228 - Diplomacy

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

But

no tiny que suffer for the moda con los precios vajos de la vuenta clases de Amazon.

Amazon, las tamenos sonriemas.

Speak strangely and carry an incomprehensible stick.

Welcome to Night Vale.

We apologize once again for accidentally providing a platform to Dr.

Janet Lou Bell of the University of What It Is.

A couple of weeks ago, I was tricked away from my post here at the station and she was allowed to broadcast freely over our airwaves.

I'm sure many of you experienced anger, sorrow, ear ulcers, maybe even peed yourself a bit, and that's my fault.

I should not have been so easily duped by her assistant, Dr.

Blake Jones.

He was just so convincing with his tiny little mustache, his narrow eyes, and knife wound of a mouth.

I'm more disappointed in myself than you are, Nightville.

But there's no such thing as an error, only a learning experience.

For instance, the Nightville Spider Wolves infield committed four learning experiences last night in a seven-run loss to the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters.

They can only get better from here.

And as station manager, I've doubled up the locks on the doors to keep Dr.

Lubell and her lackeys out of here.

Now, I've received some kind and understanding emails from listeners, and I'm really appreciative of those.

Like this one from Morris Sanderson, who said, Love your show, Cecil.

I always listen while running my blender.

I love running my blender.

It is very loud, and I love fast-moving blades.

I wish I could wear the blender as a hat every day.

I hope you'll do a show about hats someday.

Anywho, I was very sad to hear Dr.

Lubell's voice on the radio because it is not as good as yours.

Oh.

And also because she's a scientist.

And I think maybe we should run the scientists out.

They don't deserve to know about my hat ideas.

Thank you, Morris.

But I do want to caution you all that we're not against science.

Remember that we're all all on the same side, which is against Dr.

Lubell.

But we're also on the side that science is good.

As my husband Carlos says, science is objectively, empirically, and measurably very neat.

And he's right.

So let's love science, but hate the university of what it is.

And now the news.

Nightvale coroner Ryan Medellin has issued a report on the body dug up in the sand wastes earlier this month.

Officials believe these remains to be of former mayor Dana Cardinals doppelganger, or possibly Dana herself.

While interning at this radio station in 2013, Dana murdered her doppelganger with a stapler, or perhaps it was the other way around.

And the sheriff's secret police, as well as those terrible researchers at the University of What It Is, were hoping that this body would close the case on this mystery.

So now is Coroner Medine's printed report.

So yeah,

I got a trash bag a couple weeks ago from the sheriff's office and I finally got around to checking it out.

This is really good.

Oh my god, what is this?

A Reuben?

It's messy though.

And yeah, okay.

I finally got around to checking it out.

And I was a little busy because I adopted a new dog and she's just been keeping me awake at night flapping her wings in my face and screeching but at least she's eating all the mosquitoes so I love her.

I named her Robert.

Oh dang this bread is good.

Rye.

Oh

definitely Rye.

Oop and marble too.

Anyway after careful examination I

Ryan Medellin Knightville Corner can confidently declare that these remains are not of Dana Cardinal, nor are they of a doppelganger.

I know these remains to be a pile of Atari video game cartridges of the much-maligned film tie-in game E.T.

the Extraterrestrial.

Peace.

And with that report, it seems that the case is not closed on Dana Cardinal.

In fact, Dr.

Lubell has demanded a second opinion on the coroner's report.

She claims that coroners don't have to be actual medical professionals.

And Mr.

Medin clearly wasn't analyzing the body, but instead rummaging through a garbage bag he found at the back of the antiques mall.

Coroner Medein then issued a follow-up statement, which I will read here verbatim.

I'm thrilled that Nightville is refusing to cooperate with these monsters, but sadly, it doesn't seem to be working.

The University of What It Is has trailers and campers set up just outside the town limits.

They've legally obtained this land and there's no law to prevent them from entering our city.

