How to Parent While You Heal: Live on Tour

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Welcome back, Pod Squad.

Today, after receiving so much love for our live episode that we shared with you a couple weeks ago, we are taking you back into this sacred, joyful space of our We Can Do Our Things tour.

It is something that you all and we created together during this time in which so many of us are at home and feeling isolated with fear and anxiety, and feeling a little bit desperate and a little bit hopeless.

And the beauty of being together is that we found hope and joy and togetherness and community.

And those are the things that are going to get us through this.

Every one of these nights reminded us of that connection and the power of being together and

of feeling alive.

And a bunch of people feeling alive together is

how we're going to change things.

So, it's also what makes life worth living.

So, thank you for showing up with us in those rooms.

Thank you for showing up for yourselves and for spending this time with us.

We were in all sorts of places.

Thousands of you did.

We saw in New York, Boston, and Philly, and Washington, D.C., and Minneapolis, and Denver, and Portland, Sanfran, and Seattle.

And then we ended the tour with an unforgettable night in Nashville, Tennessee during Pride weekend at the Ryman Auditorium.

And I will never forget the end of that show with the lights of people's cell phones while Tish was singing.

It was just as close to magic as I felt.

In today's episode, you're really going to want to listen to this.

It is good.

We are bringing you the live moments from a collection of those shows.

We're talking about internalized sexism,

what to do when you don't have a village, how to stay rooted in love when all you're feeling is fear, why friendship might be the most important survival tool we have right now.

And I talk a little bit about letting go of perfection, which I'm not yet perfect at.

Let us jump in.

Hi, squad.

Oh my god, it's the pod squad.

I love it!

So the question is, what's going on with the Sarah Paulson playing Glennon and all that stuff?

Wow, you are the first person to ask me that on this tour.

I have to figure out how much of the truth I want to tell right now.

Okay, I'll just tell the whole truth.

When does that ever get me in trouble?

So, I believe

that

that project will happen at some point.

I stopped it completely.

I

could

not

find any peace or comfort with my family in any way being on a screen.

Like when I write my stories about them, I get to completely,

I want to use a better word than control, but I think that's the right word.

Shepherd,

this story, you know, it's from me.

And so every word that I write about them and Craig or anybody else is truthful but done with like great, great love.

And we kept getting to parts where I just felt like, I don't think I have the right to do this.

I can't explain it other than I could never get to a place where I felt like

it needed to be done or that I had the right to

make my kids like

symbols of anything or

I just couldn't get comfortable with it.

And so I canceled the whole thing.

And

I know, it's kind of a bummer because, and Sarah Paulson is one of the most beautiful, wonderful people in the entire world, and one of my dearest friends now.

And we both believe that we will figure out how it can be done eventually.

And when it comes around and it's the right idea, it'll be perfect.

It'll happen, but it just, I could not.

I feel like more and more, I'm just not doing anything that doesn't feel like.

and I feel like we also have like the most amazing level of like A's A list B list where like W we're like so low on the fame list and it's perfect and I I don't want it to get higher like I think that it's not we're just in a good zone right now you know yes so there wasn't enough in the plus column to keep it going but there was so much risk that I just felt like it's not needed maybe one day I'm sorry maybe one day.

Okay, let's go up top now.

Oh my god, I feel like I could throw up top.

Sorry.

Okay, actually, I do have a question.

So when you were talking about how do we make peace with our bodies, It was making me think about my spouse.

My spouse is trans,

and my spouse has so much respect for their trans ancestors, and they care so much about fighting and staying here in the U.S.

and fighting.

And I have so much love that has turned into deep, deep fear.

And I want to run.

I want to take my spouse and run away so fast.

So how do I reconcile deep love that has turned into such deep fear?

Yeah.

Well, what is your name?

Yeah.

Maggie.

Maggie, you're wonderful.

Susie, do you have a response to Maggie about love and fear right now?

It's a good question.

It's a beautiful question.

First of all,

it's beautiful that your spouse is

exactly who they are.

It's beautiful that you love them exactly who they are.

It's beautiful that you can connect your love and your fear because I think that is probably 90% of the ballgame.

