Our Most Hilarious Mortifying Moments

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Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things pod squad in the history of our time together.

I'm not sure

that we've ever laughed harder or more than when we shared with you the most mortifying moments of our life.

And then it got better because in response to our mortifying stories, you called in your most ridiculous and hilarious voicemail confessions, which if you could just have seen us, hours we spent listening to your voicemails, just peeing our pants, laughing so hard.

It was like freaking being reborn.

We laughed so hard.

We'll be forever grateful for those stories.

So our hypothesis was that sharing our most embarrassing experiences makes us feel less alone.

And

hypothesis confirmed.

It worked.

We did feel less alone and together in this ridiculous, absurd life.

So today we thought we could all use a reminder of that and we could all use a good laugh.

So listen to this episode.

When you're done laughing, please give us a call because we know you've had some more embarrassing stories since then.

And frankly, we need them.

Okay?

So call us again at 747-200-5307.

Sharing is caring.

Tell us the truth.

We love you.

Listen up.

And it took some time,

but I'm finally fine.

Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things, which is our social experiment.

It's a human experiment.

And our hypothesis here is that

we can make life for ourselves and you just a teeny smidge easier by talking about hard things.

So

that's what we are really trying to do here.

Okay.

We are actually trying

to ease your burden by talking about the burdensome things.

We're not trying to make your life harder.

So if we have been, send us a little note.

But today

we have

a real experiment to do, which is so exciting and fun.

We had Jenny Lawson on, brilliant, hilarious Jenny Lawson recently.

It was our 100th episode.

Go back and listen to it.

And she talks and writes so much about the power of humiliation, the power of sharing our mortifying moments.

with the goal of

connecting us further and making life funnier and more

universal.

And it's so funny.

And clearly we could use

some LOLs at the moment.

But also

it made me think of the Brene Brown episode where she was talking about how she talks about all of the horrible things she thinks to her kids.

Yes.

Because she thinks that normalization is the

antidote to shame.

And it's so interesting because our mortifying stories often make us feel ashamed, but sharing our mortifying stories normalizes that and is the cure to shame.

Right.

Exactly.

So that's what we're going to do.

That's our experiment.

We asked a long time ago for the pod squad to send us their most embarrassing mortifying stories.

What you need to know, pod squad, is that Abby and sister and Allison and Dina and I have been listening to these stories.

Yesterday, we could not, we weren't recording.

We weren't doing, all we were doing was listening to your stories one at a time, peeing.

Like peeing.

I haven't laughed.

You know, that kind of laugh that just like makes you feel like you're a kid again and just like, you actually are not.

Who needs a juice cleanse when you can just laugh like it?

Exactly.

It's a cleanse.

It's a cleanse.

I do think that laughing hard can be just as much of a cleanse as crying hard.

It's kind of what I figured out yesterday.

So we're hoping, our experiment is we're going to tell some of our mortifying stories.

We're going to hear from the pod squad's mortifying stories.

And we want to see if at the end of this hour, you feel a little bit

more connected, a little bit more joyful, and a little bit less sucky.

Okay?

Just a little less sucky is what we're going for.

So low bar people.

Yeah.

Okay.

So who wants to start?

Who wants to share their embarrassing stories first?

Sister, why don't you go?

I like how I was voluntold.

Okay,

so I have one that just happened a couple of months ago because it's hard to narrow down my embarrassing stories.

So I'm just going to go sequentially.

The most recent one was I was on a call with our accountant.

And

what we need to know about her for purposes of this is that she and her little doggie are thick as thieves.

Like he has airline statuses,

definitely cared for better than my children.

So we're on this Zoom meeting.

It was when I was in the process of adopting our dog, Seamus, from this rescue group that rescued Golden Retrievers.

And so we were in the process of applying to rescue him, but he wasn't actually Seamus.

He had a different name.

And she's so excited because she loves the dogs.

And so she says, what's his name?

And I, for no

ascertainable reason, proceed to go into a diatribe

in which I said,

I promise you the things I said were,

don't judge us.

This is not going to be his name.

We would never choose this name.

It's the most pretentious name I have ever heard.

I'm mortified by it.

It's dripping with waspiness.

I am allergic to this name.

So don't judge me when I tell you.

Okay.

She says, well, what's the name?

I say,

Jeeves.

At which point she pulls the dog into the Zoom screen and says,

this is Jeeves.

So

that sucked.

And so then I'm doing the thing where I am trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of just like not digging anything.

And I, if you can possibly believe it, I make it worse for all of us, including the Jeeveses.

And

that is the story of why we're getting audited this year because that's what John said when I told him the story.

He's like, why would you say any of that?

Oh my God, he's your accountant.

Like, that's the worst person you could have completely offended.

Also, his name was not Jeeves because

you can't fool me 350 times, and I am not saying it out loud again.

Because then, all y'all with the original name are going to call in and I think you should.

I think you should tell us the original name and because I actually love it, it'll balance each other out because I love the original name.

Same, I wanted a name.

If I had another, if we rescue a dog, I might name it this and tell us what it was named.

This is a bad idea.

It was Bentley.

Oh,

it was outed.

You're not allowed to out, people.

This is the 90s.

The doctor was Bentley.

And I think that's the cutest freaking name.

And I know it's a fancy car, which is why you hated it because it was a fancy car, right?

Yeah, it sounded like a frat boy who was like, I don't know.

