42. ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ALIVE? with Esther Perel

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Okay, everybody, welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things.

I have big hopes for today's episode.

So listen, pod squad, we have been listening to every voicemail you leave us.

And one of your most repeated themes is this.

At this point in this unbelievable, endless abyss of COVID and Delta and world-shaking politics and fear and anger and numbness and stuckness, our relationships are

suffering.

If you are struggling, in your marriage or parenting or extended family or work relationships, I just wish that I could play you the voicemails so you could understand how very not alone you are.

As I listened this weekend, I kept thinking of that old poem by Baba Farid that pretty much sums up all my work and it goes like this.

I thought I was alone who suffered.

I went on top of the house and found every house.

on fire.

Today, we're going to introduce you to a special person who knows a hell of a lot about houses on fire.

Abby and I met her years ago.

We sat on a stage with her, and she helped us understand that perhaps our fights, the ones about food and money and cabinets and toothbrushes, were not at all about food and money and cabinets and toothbrushes, but they were about

control and power.

And I find that, found that very annoying at the time, to tell you the damn truth.

But it also led me to years

of thinking about how when I control Abby, I am not loving her because love requires trust.

And we only control things we don't trust.

I will tell you that Abby and I haven't really stopped trying to control each other yet, but now when we do it, we are aware we're doing it and we call that progress.

So our guest

and Abby and I met again years later at a week-long conference.

And we spent dinners and long plane ride together.

And we talked about life and love and her marriage and our relationship and all of our relationships.

And everything she said rang so true and deep.

And so one night in bed recently, I thought,

Esther Parel.

Esther Perel is a gift I'd like to offer my gorgeous, vulnerable, perfect House is on fire pod squad today.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and a New York Times best-selling author, and she is recognized as one of today's most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.

She is fluent in nine languages.

She homes a therapy practice in New York City, and she serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world.

Her celebrated TED Talks, which I hope you've seen, have garnered more than 30 million views.

And her best-selling book, Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs, both of which rocked my worlds, are global phenomena translated into nearly 30 languages.

It's funny that she could probably almost speak all of those languages.

Esther Perel is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcast, which Abby and I listen to religiously, Where Should We Begin and How's Work?

And what I'm most excited about these days is her latest project.

It's called Where Should We Begin.

It's a game of stories.

Okay, now listen, y'all.

You know that Abby and I for years have been obsessed with the questions, the questions we ask each other at dinner to really get

to know each other better and use those family times as not just small talk, but times to kind of have a treasure hunt with each other.

This game.

that Esther Perel is how we've been doing this lately in our family.

Okay, it is so good.

And Abby, do you remember the first time we played this game?

Where should we begin with my mom and the kids?

And freaking,

my mom told a story that I had never heard before.

All of us ended up just in awe of each other and crying.

And it was like an unbelievably special moment.

So anyway, this game is helpful, very helpful.

Now,

Because I have controlled this entire episode thus far, we would like to actually meet our guest, our friend.

We are so excited.

Esther Perel, welcome to We Can Do Hard Things.

Thank you so much.

And when listening to you and seeing a movie in front of me of you playing, of us the first time on the stage, of sitting on the plane, it's really, it's like you told a beautiful story, a game of stories.

Thank you.

Well, before we jump into talking about relationships in general and how we can make it through this time without losing ourselves or our minds or our people,

We know you listened to our Fighting Well episode that we did earlier, and you know us personally.

So what we want to know to start off is, are Abby and I a normal couple and which one of us is right in general and why is it me?

I could start by saying apox on both you houses.

That's right.

Okay, that's fair.

I could start by saying you're both right.

In your own little world, you're both right.

But it isn't difficult to be right.

It's just that you will be right and alone.

Being right is never difficult.

It's how are you right without losing the other in the process of the conversation?

But you are absolutely a normal couple.

It could be me.

I'm no different either.

Let's not think that because a person studies relationships and works as a therapist and that

precludes us, the professionals, from struggling with some of the same things.

So it's all of the above.

And

I really love the fact that I told you the first time that your toothbrush and your closets and all of that wasn't really the issue, because I would say the same thing today.

It isn't about food or talking or absent-mindedness.

What I really wanted to hear that I didn't hear on the podcast was talk to me about the conversation about fighting, the fighting about how you fight.

That is really the more interesting part.

You don't fight about different things.

Every fight you fight is about the same thing

in a different language.

I think the way we fight helps us kind of get to the root and the

truthy truth is what Glennon and I say of what we're really fighting about faster.

And we appreciate you listening to that podcast.

