Gameshows

We haven't done any pre-small talk today, have we?

But maybe that's maybe that's for the best.

Well, I haven't.

You have.

We've been talking teenage music.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I've been putting Ben's finger back on the pulse for him.

Yeah, really.

Who's it all about now?

Survivor?

That one?

You're still just catching up with that?

I have the tiger.

I have the tiger.

Yeah.

Yeah, apparently kids these days are in survivor, Toto, Aerosmith.

Right, yeah.

Toto have got a.

I don't know.

I'm getting confused.

Who is it?

The song called Pamela?

Was that Toto?

Yeah, Toto.

Toto.

Yeah.

And Rosanna.

Rosanna.

Rosanna.

It's good those sort of old.

You don't get songs for fooling with those names anymore, do you?

70s names.

Rosanna, Pamela.

your Barbaras.

Barbara's very rare, isn't it?

Lyrically, these days.

Yeah.

Andy Dimagin amongst baby names.

I can't imagine a baby called Barbara.

That's true.

A contemporary of mine at school is called Barbara.

Babs.

I think that's the last fresh Babs I met.

She may have been the last Babs of.

Yeah, she may have been the last of the last Babs.

She might have been the last Babs.

There's an Auntie Babs in my family, but she's the same.

We're not an Auntie Babs.

Of course, there's an Auntie Babs in my family.

Yeah, there's an Auntie Babs in it.

Yeah, there's an Auntie Babs in everyone's family, isn't it?

That's de rigueur.

Maybe we should go on some kind of quest to find the youngest babs we can.

The world's youngest babs.

Yeah.

Well, let us know.

I mean, listen, this is one for the listeners.

If you think you're the youngest Babs listening, or if you have access to the world's youngest Babs, we'd be interested to know.

And how is that youngest Bab being protected?

Is the youngest Babs being kept away from the glare of the media?

Is it like the last, is it the last white rhinos?

There's two of them left, and there's like a boat with a machine gun sitting next to them.

Choosing which one to knock off.

No, no.

They're being protected, aren't they?

I saw a photo the other day with the, I think it's the last two northern or southern white rhinos.

Oh, no.

And they're sat there, and there's just a bloke with a Kalashnikov sitting next to them.

Do we know if it's a possible a mating pair?

Or are they both lads or something?

I think one of them is made...

There's definitely some kind of lab business, isn't there, where

they put sperm from one kind of rhino into another that's similar, but not the same i think okay this is rhinoplasty isn't it we're talking about

yeah

and then you sculpt you grow it off a starlet's nose that's right and then it bugs that's right you release it into the wild yeah so there's a bloke whose job it is just to stop people killing them and he's got got machine but actually people think that one of the ways to save them may be to actually to properly unite unite them unify them with with the the rhinoplasty industry, don't they?

Because

rhinos do, that's why the words are similar, isn't it?

Because they do generate.

perfect noses, perfect noses.

So, if you could grow, say, 10 to 15 noses on

one rhino horn, do you know what I mean?

So, almost almost like sort of grapes,

and then sort of harvest them, and then send them off to Courtney Cox, whoever it is, and then squish them into a sort of nose wine, yeah.

Well, that's one of the options, yeah.

Or sell them to Courtney Cox, yeah, that's the other option.

Courtney Cox are now wall of noses,

yeah, and you press which of them, yeah, different noises.

Which of them makes the noise?

Collect

the sequence of notes, which will save your life.

Yeah.

That's the game you play when you go around to dinner with her.

Or she'll make you a gin and tonic.

Or she'll make you a gin and tonic.

It's one or the other, isn't it?

With Courtney Cochrane.

You've got to do something after friends, haven't you?

You've got a lot of money in the bank.

A lot of spare time.

You've got a lot of spare time.

A lot of spare noses.

A lot of spare noses.

What are you going to do with them?

You invite people around to a sort of terrifying dinner party of death situation, don't you?

Where you set them a series of challenges.

That's why we haven't heard that much from a lot of the friends cast

because they fell foul of her first go.

A lot of them were there for the pilot.

They describe it as it's

the exact mixture of the experience of being lost in a hall of mirrors

and trapped in a giant nose

full of millions upon millions of miniature noses.

So it's really

heady, isn't it?

So

I'm starting to picture this.

Is going to Courtney Cox's house for a dinner party a bit like doing it to knock out?

But nose-themed.

It's a delightfully naive way of looking at it, but yeah.

Okay, believe that if you want.

That might help.

I think sometimes I think newcomers often think that they've just walked into a very well-soundproofed room.

That's right.

They think, oh, maybe Courtney Cox is getting into podcasting.

That's what I think.

Yeah, this sort of weirdly contoured

series of walls

and then their eyes adjust to the gloom because it's very hard to light when you've got a ceiling covered with noses as well.

That's right.

But it's actually noses they're dealing with of all kinds.

And she has collected those over the years from Conquests.

Well, we assume so, don't we?

That's one of the.

I think it's Conquests and Interns, largely.

That's right, yeah.

Some are sent in by fans.

Yeah, they'll do that.

I mean, we get sent noses, don't we?

We've got a bag full of them, haven't we?

I still keep needing to go through them.

So apologies to those who have sent in noses that we haven't gone through them.

We haven't sorted them yet.

