190 - Listeners

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

In 1994, Lawrence Henwick lived an easily unnoticed life.

He worked at the cell phone kiosk at the mall, did his grocery shopping late at night, and mostly kept to himself.

His few friends were those he had known since high school, and he only saw them one or two times a year.

He was polite and orderly, and kept the world out.

And maybe this would have lasted the rest of his life if he had not let his car registration lapse.

A routine traffic stop led a suspicious officer to obtain a search warrant on Lawrence's house.

And what the sheriff's secret police would find would put him in the record books of U.S.

law enforcement, a collection of material considered so illegal and so vile that many agents refused to transport it to the station.

Lawrence Henwick was in possession of the largest collection of writing utensils in the country.

I'm Phoebe Judge.

This is Criminal.

Listeners, something has changed for our quiet little town.

It seems that the rest of the country has become aware of our existence.

I don't know what this means for us.

We are usually such private people, content with our corner of the world.

I hope this doesn't affect real estate values or property taxes and the like, but then maybe tourism would help boost our economy a bit.

I suppose we shall just have to wait and see.

This is the Spork Full.

It's not for foodies, it's for eaters.

I'm Dan Pashman.

Each week on our show, we obsess about food to learn more about people.

When we talk about pizza, we don't talk enough about the crust.

There's thin crust, cheese-stuffed crust, thick crust.

But no matter what crust you prefer, it's not a pizza without it, right?

Maybe not.

On today's show, we talk with Rico Goldblum, owner of Big Rico's Pizza in Night Vale.

As their saying goes, no one does a slice like Big Rico.

No one.

And that's probably true, because all of Rico's pizzas are crust-free.

How do you eat that, let alone cook it?

Time to find out.

Hey, your friend, host Steve Carlsberg, here, and it's time for Dotted Lines, the only podcast to give you the truth behind Nightvale's lies.

Today I have my daughter Janice on to talk about the total lack of wheelchair accessibility at the Mudstone Abyss.

Lee Marvin was many things.

A decorated Marine whose medals included the Purple Heart, who was discharged as a private after being demoted for troublemaking.

A Western actor whose work in Cat Baloo earned him an Academy Award.

and a man who turned down a starring role in Jaws because he thought it would make him look silly.

A veteran who publicly opposed the Vietnam War and the defendant in the case of Marvin v.

Marvin, which established the concept of palimony, the financial support of a former partner to whom a person was never married.

But least known of all is Lee Marvin's later life after he moved to a town

called Nightvale.

A strange little desert town almost unknown to the rest of the world in which Lee Marvin would turn 30

and then

turn 30 again over and over every single day a birthday.

Time would cease to move for Lee Marvin.

To be honest, Even I find this story difficult to comprehend.

Join us, won't you?

For the story of Lee Marvin in Nightvale.

Hello, and welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie, the show where we don't just report on French science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal, but take part ourselves.

Yep, when they make the claims, we show up so you don't have to.

I'm Carrie Poppy.

And I'm Ross Blotcher.

And this week.

Oh my God,

this is so crazy.

This is a wild one.

Okay, so this week we checked out the joyful church of the smiling God, and it was.

I mean, well, we are already smiling.

Just describing it.

We're definitely smiling.

Very painful.

In fact, it won't stop.

And I think it's permanent.

I think it's permanent.

And it's

painful.

It's technology.

It's entertainment.

It's the TED Radio Hour from NPR.

I'm Anoush Zamarodi.

Today on the show,

and wheat byproducts.

Can they be trusted?

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by yearn.com.

Have you ever yearned?

You know what I mean?

What a pain it is to yearn for things.

Sitting by the window, looking at the sky, feeling specific emptiness.

Ah.

Every one of us does it all day, every day, and it leaves little time to eat or sleep or make long-running, incredibly successful, critically acclaimed comedy podcasts.

Well, now there is yearn.com.

You tell us what you're yearning for, and one of our professional yearners will yearn for it on your behalf.

Yearn.com, yearn better.

Yearn now.

