Amanda’s Diagnosis & What’s Next (Pt. 2)

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Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things.

If you have not listened to the previous episode, you are going to want to before

you listen to this one.

Sister,

in case people are going to disobey me and not listen to the episode.

Woe to those who disobey you.

Woe unto them.

I mean, truly woe to them because they don't know what's about to hit them.

But

can you, in just a quick sentence, tell us what we are continuing to talk about today?

Yes, we are continuing to talk about the fact

and

the

effect of me learning

three weeks from when we are recording this that I have breast cancer and that I will be having one week from right now a double mastectomy in an effort to remove all of the cancer from my body and

that God willing that

mastectomy will do all the work that we need to be done.

And if not,

there will be other steps to take, including removing lymph nodes, possible radiation, possible chemo, possible endocrine therapy, et cetera,

to

take care of it.

And that

the prognosis is very good.

And that whether this is a little blip or a longer period, that

all systems say we're going to be all set, you bet, after a hot minute of going through what we'll need to go through.

So we're just talking about, we talked a lot about the logistics in the last episode and some of the

deep,

big questions that this has got you thinking about.

And

right after we stopped recording that one, we started talking offline, off recording, I don't know, private beef tape, whatever, about what we're going to do next in terms of

sharing, in terms of what we're going to share with you, the pod squad, and what we're not going to share.

And it turned into a very interesting conversation about

how to walk through this

as a public person.

And that opened up a lot of other questions.

So,

Abby said, There's so many people going through this and going into surgery.

Like, maybe you should talk about it right before.

And then,

my perspective on that, there's a cost to that.

Like, I don't care what anyone says because I've been doing it.

I know that there's a cost to double living, double consciousness.

So, like, you're preparing for yourself to go into surgery, and then you're also thinking, what am I going to say about this experience going into surgery?

I don't recommend that for you right now.

Knowing the cost of it, I think if you have a couple thoughts pre-surgery that you're like, this is a moment, shot it down.

I just don't want you to have a double consciousness going in.

I just feel like it's bullshit.

You need all your energy.

What are your thoughts about?

It's a big question.

Like, how

I have friends who are artists who find that

when they have hard experiences,

making meaning out of it and sharing is how they get through.

I sometimes feel like

I tend to avoid

my own process of things

by making things and giving that to other people.

Like that can be an avoidance of presence and experience.

By making meaning of things?

By every single thing that happens, thinking, oh,

well, this this is just the universe has given me more shit that I can spin into gold.

And

if I turn this into a story and share it,

then I will be fixing pain.

Lemons.

How I fix pain is spinning it into gold, giving it to other people.

That is the art and service as therapy model, which I can say

has not worked for me completely.

So, completely, I think, is an important word.

Right.

So, I'm wondering

what you think would be of best service to you.

Well,

first of all, I think when we stopped recording that first episode,

it just felt like that's wild.

It's been three weeks of non-stop talmut

and

drama and

fear and anxiety.

And then we're just like, okay, that's the story in 45, 50 minutes, whatever the hell that was.

And it just feels like, that can't be right.

Like, it was so much more than that.

We should say more.

And so

that's part of why I asked you to if we could get on to talk about it from where we are right now, not ready.

And

because

I remember you talking about your diagnosis and

from the messy middle, you called it, Glennon, and that

talking about how you weren't ready to talk about it, but that you wanted to talk about it because so few people talked about it from the part where you didn't yet know what you wanted to say.

And I feel like that

I wanted to do for this and also relates exactly to what you're talking about right now, which is that

by saying something about it,

you are necessarily changing it.

And I don't think that applies just to

people who are public people or people who

have

a lot of people listening to them.

I truly believe that it happens to every single person who

has

news that they share with others.

So, I think what we're talking about, it's just on a bigger scale right now because of the platform that this podcast is.

But I believe because I've experienced it over the past several days that

probably anyone with a cancer diagnosis, anyone with a big

loss

in their lives

that then has to tell their families and their neighbors and their friends and their community about it

is doing

what you're talking about right now

because

there's something that happens in the curating and repackaging of whatever you're going through

and presenting it in the way that you decide to present it to people outside of your body

that is

claiming it to be a certain way

or a certain thing or a certain brand or a certain tone

that is defining in some ways of what your experience is.