I think so much

of love shows up as fear and the fact you can connect that is a really beautiful thing.

I think the fact that

your spouse wants to stay

is wonderful because

what is happening right now is this intentional strategy of erasure.

I mean, that is

what is happening with so many trailblazing, so many existences, so many beautiful ways to show up in the world are being literally erased.

That's why they're trying to get rid of critical race theory.

That's why they're trying to get rid of the celebratory days that mark these heroic people.

That's why they're trying to erase

trans people from history.

Trans people have been around for thousands and thousands of years.

And they, by

putting them

up as if they are new that is an effort to isolate that is an effort to say you are new and strange and there is no precedent for you and that could not be more just intellectually factually wrong so this is why that's happening and I think that

the refusal to be erased from any marginalized group, if we are not marginalized, the refusal to aid and abet and allow erasure

is one of the most important things we can be doing right now because

It's just it's so necessary it isn't about it's about recognizing our history It's about recognizing reality and that's why they're trying to replace reality with a counter reality so that the people who come up behind have to relearn that they are not alone.

They have to relearn, they have to discover that they're part of a beautiful, long-standing lineage on their own, which is bullshit.

It shouldn't be the case.

So, I mean, I think

kudos to y'all for showing up and for refusing to be erased.

And also, of course, love is the opposite of fear.

It always has been.

And you know how much you love them.

And you're going to keep showing up because of that love.

They're the opposite sides of the same coin.

And your fear is what's it's going to keep you loving, and your love is what's going to keep you afraid of the eraser.

So just

you're doing everything right.

And we're going to fight for you and with you.

We're going to fight like hell.

Yeah.

You are not alone.

Yep.

Okay, so

I think that it's really interesting.

First of all, Tish

kind of

when she went on earlier and she was talking about love and fear and how close they are on the spectrum

like I've been thinking a lot about that and I think that

for you and your spouse

the fact that you're even in the conversation of these two things

to me like in my body like when you said that I was like oh you're going to be okay.

And I know it because there's thousands of us in this room right now.

It's a big reason why we wanted to do this book tour right now, because we needed to be around other people that could help us get through these bizarre times, these horrific times,

that real people are suffering and real people are scared.

And I think that if the love

can live in coexistence with the fear

and we accept both of those for really what they are.

And when fear shows up, Glennon has always said, like, when it knocks on your door, let it come in and tell it and let it teach you what you need to know.

And I think that we will get through this with love, but also the fear is important.

I don't think that we should just try to ignore it.

I think that we have to listen to it.

What is this fear trying to teach us?

That's it.

Also, I want to say something else.

Because the fear thing is huge.

The fear, it's like we are afraid.

But you want to know who's more afraid?

They are afraid.

That's the whole reason for this entire bullshit.

I think it was Paul Mason who said that fascism is fear of freedom triggered by a taste of freedom by those who fascists don't want to be free.

Okay?

So it is the very fact that freedom is coming and inevitable and we are pushing it forward no matter what, that they are so afraid that they need to do this.

That's right.

So it's not, it's not, let's just remember we are afraid, but they are way more afraid and they should be because we are going to keep going.

Okay,

I mean, I just have to do it.

Woman in the white shirt that's standing up.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

My name's Abby, also.

That's her name, too.

So I promise there's a question at the end of this, but just a little bit of background.

I grew up as an Orthodox Jew, and for anybody who grew up in any like devout religion, it's kind of the same story.

I was expected to grow up, marry the Jewish man, make the Jewish babies, and live happily enough ever after.

And

that's what I did.

I went to college, I found the Jewish boy, we got married, we had the babies, and then within the first six months of the pandemic, I had the gay awakening.

Yes!

I was so hoping we were gonna get here.

I didn't know I was gonna go here.

I'm so excited now!

I was like, that's where this is going.

We needed to clear this shit up a a little bit more.

And I had two little babies at the time and was pregnant with the third.

And I thought, well, fuck.

Yay!

And

at the time, I had started opening up to a few close friends that I worked with.

And one of them said, you know, I just read this book that I think you might find relatable.