And I also appreciate you telling us that we're both right and being right and alone.

Glennon, that doesn't sound fun.

No, I'm just, I need to figure out that part.

I do tend to go to right.

And what we did discover in the other podcast that we did is that some of that has to do with

feeling like I want to be understood and I want to be right so I can prove I'm not crazy.

And so when you, when we get to the point where you're, where you say, okay, you're right, what I hear is, okay, you're not crazy.

And that is kind of what all of our fights are about.

Am I crazy?

And then you're always asking me, are you going to leave me?

Yeah.

That's the constant back and forth.

Well, and I think, I think we could go on for days about us, truly.

I think we could.

And we do.

And we also do.

But I actually have a more specific question for you, Esther.

I know that COVID and what we've all been through for the last 18 months, people are suffering.

And a lot of people are suffering most in their primary romantic relationships.

And also those who don't have primary romantic relationships, people are

reevaluating.

kind of the boundaries of their lives and there's so much that has gone on.

I think that we have to figure out, and maybe you can help us figure out if our relationships are screwed up or are just we internally screwed up from all of the trauma of the past 18 months.

Can you help us figure that out?

Yes, but Abby, I will start by saying there is no screwed up here.

I think that to pathologize it or to personalize the problems or to privatize the conflicts and say it's you, it's the people.

It's, It's, you know,

we are living in a time of a global crisis.

It can be the pandemic, but it also is climate change as a whole.

It's the reckoning politically, economically, racially that's taking place all over the world.

And disasters or crisis always function as accelerators, especially relationship accelerators.

So you begin to think life is short.

Everything can stop at any moment.

And what am I waiting for?

becomes a part of that awareness of mortality, of fragility.

What am I waiting for can be let's move in together, let's have a child, let's go ahead, or it can be I've waited long enough, I'm out of here.

Same in relation to work.

What am I waiting for?

What do I really want to do?

Why am I doing this?

What's the purpose of this?

Where is this taking me?

Is this really where I want to be?

Or what is happening to the sharpening of my priorities?

It's my priorities that get revisited because it's an existential crisis as well.

You know, what matters?

What gives hope?

How do I weather my anxiety?

What does it mean to live in a state of prolonged uncertainty?

How do I become decisive and how do I cultivate certainty when everything around me is lingering uncertainty?

Things like that.

And that's what people are experiencing.

They're not working from home, they're working with home.

They're experiencing all their roles collapse in one place without any sense of spatiality anymore.

You know, you don't go to these places for these activities where you change clothes, where you take on different parts of you, and your brain knows, I left the office, I'm going home.

You know, as therapists, I was discussing it with a group of colleagues this week that I'm training.

Here we are, many of us working in our bedrooms, listening the entire day to stories of suffering and pain.

What happens, do you think, to that bedroom?

Oh my God.

You know, who goes where at night afterwards?

You know, what other space can you enter?

So it's that that has really been tapping us.

And because there is such a talk about the normal, the new normal, the return, the reopening, the re,

when you don't just like go with the program immediately, you think there's something wrong with you rather than what you're feeling is a normal response and adaptation to what's happening you know it's hard

i i have a

i just titled my my annual conference that i do every year for and and i called it like this the great adaptation how therapists and coaches can stay grounded when the ground is moving

this but i could say people

how do we stay grounded when the ground is moving the fact that we are not grounded is not because there's something problematic with us only.

Well, okay.

I think that that's been good.

This podcast is working.

I'm excited.

I mean, come on, that was like the best damn answer we've had.

I like the reframing of the, it's just an accelerator.

That feels like a positive,

you know, and it doesn't mean the acceleration is always going to feel like a positive thing, but that's what's happening to us.

It's just everything's sped up.

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What are people suffering with right now?

Do you see, Esther?

Really nitty-nitty gritty of

marriages or parents.

You hear people's stories, real life stories.

All the time.

All the time.

But like you,

I read some, I think we get sometimes similar things sent to us with a different question, maybe.

But here's the thing.

What are people experiencing?

You know,

we can go down a whole group of people, right?

People who just met

are experiencing an acceleration of the stages of their relationships because, because you know why not move in together and then let's see what happens which would normally take many many more months people who have just been together and are wondering you know should we have a child what does it mean to have a child in a world like this you know does the child do you need to feel hopeful about the world to want to have a kid or is it the kid that keeps you hopeful

because you know um what does it mean when i say you can't have one person for everything you can't have one person be your entire village, but here you are on lockdown with one person basically being your entire village.

And where is your support system?

And who are the people who are able to create pods and to stay connected and to use all the devices to have a cohesive force around them?