Freezing them out has been impossible, but there's a new approach coming.

Tamika Flynn, who is a member of our city council, has taken on the role of diplomat.

Tamika wants to negotiate and reason with the university, imploring them to stop their scientific explanations because they're destroying everything we love.

Tamika begins talks today with Dr.

Blake Jones.

She has suggested that Pine Cliff is a much more scientifically interesting town because everyone there is a ghost.

Maybe check that place out instead.

But it was a no-go.

So she said, why not Sagebrush Valley?

They have cacti there that grow in the shape of horses.

They also have horses that have cactus-like skin.

Surely there's an interesting paper to publish from that, Tamika said.

But again, Dr.

Jones reiterated that there is no town more scientifically interesting than Nightvale.

They're not going anywhere.

Sadly, listeners,

I'm not so sure this tactful adult Tamika is as effective as teenage militia leader Tamika.

In fact, young people all across our city are calling for the formation of a new militia if Tamika has abdicated her responsibilities with the old one.

I love how civically minded youth today are.

And I know that diplomacy hasn't worked yet.

But let's give it a chance.

And now financial news.

The invisible corn market has collapsed.

Futures are trading at less than one cent after scientists from the University of What It Is explained that the many acres of invisible corn belonging to John Peters, you know, the farmer, are just infertile dirt fields.

He's been selling empty crates and calling it produce.

Everyone buying his invisible corn was being ripped off, according to these awful people.

Because of this, John has lost his entire clientele, his whole identity, his livelihood.

Plus, there is a massive shortage of invisible corn.

Or perhaps a glut of it?

No one is really sure what they've been eating if it was never really real to begin with.

John says he's doing fine and that no one should cry for him.

He's been meaning to pivot to a new career as a singer-songwriter.

He just put out a new album called Quiet Covers, 12 completely silent versions of folk classics.

So look for it on Bandcamp or just pretend you already have it.

He hopes you'll love it.

An update on diplomatic efforts.

Tamika's second round of meetings with the university did not not go well.

They just laughed and laughed when she offered tax-based financial incentives to focus their studies outside of Nightvale.

Dr.

Jones said they're too productive to leave.

Why, this morning alone they explained away Invisible Corn is non-existent, the demon-possessed girl on Williams Street as having an allergic reaction to her cats, and the Brownstone Spire as an unusual rock formation that someone wedged a Bluetooth speaker into.

Dr.

Jones said there's no way they could leave this gold mine of a city.

Unless, he said, unless there was an incredible story, something that was truly arcane or even supernatural.

Dr.

Jones said so much of what they've explained away so far has been commonplace.

There was the chupacabra that was simply a rabid coyote, and the UFO, which was a single-engine Cessna that forgot to file a flight plan.

That's boring, Dr.

Jones said.

But what if there was something truly beyond explanation?

Something that would take us months, maybe even years, to resolve.

And then Dr.

Jones got a glint in his eye and asked, what about the man Josh Creighton?

We hear he's a shapeshifter.

Someone said he turned into a waterfall in class?

We could study him.

Oh, we'd absolutely take him and then leave town.

That would be the the discovery of the century.

Tamika, truly insulted, said

no.

She refused to hand over any one of her citizens to these madmen.

She even went to Josh's mother, Diane, to warn her.

But Diane said Josh wasn't even in town.

Diane said he had gone to visit his father, but She looked away when she said it like she didn't even believe her own lie.

No one has seen Josh in days.

I hope he's okay.

Keep a lookout for a 23-year-old man who could look like absolutely anything.

And if you do find him, keep it to yourself.

We hope Josh is safe.

Wherever he is.

And now a public service announcement from the Nightvale medical community.

It's never too early to start thinking about your colon.

First thing in the morning, think about that colon.

Really,

envision it.

Colors, shape, texture.

Doesn't matter how early.

It's never too early to completely visualize your own colon.

Gross, you say?

Well, that's just your opinion, man.