I think I wanted

Bentley.

I want some Bentley car.

Not even Bentley.

Bentley Summers in Maine.

That's who this is.

Okay.

So.

I'll tell you, I'm going to tell you two quickly of mine.

Okay.

Okay.

So

I taught third grade for a long time.

It was the joy of my life.

Okay.

I still think I'm a teacher, just like on a very strange hiatus where I talk into a microphone.

I'm waiting to get back to the classroom at some point.

But

I taught at a school where barely any of my kids, my students, had English as their first language.

So that's an important part of the story.

A lot of them were very recent immigrants.

We did a lot of communicating by body language, by a lot of things in the beginning.

Okay.

I had this one kid.

I'm going to call him Oscar.

Okay.

Call him Jeeves.

Call him Jeeves.

I'm going to call him Jeeves.

Okay.

So his name is Oscar.

He was, we're definitely not supposed to have favorites, but one of my all-time favorite kids.

He had barely any English.

So

Valentine's Day, he comes in, he walks up to my desk.

and he says, Miss D, present.

And he's wrapped it with the construction paper from our classroom.

So it's all like smushed up.

And so what you need to know, real quick about Oscar is that he had an older brother who I loved so much and was only a few years younger than me.

He was getting involved, had some stuff going on.

But you would take such good care of Oscar and like bring him to school.

Oscar was always stealing shit from his brother.

So I opened this

construction paper present.

And it's this very thick

gold chain, like a rope rope gold chain, like heavy, heavy, heavy gold chain.

And it has this huge medallion on it.

And the medallion says, number

one

sex machine.

Number one sex machine.

Okay, now he, Oscar, I'm looking at this gold chain.

Oscar is looking up at me with the most sweetest, I mean, just precious.

Like, she's going to love this.

She probably loves gold.

The more gold, the better.

He doesn't know what the hell this thing says, right?

It's gonna be like she loves letters.

Look at all these letters.

She likes numbers.

She likes letters.

Right.

So then

Oscar says,

Are you gonna wear it?

You're gonna wear it, right, Misty?

You bet your number one sex machine asks.

Exactly.

Nobody looks at Oscar's eyes and says, No, I'm not wearing this.

So I did walk from my classroom down to PE

and then to the cafeteria with my teacher dress on my little ducklings behind me Oscar proud as shit with a gold chain that says number one sex machine through an elementary school okay

and you know the teachers who are my friends in the hallway were looking at me like huge eyes and I was just like dagger eyeing them like I dare you you just just look away just look away

they knew it was true but and the irony of number one sex machine being my gift.

That's what we should have called silent sex squeezing.

Exactly.

Number one sex machine.

Oh my God.

I just thought of another one.

Okay, what?

So when I was working at the law firm, there was this huge case that came up and there were like boxes and boxes of documents that we had to review for the.

court case and it was too sensitive to even send by a courier.

So

they sent me over to the client's office to pick up these many, many boxes of documents.

It was like a really big deal.

I was like, oh, I'm being trusted with this very,

you know, confidential, important thing.

It was only like a mile away from my office.

So I get in my car.

I drive over to the client's office, walk in, meet the general counsel.

He's very nervous about all of these things that are happening.

I'm like, don't worry, you're in great hands.

We're going to take care of you.

I have this huge dolly, like one of those not like hand dollies, but the big lie flat has two sides dollies.

And I have to take all these very sensitive documents and stack them on the big dolly.

There's like 15 banker's boxes worth of documents.

I have to take the elevator back down to the parking lot.

I'm like, rest assured, you're in the best hands possible.

You can trust us.

Okay.

And I get to the parking lot and I'm like,

hmm, I can't find my car.

That's odd.

So I'm just, I'm like, I'll go look for my car,

but I can't leave the dolly anymore

because

it's very important.

So I'm rolling this giant dolly through the parking lot and I can't find my fucking car.

It's not there.

And I have to go

all through the five levels of the parking lot.

to look for my car with this giant ass dolly.

I am seeing people like over and over again as I go up with the dolly, down with the dolly, up with the dolly.

I did this.

I am not joking you

for two hours.

Oh, two hours with the dolly.

I was just about to cry because I'm like, I don't know what to do.

I can't leave,

but I can't stay.

And I can't very well go back upstairs to the general counsel of this client that I'm just told he's in very good hands and say, I can't find my car, but don't worry.

I have an acute legal mind.

So,

after a while, I was just like, I'm screwed.

There's nothing I can do.

I can't call my law firm and say, Thanks for trusting me with this case.

Can you come help me find my car?

Dude, where's my car?

I just keep doing it.

I just keep going up and down, and up and down, and up and down.

Three hours later,

I'm not joking.

The elevator comes down to the garage.

Who steps off the elevator?

The general counsel of the company

steps off the elevator.

He's going home for the day.

He's going home for the day.

I am standing with the dolly that he has left me with three hours prior with no explanation as to how and why

this would possibly be the case.

Oh, no.

And I just had to make some shit up.

Like, yeah, I just gotta

do some legal things here with

documents for a minute.

Where was she?

I had to wait till everyone left.

I had to wait till everyone left.

For what?

Is that her car?

Trying to find my car.

Simply was the only car left.

I don't, there's no explanation for it.

It doesn't make any sense, but I swear to God, that thing happened.

It was horrible.