And who are the ones who really realize I'm all alone here?

There is nobody.

If something happens to me tonight, I don't have anyone to call.

And then you have the people who suddenly find themselves going back home after not living home for 10 years for good reasons, and suddenly they have to be in that home again for good reasons, but that's not really where they want to be, and they have to take care of people who were not always such good caretakers of them.

And then you have the people who haven't had sex in

months, you know, because I'm the whole day with you.

I hear you, I'm even hearing you at work the whole day.

I'm tapped out with responsibilities.

I have little kids.

I have to be a mother and a teacher and a yoga instructor and

a sister and a friend and a partner and an erotic lover and all of this just seamlessly flowing in from one another and I can't do it.

And what are people struggling with?

They're feeling anxious.

They feel stress.

They struggle with hopefulness or hopelessness.

There is proliferation of...

violence and aggression in the home.

There is proliferation of addiction.

There is women dropping out of the

place so that they can do all what they need to do.

And in the midst of this, there is people saying, I reconnected with my children, that I had not seen them nearly as much for so many years.

I was always on the road and I got to really be with my kids and my family.

I got to be with my partner.

And, you know, when the thing got tough and when my mother got sick and when, you know, I was able to really count on my partner and I actually,

my partner came through in a way that I didn't expect.

And here is the person I just saw a dear friend of mine who lost her two parents to COVID on the same day.

And, you know,

it was really a test of what, where can friends and community be there for you and where will you always be on some level with your own grief?

You know, there is just a place where no one enters anymore.

But there is a lot of places where one can be there for you.

So everyone is kind of doing a little checklist of who's there for me, who do I matter to,

who would notice if I'm not around,

who have I been able to be helpful to, who are these serendipitous people, neighbors that I never knew existed, that I suddenly found myself taking care of.

It's the story of humanity, you know, the challenges and the hardships and these little bulbs of light, you know, that shine where people really were able to

be there for each other in unique ways.

It's all of that.

Sister, ask your question that you had.

I'm dying to hear this one.

So,

Esther, I know that both of your parents are the sole survivors of their families and each spent five years in a concentration camp.

And that early you were kind of fascinated with questions like what makes someone want to stay alive?

What does it mean to be alive?

And when I heard you talking about that, I it got me thinking very deeply: like, what does it mean for a relationship to be alive?

You know, I'm not talking about effectively co-parenting and living amicably and operating as a unit, but like to really be alive.

How do we

tell that a relationship isn't one that's surviving, but

actually

being alive?

Beautiful question.

I would say that my entire book, Mating in Captivity, is really about that question,

you know, where I began to understand the difference of what does it mean to explore the erotic, but erotic in the mystical sense of the word, aliveness, vibrancy, vitality,

energy, life force.

the difference between not being dead and being alive.

And it came in the book, and that's part of why it connects to my parents, because

I noticed that I was coming from a community that was all Holocaust survivors.

So many, many people were the sole survivors.

It's not just my parents.

But in the community, I saw that there were people who didn't die, and there were other people who came back to life.

The people who didn't die often lived very tattered to the ground.

They didn't trust anybody.

The world was a dangerous place.

And especially they couldn't enjoy or experience much pleasure.

Because when you experience pleasure, you're not vigilant.

You're not on alert.

You're not watching for threat and danger.

You have to be able to be unself-conscious and to let go.

And that they couldn't do anymore.

Trauma was too intense for them to do that.

And the people who came back to life, the world was not much safer for them than the others, but in some way they experienced the erotic as an antidote to death.

They remained curious, they wanted to travel, they wanted to explore, they were creative, they used those expressions of life force to fend off the reality of death, of loss, of grief, etc.

And I think the same thing is true in a couple.

You know, what you described about the co-parenting and the efficiency and the management ink, that is very important.

But that addresses the side of our needs that is about safety and stability and security but we also have a need for discovery for growth for novelty for freedom for adventure for mystery all of that the thing that makes you feel like whatever is happening today could be different tomorrow because there is still things that to there's still a reason to stay alive for things may still happen if everything has already happened on what basis do we stay hopeful and that energy, curiosity, to stay interested in your partner and in yourself, in their presence, to remain playful with each other, to take risks together, to explore things together.

That is not about being efficient or getting things done.

That's a whole different dimension.

I'd call it the erotic dimension in the relationship, but it is the thing that makes people feel

alive, present, focused,

joyful

that peace.

And that's the difference.

And it's very active.

It's daily.

You know, you were saying before, Glennon, that, you know, the opposite of control is trust.

