Haircuts

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Ben, you were talking a minute ago about

line bikes just before we went on air.

Yeah.

These are the bikes you can hire from the street in London.

These are street hire bikes.

We did have that system in Cardiff for a while.

Oh, yeah.

And then the company basically said, if you can't have nice things, we're taking them away.

because so many of them were found in the river, basically.

Can't be trusted.

But no city can be trusted.

They're always just strewn about.

Aren't they bobbing out of canals and in the middle of the road?

And just...

Well, yeah, that's it.

But in Cardiff, we took it so far, they said, right.

No, no, no.

Yeah, you've ruined it for everyone.

But to me, to me, it's the kind of thing which completely works in Nordic countries.

Oh, yeah.

In Nordic countries, it's like...

I'm just fixing the bike, even though it it belongs to the state, but I'm fixing it out of my own pocket.

I will leave a nice loaf of rye bread here in the basket.

And

I have a personalized message written in sesame seeds on top of the rye bread to all the every name, all the names of the seed.

There's over 550 billion seeds.

All of these state-sanctioned names.

Olaf One, Olaf Two, Olaf Three.

And Helga.

Actually, that's German.

I reckon you could go to Scandy Helga.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Isn't it the case, though, that we, in the public imagination in Britain, we think of Scandinavia as this kind of wonderfully utopian place?

But in reality, isn't it all quite right-wing though and a bit weird?

The two things aren't necessarily not linked.

Everything is clean and nice.

We have three names.

Hello.

The state is strong.

Welcome.

I don't know.

I don't know if that's true.

But everywhere's doing that, isn't it?

And that's just, that's the bit that makes the news.

Like, if you were reading about Britain from foreign shores, I would imagine you'd get the sense that that's just the way it is now.

Yeah, but I don't think they previously had the idea that Britain was this kind of a utopia.

That's never that's never been a thing, is it?

Yeah, that's true.

It's more of a sort of grimy place, isn't it?

It's a place that, in advertising terms, is currently thick with grime.

And we're the before picture.

We're the before picture.

And Singapore is the after picture.

Singapore is the after picture.

Because my experience of a line bike actually, strangely, is it sort of ties in with this.

Well, not strangely, it's what we're talking about, isn't it?

Yeah.

yeah it's where we started

it's where it started it's not a coincidence it's continuation because the yeah the line bikes in london they get what what i i think of it as but obviously it's it's wider than london ben as you've just proven but i i think of it as as they get londoned like london happens to them so anything that is in the public spaces in london it just develops a kind of

It develops what I call a sort of deep grime.

A sort of patina.

A patina, but it's almost deeper than a patina, though it's a kind of things become fundamentally filthy it's been like in london if you lean against a bench or something and then blow your nose it comes out a piece of coal comes out yeah yeah well most of your body comes out

doesn't it and you then have in a situation where over 50 of you is outside the nose and it's not clear do you get it back in or do you just follow through with it and just start again on the other side of your nose

Do you know what I mean?

They'll be like, like, you might just lean on something and only look at your hand, it's thick with begrimed with black filth.

So, what happens is the linebikes have succumbed to that.

They're used as bins, essentially.

So, it's a kind of a mobile bin.

Because they've all got a little basket.

So, you can see it's designed for a scandy world.

They've got a little basket at the front in which I put my

rye crackers,

my rye observations.

My collection of old Norse histories.

Yeah, exactly.

But actually, you weirdly become this sort of mobile bin.

So you're walking around clacketing around.

There'll be like a burger box and some cans and some just like random detritus.

Well, and people are sort of herding them into the basket as you go past.

As you go, it's kind of a sport now.

You become a mobile filth bucket, essentially.

But the filth is just being moved around the place.

It's not being disposed of.

As long as it's always in transit, as long as it doesn't settle, it's basically no.

Then it's not the responsibility of

the of the greater london council of the greater london council because it's actually

well it's just it's just successful transport happening that's what it gets logged as

they can log it in the positives column sometimes i'll move rubbish from my basket into the basket of another bike like at a traffic light or something like that yeah

anyway these these these line bikes they um

occasionally they'll release a flock of new ones And they're brand new and they're lovely.

They're really coveted.

They're clean.

But then within days, they succumb to London in this sad way.

They become hobbled, begrimed.

Knobbled?

Hobbled, knobbled.

Wobbled.

They're wearing top hats where the top is missing, or open like a tin can flap.

Yeah, yeah.

Have they got kind of cockney accent now?

Oh, fuck you.

And you go over a speed bump.

Oh, no, no, no.

They steal hot pies.

And if you don't direct them with your hands, they naturally take you to the beating heart of Soho.

That's where they're all headed.

So you're basically always trying to wrestle them off course.

You're always trying to wrestle them away from Soho.

I can't go to another porn cinema today.

I've got actually got a job.

You've taken me to three porn cinemas today.

Are there still porn cinemas in Soho?

Or was that like the 70s?

Soho, Henry?

I'm glad you asked me that.

Soho, Battersea, Old Southwark, Streatham, Vauxhall, Tuffmall Park, Barnett, technically, Madame Two Swords, the Seratov,

Halfers,

Zone 5.

Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.

Next stop, urban enlightenment.

The glamorous London life of Henry Backer.

Hang on a second.

Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?

No, it can't be.

Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I know.

There is, in the beating heart of Soho, there is what I've always thought of as the most sordid passage on earth.

It links, I think, is it Glassblower Street and Berwick Street?

It's an absolute, it's basically 12 feet of absolute pure filth.

It's a narrow passage.

But within that passage, every sin you've ever dreamed of and more besides will come true.

This is the bit where the Marquis de Sire broke down in tears and said, I can't go on.

There's a little blue plaque there for him.

And presumably chock-a-block with the great and the good, the ruling class.

It's so chock-a-block with everyone.

I mean, both cabinets,

yeah, the government, submarine commanders.

Yeah,

everyone's there.

All the great and the good.

And that's why it's so hard for them to actually run election campaigns because obviously 95% of the cabinet just have to be there all the time in case they miss something.

Something fabulous and atrocious in equal measure.

Yes.

Prince Edward, would you like another baby bird to eat?

Yes, please.

But can it be naked?

Can it be naked except for some tweed knickers?

Or a tweed bikini, or as I call it, a tweed kini.

Now, look, I'm not saying you have to

invest in tweed kiny.

But the royal family depends on it.

I do have a spell one in my bum bag if you are in need of one.

It's ready to go.