Maybe you'd be healthier if you didn't think of your own body as a disgusting garbage pit of blood and poo.

Attitude matters, and we don't like the energy that you are bringing to this conversation.

Not one bit.

You know, you should learn to love yourself, like even the parts of you that handle the commode stuff.

Okay, look at you cringing and going, eww, pss.

Grow up.

You're a child.

This has been a PSA from the Nightvale medical community.

Frustrations have swelled to a new high in Nightvale after Councilmember Tamika Flynn's failed diplomatic attempts with the University of What It Is.

Tamika tried offering them everything, from limitless use of the scrublands to a coupon book full of cute tasks like free back rubs.

She even offered an extra hour in the ball pit at the Nightvale Convention Center, but Dr.

Lubell and all of her henchmen will not budge.

They want Josh Creighton.

They'd also settle for the faceless old woman who secretly lives in our homes.

They even asked if Hiram McDaniels was still around, but Tamika would not give them any single person.

We are all so tired of these people destroying our citizens through scientific explanations, but we're also tired of nothing working.

So, in lieu of the diplomatic breakdown, Knightville citizens have formed a vigilante group to combat the university.

Knightville, I beg you.

that while nonviolence hasn't worked yet,

and in the scope of history,

it's worked way less often than you were taught.

It still can.

We cannot resort to physical aggression.

Sure, the sheriff's secret police might look the other way if you did a harmless little arson.

Or just a friendly coordinated assault against the university of what it is.

But is it right?

What are we?

Are we a community or are we a mob, a gang?

Wait, are we a gang?

Do we have a cool gang uniform and like matching hats and turf that we protect using switchblades and dancing?

Is that what we are, Nyville?

I don't always know what's right from wrong, especially when emotions run high.

I sure did want to punch Dr.

Jones in the face, so I'm like, I get it.

But take a moment to think first.

And while you do, here is.

Well, sadly, it's not the weather anymore now that Dr.

Lubell has explained that away.

It's just a song.

Here is a song for you

to listen to.

Did you think

that leaving me would change your bloody tune

when you washed up on the New England shore?

Oh,

well, I've been driving for hours.

Can't stop lurking in the rear view.

Think I'm trying to find you.

Think I never had you.

You keep finding ways to keep me up.

Oh,

when it fell hard, you loved me.

When it moved on, you called me

just a little slip

for me.

Swear that you could smell when I moved on.

The salt

and sand means we've almost reached the end

Nothing left

to do but plunge into the sea

Well I've been watching the time fly by cranking up the tempo Rolling down the window Thought it wasn't real though Everything you're telling me is wrong

Right now, oh, I'm feeling furious that I'm missing your lips.

I already mourned this, so why'd you have to call?

When you left, it took me ages just to feel okay.

So, don't you try to tell me you you miss me after all

Well I've been driving for hours, can't stop looking in the rear view Think I'm trying to find you Think I never had you You keep finding ways to keep me up, oh

Well I've been watching the time fly by cranking up the tempo, rolling down the window Thought it wasn't wasn't real, though.

Everything you're telling me is wrong.

Oh,

when I felt hard, you left me.

When I moved on, you called me.

Just a little slip up for me.

Swear that you could smell when I moved on.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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At dusk, the mob gathered outside the mobile trailers of the University of What It Is,

just on the edge of town.

Torches lit, axes sharpened, throwing stars tucked into cute little crisscrossing sashes.

At the forefront of our frontier justice was the sheriff themselves.

Sheriff Sam stared down Dr.

Janet Lubell just outside her trailer.

Both Sam and Dr.

Lubell had diabolical glints in their eyes and tight, sinister grins.

Dr.

Blake Jones looked uncharacteristically nervous just over Dr.

Lubell's shoulder.

He held his head high, but you could see a slight falter to his jaw, a hesitancy in his breath.

At one point, he whispered to Dr.

Lubell.

No one knows what he said to her.

