215 - Sarah Sultan, Explained

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

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Go to NightvalePresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official official Wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta-Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

The last shall be first,

and and the first shall be last.

The middle will experience no change at all.

Welcome to Night Vale.

As a friendly gesture for one educational institution to another, Sarah Sultan, Dean of Knightvale Community College, has invited Dr.

Janet Lubell, Dean of the University of What It Is, East Knightvale Campus, for a tour of the community college facilities.

Sarah Sultan, who is a fist-sized river rock, believes that education grows from cooperation, and she welcomes the addition of another institution of higher learning in town.

When truth is discovered by one, it benefits all, Sarah said from the podium where an aide had placed her on a little coaster.

I look forward to welcoming my counterpart.

Dr.

Lubell responded that she would be all too delighted to tour Nightvale Community College just as soon as she's done with her morning meditation.

It's important to center myself, Dr.

Lubell said via an auto-text response that she leaves on at all times.

I'm excited to see what these two great minds will come up with together.

More soon, I'm sure.

But first, the news.

The new murals all over town are great, just great.

We're all really excited about them.

But they have,

and I don't know how else to say this, they have started to molt.

The paint is peeling away away in long flaky pieces, revealing what is underneath, which is, and again, I can't really find another way to say this, uh,

it's flesh.

The happy painted faces of the happy painted children are now streaked with gashes, revealing a pulpy red meat within.

The artist behind the murals, my old friend Jared, has disappeared.

He left behind a note that said, I regret nothing, but I mourn everything.

Most of his possessions were missing, and there was fresh soil all over the floor and kitchen counters.

The police think that, likely, Jared is just visiting family, and there's nothing to worry about.

City officials say that the mural flesh is almost certainly harmless.

But just to be safe, They are evacuating every house within 100 feet of a mural, and the sheriff's secret police will be pointing guns at the murals while screaming, don't move, every five seconds.

Wow, I do feel a lot safer.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

A dark room.

It is not a room you know.

Perhaps you should not be so sure because you cannot see the room, but some dark is familiar.

And this darkness is a stranger to you.

It makes you feel cold and lost.

You have no idea where the walls of this room might be, no clear sense of direction at all.

Perhaps if you called out, you could hear an echo, which would give you some sense of the shape of the room, the dimensions of the emptiness.

But you also feel that if you called out, you would risk drawing attention.

From what?

You have no idea, and hope you never find out.

Something is sleeping here in this darkness.

Pray that it continues to dream.

You stumble forward out of any other option and you come across a table.

Or your knee comes across the table and you make a sharp intake of breath to try to bury the expression of pain.

You feel about the table gently, careful not to knock anything to the floor.

In the center of the table is something warm.

A mug of coffee.

You pick it up.

Its scent is jarringly familiar in these strange environs.

You take a sip.

The coffee is fine.

As you sip, you hear a thick, wet stirring in the darkness all around you.

What once dreamed is no longer dreaming.

It is too late for silence.

You break into a brief, terrified wail that will last for the rest of your life.

Duncan Donuts, awaken that which slumbers.

Dr.

Lou Bell has arrived at Nightvale Community College for the tour.

Sarah Sultan has expressed excitement at getting to show off the new language learning lab, the theater center, and the community college library.

The library is a special point of pride, as recently, thanks to Sal's pest service and event catering, it has been fully cleared of all dangerous librarians.

Sal more than lived up to his slogan, we'll kill them all or feed them all, depending on what you want.

And we hardly ever mix it up.

But Dr.

Lubell seemed less interested in the newly renovated community college campus and more interested in Sarah Sultan herself.

Why is there a rock here?

Dr.

Lubell said quite rudely, I think.

How is it possible for a college to have a rock for a dean?

Sarah explained that she is a fist-sized river rock.

And Dr.

Lubell said, I must study this.

And she grabbed Sarah without asking and carried her back to the lab at the University of What It Is.

Well,

I do not think.

That kind of behavior is acceptable.

Please return Sarah Sultan, Dean of Nightvale Community College and fist-sized River Rock to her place of work immediately.

My goodness!

Let's have a look at the community calendar.

This afternoon, the Nightvale Sky Appreciation Society will be gathering to appreciate the sky.

The sky is our greatest natural resource, said a group representative wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask, and we just want to give big ups to the big up.

This gathering will be happening at the parking lot of the Ralphs, which the group insists has the best view of the sky in town.

