Boats

Euros fever.

Euros fever.

Oh, yeah.

I think this will be out.

We'll know whether England had triumphed in the Euros.

Will the final have happened by the time this goes out?

Yeah.

So it will.

Because the final next week.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Blyny.

Predictions.

Well, I've got Slovakia on my local sweepstake, so I'm still.

Still holding out if they could somehow get back in.

Maybe if the entire Dutch team are killed in an air crash or something.

There needs to be a fairly horrific sequence of events needs to play out.

Or some sort of globe, sort of European takeover,

some sort of massive Slovakian war effort?

Oh,

the new Slovakian Empire.

The new Slovakian Empire?

We've just got a lot of work to do between now and Sunday, but...

Needs to get as far as Spain at least.

Yeah, they've got until this evening to take either either France or Spain.

I think they can do it.

Speed is key.

Speed is key when it comes to conquering.

I think for me, take France, Spain falls.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't think they need to worry about France and Spain.

Take France, Spain falls.

That's how I could.

Cut off the bridge to Spain.

It's all about bridges, guys.

Cut off the bridge to Spain.

Maybe flatten the Pyrenees.

No, that makes it easy to get.

Oh, I'm not sure, one or the other.

Tip the Pyrenees upside down or put them on its side so they're spiky and cars can't get past.

That's good idea.

I'd press them through, actually.

Would you?

Yeah, press them through.

Okay, yeah, so they're the same, but to make the biggest Pyrenees jelly mold the world has ever seen.

Yeah.

Well, the second, but second biggest after that, after the Habsburg one, what was it?

The Habsburg jelly mold.

So, how much, um, how much money is riding on your sweepstake, Mike?

Fiver.

Fiverr.

Yeah.

You're going to have to come to terms with the fact I think that fiver's gone.

I don't know what plans you had for it, or maybe the winnings.

I mean, how much do you, how much do you stand to win?

I think there's.

How many teams would there have been in the whole thing?

32, maybe?

That many fibers.

I mean, that kind of maths is impossible.

Part of UK culture, which for some reason I've never been involved with,

I don't know why, maybe you can help me work that out today.

Is people say things like, oh yeah,

in my local sweepstakes,

I'm with Slovakia with my...

I don't know what people are talking about.

People go, what are you with your sweepstakes?

And I I just sort of go, yeah, sorry, I've got to go.

I've forgotten I've got an appointment.

But I'm going to come back to you with my sweepstakes chat.

I've obviously got loads of sweepstakes chat and banter.

But I've got a

vital

stationery.

I've got a Ryman's.

I use a personal shopper at Ryman's.

And I've forgotten we've got an appointment.

So I've got to go.

But I'll be back later with

heaps.

I'll tell you what, I've got so much sweepstakes chat that I'm actually probably got a sweepstick about the time you'll get back from the highlights.

Yeah, so what are you doing?

Yeah.

If you knew what a sweepstick was.

And I'll certainly need a ring binder to categorise the different stages to my sweepstakes chat when I come back.

And luckily,

I'll be buying a suite of highlighter pens to

strengthen.

my the sweepstakes journey I'm going to take you on and I do see it as a sweepstakes journey when I come back.

All right, see you later.

Bye.

And no one ever hears from me again in that social group.

They never see me again.

They'll hear from me again.

I associate a sweepstake with, and this might be a bit unfair, just very boring office jobs where it's so boring that you have to grasp onto anything that could be a little bit exciting.

Yeah.

And that's what, that's kind of what sweepstakes are, right?

But I don't know who Mike's group of sweepstakers are.

Maybe fellows.

I mean, we all live in Exeter, and Exeter is the, you know, the urban equivalent of an office job.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Just being there is a is an admin, is a sort of soul-crushing admin task.

Just getting through the morning.

Even if you work

in one of Exeter's thriving creative industries, what are they again, Mike?

They do do a bit of pelt work.

There's in Marsh Barton Trading Estate, there is a pelt processing plant that really stinks in the summer.

Yeah.

But that's that that's what you're saying is they'll remove the pelt of anyone's seen reading The Guardian,

won't they?

You pelt them.

And they'll treat it, and

they'll turn it into a lovely little bath mat.

By the way, sorry, that's pretty unfair of me.

Is that Exeter

true blue, or is it red?

Exeter's red.

Exeter is a red blip surrounded by, usually surrounded by a blue.

Okay, yeah.

A bit of lib demo in there, I'd imagine.

There is, well, these days.

This podcast is a politically neutral podcast on behalf of the Liberal Democrats.

The only truly neutral political party.

We are politically neutral.

We don't care if you live or die.

Bring back hanging, don't bring back hanging.

Nationalise the railway, don't nationalise the railway.

I think Ed Davies' success

at the polling station.

Life-affirming or deeply depressing?

Totally life-affirming.

I've totally bought into the Ed Davy thing.

Fascinating.

If you're listening overseas, if you're listening from Inhospitable Ireland, this is the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party, centrist party, who did a series of wet stunts, didn't he, to get his message out.

He basically did a series of things that I imagine you sort of do on the weekends, Mike.

Do you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Zumber.

It's zumbering into bodies of water full of turds.

He did, it's quite parochial dad stuff he did, didn't he?

He was doing...

He was doing wacky dad stuff.

The sort of stuff where the kids go, oh, look at daddy.

Oh.

Oh, he's really injured his lower back.

Oh, look at dad.

He's um he's apologising for bringing in um tuition fees for students.

Just ruining a generation.

Oh, wacky.

Oh, he's he's hurt.

He's hurt his back going down that ward slide.

And he also has no political backbone, does he?

In the way that he

sold out an entire generation so that he could

get his little fingernails into just a little bit of power during that grotesque

you know, deal with the devil that was

the,

well, the coalition.

Very neatly done.

Politically neutral podcast.

Brought to you by the Liberal Democrats.

Also, by the way, in case it didn't sound like a teenager talking throughout that little bit I did, I was actually vaping at the same time.

I don't associate vaping with teenagers so much.

There's kind of people our age, really.

I was wearing a crop top.

I was wearing a crop top then as well.

Okay.

I had three roller skates on.

what is vaping?

Is vaping not teenager?

Vaping is very teenage, Ben.

Sorry to say, what you think it's Blairite?

What were you saying it was, Ben?

I don't know, it feels like the younger generation are a bit more abstemious than our generation, so they don't

bang into vaping, but they're into vaping.

Yeah,

modern education is all about vaping.

The UK's secondary schools stink of mango all times.

Yeah, this is well known, well-doctor known.

And it's not because they're into um Muller Corners, is it?

No.

If they could vape a Muller Corner, they would.

A thick, creamy, dairy vape.

One of the things that's merciless about time, isn't it, is the way it just keeps on rolling.

