HTDE: Peter Sagal the Sausage

Speaker 1 This message comes from NPR sponsor Patagonia. As environmental progress stalls, Patagonia believes it's on businesses to step up.

Speaker 1 The company knows it isn't perfect, but it's proving businesses can make a profit without bankrupting the planet. Explore more at patagonia.com slash impact.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Peter. This week we are back with another episode of How to Do Everything made by Weightweight producers Mike Danforth and Ian Chilog.

Speaker 1 And I have to tell you, honestly, this is one of my favorite episodes so far because I'm in it.

Speaker 1 Now, longtime listeners may remember that back in the day, Mike and Ian used to drag me in to eat usually some terrible food. And this is, no spoilers, food related.

Speaker 1 And it really was one of the more fun things I've ever been able to do.

Speaker 1 Once again, listeners, remember, this show will not be in this feed forever, so be sure to get out of here and go listen to How to Do Everything on their own feed.

Speaker 1 And enjoy this latest episode of How to Do Everything with Peter Sagal.

Speaker 4 About 10 years ago, the town of Espo, Finland had a problem with thousands of young people gathering on the beaches and committing crimes, some of them very serious crimes.

Speaker 3 Inspector Hanu Vanenen had an idea to stop it. Can you tell us about that?

Speaker 5 Yes. In Finland, in central Finland, they had used classical music in a shopping mall.
The youth didn't like the classical music, so they evaded it. And then

Speaker 5 I'm a little odd in

Speaker 5 this police station.

Speaker 5 I suggested to the Arsapurios that should we try to play the classical music at the beach? And we played it.

Speaker 5 The youth usually they gather there around 6 p.m. or 7 p.m.

Speaker 5 until the 1 a.m. the whole night.
And we started the music at 4 or 5 p.m. So there wasn't youth already there.
And the youth, they

Speaker 5 did come in small groups, but they started to move one by one, one step, two steps, three steps away from the music.

Speaker 5 It wasn't loud, they could talk there. But I'm not sure what's

Speaker 5 the problem with the classical music. But they did move.

Speaker 6 It sounds like you just kind of changed the vibe of the beach to a place they didn't think was cool anymore yes i i something like that is is the if i'm am i right that the the vibe there the that the scene at the beach with the classical music would almost make it perfect for a romantic picnic

Speaker 5 well yeah if you like bachomoza or panfruit music then it's okay and the people some of the older people came and they enjoyed like a pizza and wine or something with the classical music i get i guess i guess that would be a danger that you would by playing the classical music, you could be attracting too many old people.

Speaker 5 Well, they warned us about that. My superiors also warned me about that, but that's not the case yet.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Do you,

Speaker 6 in your private personal life, do you listen to classical music?

Speaker 5 Not much.

Speaker 5 Sorry about that.

Speaker 6 So it kind of had the same effect on you, didn't it?

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 5 it might have.

Speaker 7 It might have.

Speaker 4 This is How to Do Everything.

Speaker 3 I'm Ian and I'm Mike. On today's show, how to fix the net at your basketball game.

Speaker 4 But first, we got an email from Brian, which he sent from his seat at a minor league baseball game, said he needed some help.

Speaker 7 Brian, what can we help you with?

Speaker 8 Yeah, so right when I was watching a mascot race at the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs baseball game here in Allentown, Pennsylvania, they do a mascot race in the middle of one of their innings.

Speaker 8 I just thoroughly enjoyed it. And I was like, how can I do this? And how hard are these costumes to run in?

Speaker 3 What are the mascots that are racing?

Speaker 8 So it's all pork-based characters. My favorite is Chris P.
Bacon, P period bacon,

Speaker 8 a slice of bacon. Diggity is a hot dog.
Hambone is a slice of ham. Hambone always loses.

Speaker 8 There's barbecue. That's a pulled pork sandwich.
And then they added somebody recently, Ribby, it's a rack of rit. So they're five.

Speaker 3 Well that actually raises a question that I have, Brian. So for hambone, what is the shape of hambone? If hambone always loses, is that an issue because aerodynamically, hambone has more surface area?

Speaker 8 That is, that's a good point. I mean, hambone is kind of what you would think.
It's like a hawk of ham.

Speaker 8 Harder to move in at than, say, like a vertical hot dog. Although,

Speaker 8 I mean, you could argue that the hot dog could be hard because

Speaker 8 it could be very top-heavy.

