221: More to the Story? Ft. Bob the Drag Queen

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Speaker 1 Hi, friends. Just checking in before we start today's episode.
Heavy times right now in the world.

Speaker 1 And I think regardless of what side of the aisle you stand on, it's pretty clear that what's going on with ICE and an assassination of a politician in Minnesota, things are not okay.

Speaker 1 So now more than ever, it's time we talk about it, we take a stand. And I just want to make sure everyone has the resources they need.

Speaker 1 So if you're worried about ICE, please make sure you know your rights, and other links will be found in the description.

Speaker 1 But look after yourself, practice some good self-care, some social media detoxing, and hopefully this episode is a good distraction for us all. So let's dive in.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes, my friends. I'm your host, Morgan, and today...
Bob the drag queen. We got Bob.
Are you fucking kidding me? Look at this.

Speaker 1 I'm also vegan this actually, Monet. I'm obsessed with you.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 31. Oh, so you probably didn't watch Mission Impossible.
I've seen Mission Impossible. But not like when it came out.
You were too young. What year was it? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Can you see one Google? We got a Googler. 1996.
96. Oh, yeah, I was born in four.
Yeah, so you were not two years old watching Mr. Impossible.
No. When it came out, it was massive.
The movie was huge.

Speaker 1 The mask, yeah. Yeah, because you pulled your face off.
Yeah. And then there's another face underneath.
And it was everyone, it was like, it was like such a bit in

Speaker 1 like movies and media and sketches. Like, I see.
And do you remember the music for Mission Impossible? Yeah. It's iconic.
Do you want to hum it with me? I'll let you do it justice.

Speaker 1 So good. We actually might get a copyright strike for that.
It was so good.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I was out of mid-school in Mississippi, this one girl did a tap routine to it. Oh.
And when I tell you, she ate. I'm sure she did.
She ate.

Speaker 1 She came out in all black, obviously, Mission Impossible. You have to.
With a ski mask. And she lifted that mask and she tapped like her fucking life depended on it.
As any good tapper does.

Speaker 1 I remember going to Walmart when I was young and they sold tap shoes there for a little bit. Ate shit in the aisle.
Me and tapping. Are you eating the shoes?

Speaker 1 I tried like tapping around the store on them, and they're slippery little things. Well, this was no training, though.
No training. There's your problem.

Speaker 1 Have you revisited tapping since then? I have not. Turned into a horse girl.
Which is you don't look like a horse.

Speaker 1 You don't look like a horse. Yeah.
I'm half horse, half girl. Uh-huh.
That's why you wear the blanket. I'm ready to get into this with you today.
Let's do it. Okay.
Bob.

Speaker 1 Bob.

Speaker 1 Season eight winner of drag race. Uh-huh.
You are a podcaster, three at one time. True.
A writer. I got to tell you, I'm going to be honest.
Okay. Okay.
Be honest. Again, I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 1 I started your book. This is my spot that I'm at.
I'm like a third quarter of the way in. I wanted to cancel on you today so I could keep reading your book.
Oh my God. That's so sweet.
I

Speaker 1 love it. No, it's so good.
I didn't want to put it down. Well, thank you.
It's so good. You're hitting like such an insane historical figure, but from such a fun lens.

Speaker 1 It's just your writing, your style. Like, just, I love it.
I'm like, I need you to write 10 more books. This needs to become a musical.
I'm working on it, actually. It needs to be a musical, a movie.

Speaker 1 I know, because you started it

Speaker 1 as a musical. Intended to be a musical.
Yeah. Four years, and here we go.
I know.

Speaker 1 It took me, yeah, four years for actually from the time I started, started, got the book deal to the time I recorded the last words of the

Speaker 1 audio book was five years. Wow.
Yeah. It is definitely a labor of love.
It comes across. You guys, you need to check check out the book audio version if you can't read like Leah Michelle.

Speaker 1 And she proved she could read recently. I know.
Are you buying it? Um,

Speaker 1 you know, I

Speaker 1 could see her still being a little she should have been like, Google anything and I'll read it. Yeah, like it was a prepared card because she can obviously learn lines.
Yeah. She's been in movies.

Speaker 1 Glee.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 glee. Glee for how many seasons? Not a movie, though.
No. Has Lee Michelle ever done a movie? Interesting question.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 So, funny enough a lot of animated movies oh has she animated though you're you know you can go line by line this is true but you're in a in a room but i feel like i've done a few um voiceover gigs and you're normally reading as you do it okay normally you would know i would know i've done a few you would know i haven't done a ton i'm not like you know

Speaker 1 i'm not like well who's the guy like like uh what's the guy who does family guy

Speaker 1 oh yeah seth mcfarland farlam i'm like i don't have i don't have as many credits as him but he's good probably i've probably done more than I, more than I should have been doing, more than I'm actually

Speaker 1 good enough for, to be honest. Oh, stop.
Well, I don't do any, I don't do any voices. Every voice I try to do, I think I'm going to do a great job, but it ends up sounding just like me.

Speaker 1 Do your best voice.

Speaker 1 Oh, my, my number one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an impersonation. Okay.
You're going to try to, I'm going to read a chunk of my book as this person, so I'm not saying something they would say, and you have to tell me what it is.

Speaker 1 Okay, don't lose my spot.

Speaker 1 In an age of miracles where our greatest heroes from history have magically and unexpectedly returned to shake us out of our confusion and complacency,

Speaker 1 Harriet Tubman is back. Okay, Obama.

Speaker 1 Obama. Okay, Obama.
See, that was good. Yeah, you're good.
That's my one good one, though. I have some bad ones, too.
I doubt it. I doubt it.
You're sweet, Morgan.

Speaker 1 Okay. Our theme today.

Speaker 1 You know a little thing about history. I'm no historian, to be clear.
You're no historian, but hey, I've learned a lot about Harriet Tubman thanks to you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 The fact she had a gun, but never actually shot anyone. She carried the blue gun.
Never lost anyone. I mean, if she did shoot anyone, it was probably during the Combahee River raids.

Speaker 1 Which would have been. But on her trip, she famously never shot anyone.
No, and never lost anyone either. Never lost a passenger.
I don't. I learned a lot from you.

Speaker 1 So, you know a thing about history and maybe some stories that there's more history than meets the eye. Okay.
Now, when do I use this? When you see fit.

Speaker 1 I feel like I want to at some point. Oh, I'll give you one.
I'll tee you up. Okay.
You ready? And

Speaker 1 does that mean we don't talk about the thing, or does that mean we just acknowledge that it's a red flag and then we keep talking about it? Oh, you can talk about anything. Okay.
Especially the thing.

Speaker 1 Can I hear this?

Speaker 1 Some flag ASMR. Exactly.
I like it. Okay, let's dive in.
Let's dive in.

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Speaker 1 Okay, this first one coming from Am I the Asshole, subreddit that people go to. I'm not the asshole.

Speaker 1 I exist on Reddit. Okay.
And I first wrote it. I'm in some really, I'm in some really toxic.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 What are you on?

Speaker 1 I'm not proud of myself. Are you?

Speaker 1 I'm in Fight Porn. Okay.
You know, Fight Porn? No, I'm curious. Fight porn is just fight videos of people fighting.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 my God. What? Yeah, just people fighting.
It's just people fighting. But then there's a subcategory in there called rocked hard.

Speaker 1 And rocked hard is when someone probably suffered a little bit of brain damage. Okay, you were showing me a side of Reddit I've never seen.
I'm also on Nature is Metal.

Speaker 1 What's this? Nature is Metal is like, it's like a lion who got into a fight and it's just a photo of them.

Speaker 1 And all you see is like they don't have a jaw because they lost a they maybe won the fight, but they lost their jaw. Not Simba.
But then they all end up passing away because they can't eat anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. The other one that I'm in that's pretty bad is this was pretty bad.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 This one might be the worst one. Oh, my God.
It's called Hold My Feeding Tube. Hold My Feeding Tube is when something really bad has happened to you

Speaker 1 and you will probably have lifelong injuries from it. This is so niche.
There's only 2.3k members in Hold My Feeding Tube. Oh my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It'll be like someone who like.

Speaker 1 holy shit. Yeah, there it is.
Yeah, that's that's a typical hold my feeding tube race. Oh, my

Speaker 1 can you describe what you're seeing to the people? Um, it looks like a tall ass electrical power pole, like the tallest one you can find.

Speaker 1 And this person decides to base jump off of it with a tiny parachute, and the parachute does not open. But anyway, that's where I live on Reddit.

Speaker 1 And of course, your pause rack racing trainers. I thought I was demented.
Yeah, I'm twisted, you know, and I'm not proud of myself, but I can't help it.

Speaker 1 I'm just on those Reddits all the time, like non-stop. I was worried about going too hard on you today.

Speaker 1 You are so fucked, you're going to fit right in.

Speaker 1 We're not going to need this.

Speaker 1 You're wearing it. I am the red flag.

Speaker 1 Okay, this first one.

Speaker 1 Am I the asshole for telling my girlfriend that she's a bad writer and should be ashamed for charging people for her books? Okay, before you even read it, I just want to say,

Speaker 1 it started off not bad, then it just went far. Like, a shame is crazy.
Let's hear it, though. I, male 35, am a very honest person.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend, Sam, female 30, and I have been together for eight months. Sam told me she's a writer, but she's never showed me any of her work.
She's not rich by any means,

Speaker 1 but she does make enough to live rather comfortably. I've asked multiple times, and she's eventually agreed to show me one of her books.
I was excited, but soon my excitement turned to disappointment.

Speaker 1 It was awful. Some trashy romance novel with shitty writing.
Jesus. Apparently, she's published 20 of similar ones and they sell well.
I was shocked.

Speaker 1 I told her that I'm sorry, but her writing was bad. She said it's not bad, just average.
That she knows she's not the best writer, but it's the plot that matters and she has an editor.

Speaker 1 I said it's still bad and she should be ashamed that she charges people for that.

Speaker 1 She got all mad and called me a prick and told me she wanted to be left alone. I don't know what I've done wrong, and she knows I'm an honest person.

Speaker 1 My sister thinks I was an asshole, but I'm confused. My girlfriend should know the truth and find a career path that will work for her and one that she'll be good at.
Am I the asshole? Well,

Speaker 1 yes, the answer is yes. This person is, this man is an asshole.
Oh my God. Because it seems like saying

Speaker 1 you don't think the writing is good, that's truthful. Yeah.
Saying you should be ashamed that you are selling this and that people are actually buying it is where you're just going too far.

Speaker 1 Like there's no, what it sounds like is this is not your cup of tea. Exactly.
And baby, it's not a cup of tea, don't drink it.

Speaker 1 But I don't think you need to be going around telling everyone that you think that their writing is so bad, they should be ashamed of themselves. Now, I will say this.

Speaker 1 Are you, what are his credentials? Are you an editor? Yeah. Are you Honda Nash? Are you, are you, are you a literary, um, do you publish? Are you a publisher? Are you a literary critic?

Speaker 1 Are you, has anyone ever paid you to critique things? Because it sounds like your girlfriend is a published author who pays her bills, has over 20 books, and

Speaker 1 is like literally living her dream as a writer and paying her bills through that.

Speaker 1 And you're just some guy who doesn't know anything about writing and is critiquing someone who's actually successful in their career. Exactly.
20 books? That's no easy feat. I can't imagine.

Speaker 1 Do you think he's the asshole? Oh, 100%. I think he's the asshole.
But it's okay to say if she says, what do you think? Then I would probably, okay, this is me. You ready? You're my girlfriend.

