194 - The Nearly Infinite Lives of Frank Chen

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

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Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.

An Aries?

A Gemini?

I'm kind of getting Gemini vibes.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Top of the news.

Frank Chen.

That's right.

Back in November of 2020, Judge Chaplin issued a ruling in the case of the family of Frank Chen vs.

Nightvale.

This ruling required that the town of Nightvale and the Sheriff's Secret Police return Frank Chen to his family, exactly as he was on the day of the murder.

If they did not comply within one year, the family of Frank Chen would receive full ownership of the town of Nightvale.

First, the sheriff tried cloning Frank, but that was ruled to not fit the requirements.

And then they tried using a time machine to retrieve a living Frank Chen from the past, but that ended up making a real mess of the timeline, which we are still trying to sort out.

I think me and Michelle Wynne are cousins now, somehow?

Anyway, the sheriff announced today to a room of reporter,

it was me, I was the only one there, that they have finally, finally gotten Frank Chen.

Judge Chaplin issued a request for everyone to meet her in court, saying, Yeah, right, and okay,

sure.

We'll see.

More soon, But first.

Election season is coming up, and so it is time to talk about your civic responsibility.

Remember, here in Nightvale, we are a democracy, and everyone gets one vote.

There is only one vote in the entire city, and it represents everyone, and it is made by the voices deep in Hidden Gorge.

So please remember, don't do anything.

Trying to vote is illegal.

Thinking about voting is illegal.

Reading up on the issues is not illegal, but is, at best, crass and will get you sneers and jeers at all the finest country clubs.

The voices in Hidden Gorge have our best interests at heart, and we must trust them.

Be a good citizen.

Do your duty.

Do nothing, and trust Hidden Gorge.

This civic reminder brought to you by the Dairy Farmers Association of Northern Wisconsin.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today's broadcast is brought to you by the Last Bank of Nightvale, the only bank you can trust.

Their slogan carved in marble over their front door is, We were here for the beginning, we shall be here for the end.

And if that doesn't make you feel like your money is in safe hands, I just don't know what will.

The Last Bank of Nightvale is proud to present the Fall Fair, which will be taking place on the grounds of the Nightvale Elementary School this Saturday.

There will be carnival rides, carnival games, carnival secrets, and carnival dark tunnels leading to carnival caverns.

There will be men in overalls whose arms are thick with matted hair and who smell of old cigarettes.

These men will lean against the metal frame of the Ferris wheel, laughing in thick, hacking coughs, lungs spent and sputtering.

There will be a woman sitting in a car at the back of the parking lot, looking at the fun in the distance and crying, although she does not know why she is crying, and she will think that soon she will be born anew, although she has no idea why she should feel this way.

Also, there will be a raffle.

First prize of this raffle is a 1992 Cadillac Eldorado.

Second prize is a set of steak knives.

Third prize is, you're fired.

Thank you to the Last Bank of Nightvale for what sounds like a delightful civic affair.

The Sheriff's Secret Police have arrived in court with their Frank Chen.

The man in the courtroom certainly looks on the surface like Frank, but he is in many other ways very different.

He is wearing a fedora caulk at a jaunty angle, has a pencil-thin mustache, and is smoking a hand-rolled cigarette.

Bongiono, he said to Judge Chaplin and winked.

What?

Judge Chaplin said.

Exactly is happening here, Sheriff.

Sheriff Sam said, ah, yeah, so this Frank Chen only speaks Italian?

This is in no way our Frank, shouted Mei Chen, representing her family.

Come on, this one is obvious.

It does seem pretty obvious, said Judge Chaplin.

Yeah, okay, said Sheriff Sam.

This one isn't our best work, but you have to admit that he is some kind of Frank Chen.

Excuse me, que kosajedeto, Frank said to the sheriff.

The judge banged her gavel.

Obviously not, no, she said.

Out

the sheriff shrugged and led whatever version of Frank Chen this is out of the courtroom.

May collapsed in her chair from exhaustion and false hope and the months of waiting and thinking maybe this time, maybe this time.

She hated herself for losing control in public and hated herself for hating herself because wasn't it okay to be vulnerable?

