Feudalism

It was my birthday yesterday.

Happy bonjo day to you.

Happy bonjo day to you.

This is a nice sultry version.

I've got a bit Marilyn Monroe.

Happy bonjo day to you, bonjour men.

May your evil empire last a thousand years

until the skies cry with blood.

Until the skies cry with blood.

See, Marilyn Monroe didn't do that bit for Jerification.

She didn't, did she?

Not publicly.

You know the thing of her getting a wind upper skirt?

Yeah.

Which we've all tried to reproduce, haven't we?

We've all tried.

And it's very hard with Chinos, isn't it, Mike?

Because you've tried it with Chinos, haven't you?

Well, I even had some special bell-bottom Chinos made for me, especially to try to do even then it can't.

You just get a sort of tight windsock feeling and it's very misleading to passing aircraft that's right we've all tried it by sort of farting in your swimming trunks basically that's that's the closest i've got

the nearest a lot more scary well also the natural it's that natural bulbous swelling you get in your swimming trunks when you really know you're on holidays now that's the feeling you know when you're in the sea suddenly you've got a huge bulbous swelling

in your trunks and you're like i don't get this feeling in my usual nine-to-five grind yeah well there's no jellyfish at the office are there there's no jellyfish you don't get get that

it's that thing of it's that thing that happens over and over again in in life which is that

nothing can be perfect it's like a british short-haired cat perfect but the claws

and the vengeful attitude

and the anal glands that you have to manually express and the horrific

the utterly horrific relentlessly discharging ordeal anal anal glands relentlessly discharging anal glands around the other side but but on the front you've got a beautiful the most beautiful face you imagine if you you imagine flattening out timothy chalamet's face yeah already quite flat which is already quite even flatter than it is you don't want to convex it if you convex it you're going to hammer it you're going to hammer it back through with the softest hammers you can buy it's very hard to buy soft hammers no but even an apprentice panel beater could could get that flat in in under an hour

Where's what they, it's one of your first, as in it, in panel beating college, it's one of your first sort of...

They give you a wax Chalamet head.

They give you a wax Chalameray and everyone's got one for

the year.

And by the end, they're having a lot of fun chucking bits of shallow nose around.

You beat half a dozen of a sandwich and you'll find a shallow year in it, whatever.

It's just a bit of banter, isn't it?

Yeah, so yeah, but it's that trade-off, isn't it?

So, a cat is sweet, but it has the claws.

It's a bit like the front of a restaurant is lovely.

Yes.

If you look into the kitchen, it's horrific.

It gets worse.

And the further through you go, the worse it gets.

It has to give off

an equal, but it's Newtonian.

It's basic Newtonian physics, isn't it?

Do tell.

Well, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So if an apple falls off a tree, somewhere else on earth, an apple is falling up off the ground onto a tree.

That's what he meant.

That's what he meant.

But, you know,

every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So, a restaurant that makes lovely, lovely, fine-smelling foods, taste is a form of smell, isn't it?

It's just a liquid smell.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

Smell is a gaseous smell, it's the same thing.

Same face receptors.

And touch is a haptic smell.

that's right and um sound is a sonic smell yeah it's a conceptual smell it's a conceptual smell so um what ideas are a conceptual smell anyway um the point i'm making is yeah so a restaurant as you say ben the the the back end of a restaurant will have an equal and opposite smell to the front end and it'll be absolutely rank and actually the finer the restaurant the more rank the smell out the back weirdly so do we have to assume that that someone has blue tacturred to the back of the mona lisa or at least been sick down the back of the canvas

well that's why Mike, you never see Round the Back, do you?

What is Round the Back?

We must never see it.

It's a horror show.

But basically,

in the Louvre, every...

Well, the reason it's called the Louvre is because every gallery room has a Lou, a French Lou around the other side, doesn't it?

So each painting

as a stall, as a...

a sit-down shit box, whatever you want to call it.

A stall that applies to it, doesn't it?

So if you've had a dump in the Louvre, you may have been...

And your turds goes directly then onto the back of the painting.

It's forced onto the back of the painting.

That's right.

And it can contribute to the animal.

It forces onto

keep the equal and opposite, the balance, the Newtonian balance in check.

The thing behind restaurants that I always see that for some reason I cannot abide is when you see like a huge 50-litre sort of bucket of mayonnaise.

Do you know what I mean?

And yeah, and you can't abide just not taking it home with you.

You have to.

No, I know what you mean.

What the quantity of it makes it rank.

There's already too many tubs.

Yeah, if you look at the skip behind a restaurant, there's too many tubs of mayonnaise or pre-prepared.

There's too many tubs, exactly.

Tubs.

Whatever sauce it is.

There's just liters and liters.

It's various different densities of gelatin, isn't it?

Mostly.

You can actually, you know, like a French French restaurateur can sort of play you a song by wobbling the different gelatins because they wobble at a different frequency.

Actually, if you're ever wooed, if you're ever lucky enough to be be wooed by

a French restaurateur,

you may have to, at the beginning of the night, he'll lay out like 12 or 15 tubs.

That's how I met my wife.

Do not help yourself to the finger buffet until I finish the gelatine serenade.

Yeah, so it's an amazing sight to see, but just by setting setting off the wobbles at different rates.

But it's true that restaurants.

It's why they say never visit a sausage factory, isn't it?

It's the same thing.

But the thing is, the sausage that comes out of the front of the sausage factory is also disgusting.

I know.

That's one of the things.

So it might be that sausage factory is actually quite nice.

It might be staffed by some of the most handsome sausage makers.

Yes.

They might be the sexiest people.

on earth.

Glistening golden forearms.

Yeah.

Okay, boys, another day at the sausage factory.

Let's go.

Looking good, Steve.

Oh, nice pecs.

Oh, I love what you've done with your

abdomen.

Yes.

So every nice experience has to have its kind of.

So every snorkeling experience has to have its anemones.

Is that what they're called?

An anemone is an you see that anemone.

Is that a negative?

Anemon.

Is that a negative?

I think they're a positive.

You'd be pleased to see one, wouldn't you?

Because then you've seen something, haven't you?

When I go snorkeling, that's the only thing I ever see.

Oh, no, sorry.

Anemones are good.

Which are the ones that are black and spiky?

Orcas.

Sea urchin, I'm talking about.

Sea urchin, it's just a black ball with spikes.

It's just pure malevolence.

There's no way.

Guaranteed death.

It's guaranteed death.

And there's thousands of them scattered.

So you're having this lovely time, but also

is waiting for you.

Yeah, can we, I want to rewind slightly because you were talking about the, i can't remember how you described it you called it the bulb the bulbous the bulbous pant um trunk swelling yeah yes we never necessarily clarified exactly what that was can we just be very clear you're not talking about getting a boner on holiday okay i'm talking about your first holiday boner

um

i thought it was a trapped guff i wasn't sure which end of the or side of the trunks we were talking i don't know what it is but it's some sort of um it's unsavoury whichever way you look at it isn't it yeah i i don't know i think it's a kind of briny bubble the air bubble that gets created.