And as soon as you define your experience

for outward consumption,

is your internal experience then adopting

that narrative as the truth?

Yep.

And it's not at all true,

I would guess in the vast majority of cases, including mine,

that I consulted my internal experience

before determining what would be packaged

as my description of what I was going through.

Yes, I get that.

It's you do it the other way around.

That's it.

I will create the narrative.

I'm not even consulting my body or reality.

I'm in my brain, create the narrative, then we all revolve around that narrative.

I don't even know if it's real.

Right.

Yeah, and it could be very real.

It could be real, but it could not be what is your truest, realist experience inside of you, because by definition,

we are not all having it.

You're presenting something to the community.

God willing, if you have a community, I'm very blessed to have a community that wants to support me, that wants to love me, that wants to be there for my kids, that wants to be there for me and John.

I want that.

I'm grateful for that.

And we are collectively having a community experience, which is, you know, that is the gift that Wendy gave us.

That is a powerful force in life and one of the greatest forces in life.

It is different

fundamentally.

from an internal experience of something.

Wendy wasn't having

our communal experience of her cancer journey.

She was having the reality of cancer in her body overtaking her body that she knew would take her off the planet and take her away from her son.

Those are two,

they were in parallel, but they were not the same.

And so I have caught myself

over the last couple of days because out of necessity needing to

and wanting to, very much wanting to bring my community into this

to

talk about these things, to destigmatize these things, to avoid people hearing these things from anyone other than me, who I very much care about,

that

confusing

that this experience that I am presenting to you and that you are now participating in is my experience of this.

Yeah, I get that.

And I think that I could neglect

or

kind of bury over the reality that there's a very different experience that will be required by me to experience

separate from

the one that John is having, the one that my kids are having, the one that y'all are having, the one that my parents are having, the one that my friends are having, the one that my community is having.

That I cannot adopt those experiences as my own.

And that I need to figure out what mine is.

Is that the,

it's like we keep coming back to that, like that's the terror of this, is just the aloneness and the absolute impossibility of merging experience with anyone, even the people closest to you.

I mean, I think if you're lucky enough to have people super close to you that are not full of fear and not in survival mode about how the hell are they gonna

deal without you, like you and Abby have been so amazing with, we've already made in the last couple of weeks some very dramatic decisions about

dictated by this in terms of the projects that we had scheduled that we canceled,

the decisions that, as far as like

what takes incredible amounts of time in our lives that

isn't healthy

for us anymore.

And

that

you're bringing that to me as an offering to change

the way that we're living has made me feel very, very not alone.

I think there's a very real

part that is very, really connected.

And that can be so powerful.

And that has been to me, like that gives me hope and joy and relief.

Good, because I do spend some time worrying if you're going to feel like I'm taking control from you, like I'm canceling things.

And you're, I've been very concerned about what's the right amount of

doing this.

I know it's good

without

making you feel even less control because this is a very vague loss of control time for you.

I think you've navigated it really beautifully.

I mean, I think you've said, here's my intentions.

Here's what I want to do.

I'm not cutting you out.

You can be involved in

this if you desire to be, but.

These are the two decisions that I would like to make in terms of these projects and whether they continue.

And do you agree?

That has been the perfect balance for me.

And I would not have brought it up, but I knew when you said those things that it felt like a wash of relief in my body and the fact it felt like, oh, it could be different.

The after this could be different.

And I think the after this needs to be different.

In what ways?

And I also want to talk about, since we're being so brave in talking about things in real time,

there was a moment in the last episode where I said to you,

there's two parallel paths this is going on.

And

one is logistic and one is emotional.

And then you got upset about that because it felt to you.

And I probably presented it as a way that when you said you weren't processing emotionally and I was very surprised by that, you felt like I was saying you were doing it wrong.

I want you to know that that was actually how I had in my head structured these episodes.

Like I thought the first episode.

You're like, fuck, we're not going to have any material for these episodes.

We haven't done any processing, lady.

That was in my brain this morning.

Like, oh, great.

Okay.

So we've got these two parallel things.

And the first one episode, we will talk logistic.

And I wasn't trying to stick to that.

I wasn't saying enough, but that was in my brain, a way we could organize it.

