154. HAPPYISH HOLIDAYS: Our Top 3 Hacks for Hard Holidays

I think that I know more than anyone on this entire planet that having the right therapist to talk to can make a life-changing difference.

That's why I think Alma is so cool.

Alma connects you with real therapists who understand your unique experience.

You can use their directory to search for someone who specializes in the areas that matter most to you, whether that's anxiety, relationships, or anything else.

And what stands out to me about Alma is that 97% of people seeing a therapist through Alma say their therapist made them feel seen and heard.

You know I love that.

That level of connection isn't something you can get from scrolling through online advice or following social media.

It's about finding someone who truly understands your journey and is dedicated to helping you make progress.

Better with people, better with Alma.

Visit hello alma.com/slash hardthings to get started and schedule a free consultation today.

That's hello A L M A dot com slash hardthings.

It's the beginning of a new school year and also the classroom sniffles and sneezes that go along with it.

From home to school and back, stock up with Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues.

Start the school year off the right way by preparing for the messes that come with it.

You don't want to be caught without a tissue on hand to help.

Kleenex ultra soft tissues are soft and absorbent to stand up against runny noses to keep you and your family clean and comforted as the school year starts.

This back to school season, make sure to get the classroom essential that teachers and students can rely on.

For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex.

Well,

on this Thanksgiving, the We Can Do Hard Things team,

me, sister, Abby, Allison, Dina, Lauren,

we are grateful for you.

We're grateful for this pod squad that we get to do this life together.

We just can't believe this situation we found ourselves in with this podcast.

We love it so damn much.

And if you're doing a turkey trot,

good job.

Who does a turkey trot?

Good job.

Like, keep going.

You only have a few more miles.

So this Thanksgiving, we are presenting to you an episode we loved from last year, and it's about how to have a happy-ish holiday.

Okay.

It's just some happy-ish holiday hacks.

We've got a few important ones.

The first one is it's your effing holiday.

The second one is eat, drink, and breathe.

And the third one is be unsurprised.

These are very important things for you to remember today.

So do not continue on this wonderful, but often very difficult day without listening to this episode to get you centered.

Don't forget,

life isn't about being happy.

It's not about feeling happy.

It's about feeling everything.

And there's nothing like the holidays to make us feel everything.

We love you.

We are grateful for you.

Happiest Thanksgiving.

Enjoy.

The holidays are officially upon us.

So, right after Halloween, I saw, I said, Chase, this

meme, we speak, he's Jen,

what is he?

Gen Z?

Gen Z.

Yeah.

So we, and I'm a mom, so we speak in memes to speak in Gen Z and millennials.

Right.

Memes.

Memes.

And so I sent him one that said, now that Halloween's over, we can go into this really scary holidays where we have to go see our families.

In the truly scary holidays, yes.

Yes.

Right.

Yes.

So

I, every year,

we as a human species, we just,

we just, we have, we're like the Ted Lazar thing.

We have memories of a goldfish.

Every holiday, we go into it thinking, this will be the Folger's commercial holiday, right?

This will be the one where I get, my family gets their shit together.

Everyone is grateful and kind and warm and cozy.

And then every year,

we are shocked and stunned when actually we remember that holidays aren't for making us feel happy.

They're just making, they just make us feel everything deeper.

So if like things are good in our family, then we feel good.

But if we've had loss or we have breakage or we have whatever, then we just feel all of those things more.

So we are here,

sister

Abby and I are here

to help you

through

hard holidays,

I actually just think that this is our little like get-together before our own holiday experiences.

What they don't know is the pod squad is here to help us

right through exactly

the day.

Exactly right, right.

I mean, it's a true, I think it's a great thing to talk about because it

I feel like part of the pressure of the holidays is not talking about it being hard, you know, so that it, it, it's like

the phenomenon is if our family can't be happy on this day of all days, then when can we ever be happy?

And it's actually like the flip of that feels more true.

It's like it's actually harder to be happy when everything is in such a high pressure moment.

Yes.

Like that.

So I feel totally the same way.

I mean, I think I look back at the times in my life that are the best as a child, and I watched my mom stress

so much,

preparing and perfecting every little bit to make sure everybody's experience was as she wanted it to be.

As she wanted it to be.

That's what we do.

All the food and every little bit and every tradition was remembered and acted upon.

And so.

Just a couple of years ago, I remember feeling like, oh, this is what I'm, I'm supposed to look like my mom.

i'm supposed to be stressed right and i i mean a couple years ago i was just like you know what like i don't want to be that way like i want to actually enjoy this and and what i think it made me kind of delegate a little responsibility over the holidays of like certain you know sister when you come and visit like maybe you guys can make a meal one night and you know we're we're going to try new things this year but at the end of the day it's like this expectation of the holiday yeah it makes expectation is what screws it's that it's that thing we say over and over again.

The thing that screws us up is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be.

We were visiting our oldest at college recently and one of the professors said, stop saying to your kids, these are going to be the best four years of your life.

Oh, yeah.

God, yeah.

Because

first of all, They're actually really tough years.