I said, okay, well, I don't know anything right now, and I'm very scared, so absolutely.

And she bought me a copy of Untamed.

And

the takeaway that I got from the book was that we all will die for the people that we love.

We'll die for our kids.

We'll die.

And I knew then that instead of dying for them I had to get up and live for them yeah

I was very scared um Glennon had seen Abby and then at least she had that I didn't have an Abby

I'm sorry I know me too

You were your own Abby.

I mean, I guess.

I was more of a Glennon, though.

Yeah, sorry.

I thought, okay.

Me too.

This is what we're doing.

We're going to blow up our marriage.

It's going to be terrible, but I hope at the end of it, I will not only be able to live for my kids, but maybe I will find the Glennon or the Abbey to my Glennon.

And I did.

Don't tell me her name's Glennon, because that would be so weird.

Yeah, it would be very, very weird.

It would be weird.

Her name is Lauren.

This is my wife.

Hi, Lauren.

And,

you know, together we have blended our families.

Together, we have five beautiful children,

all under the ages of eight.

Wow.

So, I guess my question through,

but how do you not only parent your kids the way that you wish you had been parented,

but also at the exact same time, parent yourself the way that you wish you had been parented?

Because the only thing I know right now is that I don't know anything.

Yeah.

You know more than most people then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The not knowing.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's beautiful.

Thank you, Abby.

That's so brave, too, because you did the thing before the Lauren showed up.

People ask me all the time, would you have been brave enough to leave had you not had Abby there?

And I hope so.

Like, I think I, but I don't know that answer.

So awesome.

You're awesome.

Like, you did it.

and like you made the leap and then just in faith and belief and truth to yourself before you had another person there to go to.

That's amazing.

Very cool.

Yeah, I mean, I went through my whole phase, lots of dating.

Well, listen, here you are.

You didn't need to have a whole phase.

Yeah.

Yesterday, it was just well before.

Oh, that's true.

Now, listen, one of the things that you mentioned that I think is important about parenting that that is like makes me know that you're very wise is that no parent knows what the fuck they're doing.

Like you're just making it up as you go along and the more I parent, the more I realize that my ability to self-regulate prior to going into any parenting interaction will either make or break that parenting interaction.

And that is the only thing that I think about now.

Like it it doesn't even matter what I'm saying with my words.

It is literally the energy in which I'm walking into a situation.

And if I'm bringing my five-year-old self, which I do quite often, or my 10-year-old self, or my 18-year-old self, I am a different parent.

And so I have to check myself in those ways.

So good on you.

God bless you for taking care of five children under the age of eight.

I do not know how you're here, why you're here.

That's why she's here.

That's why she's here.

She'd be anywhere else.

I'd be sleeping in a hotel by myself somewhere.

I think that

we do both of those at the same time.

Yeah.

Like I can tell you for me,

it's always happening at the exact same time.

Like when I, when a kid comes to me and I can, one of my, our kids and I know what they need in that moment.

And I'm regulated enough to give them that, whether it's like a listening ear or a gentleness or forgiveness or whatever it is.

I always have this wave of gratitude that I was able to do this, but then there's this second wave that's like great sadness for my little girl self who didn't get that in that moment.

That's how that happens for me every time.

It is not like

I heal myself, I'm mothering myself, and then I mother them.

It's like I mother them and then I think, oh.

And then I just have to have like some moments with myself.

And for me, it's backwards.

I have a good instinct for what they need.

Then I remember, oh, now I give that to myself.

Yes.

That gentleness, that forgiveness, that caring, that is what I need right now.

And then I find a way to mother myself in that way.

But I always have to get it first through what I can instinctually do with the kids.

Does that make sense?

I sometimes do this weird thing where when you're, because you are so good, I'm a little bit less regulated with the kids than you are.

Like, when the kids bring us some sort of drama, because there's drama every day,

you are like, oh, wow, tell me more about that.

And I'm somewhere, I go somewhere else.

And so I then pretend that Glennon

is like sweetly, lovingly talking to me and that little part of myself.

And then I can get back into my situation.

So you can maybe even help each other.

Not that you're my mother, but I'm

I don't want that.