And so in that moment when you said i am not processing emotionally if there was something on my face that made you feel like i was shaming you for it

what i was thinking was hi i wonder how this is gonna go right right right well you said are you serious you're not so you're not processing you're not processing at all then emotionally and yes i do

i mean if you listen back to that part of the episode, it got my Irish a little bit up because I'm very defensive of myself right now, now, always, and so right now.

And I think that there,

yeah, I think broadly, the idea that there's like a right way to do

any of this,

I don't want people to feel.

And then specifically,

I do feel like there's a little bit of this narrative

of,

well,

I don't even know how to say this.

Kind of like when something like this befalls someone,

there's a weird little kind of like penance thing

that happens, almost like penance, especially if you're someone like me who has worked really hard and maybe at the detriment of your mental and physical health and maybe not

paid as close attention to some things

and may or may not have said at certain times in the past, if I keep working this hard, I'm going to get cancer, that there is

an expectation

and almost obligation

that you will start

writing

those ways of living that have gotten you here.

I see that.

Like it's your fault?

I mean, sort of, but no one would say that.

And I don't feel that.

And I also know that there's thousands of vegan ultra marathoners that are getting diagnosed with cancer every hour.

So that is not what I mean.

I'm speaking from a very personal space.

And like Glenn, and you said it to John and me in my bedroom, like if you, this is an opportunity, this is a time.

If you don't take

good look at every aspect of your lives and make sure it's what you want and what you

intend, then you are missing this moment and missing this opportunity.

And

I believe that.

I do believe, and that's why I'm grateful that we're cutting things out.

And that's why I want to be super intentional and responsible for my own life and what I'm doing and making sure it's what I want going forward.

And in that moment

in the last episode, when you said, are you really not processing your emotions with a surprise?

I was putting it in that camp of like,

you're doing the thing where you're avoiding what's important and going with your to-do list.

And that is doing it wrong.

And that is missing the opportunity of this moment and what you need to be doing.

That is where my head went in that moment.

Yeah, I can definitely see that.

Also, I am judgy And there is a dynamic that I feel you feel, which is that I

that you think that

you think that I think that you're doing things wrong.

And so when I offer

ideas or questions, that there's an undercurrent of judgment in them, which I'm not saying there's not.

So that is what happened, right?

Yeah, that is what happened.

And I think the part of me that's like dealing with all of this stuff, and again, I know you're dealing with it as much as anyone could possibly deal with it who wasn't me.

So I don't mean it as this, but the suggestion of like, what I felt was, how could you possibly be navigating this time and be failing to address your emotional reality was a little bit like, fuck all the way off.

I am doing 1,000 things in the course of a couple of weeks to prepare my family, my life, my community, and my body for major

reversible surgery and the aftermath thereof.

You know, so yeah, my emotions will come.

And I also, you know, and it's also in the backdrop of I know that that is

a very real thing.

And I've talked to my friend Christine, who we talked about on the pod where she had that special event to thank people for helping her and her husband through the heart stuff.

And she asked me how I'm doing.

And a lot of people have done that.

I'm like,

I don't have any idea.

I don't have any idea how I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing, but I don't know how I'm doing.

And

she said, well, that's good.

You know what you're doing, but you don't know how you're doing.

That's really good.

What did she say?

Does she have any help for us about that?

She just said, it sounds like you are going through exactly in the stages that we went through, where it was like, what needs to be done?

What do we need to do to save ourselves?

What are the questions that need to be answered?

What are the resources we need to line up?

What are the things now we go in and get our stuff done?

And she said it was really, really hard after

because all of that sadness and fear and anxiety and all of the things that are no doubt happening because they have to be at some level were kind of like saved up in a little box for after

got through that initial period.

And then it was really hard.

And I'm sure

the design of that really sucks because you're at this period where everyone's like, can I help?

I understand.

This is your two weeks of grace.

Exactly.

That's what the world is giving you.

Tick, tick, tick.

But then you're really sad and mad on weeks seven through nine.

But like your grace has run out.

The community and the people in your life, there's a statute of limitations.

No more casserole for you.

No more casseroles for you during that time.

Exactly.

Can I just say one thing?

Yes.

Well, two things.