Speaker 1 You're a 30-year-old female. I'm a 35-year-old male.
Let's go. Greta, you ready? Oh, babe, you're.

Speaker 1 Thank you for letting me finish your book. Yeah, I'm glad you read it.
Yeah, I did. I read it.
Yeah, I read the whole thing.

Speaker 1 What'd you think? Of the book I just read? Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't think it's a book I would ever buy. I'm not into like

Speaker 1 fairy porn doesn't do it for you. Well, no, no, no, no.
Okay. I do like fairy porn.
Okay. I think it's maybe the way you, maybe it's the point of view that you wrote it from.

Speaker 1 One of my favorite books, actually, Fairy Twinks Get Pounded.

Speaker 1 It's actually one of my all-time favorite books, and it's really good. Actually, can I recommend it to you? Do you mind reading it? I'll take some notes.
Yeah. And I think

Speaker 1 if you were trying to reach an audience like me, then I would say maybe take some notes from this, from this author

Speaker 1 who writes the kind of stuff that I like to write, like to read. I appreciate you reading it.
Yeah, and are you interested in doing any audiobooks for it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd be interested. Because you do have a beautiful voice.
Thank you. And I think your voice is quite sensual.
And I think that that would give an even bigger audience to it.

Speaker 1 That would really sell. Yeah.
I am trying to get into reading audiobooks. See, that's a much nicer way to say it, right? Tact.
Have a little tact. Not that I'm known for tact,

Speaker 1 but I can recognize when someone else doesn't have it too. Yeah, yeah.
No, he's definitely off his fucking rocker. He actually was so mystified that his girlfriend is a published author.

Speaker 1 He goes into another subreddit, okay?

Speaker 1 He goes to r slash writing and goes and posts, my girlfriend claims she published 20 books. How possible is that?

Speaker 1 This man does not believe. Has he listened? Has he named her? no name so her fans aren't coming in being like don't you don't you dare come for you know jr tolkien nope no name

Speaker 1 do you have any authors that you love

Speaker 1 besides bump directly yeah besides you honestly i have been out of the reading game for a while which is why i was really excited to read your book i got you back in the game because i i actually was like really

Speaker 1 it i like that's why i was like about to cancel on you because i'm like okay wait i can't put this book down like i do love reading i i kind of went through like a reading burnout phase So, I haven't really read anything in a while.

Speaker 1 I like read the new Hunger Game book recently. I heard it was good.
It was pretty good.

Speaker 1 Being stuck with a very tight plot line and the way she worked around it and like added so much detail, it was really good.

Speaker 1 But your book, I mean, you're approaching like for me as a white woman, like it's, it's a topic that like could feel very out of my depth, but you make it so comfortable to like dive in and you approach it from such an interesting creative lens.

Speaker 1 I really really was impressed with the whole concept of your book and how, like, this return, and it's really magical. Much better writer than this guy's shitty girlfriend.
Exactly. I mean, 20.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I got one.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, it's just the beginning. Just the beginning.
You're garbage. I'm kidding.
Well, you know, you can have a whole spin-off on this

Speaker 1 concept. You never know.
You never know. I think you can.

Speaker 1 So, what are people's responses to

Speaker 1 the writing subreddit? Overall, vote, asshole. Top comment on this one: another brutally honest person who is just an asshole.
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 She's living comfortably off of just writing, and OP has the nerve to tell her, find something that will work for her. Dude, that's insane.

Speaker 1 Because a 35-year-old man doesn't enjoy a trashy romance novel.

Speaker 1 Maybe he was like, when I say makes a living, she's fully an accountant. He's like, oh, I didn't say from the writing.

Speaker 1 She's fully a CPA. No, yeah, this guy, this guy is an asshole.
And honestly, I think that that is a red flag and she should break break up with him because he's honestly, he sounds jealous.

Speaker 1 And I have a sneaking suspicion that he's not working in his dream career. No.
I don't understand, too. Like, this guy is clearly a hater.
Why are you going to date your hater?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sounds pretty, yeah. I do a podcast with my hater, and I don't recommend it.
When Xchange is my inner saboteur. Oh.
100%. Does that get a little dicey for you sometimes?

Speaker 1 With a podcast called Sylving Rivalry. All we do is argue.

Speaker 1 Oh, so yeah. All we do is screaming talk.
Well, she's my best friend though. She's actually not a hater.
She's actually, she loves me a lot.

Speaker 1 She is kind of low-key a hater, though. I mean, a hater or just being brutally honest.
There is a difference. No, she's a hater.
This guy, hater. Monet's a hater.
Monet. She's a hater for sure.

Speaker 1 Sibling. You talk about sibling, though.
This next one's got a sibling in it. Okay, let's listen.
Okay. Do you have any siblings? I've got three siblings.
And let me guess.

Speaker 1 You're not the oldest or the youngest. You're second oldest.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You give off the vibe. Boy, oldest.
Me, younger brother, younger sister. Two and two.
Crazy dynamic, though. Me and my brothers have the same mom.
My little sister, we have the same dad.

Speaker 1 And then, like, both my brothers have other siblings through, we have a really crazy web. I mean, I understand.

Speaker 1 I am both the oldest child and the youngest child. I'm my mother's youngest.
I'm my father's oldest. Ooh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm two years younger than my older brother, and I'm 21 years older than my youngest brother.

Speaker 1 That's an interesting little dynamic. Very interesting.
21-year age gap. Did you hate your little brother?

Speaker 1 i didn't meet him till he was 14 actually okay and i love him oh see he is i love that i get to be an older brother it is so i thought i'd be the baby forever that's so good now i turned 21 i got to be the i got to be an older brother it's so exciting okay that's amazing when um he was he just uh uh took me to the to the red carpet of uh of um

Speaker 1 i got an award at bt and he

Speaker 1 and we look so cute we look so adorable okay i think i saw the video he's got like he had brains yeah yeah okay i was like he's a cutie that's my little brother. He's really 18, so calm down.

Speaker 1 He does not look 18. He's 18, so don't.
We don't call the sound of sirens. Hey,

Speaker 1 I'm engaged.

Speaker 1 I just use a little cutie. This is Hollywood.
Everyone's open here. No, my older brother, we have an eight-year age gap.
He hated my guts, like hated my guts until I was like in college.

Speaker 1 You're engaged when I married? Yeah, wedding September. That is a rock.
You get this to come in a lot. Um, well, we're in LA, so it's, I feel like for here, it's like, that's it.

Speaker 1 I have gotten that. What does he do? He's in music.
He actually

Speaker 1 vaguely

Speaker 1 could be working the front desk at

Speaker 1 Sony or he could be like you could be fully dating Drake.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Drake? No. Ken Drake.

Speaker 1 He's a artist, producer,

Speaker 1 kind of dabbles in everything. He actually introduced me to your purse first music video.
Okay. He like started saying it on an episode.
Oh, he's gay. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's gay. Okay.

Speaker 1 no, but he was just like, he's like, this was such a cultural moment. So he introduced me to Purse first.
And he actually, I asked him, I was like, wait, have you worked with Bob?

Speaker 1 Because he did Hulu's Huluen drag extravagant.

Speaker 1 He did all the music for that. Yeah, I was not in that battle.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Did your hater block your blessing? Hey, they didn't get right at it. No, I was, I was doing the Madonna tour.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I was busy that day.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Hulu. But I'm available this year, so please, please go.

Speaker 1 Go, bob.

Speaker 1 Okay, this next one coming from our slash overreacting. Am I overreacting?

Speaker 1 Three days old. It is titled, Am I Overreacting for Refusing to Attend My Sister's Rebirth Party?

Speaker 1 Okay, off the rip, I'm just going to say no. Off rip, I'm going to say your sister's asking a lot, but go ahead.
So my sister has always been into weird stuff. Crystals, astrology, raw milk.

Speaker 1 But last year, she took some kind of hallucinogenic frog venom at Burning Man, had a full breakdown, and came back calling herself Obsidian Womb Fox. This is not a joke.

Speaker 1 She legally changed it from Lindsay. Her email signature even says, quote, born again, now with more ancestral knowing.

Speaker 1 Anyways, she recently sent out wax-sealed invitations for her rebirth party. That's so so camp.
Honestly, Obsidian, you ate that one. Wax-sealed Obsidian, you're eating.

Speaker 1 An event she's hosting in our parents' backyard to celebrate the one-year anniversary of her ego death. I will say this: it sounds like Obsidian lives in her parents' home.
The invite was wild.

Speaker 1 It asked guests to dress in uterine tones, said the party would begin at sunrise or when the hawk signals, and promised, quote, a journey through the sacred canal of transformation.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what any of that meant, but I figured, hey, it's just one morning. Maybe there's a mimosa or something.

Speaker 1 Then my cousin sent me the full itinerary. She got through a private group chat.
I was left out because I made a placenta joke once and I got the boot. Okay, well, this person sounds kind of funny.

Speaker 1 Apparently, the main event involves my sister being reborn from a paper-mâché uterus, while a fully grown man named Curtis, who she found on Craigslist, pretends to be her womb, like she's literally crawling out of him while he moans and plays a Tibetan singing bowl.

Speaker 1 The finale includes her cutting a red ribbon umbilical cord, screaming, I am rewoven, and then doing a primal dance in a giant inflatable kiddie pool full of coconut oil. I told her I wasn't going.

Speaker 1 I was respectful about it, just said, quote, hey, I love you, but I'm not comfortable watching you get fake birthed by a guy in a spandex bodysuit. She flipped out.
Doesn't sound very reborn.

Speaker 1 Said I was refusing to support her second becoming, that I still see her as a linear being, and that I'm chained to the masculine lie of the Gregorian calendar.

Speaker 1 Now my mom's upset, my aunt says I'm being closed-minded, and my uncle is going, but only because there's going to be a taco truck.

Speaker 1 And apparently, you get free lapis luzuli bracelet with every birthing.

Speaker 1 So, Reddit, am I overreacting because I'm not wanting to attend my adult sister's backyard rebirth where a Craigslist guy acts as her womb?

Speaker 1 Okay, Miss Wolfox is an icon. I'm just going to say that up close.
I do think I'm going to clock this one. I think this might be a lie, and this is why.

Speaker 1 It would be Obsidian seems like someone who is quite theatrical and it seems weird that she would give out every single detail of what's gonna happen like literally down to the kiddie pool and the coconut oil like why would that be in the invite like that sounds like he made this or is she or does it say the person's gender no mention well it sounds like this person made this up about their sibling if they even exist to shit on them and also the writing's quite clever and this person's funny.

Speaker 1 You know, there are some poets on Reddit. So I believe it's made up, but let's just go off the notion that it's not made up.
It's real. And I'm not missing it for the fucking world.

Speaker 1 I would absolutely go. Do it for the plot.
Yeah, I would go. And if you don't want to go, I mean, who cares? Like, I don't go to stuff I don't want to go to.
Do it for the plot. I will say this.

Speaker 1 I do love saying no to things. Do you? There's so much power in saying that.
I say no to things I want to do because I love saying no more than I love doing things sometimes.

Speaker 1 I mean, I love staying home and just, yeah.

Speaker 1 I want people to know that I will say no. Okay.
Like, I want people to know that just

Speaker 1 does not mean I will do it. Oh, well, God, I can't.
Sometimes I will say no to things that I absolutely want to do because I really want to maintain that.

Speaker 1 Exclusivity. Exactly.