Tomorrow morning, all of the ants in town will leave.

They'll gather together into a huge collective march, a jittering black river leading out into the scrublands and the sand wastes.

We'll be happy about this, obviously, but also we will be worried.

Do the ants know something we don't?

The answer to that question is yes.

Their experience of the world is almost completely distinct from our own.

The real question is: do the ants know something we don't that will affect us negatively?

The answer to that is also yes.

Monday is Baseball Game.

Come on out for Baseball Game.

Tuesday is the collective sigh of relief.

It's at 4.12 p.m.

Try to be genuinely relieved about something at that time.

It works better if you mean it.

On Wednesday, Ghost Union Local 31 will be striking.

If you were looking to get haunted on that day, please delay your plans and do not hire scab ghosts.

We do not cross picket lines, not even ones made of electromagnetic energy and unusual cold spots.

Ghost Union spokesman John Fouché said, We are simply asking for a clean and safe workplace when we haunt.

Every day, ghosts are injured on the job when, say, they make knocking sounds from inside an old cabinet that has exposed nails or when the chains they are rattling are are not up to code.

Fouché concluded his statement with,

while waving his arms and fading away.

Thursday is being held in reserve in case we ever need a Thursday in an emergency.

And on Friday, there will be a birthday party held on a planet in a galaxy that is only visible from Earth with the use of powerful orbital telescopes.

The party is at noon.

It is BYOB, and we will never know it happened.

This has been the Community Calendar.

And now traffic.

Not every trail leads to danger.

No.

Some trails meander through meadows green and sunny.

or pass broad and straight through mountains and forests.

Some trails are lovingly maintained by volunteers or begrudgingly by low-paid workers.

Some trails take beautiful detours along lakes so clear you can see the grasses sway on the sandy bottom.

Or along ridge lines where you're told that on certain days you can see five different states, only how would you know?

State lines don't show up in the real world after all.

There are trails that take you to secret cabins with lovely little gardens and snug little beds and trails that take you to rustic lodges with stone balconies and grand dining rooms.

In this world there are trails that lead to desert springs and to fish-filled coves.

Some trails are evacuation routes, which explicitly exist to take you to safety.

Of all the trails, almost none of them lead to danger.

But

there are some.

Some trails lead to brushland

where it is so very easy to get turned around

or to vast regions of sand where no water can be found.

Some trails lead to abrupt falls

or to hungry animals or to hidden holes in the ground so deep that they might as well reach to the center of the earth.

Trails can deceive or be badly marked

or

fade away into the wilderness.

Trails can be maliciously designed, ushering you toward a squat home where a person with bad intentions waits with open arms and sharpened teeth.

Yes, not all trails lead to danger, but some do.

Oh,

some do.

This has been traffic.

Crowds of faculty from the community college have gathered around the university of what it is, demanding the safe return of their dean.

Amanda Ann Light, associate professor of the fear that something might be looking through your windows in the dark, lodged a strong protest against the university.

Sarah Sultan is our dean, Light said.

She is an important part of our town, and you can't just study her like she's an object.

Dr.

Lubell came out to talk to the protesters and seemed baffled by the uproar.

But she is an object, said Dr.

Lubell.

She's a fist-sized river rock.

That's literally what she is.

The rock is coming under no harm because rocks cannot feel harm.

I am simply trying to understand how a rock could have developed the sentience to be the dean of a community college.

At this, the faculty from the community college started booing and throwing rotten fruit.

which is a traditional nightvale method of saying, hey, I don't 100% buy what you're saying there, friend.

Dr.

Lubel retreated into her lab, which was guarded by heavily armed staff.

I didn't know the University of What It Is had heavily armed staff.

Why did they have that?

Seems bad.

As she went, Dr.

Lubell promised to bring Sarah Sultan back with her as soon as the doctor's initial exam was finished.

Well,

she better.

That's all I've got to say.

Let's go now to a special audio puzzle.

Today's puzzle is guess the sound.

I'm going to play a few common sounds, and all you have to do is guess what the sound is.

Okay, let's start with something easy.

Did you get it?

That's right.

That's the sound of someone scraping the inside of an oven with the tip of a very sharp chef's knife.

Okay, here's another.

Ooh, this one might be tricky.

Really think about it.

That's right, it's the sound of a pelican eating jello.

If you didn't get that one, I bet you're really kicking yourself now.