It's one of those jobs you put off, isn't it?

Mike, have you put them in the fridge?

Because last time you said you'd left them in a black bag.

You left them in a cool, dry place.

Are they supposed to be refrigerated?

I think so.

Because they're in the larder.

Okay, fine.

They're supposed to be refrigerated, but at body temperature.

That's the only safe way to do it, isn't it?

I like the idea.

So it's interesting, this idea that there's a Barbara, a Barbara out there, the youngest Barbara

is someone that we need to

identify and then protect.

Definitely.

But I think youngest Babs, so you could be a Barbara or you could be a Barabbas.

Okay.

Anything that's shortenable to Babs.

Yeah.

Because I see a sort of of situation where it's a sort of dystopian future.

People are,

and maybe it's a novel called like the B-A-B-Z

complex or whatever.

Okay.

The B-A-B-Z complex.

Then people realize it's Babs.

And then there's a point in the story where there is no Babs is a person.

The Babs E complex is a person.

Yes.

It's Barbara Dixon.

It's Barbara Dixon.

We probably needn't have worried quite so much about it.

It literally just literally just Barbara dixon that's good because thrillers are hard to end aren't they typically they tend to fall apart in the end so i've not seen that we needn't have bothered ending we need to bothered but i mean

and we can we can easily neutralize her ben can't we anyway well using elaine page or michael ball

to launch a nuclear device at her home

yeah if they're so youngest babs we want to find you we want to protect you we want to cosm you

and give you a platform yeah you know unless that endangers you, of course, yeah.

I think Barbara's a really nice name, but I just can't.

It's got a nice music to it, hasn't it music to it, hasn't it?

Barbara, because it's one of Barbara, it's like banana, it's like the fruit,

the fruit banana, is it one of those words that you say banana

says, yeah, exactly, yeah, banana.

It's one of those words which has a repetitive, it just you never it can go on and on, can't it?

Barbara, baba, baba,

baba,

I love you, Baba, baba,

the song writes itself, doesn't it?

I also like you.

Baba, baba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Baba ba.

I'm indifferent to you.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bara.

I loathe you.

All the emotions.

All the emotions.

I've got all the emotions for you.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

That kind of thing.

Because Barbaras encompass everything, don't they?

Names and stuff tend to go off the back of people like famous people will make a name happen, right?

So after this year's Euros tournament, there'll be lots of little

dudes

born.

So I guess in the the 50s, then there would have been a Princess Barbara, was there in the roles?

I might have missed that.

There must have been

an

originator of Barbara.

Yeah, also, but how old a name is Barbara?

There's no Barbara in the Bible, is there?

Ooh, that's interesting.

Are we talking about a tiny window of Barbara?

I haven't come across many medieval Barbaras either.

Barbara of Anjou.

It's crucial that I either marry her or kill her within the month.

Otherwise, the future of the Seven Kingdoms is at stake.

Barbara, when I came into this room, I was absolutely dead set on killing you.

But you know what?

With this cheese fondue that you've served me,

Barbara, Barbara,

Barbara.

I now love you.

But some of the cheese is congealed, so now I actually just like you.

Barbara, Barbara, Baba, Barbara, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Barbara.

It's a very fatty meal.

I'm indifferent to you.

I'm having severe stomach cramps because I haven't drunk white wine, which you literally have to drink with cheese fondue in order to not have it congealed in your esophagus.

And it's actually, I think it's killed me.

You've defeated me.

Yours are the seven kingdoms.

May you live long and flourish.

You know what?

It's actually been a privilege getting killed by you

through the medium of fondue.

So there's been a lot of emotions.

Also, visiting Anjou has been lovely.

It's been really nice.

Because it's actually my first time in Anjou.

I made a little joke earlier that I'm a bit of an Anjou Janu on

Anjou Junu because it's my first time.

Barbara's eyes start rolling.

She's said that a thousand times.

Everyone thinks they've made that joke for the first time.

On Janu January when they come to Anjou for the first time.

They do.

She's so bored of it.

And she's now stabbing me.

Well, she's trying to stab me in

my lower thorax using the

fondu forks, but she's got no idea.

I've got no feeling down there anymore because the

congealing effects of the the fondu have,

it's killed me from the feet up and it's just going.

In fact, my chin's dead.

Yeah, I can feel it going.

Yeah, my lower draw's gone.

I'm like, bye, Barbara.

I'm dying.

So maybe that's why Barbara's

flourished.

But because I do think that I do associate Barbara's with fondus, by the way.

I was going to say that before that fondu thing, which would have made slightly more sense of it.

Right.

Is this sort of

a sort of well-to-do sort of Swiss type, or is this

someone in the home counties who's top-draw entertainer?

Yes, it's the latter.

I mean, as in entertaining at Barbara's, you know, Shea Barbara.

You go to Shea Babs and she's got the latest fondue set.

Is this because of the Good Life?

Is there a Barbara in the Good Life?

Yeah.

So is it Tom and Barbara are the couple?

Oh, probably.

I think.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that the earliest documented Barbara?

It might be.

Because what we don't know, I mean,

it may be

that Barbara is a sort of de novo 20th century creation.

Or were there hordes of Barbaras, actually, and they're just unsung?

One entire army of them that sacked Rome.

Of course, the sacking of Rome by the Barbaras.