All right, back to the show.

We are here with Lee Marvin, star of the new HBO sitcom, Howard's End.

Brothers, for years, my brother-in-law was pretty mean to me.

He works at the local community radio station, and he would tell lies about me from his position there,

telling his listeners, for instance, that my scones lack salt and are tasteless which is ridiculous uh i am an excellent scone baker recently what everybody feels like they're good at scones anybody who's ever made scones i feel like it feels like they're good at scones right well it's hard to make if you can make them just to begin with it's already an achievement recently we have reached a point of understanding and are now quite friendly sometimes however i feel like his niceness can just be as aggressive sorry can be just as aggressive as his former meanness he still talks about me on the radio and he shouts compliments about me to the government agents tasked with watching my house.

It's overly friendly, and it makes both me and the government agents feel uncomfortable.

How can I help him find a balance between his former malice and his current well-intentioned but overly friendly behavior?

What do you think, Trev?

Hello, guy.

Hello, Tim.

Welcome to another episode of The Worst Idea of All Time.

A title that feels, if I'm honest, more and more literal every episode.

Yeah, sort of a joke at first, but now more like an eternal torment.

Yes.

So we are watching the movie Grown Ups 2 once a week.

This is our 10,000 third watch, so that puts it at...

Just around 190 years we've been doing this.

Right here in this grey room where there is nothing but a grey couch and a single TV that only plays Grown Ups 2 once a week and and otherwise does not function.

It's a grim existence, Tim.

It really is.

What was your shining light this week?

I had a dream that we escaped this room.

It was a beautiful dream of freedom I felt.

Light on my face.

I saw the sun.

But then I woke up and

I was here.

Well, it seems that our existence is causing something of an uproar for the rest of the the country.

I'm not clear why.

We are just one small town, ordinary in most ways.

We are Americans like you, unless you are not American, in which case, unlike you.

Surely this clamor and outcry is unnecessary for a town as tiny as ours.

But what do I know of the world?

Honestly, very little.

Hi, I'm Gabby Dunn, and this is Bad with Money.

Okay, Deadbeats, today we're talking about how money works in a very strange place.

I'm sure you've seen the news.

I don't have to tell you.

We've all discovered that there's a town called Nightvale in the American Southwest, and folks, it's very weird.

It's just, wow, a very strange place in more ways than I have time to summarize here, and I love to talk.

It might not surprise you to learn that my first thought upon hearing about Vale was: huh, how does money work in a place where, until recently, time didn't even work?

Money is so much a trust game, the belief that currency will still be worth something by the time you get around to spending it.

How does that trust game work in a place with a literal sheriff's secret police?

To find out, I hopped on the phone with a couple citizens of the town.

I had to.

And the first was named, Are you ready?

The Glow Cloud.

Let's hear what they had to say.

Today on the pod, the discovery of a town called Night Vale within the U.S.

borders in which every known law of physics and metaphysics is broken.

And what does that mean for the upcoming special elections in Minnesota?

Also, President Biden is looking at cutting funding to a Vague Medicine government agency.

Can he do that and should he?

This is underunderstood.

Hey, everyone.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, Adrian.

What do you all know about the town of Nightvale?

The town of Nightvale.

You know, I think I know kind of everything.

Mm-hmm.

Like, I just woke up recently and the knowledge was just in my mind.

And I knew...

Literally everything there is to know about Nightvale.

And everything about the town is impossible, but my knowledge of Nightvale Vale is absolute and involute.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

Welcome to the Dark Owl Podcast.

I'm Michelle Ton Wing, and you are definitely not cool enough to listen to my music opinions.

End of episode.

Goodbye.

This is The Illusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzmann, try to find language on a map.

There it is, up there at the top, right next to the Great Lakes.

This episode is about Michigan.

Or is it Michigan?

Or Minstekan?

Michigan?

Michaigan.

No two people have ever agreed how to pronounce the word.

And if you've never heard of Menchiten, you're not alone.

It's widely considered the least recognizable state in America.