What people don't know is that 10 years ago, we sold the crown jewels to a Dubayan Emirate.

We put all the money into Tweed Kini.

We were assured that Tweed Kinis were going to be even bigger than Bitcoin.

We were assured that Tweed Keynes were going to be huge.

Well, time there because they only gone small birds.

But if just 5% of budgie owners invest in the Tweed King,

we'd be able to finally invest in Prince Andrew's legal fees.

No, so I think Soho still does have

a few of those things.

But basically,

that absolutely filthy alleyway that I was describing.

But I think now it's literally just like

a scribbler, whatever.

What's it called?

The shop that sells greetings cards at stations.

I think it's now just

the most depraved stationers in all of London, where the highlighter pens are black

and the printer cartridges print in black.

It's what most people need.

And the staples literally only staple into a scrotum.

That's the only thing you can staple.

A scrotum to another scrotum.

Just as of today, all Leverarch files come with a free tweed kinie.

I just can't shift these things.

Remember, it's bird size.

Have you ever wanted your budgie to look sexy but in a classy way?

Tweed kinies.

Perfect for a Scottish beef.

Although, and obviously, we can't canvass opinion from budgies as such, but a lot of them do perish.

It would seem to perish

within minutes of putting on a tweed kiny.

Presumably from sheer joy.

Yeah, going out in style.

I was cycling a line bike a couple of weeks ago, and this just came back to me, which was I was cycling, it's just a nice little London vignette, a little glimpse of what London life is like.

I was cycling a line bike through a London park, and this thing happened, which I think it's just human nature, this, which is if you're cycling along and you see like a

small object in the road, you'll tend to

sort of head towards it.

Hear me out.

It's human nature that you'll, say, for example,

I was once cycling along and there was a balloon floating around the road and I just cycled over it.

Bam!

Popped it.

It was quite fun.

You'd be so easy to assassinate, Henry.

So we've invested thousands and thousands of pounds in a complex honey trap.

Her name is Ivanova.

She's a CGI budgie.

But in a real tweed kiny.

No need for any of that.

Let's just put a very slightly shiny button in the middle of the A35.

Oh, he's already here.

This is just a discussion.

He's come in the room.

This is just, how did you do that?

Get in.

This is just the planning phase.

We're still six months away from starting the mission.

Like, okay, let's do it.

I was cycling a line bike through a London park.

Which one?

Finsbury.

Okay.

So you were cycling through a London park.

I was cycling through London Park.

And basically, what happened was I saw this thing in the road.

And I did this thing, which I defend, which is, I think, it looked like it was a plastic bag or something.

And I just thought, oh, I'll just go over that.

So then, what happened was, as I approached it, a moment arrived where I realized that it was a flattened dead rat.

But this moment...

Oh, London.

London.

So

it was a flattened dead rat.

Now, its head was facing me.

So I essentially had a kind of wrapped carpet.

Like a polar bear, one of those polar bear rugs with a polar bear head.

That's exactly what it was.

So the head was facing me.

It's a mini bath mat.

It's like a mini little mini bath mat.

Well, basically, a lovely gift for an under six

for anyone under six.

But what happened was basically I had this really quite horrific moment where I was heading for it, thinking this will be a bit of fun.

And I was just right on the cusp of going over it where I saw it was a rat.

Now, I've seen quite a few dead rats in my time.

They never look like they've had a peaceful death.

They never look like they've gone away gently in their sleep.

You've not walked walked in on a rat in its deathbed being comforted by its nearest and dearest.

No.

It's not something I've ever witnessed.

So it had the kind of rat scream, you know, the kind of the kind of and

screaming into a bin, screaming into a toilet, screaming into the gates of hell itself.

You know?

You know that kind of apocalyptic scream they all seem to have.

And the claws are very much...

So it's kind of had that scream, the toothy scream, the claws...

Just an absolutely horrific sight.

All made palatable just by the fact that it's tiny or relatively small.

Do you know know what i mean on a giant scale it would be one of the most horrific things i've ever seen

do you know what i mean like if it was the size of what like a plane if it was the size of a plane i wouldn't be recording this podcast with you right now if i'd cycled over a rat that's like a dead rat the size of a plane

to be clear i'd be reassessing things in a very very deep way do you imagine then that the rat was flattened by another bike well this is the thing i couldn't work out so basically it was too late to pull out i in fact because i had the option to pull out but by by basically, I made quite a cold decision, which is

plow on over the rat.

I had time to go, that's a dead rat, plow on over the rat.

Because I sort of did what, in fact, I did, in a way, what the captain of the Titanic should have done,

which is

plow through the iceberg.

That's what they say.

Do they?

It was, because it tried to get out of the way, the Titanic scraped, the iceberg scraped the side of the entire boat, essentially.

Right, yeah.

And if it just plowed through, it would have sustained damage, but probably not sunk.

Well, it would have smashed the iceberg.

It would have sustained a lot of damage, but it probably wouldn't have sunk.

It was the fact that it ripped its entire side all the way down by scraping past the iceberg.

That's a theory.

And it's on the rest is history.

I didn't actually know it.

I just heard it on a podcast.

Oh, yeah, but

that's all knowledge, though, isn't it?

In the modern day and age?

Yeah, does it count?

Okay.

Yeah, I know it.

Yeah, that's i think that's i don't i'm not sure what knowledge i have that i haven't got from a podcaster these days so luckily i didn't decide to swerve out of the way of the wrath in which case it would have scraped my line bike all the way down and you just sunk

in finishery park

yeah so i had to i had time to decide to get i go straight over the rat head so over the head up the body and pretty much down the tail to be honest

it was i pulled it off pretty well but i do yes i did then notice that it was so flattened i think londoners like

hundreds and hundreds of Londoners, had just been going over it over and over and over and over again.

So it might not have even started flat.

It might not have been flattened by

a parks vehicle.

It might have been, this might have just been the work of hundreds of Londoners.

I think so.

But anyway, that's just a little London vignette.

Of course, I mentioned this last week, I think.

A rat is eating my strawberries.

It's still eating my strawberries.

I thought it was a mouse you said last time.

It was a mouse last time.

It's some kind of rodent.

Okay.

I think.

But Henry liked it when he said it was a mouse.

Yeah, very different if it's a rat.

Yeah.

Well, it might be a mouse.

I don't know.

Could be a crow.

Have you?

So you've not seen it at work.

You've just seen the evidence.

Just in the evidence.

Okay.

Gnawed at.