Have we tuned the frequency into the inner monologue?

I was this new microphone.

It goes deep.

No, just like in terms of what the younger generation are into, because Ben, you've got me panicking, because I, for me, the younger generation are into vaping, and you're saying, because it will be the case that they're not even into vaping anymore, because it just keeps on rolling.

I don't know anything about the younger generation.

Actually, there isn't a younger generation.

There's multiple younger generations now, Ben.

I mean, how many are there?

I didn't even know.

Is anyone keeping track?

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, there's, yeah.

I know that they don't drink, do they?

But is that true?

Is that still true?

Things change, you know, they probably do again now.

Mike.

I think some of them do.

Friday just gone, I was persuaded to do an inspiring speech for some school leavers, oh my god, which filled me with dread.

And I got the sense that they it depends on the gang, but there definitely are groups that do love a pint, like back in the old days.

And you were happy to dish them out, wouldn't you, Mike?

Hang on, was this about how you kick smack?

Or not?

It's about

How by running 8,000 marathons a day for 8,000 days in a row through the continent of Asia, I kicked Smack.

Finally, kick smack.

Yeah.

So you gave an inspiring speech, and what was the vibe you picked up?

The vibe I picked up afterwards because a couple of their, I think they're sort of, I don't know what they would be, they're sort of senior pupils, they're sort of equivalent of head girl and head boy type thing.

Yeah.

They made a couple of sort of wink and a nudge references to the pub and that that kind of stuff.

It's full of like teachers and parents and all that kind of thing.

So there's, I've got the sense that at least some of them are still into the old-fashioned booze.

And that's the vibe they were giving off.

What was the vibe you were giving off?

I don't know.

It's already like a sort of bit of white noise in my memory.

I did find myself

dancing into the areas of booze and drugs at one point.

I don't know why.

I also found myself, perhaps needlessly,

warning or reminding them that genital herpes remains incurable.

Felt ill-judged at the time as it came out of my mouth.

I'm not quite sure what happened.

I think I tried to wrap it up as quickly as possible after that.

But I mean,

we've always spoken about this podcast.

If people take anything away from it, it's the fact that genital herpes is still incurable, guys.

And please do not think just by swamping the whole area in yogurt, it's going to make it

even your premium mango flavoured yogurts.

Even your muller corners.

And even, and people are often not clear about this, even biological yogurt,

it will make pressure.

Yes, it will relieve symptoms, won't it?

It'll relieve it will

relieve some symptoms.

It'll certainly take your mind off it.

People take your mind off it.

Or even a yogurt cravings, any residual yogurt cravings you might have.

A proper locally sourced Greek yoghurt, yes, of course.

100% guaranteed protection.

Yeah.

But

not your shop board.

No, no, no, no, no.

So hang on.

What was your brief, Mike, from the...

It was to be given in.

I don't.

I tried to warn them again.

Was this your old school?

Was it going to be?

No, no, it's just a local school.

But

we live in Exeter and, you know, it's a state school.

And so

I think they wanted someone to speak.

There's no one famous who lives here.

I assume they've probably been through all of the Exeter Chiefs, who are the actual proper local celebs, right?

The rugby players.

Is that what it is?

Rugby players, yeah.

And then, so they asked me, and I said, I don't know if you particularly want a provincial middle-aged man with a couple of kids, you know, and a horrible dose of hopes.

A horrible dose of Hips.

Permanent, incurable, living with.

I might now have to live with.

You live with it, don't you?

And what were you shooting for in terms of like inspirational?

That was what I was asked to provide was inspiration.

Yeah.

I don't think I met that requirement necessarily.

I'm imagining Mike doing a kind of...

So yeah, I imagine, because this is how I'm picturing how it went.

Mike would have been brought on the stage by the headmaster.

Yeah.

And Mike would have then said something like, thank you very much,

Mrs.

Stevens, whatever it was.

The head teacher did a really nice speech before I went to

full of literary references.

It was really nicely done.

It was tonally, like it was a bit amusing at times.

It was moving at times.

It wasn't patronising.

It was just, it was just,

I was lost in his words.

So in comedy terms, you would think of the MC is doing too well.

This is not good MCing.

This is not how it's supposed to work.

You're supposed to make the acts look good.

Exactly.

I'm being outshone by the Support Act.

But I imagine, Mike, what you did is you went onto the stage and then you're like,

yeah,

was it a male or female headteacher, can I ask?

It was a male headteacher.

Thanks very much, Mr.

Stevens.

Although,

actually, and then you look at the kids, and it would be very much like, this isn't about authority.

mean, you'd give them a look, like, yeah, thanks, Mr.

Stevens.

You maybe even done a little, maybe a little toss a sign with your hand.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did all that.

And then you

followed all of your instructions.

And it had been a really nice atmosphere up until then.

Parents and students are like, what are these bloody rules anyway?

And you're taking the chair.

Yeah, I pushed the podium over.

You pushed the podium over, injuring two students in the front row or really freaking them out.

The two who worked for the Commonwealth and were about to do their own speech, but

that's the end of their athletics career right there.

Ripping a speech up.

Also, a few of them going, oh, but I actually really like Mr.

Stevens.

He actually had a really tough time last year, and he really helped me through it.

And you'd be like, dweeb?

Yeah,

you're a dweeb, aren't you?

And then you've got a small cabal of students would be behind you, mainly against a lot against you, a lot behind you, mostly indifferent.

Three or four different pockets of people crying at this point.

And you just go,

I have to lean into it now.

Dweeb, dweeb, dweeb.

And then you're sort of stamping on the podium, breaking it up.

Let's divide and rule.

Divide and rule.

I'm barely a minute into this.

Who needs fucking rules?

I didn't get to where I am because of fucking rules.

So screw you.

And then you start tearing art down off the walls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which, I mean, it was in a conference center at the rugby club.

So I did have to install the art.

You have to install it yourself so you could tear it down to make a point.

And I assume you're vaping throughout, right?

Or maybe a blunt?

I think he's got a blunt.

I wasn't sure what any of that was, but again, that was all on Henry's instruction.

So I rolled up a piece of A4 paper in a conical shape

and held that.

And in case any of you are worried about the fire alarms, I disconnected them all last night.

So yeah, you can set fire to the Tindling from that destroyed podium.

Go for it.

Yeah, and then just had a trestle table and sold some merch on the way out.

Good stuff.

Job done.

So I think it went all right.

Yeah.

I'm still waiting for the give an inspiring speech at a school your old school, your old school um call, but it is quite hard to keep track of people because of the period I was at school.

It was sort of well, it was it was enough years before the digital handover that actually it's quite hard to keep track of

they know where you are, Henry.

Do you even still live within a five-yard radius of I do, pretty much where you grew up?

