260 - The December Monologues

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner.

Happy holidays.

Hope you got all your present purchasing sorted.

But if not, there are gifts you can give that require no shipping at all.

You have a Night Vale lover in your life?

Well, give them a Patreon membership to Night Vale.

For the $10 category, we host a monthly book club, monthly Zoom hangouts with me and Joseph, quarterly bonus episodes, an ad-free feed, and so on and so on.

We're at patreon.com/slash welcome to nightvale.

Or maybe they'd like a recording of one of the Night Vale live shows.

Also over on patreon we have video recordings of our 2020 and 2021 live stream shows you can buy those without a membership and we've got every single one of our live touring shows available in album form at nightvale.bandcamp.com plus we have the nightvale role-playing game coming out in 2025 you could pre-order that bad boy print out the receipt slide it into a card and hand that over delicately to your nightvale pals they would love it so that's last minute gift ideas but maybe you're not worried about gift giving and you just want stuff for you.

Well, we've got a couple of new shirts in our store, including one that says New Year, New York, you've been replaced.

Maybe you just want creepy spider leggings.

It's all up to you.

Our store is at welcome to nightvale.com.

Click on store.

Finally, don't forget to listen to season two of our other fiction podcast, Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.

And if you've already listened and you liked it, don't forget to give us ratings and reviews.

That will help us land more seasons of that show.

Fingers crossed.

That's all for now.

We'll be back February 1st with new episodes of Night Vale.

And hey, have a happy solstice.

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Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner.

Happy holidays.

Hope you got all your present purchasing sorted.

But if not, there are gifts you can give that require no shipping at all.

You have a Night Vale lover in your life?

Well, give them a Patreon membership to Night Vale.

For the $10 category, we host a monthly book club, monthly Zoom hangouts with me and Joseph, quarterly bonus episodes, an ad-free feed, and so on and so on.

We're at patreon.com/slash slash welcome to nightvale.

Or maybe they'd like a recording of one of the nightvale live shows.

Also over on Patreon, we have video recordings of our 2020 and 2021 live stream shows.

You can buy those without a membership.

And we've got every single one of our live touring shows available in album form at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

Plus, we have the Night Vale role-playing game coming out in 2025.

You could pre-order that bad boy, print out the receipt, slide it into a card, and hand that over delicately to your Night Vale pals.

They would love it.

So that's last-minute gift ideas, but maybe you're not worried about gift giving and you just want stuff for you.

Well, we've got a couple of new shirts in our store, including one that says New Year, New You, you've been replaced.

Maybe you just want creepy spider leggings.

It's all up to you.

Our store is at welcometonightvale.com.

Click on store.

Finally, don't forget to listen to season two of our other fiction podcast, Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.

And if you've already listened and you liked it, don't forget to give us ratings and reviews.

That will help us land more seasons of that show.

Fingers Fingers crossed.

That's all for now.

We'll be back February 1st with new episodes of Nightvale and hey, have a happy solstice.

They tell us that winter has not even begun.

And yet we know this to be untrue.

The world slows into the cold.

People gather to eat, to sing, to revel, to fight, to keep warm.

Anxious travelers press themselves into long lines and tiny seats.

They tolerate families and focus on washing dishes instead of conversations.

Gifts are given, promises are made, and snow, soft as kitten's fur, temporarily hides the gray grass beneath.

It is December.

And so, dear listeners, Gather around the candles and tinsel and firelight.

Nightvale Community Radio is proud to present the December monologues.

Sit down, Jim.

We need to talk.

I said, sit down, Jim.

Look over here.

Don't look at the effigy.

Look at me.

I'm in the corner.

To your left.

Your other left, Jim.

Yes, that's it.

I'm the silhouette of stringy hair.

I'm the crooked neck.

I'm the arms like branches.

I'm the shadow of the moon.

I'm the shape of your anxiety.

I'm the faceless old woman.

See me now, Jim?

Sit down.

Stop looking at the effigy.

It's just...

an art piece that I have been working on.

I'll tell you about it in a bit.