Speaker 1 But that being said, I would go to this. Oh, yeah.
Are they free? Are the tacos at the truck free? Yeah. They're free tacos.
Free tacos.

Speaker 1 You also, I guarantee you, the other people in your family find this ridiculous. You could also kiki and cut up with your aunt about Obsidian's rebirthing.

Speaker 1 yeah i do think you should be calling her obsidian because that's that's her name obsidian's pretty it's it's not bad maybe people can change her names you gotta yeah you gotta reverse maybe you love lindsay the name lindsay more but her name is obsidian now i reverse get with the program also they get a bracelet you get a free bracelet you get free tacos you get a show it sounds great i will say this obsidian does sound a little bit unbearable Yeah, maybe a little too much frog venom.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Was saying stuff like you're just too connected to the gregorian calendar yeah bitch that's when i'm supposed to show up at things so when i when i ask people what date is a show and they say june 3rd i'm just gonna go on june 3rd yeah i know it's the gregorian calendar but i want i don't want to use whatever calendar you're using and then you end up missing shit because you know how to do it i know so obsidian does seem a little bit insufferable but if this were my sister and i was free i would go i would too i would go just to see it all i mean where else are you going to get this free entertainment oh in silver lake

Speaker 1 they do oh my god there's got got to be a rebirthing party in Silver Lake every couple of weeks. This sounds like a...
Can you have one? I feel like you would do it right.

Speaker 1 If I had a rebirthing party, my God, I feel like it would be a show. Yeah.
I feel like there'd be some stand-up comedy attached to it.

Speaker 1 And then I would definitely do some sort of a drag number where I, where I,

Speaker 1 do you know who Lee Bowery is? No. Lee Bowery did a performance at Wigstock years ago where he came out and gave birth to a woman on stage.
See? When I tell you, it's brilliant.

Speaker 1 Lee Bowery was walking around Wigstock for hours in this, what looked like a pregnancy suit? Fat suit almost. It didn't even look pregnant.

Speaker 1 It looked like it looked maybe like a fat suit, but like Lee Bowery's walking around in this giant outfit for hours. Wait, is this it? This brown suit? Lee Bowery live birth.
And then

Speaker 1 after wearing this, this like giant suit all day, Lee Bowery gets on stage, lays down, performs

Speaker 1 All You Need Is Love by the Beatles while singing it live. And then a fully grown woman, not a small woman, a fully grown, maybe 5'7 woman, crawls out of his crotch.
What? She's butt naked.

Speaker 1 How long was she in there? Hours. All day? Hours.
How did Lee carry this person? Lee was a big man. Lee was a big, strong man.
But still, this doesn't sound like...

Speaker 1 No easy feat. Yeah, what? And then he bit the umbilical cord himself and then continued singing all your time.
Did you say bit it?

Speaker 1 Bit it. Yep.

Speaker 1 Was it made out of licorice? I wasn't there, but it looked like meat. Oh,

Speaker 1 it looked like maybe like pig intestines, maybe chip leaves.

Speaker 1 Have you found the picture? Yeah, what are we doing?

Speaker 1 Do you show pictures on screen? Do they know? Yeah, this. Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty iconic.
It's pretty iconic. I just like don't understand how he made the crotch.

Speaker 1 She's upside down. Oh, I forgot to say the part.
She's upside down.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. So you can probably type in diagram.
There's actually drawings of how it works.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's

Speaker 1 upside down on his person.

Speaker 1 Yep, that's it. Oh my god, they're like 6'9.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 For hours. Oh my god, I would not want someone to have my crotch in their face that long.
What if I, yeah, me either. What if I toothed? Who would want to put your face in someone's crotch for hours?

Speaker 1 Hours? Who would want that? That would be crazy.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Okay, Bob. You have more endurance than the average bear.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 No thanks.

Speaker 1 Sweaty ball sack in my face? No. Just, you know.
No.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe some baby powder.

Speaker 1 You got some endurance. My activity tolerance is not that great.
I like starfish mode most days. No,

Speaker 1 I am an active participant. Okay.
I love that for you. What do you think the top comment is on this one?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 is there a voting on this as well? Am I overreacting? So it's kind of like a yes to say. I think most people are saying, yes, you are reacting.

Speaker 1 It sounds like an exciting event to go to.

Speaker 1 That's what I think it's saying. Yes, you're overreacting.
Top comment. You're going to take a deep breath.
Sit down and send her a message. Quote, hey, I thought better and I must be there.

Speaker 1 You are my sister and I love you. Don't take back.
what you actually think and tell no lies. Why are you going to do that?

Speaker 1 Not because a random Rhetoric user said said so, but because deep in your soul, you must know that it's going to be the event of the century of your family.

Speaker 1 Stay near Uncle Taco and just absorb everything to tell the story for grandkids, yours, hers, whomever. It must be witnessed.
I agree. By the way,

Speaker 1 Obsidian fully wrote that herself. Obsidian fully.
It's like signed, Obsidian Wolf Fox.

Speaker 1 We found your burner account, Obsidian. Nice try.
Womb Fox. Oh, it's Womb Fox.
Womb. Oh, even more iconic.
I like Wolf Fox.

Speaker 1 Wolf Fox is a great name, but Womb Fox is more ridiculous, which is why I like it more. Oh, my God.
Someone needs to make this their bit. I do feel like since he's told everyone,

Speaker 1 this is also why I think it's fake, because he included her name. Obsidian? Her whole name.
He included her first and last legal name. Do you think that's real? He was like, I am doxing my sister.

Speaker 1 And just in case there's two Obsidian womb foxes, she used to be Lindsay. Like, he's literally being like, go find my sister.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I don't believe. Is there an obsidian womb fox on Instagram? I'm looking.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, this person made the story up. Great writing, though.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm fully, I'm invested. I would say it would make a great episode of like Broad City.
Oh.

Speaker 1 There is a couple different things. Obsidian, womb, alchemy, and magic.
Okay. So maybe this is like more of a thing.

Speaker 1 It's it is for women who are ready to be raw in their vulnerability, be naked in their truth, and be strong in their power. That's a sex club.

Speaker 1 That is a sex club. That's hiding.
You've still got a sex club for sure. This is their logo.
It's a uterus, and there's a red

Speaker 1 ovaries

Speaker 1 of burning fire in the loins. Yeah, this seems, yeah, maybe this is real.
Maybe I maybe I jumped too. I think you're being a little bit of a of a skeptic.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 I apologize. I think Obsidian's on some real some real miss womb fox.
I want to apologize, and I'm sorry that I missed your rebirthing. We can register to join

Speaker 1 right here. Just one click.
And where are they at? Where are they located? It's giving. If it says Silver Lake, I'm going to just fall out.

Speaker 1 It's giving British. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 Of course, here's Obsidian

Speaker 1 Fox. In my rebirthing through the canal.
I need to know where this is now. I won't This is her.
This is about Jo Bell Cummings. This is the woman behind it.
Oh, that's not Obsidian, though.

Speaker 1 I was born under a Libra sun and a Taurus moon.

Speaker 1 I predominantly descend from the lands of Scotland and the Orknery Islands, the Middle East, England, and Northwestern Europe. The Canary Islands? No.

Speaker 1 I don't know. She's a temple keeper.
A friend, a seeker, a student.

Speaker 1 I'm not seeing where she's not including as a certified bona fide freak. I have the feeling that this woman would fuck your socks off.
Mine? Yeah, probably you.

Speaker 1 But I'm doubting. You're engaged.

Speaker 1 You're super closed off. You're not opening anything.

Speaker 1 You know, never say never to a threesome. That's fine.
Have you had a threesome with your fiancé? No.

Speaker 1 Is it a man? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Time just hasn't presented itself yet. Who's older? You or him? Me.
How old is he? 31. I'm older by six months, and he doesn't doesn't let me forget it.

Speaker 1 Cougar.

Speaker 1 Cougar. Cougar.

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Okay, this next one, I think you're gonna have some interesting takes on.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 it's coming from Today I Fucked Up, eight hours old, titled Today I Fucked Up by telling my girlfriend's grandma to quote shut up and eat it.

Speaker 1 I want to say off rip, I'm on this, I'm on his side. Okay.
Off rip,

Speaker 1 I'm on his side. Cause sometimes old people will be thinking they can get away with shit shit because they're old.
Oh, I thought you were going to come in with a respect your elders take

Speaker 1 Respect my elders. I know.
I don't know why. I don't give a fuck about people because they're old.
Okay. Being old is not enough for me to respect you.

Speaker 1 I hate how many people use old as an excuse to fuck around. Yeah, you got to do more than live long

Speaker 1 to earn respect. Okay, this one.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend, 25 female, invited me to her big family dinner and warned me in advance that her grandma is 93, hard of hearing, and loves asking people what's in the food.

Speaker 1 She just told me to just smile and repeat things if needed. We're having lasagna, and grandma kept asking, What's this?

Speaker 1 over and over again. Eventually, I tried to be funny and said jokingly, quote, Shut up and eat it, grandma.

Speaker 1 The table went silent. Apparently, she's not that hard of hearing.

Speaker 1 And apparently, shut up is a huge deal in their family. Her mom gasped.
Her uncle choked on a breadstick. Grandma blinked and muttered, well, I never, and refused to eat another bite.
I apologize.

Speaker 1 For the rest of her life, for the next 30 minutes of her long life.

Speaker 1 She's 93.

Speaker 1 30 minutes is crazy.

Speaker 1 I apologize profusely, but it was rough. My girlfriend didn't talk to me the entire drive home.
Okay, I thought that grandma was like asking questions that were none of her business.

Speaker 1 What's in the food is a fully valid question. Is this turkey lasagna, beef lasagna? What are we working with here? So if grandma's like, what's in the lasagna?

Speaker 1 I'd be like, girl, it's meat, tomato sauce, pasta, and onions. Yeah, some garlic.
Just cheese. Just keep saying it.
Yeah. You know what I mean? But I also know what it's like to take a joke too far.

Speaker 1 I have misread the room several times. They'd be like, this is going to kill what's the one that just killed the haunts you.
I don't know if there's one that haunts me. Oh, I do know the one.

Speaker 1 I'm actually afraid to say it because I don't want people to turn on me again. Okay, like I'm genuinely afraid to say it.
Really? Yeah, it really's not bad.

Speaker 1 I'm actually, yeah, you don't have to go there, but I want to tell you, but I don't want them to get on me. Well, we'll cut.
I'll put it to you this way. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was taking a request,

Speaker 1 and then, as a

Speaker 1 as a joke,

Speaker 1 the audience kept naming this. They would name artists, and I would kind of read the artist.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about that artist. They mentioned this one artist, and then I said that this artist is a glorified backup dancer.

Speaker 1 When I tell you, they turned on me. Like the room,

Speaker 1 it took me like 10 to 20 minutes just to get them back on my side. I will not tell you who it was.

Speaker 1 I will not give you any hints at who it was.

Speaker 1 You all can comment below

Speaker 1 who you see who you think it is, but it was definitely someone. Someone.
Someone who's quite beloved.

Speaker 1 Obviously. Obviously.
20 minutes to get a room back.

Speaker 1 It was like half my show.

Speaker 1 Over half my show. The show was like an hour and a half.
Were you doing 90-minute sets? It was under half my show. No, I was like an hour and a half, two hours.

Speaker 1 That's a long set. See, you do have some stamina.
Look at you.

