229 - The Accused

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Nightvale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury.

I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Love is a many-legged thing

with human skin and no eyes.

Welcome to Night Vale.

On Monday, the City Council, led by the chair of the Community Guidelines Committee, Tamika Flynn, unanimously passed Ordinance 8304B, which states that the teaching and practicing of science within the city limits is a crime punishable by a minimum two years' imprisonment and $2,000 fine.

This law was enacted to stop Dr.

Janet Lubell and her research staff from the University of What It Is, but it is not doing this at all.

It is only creating confusion amongst citizens of Nightvale.

All over our city, people are asking, what is science?

Is archaeology science?

What about baking?

That seems like science.

Cars and pills were invented through science.

Does that mean we cannot drive to work or take our medications?

Boxing is called the sweet science.

Is it now illegal to punch people?

There are more questions than answers.

Meanwhile, my husband Carlos, who's now

without any scientific work to do, has been calling me constantly because he's so bored at home.

He called before my show started just to say that this new ordinance hasn't stopped the University of What It Is from practicing science while maliciously skirting the rules.

He has said that he's seen Dr.

Lubell's henchman, Dr.

Blake Jones, all over town, wearing a variety of disguises.

Carlos saw him buying coffee at the Spiky Hammer coffee bar, but Dr.

Jones was wearing a pasted-on beard, a purple wig, and gimmick New Year's Eve glasses in the shape of 2009.

Carlos saw him later that morning at Dark Owl Records, but this time with a bald cap, a fake mustache made out of electrician's tape, and a blue velvet chapeau.

Carlos described Dr.

Jones as nervous and chatty.

This is very shady behavior, and it needs to stop.

Nightvale, it's clear that the University of What It Is is coming into town for data gathering, and then conducting the actual science back in their trailer labs just outside of city limits.

So if the city council is going to pass such draconian laws, they should at least specify that data gathering is a key part of science and should be illegal.

And now an update on former mayor and radio station intern, Dana Cardinal.

The University of What It Is has the body that they believe to be of Dana's double, or of Dana herself.

Either way, Dr.

Lubell is determined to learn whether or not a murder was committed 10 years ago between doppelgangers.

We do not know how long this process will take because of the law against studying science.

And while we wait, Dana sits alone in a jail cell.

I've been going over to her apartment every day to feed her plants and water her fish.

Or is it water plants and feed fish?

I forget.

Either way, I want to take care of my friend.

If it is determined that the body is Dana's double,

well, she could face life in prison for murder.

I mean, maybe even the death penalty, so I'm worried for her.

I know Dana says she's fine.

She tells me she's so glad to finally confront this horrible moment from her past, and justice, whether guilty or innocent, will be a welcome closure for her.

Still, I've offered to help her out by referring referring her to my own lawyer, Danny Vaquero.

They're the best in the business, I think.

I mean, I've never met another lawyer, so it's also possible that they're worst in the business.

Either way, they're definitely in the business, and that is enough for me.

So, if you want to contribute to Dana's legal fund, I placed a cardboard box in front of the radio station.

Just Drop any loose change you have in there, and I will make sure she gets it.

Oh, no coins, please.

Only $20 bills or larger.

Vaquero is very expensive.

Carlos has called me again.

Gosh, he is so antsy without any science to do.

He said the mood around town is...

weird.

No one's talking to him, not even looking him in the eye.

He can feel everyone's judgment upon him as a scientist, even though he's not doing any science at all.

Carlos said he's doing his best to signal to everyone that he is neither practicing nor teaching science.

He's wearing his dare to keep kids off geology shirt.

He's also forcing conversations about his lack of scientific curiosity, saying things like, well, hey there, Tim, good to see you.

Not sure what these puffy dark clouds could mean.

Must be some very angry god.

Or, hello, Maxine.

Don't you think birds must be magic to be able to fly like that?

I sure do, because I've never given any thought to how anything works.

Yet, he's still getting wary stares from his fellow citizens.

And Carlos said he's tired of being cooped up at home all day, but, you know, maybe he shouldn't be out in public either.

Carlos,

be careful out there.

And Night Vale, lighten up.

Our scientists have it tough enough as it is.

What with all the physics and atomic weights and periodic tables?

They don't need to be nervous about getting arrested at Target for reading the ingredients on a box of cliff bars.

I heard from my niece Janice the other day.

She tells me that her friend, Josh Creighton, is safe and sound.

He's been missing for nearly three weeks, and we were all very worried.

Especially since the University of What It Is expressed interest in studying him for his shape-shifting abilities.

But according to Janice, Josh has been in California visiting his best friend, the child of the Glow Cloud, whose name is.

But who, as the only Glow Cloud which now exists, has been starting to go by the nickname, the Glow Cloud.

