UNLOCKED Patreon bonus episode: Holiday

you know that for the last five years we have been making Nightvale episodes for our Patreon members that do not get released on our podcast feed?

It's true.

There are years of full bonus episodes, behind-the-scenes discussions, the in-world characters of Nightvale answering questions submitted by our listeners, and all sorts of fun oddities, like a full episode of Steve Carlsberg's In-World podcast, or the bonus episode we just released this month, which is the recording you hear if you are are unfortunate enough to be caught doing something against the rules in Nightfall.

That's a particularly fun one.

To give you a taste of what you can expect, we are putting up here the very first Patreon-only bonus episode we did back in 2018.

A fun one about Cecil and Carlos' honeymoon, which is interrupted by a very rude guest.

If you enjoy, I encourage you to head on over to welcome to nightfall.com and click on Patreon.

Or go to Patreon and just search for us.

There are five years of these bonus episodes waiting for you, along with director's notes on every episode, monthly Zoom hangouts with the Night Vale creators, the opportunity to have yourself inserted into the show as a character, and most importantly, we literally can't make this show without our patrons.

You would be helping our show exist.

So thank you, and we will see you with new episodes in August.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You know, kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't to know what a nightvale is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer vacation.

It's what comes between spring eviction and autumn vacancy.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, a tropical holiday.

Is there any sweeter combination of words in the English language?

Well, it is widely said that cellar door is the most beautiful phrase in English.

Interestingly, cellar door is also the leading cause of death among Nightvale citizens.

But we are not here to speak of the cellar people and their crimes.

We are here to listen to me talk about the great vacation I just had.

You know, the news.

Carlos and I had the most romantic trip for two, to the Dueling Palms Resort on the beautiful tropical island of Barambo.

We were celebrating our third anniversary together.

And anyway, after years spent in the searing heat of the desert, you just want to take a trip somewhere nice and cool, like the tropics.

He was thrilled when I surprised him with the tickets.

He said something about the two of us discovering discovering ourselves or something like that and I was like, okay, yeah, let's do that.

With margaritas by a pool.

The dueling palms was a jewel on a jewel within a jewel.

Those three jewels being a nice hotel, a beautiful island, and a crystal sea, respectively.

He said something about unpacking, and I said,

start with the bathing suit, bunny, because we are getting in that swimming pool.

Cecil came to me with the idea of a trip to Barambo, which is home to the rare, irksome screaming parrot and several tropical-flavored molecules that I had never been able to study in this desert climate.

It sounded like a truly great scientific expedition.

Yes, the two of us can make such discoveries together, I said, thinking already of the research papers we could generate just on the parasites that feed on the screaming parrot, let alone the never-before-mapped structure of the island tastic mango molecule.

Oh, can we?

He said.

Okay, sure, let's do that.

He seemed taken aback that I was bringing him in on the scientific process, but like surprisingly excited about it.

The Dueling Palms was a first-class resort, a third-class supermarket, and judged by the standards of a cutting-edge medical research center, it was, um, well, it was terrible, since it had few laboratories or medical equipment and mostly was made up of hotel rooms and swimming pools.

I'll just need to unpack my lab, set everything up, and then we can get right to work, I said.

He suggested we start with some aquatic research, and it seemed as good a place as any.

He never gets to do science, so I definitely wanted him to take the lead and research the things that interested him most.

I am the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home.

Yes.

I was there too.

Secretly.

But they weren't home.

They were in a hotel on vacation.

Why were you secretly living with them on vacation?

You might demand of me, if you were very brave.

Or very foolish.

I don't know.

I just kind of ended up there.

Not sure why or how.

But there are worse places to secretly live for a bit.

I secretly lounged.

I read a crime thriller.

Secretly, in a reclining beach chair.

Secretly, I got a tan.

And of course, I saw.

I always see.

There were several swimming pools, including a special pool that only those who understood time well enough to definitely say how old they were for sure were allowed to swim in.

That one had a swim-up bar, much fewer vortexes than the less luxurious pools, and the super-fun underwater speakers that played the pitiful cries of all those who had previously died in the pool.

We didn't just lounge and eat, of course.