Speaker 1 It really lasts with the best of them. Wait, can I tell you? I'll tell you who it was, but you bleep it.
Yeah. You promise you'll believe it.
I will fucking bleep it. Don't play with me.

Speaker 1 I'm not playing with you. It was just

Speaker 1 wow. The room literally just gasped.
Like, they turned on me again.

Speaker 1 This is why I was afraid to say it. But honestly, to be clear, I love her.
It was a joke. It was just a joke.
No one's going to know it's bleeped. She's an icon.
Oh, God. She's an icon.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I never understood families who take shut up so seriously. I never got

Speaker 1 up. Shut up.
One of my favorite phrases, and it's just so beautifully crafted, is shut the fuck up. It just has a ring to it.
Shut the shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 I don't know who was the first person to say shut the fuck up, but I know they were like, as soon as they said they were like, I ate. I ate with that one.

Speaker 1 You know, you have another one, though, that, like, you were clapping back at someone on TikTok.

Speaker 1 And this might be better than shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Eat my ass after Chipotle.

Speaker 1 That?

Speaker 1 That?

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 I'm pulling that one out someday. I do like eat my ass after Chipotle.
I'm pulling out. Eat my ass after Chipotle.
All you little haters in the YouTube comment, guess what? Eat my ass after Chipotle.

Speaker 1 I do. I forgot about that.
That is a banger of mine. That's a good one.
Thank you. That's a good one.
Also, what's the best hand to slap a hole with? I mean, just your little hand.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty quick with a slap.

Speaker 1 You're quick. You're quick.
If I may say so myself. And I will give myself a compliment before anyone else does.
As you should. For sure.
And you're self-aware.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're just telling it how it is. I don't know how self-aware I am, but.

Speaker 1 Top comment on this one. Never go into sarcasm with people you do not know really well.
You'll look awkward at best, totally dumb and aggressive at worst. Yeah, that person did fuck up.

Speaker 1 I've been there before,

Speaker 1 but usually it was someone that I'm like trying to build a rapport with. And then I just read them wrong, and I'm like, oh, they'll love this because I love this.

Speaker 1 But sometimes I'll test the waters, be like, is this person someone that I can like really let loose with?

Speaker 1 I've definitely done that before. I've been like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

Speaker 1 I assumed this is someone who I could really be myself with. Yeah, but turns out we're actually on a more, um, what do you call it, like a more of a professional, almost like a quaint, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you something to make you feel comfortable. Is there something you like that other people do not like? Um, I dip my Wendy's chicken nuggets into Frosty's.

Speaker 1 I, um, i put my oreos in water i put my chocolate cake in a bowl of milk and then afterwards eat the the soup well that makes sense though so good people people think it's disgusting though they're like why would you make your cake soggy i'm like because it's good i mean a choice lecher's cake is soggy see i really love a chocolate chip muffin with water

Speaker 1 like not like i don't dunk it like a maniac but i'll like bite and sip and bite and sip something like that i think the muffin is just so rich the water kind of like

Speaker 1 uh dulls it in a way that is good and i just love a dense chocolate chip like a big fat muffin sounds so good right now

Speaker 1 is that allowed to those of you out there who are asking what's the difference between a muffin and a cupcake you fucking know

Speaker 1 Like, I'm so sick of this conversation. You know the difference between a muffin and a cupcake.
And if you give me a cupcake without icing, I won't confuse it for a muffin. Don't taste it.

Speaker 1 No, you don't taste it. This is a cupcake.
It's cake.

Speaker 1 This is cake. Versus more of a breadth.
If you're trying to put icing on a muffin, I'll be like, why did you put icing on this muffin? That's like trying to say banana bread could be a piece of cake.

Speaker 1 Yeah, y'all are out of control. You know the difference between a cupcake and a muffin.
This is not a

Speaker 1 hot take, though. Some people would consider that a really hot take.
What, that there's no difference? Yeah. No, that there is a difference? Yeah.
No, it's not a hot take.

Speaker 1 This is a lukewarm take at best. Like, if you want to have a thought-provoking conversation, ask yourself, like, are there more doors or wheels in the world?

Speaker 1 That's a conversation that could go on and on forever. No one knows the answer to that, although everyone thinks, everyone has a definitive answer.
I say wheels. Like, everything is a wheel.

Speaker 1 Well, how many wheels are in this room? Limitless. I mean, I could pull this off of my mic stand and it could be a wheel.
It could, but it also could be a door. I could be a wheel.

Speaker 1 Based on that, this could be a door. I'm walking through.
Like, everything could be a wheel and could be a door, but we know for a fact. Is this some chicken versus egg bullshit? That's a door.

Speaker 1 That's a door. Also, when you close and open your cameras, are those doors?

Speaker 1 That is a door. Every car in the

Speaker 1 Every car in the parking lot has four wheels,

Speaker 1 but a lot of them also have five doors. And the hood could be a six.
And the hood could be a door. Every building

Speaker 1 full of doors.

Speaker 1 Filled with doors. And in the parking garage, in the building, full of doors.
The glove box, door. The side thing, door.
I'm going to have nightmares about this. There are more.

Speaker 1 I think there are more doors in your...

Speaker 1 Do you live in an apartment building or a house? I'm in a little house. With her her big ring in her house.

Speaker 1 No, it's a baby house. With her giant ring and

Speaker 1 her fiancé. These cougars out here getting crazy.
I have horses in my backyard. You have horses in your backyard? Yeah, you can come over and see them.
They're right down the street.

Speaker 1 I don't, I'm afraid of horses. We're talking about this today.

Speaker 1 I don't like horses. What? There's a little one.
No, they're bigger. No, it's probably bigger than, it probably weighs more than I do.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, it's a horse. Exactly.
You're super skinny. What are you talking about? Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 Now you're just throwing up. He's like a thousand thousand pounds.
He's chubby. I'm a little heavier than him, actually.

Speaker 1 Never mind. You'd like him.
He'd like you. He's a cuddly little guy.
Is it a Shetland?

Speaker 1 A Welsh. What's the difference? A Welsh is bigger.
Would I see it and think it was a Shetland? Probably. Got it.
Yeah. Got it.
But I have big ones, too.

Speaker 1 I have three.

Speaker 1 You're a wealthy woman. With experience.
I like that. Yeah.
You go to work.

Speaker 1 You go to work. This next one.
We're getting into this some tea of it all. Okay.
Coming from relationship advice, two days old, not the person, the story.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go ahead and say it. Too young to be dating.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go ahead and say it. Too young to be dating.

Speaker 1 This one is titled, My Brother's Husband. This episode of Two Out Takes is brought to you by Wayfair.
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Speaker 1 is acting weird and possibly flirty with me. And I'm really confused because he's gay.

Speaker 1 I'm 26 female, brothers 29 male, husband 29 male. Hi all, all, throw away because my brother is on Reddit.
I need some outside perspective because I feel like I'm going crazy.

Speaker 1 My brother, Matt, has been married to his husband, Eric, for about three years now. They've been together since college, and I've always liked Eric.

Speaker 1 He's smart, charming, a little sarcastic, and honestly, one of the easiest people to get along with in our family. I've never had any issues with him until recently.

Speaker 1 Over the past couple of months, Eric's behavior around me has started to feel a bit off.

Speaker 1 It started subtly complimenting my outfits in ways that felt a little too lingering or putting his hand on my lower back when there was absolutely no need to.

Speaker 1 I brushed it off as just him being overly friendly or tactile. He's always had kind of flirty energy, but it was never directed at me before.

Speaker 1 But then, it escalated. A few weeks ago, Matt and Eric hosted a small birthday dinner for me at at their place.
It was just the three of us and a couple of friends.

Speaker 1 I wore a pretty basic outfit, jeans, and a tank top. And when Eric opened the door, he said,

Speaker 1 If I weren't already gay and taken,

Speaker 1 and looked me up and down. I laughed awkwardly, thinking he was just being ridiculous.
But later that night, he brought me a drink and said,

Speaker 1 Careful. If you keep looking that good, you'll start giving me a crisis.

Speaker 1 Again, he's gay, married to my brother. I don't get it.
Since then, he's texted me randomly at night multiple times.

Speaker 1 They're not overtly inappropriate, but just weird things like thinking about that story you told the other night and cracking up again. You really light up a room.

Speaker 1 It feels like he's testing the waters, but maybe I'm reading too much into it. Matt hasn't noticed anything as far as I can tell, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 I don't want to make a huge thing out of nothing, especially because they're my family, but this doesn't feel like nothing anymore.

Speaker 1 I keep second-guessing myself because Eric is gay, not attracted to women at all, right?

Speaker 1 I shouldn't be feeling creeped out, but I am. Is it possible he's just being playful and I'm misinterpreting it? Or is something else going on here?

Speaker 1 I want to say, you light up a room is a weird compliment to give someone because I feel like you only hear light up a room when someone's dead. Literally.

Speaker 1 Oh, she could really light up a room. Light up a room.
No one says you light up a room when you're on this earthly plane. No one's like, Morgan lights up a room.
I mean, I would hope so.

Speaker 1 No, but I wouldn't be surprised. When you die, they'll be like, Morgan lit up a room.
Anyway, that being said, okay, so I

Speaker 1 realized that I was pansexual like at 30. Like, I think I was like, oh, my attraction to women is probably not what I think it is.

Speaker 1 So there's a chance that this man is like he's in his Saturn's return not that I believe in that stuff, but he is in that Okay, which when you start understanding more things about yourself He is hitting on her 100%.

Speaker 1 He's hitting on her without a shovel. She probably looks like her brother.
So he's into that. That's so true.

Speaker 1 He's in. He's like, man, if my brother was a, was a girl.

Speaker 1 Right there.

Speaker 1 I could have both sides of him and her. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What I would say is, it could be a sassy gay man if it was stuff like, girl, you're gonna give me a crisis, but when it becomes like texting late night, like a you up text is crazy, clearly on his mind, yeah, yeah, that is kind of a you up text, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's he's trying to, he's trying to get it in 100 people

Speaker 1 for sure, you know. And any of your siblings gay, you want to out your siblings here on this podcast?

Speaker 1 No, they're like you don't want to out them or no, I mean, they're,

Speaker 1 I wish, it'd be fun, but no, sorry, you know, I am the gay sibling. Are you a little gay?

Speaker 1 I feel like everyone is, which contradicts what I said about my brothers. So maybe everyone accept my brother.
I don't know. You know, I was just talking to a friend about this.

Speaker 1 Sexuality is very fluid.

Speaker 1 You know? Have you ever hooked up with a girl? No.

Speaker 1 Have you ever looked at a woman and thought to yourself, I would like to bone that? Yeah. Which I feel like most, like, and that's where I'm in my head.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I feel like most women think that, don't they? Have you thought that? She's like, no, no. you're gay.
Oh, you guys are hitting on your fiancé's sister. A recent discovery.

Speaker 1 Your sister's gonna walk in the room. You're gonna be like, damn, if I wasn't already married and straight.
Well, lucky for the both of us, he's an only child. Oh, there it is.

Speaker 1 Has your fiancé been on the podcast? All the time. What's his name? His name's Justin.
That's my brother's name. Wow.

Speaker 1 My brother is.

Speaker 1 You said he was cute. Oh, other brother.
Other brother? My younger brother's name is Caleb. My older brother, he's 41.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's 41. Okay.
Too old for you. He's actually the first younger guy I've dated.
How old have you gone? Like, how much older than you? I think six years.

