214 - The Comet's Tail

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.

So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender nods.

The horse then taps a code with its hoof.

A doorway behind the bar opens into a dim, smoky room.

The horse enters.

Welcome to Nightfair.

Our top story today is about astronomy.

Wait, is it astronomy or astrology?

I think one is the scientific study of the stars and planets while the other is mysticism.

This is a story about a comet passing near the Earth, so I'm gonna go with mysticism.

In that case, I think the correct word is astronomy.

Okay, starting over.

Big astronomy news, Night Vale.

The Earth will be passing through the tail of comet D slash 1770 L1 today,

and the comet itself will be fully visible into night sky.

D-slash-1770L1 is commonly called Lexell's comet.

And it was last seen in the 18th century.

Astronomers, using magic crystals, managed to map the orbit of the comet, but then the comet unexpectedly disappeared.

Lexel's comet was long thought lost, but nope, here it is, once again mysteriously passing within a hair's breadth from our fragile little planet.

I'm sorry, listeners, but our radio station hotline is ringing.

Hello, you're on the air.

Howdy, Cecil.

John Peters, you know the farmer?

I sure do.

What can I do for you, John?

There's someone in my cornfield, Cecil.

I can see them right now.

Well, John, I'm not sure what I can see.

They're right there in my cornfield.

A whole mess of them.

They're crouched down and trying to hide behind the tall stalks of corn.

Real healthy crop this year, yep, I gotta say.

I'm sure it is, John.

But it's real strange watching all these people trying to hide in the rows of corn stalks because it's invisible corn, you understand?

Oh, yes, I I know all about your invisible corn.

And the thing is, these people look so dang silly crouching and ducking in this giant field full of corn you can't even see.

It's like that mime show.

What was that mime show that was on TV in the 70s, Cecil?

Come on, you remember.

It had old what's their heads in it?

She uh

she

la she

na

she

shell shells and yarnell.

Well, I'm sure you'll think of the name.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you and your listeners know about these weirdos in my cornfield.

Later, buddy!

I'm

glad you did.

Thanks, John.

Well, I'll get back to some interesting comet facts in a minute.

But now it's time for sports.

This Friday, the Knightvale High School Scorpions return to gridiron action against the Lizard Monitors of Pine Cliff.

Last year, the Scorpions got off to a hot start, but fell short of the playoffs after losing three in a row to close the season.

Coach Latrice Beaumont says she has high hopes for this year, specifically because they're bringing a new defensive strategy to the team.

When I asked her to elaborate on this new approach to defense, she explained, I, well, I, okay, I forgot to write her explanation down or record it, but it was something to the effect of, our very strong and fast athletes need to stop the other team's strong and fast athletes from performing basic addition.

If we can can keep them from adding a bunch of numbers together, then our numbers will be higher than their

numbers.

I am very excited to know that our local teams are finally utilizing advanced metrics.

Ghost Scorpions.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today's show is brought to you by Hewlett Packard, who asks, What about ghost cats?

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and now back to the return of lexel's comet which is currently passing dramatically close to the earth So much so that we are inside the comet's tail.

Now, astronomers use a precise measurement system that involves ancient incantations

in praise of the old gods.

This is how they track the orbits of comets.

So, in

1801, the Paris Academy of Sciences announced...

Okay, sorry, listeners.

Hello.

Howdy again, Cecil.

It's John Peters, you know, the farmer.

Yes, John, hi again.

I hate to bother you, but false alarm on that earlier story about them people in my cornfield.

turns out it's just some kids fooling around out there i really thought they were corn thieves or worse corn vandals like them folks up in new york city always writing dirty words on their corn uh that doesn't sound right but nope this was just a few dozen neighborhood kids playing grab ass in the corn you know how kids are they see a cornfield and they just want to gather a hundred or more of their friends and pretend they can't see each other hiding in broad daylight.

Wait, how many children are in that cornfield, John?

You don't even live in a neighborhood.

You live on a farm, so they can't be neighborhood kids.

Say, I heard your story about the scorpions.

I think they got a good team this year.

Might go all the way to state.

Gotta improve that defensive line, though.

Like you said, Cecil, them boys in the A-gap are getting blown right off the ball.

That leaves the mic unprotected, and in cover one, that can lead to big plays up the gut.

That's roughly how I reported it.

Yes.

Okay, John, I've got to get back to the...

Cecil, I got to get back to the farming.

Got to go out and tell them kids it's all right if they want to be in the cornfield, just no stealing or breaking my corn, and absolutely no writing curse words on it neither.

