Excerpt: The Haunting of Night Vale (Live)

Here's something I say a lot, but it's just the truth.

We couldn't make this show without our Patreon.

It is by far the biggest way we are able to pay everyone working on the show, from the writers to the actors, to Jessica, who does original artwork for every single episode, to Joella, who does all the back-end business stuff.

All of these people are able to pay their bills, and we are all able to put out the show because of our Patreon.

We try to give some cool rewards as a thank you.

Four bonus episodes a year that are not released on the main feed, ad-free versions of our episodes, monthly Zoom hangouts with the Nightfall Writers, director's notes on every episode, a brand new book club we are launching led by the Nightfale Writers, and even the chance for you to appear in future Nightfall episodes as a character.

So, all of that is there, but also just the knowledge that this thing exists in the world that otherwise wouldn't, and you are part of that.

So, consider heading to welcometonightvale.com and clicking on Patreon and becoming a patron or upgrading your existing membership.

We deeply, truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

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But in the meantime, we have a live show for you to listen to right now.

The Haunting of Nightvale, which we toured to over 60 cities and 15 different countries.

That show is no longer touring, but the recording is available to you at this very moment.

You just go to our Bandcamp page.

It's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can get the whole show.

So if you saw it and loved it and want to hear it again, awesome.

If you did not get a chance to see The Haunting of Night Vale, it's so creepy, so funny, so much fun.

You can listen to the whole thing right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

And if you're excited for our live shows, we hit the road again in late September.

Just go to welcometonightvale.com and click live shows.

It'll be a brand new script.

And it will, as always, star Cecil Baldwin featuring Symphony Sanders with original music by Disparition.

We'll have more details on this new live show soon, but you can get your tickets right now at welcome to Nightvale.com and clicking on live shows.

But for now, here's a bonus track from our last live show, The Haunting of Night Vale.

This one features Cecil and Sheriff Sam, played by the inimitable Emma Franklin.

We hope you enjoy it.

We hope you get the whole album over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

It is available soon as well at Apple and Amazon Music Stores.

Oh, and hey, thanks.

I'm doing my best to understand what is going on here.

I mean, I actually did some cleansing rituals because I thought that might help.

You know, I burned some sage, I electrocuted some rosemary.

I even tried punching the cumin, but

nothing.

I was so frustrated that I almost called the police, but that would have involved Sheriff Sam.

And then I feel like, I don't know, that was just too much for whatever's going on at my house.

Oh, Cecil.

It's Cecil.

Too much is never enough.

Listeners, please welcome Sheriff Sam.

Sheriff, why are you actually here?

Yes, well, you needed the police to deal with some ghosts, didn't you?

Well, I mean, I talked about it with my husband, but we never actually called the police.

No, you don't have to call the police for the police to hear you.

We don't even have a phone number anymore.

We just have microphones hidden in every single house, park, car, tree, bird, you name it.

You don't use 911 anymore?

We don't need it.

If you're in trouble, we already hear you screaming for help.

Yeah, that sounds just a little bit

convenient.

Yes, I know it does.

In fact, just this morning, Jackie Fiero, the owner of the Night Vale pawn shop, stubbed her toe on the corner of a glass-topped lacquer coffee table.

She screamed in pain, possibly fracturing a phalanges or two, and our microphones picked up her shouts along with many creative swear words, and my team of secret police were at her shop in minutes.

Wait, all of that for a stubbed toe?

Yes, we don't have cameras, just microphones.

I don't know if you know this, but an audio-only medium really needs detailed descriptions about what's physically happening.

I've heard.

You're probably unaware of that fact, but in actual fact, if I can ask for a moment all Night Vale citizens in future to clearly and carefully narrate every action that you're creating, as well as any action that is happening to you, that would help us so much.

For example, I am speaking aloud whilst gesticulating and then brushing my hair from my face in a slow sort of seductive sweep.

That sounds like a lot to ask of the citizens of Night Vale.

Oh, but that's beside the point.

Now,

you contacted the police because of a haunting?

Yes, I did.

Oh, well, I mean, okay, okay, okay, okay.

So Carlos and I are building this new house out on a robberose road.

Oh, yes, I've already been there.

What?

Investigated the whole place, inside and out.

Wait, you need a warrant to do that.

I'm the sheriff, not a vampire.

I can enter a home without permission, thank you.

Now,

what I found there was very strange indeed, Cecil.

Okay, so it's the one it's Cecil.

But, okay, did you see or hear any evidence of ghosts?

No.

But I found a video camera on the back lawn, and watching the footage, I saw a man in a wool cap.

He was talking directly into the camera, zoomed so close you could only see his eyes and nose.

He was crying and constantly looking over his shoulder, saying, I just want to apologize to my brother and my producer and to HGTV.

I'm so, so sorry.

It's my fault.

I insisted on the picture windows.

I insisted on the popcorn ceiling.

I insisted the wood backsplash was fine.

And it's all because of me that we're here now, hungry and cold and hunted.

I'm so sorry.

What's that?

I'm scared to close the polyurethane tubs.

I'm scared to open them.

I'm gonna die out here.

Okay.

Okay, one

wood backsplashes, not fine.

Two,

that sounds like one of the property brothers.

Did you ever find him?

Or?

No, we searched all through the house and we saw no one until we entered the basement.

It was dark except for a single flashlight.

The basement appeared empty until suddenly there was a man, a property brother, as you say, standing silently facing the corner of the dark, damp room.

What happened?

Well, I don't know.

What?

Well, it creeped us out, so we left.

What?

You're the police!

You like law and order, and you're supposed to be protecting our citizens!

Yep, you say we didn't become police to protect the citizens.

No, you're on your own, Cecil.

Cecil.

Cecil.

Cecil?

Cecil?

Cecil?

Cecil?

But if you should need us for a pickpocket or a jaywalker, just talk clearly into the dining room ceiling fixture.

Okay, ta-ta.

All right, thank you very much, Sheriff Sam, everyone.

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We

movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink.

Of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.