Speaker 1 Not a huge age gap. Oldest guy I've ever, well, I mean, hooked up with was probably like I was like 23 and he was like

Speaker 1 60? Maybe like 56, maybe. Okay.
No, there was a guy I hooked up with who was like, who was definitely like 64 when I was like 25. Okay.
How was that for you? He was, well, he wasn't a good hookup.

Speaker 1 Okay. He was a screamer.

Speaker 1 I don't mind when someone's

Speaker 1 to be clear.

Speaker 1 I don't mind when someone's loud.

Speaker 1 I don't mind that someone's loud. No, but like screaming in pain or excited.
He said to me, just so you know, this is how long ago it was on Craigslist.

Speaker 1 I lost Craigslist. That's how long ago this was.
Oh my God, I love. Just so you know, I'm a screamer.

Speaker 1 And I said, okay, I thought he'd be like, I'm a little noisy when I come.

Speaker 1 When we were having sex, he was not loud, but when he came, he was

Speaker 1 screaming

Speaker 1 like at the top of his lungs. It sounded like

Speaker 1 murder.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Did you leave immediately after? No, I,

Speaker 1 in his defense, he prepped me. I was not prepared.

Speaker 1 No prep could have prepared you. I thought he meant like loud moaning.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 He said, I'm a screen. And to be fair, if you are a loud moaner, you can't claim screamer status because I met a screamer.
No, that's giving I got my arm cut off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, I don't know him anymore, but like I have been in bed with a screamer. That's insane.
This man was a screamer.

Speaker 1 That and death grip syndrome are like... What's that?

Speaker 1 When the pussy grips up on the penis on top.

Speaker 1 No, I love that I'm teaching you something new so there's this thing that once you get super desensitized you have to like literally squeeze your dick like you're gonna break it in order to come it's called death grip syndrome like your tolerance keeps going up and up to the point where like because you like to punish your penis i don't know i don't have one i would love to for a day but that's just not in the course i would like to have a vagina for a day just one day I would trade with you.

Speaker 1 Okay. We could do a little swap of ruining.
That'd be good. I just want to stand up and pee.
I just want to, well, I feel like whenever someone who doesn't have a penis,

Speaker 1 they're always like, I want to pee with convenience. And whenever someone wants a vagina, they're like, I want to get.

Speaker 1 They're like, I'm getting drilled.

Speaker 1 And I feel like if you don't have a penis, you're always like, I just want to see what it's like. And if you don't have a vagina, you're like, I want to get.
pummeled into the earth.

Speaker 1 I've never had anyone be like, I just want to know what it's like. They're always like, they're always like, I need to get destroyed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I definitely want to pump a few times, but like, it's mostly about like the pee and and like doing a windmill, you know, just for a while.

Speaker 1 I will say that peeing with a penis to me, I think the penis is actually a pretty poor design. Okay.

Speaker 1 Like, imagine if your ovaries are just hanging outside of your body. And by the way, extremely sensitive.

Speaker 1 Like, if you get punched in the balls, it hurts. But also.

Speaker 1 That will that will, oh my god, that'll ruin you.

Speaker 1 That's why everyone in high school would do the flick. Yeah.
They all run up to each other and

Speaker 1 that'll ruin your whole like for the next couple hours. Your stomach will start hurting.
I know.

Speaker 1 And also when you're peeing, you just have your, like, you ever, if you're in the bathroom, it's just like a bunch of guys facing the wall

Speaker 1 with their genitals, with their very vulnerable genitals exposed

Speaker 1 with their back exposed to the to the people, like pissing.

Speaker 1 In theory, to feel safer, you should be peeing facing people.

Speaker 1 More of a trough. But when you go into the bathroom bathroom in the women's restroom, you're inside of a closet, the door's closed.
And even if shit does get crazy, you're facing the door. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unless you're

Speaker 1 riding saddle. I don't think anyone ever rides the toilet saddle.
Facing the door can be really dangerous, though. More dangerous than, you mean if it hits you in the face?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I have a friend that was a squat peer, so she was leaning forward towards the door, and someone busted in and broke her nose.

Speaker 1 Whatcha? I think it'd be better to put your feet on the toilet

Speaker 1 and pee. Have you ever done a squat toilet in like Thailand or anywhere? Never, not once.
Very, yeah, you like squat over and just shit in the hole.

Speaker 1 I feel like if I wasn't comfortable putting my butt cheeks on the toilet seat, I'd just stand on the toilet seat. I just put my feet on the toilet seat.

Speaker 1 I mean, people need to get over themselves and just sit the fuck down. It's so bad for your pelvic floor to squat and hover.
I will say this.

Speaker 1 What I do is if I have to turn on a toilet seat, I just go to the

Speaker 1 paper towel. Yeah.
Get some soap and water and I actually give the toilet a good scrubbing. Oh, you wash? Yeah, I wash the toilet.
I'll lift it up. I'll wash the seat.
I'll wash the whole toilet.

Speaker 1 You lost me there, Bob. Well, I think it's because we have to bear in mind, I'm sitting on the toilet less frequently than you are.
So this is very rare for me.

Speaker 1 Is it someone's house or a public bathroom? No, I will sit on your, I will sit at your house and shit on the toilet. So you're cleaning public bathroom toilets?

Speaker 1 I will clean the public bathroom before I sit on it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I go to your house, I just trust that it's clean.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I really rocked your world here.

Speaker 1 What What if you go to clean a public toilet and there's like splatter everywhere? You just clean it.

Speaker 1 Your partner is over there and had an audible.

Speaker 1 I want to be clear. You're talking about sitting on the toes without cleaning them, and I'm crazy for cleaning up piss splatter.

Speaker 1 No, you just use that little paper thing that they provide and you just put it there. Just clean the toilet.

Speaker 1 You just give it a clean. I'm like really scared right now.

Speaker 1 But it's clean. clean no how is the cleaning dirty

Speaker 1 how how are y'all gaslighting me to believe that cleaning is now dirtier a public restroom yeah you don't have the proper tools you don't have i have soap i have water you don't have gloves or a brush i wash my hands

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 and then i'll still put the thing down you can't keep doing this and i'll still put the thing down no I wash it so then I go wash my hands and then I go and poop you know they say politicians are public servants, but I'm the one who

Speaker 1 wear cape. Some of them were afros.
You are a true public servant. Wow.

Speaker 1 And just think about the next person that goes into that stall and gets to have that clean toilet and not even know that it's because of you. Specifically, Bob with Drag Queen.

Speaker 1 I will say, though, if I'm pooping

Speaker 1 at a place where I don't want people to like know that I said it's you in there, I will put my feet up on the door,

Speaker 1 which will stop the door from opening if it does. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Text your nose. And I'm usually wearing shoes that are like, I know those shoes.
Like, I don't have like a lot of Air Force Ones. It's like these fucking, these are like some giant Crocs.

Speaker 1 I like those. And my shoes are easy to clock.

Speaker 1 So they're going to know it's you under the stall door. So you're really protecting your, yourself.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So this one, you think, definitely flirting. Got a crush.
Yeah, for sure. He wants to fuck his

Speaker 1 sister-in-law. How do you approach this? Do you go to your brother? As a sister-in-law? Yeah, as this person.
Like, do you go to him and you're like, hey, bitch, you fucking

Speaker 1 sister? I'm the sister. And you're my brother-in-law.
Okay. Hey, Dale.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you

Speaker 1 an odd question? Sure. Do you think I'm sexy?

Speaker 1 Just out and open. Like, that, yeah, yeah, I do.
Like, not like, girl, you're sexy. Like, do you want to have sex with me? You're just hitting it, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you want to have sex with me?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm not that open and forward. I would have a hard time approaching him.
We're in the scene. Morgan, I need you to stay in the scene.
Dale, do you want to to have sex with me? I'm gay. So

Speaker 1 that's a no. Yeah, I'm just, I'm, I'm super gay.
So I've been witnessing some signals from you that seem like you want to have sex.

Speaker 1 I could be reading it wrong, but it's lately. Like I've known you for years.
Okay.

Speaker 1 This is, I've known you for three years now, but lately you've been commenting on my body and I have been working out. I do look amazing.
I have been changing the way I dress a little bit.

Speaker 1 I've been more confident in myself. But then like the late night text, it is giving you want to have sex with me.
And if that's not the case, I want you to know that's how I'm reading it.

Speaker 1 And it does make me uncomfortable. I'll tone it to him.
Okay. Thank you.
That being said, you look really hot and fuckable right now, Dale.

Speaker 1 That being said,

Speaker 1 wood bang.

Speaker 1 Top comment on this one. I think what matters is that you're uncomfortable with his comments and actions.

Speaker 1 Trying to figure out his intent is secondary to the fact that you're not enjoying the type of attention from your brother-in-law.

Speaker 1 I agree with the person who said to ignore his late-night texts and to respond to his comments by bringing it back to your brother.

Speaker 1 If you don't reciprocate his energy, the most likely outcome is he stops. If he escalates instead, then your response will need to change.

Speaker 1 But as a first step, simply ignoring and redirecting may solve the problem without the need to accuse him of anything. So, not the way I said it.
No, but

Speaker 1 maybe mine was the second comment.

Speaker 1 What's the second top comment? I'm kidding. We do have an update.
Well, what's the update? Uh-huh. I'm all ears.
Update. Hi again.
This is the update I was hoping I'd never have to write.

Speaker 1 Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. A lot of you validated what I was feeling, that something was off, and encouraged me to set boundaries.

Speaker 1 That gave me the courage to actually say something, which led to dot dot dot. Well, this.

Speaker 1 I confronted Eric a few hours after my post. My plan was to just make it clear that whatever he thought he was doing needed to stop.

Speaker 1 That I wasn't comfortable and I didn't want things to get weirder, but the conversation went sideways fast.

Speaker 1 I told him that some of his recent comments had crossed a line and that while I wanted to believe it was harmless, it didn't feel that way anymore.

Speaker 1 He looked at me for a long time, didn't say anything, and then finally said, quote, I'm bisexual.

Speaker 1 He told me that in high school, he had relationships with girls and that while he realized pretty early on he was mostly into men, he never stopped missing certain things about being with women, the way it felt, the different kinds of energy.

Speaker 1 But then he met my brother in college, fell in love, came out fully, and figured that part of his life was just done. Except, according to him, it never really went away.

Speaker 1 He said that being around me lately stirred something up and reminded him of what he used to feel with women.

Speaker 1 He said he wasn't trying to act on anything, but being near that energy again made him feel alive in a way he hadn't in years. I was honestly stunned into silence.

Speaker 1 It felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I asked him flat out if he was attracted to me.
He said no.

Speaker 1 He said, not my type, you ugly slut.

Speaker 1 But said.

Speaker 1 But said he saw me as the key to unlock a part of him he had hidden away. He's a user.
I asked if Matt knew any of this. He said, no, he thinks I've only ever been gay.

Speaker 1 I don't want to to confuse him or myself. It's not that fucking confusing.
That's when I got angry because I realized this wasn't just about me feeling uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 This is a giant relationship-shaking lie that could blow up my brother's life.

Speaker 1 I told him that this wasn't fair, that he doesn't get to use me to explore something he's been suppressing for years, that I love my brother, and I wasn't going to be part of any kind of emotional affair, bisexual awakening, or whatever this is.

Speaker 1 Wait, can I jump in before I forget what I want to say? Yeah. Giant relationship-shaking lie is crazy.
Yeah. Finding out that your gay boyfriend is bisexual is not

Speaker 1 earth-shaking. Now, I will say this, finding out that your straight husband is gay, that is earth-shattering.
Finding out that your gay boyfriend used to fuck girls is par for the course.