They're exciting, but also really tough.

So when you say that to them and they have a hard time, they feel like they're failing.

And also, who the hell wants to hear that the best four years of your life are going to be done by the time you're 24?

like that.

Just stop saying that shit.

And you know what?

That's the pressure we have on the holidays.

It's the most wonderful

year.

You know, so it should just be like, it's the most time of the year.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

It's so good.

It's the most of everything.

We take, it's the most sounds, it's the most people, color,

obligations, it's the most lights,

expectations.

It's just most.

And it's since it's the most advertised to us, this vibe we're supposed to have, we are chasing this vibe that we feel responsible mostly, parents, mostly moms, I'll say, to create.

So, I mean, our kids, do you remember last year, Tish is sitting in the freaking living room?

Everything's decorated, all the things, the fake fires on the TV, the fake candles.

I'm not actually going to bake cookies, but I have

the cookie candles.

Smells like things are baking.

Everything's going.

And she's like, I just don't feel like it's Christmas.

But I just feel like it's that feeling of I'm in, I'm in, what is it?

I'm in

Kyoto, missing Kyoto.

It's like, it's that feeling where you're in the moment and you're still yearning for this thing because the thing you're yearning for is not real.

It's created by the TV.

That's right.

Right.

So, really, what the holidays are, it's just like a day or whatever where we're the most, where it brings us the most feeling.

So, what we know is that we can do hard things like get through the holidays um i mean i don't know i'll let you know actually that's a good point i will let you know okay so how about this we can do hard things like talk about the holidays for the next we can talk about the hard holidays okay all right all right we'll take that um let's start with this and also just before we start i i just want to I just want to say this.

Just got to clear my conscience.

I told Chase,

go have the time of your life.

That was the last thing I said to him before he left college.

And so now I just needed to tell you that I messed up.

Okay, so when he comes home, you just say, what I meant was, go have a time.

Go have a time.

Yeah,

go have a time of your life.

You can always be having the time of your life if you're in that time of your life.

It's saying specifically, these finite four years are the best you got.

So fuck it up.

Okay, so I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have a bad parenting moment.

No, you just just mediocre i could have been better well i just you know and then it's like who all the kids who don't go to college and actually for me college was one of the worst times of my life and it's just

you know i think i think you you did great okay we can move on i've cleared my conscience and we're good out now okay thank you um okay sister start us off because the next right thing as we know is always

looking at the dragon in the snow globe always telling the truth first.

So let's start there.

Yes.

Okay.

Since we're talking today about the hard truth of our lives and families and holidays, it makes sense to start with

the truth about this holiday specifically.

So

this holiday purports to mark friendship among Indigenous peoples and pilgrims.

But the truth is that the first settlers and the U.S.

government's forced removals, theft of land, biological warfare with smallpox, and massacres actually was genocide.

So the population of Indigenous people went from

15 million before Columbus's arrival to

fewer than 238,000 over the course of 400 years.

It's just good to say that right out loud.

And

so we're not perpetuating a myth.

And the also I feel like over the holidays, it has so much to do with home and ritual.

So it's important to tell the truth about the places we call home,

and including acknowledging that we live on the ancestral stolen land of Indigenous people.

I live on the land of the Piscataway and you live on the land of the Tongba.

So if,

can I have like two minutes to tell you about this land since

you're new to this, to that area.

So

You're living on indigenous land that was known for thousands of years as the Tovanar, and that means the world.

So it's the land of the Tongba.

Tongba means people of the earth because of their belief that humans were not the peak of

creation, but just part of a web that stemmed from Mother Earth.

And they lived in constant relation and reciprocity with that land that you're on for thousands of thousands of years in like a hundred different villages right around where you are until Spanish settlers arrived and they stole their land and enslaved them in the missions that they set up there.

They were forced to abandon their rituals and decimated by European diseases.

And then the U.S.

took control over California.

At that point, they were denied their basic rights and their children were taken from them and forced into Indian boarding schools.

And they were not formally acknowledged by the California government until 1994.

And they've never been recognized by the federal government or been granted land.

So they have no place to live or gather or bury their ancestors.

But there are still 2,500 Tongva people in the region, and they are resilient.

And they do a lot around you to preserve their artifacts and heritage and resurrect their language.

So to everybody listening,

we can do hard things like talk to our kids about the land that they're living on.

You can do this.

You can learn about the land where you live at native-land.ca.

Go there with your kiddos and talk about the truth about

this country.

What does the future hold for business?

Ask nine experts and you'll get 10 answers.

Bull market, bear market.

Rates will rise or fall.

Inflation, up or down.

Can someone please invent a crystal ball?

Until then, over 40,000 businesses have future-proofed their business with NetSuite, the number one AI cloud ERP, bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform.

With one unified business management suite, there's one source of truth.

giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions.

With real-time insights and forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data.

When you're closing the books in days, not weeks, you're spending less time looking backwards and more time on what's next.

Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities.

I highly recommend it.

Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning at netsuite.com/slash hardthings.