Bye, John.

Okay, well, more on the comet soon, but we've got to get to traffic.

Looking now at the local highways and byways, I can see that all of the tractor trailers have become sentient.

They're driving around with no humans behind the wheel.

They're currently circling ST's truck stop over on exit 13 of Route 800, so I imagine that means gas prices are really good there.

If you're out on the road right now, listeners, let me warn you right now to keep your eyes open for sentient big rigs and follow them to ST's truck stop for an affordable fill-up.

This has been Traffic.

Oh, a new man came to town.

I met met him the other day at the Spiked Hammer coffee bar.

He had a microphone and a laptop.

He said he was a podcaster.

Well, we have all been podcasters at one point or another in our lives.

This man seemed sort of lost and lonely, so I thought I would welcome him with a friendly, identify yourself, interloper.

He said his name was Joseph, and I said, hi, Joe, I'm Cecil.

And then he said, please don't call me that.

And I winked real big and said, why would I call you Cecil, Joe?

That's my name.

He laughed.

Not a hearty laugh in an e-slap, more like a heavy sigh and fingers to his temples.

I apologized for the silly joke about his name and offered to buy Joseph a coffee.

He cringed and said, they don't filter their coffee here, though.

It's just chunks of smashed up beans floating in warm water.

And I chuckled quietly to myself because it was clear that Joseph had never had a real Francian-style espresso.

But he seemed like a smart and likable person, so I invited my new interloper friend to come up to the radio station anytime he wanted.

Perhaps he'd like to be part of my new Interloper Spotlight segment, or maybe just learn more about broadcasting.

Radio is the future, I assured him.

Then I offered him an internship.

He laughed.

It wasn't a ha-ha laugh, more of a single

laugh, like a gunshot or a belly flop from a high dive.

I told him to think about it and got up to leave.

But before walking away, I asked, oh, say, what's the name of your podcast?

And he said, get this.

He said, Welcome to Night Vale.

That's when I laughed.

It wasn't a ha ha laugh, more like a ha ha ha

ha

ha

ha

ha

Laugh.

Like the spin cycle of an unbalanced washing machine.

This Joseph guy is a real delight.

If you run across him, listeners, give him a friendly shout and point.

Oh, and Joseph, if you're listening, good luck with your podcast.

I'm happy to come on as a guest anytime you need me.

And now back to the comet.

So, last I left it, astronomers had divined, through the dregs in their teacups, that Lexel's comet, shortly after it passed by Earth in 1770, must have gotten too close to Jupiter.

The gravitational sway would have then caused the comet to get slingshotted into a totally different direction, but today proves that that is.

Hello.

Howdy, Cecil.

It's John Peters.

Yes, the farmer, I know.

What is it, John?

Okay, good.

You remember me.

Well, it turns out it was a false alarm on the false alarm.

I went out to talk to them neighborhood kids, and they ain't normal kids.

Ain't from around here neither, I don't believe.

They're all feral-like, and they don't speak in any language I ever heard of.

There wasn't no discernible syntax or even differing words, only a series of high-pitched staccato squeaks like the sound shoes make on a hardwood floor during a basketball game.

But I didn't worry none about their language.

I was worried about them killing a bunch of animals in my cornfield.

Wait, what?

I said, I was worried about them killing a bunch of animals in my cornfield.

What kind of animals, John?

Well, mostly rats and some grackles.

Nothing any of us gonna miss.

But they're getting blood all over my corn.

I cannot sell bloody corn.

Plus, the weird thing is they weren't just killing these things with magnifying glasses and acid baths like normal kids.

No, they were ritually sacrificing these poor creatures to some god.

I don't know their god's name, but I think they were trying to convert me to their religion.

They kept chirping at me and then they drew a picture of their god in the dirt.

It was a winged serpent.

Now this winged serpent wasn't nothing like the beautiful Aztec god Quetzalco Waddle, who controlled the wind and the crops.

Plus, these kids' language, dress, and aesthetic depictions of their gods were far from those of the ancient Mesoamerican cultures who built the Aztec pantheon.

Besides, this winged serpent looked more like a big ol' rat snake with some little fluffy wings, not dissimilar to the kind you might put on a baby for Halloween.

I'm losing the thread here, John.

Long and the short of it, Cecil, is something needs to be done about these kids and their very aggressive religious practices.

I'm okay with people finding God and talking about it all the time, just not on my land.

I'm a little scared to get back out into the corn and talk to those children because they got a bunch of scary looking farm tools.

And I remember seeing that Stephen King movie from back in the 1980s.

