153 - The Heist, Part 1

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do, but don't worry.

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I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

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I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

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Constellations are fan art depicting ancient gods.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I've said many times that science is neat, but sometimes it is also messy.

Carlos converted one of our guest rooms into a laboratory so he can spend more time at home and get some needed renovations done on his laboratory downtown, which seemed like a great idea until I realized that it's impossible to contain chemical odors and stains from getting all over the rest of the house.

Not only did acid eat through our new Egyptian tiled backsplash, but also a petri dish grew feet and walked outside, only to walk back inside tracking mud all over my new hand-woven Svitzian rug.

The last straw was when Carlos stained all of his shirt sleeves, not to mention his hands, and somehow, even the quartz countertops a dull green, which completely threw off my kitchen color palette.

I told Carlos he had to stop, but he insisted he had made a major breakthrough in his doorless fridge invention.

Cecil, this is so exciting, he said, bouncing up and down like a child who wants a toy or needs to pee.

The problem with refrigerators is the door.

In order to put food in or take food out, you have to open the door, and that's totally bad because it lets all the cool air out, raising the temperature of the other food inside.

I told him that's not that big of a problem, but his face darkened and he said, baking is an exact science, Cecil.

If the butter is off by a couple of degrees, my croissants are ruined.

I understood, but I asked that he find another place to conduct that particular experiment.

He's turning everything in our home a dull green, including his own skin.

Fortunately, my sister Abby and her husband Steve Carlsberg just bought a new house.

Ever since his promotion to vice president of the last Bank of Nightvale, Steve has been saving up to buy a larger home for his family, one with a yard for dogs, no stairs and wider doors for his daughter Janice's wheelchair, and even his own man cave where he can raise bats and cultivate rare crystals.

And they finally closed on their dream home this summer.

They bought Janice a car too, complete with accessible hand controls, a state-of-the-art sound system, and a moonroof that closes automatically at night so you never have to see that awful moon.

Anyway, there is also a giant empty storage shed out back of their new home, and Steve and Abby told Carlos he could work in the shed until his laboratory downtown is ready to use again.

So far, it sounds like everything is working out fine for Carlos, although he did accidentally leave a large green handprint on Janice's new car.

The good news is, she thought it looked really cool, so she decided to leave it.

Listeners, I'm getting word that there's a robbery taking place in downtown Nightvale.

Three people have entered the the last bank of Nightvale and are demanding money from the tellers.

The robbers are wearing masks of former U.S.

Presidents Richard Dixon, William Henry Harrison, and Emma Goldman.

The Sheriff's Secret Police, as well as the Sheriff's Overt Police, are on the scene, but the perpetrators have begun to take hostages and the police are trying to negotiate.

The robbers have not stated any demands yet, so the police are left to guess what they want.

One officer suggested giving them a million dollars, which was roundly accepted by the fellow officers as a great idea.

Because, while human lives cannot be distilled down to a monetary value, a million dollars is pretty cool.

But this idea was shot down by Sheriff Sam, who pointed out that the department does not have a million dollars.

What if we got them a puppy?

Another officer offered up.

My Bassett just had a litter and I thought we'd be able to sell them, but it's definitely a buyer's market out there for hounds, the officer continued.

Anyway, I've got a brown one with white spots and two white ones with brown spots.

I've named them Chutney, Footstool, and Bob Ross.

Footstool is the runt.

Let's give the robbers Footstool.

We're not giving them puppies, Sheriff Sam shouted.

Ooh, what about an Applebee's gift card?

Another officer said, worth a million dollars.

Or a coupon book for free favors, another said, like repainting the guest room or raking leaves, or, oh, wait, we're the police, right?

a free crime day they they could use that coupon today and we don't have to arrest them and file all the paperwork and the hostages get to go free we could even have a coupon for a 15 minute back rub

all of the officers clapped for this idea not just a win-win but a win-win-win for the hostages the robbers and the police All except Sheriff Sam, who silenced them all with a loud whistle.