Yeah.

It's just history hasn't been written by Barbaras.

And the busy Barbaras.

Yeah.

The streets of Rome, it was foretold they would run with hot fondu, and they did.

Yeah.

They sacked the shit out of it.

The barbarians.

The barbarians.

The barbarians.

The barbararians.

So does barbara and barbarian come from the same?

Maybe that's why,

you know, modern barbara spend so much of their energy in putting on fabulous dinner parties and making juice fondus, is to slightly cover up the fact that they're a bit embarrassed about their

barbarian past.

I love you.

Barbara Rabba Ba-Bamba Rabba-ba-bar-baraba-baba.

I love you.

Barbara Rabba-ba-bam-baraba

rabba papa.

I love you.

Baba rapa papa bamba rabba baba rabba papa.

I love you.

Baba rapa papa bamba rabba baba ramba papa.

I also like you.

Baba rapa papa pampa rabba baba ramba papa.

I loathe you.

All the emotions, all the emotions I got, all the emotions that you bubba baba rapper.

All the emotions, all the emotions I got, all the emotions that you bubble.

Baba rubber baba rubber baba baba rabba baba.

I love you.

Baba rabba ba baba raba baba.

I loathe you.

Baba, baba ba

All right, you've defeated me.

Yours are the seven kingdoms.

Okay, let's work out what we're going to talk about this week by

approaching the bean machine.

This week's topic, as sent in by Alison from, I think it's Penniston.

Where's that?

Is it a

sounds like the kind of place that Barbara would be from?

I think it's maybe Lake District, is it?

No, it's near Barnsley.

Okay.

South Yorkshire, but it's it's it's spelt penis stone.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah,

but I think it's Penniston.

Okay.

So, Alison sent in game shows.

Come on down.

It's quite Barbara, isn't it?

It's very Barbara.

She's won a hatchback.

Well done, Barbara.

You've won a South Both Gloves, a hatchback, and a trip to Torumilenos.

The prizes on those old fashioned game shows were so much better

or more exciting than they are now.

I'm not even sure.

It's not our time of life where you could really do with a brand new washer dryer.

That'd be exactly ideal.

Yes, please.

But I think these days it's just hard cash every time, isn't it?

Is it really?

People don't really win stuff anymore, I don't think.

There's no jet skis.

No dishwashers.

I don't think it's.

It was all about the white goods and the...

It was all about white goods and big, big sort of leisure items, wasn't it?

I know.

But Mike, think about that jet ski.

When you're like, yes, I've won the jet ski.

Yes, this is going to change my life.

Yes.

So I've got to just drive it back to Derby.

Any help with getting it back to Derby?

No.

Come with a trainer.

No, you've won the jet ski.

Congratulations.

Goodbye.

Is there a map of the canal system of Britain?

Because that might be helpful.

Security, if you can eject Bob and Barbara, the Bobbara team, Bob and Barbara, eject them from the building.

Thank you.

You have to take the jet ski.

Otherwise, you're littering.

You're essentially fly-tipping a jet ski.

It's illegal.

Yeah, and it's also a fire hazard.

It's incredibly dangerous.

It's full of petrol.

Have you insured it?

No, because if you haven't insured it, it's a crime.

So you're actually currently breaking the law.

Yes, £12,000 a year.

Yeah.

That's minimum.

Yeah.

Bye.

Why don't you sell these golf clubs and this washer dryer that you've been given that's also on the street?

Yeah, it's a 50% markdown as soon as it's been won on a game show.

It's 50%.

As soon as it comes off the presentation plinth,

it loses 50% of value, just so you know that.

So that's already, and then you can only sell it probably through loot,

which is still going at the moment.

You have to sell it through loot.

So again, there's another 50% markoff.

So

good luck, Padre.

It's a lot of work.

A lot of work for Barbara.

Yeah.

The thing I always thought was when they won holidays,

that was quite often the big prize, wasn't it?

It was like two weeks in Miami and all expenses paid cruise.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But I always thought there's no incentive for the the show to make this a good holiday.

Because once you're on the holiday,

good point, margins.

It's been on telly, right?

You never hear back from them, do you?

Generally, I think surprise, surprise,

you'd hear what was happening.

Well, blind date, they'd come back, wouldn't they?

Because they don't.

That's what I mean.

The blind date, yeah.

But that, of course, makes sense because if there's a will, they won't they issue going on there.

But otherwise.

So, Ben,

what you're suggesting, Ben is the first day of the cruise, Barbara and Bob are sitting in their little suite with a

view of the engine room.

They've got an internal view

of

the miracle of ship engineering.

Yeah, and then a man comes in with a shovel, gives it to Bob and says, get stoke in.

I thought you were going to say it was execution style, dig a hole, because I'm burying you and Barbara in it.

So start digging.

And you don't have to do that and see.

We could just push you in, but we're going to make you dig a grave.

So dig.

Dig your own grave.

What's that?

You think I look like Russ Abbott?

I'm not Russ Abbott.

I might be.

It doesn't matter.

You're going to die anyway.

Yes, I am Russ Abbott.

I do this on the side.

Now start digging.

Oh, yeah, you're going to get through to the room underneath.

I know.

That's another couple who are also about to kill.

It doesn't matter.

Dig through to their chambers, yeah.