I walk past every day,

no, uh, yeah, but still waiting for that call.

But I suppose if you're a genuine rabble outside the scientists, do you know what I mean?

It's a bit like would you call one of the guys from the sex pistols, for example,

true countercultural voices, probably.

Do you know what I mean?

Actually, would see it as a badge of honor to not have been invited to give a talk at a school, in a way.

To get back to the original topic, I've never been in a sweepstakes.

Oh, yeah.

Should we do one?

I think say literally not a sweepstakes.

And the other thing I don't know about.

The other thing I've never been in is people say to you,

how's your fantasy football team doing?

I don't know what you're talking about.

No one's ever asked me to do that.

I would have thought you would have been asked to do that.

I know.

I would have thought so.

Because you've got the knowledge base.

It's not that I'm not liked.

That's the one thing that I know is a foundation stone that I can build from.

It's not that I'm not liked.

And if it was because or related to the fact that I might sometimes be insufficiently liked, I wouldn't be saying, I wouldn't be talking about it this much,

probably.

Do you know what I mean?

So it's not that.

What is it?

Well, would you like to be invited to a sweepstake?

No, fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

If you don't want me in it in the first place, I have to fucking ask.

What's the fucking point?

Screw all of you.

Ben and I could invite you to one of our many ongoing sweepstakes.

We just didn't think you'd be.

No, I just

genuinely.

Yeah, Ben, are you in a sweepstakes?

I'm running a few.

We've got the date of Macron's death.

I've got 2042 on that one.

So you can sweepstakes anything, can you?

You can sweepstake anything.

And how does it actually work?

Let's set up a sweep.

You know what?

I've never been in a sweepstakes.

Yep.

In a sweepstake?

The singular is.

I've never been in a sweepstake.

I think it's because I've never worked in a sort of Kafkaresque nightmare job for long enough.

That's what we're saying is it's a kind of antidote to kind of

Kafkaresque hell zones of bureaucracy and stuff.

So let's do one.

What do you fancy?

Something political?

Outcome of a trial?

Is there anything we could do that will be decided within this the course of this

series?

We could sweep stake the rest of the Euros, right?

So we could see who's going to win the Euros.

There's four potential teams.

There's three of us.

Yeah.

So I can say to people, God, yeah.

Yeah, in my sweep.

I'll be able to say, because that's, I assume that's the main reason people do it.

I'll be able to, tomorrow I'll be able to say to people, yeah, in my

sweep stakes, in my sweep steak, I've got Holland, whatever.

I'll be able to say that, yeah, and people go, Oh, yeah, I know what you mean, mate.

Do you have another pint?

Oh, God, bloody hell, I hate my Kafka as a job.

Do you hate your Kafka-esque job?

Yeah, me, I really bloody hate my Kafka-square job.

Yeah, I work down at the old, um, I work down at the old Kafka Institute.

I have to file and record all references to Kafka in modern culture.

It's actually double Kafka-esque in a way.

It's a Kafka-esque.

And my boss is called Dave Kafka.

It's just a coincidence.

No relation.

No relation.

Well, shall I draw the sweepstake?

What's he going to do?

Oh, so we don't choose.

Oh, that's why it's a sweepstake.

Henrietta.

I literally have never done a sweepstake.

And that's why people talk about it in that kind of resigned, oh, yeah.

I've got bloody Sue Pollard.

Who have you got in your...

Oh, no.

Why would have Mike chosen Slovakia to win the Euros?

I don't know.

So it's about submitting yourself to the randomness of...

Yeah, it's about giving yourself someone to root for, but it's given to you in the office sweepstake.

Yeah.

And then if you win, does that mean you do photocopy your buttocks and send them to Bratislava?

Or you don't photocopy your buttocks and fax them to Bratislava.

The people of Bratislava photocopy their buttocks.

And fax all of them to you.

And you have to receive

literally millions of different buttons.

So you have to usually be in between 10 a.m.

and 2 p.m.

For the rest of your life.

Yeah.

To receive all of them.

Exactly.

Okay.

I've written the names of the remaining teams.

And if you're not from the UK or not from Europe, the Euros are the

European Football Championships.

Who gets the fourth team?

That's going to be hard to work out, isn't it?

Who's the fourth team?

Maybe Pam?

Okay, great, sweet.

Okay, so I've got the four here.

Yeah.

How would we do this?

So, Henry, you say stop.

Stop.

You, my friend, are supporting the Netherlands.

Okay.

You don't look happy with that at all.

I'm feeling it.

I want to go to a pub and talk to three middle-aged men and tell them.

God, you'll never believe what I've got in my sweepstake.

Bloody Holland.

Well, it's a great chat if, you know, because then you have one of the chats that you do is, oh, golly, it'd be nice if England won, but I tell you what, if Holland, when there's a bit of a silver nine, exactly, when the sweepstake.

Nice bit of chat.

Mike, kind of beers will be on you.

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like sweepstakes are keeping a lot of people trapped in unsatisfying careers.

and marriages and marriages

the sweepstakes thing is okay Mike and and now in podcasts in podcasts say when

stop

oh my boy supporting england

oh england

okay so see now henry tomorrow tomorrow night's game yeah between england and the netherlands becomes Mike versus Henry.

Okay.

See?

Because of the office sweepstakes.

Yes.

Steak.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, very good.

So maybe in the office in the day, YouTube can have some banter about that.

And Ben, who have you got?

I need to choose between these two.

Not looking.

I've got France.

France.

That means

Pam has Spain.

Very good.

Let's put a quid in each.

Yeah.

Pam might win four pounds.

What will you do with that?

She'll eat them and she'll shit shit them out, and they'll come out lovely and shiny.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Rowan.

Thank you, Rowan.

Thanks, Rowan.

Spelled like the trousers?

Sorry?

Spelt like the trousers?

Rowan trousers.

Rohan, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, Rohan make excellent semi-permeable, fummi-permeable, or completely non-permeable trousers.

They're the only company that I know of that all three.

I think it's more likely to be Rowan, isn't it?

As in the Berry.

As in the Atkinson.

Yeah, I'm just asking how they're on spell, mate.

Yeah, you're talking about Rohan, though.

I am, yes.

Rohan.

Are they called Rohan, those trousers?

Okay.

Like in Lord of the Rings,

there's a sort of.

Yes, there's an elf that wears Rohan trousers.

That's why he's so hard to defeat.

It's so hard to defeat the Rohan trouser-wearing elves.

They can defeat their sense of morale, at least, because come rain or shine.

They've got

legs.

And they're just one zip away from having access to their to be able to get to the toilet quite easily.

Do you know what, Henry?