Beautifully ripe strawberries.

Tiny little tooth marks.

What?

Yeah.

Classic crow.

And you know, last week, Henry, you said, is this the kind of thing that you know a man of a certain age might decide to make their entire lives work to work out what's going on?

Yeah.

I'm in talks

to borrow someone's wildlife camera

to try and catch the culprit.

Then night vision, baby.

So are you serious?

So you're in talks with...

So let's...

We mix in celeb circles.

It's Chris Packham, isn't it?

I assume it's Chris Packham you're talking to.

You're talking to an it's the Packham Oddy Industrial Complex, I would say.

Yeah, okay.

So you're talking to

somebody who's got a wildlife photographer.

No, it's like

a camera that you can set up and then it senses movement, comes on, and starts filming.

Yeah, they use it in um, in nature documentaries and stuff, don't they?

Yeah, because quite often you'll have a fox come up and sort of sniffing it, and they'll show that in the bit at the end of the Antenburg films where they say how it was made.

Yeah, they'll show like a fox coming and sniffing it, it's quite funny.

The fox's nose looks really big.

So, does that mean you also have to have a highly trained camera operator behind it in a ghillie suit he's there for three months, shitting into a bag,

dressed as a strawberry?

The perfect handy trap.

So, you're looking for that gotcha moment, aren't you?

Gotcha.

You little fuck.

Gotcha.

I do have a rat problem.

You won't be doing that, Hank, again.

Those fools, they told me it was probably a rat problem when I said it was probably a rat problem, and this will show them that it was a rat problem.

It's definitely a rat problem.

Okay.

I know someone who once cycled over a dead rat.

And I've got 2,000 tweed kinies in my garage.

Think men think.

Imagine if I captured some footage and it was actually a rat on crowback.

Wow.

Oh, blimey.

So that would be good.

That would be worth it.

So it sort of fashioned its own little saddle and was lancing the strawberries from the back of the crow.

There's no footprints, you see.

There's a reason why

in so many national cultures, in so many of the ancient texts of different religions and national cultures, the end of days is heralded, isn't it, by the idea of the rat riding the crow?

Yeah.

Eating a strawberry.

And eating a strawberry.

Because that's the two kingdoms.

It's the two kingdoms.

If the rats and the crows are the two most malevolent evil creatures on earth,

not counting the current members of the Tory cabinet.

Well, Henry, by the time this goes out, we may not have a Tory cabinet.

That's true.

But we are a politically neutral podcast.

And I would like to say that if that is the case, I will be both pleased and disgusted.

Did I tell you that when I was in Paris recently, I saw the most portentous thing in the world.

What did you see?

I watched a baby crow drown.

Oh, my God.

Doesn't that feel like a bad omen?

Ben, Ben, do not.

I insist.

Do not.

And you didn't intervene.

You cheered it.

On.

Ben,

do not embark on any major military campaigns for the next six years.

Just call everything off.

Send the Hussars back.

Send the Hussars back.

Six years.

Until the corn have kissed the sun six times.

Yeah?

And you should probably be in hiding on an Ionian island.

Yeah, that can be a lot of people.

Take yourself to Ionia, Assap.

um i did it's quite horrible i i i was sitting there a baby crow fell in a pond in front of me

it's one of those moments where you know nature reveals itself to us to be horrible yeah all the other birds that were in the pond already coots and moorhens and that kind of thing or just started attacking it well even though it was in the water yeah bloody hell so they were pecking it to bits god nature really lets itself down sometimes doesn't it it really does come on then they'd had their fill of pecking it so it was just kind of struggling to get back out of the pond.

It couldn't because there was like a lip around the edge.

And I thought, oh, fuck, I'm going to have to go and fish this baby cur out of the water.

So I went to stand up, at which point the guy next to me had exactly the same thought and got up to go and save it.

And I thought, oh, thank God he can do it instead of me.

Great.

And then there was probably, what, a 25-meter walk around to the other side of the pond to get there?

Yeah.

And he just walked so slowly around there that it drowned in the meanwhile.

Okay.

Whereas I would have canted a bit.

Do you know what I mean?

And then mouth to beak?

How far would you have gone once you've got that?

Mouth to cloaker, I think is how it works.

They just end up inflating it.

So yeah, the guy had a go, but by the time you got it out, it was too late, sadly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was horrible.

But yeah, it felt significant to me, like a turning point in my life.

Yeah.

Is that why you've really put some power to your elbow with your campaign against the strawberry rats?

Well, yeah, I think they might be all be might all be related.

Yeah.

It does feel portentous, doesn't it?

Yeah.

They are the most portentous of animals, aren't they?

The most sort of...

They're very sinister.

Was it cute, the baby crow?

No.

I can't imagine them being cute.

Any other

birds' eggs and stuff?

Crows.

Is that magpies?

I think they're bad guys.

Interesting.

I wonder though, but did the strawberry thing happen after the baby crow?

Yeah.

It feels to me that you've ignored a message.

Yes.

And someone's trying to send you the message again.

So I don't know if it is that you should be calling off your invasion forces.

I feel like

you're being required to act by fate.

You're not acting.

But we just don't know what that action is.

So do you think he should be taking more of a hard line on the strawberries?

I wonder.

Had you visited Napoleon's grave at that point?

I had only maybe two hours before I'd visited Napoleon's grave.

That's got to be

the dead crow of Napoleon, of course.

But hang on, Mike.

The way that Henry told me to put away my forces, to mothball my cannons, to send the Hussars home.

You are my very enemy, Henry Packer.

No, you fool.

Napoleon wills your destruction.

You'll be flattened like that rat.

Ben, if this ends up with you killing me and cycling over my body over and over again,

believe me,

it's going to be a nasty moment for you as by like the sort of 875th time you cycle over me, it starts to occur to you that maybe it's just a crow that just randomly drowned.

Maybe I shouldn't.

Nothing's random, Henry.

No, you're right.

Such is the tragedy of war.

Maybe this was all masterminded somehow by Mike.

Yeah, he thought it seems to be coming out on top.

Because I'm in prison for murdering Henry.

Henry's dead.

And Mike's eating my strawberries.

Oh, I'll have a strobe.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

Let's do it.

This week's topic was sent in by Rebecca from Wirral.

Or is it the the Wirral?

I'm never sure.

Isn't it the Wirral?

The Wirral for me.

No idea what it is, though.

But she herself has put in Wirral.

Oh, well, she seems likely to know Bess, perhaps.

Yeah.