Alright, so the guy sees a dark planet lit by no sun.

Oh, Dave.

Above his workplace, what?

What do you mean what?

Dave, I don't like where this is going.

So, okay, so he decided to move to Nightvale.

I knew it.

Oh, Mike, every time.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I'm Sarah Marshall.

I'm working on a book about the satanic panic.

I'm Michael Hobbes.

I'm a reporter for the Huffington Post.

And on this episode of You're Wrong About, we're going to talk about the Mudstone Abyss.

Ooh, it's like Boston's big dig, but in the desert.

All right, Sarah, should we get to our listener mail?

Yes.

Our first email is from Cecil Gershwin-Palmer.

Cecil says, Hi, Percast.

My cat, Kaushik,

pronounced Kaushik, by the way.

Oh, okay.

And I listen to your show all the time.

He doesn't photograph well, but here's the best picture I own.

Oh, let's bring out the picture.

Oh,

is this a prank?

This photo is completely dark.

No, no, no, wait, look, there's a faint outline.

What?

What?

Are those wings?

It's a cat, Steven, not a bird.

No, those are clearly tentacles.

Everyone has a blind spot.

It's literally the place on the retina where the optic nerve connects to the eye.

No visual information is collected there, which leaves a blank in our vision.

But these blind spots aren't obvious like a hole in a photo or a smudge on a window.

No, even the existence of a blind spot is a blind spot to us.

We don't see what's missing because our brain fills in the rest of the image.

We think we are seeing everything we see, but we're not.

So in 2012, when landscapers in the small desert town of Nightvale discovered the house that wasn't there, a scientist explained it as simply a trick of the mind, a blind spot.

The house was right there when you looked at it, and it was between two other identical homes, so it would have made more sense for it to be there than not.

After years of research, though, the scientists concluded that the house didn't exist at all.

But that scientist discovered a blind spot of his own.

I'm Aaron Mankey, and this is lore.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today, Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League VEEP or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp, and six years and a couple of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Ralph's in the town of Nightvale into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

And I am Usador, wizard of the...

Wait, who is this, Ralph?

Ralph is not a person, Usador.

Ralph is a grocery store chain on my world.

Liar.

Oh, and why were you behind Ralph?

Were you trying to surprise him or puke?

I was behind a Ralphs.

Not behind a guy named Ralph.

And I was just huddling with some of my buds.

You know, like you do.

Who is this A-Ralphs?

Huddlebuds.

I want us to be huddlebuds.

Chun, we are huddlebuds.

Come on, let's go behind Rudds.

Come here, come here.

Come here.

Blue.

Wizard 42.

Blue.

Wizard 42.

Huddle.

Huddle.

Hike.

Oh, my legs are so sore.

We just hiked yesterday.

There's something about it.

It's not as satisfying if it's not behind a Ralph's.

Wreck it.

Welcome to Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's, the Investigative Journalism Program, or IJP, where I ask the question, whatever happened to the pizza at McDonald's?

I'm your host, Brian Thompson.

Many of you have written in to inform me that there is a McDonald's in the town of Knightvale.

This McDonald's does not serve pizza, but it does have a hole in the back that they call the pizza hole.

It is a small hole in the wall near the storeroom, and customers are encouraged to crawl into the pizza hole.

No customer has ever returned from such a trip into said hole.

I knew I had to give this McDonald's location a call.

Welcome to Song Exploder.

I'm Rishikesh Hirway.

Michelle Wynne is the owner of the legendary music shop Dark Owl Records.

She's a champion of underappreciated music forms, but not a lot of people know that she was also the leader of the early 2000s music collective Hands, Legs, Mouths, Horizon.

They're best known for their 2003 single, Buzz.

In today's episode, Michelle breaks down the making of Buzz, starting with the demo that she created by shaking a beehive.

And she tells the story of working with superstar producer Max Martin, who convinced her to update her sound by shaking a wasp hive instead.

This is Maintenance Phase, the podcast that turns snakes back into wheat and wheat byproducts.

