244 - A Multiplicity of Kevin

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It's like movies for your ears, but in written word form.

We have four script collections that are fully illustrated with behind-the-scenes intros for every single episode.

And then we have three novels.

The first Welcome to Nightfall novel, in which two women have their lives turned upside down by a mysterious man in a tan jacket.

We reveal the origin of that, the man man in the tan jacket in that one.

Then the New York Times best-selling thriller, It Devours, in which we really try to get to the bottom of a certain smiling god.

Finally, my favorite, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home.

Part Pirate Adventure, Part Haunted House, all Faceless Old Woman.

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Welcome to Night Vale.

I will get right to the news because, well, it's a doozy.

It seems that the boy we found in Grove Park, who, it turns out, and this is kind of a funny story, is a younger version of my old arch enemy Kevin, has decided he must kill his double currently living in the desert otherworld.

Which is to say that the boy Kevin wants to kill the adult Kevin.

I'm sorry to go over such basic everyday stuff again, but sometimes it's helpful to remember the mundane little details like this.

Anyway, the boy has broken into my husband Carlos' science lab next door to Big Rico's pizza.

He has barricaded himself in there and is attempting to use the scientific equipment in order to enter the otherworld and confront himself.

While I am no Kevin fan, we have been at a delicate truce with Desert Bluffs for many years now, and I am worried about what this kind of provocation could mean for Nightvale's future.

Carlos is trying to negotiate with the boy using a megaphone, saying things like, hey, there's some fragile beakers in there.

Please try not to smash them.

And maybe consider not causing a rift between universes.

Tamika Flynn has her own competing megaphone with which she is saying, Kevin, this is not your mother, but it is your legal guardian.

Let's talk about this.

Do you also have a megaphone?

They make your voice so loud.

It's fun!

I will keep you updated on this standoff as the standing continues to off.

But first, the community calendar.

Monday is band practice at the rec center, so no matter what you hear from inside, don't go in.

You wouldn't like what you'd see.

The rec center will be closed for the rest of the week for cleaning and repairs.

Tuesday is all-you-can-eat day at the Denny's.

It's just $5 and you won't be able to eat again for the rest of your life.

So, you know, try to cram a lot in there while you can.

Wednesday, the Nightfail High School Theater Program will be presenting their production of Godspell.

This is a new, un-immersive presentation of the show, show, adapted to keep you as distanced as possible from the material.

In it, a bored teenager will read you the Wikipedia summary of the play while simultaneously playing Call of Duty.

All proceeds from the performance will be donated to the FBI

because they seem to be doing a great job lately.

Thursday is my day off, so please try not to do anything worth reporting on during that day.

Maybe stay in bed with your hands tucked under your body and your eyes closed while humming to fully block off interaction with the world.

Any events that happen on my day off that I cannot report on will be taken as a direct offense to me, personally.

Friday is volunteer day at the community garden.

They need someone to be buried alive in the rich loam to ensure that the tall beans and the blooming flowers keep growing for another year.

So head on down and volunteer.

If there are no volunteers, someone will have the volunteering done for them by a gang of people in black hoods who will enter their bedroom on a cold early spring night chanting, the soil eater has been chosen.

So maybe someone should just volunteer and get it over with.

Saturday is RC car racing at the vague, yet medicing, government agency's West Nightvale office.

No one is allowed to attend and results are highly classified.

Merely knowing that this event exists puts your life in danger.

And Sunday, there will be a lost little girl wandering in Grove Park.

She will wear a bedraggled white dress and her face will never quite be visible no matter the angle or light.

She will ask you to come into the woods with her to find her mother.

You hadn't remembered there being being woods in Grove Park, but there they are.

Hundreds of trees shrouded in fog, full of shadows and uncanny sounds.

You will take her hand, and her hand will feel like a brittle autumn leaf.

And she will lead you deep into those woods, so deep as the fog envelops you completely.

So that's on Sunday, if you want to clear your schedule.

This has been the community calendar.

Terrible news, listeners.

Carlos has confirmed that the boy has successfully opened a stable doorway into the other desert world and is now standing at the threshold calling Kevin's name, which is to say his own name, as he is also Kevin.

There can only be one.

shouts the boy.

The mathematics of reality demand it.

He is holding a knife.

Only the wasteland answers him in that empty voice of the desert.