I recently almost bought bought some Rohan trousers, and I pulled out of that nosedive because it felt too middle-aged, and I couldn't, I sort of couldn't bring myself to do it.

They're such a practical trouser.

Yeah, you can wear them wading through a river.

Smart cache.

Smart cache.

Dress them up, dress them down.

Dress them up, dress them down.

You can't wear them to win awards, due, but I don't think that's going to be a problem.

That was a bit harsh.

Where did that come from?

I think Mike's thing about being asked to do do a speech at a school has hurt me.

Well, I'm not going to say hurt, but I have said hurt.

I've said it, say hurt.

It's helped me in a deeper way, in a deeper way than I thought possible, actually.

Are me and Mike are going to have to basically put together a fake school?

Like, I think it might be time to pay 200 teenagers to sit in a room.

Yeah.

It's time to unlock the Academy Protocol.

We've been preparing this for years.

So we want trained actors for the front row, then just any teenagers with the next two rows.

And after that, you can paint a backdrop.

Well, the trouble is that we put this protocol into place quite a long time ago.

So some of those actors now are themselves nearing middle age.

They were teenagers at the time.

They can play staff room.

They can be teachers standing at the back.

Okay, we're going to have to retrain some kids.

Yeah, if you could put together

a bogus sixth-form college for me at some point in the next two or three weeks, it'll be tricky because we've discussed it for me to not see it coming.

Hang on, so

you're aiming at sixth-form college?

Yeah,

okay.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know.

Well, that's top tier, really, when it comes to school leavers.

You're thinking more like a speech in front of some primary school children?

Well, you do your funny little drawings and things, don't you?

Or maybe a bore stool?

They're not little drawings.

Some of the drawings are big.

Some of them are medium.

Some of them are small, depending on what's needed from the client.

Fuck off, all of you.

I'm sick of this, by the way.

I'm treated like an absolute dirt on this podcast.

It's coming out.

Fine.

It's coming out now.

They're not silly little drawings.

Some of them are little, yes.

Some of them are silly, but if it's in, that's what the client needs.

Oh, what do you mean with a big, serious drawing?

Do you draw a fing great, massive, great funeral on a wall opposite your house?

I will,

frankly kindly, if a client would pay me.

Sorry, I'm out of control.

Henry's Guernica.

Yeah.

You said there were silly little drawings, and now there's a big, serious drawing.

The Spanish Civil War.

On your house.

The Spanish Civil War.

On your house.

So, yeah.

Careful what you wish for.

You didn't wish for it, it, technically.

Some of the most ambitious, graffiti, revenge graffiti of all time.

Revenge graffiti.

And then on my house, just a simple cock and balls.

Spunking?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

And if you had any doubts about whether herpes was curable or not, have a look at the big penis I've drawn on your house bene because it does have herpes.

Yeah, it's got the marks of herpes.

Are they silly and little, those marks?

No, they're serious little rashes.

Are they?

I don't know.

All I know is it's uncurable.

That's what I learned today.

I didn't know that, Mike.

Incurable.

Incurable.

Both.

Whichever way you look at it.

Discurable.

But the symptoms can be soothed.

With yogurts.

This week's subject, a sentinel by Rowan with a woo, with a W, is, and have we done this before?

This is the first time I've come across one where I'm not sure if you've done it before.

I feel like I've reached a level now where I can't remember all our past episodes.

Okay.

Boats.

Ooh.

We had submarines.

We've definitely did cruises or something.

I remember Henry drawing the Titanic or the...

We've done the Titanic.

Are there any other forms of boats?

Do you count a canoe as a boat?

I think so.

I haven't talked about canoes much.

Have you got some

hot takes on canoes, Mike?

I don't know that I've necessarily got any new takes on canoes.

I think I very much toe the line when it comes to sort of canoe thinking.

Which is occasional holiday idea that you get fully behind despite the fact that your family starts to lose interest and eventually it becomes a really cold and unpleasant day.

I do also exactly and I do also live in an area where sometimes people feel that the thing that they should do to sort their life out is buy a canoe.

That happens around here a bit.

Yes.

And it sits on top of their car for quite a few months until they sell it again.

Yeah.

It's that moment when you realise that talking about the office sweep steak isn't doing it for me anymore, Barnard.

You need to be able to tell them that I've got a canoe or something.

I think it's a moment in life where also where you go, so I've got two options.

Now, I know the society frowns on it, it but basically

it's that thing of having a second secret family

or a canoe or a canoe so i've got pros and cons

i've got you make a pros and cons list that's what you do

second family pro well it writes itself doesn't it it's an entirely second family lots of chat fuel ongoing costs though yeah con it's a second family i mean if i if i've had issues with if i had issues with my first family how's the second one gonna

if anything it's just doubling the problem potentially.

In the pro column, unlikely to make you drown.

That's true.

That's true.

Or even wet.

I mean, if you're worried about the second family just being the same family, then you need a different sort of family for the second family, don't you?

Yeah.

Like, you need to have a marry into the royals, something like that.

Secretly.

It's quite hard to keep that less less C is to keep that secret.

Yeah.

I think they want to be on the other side of town minimum.

Although, convenience-wise, that's a negative, isn't it?

Depends if they're on the same bus route, it might be quite good.

That would be good, wouldn't it?

Then you work out the logistics.

How does it work?

So you pop around there for dinner.

So basically, you have to keep saying, sorry, Barbara, I think I've got,

I've got to do a really, really big dump.

I'm going to say two to two and a half hours.

I'll do it back at the office.

I'm going to save on toilet paper.

It's really bad, Barbara.

So you dress it up as a kind of life hack.

Think about it, Barbara.

There's more time for you and the kids.

I would say a pretty key part of this, Henry, is that you need both of your wives to be called Barbara.

Yes.

I was going to say, otherwise, it's going to be too hard to keep proud of.

Because you don't want to be in a situation where you go, sorry, Barbara.

I mean, Barbara.

I mean, you're both called Barbara.

It's not a problem.

I mean, both of you, you, as if you.

I love you twice because you said great.

Ba, Barbara, ba, ba, bar, ba, ba, bar, bar, bar, ba, bar, ba, bar, a.

It's another Beach Boys night, Barbara, Barbara, Bar, Barbara, Barbara, ba, Barbara, ba.

And you can cover it.

You know what?

All this Beach Boy seeing has made me think I'm going to do another about two to two and a half hour dump.

You later, Barbara.

Then you go go around to the other house hang on where are you doing your dumps though well you can't you can't that's the trouble with us

but you won't have time to do it this is in transit in the Volvo into a special bag it's gonna have to be special bag Volvo yeah you're gonna what you're gonna have to have is a burner volvo so you're gonna have to have at least three volvos

the one volvo which is you know which corresponds to each family unit and then a separate secret volvo which looks like the other two which you use to get between the two and go to the toilet yeah and that has to be a burner volvo so you have to get rid of it at the end of the day and get a new so you can get if you volvo as you go you can can get a Volvo for about 25 quid.