I'm sweating.

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Do you remember when I called Craig when I was married to Craig and I called him at work from the mall and told him we had to call the police because my car had been stolen?

And he did call the police.

And I was standing in the very place, the very small part of the parking lot where

my car should have been, except that I had just driven the other car.

That was amazing.

Y'all are the smartest, dumb people.

I know.

Yes.

That is amazing.

I know we can do hard things, but we cannot do easy things.

Oh, and one time I went to the hospital to the urgent care because Bobby had this situation that was urgent care worthy.

Right.

And I go into the line and they're trying to check me in and they're like, you know, your kid's name, your kid's birthday, all the things to look him up.

I give them all the information.

They're like, he's not in our system.

I'm like, yes, he is in your system.

He was born here like two years ago.

Check your system.

This child was born in this hospital and they're taking so long and they're saying he's not in here.

And now I'm getting pissed, right?

Because this is the urgent part of urgent care.

Like we need to get in there.

It's not just care.

Right.

I'm not looking for care at your general convenience.

I'm looking for urgent care.

Right.

So there's this whole line behind me.

I'm like getting very upset, like get your shit in a pile, people.

The people behind me are like, yeah, this is, I mean, why isn't he in this system if he was born here?

And I'm like, yeah.

So I'm getting a little vocal and they keep looking.

They keep looking.

Anyway, they finally find him and I'm like, well, thank you.

At which point they announce to me and the whole line because obviously they're very annoyed too that that is not in fact my son's birthday

oh my gosh

and that is when they couldn't find him because they didn't know his birthday wrong that's so embarrassing it is embarrassing I have a doctor story so one time when Chase was a baby he was teeny tiny he started to get this wild rash on his face.

And every once in a while, actually be on his hands too.

And it was like orange, like this orange rash, and it would go away and come back, go away and come back.

And I was very concerned about it.

And so I finally could not figure out what it was.

So I took him to the doctor.

So I'm in the doctor's office and I'm standing there with the baby.

I'm showing him, he's examining the orange face.

I'm like, what could this be?

Doctor's kind of looking at me strange, whatever.

The doctor leaves.

The doctor comes back and he looks very kind of embarrassed, you know?

And I'm like, what's, oh, God, what's happening?

And he looks at Chase's chase's face and then he looks at me and he says um

i just i want to ask you a question do you it looks like from your appearance that it's possible that you might go to a tanning salon

do you

do you by any chance spray tan do you use that spray tan and i'm just like It's not, and I'm not computing.

I'm like, why in the fuck is this guy judging me for?

It's none of your business, Doc.

Can we focus on on the kids?

I have a young baby.

I'm doing whatever it takes.

All right.

Whatever it takes to survive is what I'm doing.

And the spray tanning is the least of my problems, if you must know the truth.

So

he goes,

because the spray, it comes off.

Like the orange on your skin, I was breastfeeding Chase.

I was dying my child's face from my boob with spray tan.

I know what he was doing when he left the room.

He had to go talk to the other nurses and be like, she's infected her child with spray tan orange.

He's like, you know that orange chick that just walked in?

You're not going to believe this shit.

She's like, you know, see that fluorescent orange that's around your kid's mouth?

Have you noticed that it's the same hue of fluorescent orange that you are?

Right.

So I left and I'm like, so Craig, here's the deal.

Our kid's just going to be orange for a while because I'm not not ready to stop all right so but we don't have to worry about it well this is a good segue for because this is kind of like we're we're now easing into body functions body parts of mortifying stories and we're going to hear i think a few of them in in voicemails from pod squatters but mine happened when i was about 14 years old I got off the bus.

Oh, God, she's going to do it.

And, you know, I didn't like to go number two at school, like many of us don't.

We got to be in the comfort of our own home.

We got our one specific toilet in the house that we like to go to.

And at 14 years old, I was just assuming it was going to be like any old day.

But this day, for some reason, my bowels got moving faster than normal.

And so as I was walking home from the bus stop, I lived on a cul-de-sac.

And it was maybe a couple hundred yards walk to my house.

I thought, well, I really got to go.

And I can't run because I got to go so bad.

So, yes, that's the catch-22 of the number.

Yeah, I can't run.

You got to go so bad.

And so, what ends up happening, long story short, is I shit my pants.

I shit like full-on shit in my undies.

But, and it wasn't like die or die shit.

It was like big poo.

Ew, oh my god, we're getting so specific.

And so, I go back.

That's better.

Yeah, I go back.

I waddle

into the house

and try to get upstairs as fast as possible.

And I go into my bathroom and I get the poo in the toilet.

I flush it, but that doesn't like clean up the whole problem.

Right.

And I didn't feel like I was just going to throw it away.

And so the mortifying part of the story.

That was not it.

It's not even shitting my pants.

I don't care about that.

It's that I threw my poopied undies into the wicker trash basket.

In your bedroom.

In my bedroom.

Not even the bathroom.

And so my cousin who was living with us at the time, who was living in my bedroom, we had two little beds in there.

She calls me out on it when she gets home because my room smells like actual poo

because it's a wicker basket.

There's not even a plastic liner in it.

You put it, you just put it in an open air situation.

You're You're like, that should do it.

She goes, Abby, I have a question for you.

And I think to this day, we still have never talked about it.

Abby, I have a question for you.

Did you poop in your underwear and then you throw them out in the wicker basket?