Speaker 4 I've always wondered if it's rigged. Like if somebody at the top of the organization says, you know, today it's, it's you, Krispy Bacon.

Speaker 7 Really?

Speaker 3 Like, to what end do you think, though? Is it just like to give Krispy Bacon his due or her due?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You all think that it's a real fair contest.

Speaker 3 I think there are occasions when it's fair, but now that you say it, I mean, with the rise in sports gambling you you have to wonder if there's like an underbelly here well brian i think we have somebody who can help us here the most treasured of all the mascot races is the johnsonville famous racing sausages race at milwaukee brewers games online with us now is their Italian sausage.

Speaker 4 And we've been told, I'm being completely serious, in no uncertain terms, we've been told not to reveal the human identity of this sausage.

Speaker 3 So, Italian sausage, sausage, how long have you been doing the sausage race?

Speaker 6 I've been doing it for close to 15 years. So I've lost track of how many races I've run.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 6 Yeah. I mean, I'm typically the Italian.

Speaker 6 I'm partial to the Italian. It's the costume I won my first race in, but we switch it up.
Sometimes we'll... hop into the Brockwurst or the hot dog.
We also have the Polish and the Choriso.

Speaker 4 So is it always you? And is it the same three or four other people in the other sausage costumes?

Speaker 6 No. So we actually have anywhere from 30 to 50 people that do it.
Yeah. I mean, it would be crazy to commit to every home game like that.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 But no, we do mix it up. You know, one of the most common questions we get is, well, is it, is it fixed? Is the race predetermined? And I can tell you that absolutely not.
We try. It is, it is legit.

Speaker 6 It gets competitive. We are out there racing our butts off and it is, it's exhausting.

Speaker 6 It's a, I don't know how long it is, but it's, you know, we go from the opposing dugout to all the way past the home dugout and the camera well,

Speaker 6 well into the outfield. And it's, yeah, in the summer months, it is hot.
It is sweaty. It is a physically demanding.

Speaker 6 experience. What, what, Italian sausage, which of the sausages has an advantage? Generally, we would say the four

Speaker 6 that are

Speaker 6 not chorizo, because the chorizo has the sombrero. Oh, and that adds some extra weight and some aerodynamic implications that you have to factor in.
Sure.

Speaker 6 If you had the power to animate, I'm sorry, if you had the power, Italian sausage, to animate all five sausages, you were given a gift, which of the five sausages, real sausages, would win a race?

Speaker 6 I would have to say hot dog because it's the most slender.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Not a lot of extra, you know, weight to it.

Speaker 4 Now, our, we,

Speaker 4 Mike a second ago accidentally said your name, which we have bleeped out.

Speaker 4 And it was very clear as we were setting up this interview that we were. only to refer to you as Italian sausage.
We are to protect your identity, which we're happy. We're happy to do.

Speaker 4 I am curious why, though, why that's important. Are they afraid that somebody is going to try and influence the sausage race by finding you in your human life?

Speaker 6 I think it goes back to just sort of mascot code in general.

Speaker 6 You know, you go to Disney parks and they're always in character.

Speaker 6 That's sort of how we look at it.

Speaker 4 Do you have a rival, either a rival sausage or a rival human inside of the sausage costume?

Speaker 6 Is there somebody you always want to beat yeah there have been some rivalries i i had a run-in with with the chorizo once so it was the

Speaker 6 gosh 20th anniversary of the sausage race or something it was it was it was a landmark day it was a big deal and

Speaker 6 tried to take an aggressive turn around

Speaker 6 around home and chorizo is is kind of in the same line and we bump and I fall and still managed to get back on my feet and finish third, but I happened to make it on Sports Center's not top 10 for

Speaker 6 this.

Speaker 6 How'd that feel? You know, it felt

Speaker 6 like something I wanted to share with everyone. Like, it didn't get, you know, it's like, and I asked people, like, okay, I'm the not top 10.
Do I want to be higher?

Speaker 3 Or I was number eight.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 If I'm going to be on the not top 10, don't I want to just go all the way for number one, right?

Speaker 7 Like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Additionally, they had me fill out an injury report because I scraped my knee a little bit. So I had to fill out this injury report for, you know, the club policy.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 And there's this questionnaire. It's like, you know, was another employee involved in the incident? And I said, yes, incidental contact with Chorizo.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 I have to just, I have to ask:

Speaker 4 how can Mike and I get in a sausage race?

Speaker 4 How do we do it? We will be there at the drop of a hat.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 6 You guys just say the word and we'll get you booked.