I'm so proud of you, sister, for telling us that that moment made you feel

something.

To me, like that shows like this time, like there's actual growth happening, that there's like a boundary you you are holding for yourself, which is like so fucking beautiful.

And

in Glennon's defense,

I just know that the judgment is the thing that covers up her fear and need to control to keep others and the people she loves safe.

And it's so interesting because I've dealt with this,

I don't know, this covered up judgment my whole marriage with Glennon.

And as soon as I talked this through with my therapist, it was kind of a life-changing moment because every time I hear any sort of judgment, I just think, oh, Glennon's a little baby.

And she's scared.

And that's the truth of this.

So, like, good job for saying something.

I totally get it though.

Cause you're right.

Like, it is true that it will be those things are there and it will be scary and it will be bad when I have to face them.

Maybe.

Or maybe it'll be great.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe it won't be bad.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't think I believe in bad and good.

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What do you want to talk about next?

I have some hopes.

Oh, great.

I mean, not to be

very

oversimplified and ridiculous.

This is the part of the plot where the bad thing happens and changes everything and opens a door where she can see things she never could see before.

And thank God for that.

I know that that is all ridiculous, but I hope.

That things will be different for me.

I've just been thinking how

amazingly

ironic it is that,

as a lifetime optimizer

of

getting the extra edge

and going for that last 5%

to make things as good as they can be,

that I just have this feeling

that that last five or ten percent of my life won't

be there.

And

I don't know that that is true,

but it could be and

when you're diagnosed that early

you know that's why people who are diagnosed when they're 60 when they're 70 whatever, it's like, okay, you're going to catch me at 15-year recurrence.

You know, good fucking luck.

I'm going to be fine.

And no, like,

I'm not taking away anything from those people.

I'm just saying statistically,

you're in better stead.

It's ironic because you think the younger you are, the more likely you'd be like, yes, got it.

But because of the unrelentingness

of

cancer, it's just a little scarier the earlier you get diagnosed.

So anyway, if that's true,

I guess I just want to think

differently about my plans and my

horizon living of where I've always been like,

okay, when the next,

you know, we'll get through this three years of this plan,

then we'll have that next plan, then

on and on forever.

I just maybe want to

not think a lot like that anymore

and just kind of

figure out what I want, figure out what I makes me feel good

that isn't

a response to someone else being pleased

that I met their need.

And I guess just

be

responsible for my experience

and what I want for my experience.

And just like little,

little and big ways.

I mean,

last night, Alice couldn't really sleep.

And

this morning she woke up and she was talking about how

anxious she was about her one-mile run

you know the

one mile worst day of the year yes it's the best day of the year everybody loved me she

has only been lamenting the one mile run coming for you know three weeks or whatever it is it's my girl and i'm like baby do you think that that's part of why you couldn't sleep last night

and

she was like

oh maybe

And she kept being like, they have to take a bus to the high school to do the mile mile run there from the elementary school.

And she was like, I'm just worried that I'm not even going to be able to finish it, that the buses will have to leave before I finish because I think it's going to take me a really, really, really long time.

And I was like, that's fine.

The buses won't leave.

You just, who won the race?

Did the, did the hare win the race?

And she's like, the tortoise won the race.

And so we

just reviewed that.

And then I was sitting there working on something for work this morning.

And I was like, I was just imagining her like so stressed out

doing her little race.

So I just like got in the car and drove to the

high school.

And I saw her like running around the thing.

And she was one of just like a few kids left.

And there were like some other parents there and they were just like waving at me.

And And I know, like, when I usually go to things, people like

want to talk to me and stuff.

And I was just like,

I have no time for any of you.

I don't want any of you getting like an ounce of my energy.

I just want to find her on the track.

And so I was like, I was able to run over on outside the fence.

You couldn't go on the track, but like run over on the outside of the fence where she was

coming around the bend.

And she looked up and saw me, and she got

this huge smile.

And

she like gave me a thumbs up, and then she started like running faster.

And I just like

ran on the outside of the fence while she was running on the track, like

the last lap.

She had, when I saw her, she was like, This is my last lap.

And I was like, You can do it, you can do it.

I'm so proud of you.

You can do it.

And I was like, just running,

tracking with her on the outside until she got to the finish line.