It's a bit like the Ukraine, right?

You're not going to say the Ukraine anymore.

Yeah, well, we got used to that quite quickly, didn't we?

We dropped the the.

Why was there a the on the Ukraine?

It just sounds good, or it did sound good, didn't it?

But why did we have to drop it?

Because it's not the Ukraine, it's just Ukraine.

And the same way that France isn't the France.

I still think of it as the Frankish Kingdom.

Basically, a conglomeration of city-states that are mainly at war.

Also, the Facebook.

Do you remember?

It was called The Facebook.

It was called The Facebook.

In the film.

I mean, and in real life.

Yeah.

But it was called.

And then they dropped the the, and that was huge.

Hang on a minute.

The tweed keeny.

That's why it's been going wrong this whole time.

It's time for the to come back.

Have you both watched Mad Men?

Yes.

I just think it's quite quite Don Draper.

You know,

when he's talking to a group of people,

when he's doing his genius moment.

Yeah.

Everything's coming back.

Things come around.

Tiramassu.

90s music.

People want to feel safe.

What does the average American want?

He wants a lucky strike.

He wants

a dame on a Daimler.

A hot piece of mapple pie.

A great day, not a Daimler.

A great Dane, on a Daimler, and a budgie wearing a Tweed Kini.

I give you the Tweed Kini, people.

Tweet Kiny.

But that's why we call it the Tweed Kinya.

Exactly.

That's the thing.

Because

it's the United States of America.

It's the American president.

It's the Route 66.

It's the Golden Gate Bridge.

And it's the Korean War.

I offer you

the

Tweed Kini.

Anyway, Rebecca from Wirral.

Okay.

Or maybe it's the Wirral

sent in haircuts.

Okay.

Hmm.

Bit of a sore point.

But yeah, fine.

Well, I'll just sit back and, yeah.

You've had haircuts.

I've had haircuts.

In a way, I've had too many, you could argue.

Too much of a good thing.

And I assume you must, you know, cut

or deal with at least what's left going, you know.

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

Choose the words carefully.

And thank you for doing that.

It's not an issue, honestly.

I'm cool about it, frankly.

It's not a problem.

I'm actually fine.

I'm fine with the fact that I've chosen a different haircut.

You're beautiful the way you are, Henry.

In a way.

After fashion.

Thanks, mate.

Through a certain lens.

Not sure what that lens would be, but a non-visual lens.

Guys, think about it.

It's the bald eagle.

It's the bald Henry.

It's the bald truth.

It's the bald truth.

It's the bald pyrat.

The most I've seen animal on.

The most I've seen animal one.

It's an absolutely hideous creature.

It's a hideous, hideous creature.

Okay, let's not lean into the bald pie.

You smash with a man the second you laid eyes on it.

But But you know,

you've got to make decisions about your hair.

You could have distinguished tufts if you wanted.

I forget with distinguished tufts.

In fact, this very morning I've shaved it, which is why I've got that lovely kind of

matte egg.

Matte egg,

isn't it?

A sort of quite a matte finish egg.

Yeah, it looks like an egg that's been inspected by a sort of fingerprint specialist from CSI.

They've dusted it.

A dusted down egg.

Yeah,

an egg of criminal interest

or an egg that the authorities are suspicious of in some way.

Yeah.

Yeah, so what are you using to shave it?

Shell?

I'm using a...

An old shell?

An old shell?

Yeah.

Things have moved on, Ben.

I use a combination of pebbles,

pumice stones, and a sandblaster.

I've been using the same device for about a decade now.

Okay.

And it's called a Wahal.

A what?

A Wahal.

W-A-H-L.

Okay.

Look them up.

They are the industry standard

in sort of middle-aged gammon-y bold cloaks and how they look after their heads.

But what is this?

So

W-A-H-L is the leading industry standard head shaver.

So if you look it up now, to put that into Google, W-A-H-L.

I'll show you.

Hang on.

I'll show you it.

Is it Wahal Wahal or is it WAL?

I'm getting a village in India.

In Maharashtra, at the moment.

So here's my Wahal.

Oh, is it just Wah?

It's Wal.

Wah.

Wahal.

I don't know how to say it.

But you put an extra A in, didn't you?

It's Wall as in Wahlberg.

I guess it's Wahl, Wal.

Choice.

It's Wal.

It's Wahalberg.

It's quite Narwhal.

It's in the Narwhal

word sort of area, because it's W-A-H-L.

Wahal.

It's Wahlberg, isn't it?

It's Wahlberg.

It might be short for Wahlberg.

So basically, this is in.

I can't say this enough.

It's industry standard.

Yeah.

It looks huge.

It's massive.

It looks like you could sort of shear a sheep with it.

It's got that kind of chunky look.

Yeah, it's that level of thing.

And it's ones which you use in.

I'll demonstrate for it.

It's ones which they use in salons.

Barbers.

Prisons.

Barbers' prisons.

Sort of

agricultural shows, far-right organisations, black sites.

It's got a lovely.

Oh, that's a nice deep sound.

When it came close to the mic, there was a bit of a.

I think it's German.

I'm assuming it's German.

Waile is a German word.

Meaning?

Choice.

Choice.

Mark Werlberg, therefore, being choice mountains.

The mountain of choice.

Choice mountain.

Choice mountain.

Welcome to Choice Mountain.

Wow.

You've got two choices: punch or run.

It's ironic that it's called choice in a way, isn't it?

Because choice is the thing you don't really have as a ballman.

But anyway, so basically, this, right?

The reason I was able to get my hands on this, because this is industry standard.

They use this in salons, right?

Is it industry standard?

It's industry standard.

They use these in salons.

But actually, the only reason I got my hands on this, right, I went to a special shop for industry hair people

to buy this.

And I had to register a company because it's only for...

Really?

Yeah.

Because it's only for industrial use, whatever.

I still receive mail

for a company called Henry Packer's World of Hair.

Wow.

Yeah.

Henry Packer's World of Hair.

Henry Packer's World of Hair.

Well, I just, I just signed this document for just...

I had to make up something when I was a company.

Are you still a registered company?

I still get mail.

I didn't think it's actually a registered company, but I get mail for Henry Packer's World of Hair.

The people at...

Wahila, wahallah.

Think that.

Henry, how many of your tax returns have you filed for Henry Packer's World of of Hair in the last decade?

No comment.

Somebody's doing some prison.

Right, just to let the audience in on a Pompadoo.

It's rare we do a Pompidou these days.