Cash.

Cash.

And you just evolve it as you go.

So you need to use one of those.

You should get them getting

from your nearest

Volvo showroom.

Are you getting a new Volvo?

You're getting a new Volvo.

It's a Berner Volvo, Ben.

Okay.

Have you been listening to what I was talking just now?

I get a second M1, is what I'm saying.

You're getting a brand new Volvo every time.

I've created a comical device.

For the love of Christ.

It's a Bernavolvo.

It's a Volvo as you go, Volvo.

I try, don't I?

That's all you can do sometimes.

By the way, also, this works.

It's not just men that have second value.

If you're a woman, you can do the same thing and just make sure both your husbands call Bob or Bobbara.

Ideally, Bobbaro.

There's also same sex opportunities.

There's all sorts of things.

But just make sure they've got the same name.

Barbara or Bobba as you want.

But as long as they've got the same name,

consistency is key.

So it's a tricky, isn't it?

In the middle of the night.

So how does it actually work?

So do you have to have an actor that's playing you at night?

Or do you do the thing of stuffing loads of cushions

into a duvet?

Or gluing some hair on?

Onto the cushions.

Sticking some hair on.

In the right places.

The problem is when your wife starts taking more of a shine to the glued on hair version of you than the real you.

Henry, I'm sorry it's come to this, but me and glued on hair pillowcase version of you are going to make a go of it together.

I made a pros and cons column.

He owns his own canoe, you understand.

He's aspirational.

And he doesn't buy a new Volvo every day.

And that's why I'm declaring this marriage null and volvoid.

Like it.

Does it work?

Does it work?

I'm not sure.

I mean, it sounded euphemistic.

It sounded like

a sort of robotic space vagina.

So you'll excuse me.

you're excused?

I beg your pardon.

You dare to make fun of the Volvoids?

They're coming for you, Mike.

If I could find them, if only I could find this bloody clitotron device.

I don't know where it is.

Oh, no.

Sweet Jesus.

That was fine, I thought.

Me?

The Clitotron device?

Can't find it.

Can I butt in about an email we've had?

Please.

You came permanently close to Henry to singing the Barbara song.

Bar Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbara.

Bar-ba-ba-ba-ba-bar-bara.

It's a Beach Boy song.

No, we made up our very own Barbara song only two episodes ago.

I know that, and I saw that someone on Twitter said that it was plagiarism.

Did they?

No, they didn't.

But someone said, like, listen to this other song.

It's similar or something.

Twitter with rhubarb or something?

I don't know.

Oh, no, we've...

This is probably another song.

We've got loads of emails about this.

So there's a a German TikTok sensation

who's a German rapper who's done a rap about a woman called Barbara who sells rhubarb from her bar or something.

And it's a kind of like tongue twister.

Okay.

It's not to do with that.

And I listen to it and I hate it.

I don't think Germans should rap.

I just don't think those, I don't think that language and that medium work at all.

Yes.

Interesting.

Okay.

Putting your neck on the line there.

Yeah.

I feel you.

I've not heard it, but I feel you.

Anyway,

we've had an email from John.

Hi, Beans.

I recorded the Bar Bar Barbara song with my four children in the van after singing it all day at work.

My children quickly picked up the catchy tune and evocative lyrics and joined in.

I was particularly impressed with my two-year-old's pronunciation.

So I've got that for you now.

Are you ready?

Yeah, for that, please.

Can we just go, Lad?

No, no, no, we've got to do it.

We've got to do it.

One more time, practice it.

Yeah.

Everybody be on the rule.

Daddy, make sure you know where to go.

Yeah, and I'll tap Marin.

Yeah, you do.

Every time

Marin,

when Daddy taps you, you have to say Baba Bar.

Yeah, you have to say Baba Barbera.

Or Baba Baba Bar.

Okay, ready?

Yep.

Baba Barbara, Baba Barbara.

Baba Wa Wawa.

I love you.

Baba Barbara, Baba Barbara.

Baba Wara.

I also like to.

Baba Barbara, Baba Barbara.

Baba Wara.

I love you.

Baba Barbara, Baba Barbera.

Baba Wa Wa.

I also also like to.

Baba Barbara, Baba Barbara.

Baba Barbara.

Baba Barbara.

That's really good.

Very good.

I need to answer the phone.

Yeah, social services.

He's got three kids, and one of them was clearly driving the car.

That is not acceptable.

Poor old Marins trying to sing along while bloody pulling onto an A-road.

That was very, very sweet.

Lovely stuff.

That's based on a song we did a few weeks ago.

That's the best version of it that exists.

Best version.

They also made it a nicer song because they took away the I loathe you.

Yeah, I think he sanitized the

communication.

Which was right.

I was doing take on it.

It was lovely.

Golly.

Very, very nice stuff.

Yeah.

When I was a kid, I think it was part of being in Cubs or something.

Oh, yeah.

One of those things.

And we did canoeing and we were entered, sort of against our will, really, into a race along the Brecon Canal.

See, that's actually quite a nice canal, probably, compared to the canal.

It is a nice canal.

But I, you know, to this day, have no upper body strength whatsoever.

No upper body strength.

Yeah.

You just none.

No.

And it's always been the case.

Yes.

You've got mid-body strength, haven't you?

It's all about me eating my haunches.

So you've got such low upper body strength, haven't you, that you only use paper cutlery, don't you?

And can only eat paper food.

And you have to say to people, you know what?

Should we just do this picnic style?

And they'll be like, it's the middle of November and we're in a carvery.

And you'd be like, no, just indulge me.

Let's do it picnic style.

And you get plates out and stuff, don't you?

Or you just trough it.

You know what?

Should we do this?

You know, sort of agriculture stuff.

Should we do it, pigs in a trough?

Should we trough this?

Let's trough it.

Yeah, because then...

And what happens is you don't, you don't so much, because a pig actually has quite strong upper body strength.

It can move its neck into the the trough, out of the trough, it can wiggle it about.

You know, pigs have quite complex social code to do with neck strength and upper body strength.

Whereas you, what happens is your body just hinges forward.

And a pig does have arms, in case anyone's worrying.

It does have arms or it doesn't have arms.

It does have arms.

It does have arms, that's right.

Yes.

Yeah, it doesn't have two sets of legs.

Otherwise, it'd have two arses.

Exactly.

You solved the pig paradox, didn't you?

Because that befuddles people

for centuries.

If a pig's got two sets of legs, why has it only got one arse?

Four legs, one anus.

It's impossible.

It doesn't make any sense.

Aristotle, what do you think?