The guide is free to you at netsuite.com/slash hardthings.

Netsuite.com slash hard things.

Okay, let's go on to our holiday hacks.

Besides telling the truth, we have more.

And on this list of holiday hacks, you will not find things such as how to get your cooking done or your shopping done.

Okay.

Those are not the hacks of which I understand.

So go to a different podcast or source to learn how to do adulting things.

Here, we talk less about adulting and more about humaning.

So our hacks are about to are about how to get through the humaning part of the holidays.

Right.

Okay.

And are by definition, not hacks, because aren't hacks like super easy things to do?

Yeah, I actually don't think

hacks here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that the words people might have gotten this wrong.

We read hacks on a meme and we were like, good, let's get some of those.

That sounds fun.

That sounds good.

I love the show called all God's children get hacks.

Yeah.

So here's your unhack.

Okay.

Here's your first unhack.

And what we're calling the first hack is, number one, it's your

effing holiday.

That's our hack.

Oh, yeah.

I'm subtitling it, Normalize Not Doing Shit You Hate Over the Holidays.

Okay, that is exactly right.

Okay.

Yeah.

So it might seem like an obvious one, but I'm telling you, every single one of my friends,

like all three of them.

You know what?

You, you, you kind of keep making fun of yourself, but guess who's getting friends?

I know I am.

I'm working on it.

I'm so excited.

So all five of my friends.

Yeah, it's not three.

It's five.

So when they talk about the holidays, they talk about why they hate it.

And then they list the reason they hate it is because they tell me all the things they have to do that they hate.

Okay, but so I keep thinking, what if, like, would we hate the holidays less if we stopped doing the things we hate on the holidays?

That's right.

How would we

kind of like untame our holidays in that way?

Do you have any ideas or stories for us, sister Bear?

Okay, or I have ideas.

Abby Bear, sister, go for it.

No, sister, go.

Mine have everything to do with cooking.

So sister, go, I want to hear yours.

Mine Mine have nothing to do with cooking.

Well, I just, it's completely true.

45% of Americans say that they would prefer just to skip the winter holidays.

Oh,

bless some.

That is almost half of all the people

are just like, just prefer just bump January.

I mean, that's, that's so sad.

And I don't think it's because we,

I think people love parts of the holidays.

I just think that we love

parts that

don't make up a large part of the pie chart that we spend our holiday time on.

Yes.

I was in the post office a couple of weeks ago and I met a new friend.

I don't know her name, but she, we were talking about the holidays coming up.

Okay, this is what I surmised in the 10-minute conversation with her.

She grew up with a very complicated holiday situation.

So she desperately wants to be by herself on the holidays, doing something different.

She wants to take a trip or something.

I love her already.

I love her too.

But her sister can't bear the

thought of her being by herself on the holidays because her sister can't imagine being alone on the holidays.

I love her too.

Yes.

So my post office friend is going to lie to her sister and say she's spending the holidays with her best friend so that her sister won't save her from the holiday she wants and force her to have the holiday her sister wants for her so this is crazy and i don't tell my post office friend this because i'm very proud of her for just trying to get with yes that's a good lie but

i think just why can't folks decide what feels like a holiday to them since it actually is their holiday i know too like it's i know

and it's hard i think because people just just feel like this is the way it's always been done, or everyone holds so tightly to like this vision of what they think it should be.

But I was thinking back, and I remember the first time

I kind of broke with our family traditions.

And this is odd because our,

in our family growing up, the biggest holiday of the year was New Year's Eve because that was, we have a billion

cousins in Ohio.

And it was the one time of the year where the whole family got together.

So we would drive all the way up.

Everybody would meet there, all the cousins and the aunts and uncles and all the people.

And we had all kinds of traditions and rituals and ridiculousness.

And I never missed one, like all through college, all through law school.

And then right after

I got divorced,

I just didn't.

feel like it because I it's not that I didn't feel like it it's I felt like doing something different Like I wanted to do something that just

actually felt like a relief.

I think, yes.

I think it's the idea of

we act like we don't need a holiday.

Just,

but I needed to go do something that filled me up.

Yes.

And I think we just think holiday insert all of these obligations as opposed to holiday is actually for the filling of me.

Yeah.

That's good.

And of my people.

And so I,

it was awkward because it was kind of like record,

you know, I'm not coming this year.

And I instead went to Costa Rica with a friend and also packed like six pairs of high heels because I did not read the itinerary, but we were in the rainforest

and legit did.

And it was, yes.

And,

but missing that holiday tradition, I think about it a lot because it's now one of my most

precious memories.

And I think it's because I was so close to not doing it.

And I just remember watching the sky above me on the Osa Peninsula when the New Year rang in and like all of the paper lanterns going up.

And I remember feeling so

full of wonder and newness, and feeling like, oh, I can feel wonder and newness.

And that was a new feeling to me again.

And also Carlos with a K because that memory has only about 95% to do.

I remember Carlos with a K.

And his dog named Danger.

Yes.

Carlos with a K and a dog named Danger.

I know Clara.

Red flags.

Red flags.