Speaker 4 I got to be honest, I didn't think that last part was going to work, but we are going to Milwaukee to be sausages. You'll know we're there when we start speaking in hushed tones.

Speaker 7 All right, we're at...

Speaker 4 American Family Field where the Milwaukee Brewers play baseball. We're starting out at the tailgate.
And I should say we invited Peter Sagal to join us here in Milwaukee. He is, of course, usually

Speaker 4 our taste tester. I figure climbing into a sausage costume that has been worn by countless hot, sweaty people running as fast as they can, that counts as a taste test.
There will be a flavor within.

Speaker 3 It's definitely a sensory experience. Like you're going to sense things and smell things probably, and maybe even taste things, depending on what you're doing in there.

Speaker 1 I am extremely excited about this. This is, this is, in fact, I'm so

Speaker 1 excited about it, it's almost like a weird thing that you invited me to do it because usually my attitude is dread, but I'm very excited.

Speaker 3 You think we're gonna trick you at some point?

Speaker 1 Oh, I, yes.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it can't be this great. I mean, there has to be a catch.
Okay.

Speaker 4 We'll find a way to meet your dread, I think.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 4 So, we're about to go back there.

Speaker 4 We've sat through three innings of this game. We're looking at the field on which we're about to run.

Speaker 4 What are you all feeling about it?

Speaker 1 Growing anxiety. You feel nervous.
Well, yeah, not just because of the game. There are a lot of people here.

Speaker 1 And you'll note that during every sort of interstitial moment, Everybody's paying a lot of attention.

Speaker 1 Like they had that, you know, find the coin or the whatever the ball under the baseball hat animation. Everybody was playing.
Everybody was shouting after answer. They're going to be watching us.

Speaker 3 But here's the thing, and if you didn't know this already, they're not going to know it's us.

Speaker 10 Oh, I'm well aware of that.

Speaker 7 I don't know, but I think that's not.

Speaker 4 But you still might fall down.

Speaker 1 That's exactly it. What if I, as whatever sausage ended up being, fall down? People will be telling for years, they'll say, oh, did you see that night? The Polish fell down.
I was there that night.

Speaker 1 What do you guys think?

Speaker 3 I am not nervous. I have no expectation.

Speaker 3 I just want to finish. Nina, how are you feeling?

Speaker 11 Yeah,

Speaker 11 growing anxiety. I'm just like dancing in my chair a little bit more than I used to be.
There are a ton of people here. The sausages also are like everywhere.

Speaker 3 What sausage do you want to be?

Speaker 11 Not chorizo.

Speaker 11 Anything but chorizo.

Speaker 3 What do you want to be?

Speaker 1 Anything but chorizo, which probably means I'm going to end up being the chorizo.

Speaker 4 Peter, would you like to be the chorizo?

Speaker 1 I would not like to be the chorizo.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 we can head it out where he said not.

Speaker 3 We have some bad news, Peter.

Speaker 1 Well, I figured, let me show you a text that I sent to my friends. I was told to avoid the chorizo because you can't see them from under the hat.
So I'll probably get the chorizo.

Speaker 10 I don't want to beat the chorizo. Okay,

Speaker 4 let's get to it. They take Hina, Mike, Peter, and me.
They take us all down beneath the stadium to get our costumes on. And this guy gives us this big spiel about the rules.

Speaker 4 A lot of it has to do with the mascot code.

Speaker 1 Yeah, apparently, and I hadn't really thought about this. In retrospect, thinking back about my encounters with mascots, it makes a lot of sense.
The thing

Speaker 1 they're most concerned about is breaking the illusion that the, in this case, the sausage, is in fact a sausage rather than a person in a sausage suit.

Speaker 4 Well, I think we should reveal. So we're about to go out on the field here and actually do this race and see which of us triumphs.
It's the four of us and

Speaker 4 somebody from the Mets who was, he took the role of hot dog.

Speaker 3 I was Italian sausage. Ian, you were Bratwurst.

Speaker 11 I was Polish.

Speaker 3 And that means there's only one person left to be Chorizzo.

Speaker 1 Can we let the listeners guess who that was? Just for a moment? Should we do that?

Speaker 2 All right, fans, time now for the Johnsonville famous racing sausage race.

Speaker 2 Wearing number one, it's the Johnsonville Barutwers.

Speaker 2 Number two, we have the Johnsonville Polish Sausage. Wearing number three, the Johnsonville Italian sausage.