And I was like, no.

To your grave.

I was like, no.

To the grave.

I don't know what those.

She's like, but they're your underwear.

I know what your underwear looks like.

I'm like,

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you.

This

is a case for the FBI.

Abby's finally admitting it was her underwear.

It was pooed in my pants.

I couldn't make it back.

Okay.

It's happened all the time.

I know.

And you know, when you get closer, the urge gets worse.

All the time.

It does.

Let, let ye who has not pooped your pants throw the first.

Do you remember, sister, when you, I'm just, I'm having so many mortifying flashes right now.

It's just all coming back to me.

It's all coming back to me now.

Do you remember when you were driving home from high school?

yes and in the cressida in the cressida that we used to start with a a screwdriver that none of my friends parents would let them drive in because they had sense because it was like a

trap yes yes it was um

but remember when you just

you just got stuck in traffic and you just no i wasn't stuck

You just sat in the front seat and just peed like

full on pee.

Gush.

Gush, pee.

Well, I was driving home and I did the calculus.

I was driving home from school

and there was just zero chance that I was going to make it home.

Right.

In time.

It was just, and so

I just,

I just peed.

But quick pee.

Quick Q.

Full peed.

Yes.

Did you think you could just pull off the road real quick?

No, here's the problem.

Here's the problem.

So the high school got out.

Right.

And it was one route out of the high school.

So everyone's leaving on the same road.

There's no way around around the situation.

It was like high schoolers in front of me, high schoolers behind me.

There's, there's not like a

inconspicuous place to stop.

Like I thought about it.

I'm like, I could pull over and no gas station or anything?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And like getting to a gas station was beyond the pale.

I only lived half a mile from the high school.

I couldn't even wait half a mile.

She

in her

car.

The amount of pee that goes in the toilet is what went in the crescenta, not just like a dribble.

And then the weirdest part is that you're looking, so it's it's like a um

it's like a mullet where it's like business in the front, party in the back.

It was like half of my body looked normal.

I'm like waving to people, like, hi,

have a great night, see you tomorrow.

But the other half of me is just gushed pissing all over my car.

I'm like, how weird that none of these people know I'm pissing myself right now.

What did your parents say?

Did you tell Bubba and Tisha?

I remember her telling me.

We probably didn't even get to it.

No, I'm sure I didn't.

I just, and also,

it's not like the crest could be damaged.

I probably just let it air out and got back.

Yeah, that was like the cleanest part.

Oh my gosh.

All right.

I'm going to tell my peace story and maybe even my poo story.

You have a pea story?

You have a poo story?

Can you start with that?

No.

Okay.

So.

They all have to do with my one long-term ex-boyfriend.

We're going to call him Joe.

Okay.

The first time

Jeeves.

Okay.

The first time I dealt with Jeeves,

I was very drunk.

Also all of the other times for seven years.

Every time, including the first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Super drunk.

Okay.

And so it was in college.

I slept over at his house for the first time.

And so I woke up at like 11 or something and Jeeves was not in bed anymore and the reason that jeeves was not in bed is because i had pissed like like it was like i was on a water bed like i was it was like it was like you're in the crescenta yeah it was like i was in the crescent okay i had peed everywhere and then i didn't know what to do i didn't know what to do and i was still kind of drunk and so i

real quick just gathered up all of the sheets and the blankets from the bed and I just stole all of them.

I just walked from his house all the way to my dorm.

So it was like the middle of the day and I was walking through with like my heels and my black leather pants and like a shit ton of sheets.

Yellow skein sheets because you know after a night of drinking, that shit's not hydrated.

So it's like neon yellow.

There had just never been a walk of shame that was more shameful, you know?

Just picturing you in your tube top where everyone's going out for brunch and he's carrying a comforter.

Yes.

Just a comforter.

And sheets.

And then his whole fraternity called me puddles for like an entire year.

Rightfully so.

Rightfully so.

If you pissed in the vet, I'd call you puddles.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then just, I'm going to tell the poo story just so I feel like this is, I'm, I'm, it feels just for a little background, though.

I don't and never have farted in front of Glennon before.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Because she wants to keep some things a mystery, and that's one of them.

The The mystery that maybe you're a person who doesn't fart?

Look, you mean the lie?

She wants to keep the lie?

She wants to stay attracted to me because she sees as a farter.

I think that she deems us less attractive.

So we don't talk about poop stories or fart stories.

We don't talk about farts.

You guys, I have issues with body stuff, like bodily data.

That's so odd.

I know, but isn't this...

sister?

What do you have to say about

women who have issues with body stuff?

Oh, Abby, I'm so glad you asked.

Okay, let's do our little our little five minutes of feminism.

And then we're gonna go.

It's woo-hoo.

It's woo-hoo.

It's woo-hoo.

Let's go.

Let's go, you feminist killjoy.

Okay,

okay.

So here's the deal:

mortification.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Original term is the Latin word meaning to put to death.

Wow.

This is literally

mortal.

Okay.

Yes, mortal, exactly.

Still in medical terms, mortification refers to the death of one part of your body while another part is still alive.

So it's necrosis, right?

Where like.

maybe your hand, but maybe necrosis.

She says it like that's a, that's an everyday word that we'll all know.

So

so, and this is the reason why when you have a mortifying situation, you feel like part of you has died.

Yes.

I am dead because this happened.