The boy knows that if he goes into that other world, time will pass differently and so he does not step through the doorway and no one emerges to confront him.

There is a new standoff now between the boy and the complete absence of reply.

The boy goes red.

and furious.

You are afraid, he shouts.

Although, it is not clear whether he is talking to himself or the other himself.

And now for a message from the Nightvale Medical Board.

Kids are just people.

I know they look very small and not burdened with regret and sorrow like a normal person, but they are a kind of person nonetheless.

And like any person, they occasionally need medical care.

That's where doctors come in.

Take Dr.

Jennifer Newport, or Dr.

Jen as the kids call her, since they can't pronounce her unusual first name.

Dr.

Jen has her practice in that old factory out in the scrublands.

The one that spews black smoke at night?

The one that no one remembers having been built.

It was just there one Wednesday eve already looking old and abandoned.

Dr.

Jen wants you to bring your kids there.

She has such wonders to show them, such as making sure they're up to date on their vaccines and checking their eyesight.

She will give them a lollipop when they're done.

She's just a normal pediatrician.

No weird stuff.

Real estate is expensive in nightvale, so the old factory is the only office she could get.

But don't worry.

Almost no one disappears in its long twisting halls, lured away by gentle whispers from dark vacant rooms.

Hardly any at all.

And most of the ones that have disappeared have returned, as frantic pale faces pressed against the upper windows of the factory, only seen in the corner of your eye on moonless nights, so nothing to worry about.

Dr.

Jen, your children's health is paramount.

If anyone calls your name from deep within the factory, Please don't follow its beguiling voice.

We're in Suite 9F, right by the elevator.

This has been a message from the Night Vale Medical Board.

An update on the boy.

The boy squints into the distance of the portal.

A figure is approaching, at first Smudge, then shadow, then silhouette, and finally resolving into the older version of the boy.

This older Kevin gets to the edge of the doorway between worlds and sits down criss-cross applesauce.

Put down the knife, little one, he says in a gentle voice.

Let us talk like civilized people.

No, the boy says.

He is still standing, his entire body tense.

You get your own knife and you fight me.

Oh, the older Kevin says.

I don't need a knife.

His voice lowers, becomes dangerous.

I have

my teeth.

Tamika Flynn, worried about where this confrontation is going and deeply concerned to hear that her nemesis Kevin has returned, has used her power as a member of city council to declare a state of emergency.

All over town, sirens are going off.

Sirens wailing from the windows of long-abandoned farmsteads.

Sirens from rusty speakers standing crooked in the remote, windwashed desert.

Low, moaning sirens luring sailors to their death in a distant ocean.

The sky has gone red.

The color of warning.

The color of gore.

In the deep places, creatures stir.

A state of emergency is upon us.

Carlos, frantic, is tearing at the door of the lab with his bare hands, trying to get inside and stop whatever will happen next.

And through it all, Kevin the boy and Kevin the man are staring coolly at at each other, each of them waiting for the violence that is sure to begin.

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Kevin has stepped through the threshold.

He is holding out his hands in defense or greeting, I am unsure.

Perhaps a cautious mixture of both.

The boy does not hesitate.

He stabs at Kevin, but Kevin is too fast and slips away.

We don't have to do this.

There's still time for you, the older Kevin says while simultaneously lunging at the boy with sharp teeth.

The boy is not as fast as his grown self, and Kevin's jagged canines scrape deeply into his arm.

Blood wells.

The older Kevin does not breathe any faster or slower.

His heartbeat does not change at all.

The boy cries in frustration and stabs again.

This time Kevin plucks the knife from his hand and throws it away.

And then with some wicked movement of his jaw, the boy is once again bleeding, but the boy is not cowed.

He grabs at beakers and flasks, hurls them at his older self's head.

Outside, Carlos yells, Dang it!

I said please don't shatter my beakers!

The sirens blare.

The sky is as red as the blood on the walls of the lab.

The two Kevins lash and lunge at each other.

You are relentless, the older Kevin says.

I understand relentless.

Even as a boy, I was a true believer, searching for something to believe, but, and he draws blood again.

But, he finishes.

I cannot let you end me.

Oh,

they knocked out the security cameras, So

I'm not sure what's happening now.

I'll give you an update as soon as I have it.