Yeah, I know what you mean exactly.

Yeah, if you're wearing sort of shorts and they kind of jump in, and then you're just left with a huge bubble underneath the shorts.

Yeah, and it's not, you haven't had an accident.

No, no, not necessarily.

I think generally you point it out to the people with you, and I think it's seen as a moment that is funny, sort of deeply human, and just the tiniest bit ribbled, but no one exactly knows why.

It's just that this is

I'm quite worried, though, that Mike's never had this experience.

Are you wearing sort of skin-tight leather sea trousers?

Yes, and I also have a sort of a waist, a waist level gill valve that releases any additional, I had that installed quite a few years ago, releases any additional gas.

Well, it's think like an eel, behave like an eel, dress like an eel, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's your three watchwords for a successful holiday.

Dive, dive, dive!

Because eels successfully transmigrate

the known world, don't they, in order to spawn?

Yeah.

So essentially, that's basically a holiday, isn't it, in a way?

I remember being in Northern Ireland once, and I was by a lake and they were saying oh the the eels in this lake they spend half the year here spawning and then they go to like the south atlantic or and it's thousands of miles and then every year they come back and they find the exact same place i just thought why bother just stay here um so were the were these eels these were eels yeah so so where did they start off again northern ireland and they went all the way to somewhere else

and where were you

I was in

Northern Ireland.

I was spawning as well, you see.

I returned to the same lake every year.

So, why are you hanging around with these eels in the first place?

Because I was just fertilising them.

Was this your last year, Ben, when none of us could get in touch with you?

We were all very worried about you.

And we feared that you hang out with Northern Irish eels.

I told people you were hanging out with Northern Irish eels, but a lot of people wouldn't believe me.

Here he comes, it's your old friend Eel.

He lives his life with uncommon zeal.

Although most things fall outside his scope, because he's a fish and he's a rope.

Who's following these eels?

Who's keeping track of this?

You can't tag an eel, can you?

They're famously slippery.

It's not like putting a hook around a talon on an eagle.

They're very slippery.

You can put one in a bucket, though, quite easily.

Oh, yeah.

Which is much harder with an eagle.

That's their Achilles eel, isn't it, really, is an animal?

They're very bucketable.

One of the most buckets of animals going.

Honestly, if you just wade into any group of eels.

And this could be top eels.

We could be talking like the SAS of eels, absolute top, top eel head squad.

Just wade into them with a bucket and you'll be walking out with their leader, their leaders, their leader's family.

But then you're just in a situation where you've got head-to-head with an eel.

Do you want that?

Do you want a bucket of eels?

Do you want a bucket of eels?

The answer is no.

I don't know if I've ever eaten an eel in my entire life.

Really?

Yeah.

I've enjoyed an eel.

Yes.

I am.

And as a Londoner, surely.

You go down, you know, go down the Roman Road.

Oh, of course, yeah.

The jelly deal.

Yeah, no, yeah, jelly deals.

It's...

I mean, there isn't even a phrase, don't go into an eel jellying facility, because there doesn't need to be one.

It'll be completely defunct.

Yeah, I think jelly deal is one of the

most unappetizing combination of concepts, isn't it?

Of all time.

And it's often available alongside one of the other ones, which is pickled eggs.

Pickled eggs and jelly deals often.

They're quite nice phrases to say, aren't they?

Yeah, it's fun to say.

Jelly deal, pickled egg.

How did you dine on your birthday,

Ben?

Because you love your food.

Me?

Yeah.

Did you treat yourself yesterday?

I had a weird day because my car broke down, the Saab.

There are a few sites more pathetic than a broken-down drop-top automobile.

It's true.

Yeah.

But I tell you what, the AA don't half come out faster when they think that a beautiful Scandinavian woman has

broken down at the side of the road.

Let's go, lads.

No, this is my one.

No, it's my bags.

You told me no.

It's my turn.

Hello, this is Pen Chamin, the portrait dottir.

I'm just waiting.

On DM4.

And then the disappointment of the reality is huge.

They'll be walking towards the guy thinking, all right, well, she's got short hair, but that's that's quite modern.

And glasses.

Yeah, she's, well, sometimes they say with uh, you know, when she wops those glasses out off and then shakes her, shakes that short hair out.

Oh, no, I'll tell you what, she must be wearing one of those special Scandinavian hats.

That's what it is.

I'll wait and see what's going on.

Oh, it's a scandy hat.

It's on offer when I get around the front.

She's wearing a massive seal skin.

That's what it is.

She's wearing a badge saying I'm 38 today, and has she got a bucket of eels?

That's probably some sort of sex game.

And I tell you what, I'm up for playing it.

Let's do this.

Yeah, so it slightly sort of put the dampener on things.

Obviously, parts cannot be the only way to access parts would be you'd have to find a garage which is able to enter a black hole and come out in the 1970s, right?

Do you mean because subs are no longer produced?

Yes.

So that's, I mean, and carriages do promise a lot.

I mean, they'll offer to do you an MOT for sort of 35 quid sometimes.

Yeah.

But

it's a stretch, isn't it?

I mean,

is it a no parts?

Is it like...

Obviously, you can make, you can craft your own parts out of Marzipan,

can't you?

Which is causing quite a lot of the problem.

It's too Christmassy, isn't it?

The smell's too Christmassy.

Too Christmasy is too delicious.

You end up with your head down in the football, don't you just gnawing your way through the clutch?

I've done it again.

I'm really sorry.

And then further problems were created by Taylor Swift.

Was he with Cardiff last night?

Oh, yeah, I heard about Travel Chaos.

Yeah, so it sort of meant we couldn't really go into town to go to a restaurant because it would have just been travel chaos.

Because there was sparkles, wasn't it?

Sparkles were like clogging up the streets.

Yeah, and Featherboas and the Featherboas and yeah and swifty friendship places and um and surprisingly good lyrics actually yeah so yeah it's a bit of a weird one but um i i did the night before i was in town and i saw the the first girl in the swifty queue to get in she was already camping out on the street unnecessarily probably because she was at the front and already had a ticket how does that work well well she wants to be at the front i think of the gig Why?

The gig just starts when it starts, doesn't it?

Oh, I see.

It's not a signed seating.

It's definitely a signed seating, Mike.

It's not like a three-bean salad cake.

I mean, it's assigned seating, it's Taylor Swift.

No, it's not because I think the bit in front of the stage is probably just standing, right?

Oh, good point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Intra-bean bulking accepted.

Yeah.

So I think these there were people there early because they wanted to rush to the front and be there.

Right, yeah.