And then you can all dig through together.

Yeah.

But do you know what I mean?

Like, there's no incentive for it to be a nice holiday.

But also, it's before it's before a review culture.

So Barbara and Bob.

They disappear.

They have their moment of fame and they disappear into a gold.

There's no

Instagram account.

There's nothing.

to follow up.

No major sponsorship deals coming on.

They're not doing a cameo and a nightclub in Ibiza.

None of that's happening.

They probably won't even make the Derby Inquirer, will they?

You know what I mean?

In terms of news, it'll just be gone.

Yeah.

So they're very, very easy to kill.

And actually, it just comes to pure mass at the end, doesn't it?

Do we give Bob and Barbara a two-week luxury holiday in Miami?

That's going to cost 1984, what, about £75?

Which is a huge expense.

It's the equivalent of a quarter of a billion pounds today.

So, you probably think, or we employ Russ Abbott to kill them.

Get the jet ski back, give it to the next couple.

Why has the jet ski got a bloodstain?

That's not blood.

That's not blood, it's punch.

Russ, please don't batter people to death with the jet ski because we're trying to reuse the jet ski.

Yes, that is a human tooth embedded into the

into

rear saddle.

Into the rear saddle.

But that's because they're having so much fun, they laughed it off.

Bob laughed several of his teeth off during that holiday.

Obviously, Russ Abbott's the perfect man to use because he's tall, he's strong, he's completely amoral, which is better than immoral in this situation.

And he can take a head off with a shovel like that.

It's just, it's the thing is, this is what happens if you expose...

you know, pure market economics,

it's just, this is what happens if things aren't regulated, isn't it?

That's why game shows start getting regulated, didn't they?

Yeah, it creates perverse incentives.

And then this creates a perverse incentive to murder the guests once they've won.

The one that changed everything, of course.

Okay.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Yeah.

Because that was event TV.

It really was, wasn't it?

And I think it was the sheer bravery and the ambition, the scope, and have the sheer balls to say, we're going to put Chris Tarrant on a stool

wasn't it it wasn't about the one million quid no it was Chris Tarrant on a stool I mean

they do look quite precarious on those scores on those stools they really do it's a needlessly high stool it's a needlessly high but that creates that sense of tension um

yeah he's very good isn't he's very very good he's been replaced oh he's very very good though But he was very, very good, wasn't he, Chris Tarrant?

Oh.

Goo.

Was he was his thing?

Goo.

Which one who was the answer

it was super intense and very earnest but Chris Tarrant could occasionally just be a little bit cheeky yeah yes and lighten the mood but you really feel like you're there with him don't you you feel when you're watching it you feel like he's sitting on the sofa next to you and he's got his hand on your leg

doesn't it

um At my university, they had a Who Wants a Billionaire quiz machine, which we used to play a lot.

Yes, I used to have that one.

Yeah, they were sort of ubiquitous for a bit, weren't they?

What was really good was when you had the answer, you had to press Chris Terrance's face and you could freeze his face.

Nice.

To see it in the whole range of

facial expressions he has, the whole spectrum from smug to

really smug.

He's been replaced by Clarkson.

He's very good, though, isn't he?

He is very, very good.

Yeah, similar type, isn't it?

Yeah.

Middle-aged, right-wing.

um owns a massive has a has a huge garden

they've got that vibe vibe to them well tarrant was big in you know when tv money was insane right if you if yeah i think if you were sort of game show host in the 90s you would make an absolute bank

because noel edmonds has got a seemingly an insane amount of money isn't he yeah he's just got

helicopters falling out of every orifice as well yeah yeah well he's got his own space program hasn't he

Okay, if you're on Millionaire, genuine question, who would be your phoner friend?

I've thought about this long and hard.

Really?

I think I pick either my friend Gareth or my friend Tom, both good people, good quiz people, but

I think

I almost, as a rule, wouldn't listen to that person.

Really?

You'd go bonjour on them?

Because

you have to live and die by your own sword.

Oh, interesting.

It's an interesting take on it.

Oh, in life in general?

But can that friend not be your

swordsmith?

Imagine if you use their answer and then it went quite.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It's going to ruin your relationship with Gareth Quinn.

Yeah.

I see.

Or at least jeopardise it.

Yeah.

I don't know, but I think if you're in that situation, you're in that situation.

Also, I think

you'd want to know from them if they're confident.

So for me, it's very easy because a friend of mine who you've met

from you.

No, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Is a quizzing super champ in his spare time.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

Who's that?

A friend of yours.

Matt, who you met at one of the live gigs.

He's a quiz maestro.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he would also,

I think he would say if he didn't know, if he wasn't sure.

He's got that brain, which is really good at retaining facts, but that isn't what intelligence is.

Thank you.

We're not about that, but it's just very cute as well.

He's also very intelligent.

It's not much clever.

It's just basically your brain is a huge vat that you pour stuff in and it stays in the vat.

You think that's what intelligence is.

It's a lot of fun.

You're running chest against a vat.

Genuinely just so clear broke.

But it's just pouring facts into a thing is not what intelligence is.

But well done to him, but it isn't that isn't

intelligence is not that, is it?

But he's got that as well.

And

big receptacle, big bucket, big not big bucket, isn't it?

That's what basically being onto retain facts is just being a huge bucket.