And then

she was like done with me then.

She was with her friends.

And she like ran and hugged all her friends.

And

then I left.

And I was just like,

I just want,

just want all the years of that.

You know, I just want to, I know I'm not going to be able to like do

anything for them, but I just want to be like

there to like

go beside them and

see them, see how hard they're trying and see how much they're

doing and

doing it with them as much as I can and just telling them how proud I am of them and

then letting them

forget about me and be happy with their friends.

And

I don't know.

There was something about this certainty that I was walking up and just like not even making eye contact or engaging with anyone else.

And I was like, I'm here for my daughter.

Like, I need to find her.

And she's getting all of my energy, and none of you are.

And

I just think I want more of that, like

not giving away my energy unless I want

it to go somewhere.

Yep.

That sounds good.

It's almost like, what have we been doing?

It is almost like that, Abby.

It's almost exactly like that.

Just like, what are we doing?

To be fair,

I think this is the process, right?

Yeah.

You know what's so fucking weird is I've been, I was started reading even before, randomly, totally randomly, even before

the biopsy.

And because I'm such a fucking slow reader, I'm still in the process.

But Richard Rohr's falling upward.

And it's all about first half of life, second half of life.

And it's making me feel a lot better because it's like you can only have the realizations and the wisdom of the second half of life.

because you've done the first half of life that way.

Yep.

And that it's all about first half of life is about survival survival and identity and ego and protection and building and building.

And the second half of life is all about burning it down because you don't need it anymore.

It is the stuff that

you built up because you needed it.

And because now you're here,

not only do you not need it, you need it to go away.

That's right.

But it's not that you were doing it wrong.

Like, it's not like this part of life comes,

and

the one way to look at it would be, oh my God, what have we been doing?

Yeah, look at the opportunity cost of those 40 years.

If I'd just done those differently, think of how amazing I'd be.

And that's not it.

And in fact, I actually think that people who are addicted to anything, people who are really addicted or committed to

the building and the protecting and the achieving and the collecting and the

controlling like we all have been

that the next part of life can be even sweeter because

it's like the absolute value yeah yeah it's like the intensity with which you did that can be the same intensity with which you dispose of all of that and maybe that That's what I think people are trying to say.

And what I was saying of like

that

horrific word of opportunity, like that's, I think, what people are getting at.

The peace with which we have been quitting things in the last three weeks

without angst, without any of the stuff that would have come before this diagnosis, is what I mean.

It's like such

clarity or something.

I was just thinking, it is the gift of clarity.

Clarity is the one thing.

It can be real good news.

It can be real awful news.

It can be real scary news.

But if there's there's clarity in any of that news,

that is a rare and beautiful thing because

that's what messes us up is a lack of clarity about

what we need, what we want, what needs to be done.

And when you have clarity, you can kind of get through whatever is the consequences of it, the

unfortunate byproducts of it, all of it, because the clarity is what has you

continuing down the path regardless of those things.

So I do think clarity is huge.

And I, I think that this has helped that a lot.

Got the image of Alice and then not giving your energy to the other people and just

running beside her.

Like, holy shit.

Talk about clarity.

Did she feel so relieved when she crossed the finish line?

Did she cross the finish?

She did.

She did.

She did.

She did cross the finish line.

I think she did.

She ran over and got her water and hugged her friends.

And I was like, awesome.

And then she and a couple of her friends just like ran over and waved to me and then I left.

But

yeah, she did it.

I think it was important for both of us.

Felt good.

And also just the.

I don't know.

I was thinking about driving over and I was, there are so many parents that were there because their kids are runners.

They're really good.

And they want to see them break their PR or break the elementary school record or break.

And I was like, I'm going there to cheer my kid who is going to be one of the last

two or three people in this race.

And like,

I don't give a fuck.

That's what I want is to be like, that's my kid.

I'm here for that one, you know?

You got to teach Alice the word penultimate.

Ms.

Gilbert came over and taught Tish the penultimate.

penultimate oh that would be good penultimate means the second to last but it sounds so good yeah tish was was forced to be part of running okay in elementary school and if i could say to you the sentence that tish is not a runner it's just like

i mean it metaphorically i mean it literally i mean it yeah so it was a bit of torture for her and she'd always be

Second to last.