But it's interesting.

Trust is actually a leap of fate.

You know, it's an active engagement with the unknown, says Rachel Botzmann.

And the question about trust that is always so interesting is, do you need to trust in order to take risks?

Or is it the act of taking risks that actually leads you to trust?

How do,

when I hear you talk about those people who went through such trauma and were unable to come back to life, there's so many people who deal with trauma.

How.

What has you have you seen that actually those people who have experienced trauma in different ways can do

to bridge that gap, to be able to come back to life, whether it's in a relationship or in their own personal lives?

How do people who have been through trauma

get to live?

I think the most important, I mean, there's lots of different ways to answer this, but one of the most important responses, curative factors, is connection.

with others.

Others who went through the same things or others who care about it.

Trauma is a severing of the connection, of the social thread.

Trauma leaves you isolated.

Trauma leaves you feeling that it's only happened to you, that you're alone, or trauma leaves you feeling ashamed.

And when you feel ashamed, you want to hide because what's wrong with me?

So, any of the forms of which people come together and they come together to sing, to wail, to read, to pray, to light candles, to hold vigil, to tell stories, to listen to each other, to relate.

All of that, I think, fundamentally is probably the most important thing.

It's very different from what we do actually in therapy.

It's people with whom you don't have to tell all the stories because they kind of know because they went through the same, and then you can actually just cook together, or eat together, or be quiet together.

But

fundamentally, what brings us back from trauma is the reconnecting with others in a meaningful way that includes, and this is back to Amanda's question, what Viktor Frankl so beautifully called tragic optimism.

I went through all of this, but it wasn't for nothing.

I did something with it.

It gave me the energy.

Like, what is it about people who forge ahead against adversity?

It's like, I didn't suffer for nothing.

I'm going to do something with this.

I'm going to make it so that it doesn't happen to somebody else.

Or I'm going to, you know, it becomes a raison d'être.

It becomes a cause that pushes me rather than the thing that crushes me.

I think that's so beautiful because we tend to, I know with my own stuff, we tend to think that the way to get through trauma is to just continuously go back to it and keep mining it and keep telling them.

But what you're saying is there's an element of moving towards what is warm and joyful in other people that is also a way of of addressing that trauma that's not always going back to the well of that.

Well said.

That's it.

You know, because if you just go through it, if you just deal with the trauma the whole time, it's like you can take off the cast.

But that doesn't mean that you have learned how to reuse your arm, let alone enjoy it.

So a piece of the trauma work is the actual, you know, how your reaction to events.

Trauma is not an event.

Trauma is how we react to certain things that happen to us.

But the other part that is often not as included, that I highly, that I do emphasize from the work and from the observations that Amanda was asking about, is the reconnecting with,

I use the word pleasure.

but in the broad sense, pleasure, because when you, to experience pleasure, you need to experience self-worth, deserving.

I deserve to feel good.

I deserve to eat something that I enjoy, or to wear something that I enjoy, or to be touched in a way that feels really nice and not creepy and hurtful.

I deserve.

So, to you know, when you think pleasure, you think fluffy-fluffy.

But in fact, pleasure, joy, being fed, being seen, being cared for, they come on the heels of feeling desirable, lovable, attractive, wanted, deserving, self-worth.

That whole group.

When you just go back to the trauma all the time, you don't give yourself experiences of wordiness.

But if somebody holds your hand gentle, tender, without asking for anything because they want to give to you, not because they want to take from you,

the actual experience of that hand will do way more for you

than whatever talking about the trauma that you're going to be doing

Esther, what would you say to people who have listened to this part and feel that their relationship has lost its aliveness?

And they are, we know from your work that desire requires some distance from each other.

And that's one of the reasons why.

We're having such a lack of desire across the board is because that requires some mystery and distance and we have none of that.

So there is some deadness in relationships.

But what would you say to a person who's listening who would like to add some aliveness to their relationship, but is still stuck in COVID?

What's something they can do?

A lot.

So many things.

So if I ask you, all three of you,

I turn myself off when,

or I turn myself off by, which is not the same as what turns me off is,

or you turn me off, my partner turns me off when what would you say i turn myself off when

um

when i'm not showered when i eat too much sugar and carbs when i have a million things to do on my to-do list when the kids are everywhere um i guess that's not that's there that's not me um

or when i'm busy thinking of them being when i'm thinking of of them, yeah.

When I'm thinking about the world or work or

so, when I don't take care of myself, when I feel that I neglect my own, when I'm busy in caretaking mode and in responsibility mode,

when I feel not attractive because of my own behaviors,

you know, what's fascinating is that all of these are not specifically

related to sexuality or to desire, but they are related to numbing, to shutting down.