I've never had, I'm a bit envious in a way because I've never had anything I've wanted to do enough that I would be prepared to go the day before and camp and risk being sort of whizzed on by stag parties in the the middle of the night and all that kind of stuff.

Also, Mike, it's not just stag days.

We've always done a queue.

We've always done a midnight queue.

Come on.

Sometimes I'll pop out.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll just pop out and get an Uber to Wembley.

Well, you're at that age, aren't you?

I'm at that age.

Sometimes it's two or three times a night.

Most of the night on my way to and from Wembley.

I'm trying to think if I've actually queued for like, yeah,

to be at the front.

I don't think so.

I just don't care enough.

And also, if you're at the front, you need to piss, right?

So you have to leave your station or piss on the floor.

Yeah, or down a security guard.

So much of it is piss dynamics, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because you've got to think about pissing in the queue.

Also, the event which you're buying tickets for, if you eventually get into it, will almost certainly just be a huge set of piss challenges

in itself, which is what a live gig is, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a complex sort of piss steeplechase, isn't it?

Really?

Yeah.

And debating whether or not if you do it slowly enough, it's okay to piss into your own trousers.

And essentially, it's a huge kind of an exploration of your own deepest piss psyche and piss psychology to the soundtrack of a band that you hopefully quite like.

That's what it is.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm quite good at kind of dehydrating myself to the point of almost death

so that I don't have to piss during a four-hour coach journey because I got quite good at doing that.

I used to get a lot of coaches between Wales and London.

And I did not want to piss on the coach.

So I got quite good at just not being able to basically not drink for about 48 hours.

Yeah.

When it's sort of like a pre-operative approach, basically.

Yeah.

Ben,

that's a slightly less glamorous version of what Hugh Jackman does for his appearances in the Wolverine films.

Is it?

Yeah.

He

travels on a mega bus from Cardiff to London.

Just to get angry enough that he can.

Just so he can focus that rage.

Well, he dehydrates himself.

Oh, so his board looks good.

Yeah, I mean, it's sort of gym guys' chat.

So

you guys probably aren't that interested in it, but I won't bother talking about it.

But I will fuck it.

If you guys ever do decide to get into the gym stuff, or for any gym people that are out there listening,

it's a way, it's like the icing on the body cake.

Here's another really unhealthy thing to do to make you look good for a bit.

Yes, if you thought eating nothing but powder wasn't unhealthy enough,

We're no longer diluting that powder in any sort of fluid.

We're just eating it dry.

Eating it dry.

Right, that's enough of a break.

Let's get back to wrecking those tendons.

Come on, guys.

Listen, what he does is, so basically, bod, bod-wise, I see the and gym people tend to see the human body as like a cake.

Because all you can think about is cake.

It's all we can think about as cake.

Wish I had some cake.

Essentially, yes.

So what Hugh Jackman does is

dehydrates himself for like three days before appearing as Wolverine or a couple of days or something.

Really unhealthy.

But it's the icing on the bod cake.

So, it just tugs away any fine,

you know, like

so.

So, you've got your definition, your muscle definitions are your abductors, your reductors, your interloculators, your spander,

spandorinos,

spandorinos up here.

And you've got all the arse muscles, the arsus maximus, the arsus minimus, arsus

mediocritus.

Yeah.

Because basically, what you want to look like is a kind of vacuum-packed bag of eels.

Yeah, like someone's put their heel into the small of your back and really tugged hard at any bit of skin that they can hold on to.

Exactly.

They've tugged at your skin.

Imagine your skin is like a sock full of

eels,

of walnuts.

And then

you're twisting the end of the sock over and over again until those walnuts are bulging through or as you say if you um vacuum pack a bunch of eels well that's very hard to do it's very easy to get eels into a bucket very hard to vacuum pack them which is why you don't have the option unfortunately of although I have patented it but of wearing a vacuum packed eel suit sprayed pink which is actually a lot a lot cheaper than than joining a gym but there are health issues and it's seen as cruel to the um to the person wearing the suit

and also cinematically i think people have been displeased about the shade of pink, as you say, that you've chosen, because people want to see bronzed bodies, don't they?

In Caucasian male, they're not really into the

violent pink.

The bright pepper pig pink that I went for.

The blotchy.

The blotchy.

I do come out nice and blotchy in this weather, though, I tell you.

Anyway, so what he does is by dehydrating, you're finishing off your

toning, which is

that packed eel feeling of squidgy but hard ripples contained in a

semi-transparent, well, a fully transparent plastic membrane in the case of the bag of eels or human skin in the case of a human.

So by dehydrating, he gets the last suction of

skin onto muscle,

which just gives you that kind of comic book, you know, like toning.

But what I found out is actually what you can do, Ben, is you can just do the icing essentially.

So if you dehydrate, as you're saying, you do for three days, what you'll, and what I do, if I dehydrate, you can still get the icing, but just on a very, very bad cake, you see what I mean?

So you can still have the kind of skin sucking into the fat.

And the icing is the bit people like best, isn't it?

And the icing is the bit people like best.

I saw a trailer for the new Hugh Jackman Wolverine Wolverine film, and it's Wolverine Meets Deadpool.

Oh.

And I watched it.

Everyone FF.

I felt so depressed watching it.

I was like, this is.

What's the opposite of an apex?

Nadia.

Bumplex.

I did feel like

this is the bumplex.

We've reached the bumplex.

Yeah, we've reached the bumplex of world culture.

This is

the end.

This is humanity.

Wolverine meets Deadpool.

It was so depressing to watch.

I really did feel like disheartened by it.

Did you watch the actual film?

No, no, no.

The trailer was so hard to get through.

I was in a cinema.

Is it quite a sort of knowing?

Oh, it would be so.

I bet it's so knowing.

It's got rubbish, crap, sort of Marvel humour in it all the way through.

So it's kind of a funny Marvel film.

So that's always terrible.

But I was at the cinema because I went to watch Lord of the Rings.

So I watched all three of the films in extended edition across the weekend.

So Saturday night, Fellowship of the Ring, extended edition.

Sunday night, The Two Towers, extended edition.

Monday night, Return to the King, extended edition.

Good lord.

Blind me.

So how many hours of film watching is that?

About 12, I think.

They're about four hours in.

Oh, bloody hell.

Do you know if that's you've you've paid more attention to the fictional goings-on in Gondor than you will to this month?

This general election.

Very real general election.

I mean, a bunch of gnarly, totally amoral,

ogre-ish

monster creeps spewing poisonous bile every time they open their mouths, creating a dark horde that threatens to destroy any hope of peace in the Vale.

Here we go, here we go.

Oh, I actually haven't actually read the Tory Manifesto myself yet.

He's done it.

He's done it.

I love it, by Jove.

Not too bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroot.

Okay, yeah, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that what?

Hang on.

I thought he was trying to say...

Oh, he's gone the other...