Yeah, it was her middle school.

It was her middle school teacher who always forced her to run cross country.

Right.

And at one point, Liz Gilbert was at our house and Tish was just talking about the absolute misery and humiliation of it.

And Liz, as Liz does, fixed it and said, here's what I want you to know.

I want you to know the word penultimate.

Okay.

It means the second to last.

All I need you to do is finish these races second to last.

And then when people ask you how it went, you will say to them, I finished penultimate.

They will not know what it is and they will be too embarrassed to ask you because you're a child, but they will think that you had a glorious finish because it's a fancy ass word.

Yeah,

Alice is likely penultimate.

And does that mean that the last person, if it's penultimate, is second last, the last person is ultimate.

They are the amazing.

I finished ultimate.

So maybe if you're penultimate, you want to just lag a little bit so you can say you're the ultimate.

Exactly.

The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.

Yeah.

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We're going to circle back before we end to what we started talking about, which is

when do you think you want the people to hear from you again?

You know, I think I want to

share as much as I possibly can from

the education piece of this.

I don't want any more lady part cancer discussions.

People need to know their history.

They need to know their parents' history.

We owe it

to our people to say

the words and destigmatize the words that are our body parts that we're dealing with medically.

I want to share all the learnings of this because it really is too hard to learn it on your own.

I also want to walk through the emotional reality of it as much as I possibly can,

while also making sure I maintain a distinct personal experience of this so that I don't have the pod squad in the community is having this experience, and that is my experience.

Like, I need to make sure that I can maintain an authentic, real,

metabolized

individual personal experience and

communicate and be part of the communal one, or else I can't have the communal one because I, it's really important that I be in my body with it eventually.

That's good.

It's like living it inside out as opposed to outside in.

Yeah.

And it is tricky.

I mean, I think, you know, relaying even the word like, I have to relay the information.

I mean, relaying is like a relay, right?

You're like, I have the baton, I'm passing it to you.

Now you have have it.

You're giving it and you're actually not giving it.

People are helping you carry whatever the thing is that's outside of you.

No one is helping you carry the thing that is inside of you.

They can't.

They want to and they can't.

So like you've got to figure it out.

I've got to figure it out.

I haven't even fucking gotten close to figuring out.

I haven't even had a good cry except for the penultimate runner.

And

I haven't figured it out, but I do know enough to know that it is a fiction that all of these beautiful people that are showing up in my life and wanting to help me cannot

do the part that is only mine to feel and to do.

And I can see why that would get very confusing.

I can see why casseroles and beautiful notes and love and plants and all the amazing things that if you're lucky enough to have people, they bring you could make you feel like,

look, we're all doing it.

We're all getting through it.

And I just have a hunch that there is

something else that

I gotta

dive into.

Last night at the dinner table, our youngest was

in a bit of an existential crisis about how unbelievably difficult being a teenager is, including school, including competitive sports, including friends, including all of it.

She's talking about school and how hard and relentless it is.

And I was doing the thing where I was,

I just fucking can't take it.

I just can't take it.

Like when they're suffering, you can't take it.

When they're suffering, when they're suffering, I just, my educated, emotionally aware parenting expert response is, let's just fucking move to Hawaii and not do school.

This is just, we're not doing this right.

Like a more like, I can fix this if I just have the right plan or the right approach.

And so I was saying the things, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And Amma just paused.

And I could tell she wasn't even paying attention to me.

She was having an internal epiphany and she goes,

oh my God.

I don't think I can get out of this.

I think I just have to do this.

And it was like this moment, right, babe?

She was like, look at these people flailing about me.

They can't help me.

Yeah.

They don't even know we can't get out of this.

This woman.

I am fucked if I listen listen to them.

She's going to home college me in Hawaii.

Does she know anything about Hawaii?

It was as if we were on a boat and Amma had fallen into the water and we just kept darting her all of these life-saving things.

Here's another one.

Here's another one.

And she, honestly, it was this beautiful moment that I think that she realized that she was already in her own life-saving

donut, that she had herself.

That she had it.

That she had to just go through it, that it was hers.

And it was this like, I don't know, it was this detachment.

It was.

In a beautiful, necessary way that she needed.