Yeah, you're right.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

In fact, someone has sent us in a version of the Pompidou Jingle, which we could use.

Oh, yes, please.

Sent in by James from Manchester.

Thanks, James.

He writes greetings, beans.

Please find attached a version of the pompadou theme done in the style of technical death metal.

To make it especially tech-death-y, the bass is performed on a fretless bass.

Some technical things to annoy Henry: the guitar used was tuned to drop C and is a music man majesty 8-string.

Good heavens.

Serious metal business.

Don't give a shit.

I tell you what,

the bass might not have a threat, but I'm fretting because I'm pissed off.

What is a fret?

I don't care.

Right, move on.

Okay, play it.

Let's carry on.

Let's play it anyway.

Christ.

And now it's time for

Pompidou section.

Pompidou.

Pompadou.

Pompadoo.

Yeah.

Anyway, the Pompadou is,

I had to go out and do an errand.

And now I'm back.

So we are now recording over an hour since we finished recording.

And we were mid-topic.

It's pretty dangerous stuff.

We were, weren't we?

It was quite dangerous stuff, but luckily, we can get it back on.

We can get it straight back on because, of course, the topic was haircuts.

Haircuts.

It was haircuts.

Mike, I want to know.

Yeah.

Because basically,

I'm an ignoramus in this area.

Yeah.

It's not my field of expertise.

So I would like to learn what it's like.

Tell me about your haircut life.

It's every two or three months.

There was a time when I would wait until I got an acting job and

turn up on set and

whoever was on set have to deal with my hair so I'd get a free haircut.

Wow, I mean that's quite a kind of bullseye move in terms of frequency of acting work being digital.

The acting work did eventually dry up.

I don't know if those things are related or not.

But is it because you were going to auditions with longer and longer hair?

Nothing like my spotlight photographs increasingly unsuitable for roles.

So you were having to go for only Wild Man of the Forest roles.

Yeah, exactly.

And Wild Man of the Forest, it's not one of the popular characters, is it?

That's why there's never been a film called Wild Man of the Forest.

These days, I see Nicola, to whom I'm loyal.

I like Nicola, oh, yeah, and we have a good chat.

So, that's just for anyone who doesn't know, Nicola Sturgeon.

So, she used to be Prime Minister of Scotland.

She was

quite famed for her bowl cut

that caught that caught Mike's eye.

She was then no longer Prime Minister of Scotland.

She should never bowl cut things.

But she had short hair.

She had quite a harsh cut.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Didn't she?

She had a fairly harsh cut.

Yeah, so she just gets a special, she's made a special bespoke bowl for me now, and she puts it on, and then I'm going to talk about Scottish independence and holidays, really.

And we have a lovely time.

And then you flip the ball and eat a nice hairy minestrone out of it.

Exactly, yeah.

Can I say the experience of getting your haircuts, I think, is a prime example of where Fanjambo and the Fanjambo philosophy could really revolutionize things.

That's true.

Great, great idea.

Fanjambo.

Fanjambo.

So for people that don't know, Fanjambo was a protocol that we brought in, which was all about how to deal with awkward conversations in life, like running into people that you vaguely knew at school on the train.

Do you talk to them or not?

And we had this idea that if you both just said Fanjambo.

It says everything that needs to be said.

It says, I don't want to talk to you, but I respect you.

I don't, this isn't a snug.

Wish you well.

Yeah.

And then we also thought you could have like Fanjambo badges or maybe like a Fanjambo hat that people just know he doesn't do small talk.

Yeah, he's Fanjambo.

Named, of course, after Saint Fanjiambo.

That's right.

Who was stoned to death for being so rude

in 1440.

But also, we then, we never added in, but I think we need to add into Fanjambo.

It should be Fanjambo except in emergencies.

For example, if your feet are on fire, for example.

You need to do some small talk then.

But some people don't talk about it.

Yeah, some people don't regard that as small talk.

I mean, people have different definitions of small talk, you know.

To a Londoner, a person's shoes being on fire, yes, that's small talk.

No, but if my shoes are on fire and I'm on a train and there's a guy from school who I used to know at school who happens to be like a qualified

shoe dowser,

then don't hold back just because we used to be friends at school.

But just don't expect a lot of small talk when I'm in the you know in the recovery position later on.

Anyway, so yeah, fun jump.

So yeah, go on.

Well, I, you know, I don't like getting my hair cut because I don't like chatting.

Although I have to say, my current barber

is quite good i think i've found someone i can sort of chat to and it's all right but up until recently it's been 100 fan jambo's own but you can't really ever say let's just zip it let's

culturally we're not there are we no it's a difficult that's what fanjambo is there for because it's obviously the same with like taxi drivers and various other things

or like a

a massage anything when it's just you and one other person in a um in a sort of um service industry relationship.

There was a place in London.

When I lived in London, there was a place I used to go to.

I became a regular of because they didn't chat to you at all.

They were chatting to each other.

Oh, that's good.

That's quite good.

It was very much a barber's shop.

They were very much chatting to each other.

They barely gave a shit that you were there.

They certainly weren't interested in what you wanted done.

They just cut your hair a bit, which was fine by me.

So the nearest thing I do have to a haircut is every once in a while I will get my back waxed.

No.

Yeah, really?

That's quite a thought.

Yeah, I do sometimes, especially if I'm going on holiday.

Smooth like a a dolphin.

Well, because for the flumes.

For the flumes.

Yeah.

I've clogged up enough flumes.

Essentially, without a backwax, I become the literal equivalent of a clump of hair clogging up a sort of.

A drain.

A plughole.

A drain.

Also, in places like Greece, you could be prone to wildfires.

Very, very, very dangerous.

I will go up like that.

Oh, if someone starts a barbecue on...

on your left shoulder blade yeah you're in real trouble yeah big big big big trouble sometimes um the person maxing my back will try to small talk when I'm going through unspeakable agony.

It's unbelievable.

See, this is an experience I've never had.

They'll be saying, how's it going?

Got any holiday plans?

Yeah, I'm just done.

I'm here.

Can you go anywhere nice?

Spain!

Spain!

Same!

Am I right in thinking with waxing, like the hair, like this?

It's not like shaving the hair has to grow, right?

It has to be a decent length for a decent person.

Yeah, I thicken it up

during the winter months.

Yeah.

Well, during the hibernation period, during the hibernation period, it thickens up.

Yeah.

And then prior to a holiday,

I will sometimes get it.

How long does it take?