Green.

Green flag.

Happy New Year.

Sisters painting those red flags green all the time go ahead but the point is is that I feel like

just if we viewed all of the things that we do every year

as options and

experiments like

you

You should be experimenting to see if what you're choosing to do with your time and your family's time is working for you and your family to fill yourself up.

You know, is it actually feel

correct?

Can I make an aside about that?

I feel like it's very, it just reminded me of that

year after the divorce.

If anyone is listening to this and is going through a transition of life, like any kind of breakup or divorce or you lost a job or anything that your family culture will deem big, just

please, please, for the love of God, like use this fleeting moment of freedom because it is like the, it's like you're playing Mario Brothers and you just like hit the superstar.

You have this, this rare moment of temporary invincibility where no one can say shit to you.

That like,

use it.

Use

something you want for the holidays.

And it would, and, and you'll get away with it and you should, and you'll be very happy.

Yeah.

Go ahead and surprise yourself yeah i think that's that magic you felt it's also you chose yourself yeah and that is a magic that's a revolution you're feeling revolution when you were looking at that because breaking free from tradition tradition is what keeps us it's an important thing right there's no this is an and both situation totally but tradition really keeps us caged in certain ways you know absolutely it's like what they call tradition peer pressure from dead people it's like seriously like we can think it through.

What if our tradition is,

it's like choosing this, the letter of the law over the, over the spirit of the law?

Like, what if the tradition each holiday is, what does, what do I and my family need this year to feel free and held and fueled and loved and relaxed and whatever.

What if that's the tradition?

Yes.

And then you move parts because families or people are not static.

Like what created something beautiful 20 years ago might very well not be what this particular person in this particular family need in this moment this year.

Yes.

So when we use that, it's using an old blueprint for what our family needs right now.

I totally agree.

And I think, you know, for

you listener out there, who might be also experiencing some sort of transition or divorce, my choice during my divorce went very differently than sisters.

And I just want to put that out there that some people might not have the ability to go to Costa Rica or have a life-changing experience like you did.

I just sat in a hotel room by myself during the holiday of Thanksgiving

one year.

And honestly, it was like the saddest experience.

So, like, looking back, maybe I could have done something a little bit more productive.

And I think what sister you're saying is like, there is a choice you have.

And like, you get to choose yourself.

And this moment might not last because guess what?

I met you and our family six months later.

And here I am having like totally different family holidays.

I think you probably knew what you needed in that moment, though, because sometimes I think when we go through something that brutal, it's like we're, you know, how crabs like.

they they they molt and they have to they lose their hard shell and they're soft shell crabs for a while because

and so when they are when they're molting when they're transforming because they've grown it's a growth pattern they have to hide

because they're so vulnerable because they don't have a hard shell oh that was totally me right they have so so they instinctively know that they're more vulnerable and sometimes when we when we step back into family patterns we know like think about you you probably knew in your soul that this person was going to say this and that person was going to ask that question and that like you were not at your strongest and you were in a moment where you were a soft shell crab and so you needed to like do the equivalent of burrowing under a totally coral reef or whatever crabs do this makes me feel really sad for soft shell crabs that get eaten I feel proud of them because they know what they need no I know but the ones that get eaten yeah they those are the ones who went back to their families for the holidays

They didn't listen to their instinct, which said hide, hide.

They bowed to the tradition of crab puffing families forever.

Their mother called and said, What the hell do you mean, little crab?

You're not coming back for the holidays.

And instead of standing strong, those crabs went.

And now look what happened.

They're dead.

Crab cakes.

Crab cakes.

Crab cakes.

Don't be a crab cake this holiday.

And it's such a good point because it's not just

what works for you year to year.

I mean, people who are going through grief, something that may have,

you know, filled you up for the past 10 years in this moment

might not.

And you have to be able to,

you know, honor your traditions and honor your needs.

And if honoring your needs makes you not be able to honor your traditions, you need to just go with that.

Amen.

Choose that and just practice.

And sometimes it's just an extra minute.

It's like, wait, before this all starts, you know, it's all starting.

Sit down and take a minute and be like, wait, what do I want from these holidays?

What do I, what do you want?

What do you want?

It's not just just like, what does my family want from me?

What does everyone want from me?

I'm just going to go and do it.

But like an intentional moment of like, what do I need from these holidays?

I mean, I remember trying to weed through some of the traditions that we've had and sit down with your kids, too, if you have them.

I mean, Tish won't let us get rid of anyone.

of traditional

she's a tradition hoarder she is i mean and anything every year if it's new that we've done it it is now officially a tradition in our family and we will continue doing this

starting things with it.

But I also want to suggest that there are small things.

Like,

yes, not, you know, because so many people are going to, I can't not go to see my family.

I get that, you know, there's, there's that.

But there are small things you can do.

For us, I remember having this, my parents are with us every Christmas and they are gift people.

So they spend like all year creating these beautiful gifts.

And so what would happen is that on Christmas morning, there would be this time

where they were presenting their gifts.

And it was so important to them that it would end up stressing everyone out because it needed to be this like very big presentation.