You were throwing her life preservers to pull her back to the boat.

And she was like, turned around, started swimming.

That's exactly right.

Well, they think they can keep me in that boat forever and that's going to save me.

But here I go.

My ass is breaststroking to the beach.

That's right.

That's so

godly.

I mean, this experience is we all just want to crawl inside each other's bodies and fix things.

Yes.

But at the end of the day, it's Tish coming to me in the middle of the night and going, I'm so scared.

And me going, what are you scared of?

And she says, I'm all alone.

And I say, you are not all alone.

I am right here with you next to you at the side of the bed at 3A fucking M when you're here again.

And she goes, no, I'm just all alone in my body.

I'm all alone in my skin.

I'm all alone in here.

That is it, right?

It's like

all of these people that can come help you with the outer part of it,

and no one that can help you with the inner part of it.

Ugh, so annoying because you're all alone in there, you're all alone in here, nobody's coming to save you.

And on that happy note,

yeah, but it is.

Here's the thing: like, this is the other thing I talked about with my therapist: there's nobody coming to save you,

and then it's like, okay,

what does that mean?

I go through it, and I get to the place, like, oh,

I have me

and I have my experience and I have to believe and understand my experience is holy

in order to really want to take full responsibility for it.

Because before I think I was just giving away responsibility, giving away my own life, giving away my own accountability.

And there was something that shifted in me that was like, that's really hard to give up responsibility and caring for other people because I'm a big caretaker.

I know you are too, sister, and I know you are too, Glennon.

But there is something really magic.

I know, and I'm still going there.

I'm still not figured out, but there is something magic in the surrender and the acceptance that nobody is coming to save us.

So true.

When I think of all that we're talking about, I want to find the Mary Oliver poem that Glennon sent me.

I'm going to read it because I think it's all this.

this is mary oliver's the journey glennon sent it to me a few days ago and i think it's a lot of what we have been talking about

one day you finally knew what you had to do and began though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles Mend my life,

each voice cried, but you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do.

Though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible, it was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds.

And there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do, determined to save the only life you could save.

You know what I always think about with that poem?

Why do you think she chose

the word

their voice instead of their voices.

Because it's all the same?

I just always think about that.

There's no accidents in these poems that these poets write.

So it's all about a bunch of voices at first, right?

They're shouting their bad ideas.

It's like multiple.

And then when she makes the switch, When she starts listening to her own voice, she realizes that all of those other voices were just one voice, which makes me think

that she is understanding that it was always from inside her anyway.

That there's only two voices.

One that says you can't have what you need, and what you need to do is to save everybody else, and one that says you can, and what you need to do is save yourself.

It's really just two voices, and they're both internal.

Or that could very well be it.

Or earlier in the poem, she says, You felt the old tug at your ankles, mend my life, each voice cried.

So, really,

even though they're all different people in your life, they're all coming from all angles at you.

It's only one cry of all of those voices, and it's mend my life.

Save you, save my life.

So the voice is,

there's only two voices.

One is

save your life

from yourself.

And the other voice, even though it's made up of hundreds of people, is save my life from outside of you.

Yeah.

And

you have to choose.

Every time.

Every time.

Okay.

So it's, it could be a million different people saying it, but it's always just one singular message.

Ignore yourself, save me.

I do think that

there's

like when we look back on this in the future, we will discover that

that voice inside of you is what you already did start saving yourself.

It's not like you're just going to start whether or not you're going to figure out that voice after the cancer is over.

It's like that voice of save yourself

is literally what led you to continue, to trust your own instinct and to continue doing these tests and to do what you needed to do.

because nobody else was doing that, including the doctors.

Like that was you and your hunch and your relentless

pursuit of what that voice was telling you to do.

It's almost like that's true.

The one, and like,

now you know what it sounds like or something.

Yeah, maybe that's the part, like the first step out of the woods, right?

Who knows?

Well.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you both so much.

Really, really, really do.

Pod Squad, we love you too.

Go forth and ignore all the voices or the one voice that just tells you to mend someone else's life instead of your own and

save the only life you ever could save.

We'll see you next time.

If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things.

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We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wombach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.

Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman, and the show is produced by Lauren Lograsso, Allison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.