189 - Megan Wallaby Is Missing

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 1 We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July.

Speaker 1 You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 1 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026. You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Speaker 1 Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

Speaker 1 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

Speaker 1 These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

Speaker 1 So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 1 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets to our live U.S. plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.
And hey, see you soon.

Speaker 1 Hi, this is Vin from the band Caged Animals.

Speaker 1 You've heard our songs Radio Down and Wildflowers on the weather, and I wanted to let you know that we've got a new album called Make Strange Friends, which blends nine character-driven songs with a nightvale-inspired radio play.

Speaker 1 If you're curious to hear it or pick up a copy on Ruby Red Vinyl, you can visit us at cagedanimals.bandcamp.com. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 1 So just keep driving around

Speaker 1 two feet from the street

Speaker 1 with the radio down.

Speaker 1 Don't turn it off for me.

Speaker 2 This episode is brought to you by Netflix. Jay Kelly, the new film from Academy Award nominee Noah Baumbach.

Speaker 2 George Clooney stars as an actor confronting his past and present on a journey of self-discovery, alongside Adam Sandler as his devoted manager.

Speaker 2 Critics are calling it a declaration of love to the chaotic art of filmmaking, with the Wall Street Journal praising it as a transcendent comedy drama.

Speaker 2 Jay Kelly is now playing in select theaters and on Netflix December 5th.

Speaker 1 An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it brings all the horses to the yard. Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 1 Listeners, Megan Wallaby is missing. She was last seen on Saturday night attending a party in the desert near Drainage Ditch Road.
All Nightvale residents are urged to be on the lookout.

Speaker 1 Megan is a medium-sized man's hand covered in thick dark hairs. She wears a wristwatch and a pinky ring inscribed with Cyrillic and is surgically attached to the body of a 6'10 bald Russian man.

Speaker 1 She was last seen wearing a blue halter top and jeans. If anyone has information on Megan's whereabouts, please contact her parents immediately.

Speaker 1 We will be following the story with updates as search parties continue to comb the desert. In the meantime, here's what we know so far.

Speaker 1 Saturday evening was hot in the scrublands and the sky bristled with thunderclouds. Megan was excited to celebrate outdoors with her friends that night.

Speaker 1 She had just received her associate's degree in sports medicine and was looking forward to starting a new job at the Senior Center Water Aerobics League on Monday.

Speaker 1 Her close friend, Tamika Flynn, had organized a small gathering in honor of Megan's success.

Speaker 1 At first, Tamika had planned a reading party where everyone would sit in a circle and silently read their favorite books, but Megan convinced her that they should hire a DJ.

Speaker 1 Michelle Wynne from Dark Hour Records was deep into spinning her second set when she noticed Megan lumbering away from the dance area toward a grove of prickly pear.

Speaker 3 I thought she was taking a phone call. At least I know someone's phone rang around that time.
I remember because I was trying to figure out what song it was. The ringtone, I mean.

Speaker 3 It was highly rhythmic and reminded me of insects buzzing?

Speaker 4 Like

Speaker 3 I used to to have a band and it sounded a lot like one of our songs.

Speaker 3 It's hard to think about how one song goes when another song is playing though.

Speaker 3 Actually, three songs were playing at the same time. Tamika asked me to play popular music and the only way I'll do that is if I can spin multiple songs at the same time.

Speaker 3 So it sounds a little like a nightmare.

Speaker 5 I call it freak pop.

Speaker 1 Tamika Flynn also recalled seeing Megan leave the dance floor.

Speaker 7 It was around midnight. I was reading near the bonfire when Megan walked past me.
I remember thinking that she was walking kind of fast. I asked her where she was going, but she didn't answer me.

Speaker 7 I didn't think anything was wrong. I figured she just didn't hear me.
So I went back to my book.

Speaker 7 I'd brought a whole collection of books with great party scenes in them in case anyone else wanted to read. Great Gatsby, Finnegan's Wake, Master and Margarita.
It was only me reading though.

Speaker 7 Shortly after midnight, it began to rain. It rained hard.
Everyone took cover in an abandoned mining shack where they realized that Megan was not among them.

Speaker 7 They went out looking for her, but she was nowhere to be found.

Speaker 1 If you would like to join the search effort, please contact Council Member Tamika Flynn. More on this story later.

Speaker 1 First, a message from the Water Bureau.

Speaker 1 There's something in the water. It is odorless, colorless, tasteless, invisible.
We don't know anything else about it, but we do know that there's something in the water that was not there before.