You know, at this moment, it's a very important piece because your partner could be doing all kinds of things, but you won't respond because you are in that no.

No, I don't deserve.

No, I don't feel good enough about myself.

No, my critical voice is there.

No, I'm too worried about others.

No, I can't check out and just pay attention to myself.

I won't even notice if you touch me, or at best, I'll notice that it bothers me.

Same thing is in reverse.

If I ask what I turn myself on when, or I awaken myself with, you're going to tell me when I take care of myself, when I go and spend time with friends, when I go dancing, when I listen to music, when I sing in the shower, when I pamper myself,

when I'm in touch with my aliveness and with my inner beauty, so to speak.

So, the first thing at this moment is to ask people, how are you feeling, vis-à-vis your own desire inside of you?

And if you are feeling flat, what are the things that make you feel alive and energized and radiant?

And if you tell me it's listening to music or it's dancing on my porch or it's playing my guitar or it's going for a walk, then my next question will be when is the next, the last time you did this?

Because if you don't have any of that receptive energy inside of you, the relationship can't, you know,

there needs to be a full tank or at least a half tank inside.

So that's the first thing.

For yourselves, find the things that energize you, that give you pleasure, whatever the sources of them are.

But the next thing is, write a note to your partner and just say,

see you tonight, eight o'clock.

We'll be going out for a special dinner, even if it's in your kitchen.

Step outside of the restrictive reality in which you are.

Freedom in confinement comes from our imagination.

Kids do this all the time.

They know it.

They play and they step out of their world and they enter another world and for a while they are whatever character they want to be.

You know, we too have that ability.

By the way, people who have talked about being in confinement in camps or in prisons have written about that forever.

The mind is what gave them the freedom to step out of the dull, of the monotony of the, you know.

So play with your partner.

And if you're worried about being weird and ridiculous, you say, this is an unusual note that doesn't come from me.

It comes from, you know, and invent another name.

You know, she decided to join you this evening because your wife decided to leave for the night.

Oh, okay.

Build it in, or your girlfriend, or whichever partner you are, right?

But the idea is,

of course, it's awkward.

It's not the usual thing.

Then play with the fact that it's not the usual thing.

I decided to tell Maria to leave for the evening, and I invited Yvette to come instead.

So, this evening, you're going to meet Yvette.

And, you know, now you don't have to do anything, it doesn't need to lead to anything.

It just needs to lead to that laughter that you and I just have right now.

The smile, this notion that, oh my God, we don't just have to be like succumb to this heaviness, to this deadliness, this flatness.

We can breathe, infuse energy, imagination.

From there, you go wherever you want to go.

I had a woman who did the most beautiful one.

She left a note to her husband.

And she said,

this is after she tells me, I just don't want him to touch me.

I mean, decades of this.

And then she says, I left him a note.

I said, I want you to take the initiative.

one time, but I don't want you to do anything.

This is not about, you know, having sex etc etc certainly not in the hetero notion that you have just i want you to take an initiative so she comes home she leaves a note after the dishes and she says uh this evening we will be meeting uh uh at a party we will be having we will be meeting each other for the first time we will have an absolutely wonderful time and we will each live on our own

And so he goes and does the dishes.

She goes upstairs.

She gets dressed as if she's going to a dinner party.

She She comes downstairs and they speak for the entire evening.

And throughout the evening, since she's meeting him for the first time, she's telling him, you know, I'm married and I'm married to a man who sometimes I just can't stand when he does this and that.

And she basically tells him, you know, and at other times, I actually find him absolutely delightful in those situations.

But I have been feeling this way with him.

And she's talking to this stranger, the husband, about the husband.

And two hours later, she says, well, I think I'm going to go home now.

Do you care to accompany me to the door and then she goes to her own separate bedroom and

transformed I thought man I could never give this kind of assignment you I just gave her one thing but she went with it and she you know it was beautiful it's that idea of how you ignite yes ignite and what you're saying you said something really quick in there that I noted I wanted to get back to you you said this pleasure not in the heteronormative sense because when you're talking, I'm thinking this feels like what Abby and I, and in our lesbian friend world, it's activating a part of us that doesn't have to be, it's sex as something wider, something bigger.

Absolutely.

And it doesn't have to be mandatory leading to that thing.

It's tapping into this place where if we're having any joy together, any playfulness, art museums, reading a poem together, it's just this place that we go to that is sex even when it's not sex.