But we kept doing it every year.

Every year we kept doing it until we figured out, okay, we're not going to, that's a beautiful tradition.

We're not going to throw it away.

But what if we give mom and dad Christmas Eve?

What if Christmas Eve is when they do their presents?

Because that's a calmer time.

Like the kids don't have other gifts around, so they're not distracted.

And then Christmas morning is the free-for-all, right?

So I just feel like if there's moments in the holidays that are creating misery or stress, sometimes it's creativity and not just throwing the thing out.

Right.

And there's so many little, just because it's working for everyone.

else doesn't mean that it's working for you.

And all those little micro changes, like I have a friend, her parents were divorced and basically she was like time clocked on, you know, you go Christmas morning for here.

And if you, you, that's got to be for two hours and 15 minutes.

And then you got to make sure you get in the car at this time and go here for two hours and 15 minutes and not make.

So her thing is my immediate family gets the first like three hours.

No one is allowed in our house with your extra agendas.

And then after that, there is no agenda because her kind of

core,

you know, trauma around Christmas was, oh, it has to do with equitable splitting up of all the minutes.

And

so it's just knowing yourself enough to know what actually is gonna feel like i can breathe well yes

also not for nothing the just deciding on quantity like 70 of people their primary feeling during the holidays is stress over not having enough time and stress over not having enough money but But we get to choose how we allocate our time and we get to choose how we allocate our dollars.

So

it's not like a

trap to go in without intentions.

But if you're just like

practicing, that's not going to work for us this year.

We're here's the four things we love to do over the holidays.

And that's what we're doing.

And also, here's how much money we're going to spend.

And we're not going to spend more than that.

Yes.

Yes.

It's like the energy difference of like the energetic difference of like, I just, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy.

And like, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy.

So like, I'm not gonna try.

Like not a problem, just not a problem.

You literally don't have time to make people happy.

Yeah.

Whether you are working remotely or in office, many of us require collaborating with team members on projects, tasks, and outcomes.

Monday.com is one of our sponsors and a platform that our team at Treat Media has actually used to coordinate our workflow.

It is a platform that helps you from planning to execution, thinks ahead to deadlines, assign owners and actions, and allows you to see progress as a team.

It actually helps us get some work done.

There is a lot of AI out there, but not a lot actually moves the needle.

Monday.com's Sidekick is different.

It can actually build workflows, spot risks, update the team.

You just say what you need, and you can consider it done.

Sidekick in Monday.com saves so much time.

Using our Sidekick integration helped to update deadlines, brief teammates, reassign tasks, and it even helps us spot risks before they actually become problems.

Stop managing the busy work.

Let Monday Sidekick handle it so you can focus on the real work.

Try Monday Sidekick, AI, you'll love to use on Monday.com.

Our kids are not allowed.

They have their little Christmas lists and they're locked by Thanksgiving.

Nobody's allowed to add another thing to their christmas list after thanksgiving it's coming up so they're like obviously you know frantically finished

they're their struggs right now they're like oh and they and and because then you they're not spending we're not spending a moment of our freaking rest of our weeks what do you want what do you it's so it's so ugly

and my kids always two days before decide that in fact

the one big gift that they'd been asking for for six months is in fact not the thing they want, which is already wrapped.

And

because

the advertising is so-so, YouTube told them.

Yes.

And it's never been more intense than in December.

So if they mentally know there's nothing else, like that's it, then it's sort of like a resistance to all of that.

You know, and for us, then we're not worrying about it.

It's like, I don't know.

That's just a little thing.

That's a smart idea.

I think that's a hashtag hack.

Is that a hashtag hack?

Did I know?

It is.

Hack lists do by Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but now I'm trying to hack it out, and I don't know how hacks work, but I'm really excited that that might be a hack.

I think it has great, great, great.

Okay, so it's your effing holiday was number one.

Number two, and I don't have a lot of

a whole lot to say about this because I haven't nailed this one at all, but I just want to

talk about it, which it's the fact that the holidays for people who have food and body issues,

what I can say is for me, the holidays are a shit show

of like

all of the food stuff coming up.

And I think it's a combination of a lot of things.

It's like that there is so much food wrapped around in the holiday stuff, but it's also because

when we go back into tradition or to family or to anything that like drives us toward the old,

that brings up all of the patterns that kind of led us to eating disorders anyway.

So, I just think there's like

an awareness that we have where we are, people with eating stuff are kind of soft shell craps during the holidays.

So, we don't have our hard shell, and we're, and we're maybe out of our structure, whatever.

So, um, knowing that I

try to eat big meals,

I try to eat a big breakfast, eat a big lunch, and eat a big dinner.

Like that makes me, I think what we do sometimes is when we're worried about food, we're like, okay, I'm going to, it's, it's a, it's Thanksgiving or whatever, and I'm going to have a huge dinner, so I have to starve myself.

I have to not eat.

And then I'll be okay to eat dinner.

Like, yeah, that whole, it's not.

That ritual that everybody on the planet does.

It's weird for us.