It's about 20 minutes of seventh circle of hell stuff.

And is it strips or is it one single sheet that can then be sold on as a doormat?

Car upholstery.

That's where there's a small doormat and car upholstery concessions stall in this lobby.

I've been buying back my own hair.

The bastards,

they've solved capitalism, it's the perfect business.

Time to read your emails.

Thanks to everyone who sent us an email at threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

Thank you.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

Like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

First of all, from Andy, this is about the name Barbara.

This topic runs and runs.

That's huge.

Yeah.

Dear Beans, you asked recently if the name Barbara is dying out, or if any listeners know a Barbara from the younger generations.

I can confirm that I've met a Gen Z Barbara recently.

I live in rural Essex.

A little while ago, I was walking along a footpath that cuts through the neighbouring farm.

I turned the corner and came face to face with an enormous Highland cow standing in the middle of the path and glaring at me.

That may actually have been me just before my holiday works.

I backed away gingerly around the corner, spotted the farmer in her back garden and called over the fence that one of her cows was loose.

She replied, Was it a big yellow one?

Oh, that's Barbara.

Don't mind her.

She does that all the time.

You just need to shout, shoo, shoo, Barbara, get away.

And then she made a shoeing motion with her hands to demonstrate.

That was a great twist.

I did not see that coming.

That's very good.

So now you know not only that the name Barbara is still alive and well, but how to react if you meet one in the wild.

All the best, Andy.

This is from Gareth from Southwick.

Thanks, Gareth.

Thank you, Gareth.

Dear Beans, this is a bollock mainly directed at Ben.

The Eurasian eel, Anguilla Anguila,

doesn't spawn in freshwater, i.e., northern Irish lakes, but they do, in fact, spawn in the Sagasso Sea in the Caribbean.

Ah.

leaving their freshwater homes behind, they travel without feeding to the Sargasso, where they spawn in a mega-eel orgy and then perish.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

I actually, weirdly.

He's got that bang on, has he?

No, I actually knew that.

I once wrote, well, one of the

treaties, honestly.

I once wrote a very angry op-ed piece about

for the economist

about

eel reproduction and how it's just Caribbean eel orgies.

Caribbean eel orgies and how it's just not really

on.

No, no, they do do that.

I did actually know that because the radio sitcom that I occasionally write with Tom Crane, we did an episode that was about eels and it involved them going to reproduce in the Sargasso Sea.

Ah, yes.

Having a big, big eel orgy.

Big research phase, isn't there, for that sitcom?

It's a huge research.

It's very, very deep.

I mean, we'll go all the way down to the bottom of a Wikipedia page.

So, what's he saying?

We suggested the spawning had happened in

Northern Ireland.

In Loch Nay, but in fact, it was...

No, they're like Brits abroad.

On 18 to 30, they go abroad and have an audience until they die.

Have an audience.

A bollocking for Wozniak.

Okay.

This is from Andy, who's a medieval history teacher.

Hang on.

Before you get into that,

wasn't that a bollock from Gareth?

Oh, yeah.

Is that correct?

No, I don't think so.

I didn't.

Didn't notice you reflecting.

Yeah.

You stand by it.

You saw them spawning and they were spawning.

Put it this way.

If you were an eel, why would you wait to get to the Caribbean before you had an orgy?

When you could have a perfectly serviceable orgy in Northern Ireland?

Yes, the DUP won't like it.

It's almost...

A reason to do it, isn't it?

For

some eels.

That's a good line for the Northern Irish Tourist Board as well.

You can visit various scenes where Game of Thrones was shot, and you can also have a perfectly serviceable orgy.

I know you're right, Mike.

I think that's bollocking accepted.

Yeah.

I don't claim to know much about eels.

Bollocking accepted.

Now time for your bollocking, Mr.

Woz.

Okay, I'm ready.

Mike's first comment about feudalism was that it was Anglo-Saxon when it is famously part of the Normanization process conducted after the Anglo-Saxon period.

Is Wozniak pro-Norman?

We can only assume.

Lots of Lavander.

I am pro-Norman.

Thank you.

My Welsh grandmother, whose surname was Bassett, was absolutely certain that we were descended from high-end Norman barons on her side.

And as proof, she once took us to a small ruined Norman castle and said, look, that was ours once.

Wow.

Proof.

But for her theory to hold water,

you also had to believe, didn't you, that a human can reproduce with a Bassett hound?

That's also true.

Yes.

What was her...

Where was the proof?

Where did it come from, this idea?

Well, the idea was that she had a name Bassett, and it may have been that the name Bassett might have been vaguely associated with this Norman ruin in some way.

But quite tangentially, but the proof in terms of showing us the proof was that this is a

because it was there and she knew it was there and

she just knew it was that that was all true.

Did you feel quite at home when you got to the ruin?

I didn't feel at home.

I felt a bit confused.

I didn't really understand what it meant necessarily to me.

Here was I

clear in my identity as a half Polish, half Welsh, born and raised in English, in England, young man.

And all of a sudden, the Normans were are being thrown in.

I think most families have an eccentric relative.

I think it's a global phenomenon who think that there's some sort of royal lineage somewhere in the family.

My family myth is that we are related to a woman called Jemima Nicholas, who was a huge farmer or farmer's wife,

who

repelled attack by the French navy in 1797 in West Wales.

Nice.

And yet, you, her progeny, is allowing a rat to run rampage over your your strawberries, Ben.

Pathetic.

They took on an entire army.

And you can't even protect your own

home fruits.

Oh, is that Bollocking accepted, Mike?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, always.

Yeah.

Bollocking accepted.

Steve emails.

Hello, Beans.

Hi, Steve.

I've been listening with interest as fellow listeners claim to have listened to the pod in the most northerly, highest, etc.

locations.

I propose an alternative.

Listening while on or in the oldest man-made feature.

And I'd like to nominate myself.

I listened while walking along the Ridgeway,

which has been in continuous use for over 5,000 years.

What's the Ridgeway?

I don't know.

Where is the Ridgeway?

Where is that?

It was while walking along a section in Wiltshire that I found myself listening to your pod.

It looks just like a big hill to me.

I'm looking at it online.

Well, he writes, in its earliest days, it was seen as modern, sophisticated, and groundbreaking.

Now it feels tired and shabby, and in many places, completely ruined.

But the Ridgeway was great.

Was that a switcheroo?

That's really past Henry by that.

I'm not even going to engage that.

The Ridgeway is...

Your badges in the post.