Ever since their parents were explained away by the University of What It Is, the Glow Cloud has immersed themselves in their studies at Stanford.

And they haven't been able to come home, not even for their parents' memorial services.

It's all been too painful.

Worried about his dear friend, Josh headed up to Stanford last month to cheer them up and to keep them from returning home to Nightvale.

Well, Janice.

Janice thinks they should both come back because it's important for friends and family to band together in times of great danger.

But Josh knows that Dr.

Lubell would want nothing more than to explain away another enormous glowing cloud that drops dead animals and controls humans' minds.

So Josh is keeping himself and his dear friend safe.

And I think I agree with Josh.

I hope they're both okay.

Listeners, I want to thank you again for the many kind and generous emails over the past few months.

You've expressed sympathy for the management change here at the station.

You've supported my many attempts to defend our town from the university of what it is.

Thank you.

It has meant so, so much.

But

the winds have changed, I'm afraid.

The past couple of weeks, I've been getting critical and sometimes even downright hateful emails from my listeners.

And it all has to do with Carlos.

You seem angry that I would protect a known scientist in my home,

that I would defend this man on the radio, that I have evaded the fact that Carlos is an alumnus.

of the University of What It Is.

Here's one such email from Morris Sanderson, which, you know, just kind kind of sums up the kind of correspondence I've been receiving.

Morris writes, Cecil, I've been a listener since you first went on the air.

Your rant against the passing of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act was one of the finest segments of radio I ever did hear.

Thank you, Morris.

He continues.

But I find you almost unlistenable these days.

This is a free country, Cecil.

You cannot curtail the freedom of some citizens who wish to curtail the freedom of other citizens.

If you curtail our freedom to destroy others' freedoms, then you curtail our freedom.

I've spent so many years listening to you while running my blender, and now my favorite hobby no longer brings me joy.

I once smiled when I filled a jar with spoons and set the knob on Liquify.

Now I only feel disappointment.

You have lost a listener.

Well.

Morris.

And all of Nightvale, really.

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't protect Carlos because I hate your freedom.

I protect Carlos because I love him.

He's done nothing but be part of this town.

His history with the university of what it is is simply that.

History.

He's no more a part of them than you are.

Carlos has put down his protractor, set aside his slide rule, in solidarity with you, Morris, and with this whole town because he loves it here.

And I hope that you can understand that.

I'm sorry, it's Carlos.

Let me take this really quick.

Carlos, honey, I'm on the-

You what?

You got arrested?

Why?

Why were you practicing science in public?

Oh, they arrested you at the grocery store for calculating sales tax in your head?

How did they know that that's what you were doing?

Because you were singing your special little sales tax calculating song.

Oh, Carlos!

I always found that song so endearing, but now your cute habits have betrayed you!

Yeah, yeah, that totally makes sense.

Totally.

Calculating sales tax is math, and math is hardly a science.

True.

Okay, Carlos, look, I'm coming to bail you out of jail.

I'm pretty sure this was a case of the secret police targeting you, and not a good faith effort to rid the streets of Dr.

Lubell and her team.

So

I think we have a legal fight ahead of us.

No, I'm so.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'll be there soon.

Now, I want to say something to you, Nightvale, especially to the sheriff's secret police, Tamika Flynn, and the entire city council.

Your hysteria about science is misguided.

It's like that old saying, you're cutting off your toes despite your aunt who has always loved your toes.

And they're funny looking in the most adorable way.

And you go and you, you know, cut them off.

upsetting both you and your aunt.

This is a bad law you've created, but it's cultivated an irrational paranoia against good people.

Good people like Carlos.

And I am very angry at you, but I remain most angry at the university of what it is.

They are our true enemy, not science.

And I'm not sure you still agree, though, Nightvale.

Okay, so I'm going to go bail my husband out of jail.

Oh, and I need to water Dana's fish, too.

Unlike our local government, I support my loved ones.

So while I go do that, listen to this song.

It's such a twisted

thing.

Life is discomfort and coldness.

Cares are so bright, it's the sun.

Loving so

winter

gold.

I am healthy cool around

the heavy hypnotic sign.

I'm always gonna

need

it.

I'm losing grip on its gravity, and I'm afraid I'll sweep aimlessly and up

here.

No hormones.

What does it matter

if I don't ask

Wonder is a spiral of black walls

I'm distracted without a road

I often try to let my guard down,

but I can't bring myself

to escape the fear of judgment.

Stripped away of desire,

poking holes in my hope

of

you being

my friend.

making

for the

soul

Move me

succumbing

for

the soul

culpable.

And in my

son,

I've always got

a bear.