Sorry to do this, folks, but I just wanted to take a moment to do a bit of a Cecil rant, as it were.

Why do they sell hot dog buns in packs of eight, but non-fat vanilla Greek yogurt in tubs of one?

Okay, so I've opened up my tub of non-fat vanilla Greek yogurt and I've slopped it onto a hot dog bun for a light afternoon snack.

Now what am I supposed to do with the other seven buns?

Buy seven more tubs of non-fat vanilla Greek yogurt?

How is that economical?

When are the fat cats on Wall Street going to understand that they can't keep pulling this fast one on us?

We want one simple thing.

A hot dog bun absolutely glopped over with non-fat vanilla Greek yogurt.

And if they won't give it to us, well, maybe they won't like the alternative.

We can do this the hard way or the easy way, corporate America.

So how about you give me a hot dog bun with an astonishing amount of non-fat vanilla Greek yogurt on it, and we can all go about our days.

Rant over.

I just had to get it off my chest, and I'm sure I spoke for a lot of you out there.

The door to Carlos's lab is opening.

Someone is emerging.

It is Kevin.

The adult Kevin, I mean.

I haven't seen Kevin in Nightville since.

Since.

Well, the last time was a bad time for us all, as I'm sure you remember.

Kevin is covered in blood, although I'm not certain if that is from the fight or just how he usually looks.

He is holding up his hand to silence the crowd, although they were already dead silent in horror.

He is smiling.

My God.

A terrible sight.

And he is speaking.

Let's go right to hearing that just after we hear the weather

The subtle death that the pleasure brings

is almost better than the real thing

So

inside if you wanna die

I'll drive

A bloody game that we do for sport

Hiding over by the airport

Pull the chain till the motor runs

And I'm done

The subtle death that the pleasure brings

is almost better than the real thing.

So get inside if you wanna die.

I'll try.

The sudden move when I kissed us not

What would happen if we got caught

Just keep your hands there and do intend

Same when

the subtle death that the pleasure brings

Is almost better than the real thing

So get inside if you wanna die

I'll drive

The subtle death that the pleasure brings

is almost better than the real thing

So get inside if

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Can a person change?

That is the central question of our lives.

So much of our time is spent trying to change.

Trying to become small or big.

Trying to become powerful or peaceful.

Trying to find a center or throw ourselves into the wild borderlands.

So many books and videos and gurus all trying to answer the question, can a person change?

Which is funny if you think about it, because the main truth of our lives is that we do change.

Obviously, we are not the same person at 2 as we were at 22,

nor are we the same person at 42 or 92.

These changes happen to us.

So, It was the wrong question we were asking.

Because we know that a person can change.

The real question is, do we want to change?

The issue is not method, but desire.

In our hearts, we want everything to stay the same.

That distance from the change that is inevitable and the stasis we desire

is the final tragedy of the human race.

This boy, a younger version of me, maybe

this boy could be saved, could be changed from the path I've taken.

But I don't think he wants to.

In his heart, he wants what I want,

because

I am him.

And so, he will choose what I choose, because it's what I did.

Well, Night Vale.

I'll see you again soon.

And next time I won't be alone.

This is not the kind of problem I can handle on my own.

Many hands, after all, make light work.

Kevin turned, walked back into the lab, and then through the portal, returning to the desert otherworld.

Carlos rushed in through the now open door.

The boy was sitting against the wall, bloody, but alive.

He was crying, but his face was determined.

The boy spoke.

I wasn't good enough, he said.

Next time,

I will be.

I don't like where this is heading.

I don't like it at all.

If I'm honest, listeners, this whole situation seems worrying.

Stay tuned next for a clap of thunder, which is weird because the sky is cloudless and still.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams.

It is produced by Disparition.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Kevin is Kevin R.

Free.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was If You Wanna Die by Brooke Pridemore.

Find out more at brookepridemore.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Instagram and Tumblr at NightvaleOfficial.

We now have a TikTok at Night Vale Official as well, so check that out.

Most importantly, check out WelcomeTonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

No weird billionaires involved.

You can learn about things like our live show, The Attic, which tours North America in April, and our Patreon, which is the thing that allows us to make that show, if you want to help that happen.

Today's Proverb.

I told my kid all about the birds and the bees.

They fly in defiance of God, I said.

Horrible creatures, I muttered.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

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Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.