Did you know, or you won't know this, my other podcast,

Beef and Dairy Network, has been at the center of a cheating scandal in real life of international quizzing because there's an online international quiz league, which is like the top level, apparently.

Yeah.

And basically somebody was caught out using an AI to answer the questions for them

because of a question where they gave the answer beef and dairy network

instead of the right answer, which was about a different British podcast.

And it was such an odd answer to give.

Oh, wow.

The people went, what's he do?

Like, how would he come to that?

And basically what was happening is he had a little speaker.

It was playing into a phone or a computer that was then listening to every question and then AI answering it quickly.

And they worked out that this question was like, which British podcast?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

If you put that into Google, Beef and Dairy Network came up for some reason.

Wow.

So the question was about a different podcast, but he gave the answer Beef and Dairy Network.

And everyone went wrong.

No human would think

quite a weird thing to think of.

It's a very, very obscure podcast that no one's ever heard of.

And so they went, why did he say that?

I didn't think, but I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself.

I think it's very obscure.

I think knock a very off.

Come on, don't put yourself down.

Just be proud.

Say it's a very obscure podcast.

Do you know what I mean?

You worked hard to knock off that first very, didn't you?

Yeah.

Second very.

Exactly.

We can't all be motherfuckers.

Below the belt.

Yeah, so they kind of went,

oh, why did he say that?

That's so weird.

And then that triggered them doing an investigation.

And he's been brought down.

He's the Lance Armstrong of International Quizzing.

Wow.

And I killed him.

So does that mean he was married to the Cheryl Crowe of International Quizzing?

Where's Lauren Marshall?

And is she now single?

Married to Cheryl Crowe.

Was he?

That's what I'm asking you.

Don't ask me.

This is why no one is calling you, Henry.

Or millionaire.

No one's doing it.

By the way, saying that Lance was married to Cheryl Crowe might be the kind of weird thing that only an AI would say, because why would anyone think that Lance Armstrong was married to Cheryl Crowe?

I'm just going to Google it.

Lance Armstrong married.

Can they choose different friends for different categories?

No, that's the thing.

There's this one friend on standby.

Oh, really?

He will need someone like your friend, Matt, would be perfect because he's got a broader generalist.

Yeah.

But they were actually, they were engaged, but never married.

So, what was the quiz show?

It wasn't a show.

It's like international quiz league.

It's like a sort of proper, you know, the real nerd apex of kind of quizzing.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Stop asking questions, then asking the question again.

You've got to ask a question, I'll give you the answer, then you turn that into a question.

Sorry, so again, yeah, I haven't, I haven't, by the way, I've never had the call because there's two big calls one gets in life, isn't it?

Jury Duty, which I have had.

MI6.

MI6 is the other one.

So Cheryl Crowe asking if you're single.

But one of the top five questions you get asked, isn't it, is will you be my call a friend?

Just in general, I mean, just will you be a friend?

Do you want to be a friend that I can call

I'm still waiting for that.

No, the

yeah, will you leave me on call a friend on

Millionaire?

But the question that always goes with that is, how does it actually work?

Because they call them and they answer it as if they're just like, what's going on there?

Presumably, they're in a military installation surrounded by security staff.

They've got a scientist with a lethal injection hovering over their face.

Because.

Well, so they can't Google it.

Yeah, so they can't Google it, mate.

Because they call up and they go, hi, and they go, how are you?

Is it that they're in a safe...

Are they in a...

It started pre-Google, though, didn't it?

It did start pre-Google.

But still, you could have had a professor.

They could have had a professor next to them.

But I do think now that person must be...

Are they in the studio?

Also, they're always in.

I actually know the answer to this because I listened to a podcast called The Rest is Entertainment with Richard Osman and Marina Hyde.

Or are they sequestered?

Yeah, what is the answer?

And Richard Osman was someone's ask a friend.

And you're at home.

Yeah, okay.

There's a TV producer outside in a car outside your house.

Armed?

Armed.

And is it one of those situations where they've got all those lasers that you get in museums where if you move...

Coming in through the windows.

Yeah.

Tom Cruise in Mr.

Impossible.

Yeah, where if you move bits of your face, we'll just

perfectly just smooth and slice and foot and just thrump to the floor.

Like a sort of laser cheese wire.

Like a laser cheese wire.

Is it a laser cheese wire situation?

So if you hiccup, for example, you lose an ear.

So

you have to sign various disclaimers also while signing the disclaimer, you will use your arm.

They're great, those lasers, because luckily they don't burn the carpet or destroy the furniture, but they will slice you up.

They'll slice and dice you.

So there's a producer in a car outside.

Engine running?

Well, I think the thing is, because the recording, you don't know when they're going to be recording the show.

It's just at some point that afternoon they're just outside your house until it happens right then they come and knock the door and say you know it's gonna happen and then they sit next to you i think and make sure you're not googling it it's true that the the pressure is heinous isn't it if they're if if they're close to the million or whatever

yeah the pressure is also they've got a new on the new one they've got a new feature yeah so you know how it used to be 50 50 phone a friend ask the audience ask the audience is useless yeah is it is it in the early stages you can do it So if you don't know the question, it's like the 1,000 or 5,000 or whatever.

Yeah.

But if you get higher up, there's no way answering the audience.