Speaker 1 Anyway, sorry, continue. She's being a little overdramatic with that one, I think.
Then I left. I didn't tell Matt yet.
I'm sitting with it, trying to decide if it's even my place.

Speaker 1 I don't want to destroy his marriage, but I also don't think I can look him in the eye pretending everything's normal. I feel sick.
I feel used.

Speaker 1 And I feel like I'm carrying a secret that isn't mine, but could hurt someone I love deeply.

Speaker 1 That's the update. The worst part is being told not my type.
Yeah. Like, why are you flirting with me then? He's like, I'm flirting with it.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's like, and he's like to his friends, like, yeah, I'm flirting with this ugly chick to get back in the front of my girls, but she's a real dog in the face.

Speaker 1 That's literally like someone hitting on you at the bar. And the minute you're like, hey, I'm taken.
I'm not interested. And it's like, wasn't into you anyway, Fatty.

Speaker 1 Like, it's like, then why were you talking to me and trying to get in my pants? Yeah, I think that he's lying about not being attracted to her. I think he was playing the field.

Speaker 1 He's obviously comfortable keeping secrets from his partner. This man is a liar and he wants to fuck his brother's sister.
I also feel like, isn't that a normal thing, a part of any relationship?

Speaker 1 It's like, hey, you know, what have, what does your past look like? What have you done? Where have you been? Like, well, he lost.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you have those conversations very early on.
Yeah, he's, he, he's a liar. And, uh,

Speaker 1 and I do understand her feeling used because he has used her to validate his

Speaker 1 sexual reawakening. Yeah.
But if he wants to be reborn,

Speaker 1 Obsidian. Obsidian.
Obsidian's got a podcast. It's right there.
She has a website. Resource.

Speaker 1 Go to Scotland, call him to the womb, go to the taco truck, and eat some out past door. I honestly, the more we talk about the womb, I want to go through it again.

Speaker 1 You know, I want to take the ayahuasca

Speaker 1 and really just,

Speaker 1 I want to try it. I mean, you did it once.
I wasn't sure. Unless you were a C-section baby.

Speaker 1 No, no, I was natural. No epidural, I think.
She was real wild. Gangster.
Yeah. Gangster mom.
The top comment on the update, you have to talk to your brother.

Speaker 1 If you don't, he will feel betrayed that you knew something about his partner and relationship, but didn't tell him. This will detrimentally impact you and him because he won't trust you.

Speaker 1 Well, I actually feel a little different on that. Okay.
I, as a rule,

Speaker 1 I do not tell my friends if I don't like their partners.

Speaker 1 Even if they're really, really bad? If you know your partner and you know what I know.

Speaker 1 This is two separate topics. I will not tell your tell you that I don't like your partner.
Okay. Because I believe eventually it's going to end up ending.
And then

Speaker 1 you will be mad at me before you break up with the partner, and then you, then I'll

Speaker 1 kill the messenger, and you'll lose your partner kind of vibes. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I will tell you once you've broken up, I didn't like your partner, but I will not tell you why you're dating that I don't like your partner. I would, I would never do that.

Speaker 1 It's so hard, though, when they break up and you tell them, and then they get back together, and you're like, ooh,

Speaker 1 but it's also not his partner's

Speaker 1 that is that is wild, but it's also not her job to out this man, like you, no, it's not your job to out someone.

Speaker 1 It's also like, unless you find out he's cheating, like he's just, he's just going through it. I don't know.
Like, he didn't cheat. He's not cheating.

Speaker 1 I feel like I would maybe be like, hey, you should probably talk to my brother about this. Like, I don't want to have this secret.

Speaker 1 This ain't my mess. You need to tell him.
It's better coming from you than me. I don't need to be the one stirring the pot and putting my foot in it.
Not shooting me today. You need to talk to him.

Speaker 1 He's not going to care. You guys are married three years.
Just don't cheat. Maybe ask if he's interested in a threesome and go about your merry way.
Yeah, and most gay guys are into threesomes.

Speaker 1 So there you go. Everyone could win.
Yeah. Could be a win-win all around.
Win-win-win because it's three. Win-win.
Win squared.

Speaker 1 Cubed. Cubed.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. See your Matthew.
Well, cubed is times three. But I guess one times three is three.
So it is cubed. Well, it's like squared

Speaker 1 minus 0.5. Well, that times three is times itself three times.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is what are those,

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 numerators?

Speaker 1 What are those called?

Speaker 1 What I just did. The three times three.

Speaker 1 Yes. Exponential number.
Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 That.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I'm just not going to talk about math. I'm over it.
And I might be wrong. Someone in the comments is cooking me up.
Some mathematician is cooking me up in the comments right now.

Speaker 1 You can't even get me started. I like, sometimes I go on Facebook still to go look at marketplace and you'll get like a post from a boomer where it's like, do this math equation.

Speaker 1 It's like some PEM dash shit. And you're like, okay, parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction.
And it's like, which is the actual correct number? It's like,

Speaker 1 I didn't want to work this hard today. I would say PEMDAS is pretty easy.
It's just order of operations when you're.

Speaker 1 I'm going to show you the PEMDAS Facebook post that I saw. It was.
And I'll probably cook it up. It was triggering.
And I'll be like, boo-boo-boo-boo. I'm panicked.
I'm not. Adrenaline.

Speaker 1 Adrenaline is rushing.

Speaker 1 I'm not good at math. I'm,

Speaker 1 it's, I'm so bad. Like, 17 minus five freaks me out.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 This next story has. I know it.

Speaker 1 12? Yeah, see? Okay.

Speaker 1 This next one has photographic evidence. Okay, do I get to see it? Yeah.
Okay, good. After I read it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So this is coming from Am I Overreacting? It is titled, Am I Overreacting for Feeling Weirded Out by My Boyfriend Having Scratches on His Back?

Speaker 1 I've been with my my boyfriend for three years, and he's never been a back scratcher. I found these on his back two separate occasions, and he is always just as confused and nonchalant.

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Speaker 1 1525, The Legend of DiSorono begins. This episode is brought to you by Ollie.
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This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Speaker 1 About it. Very dismissive.
When I first asked him, he said he didn't know.

Speaker 1 I kept pressing the matter and he said it can't be regular scratches and showed me a picture of what it would look like like if someone scratches your back.

Speaker 1 So I was still confused because how does that make this better?

Speaker 1 Then he randomly goes up to his dog and says, Did you scratch me, dog's name? And I go, How would she scratch you like that? Did she leave out the dog's name? Yeah. Really trying to protect this dog.

Speaker 1 Anonymity for the dog.

Speaker 1 Like, what could you even be doing for that to happen? He then got really defensive. I then proceeded to say that she always cuddles in front of him, so it just didn't make sense.

Speaker 1 I'm confused where it came from and why he gets so defensive when I ask him that. Am I overreacting or is he being odd? These are not stretch marks.

Speaker 1 The camera doesn't capture how deep they actually are. Like in some points, it looks like there could have been blood drawn.
I need to know what part of his back this is.

Speaker 1 Oh. There's his booty down here.
Can you hand me that? Just y'all know there are scratches that seem to be right in the middle of his back. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Kind of little like shoulder blade, if you're, you know. And they're across.
They're not quite shoulder blade-y. They're more across.
Okay. And I would say this man has a

Speaker 1 giant shoulders in a tiny little waist.

Speaker 1 So I guess I don't know enough about this man's personality to question if you should be, if you should be questioned, if you should be questioning his reasoning, right?

Speaker 1 Because if... There was someone in my life who was like, it's not from that, I would just believe them because

Speaker 1 I'm like, this person doesn't lie to me. Does your boyfriend have a a history of lying to you?

Speaker 1 Those look like they could be sex scratches for sure. But also, what does he do for a living?

Speaker 1 Like, is he, does he work in someplace where, where, are there thorns? Are there bushes?

Speaker 1 Is he rough housing with the guys at work?

Speaker 1 Is he a straight up professional wrestler? These seem like things that should be important to note.

Speaker 1 Context. That being said,

Speaker 1 he's cheating.

Speaker 1 I was like, Bobby, you can't be serious. That being said, this man is fully cheating.
Oh, my God. Like, these are sex scratches.
This is someone trying to be like

Speaker 1 sending you a message. Like, hey, it's basically a leave a ponytail in a car or an eyelash or a film.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. She's trying to send a moment.

Speaker 1 You don't think she was just in the moment. You think she was like,

Speaker 1 someone needs to know about this. I'm shocked he hasn't come home with a hickey yet.
I think she's trying to send a message. Well, you can see a hickey.

Speaker 1 You can't always feel when your back is getting scratched up. Because when you're having sex, you're so into it that like something is happening.

Speaker 1 That's where it's like, oh, wow, there's a bruise or, oh, wow, there's a thing.

Speaker 1 And he wouldn't notice that his back was scratched until he went and took a shower. And then he feels a hot water.
He goes, ooh. Well, you can't really see back there.

Speaker 1 But you can feel you ever worn a sequin dress that scratched you up and you have been getting just destroyed all night long, but you didn't realize it. You took a hot shower.

Speaker 1 You're like, holy shit, I am scratched to pieces. Oh, I'm shafed.
Yeah. So he knew when he was showering, he was like, she got me good.
I know. And it played off like it's your dog.
Poor dog.

Speaker 1 Oh, did you scratch me, Fido? Didn't need that.

Speaker 1 Comments. Oh, man.
Comments really tear in nowhere. Just like the lady tornado.
Uh-huh. Top comment, I get those all the time, especially on my shoulder if I pick up something heavy.

Speaker 1 He probably just had some weight against his back or had another chick riding him really hard. I wouldn't worry about it.
These are the bros protecting you.

Speaker 1 Next comment down, those aren't stretch marks. It's just an allergic reaction to his side pieces down comforter.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. You know,

Speaker 1 he's fucking someone else for sure. 100%.
Yeah. This man has been getting it in.
I know. I wonder if there's any updates to you.
I don't understand

Speaker 1 cheating.

Speaker 1 Just break up. Or just, like, don't commit to being exclusive with someone.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'll never get cheating, to be honest. No.

Speaker 1 You ever been cheated on? I've been cheated on. Never the cheater.
Like more than once? Yeah. Same person? No.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I guess technically one of them. Would you have been open to just letting them have sex with other girls? I think if I'm bored and just like,

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 take something off my plate, you know, sure, maybe. 30 years from now, I don't know.
I might be, you know, feeling a little lazy. Yeah, what if he's feeling it and you're just not?

Speaker 1 See, that's the thing. Have you been on the dead bedroom subreddit? No.

Speaker 1 That's like very common, like high libido, low libido, and like the mismatch. And then a lot of people ask for an open relationship.
And then, you know, the one gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

Speaker 1 And then the other one is like, no, close the relationship. It's crazy subreddit.
I would rather lose my sex drive with my partner than lose my friendship with my partner.

Speaker 1 And that speaks to the foundation you have with your partner, where it is very communicative and friendship-based, and you have a very deep connection. A lot of people, like,

Speaker 1 I don't want to say a lot of people, but I think there are some people out there that just like marry very physically or marry out of convenience and don't have that deep bond.

Speaker 1 So like cheating is like very,

Speaker 1 it's not as like, I mean, people cheat all the time. They clearly do it.
So however they're mentally justifying it, they are. And I think that's a part of it, not having that deep of a connection.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think the sex is what glues you together. Once the sex is gone, you're going to lose a lot of the relationship.
I mean, I see it all day on Reddit.