Speaker 1 We have no guidelines to share at this time. We'll just keep drinking it and see what happens.
In the meantime, please report any unusual symptoms to our customer service department.

Speaker 1 For example, a sudden loss of taste or painful mouth sores.

Speaker 1 The sudden loss of a job or a painful breakup. Vivid dreams or juicy gossip.
Anything at all. We want details.
Call us.

Speaker 1 Now, the crime report. Violent crime in the tarantula community is at a record low.

Speaker 1 Many attribute this to the Teach a Spider to Read program, which has improved literacy rates in that community from 2% to 99.7%.

Speaker 1 The median tarantula now reads at a postgraduate level thanks to the efforts of animal control. However, non-violent crime among tarantulas is up, like way,

Speaker 1 way up.

Speaker 1 Fraud, identity theft, cyber hacking, corporate espionage, and forgery are rampant right now. Citizens are encouraged to change their passwords and check their bank accounts.

Speaker 1 Do not give out any personal information over the phone. Trust no one.

Speaker 1 I have an update on the disappearance of Megan Wallaby.

Speaker 1 Megan's watch has been found at the bottom of the drainage ditch along Drainage Ditch Road. The watch stopped working at 12.05, around the time Meghan was last seen.

Speaker 1 As we all know, there are many reasons why a watch might be separated from its owner, and there are many reasons why a watch would stop working.

Speaker 1 For example, the clasp was loose and the battery died, or gravity got weird and time stopped.

Speaker 1 or some kind of butterfly effect situation where a butterfly flapped its wings against Meghan's wrist, causing her to swat at it, breaking the watch.

Speaker 1 It's not necessarily an indicator that something utterly horrible has happened to Megan.

Speaker 1 Not at all. The watch was found nearly five miles from the location of the party, where Drainage Ditch Road ends and becomes an inhospitable wasteland.

Speaker 1 Megan's parents have released a statement which I will now read.

Speaker 1 First, we would like to thank the efforts currently underway to help bring our Megan home. This last week has been like a nightmare, but we have been given strength by the support of our community.

Speaker 1 We also want to thank our neighbors who have been dropping off baked goods and casseroles.

Speaker 1 We actually have a lot of dietary restrictions and can't eat most of this stuff, but we really do appreciate the thought.

Speaker 1 If anyone out there eats meat, dairy, gluten, or sugar, please come over and take some of this food. We are storing a lot of it in our fridge and no longer have room for our own groceries.

Speaker 1 Thank you again. We are very grateful.
The Wallabies.

Speaker 1 Speaking of baked goods, it's time for birthday shoutouts. People eat cake for their birthday, so that transition totally works.

Speaker 1 A very happy birthday to Kim Cohn, who works down at the Fuel and Go. She is 17 today and is planning to celebrate by having a nice dinner with her family over at the Red Lobster.

Speaker 1 Where coincidentally, it is shift manager Perry Laredo's birthday who is turning 56, but will have forgotten that today is his birthday until he discovers a sheet cake from his employees in the break room, which will have been made by Maryam Ahmadi, who is just promoted to the bakery department down at the Ralphs and is anxious to prove herself as her toddler is turning two years old today and she is trying to save up for the Spanish-language immersion preschool run by Valerie Marquez, who does not celebrate birthdays but does make wishes whenever she blows out a candle.

Speaker 1 She knows it's silly, but sometimes it works. At least it helps her understand what she really wants, which is the first step to getting what she wants.

Speaker 1 At least that's what she read in a self-help book. Ah, and happy birthday to Teddy Williams, who is turning 42.

Speaker 1 And now a disturbing update in the Megan Wallaby story. Megan's non-sentient hand has fallen from the sky.

Speaker 1 A group of Boy Scouts who were conducting heavy artillery maneuvers in the scrublands recovered the severed appendage after witnessing its graceful arcing descent onto their mock battlefield.

Speaker 1 The hand was positively identified by Megan's parents as belonging to her body donor. As we all know, there are many reasons why a hand might become detached from its body and fall from the sky.

Speaker 1 It's not necessarily an indicator that something unspeakably awful has happened to Meghan, but it's safe to say that, probably,

Speaker 1 something pretty bad has happened.

Speaker 1 There's been speculation that Meghan's body donor, once thought to be a benevolent gift from Nightvale's sister city of Nuligorsk, could have had ties to Russian organized crime, who are known to remove the hands of their betrayers.

Speaker 1 I mean this theory is mainly mine, based on the fact that Carlos and I were up late watching the Cronenberg film Eastern Promises on TV last night.