The Ridgeway is

such a great example, I'm looking at it, of our slight paucity of really great tourism spots in Britain.

It's a path, basically.

It's not even, it's nothing.

I'm reading it.

It's a picture of a hill.

To me, that's just any generic bit of countryside anywhere in Britain.

It's just a green hill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then it says, check out this.

This is the top paragraph on the website, right?

This is where you grab them.

Yeah.

This is where you grab them.

You put your best stuff out front

and you grab them.

You make it a must-see.

This is the first sentence.

The Ridgeway National Trail is a walking route in a surprisingly remote part of south-central England.

What does that mean?

How can something be surprisingly remote?

And nothing in south-central England is particularly remote anyway.

Exactly.

Well, it's South Central England.

Compared to most nations on Earth.

You're always quite near Worcester.

Yeah,

you're always quite near an Esso garage as well.

As Britain's oldest road, the Ridgeway still follows the same route over the high ground used since prehistoric times by

travellers, herdsmen, and soldiers.

I mean, that sounds okay.

But

I don't want to slag off the Ridgeway,

but I am.

But is it possible then that Steve has listened to our podcast at the most disappointing tourist attraction on Earth?

Okay,

that could be a new category.

So if anyone has listened at a more disappointing tourist attraction than Britain's oldest.

That I would accept as a category.

Absolutely.

And particularly because I don't want people going and listening to the beans and, you know, in a tomb in the pyramids at Giza and getting cursed and all that kind of stuff.

It's a dangerous game, he's suggesting.

Yeah, disappointing tourist attractions.

Yes, please.

West of the River Thames, the Ridgeway.

Oh, west of the River Thames, eh?

Now you've got me.

Taj Mawat.

We're not going there.

This place is west of the River Thames.

Golden Gate, fuck off.

We're going to the Ridgeway.

It's west of the River Thames.

Okay.

It's a broad broad track.

Can you imagine that?

Imagine a broad track.

Because you know, most tracks you're like, this is an okay track, but I wouldn't travel to see it.

But broad.

Doesn't say how broad.

You could walk in the very footsteps of some bloke who sold turnips for a living quite a long time ago.

Probably.

Also,

most places in Britain, right, have been walked over by some prehistoric person at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Good point.

It's passing the North Wessex Downs area of outstanding natural beauty.

All right, that sounds okay, and it's often quite a distance from villages or towns.

That's literally what it says.

It's often often, not always, quite a distance, not far, just quite

quite a quarter of a seven-minute drive.

Quite a distance, doesn't say if it's a long distance, it's quite a distance.

It might be quite a small distance.

You can see the SO garage normally, it's just a bit of a pain in the ass to walk there.

Yeah,

you, yeah, you can't read the deals

unless you've got 20-20 vision.

You can hear the A-Road.

You can hear the A-Road.

We say you can't read the instructions on the charcoal

for the majority of

at points.

We can't guarantee that.

So we have to, for small print purposes, we have to say it is possible that you can read the instructions on the charcoal throughout the walk.

If you've remembered your glasses.

But for 80% of the walk, you will be within 10 minutes of a wild bean cafe.

Yeah.

And it's called wild bean for a reason.

It's because

it did well in focus groups.

So what you've got on this walk is you'll experience wide, open views.

So not cramped and closed.

Not those kinds of views.

Not cramped and closed views.

That's what I take my family to.

Yeah, cramped and closed.

It's more like looking at things through a slot, isn't it?

What you do?

You get the whole family inside a post box

and you look out at the world.

So wide, wide and open views of rolling chalk downland.

As soon as you said chalk, I'm having a shit British older.

Because in a minute,

yeah, you're going to say limestone.

You've said limestone as well.

You said chalk and limestone are having a shit day.

Because you've said chalk and limestone.

No one who's fucking climbed the Andes has ever said chalk and limestone.

No one's ever visited the Louvre, has said chalk and limestone.

It can't be a selling point, Pete.

It can't be a selling point.

Chalk and limestone.

So chalk downlands and find many archaeological monuments close to the trail, including.

Okay, guys.

Are you sitting down?

Is it a mound of earth?

Oh, you wish.

Mound of earth that might be a Saxon burial site.

It might not be.

It might just be a mound of earth.

We're not sure.

It's stone age long barrows.

What's a barrow?

I don't know.

But it's long.

It's a long one.

It's a stone age long barrow.

Not a wheelbarrow.

Come on, chill out, guys.

It's a barrow.

They've got stone age long barrows.

They've also got,

hope you're still sitting down.

Bronze Age round barrows.

Whenever you're attracted to a Stone Age or Bronze Age monument, I mean, it's always just

a ditch.

It's a ditch or it's an area of grass.

Yeah.

And you're just having a lot of people.

And you make out that, look, there's a vague...

With the Eye of Faith, there's the vague shape

of a shape to this ditch.

And presumably it's just very, very...

Children are getting very antsy.

I imagine it's just very difficult to manage a family through this kind of bit of holiday.

Yeah, if you don't have premium snacks.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're getting mutiny within five minutes

i feel sorry for the ridgeway a bit but also

i was not messily because it would it would have ruined a lot of people's holidays i imagine yeah henry it's britain's route 66.

you're right imagine going along it in a drop-top chevrolet

suddenly things change suddenly getting stuck within seven yards

uh we've had an email from andrew Hello, Andrew.

Deer Speeds, in your most recent episode, there's a brief chat about biscuits.

Yes.

I wanted to to share my recent experience of a new twist on a classic biscuit that is genuinely amazing.

Okay.

I'm something of a stalwart supporter of the classic British biscuit, but was tempted down off my perch by a present from my girlfriend's mother.

Chocolate-coated custard creams from M ⁇ S.

Oh my god.

Honestly, they're so good, I've become something of an irritating evangelist for them.

I also now have my entire extended family addicted.

Yeah, but this sounds like a cult.

It really does, doesn't it?

Yeah, I mean, that sounds absolutely foul.

I'm looking at a picture of it.

I'm like, It's a very M ⁇ S thing.

MNS are kind of in charge of like the luxury indulgence sort of food, aren't they?

That's their thing.

So it's a classic M ⁇ S thing.

I'm looking at it, and it's called, this is so MNS.

Is that just because they coat everything in milk chocolate?

That's all that's happening.

Carrots.

It's a luxury way.

Coated in thick milk chocolate.

Luxury Cumberland sausages.

Drizzled in hot milk chocolate.