Beats me?

Four legs, one anus.

That was the name of that sketch group you were in, Ben, wasn't it?

University.

Yes, and I was Amos.

Was you, Sue Barker, and Ryan Gosling, wasn't it?

Yeah, so they provided the four legs.

Yeah.

And I was the Amos.

Anyone wants to know why Sue Barker and Ryan Gosling were at university at the same time?

No, it's because Ryan Gosling was actuallyn't at university at the same time.

He was doing deep research, wasn't he, to play Sue Barker

during the interview with Andy Murray last week, congratulating him on his career, which he pulled off brilliantly.

Did you see it?

So you think that wasn't Sue Barker.

So where is Sue Barker?

Sue Barker has been dead since 1967.

And this is something, this is a whole internet world model.

Let's not go down it now, but it's very, very dark business.

But when you win an Oscar, actually, what happens is you unscrew the head and there's some instructions and a little slip of favour, and you just discover whether or not you're going to be the next.

You are Sue Barker for the next year, then, aren't you, basically?

They've all done it.

Yeah.

And if anyone wants to query the fact that Ryan Gosling has won an Oscar, he has actually won an Oscar, hasn't he?

Has he?

Yeah, he has.

He has.

Yeah, has he?

Has he?

He does.

He is for sound engineering.

For sound engineering.

On

White Squall.

Is that a film?

What were you saying?

Oh, my poor upper body strength.

So yeah, I'll often get out a sort of telescopic drawer.

That's right, a telescope.

And then what you'll say to people is:

I can get myself into the trough,

but when I start

hitting it with my arm, hitting the side of it, that means get me out.

And not with your arms, because that's not going to make any sound, is it?

It's with your chin or face.

Well, it's with, I've got, because

I've got chin-operated arms, which

if you wonder what Clive Sinclair's been up to since the C5 Day protocol, it's making me chin-operated arms.

Then yank me out because I will perish if left

left immersed in the left in the gravy.

Yeah.

And you're easy to yank only because you've got those strings attached to you because you're basically as similar to a marionette as a man can be, aren't you?

Both

in muscle tone and in strings.

And also, you only eat gravy, isn't it?

Because you've got no internal muscle strength either.

You can't digest anything other than gravy.

And you do bring your own, but you don't make it because, of course, you can't make gravy.

But you do.

Do you mean I can't make gravy or one can't make gravy?

Of course, you can't make gravy.

It's collected.

It's begotten.

Yeah, well, it's summoned, isn't it?

There are two days of the year, and it can be summoned

from the, unfortunately, increasingly depleted ancient forests of Britain

that's where it's summoned the meat forests the meat forests yeah so I was doing this

kayak race yep and everyone just steamed off ahead and then it was just me on my own as a nine-year-old or something just in the middle of nowhere with no sense of where

how far behind I was

and I remember feeling very good about myself because I managed to get to the end and it was really really painful my arms were throbbing it was horrible But when I got to the end everyone had left and it was blimey.

It was over well there wasn't even like the deep the deep kayaking crew weren't there to get you out and to kind of wash you down I think my parents were there, but like everyone else had finished like half an hour before and that's when you thought to yourself I might not have upper body strength.

I know that now.

I always suspected but I now know this, I have incredibly low body strength compared to my peers.

But what I do have.

It's also low self-esteem.

Incredibly low self-esteem.

And I think that even though I might not have upper body strength, I might not have self-belief, but what I do have and what I can fall back on is sheer malevolence.

You fools.

I'm going to be really petty forever.

Sorry, Bonjour, that's really unfair now.

The only reason

we jibe Benjamin in this way is because

he.

Because of his evil past.

It's because of his evil past and why evil present and future evil present and future this man's got a mean streak 65 000 miles bloody wide thanks no ration

i mean benjamin's actually benjamin's actually pre nice man that's that's the irony

let's read your emails yes please

give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot chewing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

Freebeansaled pod at gmail.com is the address.

And Ira sent an email to that address, and now we're reading it.

Thank you, Ira.

It's just an image, so I'm going to share that with you.

It's not Ira Glass.

Is it?

From this American Life podcast.

Hello, Amara Glass.

Today, dogs.

Dogs when you need them.

Dogs we don't need them.

And sometimes a dog can save your life.

Ooh.

Oh, oh, yes, please.

So Ira sent in, he's come across a bookshelf with a number of Robert Ludlam thriller novels.

Platty hell, those are good.

With some great names.

We've got...

The Road to Omaha.

The Aquitaine Progression.

Yeah, the Roadhammer is the only one that doesn't really follow the usual because everything else is the Icarus agenda.

We've got the Bourne Ultimatum, which is obviously well known.

Yeah.

The Icarus agenda.

The Matlock Paper.

Oh, those are brilliant.

What's that?

The Gemini contenders.

That's my favourite one, I think.

Yeah.

That is incredible.

Really good stuff.

Yeah, so that's using the

sort of lore of those books, isn't it?

Which is the

name

followed by official and hopefully exciting sounding sort of noun.

Yeah.

The Barbara portfolio.

That sort of thing.

Caroline has also sent us.

There's a lot of people sending us photos at the moment.

Okay.

Caroline writes, hi, beans.

Hello, Caroline.

I would like to challenge the idea that rats are not sweet and cute eating strawberries as discussed in the recent episode.

I've attached pictures of my pet rats doing exactly that.

Oh, dear.

Although, I might be biased, and you'll still find the pictures horrific.

All the best, Carrie.

Okay, so

I mean, I thought the person sending that email was already quite scary before they revealed that the name was Carrie.

My name's Carrie and I'm into rats.

Yeah, it's going to be a blood-curdling evening.

Yeah.

I'm going to send you the image now.

Oh,

oh, it's right on the cusp, isn't it?

Oh, it's right on the cusp.

No, it's not for me.

The tail is the tail is too

pinky-pinky.

Oh, Carrie.

But you know.

It's the rope-like tail, isn't it?

So to describe the photo, Carrie has sent us a photo.

It's a beautifully sort of symmetrical kind of composition where there's a...

So you're looking right sort of at the crown of the

crispy green crown of the strawberry.

It's facing the viewer.

We'll have to share it if we're allowed.

That strawberry is beautifully lit.

Beautifully lit, shiny, bright.

Well, I mean, that photo of a strawberry could happily be in the window of a Sainsbury's.

Were it not for the rat on top of it?

You might have to do something about the rat.

I've told you, we can't allow regional managers to make decisions on storefront photographs.

We can't.

We know that rats are technically a clean beat.

Actually, do we even know that rats are technically a clean animal?

I think we even do.

We know that that's a relatively clean rat, from what we can see of it.

So the rat is kind of its claws on each side of it.

So the rat's facing the viewer.