Speaker 2 Wearing number four, the Johnsonville hot dog. And number five, it's the Johnsonville Chorizo.

Speaker 2 All right, sausages, on your mark. Get set,

Speaker 10 go.

Speaker 2 They're off and racing. The hot dog taking an early lead with the Torizo to the inside and second.
It's the Polish in third. The Blackworth's moving up now with the Italian trailing the field.

Speaker 2 They make the turn, and they're heading down the stretch. At least the hot dog is.
He's all by himself tonight. It's the hot dog all alone at the wire.

Speaker 4 Obviously, the hot dog, the one of us that was not,

Speaker 4 the one person who was not one of us, jumped out to a huge lead. If you're watching it on the Jumbotron, after about five seconds, none of us were even visible because he was so far ahead of us.

Speaker 1 I was like, is that a false start? Did I miss the start? Because it just seemed so unlikely. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Exactly what I was saying. That you saw him too? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 I could see him focus on anything.

Speaker 11 Running so quickly that I was like, there's just simply no way that they actually said go.

Speaker 3 You know why I don't think I saw anybody? Because I was in last place. I just saw you guys.
All I saw was Hina, and I just knew that I had to beat, I couldn't be last.

Speaker 4 Ultimately, that's where the drama for the crowd was:

Speaker 4 who was going to be last between Mike and Hina? Because it was neck and neck for the bottom.

Speaker 3 And I think I've seen video, and I do think we tied.

Speaker 3 The hot dog guy smoked this.

Speaker 1 Completely. We were smoked sausages.

Speaker 3 Hey, and if you have any questions you want us to answer, you can send them to us at howto at npr.org. That's our email address.
And we promise we look at every email we receive.

Speaker 4 If your question is that you are currently stuck inside of a Bratworth's costume, I'll just tell you right now, just bend both of your elbows the other way, unlock your hips, and rotate your head 360 degrees.

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Speaker 4 Hey,

Speaker 4 we got some listener mail, some correspondence from you all that we would like to acknowledge. First up, we got something from Madeline or Madeline.

Speaker 4 Just wanted to report back that I have never seen the movie The Champ, and when I heard the short snippet from the movie you played in the archive episode, I didn't cry.

Speaker 4 But when I heard Mike start crying, I unexpectedly started crying with full tears. I also have young kids, so maybe that's it.

Speaker 3 Madeline, I feel your pain. I inspired your pain.

Speaker 4 You caused, caused

Speaker 7 your pain.

Speaker 3 I caused your pain with my pain. I have not watched The Champ in the years since we recorded that episode.
Have you, Ian?

Speaker 4 Well, no, I haven't, but I'll say, listening back to our podcast episode in which I did not cry, which I was completely stone-hearted. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I cried when I heard you cry.

Speaker 7 I did.

Speaker 4 I've had, I have kids. I didn't have them when we recorded that episode.
Yeah. But you also caused my pain.

Speaker 7 Oh, well, you're welcome.

Speaker 4 Here's another one. This is from Oliver.
He's responding to our recent episode about things that are world famous. He's writing from Australia.

Speaker 4 He says, I will preface that I'm from the East Coast of Australia, but here we call the event of a hot dog sale. a sausage sizzle.
Okay. And we call a hot dog itself a snag.

Speaker 3 Okay, I don't think I would ever do that. I don't think I'd be comfortable ordering a Chicago-style snag.

Speaker 4 I will say, I can say that I was just moments ago completely humiliated by a very fast snag.

Speaker 3 Yeah, see, when you said that,

Speaker 3 I wasn't sure if we needed to mark this episode explicit or not.

Speaker 4 Oh, we also want to point out one of our reviews on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 3 This is from Hydro Flask Water Bottle, who asks, do you guys actually read these?

Speaker 3 I think the answer is obviously yes.

Speaker 4 We are currently doing so. Yep.
Hydroglass water bottle.

Speaker 3 The Cocoa Beach High School basketball team was playing a game and the net went up through the hoop and got stuck. The players kept jumping up to try and knock it down, but nothing was working.

Speaker 4 The game was stopped. The game could not go on.
So Bella Haley Jitana from the Cocoa Beach High School cheerleading squad,

Speaker 4 can you tell us what you did?

Speaker 14 Well, we were just sort of cheering like we would normally do. And then the game just sort of stops.

Speaker 14 It's like we were just watching them struggle for like a fat minute until we sort of realized like, wait, when we do pep rallies and stuff, my head goes past the rim.