You remember that movie, Cecil?

Had a bunch of children, and they were in the corn.

What's the name of that?

Chariots of Fire.

That's the one.

Woo, catchy soundtrack app movie, but scared the bejeebers out of me.

John, we're up against it here.

Um, good luck out there, okay?

Well, I gotta be going.

Gotta feed the castle warriors.

Ciao, Bubba.

Listeners, I'm so sorry.

I was excited to talk to you about the comet today, but we're just running short on time.

Let me take you now to the.

Oh,

wow.

Would you look at that sky?

Just the brightest golden glow.

Gorgeous.

Our planet must be in the heart of the comet's tail

right now.

It's as good a time as any, then,

for the weather.

you listening.

Waiting for the wind to ring.

When will your time cut to send?

We took away your resting sea.

And now your roots are overgrown.

All your seeds turn into stones.

We might as well cut down your

could feel you listen.

Could feel

that.

Could feel

that.

Could feel

that.

Rotting leaves stuck to your limbs.

Wondering when autumn.

When will their time come?

You'd rather not have snow.

And now we see you, now we don't.

Now we live up on your bonk.

Isn't this a lovely

feel you listen?

I

feel you.

Da da da da da da.

We could

feel

you.

this

in

I

could

feel

you

this

symptom

I could feel you

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

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Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

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And we're back.

It looks like the Earth has finally passed out of Lexel's Comet's Tale.

But that doesn't mean that you can't still catch a beautiful image of- Oh my god!

John, what is it?

Hey, Cecil.

Well, I went to talk to them kids again.

This time they didn't say nothing.

They just stared at me.

And it was only then that I noticed they didn't have any irises or pupils, just solid white eyes.

And all of them had gray gray lips.

And as I was trying to figure out if they were possessed or undead or just really goth, I heard one of them start humming.

Then all of them started humming.

And I saw they were in a circle around me.

Then I felt something grab my leg.

I looked down and it was the biggest snake you ever did see.

It started coiling around my body, but it didn't crush me.

It lifted me high into the air, and we were flying.

I was flying.

I was prouder than a baby goose in springtime, but scared than a snail in a salt parade.

And this snake thing took me up into the sky, and we entered what I thought was heaven, but I think it was just a metaphysical palace.

The inside of it was a vast room.

It was not ornately detailed like one of them Tajmahal's, but it was made entirely of gold, and it smelled like cake and jam.

And when we stopped, I saw that I was all alone in this palace, except for a tall, buttressed plinth in the middle of the herringbone tiled floor, and on top of that was a handmade scarecrow doll, no bigger nanocorn.

I reached down to pick up the totem, and suddenly I was back on the ground again.

Back on my land.

The kids were gone.

The serpent god was gone.

But so was all my corn.

What once was a vast field of corn so invisible as to make the field look empty was now just a vast empty field.

I'm still holding the scarecrow doll now, Cecil.

And it has my face.

John, I'm so sorry.

It's pretty cute, though.

I'll probably put it up on top of the mantle.

But still, I'd rather have my corn crops than this effigy of myself.

Thankfully, though, my avocados and peppers came in real nice this year, so I'll be okay.

Do you know what happened to the kids?

Oh, who cares?

They're probably off trying to convert other people to their religion.

You know how kids are.

Once they get into snake gods, they just don't let it go.

They'll eventually get bored and go do something else.

Some new Zelda game will come out and they'll be back on their Nintendos.

I'm just glad them kids were playing outside.

Say, you never finished your story about the comet, Cecil.

Oh, there's nothing to say, really.

It's just a regular old comet.

Same as every other comet.

A little closer, yes.

But there'll be more.

Anyway.

Lexel's comet is visible tonight in the southwest.

It should be a little brighter and a lot prettier than our stupid moon.

The end.

Dumb old moon.

The worst.

Okay, well, time to wrap up the show.

Thanks to our unexpected guest, John Peters.

Adios, y'all!

Stay tuned next for Entropy.

Relentless Entropy.

And as always, good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Jeffrey Kraner.

The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, is Mark Gagliarti.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was I Could Feel You by Evelyn Francis.

Find out more at evelynfrancis.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale Radio or sing a song that has never existed, not in the whole of human history.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our current tour of Europe.

We are there right now.

Well, not me, but Nightvale.

I'm in my home office next to my shelf full of course figurines.

Giddy up.

Today's proverb.

Give a man a fish and he'll be like, gross, get that fish away from me.

Teach a man to fish and he'll be like, you again, what's your deal?

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

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