I am now dead.

And I actually regret the fact that the rest of me is still alive because I have to keep living in this untenable situation that I have created.

Yeah.

Continue.

But in

Christianity, mortification, it's a whole Christian tenet that is the mortification of sins and the flesh, right?

I stay with me.

I'm getting, I'm getting

so it's this concept of self-denial.

You put to death the deeds of the body in you

to repent for your sins.

So that self-denial, the discipline, it's the fasting, it's the abstinence from sex.

It's even in its most extreme form, the self-flagellation, whipping yourself.

Yeah, these are wearing hair shirts.

They used to wear hair shirts to punish

them.

Exactly.

This is all mortification of the flesh.

Okay.

And that sounds absolutely insane.

Right.

But

how is that different from

what we do, especially as women?

I'm looking at you, Glennon, when there are natural deeds of the body,

like the farting and the pooping and the peeing, all 100% natural of the flesh.

For some reason, we deny

self-denial that they are part of life.

And when they show up, we proceed to self-flagellate for being so evil as to let our bodies do what they do.

Oh my God, that's why everyone's most embarrassing stories are about like pooping or periods or farting or peeing, and they're all just totally natural.

So farting and pooping and the discussion of that is an actual act of feminism.

This is what you're saying, sister.

I am saying that the body does what the body does.

And if you have shame around the body or self-denial, like for example, that your partner farts,

then it's possible that you are trying to put to death what the body does,

which how is that any different from the self-denial?

I feel like people are going to be so mad at me about this one.

I think

they're wrong.

But I think they're going to be really mad at me for not letting you fart.

And I just want to say to the pod squad, I don't need you to be on Abby's side about it.

I know.

I know, I know.

And I'm working on being less mortified about having a body.

That's what my whole eating shit is.

And it's not about a shape of a body.

It's about having a body.

I'm mortified at these things we live inside of.

I would have designed them better.

Okay, go on with your poop story.

It's not about them being better.

It's about you being okay with them.

I know, I know.

All right.

But I'm just saying, why with all the farting and the pooping?

Okay.

Why not?

I'm saying, why not?

So I'm away.

Why not?

I'm away

with

Jeeves

years later.

Damn it.

I was hoping so bad that this is a story that I was involved in.

No, and I've never told you the story.

She hasn't pooped since she met you, Abby.

But I want you to know that I don't, I don't want to talk about the story after the podcast.

I don't want you to bring it up again.

I don't want it to be part of our familial canon.

Okay.

I just, I want to tell it one time and then I want to cone of pod

boundaries.

Right.

right it's just three of us

and several million people right that's it

that's where I'm most comfortable

okay

so I'm on vacation with Jeeves's family Jeeves's family is very fancy I am in a hotel room we have all different hotel rooms Jeeves and I have our own hotel room I have never

admitted to pooping to Jeeves.

This is not something that he knows that I do.

Okay.

Also to know Jeeves was very gross.

Jeeves had no problem pooping.

Anyway,

anyway,

I

had to poop.

Okay.

So.

Which is hard for you on trips.

Yeah, super hard.

So I go into the bathroom and I poop and I come out and I sit down on the couch.

And then Jeeves, it's a very small hotel room.

Jeeves' whole family comes in because we're all going out to dinner together.

So there's like seven people in this room.

Jeeves' mom, Jeeves' dad, Jeeves, all his little brothers and sisters.

He's got this teenage brother.

His teenage brother walks into the bathroom.

We're about all dressed up, ready to go.

His little brother busts open the bathroom and goes, oh my God, who took this humongous shit?

Left a floater.

I fucking forgot to flush the goddamn toilet.

And Jeeves Jeeves looks at me, and Jeeves is not the type to take one for the team.

Okay, that is not Jeeves.

Jeeves looks at me with

the most joy I've ever seen on his face because he wants to go look at it.

No, because he's so excited that this has happened to me.

Yeah.

Right?

He delights in your mortification.

And he just goes,

It was her.

She shit.

She shit.

And then all

Philly

just stared at me.

And I had no, I'm sweating.

I'm sweating.

I had no idea.

I'm sweating so much.

I can't.

I had no idea how to, I didn't say any words.

I just stared at everyone.

There was no ending to this moment.

No.

And truly, 80% of me died.

And the 20% shell of me had to leave that room and go to dinner.

with those people.

Maybe this is what the real issue stems from.

This is the trauma, the poop trauma.

She did it.

She did it.

So, did you flush the tour?

How did the poop go down?

What happened?

I don't know, baby.

I don't know.

I just, I went back out after that.

Yeah, I just

good job on taking a big shit.

Thanks.

Go big or go home.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm excited that I made it through that story and that time of my life.

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Do you guys want to hear some

voicemails?

Let's do some voicemails.

Okay, let's do it.

Hello, I'm calling to share a mortifying, embarrassing story.

When I was 19, I had an internship at the Met Opera Guild in Manhattan.

And I went out with a coworker.

I've never really drank before and got really, really drunk.

And she put me on a subway train to send me home at about like 3 a.m.

And I was the only one on the train.

And I was sitting there

just concentrating so I didn't miss my stop.

There was one of those ad posters in the train right across from me.

was reading it and it was a picture of a woman in like a sweater

looking forlorn out a window.

And the text said, Someone on this train has lupus.

And I read it and I looked around, and I was the only one on the train.