Speaker 14 So we decided to, you know, show off one of our skills and solve the problem at the same time, you know? It was easy peasy.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 4 For Mike and I, who don't know a lot about cheering, can you describe what you did?

Speaker 14 So there was three of us. We had a back spot and two side bases.

Speaker 3 Okay, those are fresh, that's fresh vocabulary for us here.

Speaker 7 Back spot, side bases.

Speaker 14 So the girl that is the back spot, she is behind holding the basketball.

Speaker 4 Okay, so basically what they're describing here, none of the boys on the basketball team could fix the net.

Speaker 4 So the cheerleaders did, you know, we've all seen it, kind of a basic cheerleading pyramid with one of them way up in the air and she untangled the net.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it looks awesome.

Speaker 14 It was like actually tangled up in there, but they got me high enough so I was able to clearly be able to untangle it.

Speaker 6 How did the crowd react?

Speaker 4 Because it, you know, it looks like you're just kind of doing your thing.

Speaker 14 I think for a second, they didn't, like, some of them didn't really realize what was like going on.

Speaker 14 And then, like, you heard one kid from the other like side go, oh, and like, then people started like clapping and stuff. So we were like, oh, wow, this is fun.

Speaker 4 Did the

Speaker 4 boys on the the team, did you sense that you had bruised any egos when they were unable to help and you were?

Speaker 14 I mean, they just sort of went back into their game and sort of

Speaker 14 just let it go. Yeah.
Sweep it under the rug like it never happened.

Speaker 7 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 14 A funny piece of information is Bella's brother is actually on the basketball team. So his sister had to come out to the rescue.
Pretty odd.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 14 She was just standing there helplessly.

Speaker 3 Bella, does your brother feel bad that you can probably dunk better than he can?

Speaker 14 I don't think so. He's actually, he's pretty close to dunking right now.
So I think he's fine with it.

Speaker 3 How many side bases does it take for him to dunk?

Speaker 14 Maybe one or two.

Speaker 7 There you go. There you go.

Speaker 4 Have you all, any other time in your life when you're not at a game cheerleading, have you used your cheerleading skills to help out in other ways?

Speaker 14 I actually use it sometimes at work. Instead of there being like, you know, three bases, it's just me and the the person that needs to, you know, grab something from the top shelf.

Speaker 14 I just kind of make the same hand motion and just like lift them up a little bit.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 14 It still works like to help them up.

Speaker 3 Awesome. Well, this has been so much fun.
Thank you guys.

Speaker 14 Thank you guys for having us.

Speaker 7 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Well, that does it for this week's show. What'd you learn, Ian?

Speaker 4 I learned that the mascot code is very real

Speaker 4 and people take it very seriously.

Speaker 3 Did you, let me just ask you, was there ever a a point when we were on the field, we're giving high fives, or we're doing our best to give high fives?

Speaker 3 Because the fact is, because we have no peripheral vision and because I didn't feel comfortable turning, I couldn't actually turn to look at the people I was giving high fives in the stand.

Speaker 3 So there were a lot of, it was like, there were a lot of phantom high fives.

Speaker 4 I, there, you know, all the fans are leaning through the netting that is up to. catch foul balls.
I was giving every high five I could.

Speaker 4 I got very nervous that my costume was was going to become entangled in the netting. I saw it all happening, that then it would tear the costume from my body as my human self fell to the ground.

Speaker 4 Children everywhere, the mascot code would be broken, children would see that there was a man within. There would just be tears.

Speaker 3 That's not a real bratwurst. That's what people, you think that's what people would say.

Speaker 4 He's not the bratwurst we thought he was.

Speaker 4 How to do everything is produced by Polish sausage Hina Shravastova. Technical direction from Lorna White.

Speaker 3 Our intern this week is the hot dog that beat us in the sausage race. Congratulations, hot dog.

Speaker 4 Get us your questions at howto at npr.org. I'm Ian.

Speaker 3 And I'm Mike.

Speaker 10 Thanks.

Speaker 8 Thanks.

Speaker 4 So, did you watch the sausage race?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 4 What'd you think?

Speaker 8 It's pretty funny.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Who was your favorite sausage?

Speaker 8 The Chorizo has always been my favorite.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So this guy right here was the Chorizo.

Speaker 10 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 10 What happened?

Speaker 2 What happened? You're asking me what happened?

Speaker 1 I came in third. Look.

Speaker 1 I won my age group.

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