And it's better when we haven't decided it mandatorily has to lead to sex because

i call it it's erotic it doesn't have to be sex you can have sex and feel absolutely nothing yes ma'am you can forget is not for decades exactly so you know women have done that for centuries so we're not talking about doing anything we're talking about entering a space inside of you it's sex is not just something you do it's a place you go you know, inside of you with another.

So where do you enter in that thing?

And when you describe it like that, that broader dimension called erotic radiant alive curious desirable interested playful then you feel sexy without having to do any sex then if you want to do whatever do but the fact is that you can do plenty and feel none of the other that's right

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Sister, does that ring true to you?

Like, it's like the aliveness is going to that place

and together.

And if you're not ever going to that place together, that's the deadness, regardless of whether there's sex or not.

I think it's so, I mean, when you first were answering the question, Esther, about it was like when you're saying that the part of your life that requires efficiency and,

you know, that's keeping the trains on time, you know, it's apart from that.

that, I feel like speaking,

speaking for heteronormative people in this world with small children, it's like we don't ever get to live in the other space.

I feel like a lot of people that I know are just living in the space of efficiency because this time is requiring so much of us that I am intellectually aware that there's this other space, but like, I haven't been there in a long time.

And I think that leads to this resentment.

And resentment is really hard to get to playful

from.

And so

I guess that's.

But you have to step out of one thing for that, Amanda.

What?

Tell me.

Is that the notion is I will get there when everything else is done.

Rather than I will get, you know, when everything will be organized, every closet, every game,

you know, everything prepared for tomorrow morning.

When I'm done doing duty, then I can go to desire.

And interestingly, you know, the issue is really more, nothing will ever be fully done.

I've got 20 years of this to go, you know, but I am going to give myself the permission tonight to shift.

The toy stay on the floor and I bring out the woman that is behind the mother.

or I bring out the sensual being that is behind the worker, productive woman.

And I invite that person in because I give her that permission rather than thinking that she has to be perfect first in this other category and then only she'll get a little bonus.

And can we suggest that?

Maybe we invite that woman forward in a way that is not just for our partner first, because that feels sometimes like it's adding more duty.

Like now here I am as a role of maybe

yourself.

I'm not talking, oh, so glad you bring this up, Lynn.

I'm not talking about, you know, preparing yourself for, I'm talking about you two are going to sit this morning when you drink your coffee and not everybody sits while you're running around like a chicken without a head taking care of everybody, making sure everyone has what they need.

You're going to sit down too, because you too get your four minutes to just sip your coffee or tea or whatever it is.

It's small things like that, where you don't resent the fact that you don't matter and that you come last, you make the space in small ways for you to say, I too have a place and I exist.

And I'm not just there to exist by virtue of how well I take care of everybody else's needs.

Esther, is there a way that people can,

because this, for me, this is like a chicken, what is it?

A cart and a horse thing.

What comes first?

If two people are just dead in a relationship, isn't there an argument for each of them rediscovering their erotic selves, whether it's pursuing some sort of interest or, you know, just reawakening that self separately before they try the coffee?

Because it's like there's no selves left anymore.

Like when I think of sister, I want her to be able to like reawaken this part of herself.

on her own first, not in relation to anybody else, because there, doesn't there have to be an I

to even have like, I see you?

Like, but I think that's what she's saying.

She's saying like you deserve the dignity of sitting at the table.

You take it.

Take it for yourself.

And then once you, once you have the dignity, you have the worthiness.

Once you have the worthiness, you're worthy of pleasure.

Once you have pleasure, you decide what the hell kind of pleasure you want and go get it.

You got it.

Rather than waiting for somebody else to grant it to you or feeling that you can only get it if you leave the house.

Yeah.

Which, of course, is what we've done.

You know, people understand that the domestic is suffocating.

Let me go find, you know, freedom and fresh air and a sense of who I am elsewhere.

But then when you come home, you get the same thing.

So it's really a both end.

It's a both end.

We know that couples who do well are couples who innovate, do new things together, take risks together all the time, and are not just counting on each other for it.

But I think that what Amanda described is exactly one line.

And then, parallel to that, there is the line of maybe I go with my partner and we do something, you know,

every once in a while that is just purely pleasure is the measure.

It doesn't accomplish anything.

There's nothing productive to get from it.

We go play.

It's another version of going to play.

Could be dancing, could be sport, whatever it is, but it's not about, you know, doing something that's good for you.

No puritanical other thing attached to it.

The coffee is a very good example.

The coffee, the I'm going to sit and read for 10 minutes.

It really is the

effort is about the woman in this instance giving herself the permission that she deserves this.