And if you zoom in, chomping down.

It's got very nicely

lacquered nails.

The rat is an absolutely super.

I mean...

Hello.

I mean, it's hello, rat, isn't it?

It really is.

So the view, to describe the picture, the view, it's the same view you get of someone eating a Big Mac in the ads.

So the product is front and centre, the hands around it and the smiling face biting down on it.

The feet are on the same horizontal plane as their hands.

That's what I said.

They're on all fours

in the car park of McDonald's.

Jumping down.

Eating the Big Mac from the bottom up.

Eating it very much

from the bottom up.

So, yeah.

So exactly.

They're eating it through the base of

the lower half of the bun roll, aren't they?

Through the base, up through and emerging through the top of the crowning

sesame seed studded.

Yeah.

Briefly wearing it before it disintegrates.

And then scurrying off into a sewer outlet.

Our next message is in the form of an audio message.

This is a first for the podcast.

Yeah.

It's also from a celebrity.

No.

What?

It's from podcasting royalty John Robbins.

As I live and breathe.

Shit.

Here we go.

John Robbins here with an amusing report.

I went to the cinema to watch Challengers, the tennis film.

And when I came out, I saw a poster advertising a film featuring Jesse Plemons.

And for about

three seconds, I thought,

Three Bean Salad have

organized some kind of guerrilla marketing campaign with a fake film poster.

Because until I saw that poster, I thought Jesse Plemons was a name that you had invented.

for a sort of imagined Hollywood star.

I had no idea it was an actual actor.

So there you go.

Bit of fun.

He's flesh and blood, John.

That's lovely stuff.

And more and more so.

Devastating news for Plemens and his whole PR team, though, because the Plemens cut through is worse than they thought.

It's zero.

It's minus zero if he's thought to be fictional.

It's minus zero.

It's less than your average Plemens in the street, isn't it?

People actively think he doesn't exist.

They don't just not know he exists.

They conclude that he has to be fictional.

They think

he specifically, and in a very real way, doesn't exist.

That's much worse than just being anonymous.

It's specifically not existing.

They think there's a Jesse Plemons hole in reality that Plemons would fit into perfectly, but there's nothing in there.

There's just Plemens' outlines.

Yeah, devastating stuff for Plemons.

Devastating stuff for Plemons.

Henriette Bollocking for you?

Okay.

Accessing a listener bollocking.

Bollocking loading.

Bollocking loaded.

This is from Claire.

In a recent episode, I heard Henry say that former England goalkeeper David Seaman

and Sue Barker, Brackett, the host of BBC's Equestrian Sport for 24 years, had never met.

I don't remember this discussion.

We've talked about Sue Barker on this episode.

It feels like it's coming across as if we're people that always

are constantly talking about Sue Barker.

Yeah,

I think we are.

We are, aren't we?

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

Let's lean into it.

Okay, go on.

Mike, do you remember the discussion in which Henry said that David Seaman and Subarka had never met?

I do remember those specific.

It's ringing a bell because

I think I had a kind of foreshadowing shudder that a baller king was on its way.

It's a really strange thing to be certain of, particularly for two people who are prominent in British sport.

I know

it it was a bold claim.

And when I was saying it, I thought

there's either a Grade 2 earthquake happening in the Midlands,

or there's a Bollocker coming.

That's one or the other.

I just felt that little shuddering through my system.

I felt a rumble.

Well, Clara writes, as a fellow Londoner, I assume that Henry was out celebrating the Royal Opera House's 202nd anniversary on the 18th of September 2011.

Thus, he missed David Seaman's guest appearance on episode 33 of series 40 of A Question of Sport.

Well, one of those things is true.

And I'll leave it up to you to decide which.

Goodbye.

No, I did celebrate the Royal Opera thing, obviously.

I was dressed as Figreau's wedding.

It was.

You went in as a marquee, didn't you?

It was me and a marquee.

It was me and 250 mannequins

all strapped together in a massive marquee.

That was a really great time.

And he must surely have been watching a modern twist on the tenure of the true in a pub theatre to mark the bard's birthday on Wednesday, 23rd of April 2014.

He therefore missed David Seaman guest starring yet again on episode 23 of series 43 of the same Barker-hosted programme.

Again, one of those things is true.

I was out celebrating that Shakespeare-related thing.

I was dressed as King Lear the play, not the person.

Okay.

I really want Claire to be a police detective, please.

I think she should be.

Gotcha.

Exactly.

She writes, so please consider this a bollock with the full expectation that Henry will reflect Obollock, saying that he can't, as part of the London Elite, be expected to be on top of provincial mainstream TV.

Thanks, Claire.

That is true.

I would

rather

never be allowed to watch a Pinter again than watch five minutes of that bilge.

You feel what I mean there?

I would rather never be allowed to watch Pinta again.

That's two negatives, though.

On top of it.

So I'd rather never be allowed.

So no Pinta, or I do watch.

It's a very simple sentence.

Or I do watch five minutes of the taming of the sport.

I can't even say it.

The

question, a question of.

The event killer sports quiz, a question of sport.

No,

I have watched Bits and Bobs of

Question of Sport.

Always found it to be aggressively turgid,

involving a really, really grotesque level of sort of smug backslappery amongst middle-aged twats.

Bronze medalists.

A series of bronze medalists.

A series of right-leaning bronze medalists.

So is that bollocking accepted?

No.

It's not because

to be on a sports panel show with someone and to meet someone,

I don't think they're the same thing.

I mean, for me to meet someone, it's two minds coming together.

It's two,

fine, all right.

Yeah, but it's two souls

entwining to a degree.

You make yourself vulnerable.

For example,

by

having little nipple flaps on your shirt that you lift up

and handing the other person some pliers

you make us all vulnerable will they use the pliers they can but will they i mean this is quite deep london stuff this is a this is a really really

late night in a london club reflecto hollow

sorry no dice clear despite your hard work but please do if you're not already become um

the head of a murder squad or something thanks yeah it's good detective work very good Final emails from Finn Bar.

Hello, Finn Bar.

Hi, Finn Bar.

Hello, Beans.

Regarding your recent episode about Ben's hot air balloon ride, I believe this is the word you may have been seeking.

That he sent a picture from the dictionary.

Adjective,

geometus.

Ooh.

Which means of, relating to, or smelling like horse urine.

Lovely stuff.

Oh, God.

Geomentous.

Geomentus.

You know the trouble?

I've got a problem, right?

Which is when you learn a new word like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we've learned the word geometus.

Yeah.

The fact is, we've learnt a a word which no one knows.

So therefore, all we are, all all we've learnt, all we've gained is the capacity to be in a conversation to say something which no one will understand.

So like what it's almost like, what's the point?

What's the point of learning new words?