And I decided that it was me, I was the only one here, so it must be me that have lupus.

And I was so concerned that I like called my roommate for the time and his mom and some folks that I worked with and left messages on office phones letting everyone know that I had lupus,

which I honestly did not.

But

good time.

Someone on this train has lupus.

She sees her.

And there's no one else on the train.

Oh my God, it's me.

She called her friends.

And it said her coworkers.

She called her coworkers at 2 a.m.

and left them voicemails that she had, that the train just informed her and diagnosed her with lupus.

The train diagnosed her.

Oh my God, I love her so.

Oh my God.

And I love, I was just concentrating so I didn't miss my stop.

I relate to that part too.

Oh, God, yes.

I just don't concentrate as much as a person who can't concentrate because they're messed up.

Oh, my God.

Okay, that was amazing.

Let's hear from Michaela.

Oh, that was good.

My name is Michaela.

I was dating a man who was in the Army.

He brought me to an Army ball, and there is a segment of this ball where everyone stands up and raises a glass.

And the commissioner of the ball, they stand up there and they say a bunch of toasts.

And you have dedicated responses in your program to these toasts.

So for example, the commissioner might say, I propose a toast to the USA, and everyone says, to the USA.

And then there might be one that says, I propose a toast to field artillery.

And everyone says, the king of battle.

So there's all these responses and they're written in your program.

So I'm standing, I'm holding my glass, I am running through these responses, that in a thousand, feeling so confident, loving this, feeling like a part of something, so cool, supporting our armed forces, I'm loving it.

We get to the last toast

and the commissioner says, a toast to our fallen comrades.

And I scream out, moment of silence, because I was reading the responses in the program.

And probably 1,500 people in this ballroom looked at me with such disgust and disdain because not only had I just disrespected all of our fallen comrades, I was truly just an idiot reading out the words moment of silence so proudly.

So proud of myself for going through these posts so well.

So that moment haunts me to this day.

And I love you all, Kylie.

We love you more, Michaela.

Moment of silence.

That's something I would have done.

I agree with that.

I would have done that.

Yes.

I'm very like, I would love the order of it all.

Reading.

I've got a goal.

I've got a job.

There's one more response.

And I would have also said,

begins now.

Moment of silence.

Begins now.

That's good.

Oh, that's really good.

Can you, it's not good.

It would not be covered.

Yeah,

you better pretend that that was your job to announce the moment of silence.

Yeah, Yeah, or at least acknowledge the random lady who's dressed up at table 38.

That's her job?

I don't think so.

Moment of silence.

Also, moment of silence.

Can we just imagine the 1500 people turning and looking at this woman who has just screamed at the top of her lungs?

Moment of silence.

Oh, God.

I don't know why, but

I would have paid a lot of money to see that.

Me too.

To see that in real life.

I would have

paid a lot of money to see something like that.

I love seeing other people in their mortifying moments for some reason.

Is there like some science behind that?

Well, I think it's gratitude.

I love when people like add rigid moments like that to

like rigid things when like humanity and humor and absurdity get inserted accidentally into rigid situations.

Yeah, like when people fall.

Okay,

when people fall down in the airport, I just cannot love it more.

Obviously, no injuries.

Right.

That was the whole basis of that.

Remember America's Funniest Home video?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That we used to watch every night, and it was just random people getting kicked in the balls.

Yes.

The entire show.

That was the whole basis of that.

Do you remember?

Okay, I'm just remembering.

Do you remember when I walked around for

months in that padded bra that said, it was like a sports bra that was padded, but it had a sticker on it that said padded bra?

And I just walked around it forever.

And then I was just remembering, Remember when I moved to that new neighborhood in Virginia and they were having a potluck?

And we got a little interview.

What, not an interview,

an invitation?

Right.

I don't get a lot of them.

You have more interviews than you have invitations.

Exactly.

So it was an invitation.

And it said, bring a dish.

And so I had never been to a fucking potluck before.

And so I brought a dish, okay?

A dish.

An empty dish.

What did the host say?

Well, I do, I remember vividly the host's face because I was like, what's wrong with this person?

Like, she doesn't like my dish.

She doesn't like my dish.

Maybe I was supposed to bring a certain kind of dish.

I don't know.

But I just, that was a moment and like, you know, just say what you mean, people.

If you want a dish with food on it, say it.

If you want a dish, it feels like one plain thing.

But I just have a question.

Let's just get to the root of what did you think was going to happen with your dish?

Well, I thought somebody else was going to put food on it.

So you were just bringing like plates?

Yes.

To a serving tray, like a serving dish.

I thought maybe my job was to bring the dishes and someone else was going to bring the food.

I did my part.

That's why I don't get a lot of invitations.

Oh, God.

Okay, let's hear from our next pod squatter.

Hey, y'all.

Love the podcast.

Love, love, love it.

My name is allison seriously the most embarrassing moment of my life just happened on friday

i was at lunch with a friend from high school

and we had just finished eating and i leaned forward kind of just to lean into the conversation

and i thought i started

but no i shut in my pants i'm sitting right there my 55 year old self

not just like regular poop oh no but diarrhea Die, die.

Yeah.

And I'm sitting there and I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do?

What the fuck?

So I just leaned in.

I said to my friend, I just pooped in my pants.

I'm like, I just pooped in my pants and I don't know if I can get up.