Yeah, it doesn't help us because it brings back the scarcity feelings.

And the, it's just like

what i'll say is for me it's important to like feed myself feed myself feed myself through feed myself again feed my like i get i deserve to eat every day of the holidays even if i had a big meal the night before even if it's just a time to let yourself be juicy and human and trust

your appetite and just

and then I constantly, I actually do this every day of my life.

So it's maybe not a holiday hack.

It's just like a

human hack is that I constantly carry around a cup of tea or coffee all the time.

It's like my hands around a mug remind me of the fact that I am,

I don't know, cozy, loved.

It's like the warmth of it just makes me feel good.

It's the oral fixation of having something right there.

It makes me feel strong and loved and okay.

It's a shield of some sort.

And I don't, I wasn't going to say that because I don't know how to explain it.

This is a shield.

I feel serious about myself.

Yeah, exactly.

And

I could throw this tea on you if I need to.

Yeah, come at me.

Yeah, it's hot.

It reminds me of like, if I'm going into a social situation, I will sometimes, especially if it's a wedding, I will chew gum.

Huh.

I don't know why that feels like a shield to me.

Yeah, because you're like, look at me, my jawline, I am serious.

Well, and it's like, I can't talk because I'm chewing gum.

you know also don't just call us

don't call us we know you're not supposed to chew gum at weddings we know we're not it's i don't i'm not i don't care that's a tradition if i have to chew gum at a wedding that i'm gonna i can't drink are you kidding me yeah so you can have six vodkas but i can't have double mint yeah that's right i was just gonna say the tea thing is a great call and a

um for sober people because i feel like that's a whole nother huge aspect to the holidays It's like, you know why y'all can handle this?

You know why you can get through this?

It's because you are wasted.

Yes.

Can we, that's a hack.

Sober people get to do whatever the hell they want.

I mean, Abby and I will never be anywhere past nine o'clock.

Yeah.

Because when people start drinking, bless you, we love you.

We love you.

We do not judge you except a little bit after nine o'clock because everybody thinks they're hilarious.

everybody's saying things that maybe they wouldn't say it just gets a little bit louder a little bit more obnoxious and like nothing ever after nine or ten o'clock like nothing good ever nothing good happens after nine o'clock or 10 o'clock at night well you're having different experiences i say the same thing like i really just everyone who is sober listening over the holidays like you get to

you get to be odd too Okay, yes.

Because it's not just you being odd.

Everyone's being odd.

The person over there, she's on her 12th drink.

She's saying some crazy shit.

If you want to go sit on a couch in another room,

that's just as odd as what everyone else is doing.

That's odd.

So just do.

I have given myself blanket

authorization.

to do whatever I want.

Because even being a sober person over the holidays is a thing you're actively doing all the time.

And everybody else has their strategy of just drinking to survive.

You get to use your strategy.

And you should.

And you should, which is leaving, which is removing yourself, which is whatever you need to do.

I love that.

There's this one weird thing that I want to say that I do that is strange because I'm not an outside person, but there's something about holiday days that makes me need to go stand outside in the cold, cold, cold, maybe every couple of hours.

I don't know what it is, but I, whatever home I'm in,

it's beautiful, and there's so many people there and all these things are happening.

But I have to step outside.

It's take a deep breath

and just give myself, it's like not enough to be in a different room.

I have to be outside.

Little breaks outside for a few moments and deep breaths out there.

If you just,

just try it.

It's like almost like, you know how they say taking cold showers.

Yeah.

Like wakes you up.

You know, like sometimes it can get really daunting being with a lot of family during the holidays that like getting outside, if it's cold where you live, like, it's like a good splash.

Right.

Like, it's like getting yourself like woken back up to like, oh, what, what are my boundaries?

Where, why am I here?

Like, am I good?

Are you okay?

It's like checking in with yourself.

That's what it is.

It's a little meeting with yourself where you're reminding yourself of who you are,

of all the good things.

Yeah, because it's very easy to get wound up and to get wrapped up in all of your familial rememberings.

Yeah, you get lost.

All of those ways, like, oh, oh, here, here's my brother and sister.

They're teasing me again because this is the way of my family.

Or here we go down this weird road again.

And I don't love this road.

Like, Jesus.

It's like the touch tree.

That's what it is.

The leaving is the like returning to my touch tree when I get a little bit lost, right?

Yeah.

So, so work in those touch tree moments where you get to check in with yourself.

One thing that just to circle back to the food bit, one thing that I've done, so the first Thanksgiving we spent together, I made from scratch because that was like my value add to our family is cooking.

I made from scratch all of the food.

Oh, yeah.

And I spent three days not only cooking it, but prepping it.

It was like a whole week, like buying all the food, then prepping it, then making the plan for when and how we were going to do this with like one little oven.

And so long story short, what we ended up doing was, okay, it's still important to me to cook the turkey.

So I get a pre-cooked turkey and then I, you know, zhuzh it up in the way that I like to, put some butter and cook it.

But then what we've decided, and yes, this is a privileged position, but like we just go get like already pre-made

holiday sides.