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that...

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So,

what he said before wasn't like...

I thought it's...

Now he's gone the other way around from there.

Oh, God.

It's the old switcheroo.

And the hobbits are the libdems.

And the hobbits are always the libdems.

I really enjoyed them, by the way.

Did you?

I thought they might be hugely tedious.

And I hadn't watched them since I was 14 or whenever they came out.

Who was there with you?

Did you go solo?

I was on my own.

Then everybody in that cinema was on their own.

Another single ticket for Loudetta Things, Place.

And that's the coolest guy we've had through the doors today.

Could I have two tickets for

do you mean one ticket yes i mean one i just wanted to know what it felt like to say it out loud could i have three

one for me and one for mr

and one for my computer came

i do think that's over the top of some hugging to get some fizzy fizzy razzles.

Would you like some pecamix baby yoda?

Not too much.

'Cause you've still got your baby yoda milk teeth.

I thought, can I have c can I put have you got any sort of bowl that I can use for the spoon?

I've got a lot more spusin'.

I've got a lot more spusin' today than useful.

Don't know why.

I've forgotten my bib.

I've forgotten my vinyl puncher.

I forgot my ex-men bib.

Are we allowed to put ointment on in the auditorium?

Is it okay, or do I have to go to the toilets?

Also, keep yourself Veruga socks.

Basically, I told them a Veruka sock, but that fits over a face.

They actually want to ask.

I tell you what, you think that the terrain of Mordos like it is a theme of

my half?

My half spoils.

Anyway, look, come on.

That's not how things are.

That's not what it's like.

Okay.

And of course, I mean, all of that was the wrong because you would ask for a ticket in Elvish.

That's right.

And they wouldn't hand you the ticket.

They'd attach it to a crow.

The crow would fly out of the window.

He just has a fucking hope you could drag that crow down.

But I could.

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it.

I'm glad to hear that.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

This week's topic, as sent in by Cody from America.

Cody.

Great name.

Play the jingle.

The Cody jingle

right and then play the Cody jingle.

They're the greatest Cody in the USA.

Burgers.

I mean, is there anyone called Cody who isn't from America?

Or maybe there's some Australian people.

I doubt it.

There was definitely a Cody in Neighbours.

Right.

No, that was Tody.

There was a Tody, but there was also a Cody.

Was there a Cody as well?

Yeah.

Cody Willis.

And she died.

Oh, no, Cody.

And I think she died.

Oh, we've got no vital signs.

Do you mean she died in the programme?

She died in Neighbours, yeah.

We've got literally no vital signs.

We're going to have to put off the Barbie by half an hour.

20 minutes.

Okay, let's not go crazy.

Okay, you know what?

Let's bring it forward.

We're bringing the Barbie forward.

Get Barbieing now.

But wait, Cody was supposed to bring the prawns.

No!

No!

No, but wait, she's still got, no, she's dead.

She's still got the, she's got the prawns.

The prawns are alive.

They've taken on her life force.

The prawns have taken on her.

I don't know how this leaves the Baby.

Is this good for the Baby or bad?

I don't know.

Run, but I'm not sure where.

Run in a circle.

Everyone start running and meet back here in a second.

And hopefully we'll have had some ideas in the meantime.

And check on your toilet seat for spiders.

That's just a given.

That's always a given.

You know what?

The other day I was having a shit shit and I was like, you know what?

This makes a nice change.

I actually can't see a giant spider in this journey.

And they were like, oh, sitting on a giant spider.

I was shitting on his head.

It was the worst thing I could have done.

You know, if people think that we've got a broad brush on this show,

what I would say is

it might be a broad brush, but it's a hell of a wall.

That we've got to paint.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

if you're painting the, you know, if you're painting the Great Wall of China.

We're not doing the Sistine Chapel here.

Yeah, We're doing the Fourth Road Bridge.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You need a big brush just to cover those inches.

I think that the character of Cody Willis in Neighbours, if my memory serves me, and she did leave in 1996 or something, but I think she was shot by mistake by a duck hunter.

No way.

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, I remember that.

Was she protesting the duck hunt?

I think she was protesting the duck hunt.

Yeah.

I remember that.

Yes, that was shocking.

And then I remember someone shouted, duck.

Duck.

And she went, I know.

And then got, and then the bullet went straight through her head.

It's just good humour, people.

It's a broad brush with a novelty handle.

It's got one of these handles, which is a lady in a bikini.

You tip it up and actually puts more clothes on her.

Because that's actually.

You know what I mean?

That's more respectful.

If that's what she wants.

You know what?

I'm leading market for a pen, which has a woman in a bikini turn upside down and it dresses her up as a high court judge or

a very qualified scientist.

That'll come as a great relief to society.

Thank you, Henry.

And we could call it that line of pens, we could call it these pens are act, these pens, these are just how pens should be.

These are just normal pens.

Right, come on.

So did he dig himself deeper and deeper?

The brush is getting so broad now.

It's almost broader than the wall.

It's actually getting dangerously broad, this brush.

Come on.

Sorry.

And Cody, yeah, Cody had a topic for us.

What was that?

Cody's topic was

feudalism.

Ooh.

My liege.

I broadly think of two types.

I think of the sort of kind of like the Anglo-Saxon,

which mostly, if I think of it, is sort of there's kind of dark greens and browns, and then there's lots of turds and sort of people dying in their early 30s.

But that's enough about the state of Britain today.

Hey,

look at that.

In an election year, thank you very much.

I think we're actually supposed to be talking about medieval times.

Oh, wait, there isn't actually a difference because of the policies.

There's a lot of come up with lately.

Good stuff.

Lovely stuff.

Really good stuff.

Twang the jingle.

Can we twang that jingle twice?

I don't know.

Which jingle?

Satire.

You did a switcheroo earlier on.

Oh, the satire jingle.

That was a switcheroo, mate.

It was satire a rue.

It was a satire a rue.

The new board game from Three Bean Salad Shop.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old Satira Roo.

Okay, yeah, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that.

What?

Hang.

I thought the trend said.

Oh, he's gone the other way.

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that.

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So

what he said before wasn't actually.

I thought it.

Now he's gone the other way around from there.

Oh, God.

It's the old satiru.

So in a feudal system, is everything owned by the king?

So you've got your little strip of farmland or whatever that you have to do, but you don't own it.

You sort of...

Yes, I suppose your local laird will own it.

But I guess that he or his ancestors have been bequeathed that by the monarchy.

And I guess the monarchy can also take it away should they wish.

Yeah.

So I think there's kind of no almost no property in terms of, which is quite a a good system, isn't it?

You basically just get given a little bit of land, don't you?

It sounds good.

It heavily relies on the old benevolent dictator, though, doesn't it?

Again.

Yeah, but, you know, it's fine.

But also the king then has his dukes and people under him, doesn't he?