But for now, we need to discuss your daughter, Marcia.

She's being bullied at school, Jim.

She's tried to tell you about it, but you haven't been listening.

When you grew up, bullying was different.

These kids aren't hitting Marsha.

They're not playing pranks.

They're saying mean things.

About her size, about her clothes, about her intelligence, about her personality.

They say these things with the quietest of breaths so that they are not heard by teachers.

They say these things online, with just enough information for Marcia to know who they mean, but not enough to incriminate their true malice.

These girls, Lila and Lisa, they are masterful manipulators.

You know the type, Jim.

Those horrible people whose outward charm fills the air like incense, hiding the stench of their wickedness.

I've known lots of people like Lila and Lisa, Jim.

I don't like them.

What I'm asking from you is, Jim, stop looking at the effigy, please.

Yes, it's made out of human hair.

So what?

Some fingernail clippings, too.

That's how I got such detail around the eyes.

Also twine and hot glue.

It's a basic craft project, and it doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about.

Not yet.

So, I've been thinking about Lila and Lisa, and one option is for you to speak to Marsha's teachers about what's happening.

Of course, you don't really take Marcia's story seriously.

They're just mean girls, you say.

Sticks and stones, you say.

Honey, you're much smarter than those two, you say.

And none of that is helpful, Jim.

Perhaps we should take this matter directly to the school.

That said, without any proof of what these girls are saying and doing to Marsha, the administration's not going to be of much help.

Plus, it might make matters worse if Lila and Lisa think Marcia's being a snitch.

But who knows?

Blue skying here.

No bad ideas.

Option two is for you to talk to Marsha.

To her, not at her, Jim.

Ask her questions about these girls.

Find out how Marcia feels.

Let her say it herself.

In other words, Jim, listen to her.

This is probably the best option.

But given that you keep staring at my effigy, despite me repeatedly telling you not to, I lack faith that you even know what listening is.

Jim, look at me.

I know the effigy is moving on its own.

It's lumbering toward you.

It's not going to harm you, Jim.

Not intentionally.

It's learning how to use its body.

See, right now it's figuring out how to widen its eyes and distort its mouth.

It's only inches from your face, Jim.

Don't scream.

You'll startle the poor thing.

And I can't make any promises if you startle the effigy.

To recap, option two is listening.

Let's rank that above option one for now, though they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Finally, option three.

This is my favorite.

We take matters into our own hands.

Or, you know what?

I can handle option three myself.

You look preoccupied right now, what with the effigy trying to devour you?

Jim, it's made out of hair.

I haven't even put teeth in it yet.

Hair can't harm you.

Pretend it's an overly friendly cat or something.

Just let it do its thing.

It'll get bored and leave.

Anyway, option three is where I pull out Lila's and Lisa's teeth in their sleep.

Well, I'll start the process while they're sleeping, but there's no chance they'll stay asleep.

And then I'll take those teeth.

and put them into my effigy, along with all of the hair and fingernails I've already taken from them.

With the effigy fully complete, we burn it.

The end.

No more bullying.

What do you think?

You look unconvinced, Jim.

Shocked, even.

You want to know what happens to Lila and Lisa after I burn their effigy?

You're nodding, Jim, but you only think that you want to know.

I promise that you do not.

Is that a no?

You don't like option three?

That's disappointing.

Okay,

let me add one more thing.

Hear me out, Jim.

So, I already collected those teeth.

And since I've already done the hardest part, it does seem like a waste to...

You know what?

You're right.

No option three.

But...

You have to promise to do option two.

Commit to it.

Really listen to Marcia, Jim.

Let her tell you about what she's going through, and we'll figure out the next steps after that.

You understand?

Good.

I am going to put the teeth into this effigy, though, just in case.

Oh,

is that a new sweater?

Jim, that red really brings out your eyes.

The year has grown so incredibly old.

Soon there will be parties, there will be champagne, there will be a countdown, there will be a new number to replace the old number, and we will barely notice because we no longer need to write checks.

Still, some kind of payment always comes due.

We return now to the December monologues.

And we're back.