Aubrey, I just want to eat a normal loaf of bread again.

Hi, I'm Deb, the sentient patch of haze, and welcome to Nightvale through the side window, your travel companion to all the wonders and delights of Nightvale.

Today, we will be looking at the best hikes for kids in Radon Canyon.

How to eat like a local at the moonlight all night, and how to leave Nightvale.

Spoiler, it's pretty hard and you probably can't.

This is Hidden Brain.

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

When John Peters was 17 years old, he was an elite baseball player.

Major League Scouts loved his strength, his speed, and his mechanics.

But before he graduated high school, John inherited his family farm.

And he gave up his hopes of playing professional sports to grow invisible corn.

Today on the show, Hometown Blues.

Why we choose to stay in the communities where we are raised, and is it possible to leave?

Hello, and welcome to Planet Money.

I'm Mary Childs, and I'm Sarah Gonzalez.

Today on the show, what happens when a billionaire dies and leaves all of his money, as he phrased it in his will, to the hierarchy of angels.

And what do we make of the conspiracy theories that the late investor marcus banston is still operating his business from beyond the grave

this is 99 invisible i'm roman mars

if you were a resident of the small desert town of nightvale in the last 10 years you probably heard radio commercials that went like this listeners are you lost Don't know where to turn?

Might I recommend the Brownstone Spire?

Do you need cash?

Cast your eyes to the Brownstone Spire.

The Brownstone Spire.

It's a real structure, but no one knew what the ads were selling or who was paying for them to play multiple times a day.

We were inspired by crystals.

You know how crystals have a voice, but not when you can hear.

Just a resonance that speaks to you up through your bones, into your viscera and then overtakes your soul.

That was the impetus for our marketing campaign, and it's been hugely successful.

That's Missy Wilkes.

She lives in Knightvale.

She's also the director of community outreach for Wendy's.

And so it goes.

The world is talking about us now.

After all these years, we have taken our place in the conversation.

Well,

I suppose it is nice to be talked about now and then.

But I don't think we should get used to it.

Surely they'll move on once some new headline distracts: a plane crash, or Blight, or the visiting king of a galactic civilization.

These things come and these things go.

But if you are a new listener, I welcome you.

You are all welcome here.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Steve is Hal Lublin.

The voice of Michelle Wynn is Kate Jones.

The voice of Deb, the sentient patch of haze, is Meg Bashwinner.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Thank you to the many podcasts who generously agreed to take part in this episode.

For a list in order of appearance, please consult the show notes.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or invent a desert town and spend nine years writing about it.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our nightvale live North American tour in 2022.

We cannot wait to be in a room with you once again.

Today's proverb, hope for the best.

Prepare for the best too.

It's going to be great.

What could go wrong?

Well, you need to start, I guess, doing more neutral things for him to observe.

Just standing on a lawn

right between the lines.

Yeah, standing on your lawn with as neutral a face as you can, wearing all khaki is a good place to start.

Maybe like a big sandwich baggie full of porridge or oatmeal because it's like, thank you for this.

It is inconvenient, but I appreciate the thought.

And oh my gosh, these two just canceled each other out.

Yeah.

And maybe

like a fly a kite, but that's really bland and maybe like made out of like uh some kind of plain white paper yes that's yeah absolutely like informational like you know the parts of the tax form that you don't have to send back but you print off anyway because you're a bad boy perfect just make a kite out of those really boring things and there's like yes it's neutral this is perfect right make it make a kite out of like saran wrap right that's gonna you're getting you're getting into some challenging aerodynamic ideas travis that's fair that's like really challenging that's fair uh maybe okay here's what you you make some scones right half of them delicious half of them gross right and then you just kind of mix and match okay here's here's some i want to red flag one of these okay if they get one of the bad scones first they're never gonna go back for a good one you know like you're not you're not gonna house that bad one and then be like let me check let me try it let me find out let me try one more time we do how about like a a a perfectly made scone?

Yes.

That is flavored like cut grass.

Yeah, that's neutral.

That's neutral.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat, and also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.