I mean, that's mainly what we did, vacation and all that.

But we also did activities.

We ziplined, we rode horses, we rode horses on a zipline, which was complicated and terrifying, and I don't think the horses liked it much at all.

Ooh, we also went horse rioting, where we joined a group of horse activists, concerned about the structure of a society in which they are systematically displaced and often forced on capitalist ziplines against their will, and expressing those concerns by committing acts of property violence.

It was great fun.

The one thing I didn't get was Carlos kept asking us to walk around in the jungle or up hills and stuff.

It was tiring and not relaxing at all.

I came here to get away from it all, not to walk around experiencing and learning things until my feet ached.

The best part was definitely the hiking expeditions we took in search of the irksome screaming parrot.

I wore my hiking lab coat and plenty of water in various beakers strapped to my waist.

Cecil dragged along the portable broadcasting equipment even though he wasn't communicating with anyone.

He just doesn't like to be too far from a microphone at any time.

Isn't he adorable?

He is.

That was the answer to that question.

Like, scientifically, he is adorable.

I could show you charts.

Like, I should show you charts.

Let me get the...

Alright, never mind.

Never mind.

You don't need me to show you charts.

Just...

Empirically, he is adorable.

Just know that.

I will be honest, though, he's not the best research partner.

We both went on this trip for the same reason.

To make great scientific breakthroughs, but he lets his attention wander, preferring to spend much of his time wading about uselessly in that large in-ground tank of water, even after I had determined that it was filled with so many chemicals that there was absolutely nothing scientifically useful about it.

And then, even more bafflingly, he would want to just sit by this oh, for the lack of a better term, pool, of water and drink cold drinks.

But the tropical molecules, I would say, we need to study them.

Oh, delicious, he would say.

Are those under rum punches on the menu or somewhere else?

And he was always asking for tiny paper umbrellas with his drinks despite the fact that they would be totally useless against even the weakest tropical shower.

There are lots of reasons to love a relaxing tropical vacation, but I think the biggest reason is that you are often pursued by huge, venomous snakes.

Many snakes, acting in an unnatural, hyper-intelligent unison to hunt you.

Nothing reminds you more about how much you appreciate the one you love than when you take their hand, look deeply into their eyes, and then run screaming together as the snake converge upon your briefly human bodies across barren fields of lava rock black.

I watched so many couples get devoured.

Some by the snakes, some by the sharks, most by the unrealistic expectations they had placed on themselves to be different people and a different couple if only put into a different context, as if location was the same as self.

Which it is not.

You are you, wherever you are.

Only the quantity of deadly predators surrounding you changes.

It's like they say, you can't run away from yourself.

Although if you are ever out one day and see yourself coming towards you, something terrible is happening and you should at least try to run.

The scientist and his radio boyfriend were fine.

They had some experience with how life-threatening life is, and so hardly even noticed all of the things that could have killed them as they traveled.

It was left for me to notice, and to write down their every possible death and Sharpie on the insides of their t-shirts.

We opted for the private dinner for two, which was an absolutely picture-perfect romantic situation, in which we got a normal table in the middle of their crowded restaurant.

But they draped both of us and the table with a heavy canvas so that no one could see us and we could eat within that oppressively hot and completely dark bubble of romance.

Ah, it was just...

dreamy.

And the food was so fancy.

And by fancy, I mean it was small.

It was the smallest food.

There was a pizza the size of a quarter, a cheese plate that was mostly plate, and a hamburger so thin that it contained no meat at all.

Amazing what these chefs can do with these romantic date spots.

Carlos and I could not stop talking about how romantic it all was.

Because the key to making an evening romantic is to regularly announce that it is romantic.

He suggested a quick meal break from our studies, and I agreed.

A fed mind is a useful mind.

I will always be saying now that I've just thought of that.

Wow.

Anyway, but the meal break went on for some time, and he kept steering the conversation away from our science work and instead saying things like, look how tiny this steak is.

Isn't that just the most fancy romantic thing, how little food they're actually giving us?

But I don't see much romance in eating.

I see romance in work, in research.

Can you think of anything more romantic than working regularly with the person you love?