And that has freed up

an entire week of my life.

So if you have the means to be able to do that, to be able to buy some of your time back, do it.

Well, it ended up being cheaper.

It actually did.

Than make buying all the rest.

And it's not just a privileged thing.

Like the, we do it for Thanksgiving with our, we basically do like a potluck situation.

Yeah.

And I think it's like, it takes a hit on your part because you're like, I am not presenting the thing.

But same thing.

I was like, no, thank you, ma'am.

Like, I am delighted to have everyone over and that's what I love to do.

And also everyone bring a thing.

Yes, that's right.

And guess what?

It doesn't taste that much worse or better.

No, it tastes better because people

are making the one thing they know how to make.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, remember the year before you came, you were kind of appalled by this, but but you said, What did you do last year?

I said, We got our dinner from the grocery store.

And she, he, Abby was like, Oh, did you like you did that package where you ordered it?

And I was like, No, I went to the buffet

the day of Thanksgiving.

I went to the buffet and I scooped

a bunch of the hot bar and I scooped a bunch of shit

into plastic containers.

And the turkey was like slapped, like little cuts of, you know, that you

can see how efficient it was already sliced.

It was already sliced.

There was stuffing in there, there was potatoes.

And he's he's brilliant.

And I just, and I put them on the table and I just, and it was fine.

Yeah, totally.

Fine.

Totally.

Okay.

I'll be honest.

Instacart has become one of those things that I really rely on way more than I ever expected.

Life is busy.

Between all the work and family and just trying to keep up with the day-to-day, getting to the store isn't always realistic.

With delivery through Instacart, I can shop my favorite stores right from my phone.

Whether I'm out of coffee, which happens all the time, or need to restock on snacks or forgot that one freaking dinner ingredient happens to all of us, it's all just a few taps away.

And sometimes it shows up in under 30 minutes, which still blows my mind.

Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door, so you can focus on what matters most.

Download the Instacart app and use code HardThingsPod20 to get $20 off your first order of $80 or more.

That's code hardthingspod20 to get $20 off your first order of $80 or more.

Offer is valid for a limited time, excludes restaurants, additional terms apply.

So number two was the number two hack was eat, drink, breathe.

Okay?

Eat, drink, breathe.

Good luck.

It's a good idea.

Now,

I feel strongly that this is the most important one.

Yes, it is.

Sister Bear.

This is the most important holiday and perhaps life hack we can offer you, precious ones.

Okay.

And we are calling number three:

be

unsurprised.

Sister, can you just start us off with this one?

This one's my favorite ever.

I can.

So

100%, we know what our family is.

Right.

Like the

key maybe to life and, but to the holidays is not allowing ourselves to be surprised about what is 0% surprising.

Correct.

So in order to have peace and integrity and not walk away from holiday events and the holidays in general, feeling like shit about ourselves and maniacal about our families is just picking

our 10%.

Okay.

So our 10%

is what will inevitably go down with our families over the holidays

that we will for sure act to ourselves as if it's shocking.

Okay.

Okay.

And then

they

are the kind of things, if you're trying to think of these, the kind of things that we will leave feeling ick

about ourselves.

They will be the kind of things that we carry with us, the kind of things that we have to get in the car and immediately talk to the person in the car about

and debrief on.

So, they're

so like the comments about why we're not married yet,

how many Weight Watchers points those potatoes might be only because she's super curious.

And also,

like anything that's a dog whistle,

homophobia, racism, it's like we have to pick those 10% of our family's stuff that insults our soul.

Okay.

So these are the mountains we're willing to die on.

Yeah.

And the good news is we do not have to die.

You're right.

You're right.

You know, that's like, they're just the things

that

by thinking of them and preparing for them in advance, we don't spend the whole time walking on eggshells holding our breath because

they wouldn't dare do it.

Because yes, they would dare.

They would dare.

They double dare you every time.

They're going to do that thing.

And so we just, then we don't have to be scared about it happening.

And then we don't have to leave berating ourselves for not.

Saying what we wish we would have said and just thinking out in the shower for the next six weeks.

Exactly.

So basically what you're saying is you're going to spend the time preparing the retort anyway usually what we do is we do it when it's too late it's after exactly

spend we spend the whole year preparing the retort we should have said

before afterwards so what we're gonna do instead is we're gonna take even just it's gonna be less time we're just gonna do it ahead of time instead prepare for it we're gonna prepare our retort to dog whistles to racism to homophobia to the the thing that our aunt is gonna say about not being married, to whatever we know is going to happen.

We are going to be ready.

So instead of eggshells dreading, we're almost going to be hoping that that shit comes.

Yeah.

So we can say our thing.

And we're not mad about it.

I'm not mad that two plus two equals four.

Like,

we're not mad.

We're just like, Dorothy,

Dorothy,

here's my response to you, Dorothy.

And, and, you know, and that has, that's brave.

That takes some courage.

Right.

But we think in advance of it, and we're not, um, we're not trying to be courageous.

We're trying to

have ourselves remain intact in integrity.