Speaker 1 Some have also theorized that Meghan has been kidnapped and the hand contains some kind of invisible ransom note.

Speaker 1 Others feel that Meghan herself, perhaps lost in the skies somewhere, has dropped the hand as a clue to her whereabouts. Still others have whispered, the sand monsters done ate that girl.

Speaker 1 Not sure what they're referring to there or how they got inside my shower wall. The important thing is that we stay optimistic and keep searching for Megan, who is still missing and presumed alive.

Speaker 1 Let's clear our minds with this week's word jumble.

Speaker 1 The following nonsense words will produce a well-known phrase when rearranged. Here we go.

Speaker 1 Dear Ava, my name is Kaplan Norwalk Jr., and I was born on Old Peachtree Road in Lawrenceville, Georgia, on October 22nd, 1974. I am your father.

Speaker 1 I heard that you play the guitar, and so I made you a book of songs that you can put music to. It's the first thing I've written besides this letter, so they might not be very good.

Speaker 1 If you do make any songs, maybe you could send some to me. I would really love to hear them.
May the gods and angels guide and protect you. Love, Dad.
Inmate 21959.

Speaker 1 All right, there it is. Rearrange that gibberish into something with meaning.
The hint is, Cartoon Rooster's Friends House. Submit your answers by Friday for a chance to win.

Speaker 1 The answers do not have to be correct. Winners are randomly selected from all submitted answers, as are the losers.
You don't want to know what they do to the losers, so good luck.

Speaker 1 This has been this week's word jumble.

Speaker 1 Listeners, I have terrible news and good news. I'll start with the terrible news.

Speaker 1 Megan's lifeless body was found in the scrublands, torn apart by vultures.

Speaker 1 The good news is, Megan Wallaby is back and she is alive and well.

Speaker 1 Huh. Maybe I should have started with the good news.

Speaker 1 Anyway, having lost her body to a grisly fate, details pending, Meghan has retained the appearance of a man's bodiless right hand once again.

Speaker 1 However, she is now deeply tanned, her nails have a healthy luster, and her fingers have developed notable muscle tone.

Speaker 1 Megan crawled from the desert only moments ago, emerging into the parking lot of the Desert Flower, Bowling Alley, and Arcade Fun Complex, and is now resting at home.

Speaker 1 She has not released a statement yet, though she has hinted that her story is a harrowing adventure filled with tragedy, horror, and romance.

Speaker 1 She is composing her statement now and will send it to me soon. While we wait, let's check in with the weather.

Speaker 5 The house that I was raising was the first love of my life.

Speaker 5 I loved its smoking chimney and the way it smelled inside.

Speaker 5 I loved its whitewashed walls, its roof windows and doors.

Speaker 5 But no one I know lives there anymore.

Speaker 5 We don't let them,

Speaker 5 we don't let them.

Speaker 5 We don't let them

Speaker 5 anymore.

Speaker 5 And I won't die there,

Speaker 5 I will die at sea

Speaker 5 Not in these farm walls that once meant the world to me

Speaker 5 We don't live there,

Speaker 5 we don't live there

Speaker 5 We don't live there

Speaker 5 anymore

Speaker 5 I won't die at sea

Speaker 5 Not in this house that once has been a home to me.

Speaker 5 The bedroom of my childhood had red and yellow stripes.

Speaker 5 There were bunnies in the garden and twelve towering pipes.

Speaker 1 And I cried about the daisies when my father mowed the lawn.

Speaker 5 But the bunnies and the pine trees and the stripes are not long gone.

Speaker 5 We don't live there,

Speaker 5 we don't live there,

Speaker 5 anymore

Speaker 5 Not in these walls that once meant the world to me

Speaker 5 No, we don't live there,

Speaker 5 We don't live there

Speaker 5 anymore

Speaker 5 I will die at sea.

Speaker 5 Not in this house that once has been a home to me.

Speaker 5 When I go to see my sister, I pass a place I lived a while.

Speaker 5 What once was green and orange has now turned to sterile white,

Speaker 5 and I still have a copy of my house keys, but I never

Speaker 5 go inside.

Speaker 1 Cause I don't live there,

Speaker 1 I don't live there,

Speaker 1 I don't live there

Speaker 1 anymore.

Speaker 1 I won't die there,

Speaker 1 beneath the waves that have replaced those walls for me.

Speaker 1 anymore

Speaker 1 And I won't die there

Speaker 1 Under the night sky Which is not the roof to me

Speaker 1 anymore

Speaker 1 beneath the waves that have replaced those once for me.

