193 - Team Having Fun

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

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Live, laugh, love

or

die, cry, despair.

Your call.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Let me start today's show by saying how much I love you, listeners.

You make this station what it is.

I bring you the news, unbiased, direct, and honest.

And you listen every single day for, oh, how many years now?

What?

Who can even know?

The point is that we're a small community with a small radio station and a dedicated listenership.

I hope you know that you can always call or or write in and let me know what you think about my broadcasting.

And many of you do.

Good or bad, I'm so thankful for everything you have to say because it means

you care.

This is how this business works, or should work.

But, you know, maybe I'm getting old.

Maybe the business of this business is passing me by.

Station management hired radio consultants to help shape our program, my program, to reach a wider audience.

This morning, two brothers named Mike and Cash came into my prep meeting before my broadcast began.

They were very nice.

They told me they thought I was great, doing an awesome job, that they weren't here to tell me what I was doing wrong.

They just wanted to tell me everything I could be doing right.

The name of their company is Team Having Fun.

Yeah, this all seemed fine, I told them.

I'm a team guy, because I don't like upsetting station management, and I like having fun within reason.

I told them to feel free to listen to my show for a few weeks, and then we could schedule a meeting after that to talk about their ideas.

But that's not what Mike and Cash had in mind.

They immediately signed me up for the Team Having Fun Slack channel and told me they'd be updating me throughout the show with ideas from their remote focus group.

I

love

this already.

It's gonna be great.

And now, the news.

A report this morning from Old Town Nightvale of a possible alien abduction.

Beth Jones, owner of the combination dog training studio and CrossFit Gym at Harrison and Somerset, was deadlifting six bull mastiffs above her head when suddenly, A bright light from the sky shone down on her.

Witnesses said Beth was pulled into the air along with the dogs.

Beth was still counting her reps aloud.

According to the report, she had completed over 250 lifts as the light enveloped her entirely.

The bull mastiffs remained in sitting position, not barking or jumping because Beth is a talented dog trainer, and those are good dogs.

Good, good dogs.

Beth's neighbors and friends were reasonably alarmed.

Casper O'Kelly, who lives next door to Beth, said, Seeing your friend get taken by aliens is really scary.

I'm scared, okay?

But also, I'm kind of excited.

Like, you hate to see someone you know get abducted, but also, like, wow, you get to see an alien abduction live right in front of you.

Casper continued, okay, now I'm imagining all the really cool, um, uh, uh, uh, terrifying experiments being done to Beth.

Whoa, like, being frightened is kind of fun.

Casper then jumped behind a bush and told the reporter, okay, okay, okay, pretend you don't see me, and then walk by here, and I'll scare you.

You'll see, it's fun, you'll see, you'll see.

What is...

Oh no.

Oh boy.

Another message from Team Having Fun Slack.

Focus groups don't like hearing bad news.

So if you have to report bad news, try inserting a funny sound effect every three sentences.

But that's not really my style to oh okay, you know what?

The hallway to station management's office is glowing red, so I uh I am on team having fun.

Of course I can play funny sound effects during a serious news story.

Great, super great.

There are a lot of unlabeled audio files here on my board.

And I'm sure they're all hilarious.

We have breaking news on the alien abduction.

The entire desert flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex has been abducted.

How do you abduct an entire building?

Oh wait, that was three sentences.

Okay, let me see here.

How do I play one of these drops?

Here we go.

Yep.

Funny sound effects, totally working.

The bowling alley was closed at the time, but daytime shift manager Samuel Barkway was on duty in the building.

Samuel, as many of you may know, is a former resident of the civilization Below Lane 5 that attacked our town almost a decade ago.

Samuel, being a peace-loving person, defected from his own civilization to become a resident of Nightvale.

Samuel struggled for years to make ends meet.

He was met with distrust from much of our community because he was from a warring state.

Yet, Desert Flower owner Teddy Williams found it in his heart to give Samuel a job, a place to stay, and public support.

So,

Samuel, you will be missed.

I hope you're okay wherever you are.

What is it now?

Focus group liked the sound effects, but not as much as we had hoped.

New plan, play with your pace.

Sometimes you get into a predictable rhythm.

What?

That lulls your listeners, keep them on their toes by speeding up and slowing down.

Great.

Okay, let's try this out on a local interest story.

Last night was the first annual media softball challenge at Mission Grove Park.