There's always

the sort of.

Northumberland.

Yeah.

Dare you come to me this day.

It's true that if you'd say Northumberland in feudal times, people go, oh, wow.

Northumberland.

Northumberland himself.

And the same goes for Leicester.

Yes.

Leicester?

Leicester himself?

Prepare the banqueting halls.

In fact, let's knock through this.

We're going to need the longest tables ever made.

I want a table so long it reaches the horizon or gets bloody close.

Because it's Leicester.

Whereas now, if you say Leicester, people just go, Leicester.

What?

Yeah.

Gary Lunica?

I'm going to need the biggest banqueting hall of all time.

Lunaker himself is

no, but

yeah, every sort of place name,

is that the case that every sort of county name, Wiltshire, Yorkshire, these were all like people, basically.

Well, they were the Earl of

these places, right?

I think.

And so keeping them in check, obviously, was a big thing.

The king was at the top.

Yeah.

And those guys all had to...

What?

Collect rent and stuff?

It's just like everyone gave 10% to the person above them, right?

Basically, is how it worked?

Yeah, Basically, see a sort of pyramid scheme, yeah, that's right.

And if you're a you know, that thing of like being knights, so like that, those people were knights, right?

The top sort of aristocrats were knights, is that right?

No, so there's a military element to it, no, is that not right?

Necessarily, I don't think they were knights, they would have had knights who'd have had knights, kind of were under them, I think.

Because I think this is what we're talking about, isn't it?

Is knights being a knight, and how would we all have been as knights?

Sir Henry,

I I think Sir Henry, famed for his absolutely gorgeous armour, my armour would be the most sparkly.

Are you seeing yourself as the sort of the bardic poet knight, are you?

The wooer, the chronic

poet knight.

So rosy cheeks.

He's playing his lute at the back of the squad of knights on their way to commit an atrocity.

Yes.

Betting wenches in every town?

Betting wenches in every town.

Betting quite high-ranking toffs wives.

An absolute court rascal.

With beautiful armor that

is covered in cartoons that I drew.

Okay.

Which impresses all the wenches a lot.

It's like, oh, he's really good at cartoons.

Hmm.

Methinks I'll bet him.

Will you draw me on your shin plate?

It's that kind of stuff.

Exactly.

But

I'll often ride into a jousting session with a geranium.

a bunch of geraniums, hand them out, that kind of thing.

You know, like the sort of knight of flowers.

Is that a thing?

Whereas Ben would be very much Sir Bonjo Min of the Black Forests.

And

very much an outsider,

vicious, no code of honor at all.

Literally none.

Really weird-looking, nasty sword with pokey bits.

They say he rides upon a pig.

They say he rides upon a black pig.

An armoured pig.

An armoured war pig.

Who is also his wife and mother?

And just best friend, actually.

Yeah.

Really, they really connect.

It's actually quite nice to see.

Hogsley.

Sweet Hogsley.

But because he rides low upon that dreadful fetid sow.

Fetid sow.

He's able to, because you're the only person that jousts, you joust up, don't you, straight into the balls of the opposing horse.

Yeah, no ethics, no ethics at all.

I will take the ball sack of any horse that dares joust me.

Uh, often consults with sooth-saying witches, that kind of that kind of knight, I think, someone, yes, dark, dark,

the blackest armor ever, and you've got your

helmet is um shaped like a like a crow's a crow's dick, isn't it?

So, between the crow's dick helmet and

your battle hog, what's he called?

Hogsley.

Hogsley.

It's quite the sight, isn't it?

As you totter, not three feet above the ground, as you totter into battle.

But do not underestimate him.

Oh, your barrel.

But do not underestimate him, because as soon as you underestimate him,

your balls will be aloft his lance and he will be doing his, I've got your balls prance.

Hogsley, let's do the prance.

I'm prancing to the left.

I've got your balls.

I'm prancing to the right.

I've got your balls.

Gonna feed my balls to Hogsley.

Gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now.

Ooh, Hogsley.

He's eating up your balls.

How'd you like him, Hogsley?

And in the melee, he doesn't use a sword, he uses a sort of like a spiked mace where the spikes are all sort of covered with jalapeno juice and stuff.

It's all really nasty.

That's right.

Yeah, it's horrible, horrible stuff.

He's also the first person to introduce jalapenos to medieval England.

He's not all bad.

Introduced the fajitas to the royal court.

But you very much introduce them as a form of chemical warfare.

I've no idea that they were also actually quite nice in a fajita situation.

Well, most food obviously started as weapons, didn't it?

Most of it started as weapons.

Gonna pap precur your ball wound.

I'm gonna paprika your ball wound.

Hogsley, Hogsley, he's trying to shag a dogsley.

Oh, stop it, Hogsley.

Just absolute, just an absolute horror, a battlefield horror.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you go around and you deliberately just wound people, wouldn't you?

You wouldn't kill people.

Do you like to watch them ride?

Well, I'd often just go and wound and kill the sort of drummers and people who aren't really meant to be involved in the fighting.

The pageantry people.

Yeah, yeah.

Once the battle's up and started,

you flank the band.

Basically, don't you?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And people just selling stuff and, you know, spectators, that kind of thing.

The shoe polish guys.

Yeah.

Some of the caterers get it as well.

Real nasty piece of work.

You've trained Hogsley to attack.

He'll attack flag bearers just instantly when it goes straight through their ankles well he goes straight from the hog roast because he doesn't like what's going on down there so um and most battles would have had a hog roast yeah yeah just to keep people going yeah and that's the only point where there's really conflict between you and hogsley of course because you do like a hog roast and you keep pointing out to him if you don't let if you don't get a bap with some apple sauce then who's next on the spit mate come on well that's why there's a there's there's a delicious tension isn't there in the relationship literally delicious which is that you really really want to eat hogsley and you have actually eaten certain bits of him and not told him, haven't you?

So there's less and less Hogsley.

He's a deep sleeper, isn't he?

He's a deep sleeper.

And I, yeah, I just take bits off.

You know, sometimes in a kebab shop, they'll use like a kind of motorized thing to take Donomit off the thing.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One of those.

And you've tried to work it into the song so that he won't notice.

Because you're eating him from the back, aren't you, Ford?

So

you'll, I'm attaching wheels to Hogsley.

I'm attaching wheels to Hogsley.

The wheels are going to make him better.

Start up proper Hogsley.

Oh, yeah.

And so he's becoming more and more mechanical, isn't he, from the back?

And again, the fact that you've introduced motorized knives into medieval England is a point of interest, you know, and

it seemed unethical at the time, but brought things forwards for society as a whole.

And of course, eventually, though, as you, as increasingly Hogsley becomes inorganic matter,

you actually there comes a point where you realize not only have you destroyed your best friend, he's more wagon than hog.

Thus is the tale of Sir Bonjomin.