So I got up

and

like fulfilled to the bathroom quickly.

And of course, there was a line.

And I got in there and sure enough, there it was.

I threw my underwear away in

the trash can.

And you can see poop on the back of my pants.

Like my pants were wet.

So I'm like, what the fuck?

So I'm like pulling my shirt down.

I go back to the table.

I'm like, girl, I got to go.

I just left.

She paid for my lunch.

I just freaking left.

I have a long purse, put it, covered my ass, and

just like got out of there.

I've never done that in my life.

I've almost pooped in my pants, but never like this.

Have a great day.

Never like this.

I hope the trash can was not wicker.

All right, let's hear from Ann.

Hi, this is Ann from Minnesota, and I am calling to tell you one of my most mortifying moments.

This was years ago, and I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and it was a really intense movie, but I was dying for popcorn.

So I was sitting on the end of the row, and I...

snuck out and got my popcorn and came back in and got in my seat and kind of cuddled up and was looking at the movie And I started to feed him some popcorn and play footsies and just catch up on the plot.

And then all of a sudden I noticed that my boyfriend was sitting three or four rows ahead of me.

I was actually sitting down by some random guy who was all of a sudden

more interested in me than the movie.

So I was so mortified, I just dropped the popcorn and left the movie theater.

Didn't work out with that guy, but boy, it's a fun story years later.

Go.

So good.

Okay, that reminds me the wrong dude just reminded me of something that i'm going to admit right now okay

so during my drinking days i was out at night with a bunch of friends and i decided to take a cab to my boyfriend's house so i had the cab i told the cab driver my boyfriend's address i got delivered to the door But when the door opened, I realized that I had gone to the wrong boyfriend's house.

This was my old boyfriend from like from like

a year before.

And I had forgotten that I wasn't dating him anymore.

I had forgotten I had a whole new boyfriend.

Okay.

And then, do you know the worst part, the most mortifying part?

You stayed there, didn't you?

I just fucking stayed there.

Oh, what?

I just stayed there.

I was like, I slept with the old one.

Oh, my.

I was like, well, you know, I don't want to make this awkward.

I'm just going to act like I came here on purpose.

I came here for a reason.

He looks happy to see me.

Let's just do this.

And I need a bed.

I just need to go to bed.

So, yeah, I slept with him that night.

Oh my gosh.

So, like the popcorn story, but just like much sadder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the difference is you saw it was the wrong boyfriend, and you were like, oh, fuck.

A guy

didn't know

when she was putting popcorn into the mouth of her boyfriend that it was, in fact, a a sprayer.

I know, I got sober.

Okay, it's fine.

It's all well that ends well.

Jeeves was delighted.

Okay, let's go with Andrea.

Andrea.

This is Andrea.

I was in a public stall.

My door wouldn't lock.

And so,

you know, I was doing the balancing act of trying to hold the door closed and go to the bathroom.

But, you know, you can't hold it the whole time.

Before I knew it, another woman had come in to my stall, not even seeing that I was there, and pulled her pants down and sat on me.

No.

It was mortifying.

I don't know who it was more embarrassing for, me or her.

But yeah.

I mean, I can only imagine a little tinkle had to have come out.

I can only imagine.

God.

I mean,

a stranger naked woman sitting on your body.

But you're not noticed that somebody, maybe she was drunk.

Oh, I could.

No, you would, you could totally do it.

Sometimes you're just back in there.

just, yeah, that's true.

You back in there.

You totally could it, but I.

I would never walk into a stall without looking in first.

No, that is true.

That is a truth.

Maybe she was drunk.

Maybe it was me.

Maybe it was me that speaking

sat on Andrea.

Yes.

I'm going to need Andrea.

Please, for the love of God, can you call back in and give us the rest of that story?

Because what I need to know is when said

naked woman who's sitting on top of you realizes that she is not sitting on on a toilet, but sitting on you.

Yes.

What happens next?

Yes.

I need to know more.

How do you recover from that?

Are you just like, oh, excuse me, sorry.

And then she stands up and pulls up her pants and then leaves the restroom.

A lot of mortifying moments end in no language.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like it's not mortification, it is not something that can be explained.

It needs to just die.

It needs to breathe.

You have to pretend that it never happened.

And

you do have to pretend.

Right.

That's right.

Right.

It's just you don't explain it.

That I remember pre-COVID landing at an airport and getting into my Uber, putting my

suitcase in the back seat, jumping into an Uber and saying, thank you so much for picking me up.

And the woman saying,

I am not an Uber.

I am waiting for my sister.

You got into a

random person's car.

Right.

And then the best part is I was like, oh my God.

I am so sorry.

And started to get out of the car.

And she goes, that's okay, Glennon.

No.

Yes.

She She knew it was you.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes.

So good.

Okay, let's hear from M.

My name is M, and I work in a workplace where we have security guards.

And I've worked there for many, many years.

So these security guards know me really well.

And a few years ago, I was leaving from work and going to the airport to visit a lover.

And I had my suitcase with me.

And in my suitcase, I had a strap-on, otherwise sometimes referred to as a dildo.

There it is.

And I put my suitcase through the metal detector and these guards that I know very well said, ma'am, can you tell us what this is?

And they pointed right to the strap on and I held my shoulders back and in a very calm voice I said yes.

that is a prosthetic penis.