Congratulations, you guys.

Yeah, good job.

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Up top.

Okay, I saw your hand second.

First, yeah.

You know, she loves this part.

She's just like,

hi,

my mom actually read your book, Untamed to Me, when I was 12.

We skipped the blowjob chapter.

Glennon's also been skipping the blowjobs.

Anyways, it had a really big impact on my life then, and I listen to your podcast now.

And I just wanted to ask, I feel like I'm having such a hard time because I feel like I have to be sexist to like survive in the world and in my relationships and I just feel like it's having a really negative effect on me as a woman and I'm just wondering like if you have any advice about how to not

internalize all that.

Okay first of all what's your name?

I'm Olivia.

Olivia you're so great.

That was funny and touching and all the things.

You should have a podcast really Olivia.

Can you just repeat for me what

you're having a hard time not being, did you say sexist?

Like internalize sexism, like internalism.

Like toward myself.

Yeah.

Oh

shit.

You go.

Well,

so does

everyone

who has been socialized and brought up as a female person.

Yes.

All of us.

That isn't that there is something wrong with you.

That is because

from birth, you've been receiving the messages over and over that you're not supposed to trust yourself, that you are supposed to

be a certain way to be received, be a certain way to be loved, be a certain way to be palatable.

Like, it doesn't go from an entire growing up in a culture in which you're stewed in that.

to an intellectual understanding and desire and switch overnight.

Like, like that just isn't that's a you should stop shaming yourself for having that because we all do and it's something that I mean the most shame I have felt in myself recently I didn't even tell you guys this because I was so so humiliated by it but I was traveling with my family

and

We stopped at this restaurant and

This older gentleman came up and was talking with us.

I was there with my daughter.

My daughter's 10.

And

he was chatting and there was this moment where he was like, can I have a hug?

And I did it.

Oh, yeah, I get that moment.

I really do.

I did it.

And my daughter was there.

It was uncomfortable for her.

It was uncomfortable for me.

This was a man in a restaurant in a state I didn't live in.

A person I didn't know would never see again and there would be zero consequences if I told him no or fuck off or anything.

And instead,

what my reaction is as a women's studies major, a feminist, an attorney, and a generally person who's not afraid to tell anyone to fuck off, I said, sure, weird old man who's making my 10-year-old daughter and me uncomfortable, I'm going to give you a hug.

Like, it was so

upsetting to me for hours because I realized that my internalized need,

my internalization of my job to, no matter what the hell else is going on, no matter what the cost, to placate and make comfortable any man in my presence is so deeply embedded in me that I was willing to even model it for my daughter when I know better.

It is a poison and it is in us and we need to not be ashamed that it's in us.

We need to be ashamed that this world keeps pouring it in us.

And so don't beat yourself up.

It's just you will get

It's not you and the more the fact that you've noticed it the fact that you see it there is the first step because when it's in you you can't see it when you take it out of you, you can look at it.

And that's what you're doing, and you're on your way.

And don't question yourself and make

your comfort and your peace

on your spreadsheet.

Yes.

Let's go up top.

That was so good.

Yeah, that was really good.

And Olivia, read the Blowjobs chapter also.

It will help.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's go top.

Hi.

First of all, I just want to say thank you.

It is the biggest privilege to be alive at a time where you guys are on a podcast and we get to listen to you.

We need more of you guys in the world.

The question I have, I've been working a lot on vulnerability and changing my definition of bravery.

I think, as you guys probably all understand, the definition needs to change and change and change as our work changes.

Before it's like, come at your stuff and work on yourself.

And then it's like, how do I embody?

So I'm just interested in how has your definition of bravery changed and anything you've kind of learned from that evolving definition that we might be able to take?

Thank you so, so, so much for existing.

Wow.

Great question.

I've been thinking a lot about

who's driving the car for me.

So the last relapse I had happened right in November, right in November.

And what happens to me in relapse is that I get really scared.

That's how it starts.

I get scared somehow.

Whether it's something that's a macro in the world or micro in my life, I somehow get scared.