Turned his hog into a wagon,

which would be sung by the bardic Sir Henry.

Yeah.

Well, told by.

This is the great bit, the end of that story.

Thus was the end of Sir Bonjomin.

But what happened to Sir Hogsley?

The curtains reveal.

it is I, Sir Hogsley, I have been telling you this tale.

I am a fully mechanized pig.

Slash wagon.

I am a fully sentient, mechanized.

He created the first sentient AI pig.

And I...

You thought jalapenos were going to shut you things up.

As soon as I became sentient, I, of course, I devoured him, starting with his nuts.

I started keeping a diary.

I started keeping a diary.

I devoured Bonjamin and I now tour the country, telling the tale before killing and eating my entire audience.

So

you can scream all you like.

I don't care.

I've got no emotions.

I'm a hog.

I'm sorry.

Basically,

I've got the violent intent of a hog and the morality of a wagon.

So you're all fucked.

So he also invented the after-dinner speaking circuit, didn't he?

He also invented the afternoon speaking circuit.

Extraordinary series of developments.

His contributions are still felt to this day.

And then, of course, Sir Michael.

Well, no, for me, Michael is a massively cockolded king, basically,

between Sir Henry and

Sir Hogalot.

What is he called?

Sanjo.

And Sir Ogsley.

And Sir Ogsley.

We're just constantly cockolding him all the time.

Just being constantly cockled.

So you're saying that Mike is a king whose wife is constantly having sex with a hog?

Semi-mechanised hog, Ben.

The cuckolded king

of Wessex.

I tell you what, he goes like a machine, that semi-mechanized hog.

I mean,

sometimes I look into his eyes and I think, why am I having it off with this

semi-mechanized hog?

And then I remember who I'm married to.

King Mike.

Absolute Gilbert.

Let's get to it again, so hogly.

this time I'll hold your rear.

I'll hold your rear cogs.

Your cog hogs.

If I hold your cogs.

Because you'll come harder.

Lewed content warning.

Lewis content.

Content.

Yeah, you'll you'll just hot mead

harder.

Oh look, Sir Henry a lot's just sitting in the corner watching drawing a cartoon of this onto his arm.

Fine, go for it.

Still better than what I've got at home.

That was one of the last technological advances I put in to Augsley before he devoured me, which would make him camp hot mead.

Which is sad because it means he can never reproduce, which is why, no matter how many wagons he goes around the country having sex with,

he'll never be able to reproduce.

Was that the idea?

Mike, how do you feel about being cast in this way?

It's disappointing, isn't it?

It is.

But I mean,

them's the brakes, isn't it?

I think, yeah, I think Sir King Mike's having a tough old time.

I think Sir King Mike is also the kind of guy who probably might get a bit into like, he's read a bit about like samurais and stuff and sort of dresses up as a samurai knight for the round table and then gets criticized for cultural appropriation is cancelled first person to be cancelled.

I also think he's one of those he's

one of those slightly dweeb kings who's like he's just obsessed with re-irrigating the southeast.

I think it's all about irrigation fuse.

Yeah, he might he might actually have some quite good ideas agriculturally, but it's not what anyone wants to listen to.

But while you're slaving over your irrigation maps, Mike, what about your wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She wants me to to go and kill some Dutchmen.

Are you paying attention to her?

So she's climbing out that window and she's like, I have married the impotent farmer king.

That's a bit harsh on Mike this, isn't it?

But I do think, I think, in terms of how I see the medieval landscape, I think the point I'm trying to make is that I'd rather be a knight than a king.

I think the knights are having the fun.

I think the king is a bit of a stuffy, bearded fellow.

Yeah.

who has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and stuff, whereas the knights can go around, invent mechanical sex.

It's got a constant threat of poisoning and assassination and all the rest of it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The knights can just sort of gather around Europe and

just get involved when they want.

Yeah.

But I think, I also think bird training is a big part of it, isn't it?

There'd be a lot of falconry.

Life is like a kestrel.

A lot of falconry and a lot of just finding metaphors in falconry.

Yeah.

And Sir Henry would probably have a beautiful Peregrine Falcon

atop his wrist half the time, you know, transmitting his poems and cartoons.

Whereas Bonjo would have a sort of kind of like a, I don't know, like a dysentery-riddled crow on his finger, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Whereas I'd have a glove puppet with a cartoon crow design that I'd done on it,

which I'm, which the ladies of the kingdom are absolutely mesmerized by.

Whereas you, Mike, your Peregrine Falcon, Mike.

I'd probably have a barn owl that actually was a gift from the Spanish king that turned out to be a spy and was just giving me really bad advice all the time.

Yeah.

and also you're peregrine falcon mike little do you know you send it off to send a message it's not sending that message it's shagging so hogsley as well

i just think being the king is the worst

i think it depends how conscientious you are so for example i think like being a henry the seventh is quite hard work you're quite worried about the kingdom you're trying to build up your money and you're trying to do all this kind of thing yeah of course well of course henry the seventh i mean of course he's he's worried about all the

isn't it the tongues worried about all the different.

I mean, yeah, Henry VIII.

I mean, yeah, he's having to deal with the friends.

I don't need to talk to you about Henry.

Henry, you know about your Henry's.

Yeah, he's having to know about the European alliances, isn't it?

Very different alliances.

Because if we're what we're talking about, mid, mid

medievals, quite, you know,

mid-medieval times.

So yeah,

probably

worried about alliance.

Twilight ages.

Mid-Twilight Ages.

Yeah, so Henry VIII.

Yeah, obviously, marriage is so vital, Ben.

marriage is so vital isn't it for him tactically keep talking the point i was getting on to basically is that then his son henry viih was essentially sir hogsley in king form he was so hogsley yeah that's true like he was coming hot meat everywhere like he didn't give a shit i think and he like spent all the money and just was you what you you get your kind of basically in history i think it pretty much alternates between your sort of evil kings and your boring kings yeah isn't it essentially and your evil kings like henry the eighth get remembered henry the seventh no idea but they're the ones that that

you know, it's always boring when you're at school in history and you study a boring king.

You always know it's bad when they say, and of course, this king was famous because of all the cultural work that he patronised.

Great.

He was a real patron of the arts.

Yes.

Yes, and Edwin IV actually invented fences.

And then you're right.

Oh, no, please give me an evil Edward.

I want Edward the bastard.

Yeah.

I want someone who burned down Chester

on a whim.

Passing to the left, I got your balls, I'm prancing to the right.

I got your balls, gonna feed my balls to Hogsley.

Gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now.

Passing to the left, I got your balls, I'm trancing to the right.

I got your balls, gonna feed my balls to Hogsley, gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now.

Ooh, Hogsley's eating up your balls.

How'd you like them, Hogsley?

I fight in the name of Michael, the cockhole king.

Oh,

I regret riding a pig into Basil.