I'm your DJ, Michelle Nguyen, owner of Dark Owl Records, and you're listening to KDRK, your one-stop pirate radio station for the most obscure tracks you've never heard anywhere else and will never ever hear again.

If you hear a song that you've heard on today's show at some other time in your life, even if it's in the far future or distant past, I will send a cease and assist letter.

So just be chill, okay?

Don't be trying to hear songs more than once, no matter how much you love them.

If you can't handle a little self-control, you've tuned in to the wrong show.

This show is all about fleeting joy, feeling the pain of loss before something's even over.

Remembering how a song made you feel, but nothing about the actual lyrics or melody.

If you're the kind of person who needs to examine every little detail of the things you love instead of just enjoying the sensation as it hits you and moving on immediately without looking back, again,

this is not the show for you.

I understand if that sounds extreme, but before you tune out, I want you to ask yourself a question.

Where does all this repetition really get you?

Nothing will ever equal the excitement of the first time you hear your new favorite song.

You immediately have the impulse to listen to it again and again to the point where you learn every word and note.

And that can feel really, really satisfying at first.

But there's always a peak, isn't there?

That moment where you heard it just one too many times, now you know it too well.

Honestly, it almost bores you.

You might not want to admit that.

You might still claim to love that song and call it one of your favorites, but the truth is,

you barely listen to it anymore.

Maybe you never do.

So now you're lying to yourself.

Sure, you can sing the whole thing from memory, but is that the same thing as love?

Or is that just intimate knowledge?

I know it can be hard to tell sometimes.

On this show, we don't put ourselves in that position.

We only have that first listen, that high of discovery.

The surprise of a hidden emotion suddenly unlocking inside yourself.

The rush of having your mind blown, wondering how such a piece of art was even accomplished, and was that a bagpipe you heard in the background, but accepting that you'll never know.

On this show, you don't have to chase every little thing that makes you feel good until you totally ruin it for yourself.

Isn't that freeing?

And the thing is, you will hear absolute bangers on KDRK.

I'm

truly sorry about that.

I just have really good taste and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'll tell you right now, it's not going to be easy to let go of these songs once you hear them.

But that's what makes them so special.

If it helps, try to remember you're not alone.

Other people are listening right now too.

We're all sharing this moment in time and sound together.

And maybe one day, you'll meet someone who heard the same song you did.

And maybe it meant just as much to them as it did to you.

You'll try to remember it together.

You won't be able to, of course.

You'll both hum tuneless tunes and mumble random lyrics that don't make sense.

And the more you try to do it, the less like the original song it'll sound.

But the more you'll bond with that other person.

It's way more powerful to want something together than to have something together.

I'm going to to stop talking now and get to the music.

This is Michelle Nguyen, and you're listening to Katie RK, broadcasting live out of the break room at Dark L Records.

Oh, and sorry if you tried to come into the store and buy something while I've been on the air.

I'm busy, come back later or whatever.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

First up.

is a genre I just learned about called Velocirat, which is hip-hop beats over recreations of what different species of dinosaurs might have sounded like.

It's very old school.

After that, a set of post-neo supermarket wave music that was once alternative and is now played in the background at the grocery store, remixed with ambient tracks of shoppers, employees, and sale announcements.

Stay tuned for your all-time favorite song that you'll never ever hear again.

The sun leaves work early in winter.

An inconvenience for all of us, because winter is the time we need its warmth the most.

There must be a celestial union that regulates the number of hours the sun can work.

And we respect that, begrudgingly, of course, As we drive home from our jobs, thankful only for the sluggish clouds that hide the moon from our eyes.

No one's in the mood for your dim poetry, moon.

We would rather listen to the December monologues.

Hi, thanks for having me.

So your offices are...

Well, they're certainly something.

Security's a little intense.

I thought they might kill me.

Wow, so this is what it's like in a big tech startup.

Seems very cool.

Although I pictured more free coffee bars and hammock desks rather than a stark barely lit warehouse.

But it's super hip.

I hear Google is planning to redo all of their offices as dim cavernous warehouses.