Possibly he pleaded for a truce.

Possibly he called for war.

Possibly he just had some thoughts on the new season of succession.

We can't be sure, but we did know

he could be shaken.

Conflict was imminent.

Hundreds of people, ready to fight, maybe even die, or worse, kill.

For what they believed in, the grumbles from the crowd grew into a chant of down with science.

Down with science, which eventually devolved into a cacophony.

And as the dam was about to burst at the moment just before the first torch was tossed or punch thrown, Tamika Flynn arrived.

And Dana Cardinal was with her.

Tamika stood between the nightville mob and the university staff.

She made her final offer for a truce.

She had the supposed remains of Dana Cardinal or her double.

Tamika agreed to give it over to the university of what it is.

It would be an incredible scientific discovery to prove the existence of double gangers.

That's what you want, right?

Tamika asked, to make a name for yourself with an unprecedented find?

Dr.

Lubell did not say yes.

But she did not say no either.

Tamika said that if the remains were of Dana or her double, then Dana would accept justice for her actions.

Dana was tired, tired of running from her past, tired of the guilt, tired of the university literally digging up her worst memories.

It had all gone too far.

And if Dr.

Lubell wanted to study her doppelganger, so be it.

But after that, the University of What It Is had to agree to leave Night Vale and never to return.

Dr.

Lubell said, Show me the body.

And a cadaver pouch on a gurney was rolled over to her.

The crowd was quiet, but tense, hanging on every word.

They felt terrible for Dana, but they were so proud of her heroism, her honesty.

Many in this crowd had killed their own doubles 10 years ago, too, but would they sacrifice themselves for this cause?

They weren't certain that they would.

Sheriff Sam took Dana into custody until the remains could be inspected by Dr.

Lubell.

It could be days or weeks or longer until the study was complete.

As the sheriff's prowler drove away, so did the crowd dissipate quietly, heads full of anger, sadness, and confusion.

Only Councilmember Flynn and Dr.

Lubell remained.

They shook hands, but just as Tamika loosened her grip, Dr.

Lubell squeezed harder and pulled pulled Tamika in close.

You realize, Dr.

Lubell said, that if this body bag has no doppelganger in it, we're staying.

We're staying indefinitely.

We'll never leave.

We'll explain your libraries, your angels, your dog parks, your houses that don't exist.

We'll explain

everything.

Until you understand, Nightvale is just a bland little town full of normalness as far as the eye can see.

Tamika smiled.

A friendly smile full of poison.

No, you won't.

I anticipated you might go back on your promise.

So, I've drafted a city ordinance making the practice of science a felony.

We vote on it in two weeks.

I already know it will pass unanimously.

You have until then to be gone.

And as Tamika drove away, Dr.

LaBelle, all alone on the edge of the desert, bit her lip and tried to imagine what it must be like to not get what she wants.

Council Member Flynn, Nightville.

All you listeners out there,

I urge you not to take such extreme measures.

Yes, I am biased because my husband, Carlos, is a scientist.

It would ruin him.

But it would ruin everything.

Science is so

neat.

It's

the best.

It's vital to teach it and practice it.

You j

you can't just outlaw science, right?

Right?

Stay tuned next for bathwater being thrown out.

Among other things.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Nightfale is a production of Nightfale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Nightfale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Rear View by Not Jupiter.

Find more at wearenotjupiter.bandcamp.com.

Comments?

Questions?

Email us at info at welcome welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at NightvaleRadio and Instagram at Night ValeOfficial.

We now also have a TikTok at Night Vale Official as well if you like short videos by a fictional radio station run by Symphony Sanders voice of Tamika Flynn.

Also, check out welcome to nightvale.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list and info about our merch store, which we are cleaning out with big sales on items that won't be coming back, so don't miss them.

Today's proverb.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

A grilled cheese is a dish best served hot, unless it's a revenge-grilled cheese, in which case, that also should be cold.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.