Oh,

this is really painful.

Oh,

if I'm lucky, somebody will come and behead me.

Oh, thanks, pal.

Yep.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Thus was the end of Sir Bonjo Min.

But what, what happened to Sir Hogsley?

It is I, Sir Hogsley, I have been telling you this tale.

I am a fully mechanised pig.

And thus is the tale of Sir Bonjo Min

Time for your emails.

Let's play a version of our email jingle sent in by one of you.

This is from a horror folk band called the Witchcraft and Vagrancy Act.

Nice.

Based in Brighton.

That feels quite fitting for a feudalism episode.

It does.

I don't think I've ever delved into the world of horror folk before.

I think this is my first time.

No.

Dear Beams, whilst warming up at band practice this week, we recorded a dark gothic folk cover of the email jingle in our distinctive horror folk style.

Yes.

We would be honoured if you'd like to use use it in the pod or for any upcoming ritualistic sacrifices occurring in the Sean Bean Lounge.

Best wishes, George, from the Witchcraft and Vagrancy Act.

I imagine it's meaning things like blowing into pumpkins and stuff.

And a goblin chorus.

Goblin chorus.

Well, let's see.

Here we go.

home

when you send an email

This represents progress

like a robot

shaping

a hole

Give me your huge

My beautiful

Wow.

Can I say what I pictured during that was a trailer for

a beautiful, sepious shot, epic, luscious film, Sir Hogsley,

starring Michael Sheen.

It became very filmic.

Very filmic.

Oh.

And it was very the lament of Sir Hogsley.

A hogs journey.

A hog's journey.

I think I've got a new favourite genre.

Yeah, that was brilliant, wasn't it?

I love it.

It was really good.

Here's an email about people called Barbara.

This one's the email title is Young Babs.

So we talked about um are there any young Babses out there?

Uh Gerald writes, Hi Beans.

I have a young Babs in my history.

I don't know if she's the youngest Babs, but a Babs she is.

Back in circa 2004, I worked in Fennex wine shop in Newcastle, and a co-worker of mine was called Babs.

I was a sprightly 23-year-old.

She was a year younger, I believe.

She was gorgeous.

A spitting image of Kirsten Dunst.

And we dated for a while, but it was not to be.

Now she'd be around 41, I suppose.

But is that the youngest Babs from Geraldin Bremen?

Thanks, Gerald.

I mean, that's younger than the Babs I knew from yesteryear.

Yeah, by a few years.

It's not the youngest Babs we've got.

41 is a pretty sprightly little Babs.

Pretty sprightly young Babs, isn't it?

41.

I mean...

It beggars belief, doesn't it?

Really?

Yeah.

Also, I like the idea of this.

this beautiful Babs.

I like the idea of beautiful Babs.

And also,

I particularly like the idea of a beautiful Babs who looks like Cassand Dunce because if one was to date that Babs, one could imagine that one was Jesse Plemons.

That's true.

And also, may I say that the idea that in the early noughties, there was briefly in the northeast of England, a couple called Gerald and Babs.

Who are they?

So 70s deep cut.

So is that a real couple?

Well, the letter writer was Gerald.

And the author was Gerald.

Oh, Gerald and Babs.

And they dated.

So there was a Gerald and a Barbara.

Gerald and Babs were going about town.

A hot young couple.

30 years after people thought they'd seen the last of Gerald and Babs's.

You know?

It's like a rare sighting of a previously thought-of extinct animal.

Gerald and Babs is such a 70s BBC sitcom, isn't it?

Yeah.

I've got my beige tie stuck in the toaster again, Babs.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, but your boss is pulling up outside in his beige car.

How are we going to serve him this beige food if you're trapped in the beige toaster?

Next Barbara email.

Okay.

Rose writes, Dear Beans.

I think I may have encountered the youngest Barbara in the world.

It's big talk.

Yeah.

My best friend lives in Denmark and his two-year-old daughter goes to nursery with Barbara.

She seems like a real go-getter.

I could see her growing up to be the CEO of a multinational conglomerate.

All the best, Rose.

Babs Corp.

International Cheese Fondu conglomerate.

They will control the fondue from here to Vienna and back again

via Las Vegas.

We're assuming that this Barber

is a contemporary of the two-year-old, right?

Rather than like the Barber is the host of the nursery.

That's the way I'm going to be.

No, I think the sense is that this Barbara is not.

Or the 75-year-old janitoress, the janitress.

So maybe that is the first of a new generation, a new wave of barbaras.

Of Danish barbaras.

Of Danish barbaras who'll be hitting their...

Because a barber reaches full maturity.

You're at Pete Barbara when when you're what 74

so yeah

so in what 50 in 70 well in 72 years time there'll be a whole generation of in 2094 yeah everyone will have an aunt a great aunt or whatever called barbara as was the case as we when we were growing up right yeah and the world will be right again yeah uh lauren has emailed

beans i had to pause the new episode after the barbara chat in my excitement to tell you that the name barbara does indeed have shared origins with barbarian oh i mean The Greeks called foreigners barbarians because they heard languages other than Greek as an unintelligible bar-bar bar noise.

No way.

Barbara essentially means foreign or impossible to understand woman, and the masculine barbaross meant the same for a man.

Wow.

So they just called people Barbara.

Any woman they couldn't understand was called Barbara.

Well, Lauren writes, as the daughter of a Barbara, I have no comment.

The popularity of Barbara as a name after the classical period was because of Saint Barbara.

A pagan woman who was martyred for her.

Well, she was put to death by cheese fondie, wasn't she?

She was forked by 5,000 cheese forks and then dunked in a big cheese fondie vat, wasn't she?

Because she invented the crouton, didn't she?

Which they thought the crouton was a heretical act.

That's right.

She was martyred.

She is the patron saint of those fearing violent deaths at work, gunpowder, artillery, mining, and all things to do explosions.

Quite a heavy duty saint.

I have many barbaras in my family at my mum's side because it's a kind of Irish family where everyone has one of five or six acceptable names per gender, and you'd better believe they're all martyrs.

My mum, Barbara, brackets 59, has a cousin, Barbara, six months older than her, who she last saw in the 80s.

She came over from Ireland to visit my mum and was on the make the entire time.

As she left, she stole my mum's coat.

Bloody hell.

That is barbarian behaviour, isn't it?

The Greeks were right.

She later became a nun.

God, it's one extreme to the other with this, with this Barbara.

She later became a nun, but had to leave because of pregnancy, drinking, smoking, gambling, and general unnun-like behaviour.

That's my kind of Barbara.

Next emails from Colin.

Listening to your episodes, I enjoyed hearing the many strange and novel locations people listen to the podcast.

I was in the shower when, after one such revelation, Mike said it would be great if someone had listened to Three Bean Salad in the Galapagos.

The soap dropped from my hands.