I'm losing grave when it's crowding

and

I

pray

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies so you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

On my way to the jail to bail out Carlos, I stopped by Dana's apartment to take care of her fish and plants.

And inside, I heard a noise.

I ignored it at first, thinking it was just the wind or a mouse.

But then I heard it again.

It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.

Under the closed door, I could see the shadow of someone's legs moving about inside.

And I should have been scared.

But my only mood today is frustration.

So I threw open the door and found a man wearing aviator sunglasses, bright red lipstick, and an admiral's cap.

And I saw right through this flimsy disguise.

It was none other than Dr.

Blake Jones.

I wrestled him to the ground and demanded to know what he was doing in Dana's home.

He explained that Dr.

LaBelle needed Dana's DNA to test against the cadaver.

And with a ban on science, she couldn't ask the sheriff for a sample, sample, so she sent Dr.

Jones to secretly steal some of Dana's hair from a comb or saliva from a toothbrush and bring it back to the lab.

I knew it, I declared as I started to dial the police for his arrest, but Dr.

Jones said, wait.

And he began to cry and to apologize.

He no longer wanted to do this.

When I burst in, he wasn't stealing anything.

He was just using this time away from Dr.

Lubell to figure out how to quit, how to escape her maniacal grasp.

She would ruin him as she's ruined so many others who have left her service the way she's trying to ruin Carlos now, not merely by destroying him, but by destroying everything he loves.

Dr.

Jones said he's come to love Nightvale too, and he regrets his involvement in the explanations of Sarah Sultan and the Glow Cloud.

He was so sorry about what happened to my station management and vowed to work the rest of his life for forgiveness.

He doesn't know if he'll ever regain my trust or anyone's trust, but he wants to help save Nightvale from Dr.

Lubell and her vengeance.

I paused to take this all in.

It was a good speech, a great one, even, very well crafted and rehearsed.

I'd been fooled before by this man, and I wasn't about to let it happen again.

So I called Sheriff Sam and had Blake Jones arrested for breaking and entering and for practicing science.

Meanwhile, my lawyer, Danny Vaquero, did their job to perfection.

They completed the paperwork for Carlos' bail so he'll be back home in time for dinner.

But Vaccaro also managed to free Dana Cardinal too.

Vaccaro pointed out that the alleged murder took place on Friday, March 15th, 2013.

However, murder was not made illegal in Nightvale until Thursday, August 15, 2013, five months after the doppelganger incident.

According to Vaquero, prior to that date, which is inclusive of the timeframe in which the supposed murder took place, murder was perfectly illegal within the city limits of Nightvale.

Sort of like my favorite movie series about all crimes, including murder, being legal for a set amount of time, Vaquero said, Man, I love those toy stories.

So gory.

Sheriff Sam knew their only move would be to turn Dana's charges over to state or federal investigators, and they certainly weren't about to do that.

Sam doesn't want Dana to go to jail for breaking federal laws, only for breaking local laws, so the investigation of the body will forever be moot.

Dana is a free woman.

We were all thrilled by the good news until Dr.

Lupell showed up.

I saw Dr.

Jones, still in handcuffs, hide behind the sheriff as Dr.

Lubell stepped in.

I thought she was there to bail her cowardly henchmen out, but

quite the opposite.

I don't care about you, she sneered at Dr.

Jones.

You can rot here for all I care, traitor.

Then she turned to Sheriff Sam and said, Tell your city council that the University of What It Is here to stay.

You've brainwashed not only Carlos, but Blake, too.

And I take that personally.

You'll be explained to nothing, Nightvale.

Explained away until not a trace of this town is left.

Outside the police office, I saw a line of trailers,

dozens long,

full of university of what it is.

Researchers, labs, equipment, ready to thumb their nose at the law and perform their wicked science in broad daylight.

They're just too many to rest, Sheriff Sam whispered in what sounded to this reporter like terror.

Dr.

Lu Bell shined a bright, sinister smile at the sheriff and a fierce, tight-lipped sneer at Blake Jones.

Then she left to join the hundreds of minions clogging the streets with science.

Terrible,

Terrible science.

Stay tuned next for the sound of halted breaths.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode song was Norman Vember by Tristan James.

Find out more at the link in our show notes.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio and Instagram at Night ValeOfficial.

We now have a TikTok at Night Vale Official as well if you like short videos by a fictional radio station.

And also check out welcometonightvale.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list and info about our Patreon, which now has a free membership level if you are not able to support the making of the show at the moment.

Today's proverb.

Take a hike.

That's right.

Get out of here.

Why don't you go fly a kite?

Go play in the street.

It's a a beautiful day and you deserve to be outside.

Trip Planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

your hammocking,

and your pooling.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League VEEP or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.