Our community radio station made up one of the teams, which included me,

my new intern, Patrick Siren,

and our sales team, all of whom are named Sean.

We took on the staff of the Night Vale Daily Journal, which consisted only of editor Leanne Hart.

All of the equipment was provided by the World Sporting Goods Capital Conglomerate LLC, which just opened a new location over by the Ralphs.

I don't really play sports at all, but the balls and mitts and everything were so nice.

They had metal bats too, but I didn't realize that until I got there.

And they were

cool.

I just love the sound of aluminum hitting anything.

The game was not that exciting.

The Daily Journal won 20-1.

Our station's team started out strong when intern Patrick hit a lead-off inside the park home run off to Leanne Hart.

But knowing she had no other players on her team, she disemboweled Patrick with a hatchet and then placed his eviscerated corpse on top of home plate as a warning to anyone else who attempted to swing at her pitches.

And so we didn't.

We kept

cool.

I looked for a story about Leanne's vicious crime in the paper this morning, but there was nothing.

Nothing at all.

To the family of interned Patrick, he had a great form on his swing and a terrific follow-through.

He will be

missed.

Listeners, more breaking news.

I'm getting word that the alien spacecraft has been abducting people all over town.

Witnesses describe the ship as a large disk with blinking lights all around the edge.

Below the saucer shape is where the bright light beams down, and in the windows of the vessel are beams of astonishing astonishing structure.

The ship was last seen over the Barista district and

oh no.

Reports are coming in that the entire Barista district has been abducted by the ship.

I.

Oh come on.

Doing great as always, Cease.

Ugh.

Focus groups loving the new energy, but they don't like how polished you sound.

They think you think you're better than them.

The way you speak so smoothly and preparedly, you don't sound natural.

Try dropping written scripts entirely.

Speak off the cuff, bud.

Bud, ugh.

Maybe say um more often like a common person.

They want to know you're one of them.

I am one of.

Okay.

Okay.

Putting my pages down.

I'll just do this community calendar from memory.

Extemporaneously.

How's that?

All right, so community calendar.

Thursday is the premiere of Tosca, which is an opera at the new old Night Vale Opera House.

Tosca,

right.

That is the one.

It's probably a, there's always like a soprano courtesan with an alto

friend that falls in love with a tenor.

uh

and there's always a baritone that's trying to break them up

anyway whatever that's on thursday um friday okay friday dark l records um okay there's gonna be a concert by a live concert by megan

the stallion no megan

the stallion

yeah But it's all acoustic.

She's going to be singing her hits, which include that

looking at Life from Both Sides Now,

I Could Drink a Case of You, whatever that song is,

and

1999.

It's more of a dancey song.

There are unfortunately no tickets available right now because Michelle Wynn and her girlfriend Maureen have decided that this is really just a date that are going on, and it's really just for the two of them.

Because I don't think they're in an open relationship right now.

Okay, so Saturday, over at the Rec Center, we're going to be starting some pottery classes.

These are classes for beginners, so you don't have to have any previous experience,

but things that you will learn how to make include clocks, keys, and bongs.

And Sunday is.

Oh, crap, what's on Sunday?

You know, I don't know.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.

Ah!

Doing awesome.

Killing it, guy.

God.

Focus group loves this common folk thing you're doing, but like, you still sound like a radio dude.

Don't think of this as a radio station, Cecilio.

Think of it like a bunch of friends sitting around a bar, eating nachos, drinking suds, chit-chatting, you know.

Consider eating on the air, get a snack, give us that normal fellow vibe.

Team having fun.

Out.

Jesus.

Okay.

A bunch of bros in a bar eating nachos.

Talking news.

Fine.

Here we go.

Breaking news, Nightvale.

The entire city hall

including all of the city council has been abducted by the alien spacecraft.

And now it's completely gone.

No word on how this ship, which is approximately the size of one and a half Applebees,

can fit an entire city hall, a bowling alley, and a Barissa district in its hold.

But I'm sure none of those who have been taken from our quiet little community are still safe.

Oh, hmm.

God.

The horrible experiments being done to them, it's too awful to think about.

But also, also,

you know, kind of exciting.

Like, I don't want to make light of it, it's super frightening what's happening, but like in a thrilling sort of way.

Because, you know, being scared is sometimes fun.

Like,

I don't know,

like a haunted house or a horror film or operating microwave.