In fact, she doesn't even have to deserve it, that she wants this.

You know, wanting, you know, deserving is the wanting for the deprived.

But that,

you know that she just wants it.

I'm going to take 10 minutes.

I'm going to just listen to something or listen to the podcast or whatever, you know, and then I'll go back to doing this.

It's okay.

Rather than continuing, pushing through, resenting it, being upset at the others, A, for not seeing how much I'm struggling and resenting it, B, for not stepping in and helping me, which no matter what they do, they won't do enough.

And C, hoping that if I'm so good at this, somehow they'll tell me, take a day off.

Take your day off.

It's breaking patriarchal norms, especially for anybody who's listening is in a heteronormative marriage or relationship.

Start in your own home.

Have a coffee and don't ask for permission.

Just take it.

Ask, sister, ask the the

quality control manager because this is this is the next step, right?

If we do the thing, if we drink the coffee, if we, that there's things that we have to let go or, sister, ask your question.

So this is my question.

I'm asking for a friend, Esther.

I love it.

So I'm happy to meet your friend.

She's lovely.

A little screwy, but lovely.

So

what happens in a relationship where,

I mean, in other contexts, you might call one a maximizer and a minimizer.

Well, but whatever it is,

the relationship, there's one person who has become like the default

quality

control manager, where if

they are the person that will bring our relationship seems to be suffering here, here's a way we could get deeper.

Is this working out for both of us?

And so, like, if something is going to be brought up, if something's going to be improved in the relationship or addressed, it would always come from the quality control manager because the other person either is seemingly fine with how everything's going or cannot or will not ever say it.

So,

what does that do to a relationship?

And what happens when the quality control manager is like,

I'm sick of

doing this exclusively?

There's a few different scenarios.

The first thing that comes to mind is when you go to your partner, and by the way, to Abby, the heteronormative is inside our head.

It's not just inside a particular structure of if you are in a straight relationship or not.

That's right.

So imagine you go and you say, you know, I want to bring up this and I'm wondering, you know, how this sits with you, et cetera, et cetera.

The first thing is really the response.

If the response is

a version of thanks for bringing this up, or I had never thought about it, but now that you're saying it, let's talk about this.

If the response is receptive,

you may wish that sometimes your partner also would do this, but you also know that you may be more attentive to this, and there is someone who is receiving you.

The difference is if you bring it up and someone is systematically saying, can we talk about something else?

Or, I don't know what you're talking about, or you always have to bring up something, it's never right enough for you, or

here's everything as a criticism of them,

not as a need of you, but as what's wrong with them, they're not doing enough, they're not, you know.

So, all those alternative scenarios become the thing that you actually fight about.

You don't fight about whatever you brought up in the first place.

At the same time,

in a good balance, you may be the one that often brings or always brings up if there is something we should talk about in the relationship.

But on the other hand, you have a partner who maybe sometimes, by virtue of how they are, lets you decide that maybe this time I don't have to bring it up.

It's okay.

Not everything needs to be fixed.

Not everything needs to be measured with the highest quality control.

We are fine.

Rather than he doesn't see anything and I see everything, it becomes he helps me sometimes decide what I need to see.

So that's the first thing is, is there a balance here where

you wish

that sometimes your partner would bring these things up.

You wish that sometimes your partner would initiate certain things.

But, you know, it's not about maximizer.

It's you see more.

you care about it more and there's a part of you that can't rest unless this has been addressed.

On the other side is someone who may not always know how to bring things up, has been thought to be okay with whatever is rather than wanting more,

maybe chose you because you are the quality control and knows that with you there will be a more in life,

but isn't the person that generates that.

And so I always say to people,

broaden the frame, because if you just go into the, I always bring it up, and then what happens, broaden it a second and look at these two traits within a larger set of complementarities in the relationship.

How does this thing balance each other?

You know, how much do sometimes the silence of one person, you know, basically,

does it calm you?

Or does it always make you feel like, you know, I'm the only one who cares?

Is your partner able to tell you i care no less but differently than you it's not because i don't want to improve things all the time that i'm not paying attention to things how multilingual can you become because we tend in a relationship to see the things through our own lens This is

amazingly powerful that lens.

And we interpret everything on the behavior of the other person through that lens.

We give to the other what we would want the other to give to us, but it isn't necessarily what they would want.

You know, if you want to be quiet after we've had a conversation and I want to talk, I'm going to talk because that's what I would want, you know, rather than understand that you need 24 hours and then you'll come back.

So it's these very minute things and it's not a one-size-fits-all.