We're trying to make the outside self and the inside self one, be integrated.

So we're not abandoning ourselves by letting things go that we should not.

That's right to me.

And it feels like that's the part that makes us feel ick when we leave our families is because we let that 10% chip off of us.

And then we're wondering, am I really 100% me?

Because in that moment, I wasn't.

And so,

so I think also that's a, that's a service to ourselves, but it's also a service to our families because

the 10% that we choose to

make our existence in that space align with our beliefs and our boundaries and the way we view the world

making ourselves show up in those, in those 10% of the spaces is what moves families down the field.

Yes.

And it makes, it makes dread it.

You will dread family interactions less.

Yes.

And you will break terrible old familial patterns that need to be broken.

Because racism and homophobia and all of that shit, those are traditions.

Yeah.

I mean, listen, my mom.

And mom, I love you so much.

If you're listening, just turn up the volume a little bit.

Down.

Turn it down?

No, turn it up.

I want you to listen to that.

Because I'm going to have a moment.

Almost every single time that I'm on the FaceTime with my mom, I haven't done my hair, right?

I have basically what's called a mohawk.

I shave the sides of my head.

And

this is not a look my mother loves because it's

evidently more gay to her or something.

I'm not sure exactly because I've never had this conversation with her.

But at the end of the day, she always says, whenever I'm not, I have not done my hair so that you can see the shaves on the sides, it's fallen over the shave.

It looks like kind of like a normal short haircut, right?

Like a

bob, a bobb-ish.

I don't know.

Yeah, a short bob.

And she's always like, oh my gosh, I love your hair like that.

So much.

And she doesn't understand that I know that that's like her dog whistle to me.

That's like, please don't wear your hair in the really gay way.

You know what I mean?

And I don't think that she thinks of it like that.

I don't think that she's conscious of it.

I think that she's just trying to like compliment me.

And it's this backhanded thing.

So it's like, maybe one of these days I'm going to get the courage and be like, mom,

this is who I am, whether my hair is this way or that way.

Like,

I am gay and proud of it.

And also, like,

stop this charade of like you thinking that you're going to somehow

control my way of being.

And that's just like, at the end of the day, it's like, we just got to keep accepting people for who they are.

So this is a long story.

It's so exactly right.

Yeah.

At the end of the day, it's like, I need to get brave enough to be like, mom.

I really love you and I know you mean well here, but please stop commenting on my hair because it's too loaded.

Yes.

It's too loaded.

That's a good.

There's too much loaded in it for me that I always leave those interactions feeling bad about myself.

You know, and that's, I think, like what we're kind of saying with some of this family, like that little zinger, like, and mothers with like, oh, I love, have you lost weight?

Or

you look so great.

Implying you look like shit for the decade before that.

Yes.

There's so much loaded in what we say to each other.

And I'm not perfect either.

Like,

but I just think that there's a little bit of consciousness that we can bring into some of this.

Yeah.

And there's your 10%, right?

I mean, what you just said, it's loaded for me.

That's your 10% of preparation.

Because actually, babe, when you got off the phone the other day, I talked to you, right?

You were like, you said to me, she said it again.

She always says it.

She always, always says it.

And so it's like, wait a minute, if we know she always says it, why aren't we more prepared?

Because then we have to spend so much time afterwards

thinking of what we would have said, but then we don't say it again.

Yeah.

And listen, my mom is unsurprised.

And be prepared.

So, like, when your uncle says the racist thing, when your mom asks you why you're not married, when your aunt asks you if you're still gay, when your brother asks you if you're starting a diet soon, when your mother-in-law asks if maybe you've ever considered brushing your children's hair, like, just

be prepared.

And that, and both end.

So, be unsurprised and be prepared for the 10%.

Like, that is yours to do, right?

And the other thing that is yours to do is then

let

your family

do what they do.

That's right.

You're going to just, you're focused on that 10%.

And then the rest of your focus is on letting our families be exactly what they are.

That's it.

Exactly as regrettably

and delightfully as they are.

Because we are being unsurprised and we are letting them be.

Right.

We're not changing them.

We're not changing them on Thanksgiving.

No, we're not.

But we are also not changing ourselves.

I love it.

All right.

So, in short, you have three next strike things this holiday season.

Number one,

remember that it's your effing holiday.

Okay.

Number two, eat, drink what you're supposed to drink, whatever that is.

Breathe.

Okay.

And number three.

Shit, what was number three?

Be unsurprising.

Be unsurprised.

Be unsurprised.

When the holidays get hard, don't forget, we can do hard things.

I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire.

I came out the other side.

I chased desire.

I made sure

I got what's mine

and I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks don't map

a final destination

we lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a hard pain.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes

things fall apart

And I continue to believe

the best

people are free

And it took some time

But I'm finally fine

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that

a final destination

lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring

we can do a hard thing

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that

We might get lost, but we're okay with that.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives brings.

We can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

can do hard

things.

We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios.

Be sure to rate, review, and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Especially be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it.

If you didn't, don't worry about it.

It's fine.