Oh my god, thankville.

Um, I can see the alien craft through my window right now, and it's headed right for the station.

Um,

I don't know if it plans to draw us into its deadly beams, but maybe I should go and save myself.

No, no, no.

Of course I shouldn't.

I mean, I'm a newsman.

I'm your newsman, Night Vale, and I would never leave you when there is news to cover.

It is my duty to you, Night.

Oh, come on, what now?

Mike and Cash, what do you...

Focus Group hates the spaceship.

You need to get rid of the spaceship.

CC, please respond.

Oh, Cash.

We're to...

Okay.

Fine.

We'll deal with it.

Um, listeners, Mike and Cash have just run out to the front of the station and they're waving frantically up toward the flying saucer.

And a light, oh my god, it's so bright, is shining down on them.

And

there they go.

Drawn straight up into the hull of the ship.

And just like that,

the spaceship is gone.

Wow.

Well, I guess we should celebrate and

honor their memories with

a weather report.

Here's a really good chapter.

Empty pages.

I'm writing the words, but don't know what they're contagious

And the warmest past two

stress like a disease.

And do I scare you?

Look my way.

What is it you see?

I'm covering my truth

to find

that you were

only

ever looking for

And oh

this time

I thought that you

were trying to change me You

were trying to strip away

the parts you knew

would never

be

at all.

This time

I thought

you

were trying to

change my view.

We're trying to strip away

with what

you're never

This time

I thought

that you

would try to change me.

Strip away

with what you knew

would never

be.

This time

I fight by you

This was trying

to change me.

Try straight

to

me.

This

will never

be

this time.

I'm not like you.

This

was trying

to change me.

Try to stay alive

to what you'll never

be

able to do.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Nightfale, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the aliens are still here.

I do, however, love to be the bearer of good news, which is that the aliens have returned all of the people and places they abducted.

Unfortunately,

They didn't do it right.

City Hall is now in the Barista district, and the Barista District is now where the bowling alley was, and the bowling alley is where City Hall was, but facing the other way.

Daytime Shift Manager Samuel Barkway at the Desert Flower said he's so happy to be back home, and he reported that the NBA Jam machine in the arcade is now a Galaga, which will be very disappointing to my brother-in-law, Steve.

But super exciting to me.

It'd be nice if the aliens had put it all back the way they found it, but one should never look at at a gift horse.

The point is, everything and everybody has been returned.

Beth Jones from the Combination Dog Training Studio in CrossFit Gym is also glad to be back in Nightvale.

She claimed, though, that she endured some intense procedures by the aliens.

They surgically removed large sections of her brain through her nasal passage.

Then they replaced what they took with new, more powerful brains.

And Beth can now speak in over 2,000 additional languages, although none of them are Earth languages.

But still, it's kind of neat, she said in Zilzarian, the language of the Ross 128 star system.

Oh, and the Mastiffs are telekinetic now.

Now, of course, Mike and Cash have also returned, and honestly, I'm happy they're okay.

Look, I'm sorry if I sounded irritated with them, or pleased that they were abducted.

They were just doing their jobs, and they really do live up to their name, Team Having Fun.

Speaking of doing their jobs, they also acquired a new client, which is kind of a relief to me, because they're too busy with that to keep sending me silly ideas on Slack.

Conversely, station management looks super angry.

But there's not a lot they can do about it, though.

Team Having Fun's new clients are the alien abductors.

And even station management is afraid of irritating our potential intergalactic destroyers.

But Mike and Cash seem to really be connecting with the aliens.

They've been added to the Team Having Fun Slack channel, and they're receiving tutorials on how to use Twitch.

According to Mike and Cash, focus groups do not like aliens abducting people, but they love watching them play Rocket League while eating edibles and trash-talking 13-year-olds on the internet.

Team Having Fun is currently communicating all this to the beings of astonishing structure via their new translator, Beth Jones.

Good work, Beth.

Also, good luck, Team Having Fun.

I'm pulling for you.

Like you wouldn't believe.

Stay tuned next for Cat News, the news for cats, by cats, about cats.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dispirition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dispirition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was All This Time by Ellis.

Find out more at ellisongs.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or shout at a bird.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our 2022 tour.

That's right, us back in a room with you.

We cannot wait.

Today's proverb, be careful what you wish for because your wish might not come true and then you'll be sad.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightfale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.