Having your vocation be entwined with your passion?

Your hands touching as you both try to write the same

long

equation on the same

chalkboard at the same

time?

Frankly, though, despite his repeated statements that he is definitely very into science these days, Cecil has never shown much interest in the subject, and that is okay.

Our interests don't have to match all of the time.

I could show you on this other chart where I've mapped it all out, but basically it's fine as long as our interests include each other and a respect for what the other person does.

And they do.

They very much do.

So this chart shows all of that.

See?

Oh, no.

You can't.

I don't know why I'm displaying a chart on the radio.

That was so silly of me.

Anyway, the meal, the tiny meal,

it was

okay.

I was also crouched under the canvas with them.

I like to crouch in the darkness with people when they think they are alone.

I often crouch right next to you when you are alone in the dark.

Imagine how startled you would be to switch on a light and find a faceless old woman just next to you, watching,

waiting.

I enjoy imagining how startled you would be.

The talkative one could not stop saying things like, listeners, this is so romantic.

And, community calendar time, tonight will be the pinnacle of romance.

Already is, in fact.

This has been the community calendar.

The scientist just wanted to eat his tiny bites of food and get out from under the canvas.

It was very hot in there.

Partly because I had built a little fire.

and was regularly clipping away bits of their napkins and adding those bits to the fire.

And then after the meal, they took a walk.

And it was here that the talkative ones stopped talking so much.

And the scientists stopped worrying about science.

And they walked hand in hand down the beach.

We walked hand in hand down the beach, and I looked at Cecil.

I looked at Carlos, and I understood that even though we were far from home.

Even though we were far from home.

In this distant place.

So different from our little town.

Despite this, I was not distant.

I was in a place I know well.

A place I know better than any.

Because in each other's arms.

In the arms of the one I love.

More than any other.

Or not even in the arms.

This is not only about touch.

Although it is also about touch.

But just near each other.

Close to.

Living their lives that were separate lives.

But separate lives lived together.

A hand, an arm, a laugh, a kiss.

A hand, an arm, a laugh, a kiss.

Or just the sleeping, the snoring and displaying of it.

The waking up together, bleary-eyed and warm.

We were far from nightvale, but we had never left home.

We were home the entire time.

A home with no geography.

A home that has no walls or roof.

A home that is not a place.

Not a place, but.

Not a place, but a person.

But a person.

A person.

And so, no matter how far we ever go, as long as we go there together, we will still be home.

A home that is not a place,

but a person.

Oh,

okay.

I get why I was there now.

Because I was secretly living in there.

You know.

Apparently I secretly live in metaphorical homes, too.

That's good to know.

That's good to know.

This is a great way to get some free vacations.

Well,

so anyway, there's a spider on your leg, and I think it can tell me valuable secrets about you.

I'm going to encourage it to have lots of children.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for taking me on vacation.

Thank you for going with me on vacation.

See you soon, Poot.

See you soon, bunny.

Well, listeners, it is great fun to travel the world with the one I love.

The world is terrifying and awesome, and moving around on it gives you new, exciting perspectives on what a dangerous and ultimately fatal place it is.

But...

Despite all the wonders of tourism, the romance of a romantic getaway,

There is nothing more solid and satisfying than a romantic...

oh, what's the opposite of a getaway?

A stay a here?

I don't know.

But I do know the only thing better than traveling around with the person I love is coming back again with the person I love.

We returned with shared memories, and they become part of our lives going forward, an ocean air, and cocktail-tinted waiver to our steady home life routine.

And each memory of it becomes a brief echo of that waiver for even a moment.

And each moment adds up to an entire life

made up of our echoing, wavering memories.

We had a good time in Barombo.

Oh.

I'm sorry that we accidentally sank it.

I thought that was just a large seashell I was picking up.

Eh, okay, I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Stay tuned next for the sound of some strange captive bird flapping uselessly against the bars that hold it.

And from a home that is made up of the person I love, not the location I love him in.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veef or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin.

The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Thanks for donating, everyone.

We couldn't do it without you.

Today's proverb: If you get lost in the woods, remember that moss grows on the north side of trees, and also on you if you are lost for too long.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.