And now, two for one on fairy liquid.

Enrobed in the most luxurious

of milk chalk.

And now our entire home cleaning range.

40-watt light bulb

in gore with a hazelnut finish.

Absolutely drown

in thick milk chocolate.

A honeycomb ganache.

And why not try our new home insurance?

Encrusted in the smoothest and most fabulously indulgent

milky milk chocolate.

And have you visited our Bureau de Change?

Where our chocolate-coated exchange experts are on hand

to give you chocolate-coated Turkish lira.

And for that special person in your life,

have you considered MS funeral MS

funerals?

Say goodbye to that special person by enrobing them

in four layers

of salted caramel Swiss,

peanut encrusted,

chocolatey milk chalk chocolate now with raisins

they've developed the alchemists we're looking for which is basically a nozzle that can pump hot chocolate but cool it as it exits the nozzle yeah so that it can enrobe anything because if you were to ben if you were at home to try and encrust something and in in enrobe something in chocolate yeah which you do which he's doing all the time like a crow for example

like a crow exactly like a crow so you would the first thing you would do is you'd create a ban-marie, wouldn't you?

So you'd put a bowl over some boiling water, you'd put the chalk in that, the chalk would melt.

But as you were pouring it onto the crow, what, is the crow sedated?

No, this is in a trap, isn't it?

It's eaten so many of my strawberries that it's kind of in a sort of post-strawberry

sleep.

And you're like, you know, you've made the Bonvillain era, which is instead of just killing it while you can, you've decided to give it a really drawn-out, symbolic death by enrobing it in hot milk chocolate.

And while you've got the Bammerie going, it's fucking going through your fridge.

That crow.

No, but you'd pour chocolate onto it, but it wouldn't cool down in the right.

It'd be very, very tricky, I think.

Probably very hard, technically hard to enrobe things in delicious milk chocolate.

But they've done it with the custard cream.

I'm looking at the packaging, it's Sermon S, it's called Outrageously Chocolatey.

Oh, God.

They always use words like that.

Yeah.

Anyway, it sounds nice to me, to be honest.

Sounds quite sickly.

I can't promise I won't try it.

There's a high chance I will, but

it sounds quite

emetic.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com.

Forward slash 3bee salad.

Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Patreon.com forward slash 3bean salad is the place.

One thing I wanted to say, because I've seen a few people write about this on the internet, some people were saying they were reticent to join because they didn't want to listen to the episodes on the Patreon app.

But that's not a concern because when you join on Patreon, you can still listen on your app.

You get an RSS code.

It's quite simple.

And then you can listen to all the Patreon stuff on your app or on Spotify.

Just thought I'd make that clear because some people were concerned about that.

Crumbs.

I'm glad you handled that because I didn't really understand what you said there.

But yeah, great.

Thanks.

It's pretty simple.

But you can listen to.

All major bookshops.

And there are various tiers to sign up at.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from our old stomping ground, the Sean Bean Lounge.

We certainly do.

Where Mike spent last night.

It was quite busy down there, wasn't it, last night?

Because it was the

go through your old receipts with the Scottish Rugby Team Night.

It was.

Thank you, Pen.

And here's my report.

It was go through your old receipts with the Scottish Rugby Team Night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.

Following the Acts of Union of 1707, the Scottish Rugby Team is technically the King.

And so the evening was also Charles III's Sean B.

Lounge debut.

Brianna Adlard, Phil Lowe, Alex Fisher and Stephanie Hutt all presented suspicious handwritten receipts and were ejected immediately.

Andrew Al-Sawad Goodwin, Matt Kashanikarver, Alex with an Eye and Dan Richards were all found to have receipts for anti-monarchist purchases such as Hamilton DVDs and French lager and were sent to the tower.

Sam Knight, Chris Wilcox and Andrew Griffiths all addressed the king incorrectly and are now walking the perimeter of England wearing nothing but the last receipt they took possession of, which coincidentally in the case of all three was a receipt for athlete's foot powder, musicians' hand powder, Cossacks' knee powder, two liters of Chericola, and tennis umpire's bum powder.

Charlotte found a receipt for a mini panettone from Costa, on the back of which was a charcoal doodle by none other than Vincent van Gogh.

King Chuck took possession of the receipt, promising to have it valued before giving Charlotte a receipt for the receipt, and just to be on the safe side, sharing his mobile number with her with assurances that A, yes it was real, and B, he wasn't sure, but he assumed that it was on account of him being the sovereign head of state that the number was only one digit long.

Connor Gribbon had a receipt for 18 spanners but wouldn't take questions.

Rory Forbes had 18 receipts for one spanner, and Philip Lowe had a receipt that would have spanned the length of 18 spanners end to end, but was in fact for fake beards and rubber chins.

Samantha Knight had a gift receipt from Roger Cotton, who'd re-gifted it after Savannah Yank had gifted him with it as a thank you from Sean McLabray for the original gift, the nature of which is unknown.

Laura, Liz, and Anita shredded and chewed their receipts before sculpting the pulp into the shape of Gibraltar, for which the king awarded them the Order of the Royal Garter.

Seeing this, Coco, MLB and Piper Cheese tried to work a receipt pulp into the bust of Queen Camilla, but her left eyebrow said Nando's and they were exiled.

Sarah Proctor brought vouchers by mistake and with this folly so pleased the king verily he doth laugh till he did piss.

And Sarah is now official court jester until death.

Matt Alder had a receipt for a build your own Lego Bean Machine, Stu Boyland had a receipt for blackmail payments to Nathan Beardsley, and James Dawson had a receipt for the hard drives he had to hand over to the National Crime Agency.

King Charles III scored the only try of the evening and converted it twice to win 9-0.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

And this one is from Damien from Perth in Western Australia.

Thank you, Damien.

Dear Beans, the first time I ever heard your theme song, I was instantly reminded of the song Lorelei by Cocteau Twins.

Oh, yeah.

Is it not the Cocteau Twins?

The Wirral.

The Tweed Kini.

It is eerily similar, although far more jaunty than ethereal.

So I've taken it upon myself to bring your theme into the shoegaze/slash dream pop realm.

Bean gaze, if you will.

I had a cocktail twins face.

I used to like them.

They're really good.

I think I know that song, but I can't remember offhand how it goes.

Well, let's see what Damien's done.

He writes, I sincerely hope this doesn't bring on a lawsuit.

Me too, Damien.

Thanks to everyone for listening.

See you next time.

Bye.

Thank you all.

Cheers.