This last one is going to be hard, so do not feel bad if you don't get it.

It's a sound you hear every day,

but one you may not think about.

Did you get it?

Hmm, let's listen again.

Yes, that's right.

It's the sound of the faceless old woman's tummy growling when she's so close to you in the dark, in the night, that you can hear just how hungry she is.

So hungry all of the time.

This has been an audio puzzle.

How fun!

Dr.

LaBelle has emerged again from her laboratory and is holding Sarah Sultan.

The community college faculty, urged on by Professor Light, is advancing on the doctor with pitchforks.

Where did they get pitchforks?

What is going on here?

In any case, we need to hear what Dr.

Lubell has to say for herself right away.

No delays.

Except, of course, the weather.

Did it break your heart

when you lost your love?

love

and did you shake your fist

and got a bone

asking for the truth

gave it to a friend

Buried it with notions

of a graceful dead

and that it feels

so strange

to be here

And that it feels

so strange

to know

what's happening in your heart now

I'll go, I'll go

and do away with my notions

I'll go, I'll go.

If you

want me gone,

if you want me gone,

well, you're looking pretty soon

with your feet above your head.

Did you know that lies

would be found today?

Oh no,

don't ask me for the truth.

Cause I gave it to my friend,

and then he buried it with notions.

Oh, he buried it with hate.

And it feels

so strange

to be here.

And it feel

so strange

to know

what's setting in your heart right now.

So I'll go, I'll go

to away with my notions.

I'll go, I'll go.

If you want me gone,

if you want me gone?

It feels

so strange

to be here

And it feels

so strange

to know

What's happening in your heart right now

I'll go, I'll go

Do to wait with my notions.

I'll go, I'll go.

If you want me,

Joe,

I'll go, I'll go.

If you want me,

Joe,

if you want me

to.

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In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

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Dr.

Lubell held Sarah Sultan.

The crowd called out to Sarah, but Sarah did not answer.

The doctor looked solemn, and she spoke softly and gently.

This morning, Dr.

Lubell said, I took this rock to my lab.

I ran some basic tests on her.

None of these tests hurt the subject.

They were non-invasive.

We are not here to alter or destroy.

We are here to explain.

Explain it all.

Everything.

Until there is not a single mystery left.

Here are the conclusions we came to.

This is a fist-sized river rock.

That's it.

It's a fist-sized river rock.

Containing no miraculous properties, it is a pretty rock with nice tones.

But from a scientific standpoint, there is little of interest about this rock.

You may have your rock back now,

Dr.

Lubell concluded.

The doctor handed Sarah Sultan back to Professor Light, nodded once, and returned to her laboratory.

Professor Light started

trying

to speak to Sarah, to get her side of the story, but

Sarah would not answer.

Sarah could not answer.

Sarah was a fist-sized river rock, and fist-sized river rocks, as Dr.

LeBel demonstrated, cannot talk.

Professor Light began to weep.

Please, please,

she said, please, Sarah,

come back to us.

But Sarah was gone.

She had been a glorious mystery,

and Dr.

LeBelle had cleared her up.

The doctor had chased away the fragile ambiguity on which Sarah's existence depended, and all that was left was a fist-sized river

rock.

And fist-sized river rocks can't be the dean of anything.

They cannot think or feel.

They're matter, shaped by years of rushing water, nothing more.

I don't know what to say, Nightvale.

I had been afraid of what Dr.

LaBelle's demand for explanation would do to a town so built upon mystery and shadow, and

I am sad to have been so right.

I mourn my friend,

Sarah Sultan,

a fist-sized river rock.

She was.

She was funny and clever

and a good administrator at the community college.

And now she has been explained away

and she is nothing.

She's inert.

She will never share another joke or answer one of my questions in a wry and knowing tone ever again.

the faculty of the community college is walking mournfully back to their campus where they will lay Sarah in her favorite river, and the water will shape her into smaller rocks,

and then pebbles,

and then sand, which will float down the current, formless and free, like smoke,

like dreams.

Stay tuned next for grief

and then fear.

And then

revenge.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was gone by Dimer.

Find out more at dimerband.bandcamp.com.

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Today's proverb.

This one is a mad libs.

So think of a plural noun, a verb, and an animal.

Ready?

And here it is.

I thought of three words, and they are blank, blank, and blank.

Thank you for your attention.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

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These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

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