And I took my suitcase and I walked very calmly to the elevator where I

melted into a puddle of laughing and crying and embarrassment.

So that is my favorite strap-on story.

Thank you.

Favorite strap-on story.

That means she has a lot of other strap-on stories.

Oh my God.

I love this straightened my back and said, yes, that is a prosthetic.

penis exactly okay i got i have i have a little story that that i need to tell so i I was traveling.

Do you have a favorite strap-on story?

I don't have a favorite strap-on story, but this is a similar kind of story that I think might fall in the lines.

I was traveling via plane.

And so, of course, you know, you have to go through metal detectors and security.

And I was just doing carry-on.

So I had a roly carry-on bag.

And this happened to be like kind of a small airport.

So they actually went through the whole bag, right?

And I didn't anticipate this.

And I was bringing, I brought a vibrator with me on the road, wherever it was I was going.

I think I was actually in like Birmingham, Alabama.

So this sweet older TSA agent, he starts going through my bag and finds my vibrator.

So he pulls my vibrator out and he says, what is this?

And I said, it's a vibrator.

And he said, what does it do?

And I say, it vibrates.

And so he turned it on.

And it starts vibrating.

And his coworker walks over and catches this moment happening.

And he's like, oh my God, I am so sorry.

Oh, my god turn that off put that back you know

and i'm not the kind of person that gets embarrassed about stuff like this

pro vibrations true

you have high vibrations high infrequence but i was mortified in some ways for this older gentleman for for me to walk away and then him to get told what it was on the upside he now knows that vibrators exist and his life has gotten better so right i bet security people see a lot yeah that's okay a lot of people.

Yeah, a lot of mortifying moments in that line.

Okay.

All right.

We have some write-ins.

Great.

That we have to.

Okay.

All right.

Top 10 of the write-ins that y'all send in.

Yes.

I once tried to flirt with a boy at work and accidentally concussed him.

Boom.

My mom caught me practicing kissing with an Abercrombie and Fitch shopping bag.

What?

Talking on the phone while asking target employees to help me find my lost phone.

Yes.

I'm a 37-year-old woman and I shit in my car in a takeout container at a red light last week.

Last week.

Yes.

So good.

Opened my Mac in front of my date and it was a how to have lesbian sex YouTube video.

A male co-worker came upon me while I was masturbating in a work vehicle.

Oh, that's hard to say.

Hard day.

I pooped my pants during a job interview.

I didn't get the job.

I saluted my bosses' bosses after they observed me.

I am not in the military.

Until college, I thought a brothel was a potluck.

I learned when I offered to host a brothel.

I was having sex for the first time and he pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my butt.

Oh,

bugs.

Oh.

All right, I want to say this.

I feel two things.

I feel that for me, the experiment has worked.

I feel closer to everybody, every single woman who has shared their stories here.

What about this woman?

Yes, to you also.

What about can we fart now?

I think we should talk about it another time.

Okay, I just want to open the farting floodgates and then we're going to be talking about it.

If not, now when, if not, who, you?

Okay.

Um, I do want to suggest one thing for our next right thing.

Fart.

Um,

I feel strongly about M's response when the guards asked her what her strap-on was.

Her whole response, the squaring of her shoulders,

the looking those men in the eye, the saying,

yes, that is a prosthetic penis.

And so I think we were just talking about how there's a silence.

after every mortifying moment.

And I think it could be a forever kind of mocking J-S bat signal for the pod squad that whenever we get to the end of a mortifying moment, we just say in that moment, no matter what it's about, why, yes, that is a prosthetic penis.

That's good.

So just start saying that.

If it's a mortifying moment.

Do you know what I mean?

I think that's how we get out of it.

That's the language we have now that we didn't have before.

Well, thank God.

Yep, we've got it.

I just can't wait to do it.

I know, right?

Aren't you almost hoping to be mortified?

So you can say it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you are now part of the mortification club.

Also, I seriously, we haven't talked about this, but I think we should keep collecting these stories over time.

When something mortifying happens to you, please call it in.

I think we should do one of these shows every six months.

It's just good for the soul.

Well, it's fun for us too.

Like, we've laughed so much over the last couple of days.

And I think

for us, we needed this.

Like, fuck this world, like, we needed this big time.

Yeah, we need to laugh.

And I do want to say, I just, let's just start with one fart and see how it goes.

Can I do it now?

No, we're on the air.

So here we go.

We're ending the show.

We love you forever.

And we'll see you here next time.

And I'm working on this shit.

I don't want anyone to be mad at me or write me mean letters.

I know that it's not right.

And I'm working on it.

I'm just am what I am.

Okay.

I love ya.

God bless ya.

Why, yes, it is a prosthetic penis.

Send us your mortifying story.

It's part of the revolution of normalization.

It is 747-200-5307.

That's mortification at 747-200-5307.

It vibrates.

And don't send us your actual prosthetic penis.

We already have some.

That is just a general term we are using for mortification.

Love you, Mina.

Bye.

I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire, I came out the other side.

I chased desire,

I made sure I got what's mine.

And I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on map.

A final destination

we lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to belong.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do a heart pain.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes

things fall apart.

And I continue to believe

the best

people are free.

and it took some time.

But I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurers, and heartbreaks are map.

Our final destination

directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to renown.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a hard pain.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that.

We might get lost, but we're okay with that.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

do

hard

things.

We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios.

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