I'm fine, she said, although no one had asked.

I'm fine.

And now, the Children's Fun Facts Science Corner.

Today, let's learn about about astronomy.

First, there are planets.

Now, these can be green or orange or blue and any size, from miniature up to gotta have it.

We ourselves live on a planet, which is called Hugo.

I mean, that's not what we call it, but we aren't the only ones in the universe who have named it.

And sometimes it's nice to get outside of your cultural box.

Then there are the stars.

These are very hot and if you tried landing on one your feet would start melting and your parents would get very annoyed with you.

You're getting melted feet all over the floor and didn't I tell you not to go walking around on stars?

Then there is the void.

This is most of it.

Almost all of it is just void.

There's not a lot to do or see in the void, but there is a lot of distance.

People really underestimate how roomy space is.

If you've been looking for privacy, some time to yourself, you could definitely do worse than space.

Finally, there is you!

Yes, you are part of space.

Astronomers have named you Nimbus Heredicus Prime, which is a really cool name, even if it wasn't what you thought your name was.

And I think that about covers astronomy.

This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

I've done some looking into the Frank Chen situation, by which I mean I sent an intern to do some looking into the Frank Chen situation.

Intern Jessica Charles was sent with a list of questions to the Office of the Sheriff's Secret Police.

Now, I thought Jessica would just drop off the list and ask them to send answers over to the radio station at their convenience.

But it seems, instead, she ignored her duty and poked around, trying to find out secret and hidden information.

Now, Intern Jessica, that is not what journalism is.

Journalism is asking officials questions and then printing whatever they say as though it were the truth.

If we were going to start trying to find out what actually is true, our work would never end.

But anyway, Intern Jessica found a door that glowed with a bright purple darkness and gave off a hum that scrunched the skin and flickered the eyes.

She stepped bravely through the door and found herself scattered across several universes at once.

She only had time to briefly call me and let me know what was going on just as her very being was torn across a thousand worlds and she simultaneously entered every possible moment of space and time.

To the family and friends of intern Jessica Charles,

she was fine.

She did okay.

There's been better interns, but we can't all be the best.

That aside, this is interesting information because I think I know exactly where this Frank Chen came from.

You see, there are infinite possible other worlds and it seems that the Sheriff's Secret Police have opened a doorway to all of them, and plucked an alternate Frank Chen, one who apparently likes fedoras and only speaks Italian.

Ooh, Judge Chaplin is not gonna like that.

More on this soon.

But first, the community calendar.

This Thursday, Frank Chen, the owner of Dark Owl Records, will be hosting an 80s night.

So if you're over 79 and under 90, go boogie your little 80s-something-year-old heart out.

Friday afternoon, the school board headed by Frank Chen, with Frank Chen, Frank Chen, and Frank Chen in attendance, will consider whether putting children in forever jail because of a concept we made up called school lunch debt is a good or bad thing.

Saturday morning, Frank Chen will be leading a jogging group at Grove Park.

Put on your best shoes and run like something's chasing you.

Because who knows, something might be.

Saturday evening, the Nightville Cinemas will be showing a Quentin Tarantino retrospective, from early work like Toy Story and A Bug's Life, all the way up to his recent masterpiece, Frozen 2.

Film scholar Frank Chen will be on hand to provide introductions and context for each film.

Monday is Free Apple Day at the Farmer's Market.

Don't ask why they're free, said market manager Frank Chen.

You wouldn't like the answer.

And finally, next Wednesday we'll all be hiding.

Don't ask why.

Think of it as a fun game, if that helps.

As long as you hide all

day.

This has been the community calendar.

Okay,

so as you might have picked up on something in that last section, and if you didn't, don't feel bad, it was very subtle.

I only noticed because of highly trained and keen journalistic instincts.

But it does seem that a nearly infinite amount of Frank Chens are pouring out of the doorway to other worlds and taking over life around our town.

There are Frank Chens from worlds of dystopian robot wars.

and Frank Chens from worlds where material goods are shared equally, and Frank Chens who speak French.

So many franc-chennes.