If it's a really obscure question, then people are just guessing.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a new one.

Ask Clarkson.

Really?

Yeah.

Call Clarkson.

So you can ask Clarkson what he thinks.

You can ask Clarkson.

That's bizarre.

It is bizarre.

That's weird.

Ask a right-leaning, middle-aged man with a huge garden.

But he works for the show, right?

So you'd think.

oh yeah it's in his interest to give the wrong answer because he'll presumably they split the million gets split between him and the and the production staff doesn't it

if it isn't one so he gets paid it's got to get somewhere yeah

oh that that was a game show wasn't it with paul ross's no win no fee do you remember that no it was amazing so he's like if you win the 10 000 pound prize I get no fee for presenting this TV show.

You win my fee.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

It was quite short-lived.

I'm not surprised.

He must have been furious.

So would he get suddenly more and more angry as he progressed through the rounds?

I can't remember what the thinking behind that is, really, because it doesn't really matter.

No win, no fee.

Yeah.

Let me look it up.

So it was called No Win, No Fee.

It was originally called, it was based on a previous show called Win Beadle's Money.

Okay.

We haven't talked about Beadle.

He's a Titanic figure in this world.

Yeah, which was, again, you'd win Beadle's actual money.

Beadle's About wasn't a game show.

No.

But it did

create one of the greatest movements in TV history of all time, which is the Alien scam.

Have you seen that?

No, I don't.

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

You've not seen the Alien scam?

No.

I didn't remember that.

So for non-UK listeners, Beadle is kind of an original, sadly, famous prankster, basically.

Yeah, he was like the original prankster, wasn't he?

Yeah.

If I'm not counting Loki and Odin

and like mythic mythic scoundrels, but he was the nymphs, but he was the original 80s prankster.

So it was Beadle's about.

So

it'd be things like you'd go home, there'd be like thousands and thousands of toads like

in your bedroom.

And you'd start hitting them with hammers.

And before you kill too many, he'd jump in and go, hey, stop.

And he'd be dressed as a toad.

He'd be like, I'm Beadle.

And then you'd come up Beetle with a hammer and then

his security retinue would then

just pulverize you.

And his rule was no weapons, kill them, but with no weapons.

Get pulverized to death.

But he'd just do really annoying things to people.

He became a kind of love-hate figure, didn't he?

Because something really annoying would happen to you and then it'd be revealed that it was Beadley.

Your car would be clamped or something.

You can't be towed and then accidentally fall in the canal or something like that.

Yeah.

And be like, Beadle.

And was Beadle.

I think I'm a tiny bit young for like for like proper Beadle.

So I was aware of Beadle, but I wasn't really watching the main Beadle stuff.

Is he doing this to celebs or to members of the public?

Normal people who can't afford their car to be ruined and it's their livelihood.

So they're kind of crying and going, I'm not going to work.

This is we're fucked.

We're totally fucked.

Yeah.

And then Beadle sidles up in a false beard and a Mac and he takes it off and revealing his actual beard because he was a bearded man.

And let's say he would reveal his true beard

underneath the falsy.

It was quite a bold one.

So the alien one was absolutely brilliant where they basically, using 1980s, not that much, you know, not hugely lucrative

funding, not not

TV show budget, they fake an alien landing in someone's garden.

So this guy comes home.

There's a huge spaceship in his garden.

And they've got, they've hired like,

it's on YouTube, so go watch it at some point.

But they've hired like,

imagine like a B-movie.

They've hired like the absolute minimum setup to genuinely convince someone.

So I think they've got like two people dressed as soldiers, someone dressed as a policeman.

Yeah.

And like a disused World War II tank that they're given a lick of paint or something.

So they've sort of created a vague sci-fi sort of crisis, but really, really cheap.

Like a tiny little cast.

You know that like in any alien film, you've got the army, you've got the police.

Thousands and thousands of people.

Exactly.

Chopping.

All of the resources of the state.

Exactly.

All the resources of the state kick in.

But here you've got like

three actors, whatever.

And there's a big space, and a sort of plastic spaceship in his garden.

And they're talking to the person, and the person's like, basically, believes that this is an alien.

And then there's like steam starts coming out, and an alien comes out of the spaceship.

And it's just like a sort of kid's fancy dress alien costume, pretty much.

But this person sort of believes that there's an alien cup.

There's an alien coming out of the spaceship.

incredible beadle and i think the alien takes its

takes its face mask off takes off its fake beard

and its fake green beard and it's um and it's jeremy jeremy jeremy irons

and actually beadle had been beadled because beadle thought it was gonna be him underneath it was the first time beadle got beadled by irons

oh they don't make them like that anymore they don't make them like that anymore

Time to read your emails.

Yes, please.

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

Like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

If you'd like to email us, do so at threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

Now,

I want to propose something to you chaps.

Yeah.

A new category of bollock.

Oh, very good.

And maybe this is time for a new jingle as well.

I'm calling it.

Oh, I had a good name for it and I've forgotten it.

Have you lost confidence in your bollock?

It's the ubiquibollock.

Okay.

Which is, and this happens quite a lot.

Is this where loads of people have come in with the same bollock?

Yeah, we basically get like over 20 of the same work.

words.

Wow, over 20 feels like it's a ubiquitous, doesn't it?