But better than I understand.

And no one else really talks to you.

So you're.

That's true.

I don't even have a sweepsteak.

Do you see what I mean, though?

But think of the positives.

So now, instead of using four words, stinks of horse piss,

you can say geometus.

Yeah.

Which is actually only one syllable less.

Stinks of horse piss.

Stinks of horse piss.

People know what I'm talking about.

Geometus, people

starting to walk out of the community centre.

But Will Self will know it, I bet.

If you've ever been to Will Self, you're going to have a check with him.

Will Self is a good example of that because he's got so many words, but all he does is isolate.

All he does,

those words build him a castle that only he is in.

Do you know what I mean?

Then he's bricking himself into a kind of.

Grementus castle.

Yeah.

into a really really grementous castle because no one else can get in only he's got the words yeah i know what you mean

but is there not the problem with your line of thought is if you follow it a bit too hard all we end up saying is food yeah

occasionally toilet

No, I know what you mean.

It's anti-progress.

That's why I don't like it as a thought, but I still can't shake it.

But maybe other people are out there trying to learn new words as well.

Do you know know what I mean?

Maybe you find that one person when you use the word geometus, and

their eyes light up.

Yeah, exactly.

Yes,

I've always been described as geometers.

Let's be friends.

I don't want the geometus crowd.

I want to hang out with the geometus people.

We are the gender people now.

But now also all of our listeners know what geometrous means.

So I think that's true.

So

we spread the knowledge.

Okay.

Extra points for anyone sending in an email that uses the word geometus.

Yeah.

And presumably live shows from now on will be littered with the word geometric.

Thank you, Finnbart.

Thank you.

It's time

to pay the ferry man.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com.

Forward slash free bean salad.

Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Patreon.com forward slash free bean salad.

There are different tiers you can join at, and at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You betcha.

Where Mike spent the whole weekend when you were there.

Didn't go home, I heard.

Yeah, it was a long one.

Sure.

But it had to be.

Yes, because it was the.

It was Victorian Street Urchins Come Free night, wasn't it?

Okay.

Thank you, Henry.

It certainly was, and here's my report.

It was Victorian Street Urchins Come Free last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which, thanks to lobbying by Andrew John English Esquire and Clementine Lloyd, also included two-for-one on Edwardian ragamuffins and, thanks to Olivia Unwin, unlimited beverage refills for modern delinquents.

Chris Moss's Tin Can Alley was a success until Amy Radford and Pippy Chippy's balls in a milk churn left it bereft of missiles.

Liz Kennedy was accused by Brodie Everest of rigging the coconut shy after Will Breeze's thoroughbred urchin failed to shift a single nut.

The Sons of Spurbs demanded a superglue inspection, wherein it was found the coconuts weren't standing on posts, but on the inverted legs of Peter Cashman, Oliver Stanley, Ben Tattersley and Paul Glenn, all of whom are well known to have highly dexterous and powerfully adhesive feet.

Gordon Buxton proposed the despondent urchin simply be given one of the coveted coconuts by means of apology, but was challenged to a duel by laird Jonathan MacDonald Hock, the first of Glencairn and Dura, who misheard him and thought he'd said something rude about Purple Strawberry, who'd been trying to keep a low profile to avoid exactly this sort of brouhaha.

This prompted Warren of Chichester to kickstart his PowerPoint presentation on the importance of paying attention to goings-on if one is in the market for declaring a duel.

A presentation which was deemed willfully turgid by content monitors Holly Harland and Gwynan Hughes, who raised a posse consisting of Kevin Hewitt, Kara, Zion Torn, and Jenny Thomas, who brought the presentation to a violent halt, goaded on by a frenzied gangle of urchins who'd been deliberately kept hungry all day by Scott and Holly Enniking.

Alastair Patrick attempted to calm the urchins down by emptying Adam Martin's pockets of its chocolate-coated raisins and tossing them on the floor.

But Abby Cashman complained that this was demeaning as urchins were well known to prefer food being thrown at their mouths.

This was attempted by Ben Jones and Ben, but it was a bum steer as the urchins assumed they were under attack and immediately retaliated indiscriminately.

Paul Glenn had his top hat pulled down over his head, Luke Boyan was wedged with a braces hoik by four urchins on top of a gas lamp, Connie Ginsberg's pocket watch was pickpocketed, and Rosanna, Matt Baker, Tom Jackson and James Peters all had to be gifted pocket watches so that these could immediately be stolen.

Elsewhere, Richard Blakely, Joanna, David Christie and Guy Bronze tried to sneak into the lounge for free dressed as urchins, despite being paid-up members of the lounge.

For this, they were awarded classic urchin status and invited to join Bailey Ray's chimney top dance troupe, which they were about to accept when the troop gave a demonstration which led to the chimney top dance deaths of troop members Suze O'Toole, Keyboard Gren, Crob Edmonds, Jacob Mills and Debbie Henderson.

Lalalian was mistaken by the urchins for a rich benefactor and had to be evacuated via the Sean Bean emergency pickle sluice.

Lizzie Shaw accidentally mesmerized an urchin by pulling a standing lamp out of a carpet bag and is now bonded with them for life.

John Hayden, Heidi Higgins, Tom Longfield and Pip Eason were caught force-feeding urchins hot sausage and mustard and were reprimanded for raiding Sean Sean Bean's special Kerrigan stash without asking.

Toto's Rosanna won a bag of flea powder on the penny pitch and tried to treat the urchins but accidentally defleed Nick Edwards, Andrew Chinstrap Chin and Matt Turner instead, in the case of the latter, fatally.

Rachel Delaney was the only one to ring the bell on the Strongman High Striker and won a lifetime supply of urchins.

At the end of the evening, James Riggs and C.A.O.B.

led the urchins away with a magical pipe and stratocaster respectively deep into the heart of the Sean Bean Mountain, which they all duly escaped, that being far too rural a trap for them, and returned triumphantly to round things off with an inappropriately ribbled musical number accompanied by Addie Cox, Eleanor Bell, George Sanders, and Kitty Wizard playing the role of morally appalled gentlepersons.

Thanks all.

Okay, let's finish off with our theme tune.

A version sent in by 1 A U Lot.

This is from Lee.

Thank you, Lee.

He says, I was recently perusing my local record shop for late 70s, early 80s punk and scar records when I found this rare seven-inch vinyl gem, which sounds familiar somehow.

A scar two-tone classic, the three-bean beat.

And just for Henry, it was recorded on a 1952 custom shop telecaster reissue in butterscotch blonde and a squire 1950s style precision bass.

Lovely stuff.

Bog off.

Thanks, Lee.

Thanks to everyone for listening.

Well, thank you now.

Goodbye.

Cheeriel.

Goodbye.