Speaker 1 There's story after story about people, like typically hetero relationships where woman has a kid, husband says, not attracted to you anymore. Don't love your baby body.

Speaker 1 And it's like story after story after story. And it's like, they clearly got married because of physical reasons.
And now your body changes. And it's like, we all age.

Speaker 1 We're going to have chronic conditions. Like, I might develop gout someday.
I don't know. Fingers crossed.
Those crystals sound like a bitch. I know a guy with gout.
It's a pain. It really is.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've never had it, so I can't speak, but it sounds like being crystallized. Sounds fierce, but

Speaker 1 I got gout. I'm crystallized, honey.
You call it gout. I say I'm crystallized, honey.
I know. I feel like I'm going to get rheumatoid arthritis.
Is everyone in your family?

Speaker 1 I get really nervous about that one.

Speaker 1 I'm probably going to get dementia. Look at her.

Speaker 1 Runs in the family. Oh,

Speaker 1 we'll just start sending you to brain camp.

Speaker 1 Everyone in my family is a little crazy. Do you play an instrument? No.
Okay, you should start. It reduces your risk of dementia.
All right, noted. Musical instruments, learning new languages.

Speaker 1 Keep learning, everybody. Well, I have a couple of people in my family with dementia,

Speaker 1 but they live way too long. How old?

Speaker 1 My God, my father's grandmother lived longer than her daughter,

Speaker 1 several of her children. She was like probably in her 90s.
See? And she was, and she was bedridden for 20 years. Oh, that's not cool.

Speaker 1 At that point, smother me.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 pillow.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You're like breast.

Speaker 1 Obsidian, put me in the womb. Obsidian.
Would you go to one of the places that'll put you down? Switzerland, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, where? Switzerland, you can do it? You've been doing research. I know a thing or two.
This is crazy. I've read a book by,

Speaker 1 I don't know who it's by, but me before you. And that's where that's like putting me me down.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I digress.

Speaker 1 How are you going to other people's homes? Are you kind of a neat freak? Are you, where are you at with that? I'm not a neat freak. You're not a neat freak.
I'm a little messy.

Speaker 1 And I'm not a neat freak, and I don't really judge people's homes like that. What about animals? What if they have animals?

Speaker 1 I like animals. Okay.
I don't like cats, but I don't hate cats. Okay.
I love dogs. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you have a dog? No. My partner has a dog that's at my house a lot, though.
Okay. Curious how you will respond to this.
But I will tell you one thing I do, which is uber tacky. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's super tacky. Do you clean the house for them before you?

Speaker 1 No. Okay.
If you invite me to your home,

Speaker 1 and you should know this. You go through my stuff.
I will Google your home to find out how much it's worth. I do that all the time.

Speaker 1 Every, everybody I've ever been to, I will Google your home and I will know how much you paid for it every time without fail. Literally, I do that with like office spaces that people are renting.

Speaker 1 I'm like, this is a really nice office space. I wonder how much it is.
And I go find it on

Speaker 1 like the rental websites. Yeah, I do it every time.
I'm nosy and I love real estate. And I want to know

Speaker 1 what you pay. Because in New York City, you can show up by asking someone, what do you pay for rent? No one cares, but no one cares about the question in New York City.
No one gives a fuck about it.

Speaker 1 How much you buy? How much you buy this for? Yeah. No one cares.
LA, you can't ask that question. No, it's a little, it's awkward.
Now I got a snoop.

Speaker 1 You're forcing my hand. I'll give you my address.
You can go look on Zillow. I'll send you mine.
Okay, cool. This next one.
We're going to send Monet's. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 This next one coming from Am I the Asshole, 16 hours old, titled, Am I the Asshole for Leaving My Friend's Dog House?

Speaker 1 Walking out of a doghouse? You can walk into a doghouse? You're about to see. Let's find out.
This is wild. I came to visit a close friend I haven't seen in.
Hi, it's Eva Longoria. And let's be real.

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Speaker 1 Try Spotify Portal at backstage.spotify.com. Over a year, she always made the effort to come to see me, so I thought it was time to return the gesture.

Speaker 1 She has a French bulldog, and while I'm not a big dog person, I figured I could handle it for a week. From the moment she picked me up, I felt uneasy.
Her car was absolutely covered in dog fur.

Speaker 1 She did warn me about shedding, but I didn't expect this level. Still, I tried to be polite and pushed through.
Then we got to her apartment.

Speaker 1 There's dog food and treats scattered across the carpet, random bits of bacon on the floor, and a general layer of grime. But the worst part, the balcony.

Speaker 1 That's where the dog goes to the bathroom when my friend's at work. No pee pads, no fake grass, just a cage full of old pee and poop everywhere.

Speaker 1 The smell hit me as soon as I opened the door, and that same dog runs back inside, jumps on the couch, and sleeps on the bed. She even mentioned before that the dog gets period blood on the couch.

Speaker 1 It's disgusting. I haven't sat comfortably since I got here.
I had to lint roll the bed before lying down, and even then I couldn't sleep because the dog kept jumping in and out with its gross toys.

Speaker 1 She doesn't have a feeding schedule for the the dog. It eats whenever it wants, whatever it wants, including hot Cheetos, and then drags food all over the place.
Then came the towel incident.

Speaker 1 This is one dog causing all this chaos in the house. After my shower, I grabbed a clean towel and wiped off, only to find my body covered in dog hair.

Speaker 1 I nearly threw up and had to use my own t-shirt to dry off. I feel so gross all the time.
I'm tiptoeing around, trying not to touch anything.

Speaker 1 Now the dog has diarrhea and has been walking on the couch and laying on the carpet like nothing's wrong. I'm seriously overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
I know I sound dramatic. It's not dramatic.

Speaker 1 I want to leave early, but I don't want to offend her. She's a good friend, but I can't handle this.
I've been here less than two days and I'm already spiraling.

Speaker 1 I need an excuse that won't hurt her feelings. I was supposed to stay a week, already shortened it to five days, but I honestly can't stay another night.
Help.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's just say this. I personally do not feel comfortable lying, but it is okay to be like, oh my God, I have developed an allergy.
I think I'm allergic to your dog.

Speaker 1 How the hell were you a traitor? Ha chew. You don't feel comfortable lying? I never lied on the show.

Speaker 1 Only thing I ever lied about was that I was a faithful and I legally had to, but I never told, you can go where you watch the foot. I never told a single lie on the show.
Wow. Not told a lie.

Speaker 1 Integrity. Never told a lie.

Speaker 1 And I will lie in a game, but I just thought it'd be a better, I thought it'd be a better tactic to not lie. Turns out it wasn't.

Speaker 1 I should have been lying. But in general,

Speaker 1 I would either like, for example, if I go to your play

Speaker 1 and I did not enjoy it,

Speaker 1 I'll just say, I'll find a compliment. Okay.
I'll say, Morgan,

Speaker 1 thank you for inviting me. I had so much fun.

Speaker 1 Now, I didn't tell you I had fun making fun of your show to people next to me. Or I'll say, thank you for inviting me.
That singing was amazing. The set was beautiful.
The dancing remarkable.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you'll find

Speaker 1 a genuine compliment. Okay.
Instead of being like, you did a, your show was good. But honestly, I appreciate that.
I appreciate it. You're not lying, but you're still being positive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm finding a compliment. Okay.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 In this place, I would say, thank you so much for your hospitality.

Speaker 1 It was so kind of you to open up your home to me. I think I might have an

Speaker 1 allergic reaction that I didn't realize I was having. I wouldn't do this.
I would recommend someone. I think I can't stay here anymore.
Like, I'm like, look at my eyes. They're like watering.

Speaker 1 They're so red. I'd be in the bathroom rubbing.
Yeah. No.
My eyes are red. I'd put something in my eyes.

Speaker 1 eyes i'd put soap in my eyes oh my god my eyes are so red yeah i'm gonna just get a hotel but uh let's let's meet for lunch at my hotel

Speaker 1 don't bring the dog don't bring your dog unless it has a diet i am not a neat freak but i don't think i am a dirty person no you seem you seem well kept but i'm not like but i'm not like uh you know people who like home is like a magazine No, that's not me.

Speaker 1 I got shit everywhere. I'm not one of those people.
My best friend's home is like a magazine. Like everything.

Speaker 1 Blows my mind.

Speaker 1 two of my friends monet's home is like that asad my friend asad he's a film director his home is like that like everything is so if i do this bit where i go in his home and i'll just rotate something

Speaker 1 and then he walks in immediately he's like all right let's make sure we

Speaker 1 let's make sure that we head out of like

Speaker 1 and literally immediately he walks in he's like how does he clock it so fast i have no clue No clue. It's like there's little sensors under.
But also, Monet's not like that.

Speaker 1 Monet is not good at clocking things. I think he has OCD.
Monet just likes to be tidy. One time I stole Monet's Roomba, she didn't know for two weeks.

Speaker 1 She took a room right over her house. Oh my god.
And to be fair, I did it because she said I couldn't.

Speaker 1 You wanted a challenge? She's like, you could never take anything. She goes, anything in here? I have a camera that would know if you took anything.
And I was like, you know, she was, there's,

Speaker 1 she's like, you could not steal a piece of paper without me knowing. Oh,

Speaker 1 don't issue a challenge. See, I'm the same way.
Don't

Speaker 1 so then I stole her roomba. Yeah, that was a big, a big feat, too.

Speaker 1 That's not small. And Monet has big feet.
Big monster feet. Big, just

Speaker 1 big concrete slappers. What size? Like a 12, 13.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen Shaq's shoes? Never, not once.

Speaker 1 Big. But I have seen DeKimbe.
No, not DeKimbe. Dekimbe Motombo.
I don't know who that is. He's a basketball player.
I saw him in the airport one time. I'm going to show you a picture of Shaq.

Speaker 1 Shaq is a size 22.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Uh-huh.
This is a picture of Shaq's shoe next to a normal-sized person.

Speaker 1 It's like the size of my torso that person in that video sniffs those shoes that person

Speaker 1 She sniffs those shoes. Yeah, and I'm not judging no King Shaming.
No, I like that's one thing a lot of people collect like used shoes.

Speaker 1 I don't know like to wear to look at oh like yeah like sneaker heads. Yeah, but like from athletes like that's a big thing to go collect used athletes shoes.
I mean that makes sense. I know someone.

Speaker 1 He's goofy. To me that makes sense though.
It's like

Speaker 1 getting a dress from a model or getting

Speaker 1 this shoe is a part of history.

Speaker 1 That makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 I don't care about athletics. It's like getting a basketball or like gloves from a

Speaker 1 race car driver. Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. Do you collect anything? No, not really.
But I do think that they should be giving out the wheels from these NASCAR games because they just throw them away.

Speaker 1 I know someone that has a wheel. Yeah, they should sell them.
They make a lot of money from it. Oh my God, so much money.
A lot of them tear up, though. And then there's like metal coming through.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean, no one cares.
They just want a part. They just want Dale Earnhardt's fucking wheel.
I know. They sure do.
Is Dale Earnhardt still alive? Junior. The junior.

Speaker 1 Senior. When did Dale Earnhardt die? Like one of the Daytona 500 races.
Oh, that's right. He died in a crash.
Yeah, it was a bad one. I completely forgot about that.

Speaker 1 I got like really big in a NASCAR lately.