Ubiquabollock, it's it's it's zeitgebollock, yes, it's something there's something in the zeitgebolic, it's a consensus bollock, yeah, yeah, but also I think it almost makes the bollock quite boring in a way because it's almost like it almost didn't need to be said because it was just there.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay,

yes, well, you know what that's a bit like when you can when there's a bollock humming in the background and you only notice it once it turns off.

So, this so this is the first ever ubique bollock, Okay.

Okay.

Ubiquibollock.

And that's a three-bean salad, guarantee.

So this kind of bollock is from a couple of weeks ago.

Henry said that you can only get eggs in boxes of six or twelve.

Which is a fact.

And we've received about a trillion emails saying, no, no, you can buy them in tens.

Well, what is twelve?

Well, what is twelve minus six times two

and

take away a third of six?

I mean,

I'm talking about the basic, yeah, the basic units are twelve and six, yes.

Twelve and six are the basic units of the egg boxes that you get.

Because you still use the old counting systems, didn't you?

The pre-Roman.

Yes.

Well, the

Yeah, exactly.

The ba base 12.

The Babylonian.

The Babylonian, yeah.

The Babylonian cubits.

The

Babylonian cubits.

Also, how many eggs are there in a box of 10, anyway?

Have you actually checked?

It's usually only six, or sometimes they try and smush 12 in and it's a lot of money.

Sometimes I'll try and smush 12 in.

And sometimes there's a lovely moment, isn't there?

Where you get a little feather in

a box of eggs.

Adhered to a clod of shit.

Sometimes, yeah.

And you can just picture that factory where there's an AI-operated robo-hand smodging

the eggs out of a distressed chicken and smodging one entirely artificial feather into every seventh box just to make the customers happy.

So one email that sort of sums up the ubiquabolic is from the policeman.

He describes himself as the policeman.

Last time I bollocked to you about your chat about a policeman's hat.

By the way, can I say, with the amount of actual bobbies on the beat you see these days on the street, well, pretty soon we actually will just be the policeman who looks after this country.

And this is an election year I'm saying that.

So basically, he bottled us for

the eggs thing.

And then he says, I'm amazed you didn't talk about the fact that in the US, it's illegal to sell unwashed eggs, whereas in the UK, it's a legal requirement to sell eggs unwashed.

What's he talking about?

On the inside or the outside?

What's What's he saying?

Well, that.

He's saying what he's saying.

He's saying that

at the time.

He's saying that in America they have to hose down their eggs before they can sell them.

So that means actually that's quite apropos of what I was saying, because you wouldn't get a little feather with a little stuck on a little bit of tad.

No.

They have to be washed.

Yeah.

That feels a bit unnecessary.

Which is why they refrigerate their eggs.

Oh.

Because they've washed off the

special magic stuff that keeps them from going off.

Oh, I think I don't think you need to wash the outside of anything if it doesn't touch the inside of the thing.

Do you know what I mean?

What's the point?

I've seen you many times eating a shitty banana.

Exactly.

But as long as the outside of the banana doesn't touch the inside of the banana, it doesn't matter.

It's the inside of the banana you want to worry about, if that needs washing, but it shouldn't, if the banana

has its integrity.

Banana, no.

By the way, I'm just going to say this again.

I completely reject that ubiquitolog.

And by the way, I will not be the first person that's gone against the tide of society and been right.

A certain

is this you and Mary Curie again?

It's me and Mary Curie.

No, a certain James Joyce wrote a book called Ulysses, which no publisher was interested in.

And

sure enough, most people still haven't read it, or I haven't, certainly.

And a lot of people have presented to.

Exactly.

So, no, but he went from publishing house to the publishing house.

You know, the zeitgebolic of the time was telling him no one wants to read this.

Turns out that was true.

But what they didn't realise was that a lot of people were prepared to pretend to read it, and they weren't scared to put good money behind that pretense.

No, but the point I'm making is you can't.

I'm literally trying to picture it now.

You can't have a box of 10 eggs.

I'm literally trying to draw it.

Okay, what I will concede is.

I'm just going to show you the...

Henry's now showing us a drawing.

Yeah.

What I will.

Can we see what else you've been drawing during the day?

You've also drawn

Stephen Mulhern

and a giant strawberry.

Yeah, I've drawn a giant strawberry.

Okay, I will concede this ubiquitous, right?

The tide of public opinion, I will concede that you can have a box of nine eggs.

I have actually seen them.

But how is it that it's physically impossible?

Are you suggesting

it's mathematically impossible to have a box of ten eggs?

Yes, it's possible, but you have to have a sort of side car.

Look, for the

10th egg.

How's that going to...

Do you realize when it comes to stacking,

most of grocery economics is about stacking.

If you haven't thought about your stack options, you're going to be running at a loss.

Things have to stack.

Yeah?

Strawberries stack.

I've just drawn one there.

You can fit another strawberry next to it upside down.

See?

It's got a stack built in.

If you can't stack the egg, so you're going to have to, that, do you realize, to cost that, that box with a sidecar for the 10th egg, it's going to cost an absolute fortune.

You cannot stack it.

You can't transport it.

It's a complete waste of everyone's time.

So I.

So, just, Henry, I'm just inviting you to imagine two rows of five.

I'm declining the invitation.