It's absolutely the look these days.

So great job!

Sorry if I'm rambling.

Job interviews always make me nervous.

Oh, a little bit about myself.

Let's see.

I'm Steve Carlsberg.

I was born and raised right here in Nightvale.

Like all kids here, I crawled out of the cave when I was seven with no memory of who I was before.

What else?

Uh whoa, my favorite fruit is apple.

Also my favorite kind of computer

Just kidding, I'm a Linux guy

and what's your name

if you told me you'd be compelled by an unseen force to stab yourself in the throat with a pencil oh then definitely don't tell me say no more

sorry go on with your questions

my biggest weakness oh that's a good one

I'd say it's probably that I require food to eat and if anything pierces my fleshy outer coating, I get severely injured or die.

My biggest strength?

Organization.

I'm very organized.

One time that I solved a problem at work.

Let me think about that.

Well, there was that time that an evil company slash religious organization occupied our town and I threw their leader through a portal.

I do feel I handled that situation very well.

And that guy ended up fine anyway.

Oh, maybe a better example.

I'm the one who set up the birthday card rotation at the bank I work at.

I was proud of that too.

What did I do this year to expand my knowledge?

Wow, that's a fun one.

Obviously, the answer is nothing.

Learning, while not illegal, is socially frowned upon.

Can't get me to admit to that, but good try!

Oh, you want to know about the three-year gap on my resume in the 90s?

Totally understandable.

I was in prison for bank robbery.

Just one of those things.

Banks really do not like it, no.

What are my feelings on absolute secrecy?

Oh, that's a new one.

You usually usually don't get that one in job interviews, so I didn't practice for it, if I'm honest.

Wish I had known you'd ask that.

Well, the bank I work at doesn't know I'm also the one who robbed it back in the 90s, so I've kept that secret.

Please don't tell them, by the way.

You get used to not talking in this town, as I'm sure you know.

Or maybe you don't.

Were you raised here?

Oh, you're just kind of giving me an arched eyebrow, which could mean anything.

Kind of looks like a Boston eyebrow.

Are you from Boston?

Oh, now you're humming green sleeves, which is a classic Cincinnati thing, so that answers that.

And uh, yes, I'm okay with secrecy, although I don't love keeping things from my family.

Oh, you have a sample problem to solve.

How many windows are in New York City?

Oh, that's a fun one.

Oh, let's talk it out.

There are a lot of buildings in New York City, and all of those buildings have a lot of windows, so I'd have to say just a ton of windows.

Is that right?

Yes?

Cool!

Am I not tall or am I not short?

Well, I've always been told that I'm not tall, but if I'm honest, I like to think of myself as not short.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, this question wasn't in any of the interview guides.

Okay, this one is a little complicated, so I'm just going to repeat the question back to you to make sure I got it right.

Have I ever seen a dark planet of awesome size, lit by no sun?

An invisible Titan, all thick black forests and jagged mountains and deep, deep turbulent oceans?

A monster spinning soundless, forgotten?

Did I get that right?

Great!

The answer is no, I have not.

Do I have any questions for you?

Just a few, I guess.

What does the labyrinth logo on all those trucks mean?

And what's inside all these glowing crates?

Can I look in one?

Oh, goody!

Let me just take out my crowbar.

Oh, no worries, I always carry one with me.

Better to be prepared than be despaired, as my mother always used to say.

Okay, and that's open.

And oh,

oh, my.

The end of the year,

the end of the December monologues.

But it is not the end of all there is to say.

More will be said,

though

in some other year.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams and produced by Disparition.

The voice of the faceless old woman is Mara Wilson.

The voice of Michelle Wynn is Kate Jones.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Blue Sky at Nightvale Radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at NightvaleOfficial.

Or stand on your roof and offer to debate God.

Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

We are off next month, so now is a great time to catch up on our other shows like Unlicensed, Good Morning Night Vale, and Within the Wires.

Today's proverb: The owls are not what they seem, but deer sure are.

They are the most deer-looking deer you could imagine.

Like, wow, look at those deer.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.