And if I'm not really careful,

and if I don't stay really conscious what happens is and what happens to a lot of us is when we are feel threatened

what takes over is a very young version of ourselves okay so

all of us were children in homes and in many of these homes we did not feel safe And we learned ways to respond to the feeling of not being safe, to make ourselves safe, right?

So in my particular home, there was unpredictability and a lot of control.

And it was not safe in my house to be free or to have big feelings or to grow or to have an appetite or to take up space in any way.

It was a lot of eggshells, right?

So I learned when things get scary,

shut it down, become hyper-vigilant.

Do not eat, do not rest, do not sleep, do not...

It's like when you're an animal in a plane and the way that you, when you start to feel threatened, right, you just absolutely stay hypervigilant.

And so what happened is that little self came back up and I went completely unconscious.

It took me four months.

I was on a plane on the way home from New York and I couldn't even sit in my seat.

Like my ass hurt so bad.

And it was because my tailbone

I didn't even know what was going on until my tailbone was sticking out of my body again.

Like I was so thin.

And so

here's what I did.

This is what brave is to me now.

All that happened, and all that happens to any of us when we go unconscious like that, is that we just forgot that we are adults now.

And that we don't have to use those old broken tools that our little girl self had because we have new tools, right?

We can set boundaries.

we can say no, we can refuse to be in spaces with people who do not make us feel safe.

We have a whole new toolbox.

So when I remembered that, I realized that my little girl self was driving the car.

She just was like, oh, we're scared.

I know what to do.

I know how we stay safe.

She told me all the things that we used to do in my family of origin to stay safe.

And I ended up starving, paranoid, not sleeping.

The results of all those things.

So what Brave Now is to me, is first of all not beating myself up for that, waking up, saying, oh, I know what's going on, my little girl's at the wheel.

The thing about responsible adults is that they just don't let children drive.

Truth.

Right?

Like even if a kid really wants to, even if a kid thinks they have really good ideas, like A responsible adult's like, you know what?

Like, I think you belong in the back seat where you can rest and put on your little seat belt because that's all that little girl wants anyway right

so I just pulled over took a minute

said thanks sweetheart like I know that you think that this is how we stay safe but I have some bigger more beautiful ideas for us now The good news is there is, maybe there wasn't the adult that you needed in the room when you were little, and so you had to do all those things.

But there is an adult in the room now, and it's me.

I've got us.

Right?

So I just put her in the back seat and I got in the front seat and I remembered all of my strategies and now I'm driving again.

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That's hello A L M A dot com slash hard things.

If you have two hands that are doing this, yeah, stand up.

Yes.

And if you wouldn't mind trying to walk your way to the aisle, just sorry everybody, you're going to have to stand.

And then up top, who wants it next?

Yeah, two hands who want this, like second to last row.

And then you went like that.

It's you.

That's the key to her heart.

Because of the shimmy, yeah.

Okay, go ahead down here.

Hi.

I'm going to pass out.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

So

long time listener, first time caller.

Been love.

I love listening to you guys out on tour, and it's really exciting.

What I want to know is, Amanda, what is it like for you to be out there doing your own deal?

And Glennon, what's it like to watch her?

I'm laughing about that.

Yes, because this is the first time Amanda has been on stage

and she's crushing it.

She's crushing it.

Crushing it.

What is it like, sissy?

I mean, to be honest, a couple of things about it.

I'm usually like a hyper-preparer

person,

but I started this new philosophy of holding things more loosely.

But it was right before this,

which I felt like I was like a person training for the Olympics my whole life and doing it the exact same way.

And then right before the Olympics, I was like, oh no, I'm going to just fuck around and try something else.

That's what this feels like.

But it feels like maybe a universe spirit thing because it's kind of like

well that doesn't make any sense just to go up and have faith in yourself in this context when you wouldn't even like have faith in yourself when you're like at midnight writing a report that no one's gonna read right you know

so I feel like it's kind of been an act of faith to try this but what I think is even

more so than that maybe

feels really beautiful to me because it feels like an indicia, like a proof that I really do believe that I want and deserve to change the way I live.

And that feels good to me.

Because I feel like if she can make it there, she'll make it anywhere.

Yeah, that's what I feel like.