My partner and my girlfriend Natalie and I had just booked a trip to the Galapagos.

Ooh.

But the trip wasn't for six months.

I sweated that someone else would beat me to it, but I don't think they did.

And now we're back.

Please find a delightful photo of me playing the farming episode to two giant tortoises.

Yes.

Now, I'm going to send you the photo.

That's made my day.

Right, I've sent you both the picture.

Oh, good heavens.

Colin didn't mention what the giant tortoises were up to.

Good gracious.

So, in this image, in the background, we can see our correspondent holding up his phone, and we can see that it's playing the Three Bean Salad episode, farming.

In the foreground.

Well,

it's a dance as old as time, isn't it?

Yeah.

What Colin hasn't made clear is whether or not this act, this dance, began

after the podcast was initiated.

I mean, yeah, just for any listeners who aren't keeping up, they're banging.

Yeah.

Have we aroused giant tortoises?

Well, he writes, as you can see from the photograph, they found the combination of Mike's deep bass, Bonjumin's soothing mid-tones, and Henry's shrill squeaks so sensual that they could not resist rutting.

Yeah, well.

I hope you get stuck on the Galapagos forever and you have to have it off with tortoises and you create a really absolutely heinous race of semi-human, semi-tortoise folk who eventually turn against you and trample you both to death.

That's an overreaction.

That's an overreaction.

But you've said it now.

I've said it.

I've said it now.

Well, unfortunately, Henry, they can't be trapped on the Galapagos because he continues to say, a week later, Natalie and I were at Machu Picchu.

Natalie insisted I seize the moment and play Three Bean Salad there too.

Wow.

When we got there, perhaps due to Natalie's dedication to the beams, or perhaps playing a bit of Three Bean Salad had cast its amorous spell on me, I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me.

Good heavens.

Wow.

Wowie.

Congratulations.

Well, we don't know what the response was.

Oh, right.

She said, sorry, I'm in love with two tortoises.

You might remember them.

It's a very modern relationship.

It's completely open, but as long as it's tortoises, so I could

salamanders.

So ironically, I could sleep with your creepy uncle Clive.

Not you, I'm afraid.

Yeah.

Maybe you shouldn't have made that joke about Henry looking forwards.

Looking forwards.

Well, I was looking back because at the time that hadn't happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is very exciting.

This is brilliant.

No, that's very, very good news.

Congratulations.

I'm assuming it was a a yes and all's gone well.

He did say it was a yes.

Yeah.

So thank you for email, Colin.

Congratulations to you and Natalie.

Yeah, congratulations.

Wonderful.

And I know you propose on Machu Pitchup, but I hope you're not having an Inca-style wedding whereby you'd both have to behead three or four of your cousins

and boot their heads down a big staircase

because that would be, yeah.

Yeah, just stick to a chocolate fountain, I think.

Yeah,

and just a solid local DJ till 2 a.m.

normally.

Okay, this is the moment we'd normally play the Patreon jingle.

We've had one sent in by Elizabeth from Louisiana.

Oh, baby.

Oh,

lovely.

So, this is her version.

Let's listen.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com forward slash three

bean

salad

sultry lovely sultry vibes

really nice

I felt like a sweating PI

in a hot Alabama basement bayou.

Even though she's from Louisiana.

Surrounded by very, very angry crocs.

Patreon.

If you'd like more Three Bean Salad, why not join our Patreon?

Go to patreon.com forward slash threebean salad.

There are three tiers to choose from.

You get ad-free episodes, bonus episodes, and if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike spent the evening last night.

You better believe I did.

And you were joined by old Leonardo DiCaprio down there, weren't you?

Because it was

Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls Nights.

It was indeed.

Thank you, Benjamin.

And here's my report.

Sean Bean and Leonardo DiCamprio were enjoying their annual house swap holiday this week, and Leo, as I call him, kindly spent an evening away from Sean Bean's Yorkshire-based Lord of the Rings-themed mega bungalow to appear at the Sean Bean Lounge as Celebrity Judge in this year's Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls Night.

Alexis from Mexico City attempted to impress with a charcoal rendering of Edith P.F., but, according to the rules, was unable to source non-lounge-based visual references and presented a drawing of Fiona McFarlane's upper face, Victoria Mackney's secret tattoo, Nathaniel Mack's A Political Nipple, B.

Bentle's back in Smart Casual, and Kevin Hewitt naked from the waist down.

Crystal Zernick dressed Jack Robinson in Michelle Cann's spare armor, tied him to David Woollard, whom Lizzie had dressed as a wooden stake, before Heidi Contagious set fire to the lot and Susie Brooks attempted a live caricature of Joan of Arc.

Bridget Gillen felt the inherently erotic undertones of the event were being disregarded, but over-corrected with an extremely lewd, pointless drawing of Andrew Macklin dressed as an 18th-century French parliament.

James Swarbrook pulled the cord on the obscenity steam whistle, prompting James Welsh to begin shouting morally enlightening fables through a megaphone.

Niall Hickson requested the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, but was vetoed by Stuart MacDonald, who thought the subtext was about the poor uptake of pensions by freelancers, which he found triggering.

Paul Walton requested the lion and the mouse, but was formally censured by Daniel Hunt, who pointed out that stories extolling the virtues of mercy had been banned in the lounge since Laura Macmillan failed to punish Rickery for vandalising William Powell's flame-retardant barbecue shorts, which led to the Great Trouser Riots of 2003, the subsequent false imprisonment of the Knickerbocker 4, aka Jane Woat, Peter Watkins, Joseph Knowles and Chris Moss, and of course Henry Mulkerin's ill-conceived memoir written from the point of view of his jeggings.

Jenny Lang suggested the throng be told the entire plot of The Last of the Mohicans, including dialogue.

This was seconded by Django Robinson Slade, and thirded by Sean Bean himself, who had been streaming the event live from the comfort of Leonardo DiCaprio's Beverly Hills Critis 3-themed funicular chalet.

That being done, the art resumed, with Ed drawing a self-portrait only a mother could love.

Kitty Bedford approached Leo D for his verdict, only to find he'd at some point switched his physical body out for a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself that had been made to promote the film gangs of New York.

At the time of writing, Charlie Steele and Scott Broadhurst were competing to take the cardboard cutout home by seeing who could put the most marshmallows in their mouth and still articulate the phrase, I'm a chubby bunny.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

This is from Ted.

Thank you, Ted.

He says, Your theme tune has always somehow reminded me of the Channel 4 News theme music.

He says, To that end, I've composed the 3B Insider theme as a news event, mashing it with the epic tones of the Channel 4 motif.

I hope this will capture the level of gravitas that is worthy of your weekly utterances.

Yours sincerely, Ted.

So, thanks for listening, everyone.

We'll play that out now.

Until next time.

Goodbye.

Cheerio.

Goodbye.