Speaker 1 anymore.

Speaker 1 beneath the night sky, which is not the

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Speaker 1 Megan Wallaby has sent me a statement in her own words about what happened to her and where she has been.

Speaker 6 It all started at the desert party.

Speaker 8 It was around midnight when I left the dance floor so I could find a place to pee in the desert.

Speaker 8 I don't know if you've ever been in a body with that anatomy, but the ability to pee outside easily is a major perk.

Speaker 8 I went past a cactus grove and decided to stand over the side of the drainage ditch. It's actually an arroyo, which is a type of steep gully created by intermittent flooding.

Speaker 8 I learned that in my advanced anatomy class because there are several arroyos in the human body.

Speaker 8 While I was out there, I felt a horrible pain in my left side and I knew I was having a massive heart attack. I had learned about the signs and symptoms of a heart attack in my intro to geology class.

Speaker 8 I lost control of my body and fell down into the arroyo, breaking several bones. My body was already dead at that point, so it didn't really hurt.
But I was stuck.

Speaker 8 I started drumming my fingers in the dirt, hoping my friends would hear, but Michelle's DJing was too loud. Pretty soon after that, the thunderstorm happened.

Speaker 8 Within minutes, a flash flood washed through the arroyo and pushed my body miles away. I found myself stranded in the middle of nowhere, anchored to my body, just waiting and hoping for rescue.

Speaker 8 The next day, I woke to loud screeching sounds. The nearby cliffs were full of nests.
I watched as large pieces of me were pecked away and carried through the sky by vultures and kestrels.

Speaker 8 It's baby raptor season and there are many shrieking mouths to feed. I managed to bury myself mostly in the sand to avoid getting pecked to death and waited until a vulture finally severed my wrist.

Speaker 8 That was painful. I was bleeding a lot then, but I scampered up the side of the Arroyo as fast as I could.
My movement attracted attention and I was soon being chased by a large buzzard.

Speaker 8 I saw a hole in the ground just big enough to fit inside of and hid. That was where I met a kind tarantula named Nero.
I had taken cover in one of the entrances to his family's burrow.

Speaker 8 Nero led me through a network of tunnels deep underground. I stayed with his family for several days and they gave me excellent medical care.

Speaker 8 Their society is very communal, and everyone I met made me feel super welcome, although there was a language barrier.

Speaker 8 Tarantulas communicate through vibration patterns made by drumming their legs against the earth. Nero began teaching me their language, Tarantulish, which is really beautiful.

Speaker 8 Over that time, Nero and I grew closer. We ended up falling in love.

Speaker 1 Yesterday, we got engaged.

Speaker 8 Some people might say we aren't rushing things, but when you know,

Speaker 8 you know. I am still grieving the loss of my body, but I will not be seeking a replacement body donor at this time.

Speaker 8 I am planning to move into Nero's family burrow after the wedding, which can only accommodate me at my current size.

Speaker 8 Eventually, we're going to build our own funnel web in the branches of a mesquite tree. We have already already picked out the location which is near town and has great mesa views.

Speaker 8 There will be an engagement dinner this weekend at Big Rico's Pizza so our families can meet each other, which everyone is looking forward to.

Speaker 8 I plan to start my job with the Senior Center Water Aerobics League next week and can't wait to meet everyone there.

Speaker 1 Go anemones!

Speaker 8 I want to thank everyone who searched for me, comforted my parents, and never gave up hope. I am very happy to be back with everyone I love and am excited to begin this new chapter of my life.

Speaker 1 And I can speak for everyone, Megan, when I say we're happy to have you home safe.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for a repeat of the news and weather in Tarantulish.

Speaker 1 Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

Speaker 6 Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale Presents. This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

Speaker 6 The voice of Michelle Wynne was Kate Jones. The voice of Tamika Flynn was Symphony Sanders.
The voice of Megan Wallaby was Janet Varney. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 6 Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.
This episode's weather was Assenweg 16 by Laura Thies. Find out more at badass snowwhite.bandcamp.com.

Speaker 6 Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio. Or build an app, I guess, is what we're all supposed to do with our lives now.

Speaker 6 Check out welcometonightvale.com for so much cool merch. We have a ton of shirts and prints and a Koshic plushie that Joseph didn't think he was going to like, and then he loved it.
Today's proverb.

Speaker 6 Technically, a tomato is a fruit because it contains teeth and pulsates when sung to.

Speaker 1 Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Speaker 1 Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightvale, Cecil Baldwin, for for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Speaker 1 Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts. Boo.