And it's been on a more

like global way,

as opposed to like my micro way, it's been just such a damn joy and comfort for me to be in the presence of a community of people that cares so deeply and is so smart and is so engaged.

And it's really invigorating me and it's making me feel hopeful and it's making me feel really

excited about what's next because we exist.

We are here.

It's kind of like the Chavez.

I have seen the future and it is ours.

That is how I feel when I'm out here.

I'm like, I see us and I know that we are stronger than what's coming against us.

And it makes me feel really excited.

I mean, how it feels to me.

Like, I, can you, it's, it's mind-blowing.

It's like I'm back.

I'm back there.

I'm like holding my sister, who I've been doing life with since

I was three.

How did I survive those first three years?

Holding her hand, holding Abby's hand,

watching Tish sing,

watching you all receive Tish and my sister and us like you always have.

It's a

freaking miracle to me.

I I will never get over it.

I will never get over that you have,

for some reason, agreed to do life with us.

I don't, it blows my mind.

I think about it all the time.

I will, I am terrified of any sort of like promise or commitment, but I know

that I will keep showing up for you until I die.

And I will take breaks because I will lose my mind every five years.

That's what I do.

But then she'll write a book about it and that'll please you.

Right.

So it's either a good day or it's a good story, right?

Either way, it's good.

And I just,

well, one thing that I think is weird is how good she is at it right away.

Like, I just thought, I don't know, it took me, when I first started speaking on stages, I was so terrified that I would make my sister sit in a chair behind me on stage.

I I don't know if any of you

are like a true story.

I would just be speaking at like a convention.

And I would

understand how awkward this was.

I only thought of that the other day because someone said, because you said on the podcast, this is your first time on the stage.

And I saw someone who was at that event and they said, actually,

this isn't your first time on the stage because the first time I saw Glennon speak, you were on the stage.

But literally, okay, so this is, she's speaking right here,

but she tells the people, my sister needs to be there.

And they're like, Cool, your sister can be there.

And she's like, No, no, no, my sister needs to be there.

So there was a chair

that I was sitting in,

and Glennon is giving a keynote

for like 35 minutes.

True stay

while I'm sitting in the chair

with no explanation to anyone.

And then she's finished.

And then I get it.

Follow her up.

She had us do that four times.

Yeah, remember the lady who was like, I've seen you.

You were doing some weird panel where you didn't let the other person talk.

That's embarrassing.

I can't embarrass you.

Let us do that.

They're probably, why don't they say no?

You know what I mean?

You can't have someone sitting on the stage.

I feel like there's a lesson in it, which is tell us.

We can make our own accommodations.

That's true.

That's true.

Right?

Like, fine, I'll do your thing.

But I'm going to do it my way.

My sister's coming.

Like, right?

We can do.

Yes.

So

the point is

that my sister's been through a lot.

That's what the point is.

And also, y'all, like, when I'm the only one talking,

a lot of the shit's from my sister anyway.

Like, you know that, right?

Like, most of them, I'm like, I gotta be all fiery now.

I gotta say all this stuff like this.

And I'm like, I don't even know that.

Like, that's her.

So now she can say her fiery shit, and I can just be me.

And you can, it's like we're all individuating i think

that's the good idea individuating out there this is like a codependency

just uncoupling it's beautiful i'm so happy and proud of her i think that she is a like a healer in the world i think she's a leader that we need right now and i'm so excited to support her

Okay, we're gonna go up top.

First, I just want to say thank you.

This must be really emotionally draining for you to do this tour.

So I just want to say thank you for the work that you're doing.

And we see it and we feel you and we appreciate what you're doing for us.

Thank you.

I am a lawyer.

I'm the dean.

I'm a dean at a law school, actually, Santa Clara.

Go, Broncos!

I'm trying to be a captain in the save higher ed and the rule of law vote.

And

I have two two kids who are neurodivergent.

They're seven and ten years old.

And I'm the primary caregiver of my dad who has terminal leukemia.

And I am learning that I have collected really, really beautiful, deep friendships in my life, but we are spread across the globe.