Yeah, we've got a real mess in our hands and it will take us a while to sort all of these francs out.

While we do that, please have a listen to today's weather.

Amnesia sensing at the moment of birth, like the smell of the rain when it hits dry earth.

The seeds of forgetfulness

like the face of the sea.

A bowl full of lightning

and a transform

dream.

And you can hear

your blood moving.

Shadow of confusing a brittle heart exposed.

You feel the insects moving in the fibers of your clothes.

So you pull it from the shoulder

and you hold it down with pins.

And there's a static charge in the atmosphere

just before the the storm begins.

And you can hear

your blood moving.

You can hear

your blood.

And it's called a moment in that silver light.

Something

flickers briefly

at the edge of your sight

in that instant of silence out to leave the ground.

You can hear your blood moving through.

You were about the only sound.

We opened up windows to the winter air.

Salt through the ashes by dance and nothing there.

We set the pace on fire,

even though it wasn't our heart.

Sifting Sifting through the ashes, there's a handwork doing

your alone

You can heal

your blood moving

You can hear

your blood moving

You can heal

It's your plan,

your blood,

your plan,

your blood,

your plan,

your

plan,

your plan,

your blood.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit washington.org to plan your trip

all of the franks have been placed back in their proper universes thanks to the dedicated work of the nightvale department of sanitation

or they might not be in the correct universe for them but at least they're no longer in our universe which is the important thing

These Franks have scattered back through every possible plane of existence, living different lives, making different choices, a nearly infinite variation on the theme of Frank Chen.

One Frank bought a subway franchise, then lost it during one of the many once-in-a-lifetime financial collapses in his lifetime.

He moved in with his brother, took to painting late at night.

He only ever sold one painting at a local art fair where he had, on a whim, rented a table.

The woman who bought the painting loved it very much and passed it on to her son, who put it away in a closet and forgot about it.

One Frank was the President of the United States.

There's basically a universe where each of us is the president, so that's not that surprising.

Frank is an okay president.

He's pretty good at speeches and everyone likes the presidential parakeets.

But his policy platform of war on trees, complete deforestation now, is a little more controversial.

One Frank was a composer for movies, although he never composed for anything anyone would have heard of.

He mostly scored TV movies, Hallmark stuff, or reality show specials about cute cats.

He didn't mind.

He was not interested in artistic respect.

Mostly, he liked being able to play his instruments and get paid for it.

One Frank was a park ranger who gave tours for children, showing them the paw tracks of local animals and teaching them what to do if they ever got lost in the woods.

You should cry, he would say.

Sometimes it's good to cry, and you'll feel like you want to.

When you feel like you want to cry, you should do it.

He had other advice, of course, but he did want it clear to them that they could always cry.

One Frank ran away from home as a teenager, moved to New York, changed his name.

Life was hard for a long time.

Then it got a little easier.

It was never completely okay that he had to run away, that he had to escape, but he found a life for himself, and that was enough for him.

A baker, a long-term patient at a care facility, a grad student in design and architecture, a mayor of a mid-sized city, a father of three, of one, of zero, dead at 12, at 20, at 37, at 54, at 80, never died, and never will.

All of these francs spiraling out around us.

Every possible franc in every possible world.

And not

a single one of them is our Frank Chen.

The one person that all of this fuss has been about and who is the only one fully absent from our story.

Judge Chaplin is very displeased.

Enough shenanigans, the judge said.

You have one and a half months before November 1st.

If you can't do this by then, the Chen family gets to own the town.

Fair is fair.

The Chens themselves have not indicated what they would do with the town if they owned it, although Don Chen has suggested just donating it for the tax write-off.

Well,

I don't know how I feel about our town being taken away from us, but as the judge said, I suppose,

fair is fair.

Stay tuned next for a deep, low boom from somewhere far beyond the horizon.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Dress Full of Dreams by the Bipeds.

Find out more at thebipedsdance.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio.

Or swim in deep, dark waters where the secrets lie.

Check out WelcometonNightvale.com for info about our Patreon, without which we simply could not do this show.

Today's proverb.

Quoth the Raven, Nah.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcomtonightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a Night Vale is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.