Speaker 1 Really big. Yeah.
Who's that lady who does NASCAR? Danica Patrick. Danica Patrick.

Speaker 1 She's old now.

Speaker 1 She's not good. She's not still doing it, though, is she? No, she did Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 1 She did what? Aaron Rodgers. What the fuck is Aaron Rodgers? Yeah.
Wait, she's dating Aaron Rodgers? Did. What is Aaron Rodgers? He's a football quarterback.
You mean she did him like she fucked him?

Speaker 1 I would assume so after dating for that long. Oh, you said she did.
I thought you said she did Aaron Rodgers. Oh, yeah, she did him.
Like, is it Aaron Rodgers like a kind of race?

Speaker 1 Like, she did the Indy 500, then she did the Andy Rodgers.

Speaker 1 So you watch a lot of NASCAR. Clearly, I'm really big into NASCAR.

Speaker 1 I honestly could see you being into like NASCAR Formula One, though. No.
No, you don't want to be a pit girly. I met a NASCAR driver, Bubba Watson.
Bubba Watson. That sounds right, right?

Speaker 1 I know there's a. No, is Bubba Watson the golfer? I don't know.
It's a black guy named Bubba who races cars.

Speaker 1 Bubba Wallace. Bubba Wallace.
Yeah, I met Bubba Wallace. Okay, cool.
Yeah. Did you see the Netflix thing on the NASCAR?

Speaker 1 When I tell you, I have not watched anything regarding NASCAR.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's, yeah.
It's over. Is it 8500, is it because it's 500 miles or 500 laps? 500 laps.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 How far? How long is the lap?

Speaker 1 You're asking the wrong girl. I can barely.
You're the one who did a NASCAR. Well, they're all

Speaker 1 racks. You're Miss NASCAR 2025.
I haven't even been to a race. I just watched, I'm a fair weather.
I'm a bandwagoner. God, that's fair.
That's valid. You know,

Speaker 1 I like the drama. I like the tea that I saw on the show.
That's a show. Yeah, Netflix.

Speaker 1 Is it a reality show? Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 1 You'd be give it a shot. Give it a shot.
Let me report back. See if you're in an NASCAR.
I gotta be honest, I'm not gonna give it a shot. No, I really want to watch like a tennis watch.

Speaker 1 I'm not even gonna look it up. Have you seen the tennis show? I don't like, I don't like sports.
I don't watch any sports. What do you, what else are you into? Reality TV.

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 scripted dramas. Okay.

Speaker 1 I like movies, comedy movies, action movies. So everything but sports.
Yeah. I mean, I just can't imagine wanting to watch a sport for any reason.

Speaker 1 I love football. See, I'm such a.

Speaker 1 Football. I love sports.

Speaker 1 I love sports. Yeah, no.
Oh, my God. Craziness.
Do you watch football?

Speaker 1 It was a straight thing.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't keep you here forever. Oh, okay.
Well, it's been real. I'm going to give you a choice.
Okay, what are my choices? On your last one. Okay.

Speaker 1 This is a very tough decision for me. Okay, option one.
My boyfriend of three years keeps making, I hate my girlfriend jokes. How do I make this stop? Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Or option two.

Speaker 1 Am I the asshole? I outed my closeted uncle after he shamed me for being gay at a family dinner. That's the one.

Speaker 1 Because I wasn't on the side and then I got back on their side real quick.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go ahead and stay up front, not the asshole. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm reposting this here as it got removed on the other Am I the asshole sub due to the relationship between my uncle and aunt, apparently.

Speaker 1 And I will clarify that yes, the aunt mentioned is Dave's wife, and she didn't know, but she never supported me either when the insults came my way. Post is pasted as in the other sub now below.

Speaker 1 I, 25 male, came out to my family at 20.

Speaker 1 Most were cool, but my uncle, Dave, 45 male, has always been weird about it, constantly making comments like, quote, you don't have to act so gay, or, quote, when I was younger, men kept that to themselves.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I bet they did, Dave. I shrugged it off.

Speaker 1 I shrugged it off until last week. At a family dinner, Dave started going off about how pride parades are just perverts wanting attention and how real men don't flaunt it.

Speaker 1 When I called him hobophobic, he smirked and said, Your generation's obsessed with labels. Why can't you just be normal? Here's where I might have been the asshole.

Speaker 1 I had suspected Dave wasn't straight for years. He's always been oddly fixated on my dating life, and once I even spotted him on Grindr.
Girl.

Speaker 1 I recognized his torso tattoo in a very not safe for work pic. I never said anything until now, but I snapped.
Quote, that's rich coming from a guy who's on Grinder every weekend.

Speaker 1 How's that working out for you?

Speaker 1 Silence.

Speaker 1 Then my aunt gasped. She had no idea.
Why does she know what Grinder is?

Speaker 1 I mean, she's on Grinder too. She just gagged someone else, talked about it.
Dave went pale, knocked over his wine glass. Do you think your aunt knows what Grinder is?

Speaker 1 Text an older person in your family and ask if they know what Grinder is. Later, my mom texted me.
You humiliated him. Was that necessary?

Speaker 1 Some family members are on my side, but others say outing him crossed a line, even if he's the asshole. I'm torn.
He's been nasty to me for years, but I know how dangerous it is to out someone.

Speaker 1 Am I the asshole? No, you're not the asshole. You took it really light.

Speaker 1 I would have came with receipts. I would have screencast his picture to the fucking TV.
I would say, let's all go trip to the living room. Yeah, that's Uncle Dave on Grindr.

Speaker 1 Oh, Dave, show your chest tattoo. We all see it.
We all know what it is, girl. And also, calling him let's rich come from a guy on Grinder.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's rich coming from a cum guzzling queen like you.

Speaker 1 Six foot two bottom on grinder,

Speaker 1 verse top. Tell him, honey, the verse is silent, honey.

Speaker 1 Let's read Dave's profile together, everyone. Yeah, no, let's get into it.
Let's get into it.

Speaker 1 Let's go to the family group chat. Why is Dave looking to fuck

Speaker 1 a hung daddy? Why is Dave looking for a hung bottom? Huh? Unhinge. Unhinge that he would throw so many stones from a glass house.
Oh, yeah. And I think that his home would never come tumbling down.

Speaker 1 I say he took it light on Uncle Dave. Maybe I would have continued.
Dave would not have been able to walk out of the room without me causing a scene. The group chat will know about it.

Speaker 1 I would be sending the wife the grinder profile. Oh, 100 P.

Speaker 1 Health-wise or whatever, you should know. You should know if your partner's cheating on you.

Speaker 1 I get that it's outing him, but like, again, he's making comments, equating pride parades to people being perverts. Like, Dave, you opened the can of worms.

Speaker 1 I'm like, maybe you don't understand pride because you're ashamed of yourself. Exactly.
Maybe you have no concept of pride because you sneak around on Grindr and your wife every single weekend.

Speaker 1 I see you. We live in the same fucking neighborhood.
Did you not think that when I, when you, did you not think, listen to yourself, Uncle Dave?

Speaker 1 did you not think that when you saw me i would also see you oh shit insane that's crazy insane

Speaker 1 i no i don't think asshole no not at all and i'm shocked that he didn't put uncle dave's picture on the post i know block this queen if you see her on grinder

Speaker 1 those of you in the in the

Speaker 1 omaha area stay clear hateful dave yeah no this is great what's top comment on this one top comment not the asshole funny how everyone comes running in tears once the bully starts losing the fight.

Speaker 1 They liked having you as a punching bag, and he's just proof the angrier you are at queer people, the more is just arguing in the mirror. It feels like some Confucius.
He literally was mad.

Speaker 1 He felt obligated to hide what is your truth. I had to hide that when I was younger.
Why did things change? He wanted you to be like him. Be gay, but don't be out about it.

Speaker 1 I would recommend you get him the book, Why Are Effslers So Afraid of F-Slurs, about gay men who are terrified of being perceived or seen as gay, and as a result, treating out gay people horrifically.

Speaker 1 Top comment just came with receipts. Yeah, that's great.
I don't think anything else needs to be said. Honestly, no crumbs were left.
I tried to look at every camera. That one's got me at all.

Speaker 1 That one doesn't see you. Yeah, but I don't want that camera to feel not included.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I want to thank you for having me. This has been really fun.
This has been magical.

Speaker 1 I hope this episode is gangbusters for you. I'm excited.
People were, I gave people on Patreon a little sneak peek. Some of the stories I read today were picked by Patreon fam that

Speaker 1 are super fans and were like, I need to see what Bob says about this. What's your most watched episode so far? Who is it? Honestly,

Speaker 1 it's a good question. Probably one of my regulars because those are the oldest.
I want it to be me. I want to be the most.
You want to blow it out of the water? I want to be the most watched one.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll tell tell you what

Speaker 1 you have to hit here, okay? Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is stressing me out.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Because if it's a really high number, it probably won't be me. 2 million.
You have to beat 2 million. What's the one right before that one? 1.7 million.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. How about before that one? 1.7.

Speaker 1 1.4.

Speaker 1 How old is 2 million? Three years old.

Speaker 1 Check back in three years. Okay, the one with 1.4 million is a year old.
Okay, Give me, let's check back in a year. That'll be easier.
Okay. Okay.
I'll come back on the one-year anniversary.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 You'll love that. You'll have another book by then.
Okay. That's fine.
Maybe this will be a musical. There we go.
Let's work on that one. There we go.
Okay. I love that.

Speaker 1 Don't get too crazy. There's one we can't keep.
All right. I'm so excited.
Everyone, be sure to check out Bob's book. I will link it in the description so you can easily order it for yourself.

Speaker 1 And if you're listening, you can go to readthedragqueen.com to get my book. It'll show you how to get in a bookstore near you.
You can buy any any show how to get on Audible.

Speaker 1 It'll show you how to get on Amazon. It's how to get on Spotify.
Okay. It'll be in the description.
Where else can people find you? Anything new coming up?

Speaker 1 I do a monthly show in Weho called GGT Comedy. Stands for Girls, Gays, and Days.
All the comedians are either girls, gays, or they, themies.

Speaker 1 And we do allow one cisgender straight man to do the show, but he must do it in a dress.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 We have that always coming up.

Speaker 1 We can go to see the dragqueen.com to find out where I'll be in the town near you. I'll be at World Pride in DC.

Speaker 1 I'm bopping all around around the place. You're bopping.
Okay, I love this. I watched a couple clips from your stand-up, and I

Speaker 1 love it. You had um, Amanda Wackoff, oh, yeah, Amanda Wackoff, yeah, and that was a really beautiful moment.
I, you're a true champion of the people. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Also, if you are a person whose mom is dead, you're in the Dead Moms Club, you can go to

Speaker 1 my YouTube page and watch the Dead Comedy Club, Dead Mom's Comedy Club. It is a YouTube, it's for free.
It is a great special. It's me, Chrissy Cello, and Sydney, and Sydney, Sydney, Washington.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we're all members of the Dead Moms Club. And if you're a mom's dead and it came out on Mother's Day,

Speaker 1 this is a special just for you. It's on my list to watch.
Yeah. Are you in the club? Not in the club.
Gang, gang. But I saw some clips, and you're just, you're so talented.

Speaker 1 I want to engage with all your content now.

Speaker 1 I know, I know. Thank you so much for being here.
All of Bob's links will be in the description. Be sure to check them out.
Other than that, until next time, time, guys, bye.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 A voice actor, yeah, that's another one. I pictured that as a little frog character.
Bye.