And because I'm not a PTA mom and I'm not a church mom, I don't have a village that shows up with casserole

when I need it.

And so I know that this is maybe something that Glennon struggles with a little bit, and you've talked to Michelle Obama about it, but until we fix things.

As you do.

I feel like Michelle Obama would like her.

Yeah, she would.

Until we fix things,

what do the rest of us do in the meantime when we don't have a village around us to help support us while we're doing the hard things?

Thank you so much.

That's a good question.

And it's also not, it's like the people

like her who are trying to like save the legal system, which is the last bulwark we have against what's going on, who are taking care of kids who need it, taking care of parents who need it.

Those are the people who we all need support, but those people need support, but they're

by definition not plugged into the daily community because they're doing all that other stuff.

So how the hell do we fix that?

I'm just hoping Abby knows, because I know I don't know.

You have friends.

I feel like you're...

Yeah, I mean, I think that I'm feeling

in this moment of my life in my mid-40s, my parents are aging.

My kids are still in a place where they need us.

And so it's this weird time of life that you feel pulled in every direction.

and then you have this other thing that you're trying to protect the sanctity of our legal system, and we're so grateful.

I don't have answers.

I have a thought.

I have a thought.

Go.

I have a thought.

Oh, no, I thought you were saying I don't have an answer.

I'm done.

No, no, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

I was.

I did.

I said, I don't have an answer.

Was that like a period or a comma after that?

Was it like, I don't have an answer, but I'm going with this?

Please go.

Okay.

What I'm wondering, because I was like, that's a real situation you're talking about.

And I don't have an answer.

But then I thought to myself, wait a second.

You're saying you're doing all of these hard things and you need a friend and a community so they'll show up for you in the hard things.

And it made me think of myself because, okay, so I have this.

I had these good friends from college, but I don't keep in touch with anyone because it's I'm really bad at it the only people that are still in my life are the people who wouldn't let me leave literally those are the friends I have the ones who just kept were like we're not letting you escape us

and

and we were going through this situation and she was really upset with me she's one of my one of my dearest friends in the world and she was like you're not in my life

and you if you want to have people in your life you need to be in their life and I realized that like the way I thought about friendships was like okay I'm a really good like foxhole friend like if you need something if you call me in the middle night I'm gonna show up but I'm not gonna like go to dinner night or coffee or whatever the hell people do but when you need me if you call me and if you call me it better be a problem but if you call me I will fix your problem.

And that was my whole view of friendship is that like in those crisis moments, that's why we have friendship so that in the unbearable moments, people will show up for us.

And like over the last couple years, I have, because of the come to Jesus my friend had with me and she's a little scary, so it worked.

But like I realized that I had it all wrong.

That I thought You just pay the price to have a friend so that when things are unbearable, they'll show up.

And I realize now that having friends

is what makes life bearable.

It's not that they show up when it is, it's some kind of magic magnifier.

It's like you don't have the energy to have friends.

So how the hell do you have a friend?

But then you have a friend,

and somehow you have energy.

Even though they took your time and energy, you have more of it.

It's magic.

I don't, I can't

explain it, but it works, I swear.

And when I hear you talking about all the hard things that you're doing, I'm like, you deserve that kind of magic in your life.

You deserve friends, not just to bring a casserole, but to make your life feel lighter and better.

And so I think you might need to trust the magic and use time you don't have to get those friends because it won't just be casseroles, it'll be a lighterness in your life.

Thank you,

Pod Squad.

Thank you for showing up and for helping us stay human with your brave and beautiful questions.

I will never forget those moments with you on the road.

We cherished every single moment being together with you in person.

God, we love doing life with you.

We're closing this episode the same way we ended each unforgettable night with Tish

singing We Can Do Hard Things.

Until next time, I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire, I came out the other side.

I chased desire,

I made sure I got what's mine,

and I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on the map.

A final destination.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to belong.

We'll finally find

our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do a heart gain.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes things fall apart.

And I continue to believe

the best

people are free.

And it took some time,

but I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurers, and heartbreaks are map.

A final destination

lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to belong.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a hard thing.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that.

We might get lost, but we're okay with that.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find

our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

can do hard

things.