That's very important for all of the questions that we receive is not to think that there is one,

one model.

You know, relationships really take place in the detail.

The first detail is when I said we need to talk.

If I have somebody who says, How long,

not what about, but how long, right?

That's a very different detail.

You know, this story is going to go into a very different direction than if I say, I need to talk and somebody says again,

or I need to talk and somebody says, Now what?

Or I need to talk and someone says, You know what, I can't do it now, but let's have a date tonight.

I'd love to hear.

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When you talk about speakers and listeners, and tragically, this will have to be our last question.

I feel like we started two minutes ago.

When you talk about, you know, people bringing things up or conflict, can you give us your best tips for what kinds of behaviors are, in general, constructive and helpful in terms of conflict?

And what

behaviors are destructive in conflict?

What are the best conflict resolution partnerships you see doing?

And what are the worst?

Okay.

The first thing I would say is the form is more important than the content.

Don't ever think that it's the issue.

The food, the shoes, the laundry, the toothbrush, the kids, the money.

It's not.

And one of the most useful things I learned was from Howard Markman, the researcher, way back when.

He said, most conflicts are about three things:

power and control.

The hidden message, the hidden agenda is power and control.

Whose priorities matter?

Whose needs are the ones that we pay attention to and not.

Two, care and closeness.

Can I trust you?

Do you have my back?

And three, respect and recognition.

Do you value me?

If when you speak and you say your shoes don't matter, what I feel is that you don't value me, the shoe is just another form, then my fighting is going to be about my value, about my integrity.

What people fight about is power, closeness, and care, care, and recognition.

That's the underlying stuff.

What destroys it is when you go into categorical statements.

You always, you never.

Because by definition, if you do that, I'm going to give you one example when that was not the case.

Why?

Because I don't want you to enter into my guts.

It's intrusive and you're not the owner of me and you're not going to tell me what I am.

So that's one.

Two, when you say you never, it's a metaphor.

It's an expression of your experience.

It's not a fact.

So understand that much of these conversations are pseudo-fact.

It's your subjective experience.

And that's valid, but it is that.

It is not the truth about the other.

It's the truth about how you feel.

Two different stories.

The third one is...

to know that there are times if somebody says, I don't want to talk about it now, that it's not just, it may be avoidance, but it is, but you're not going to get anything good if you keep pushing through.

So, wait, wait till things calm down.

Let the warmth come back a tiny bit and then have a discussion about what happened rather than in the midst of it when people are in fight and attack and defense mode and they're completely jarred up to try to have a resolution.

Very few people can do that.

So, so that gets to sister what you've always said: is this stupid idea of don't go to bed angry.

Is that the stupidest rule?

I feel like that tells us we should keep at the dead of night when we're at our absolute worst, when we're pissed at each other, when we're acting like second graders, we should keep talking about a bad thing.

No, I happen to think that it's perfectly okay to say, you know, I'm really mad right now.

We're not going anywhere with this.

We're going to go to bed, and hopefully, the night will do its integration and we will come back tomorrow and be better off.

This continuing, continuing, continuing with the hope of it, it very rarely solves something.

I mean, you're going to have somebody, as you were saying before, Glennon, where Abby would say, okay, you're right, you know, but you're right really means I have enough of this.

Can this be done?

This is done.

Enough, enough.

You know, it has nothing to do with you right.

It could be, you know,

it's just a nicer way of saying, you know, enough or shut up.

So, no, I think sometimes people do go to bed angry.

I think sometimes people go and sleep in a different room for a night.

And that's fine, too.

It's, you know, the symbolism of this, we slept in a different, you know,

you was better off.

It's okay.

Come back tomorrow morning and just say, and then it's the big thing.

Say the thing that you can take responsibility for.

I know that this is going to be very sad for many because we're going to have to say goodbye to Esther right now.

But

luckily for all of us, Esther is going to be back for our next episode to answer so many of your beautiful relationship questions.

I am already so excited for it.

Come back here, and we'll all hear more from the amazing Esther Perel.

And in the meantime, when life gets hard, and it will,

all of you, we're going to remember

you can do hard things, and we're going to keep doing them together.

Okay,

see you soon.

I give you Tish Milton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire, I came out

the other side.

I chased desire,

I made sure I got what's mine.

And I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on the map

A final destination

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do a heart game.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes things fall apart.

And I continue

to believe

the best

people are free.

And it took some time,

but I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurers, and heartbreaks are back.

Our final destination

lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do a hard pain.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that.

We might get lost, but we're okay with that.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places

they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to belong.

We'll finally find our way back on.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

can do hard

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