

But they've inflated the packet to look like it's full.

You know what I mean?

You come up to it.

So we've just got that surface knowledge.

The kind of we've just we're just carapace, no meat.

Do you know what I mean?

all potentially worse, because those teenagers, they would also

fill that burnt-out ask of a biscuit packet with turds, wouldn't they?

They'd find turds, and they'd

find

it might even be a flame, and you'd stamp it out.

You've got turtle over your shoes, and that's very much the listener experience.

That's the listener experience, isn't it?

Yeah.

You've got a PhD and turd on your shoes.

And no biscuits.

So, Henry, you've thrown down the gauntlet.

Yeah, so challengement.

But the other thing I'm going to say is,

I'm not accepting the bollock.

So the statement I made that Paul is disagreeing with is that no one who's visited the Andes or the Louvre

has said the words limestone or chalk.

Chalk and limestone.

Has said chalk and.

Now,

if you go up and look at that lady of Auxerre, which I'm doing now.

You're in the Louvre as we speak?

Yes.

I'm in the Louvre as usual.

I'm podcasting from a roped-off area of the Louvre.

I'm an exhibition called Podcaster.

I'm an exhibit called Podcaster.

I'm just looking at the statue.

It's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah, it is good.

But I'm looking at that.

I'm thinking workmanship.

I'm thinking craftsmanship.

I'm thinking.

What's she called again?

The Lady of Auxerre.

The Lady of Auxerre.

I'm thinking I quite like her hairstyle.

It's quite cool.

It's kind of like beaded dreads or something.

It's just.

It's got like an Egyptian vibe, isn't it?

It's got an Egyptian vibe.

Big hands.

Nice belt that's really setting off the

belt is sort of setting off the sort of shoulder pads.

I don't know, it's just a cool, sort of cool, cool-looking lady.

I'm certainly not thinking limestone.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm looking at the craftsmen ship.

I'm not thinking about what it's made of.

So people can look at that statue, but I didn't think anyone's saying limestone.

Do you know what I mean?

It's made of limestone.

I'm saying that.

I'm dragging the family up to the blurb where it's going to say limestone somewhere.

I'm reading it out to them.

You're saying limestone.

I'm saying limestone.

You're saying limestone.

Yeah.

But you're not going to the Louvre.

No, no, I wouldn't go to the Louvre.

Exactly.

That's a thought experiment that

cancels itself out.

That's not going to happen.

It could happen, but it won't.

I'm talking about whether things happen or not.

It doesn't happen.

Okay, well, taking that as read, what about the Andes then?

Yeah, same goes to the Andes.

What?

There's a chalk bed in the Andes.

Limestone bed.

There's a limestone bed in the Andes.

Again, you're in the Andes, you're going, I'm in the bloody Andes.

This is great.

You're not talking about the limestone bed.

Do you know what I mean?

And presumably the bed is quite deep under the Andes, I'm guessing, if it's a bed.

So, again, I think, you know, you walk up Snowden, you don't say granite.

Yeah?

Oh, here we go.

It's just going to be another bollocking.

It's going to be a professor from Banger that's going to get in touch.

Yeah, you know, you walk around Buckingham Palace, you don't say mahogany.

You didn't always say what things are made of.

You meet Henry Packer, you don't say 90% water.

You know what I mean?

10% beef.

Just because you're experiencing something doesn't mean you're saying what its component parts are, would be my argument.

I think that's a solid argument.

Yeah.

Sounds like a classic reflecto bollock to me.

Sounds like I think it's a reflecto bollock.

Reflecto bollock.

Take that, Paul.

Yeah.

You know, you have a meet and greet with a politician.

You don't say 95% lies.

Oh,

is what they're made of, in a way.

Lovely.

Change of government, no change of the swinging satire.

The swinging satire stays the same.

Governments change.

Yeah.

But the

jokes stay the same.

The three main satire jokes stay the same.

A, they're all liars.

B, it's all spin these days.

Three, sex things.

Sex things.

Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire.

Jonathan Swift.

Holding institutions to account.

Mark Twain.

Speaking truth to power.

Chaucer.

A core part of any healthy democracy.

Chumba Wumber.

Can our jokes actually change government policy?

Of course they can.

Quiet.

Please respect this important mode of humor.

So as Mike said earlier, this is not an episode.

No.

It's not an app i'm afraid we do not create an episode for the fifth wednesday of the month so yeah paul you can decide whether or not that reflecto bollock counted even therefore yeah maybe it doesn't yeah maybe none of it counted yeah well if a

if a bollock is reflecto bollocked in the woods and it's not an episode

did anyone say chalk or limestone

something for you listeners to to chew on during as you summer because we we're all we're all summering now aren't we?

But we shall return once we've summered.

Yeah.

We might have some southern hemisphere listeners, Mike.

Okay.

Who are overwintering?

They'll be hibernating.

Yeah, that's true.

It will be summering, won't we?

It will be summering.

They'll be wintering while we're summering.

Yeah.

Exactly.

So

happy Christmas to

our listeners in Auckland.

Happy Christmas to our southern hemisphere listeners.

Yeah.

And of course, in the southern hemisphere, the clocks go go anti-clockwise, don't they?

Into your bath plug.

Yeah, if you thrush them down a toilet.

Yes.

So

good morning and hope you sleep well.

We'll see you last year.

At the same time, going the other way.

Right.

Bye.

Bye, everyone.

Bye.

See you in September.

Don't go anywhere.

Bye.

The fifth Wednesday.

Fifth Wednesday.