I'm thanking you.

But I'm declining the invitation.

Yeah, I'm declining the invitation.

Thanks very much.

I appreciate it.

Can't make it.

Sorry.

Okay.

Just head on the floor.

That's not a bollocking accepted.

Fine.

Reflecto Bollock.

Bollocking for Mike.

Oh, dear.

Good.

This is from Miles, who is a cartographer.

Really?

As a cartographer, it is my duty to call Mike out for describing Kaliningrad as a literal Russian enclave off the Baltic.

Oh, dear.

Wozniak, you fool.

It's an exclave

bracket, or really a semi-exclave since it's on the coast.

Well, well.

What does that mean?

Does anyone know?

I've never come across the word exclave in my life.

There's a conclave.

So a conclave is one that bends in, right?

Or is that a con.

There's convex and conclave.

So we've had another email from David on the same topic.

This came close to being ubiquitous.

Really?

Right.

Yeah.

David writes, an enclave is a territory fully surrounded by another country.

Think San Marino.

An exclave is part of a country which is entirely separated from the rest by the border of at least one other nation.

Think Alaska.

Okay, okay.

All right, fine.

I'm still slightly struggling to get my head around that.

No, I'm in.

I'm in.

What?

Alaska, if a country with only one border with only one other country, basically, doesn't it?

No, it's separated from its main country, but it's part of the country, but it's physically separated, but it's part of the country.

But it's not like a separate territory, like a overseas territory type thing.

Because Alaska is part of the United States, but it's doesn't have any border with it.

Physically separated from it by Canada, yeah.

Okay.

Whereas Enclave would be like the Holy Sea.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Nice.

Well, Bollocking accepted, of course.

Bollocking accepted.

Final emails from Tom.

Dear Beans, my wife and I had our first baby last week.

Congrats.

Congratulations.

And despite several inspections, I'm yet to find the expected onion birthmark.

I'm unsure how to proceed.

Can you advise?

Kind regards, Tom.

Name the baby Barbara to start with.

That's my main birthday.

So then we have a Barbara Zero.

We have a Barbara Zero.

I guess the thing is, Tom, like, not every child is going to be a holy onion child.

No, that's true.

There can only be four or whatever.

There's basically four.

Yeah.

Well, like anything, any box of onions amounts to four, six, twelve, twenty-four.

Any amount that you could get of onions in a box, isn't it?

But, you know, your kid's going to be special in other ways, I think, you know.

Yes.

And that's why you should make sure that you check for birthmarks in the shapes of other vegetables.

Because you may have glanced by, you know, a parsnip birthmark in the left armpit just because you've been looking for that onion one.

And there could be something very special happening with that child that you've overlooked.

Look harder.

Yeah.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com.

Forward slash 3bean salad.

Okay, let's talk Patreon.

Yes, please.

If you want to listen to bonus episodes, the occasional film review podcasts, and various other things, go and check out the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

And there are various tiers you can sign up to.

How about the Sean Bean tier?

Sign up to that and you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night.

Oh, yeah.

It was free soil night, wasn't it?

It was, thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was free soil night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which may have meant an unprofitable night for soil touts Dave Goffin and Billy Wheeler, but for those living in soil debt, such as Jacob Mills, or even full soil ruptsy such as Ollie Foxell, it was a lifeline.

Sean Bean himself bestowed the soil arms and began by filling Siv Sivukumaran's many hats with clay.

Lucy took home a fistful of the loamy variety, and Wright Said Fred walked out the door in peaked Chinos.

Kevin O'Shea from Cork's clod of sod transubstantiated in his gob, causing the very flesh of Sean Bean to be lodged in between his molars.

Kristen Thobro and S.

Mook, ever seeking melodrama, willfully misunderstood the evening's theme and began liberating soil from beneath the grass of the Sean Bean ornamental Napoleonic warlord.

Fortunately, the Blackguards were intercepted by lawn monitors Elise Morgan and Harry Harding and, according to the terms of membership to the lounge, were duly composted.

Meanwhile, back in the lounge proper, Angelica Carroll received a year's supply of wet silt, Matthew Keeney and Graham were permitted to leave with as much chalky soil as they could eat, Lucy Reeve and Devon each opted for a bag of worms, and Heart Bleeps was tricked by Danny Stoker into taking home six turds.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

And this one is from John from Bristol.

Brilliant.

Thank you, John.

Dear Beans, in honor of your many accident-prone drill-to-ting listeners, I I thought I'd perform a version of your theme tune on my trusty cordless drill.

Nice.

It feels like it should have a provincial dad sort of like crossover.

Well, it says here, to please a certain provincial dad brackets and irritate a certain Metropolitan Elite, I should probably mention it's performed on a Makita 18-volt DHP428 LXT combi drill fitted with a 3 amp hour lithium-iron battery and a 4mm carbide straight shank masonry bit to give it that extra sustain

i just heard that as a really long fart

uh yours with all my fingers and tax john from bristol so super thanks for that play that out now thank you john and thanks to everyone for listening see you next time

thank you bye bye

How the hell has he done that?

It's amazing.

That was really good.

Brilliant.

Has he drilled into different densities of wood or something?

I think different speeds of the drill probably.

Different speeds.

Brilliant.

Thank you, John.

Thanks, John.