More like a pan flute, really.

It's an enchanted whistle that causes vocal cords to stop working.

We are police, the sheriff scolded.

It is clearly stated in our oath of office to never give back rubs to bank robbers.

They then set to work trying to devise a plan to stop the robbery and free the hostages in the bank.

Oh dear, listeners, I was just talking about my brother-in-law Steve, and here comes this terrible news.

I have no further information about Steve's condition right now, nor the other citizens who are being held at gunpoint inside the bank.

I will update you as events progress.

In the meantime, let's go to sports.

The Knightville High School Scorpions opened their season this Friday against the Whispering Forest Wood Dogs.

Scorpions head coach Latrice Beaumont said this will be a tough matchup.

The Wood Dogs, a team entirely comprised of trees, are roundly regarded as one of the toughest defenses in the state, with their tactic of whispering compliments to opposing players until those players themselves turn into trees.

Last season, Whispering Forest dealt Knale its only loss as nine of the Scorpions' starting offensive players, including quarterback Junius Duncan, were won over by the Wood Dogs' pleasant cooing.

By the end of the game, the field was covered in trees, many of them former Knightvale High School student athletes.

And Whispering Forest snuck out with a 3-0 win on the late field goal that was somehow kicked by a tree.

Coach Beaumont said she plans to give her players earplugs to help dampen the whispers from the Wood Dogs defense.

She also has uglied up the Scorpions' uniforms, adding mustard yellow and hot pink Argyle atop the dark purple jerseys, hoping that the arboreal defenders will find little good to say.

The Scorpions are starting a new quarterback this season, sophomore phenom Julie Dobbs, who won the job because of her prophetic dreams.

Her slumbering subconscious is able to see the future, most notably other teams' defensive strategies.

She also uses her dream journals to develop a nearly unstoppable offensive game plan.

She also owns her own football, which was a huge plus for the coaches.

Good luck this weekend, Scorpions.

We're pulling for you.

I now have the names of the hostages being held at the last Bank of Nightvale.

Jesse McNeil, a security guard who has worked at the bank for nearly 50 years.

Oh, Jesse, what a sweet old man.

He says hi to me every time I go there, always has a smile and a compliment.

Why, just the other day he said to me, heard you on the radio, Cecil, and I was beaming with pride.

Another hostage, bank teller Genevieve Daly, who started at the bank this week.

Oh, Genevieve, what a tough break.

Just know that we're pulling for you.

Bank customer and local dinosaur expert Joel Eisenberg.

Oh, Joel, I know Joel.

He's such a smart guy.

And the last of the hostages, staff supervisor of the bank Susan Willman.

Okay, well, tough.

Unfortunately, after several grueling minutes, negotiations between the sheriff and the robbers have broken down.

So the police have decided that the only way to break the stalemate is with physical force.

While this makes sense in chess, I don't know if this is such a good idea for hostage negotiations, listeners.

But the police have advanced into the building to engage the thieves directly.

Witnesses reported hearing several gunshots, but they said the noises could also be fireworks, part of the day-long celebration of Lee Marvin's 31st birthday, which was back in June.

Oh, happy late birthday, Mr.

Marvin.

You don't look a day over 30.

We cannot see inside the bank, and no one has emerged yet.

I will have to report back later as soon as I have...

Oh no, wait, wait.

I'm being told that the bank is on fire now.

The west wall of the bank is engulfed in flames and the Nightville Fire Department is already on the scene.

They are shouting at the fire to stop being such a nuisance, but the fire does not appear to be listening.

Oh, this isn't good.

And even more frightening for me, I did not see Steve Carlsberg's name on the list of hostages.

Abby told me he was at work today, but why was he not taken hostage?

I can only hope he had gone to lunch when the robbery began.

Steve, if you hear this and you're at lunch, don't go back to work.

It's on fire.

I feel so powerless.

All I can do is hope and bring you the weather.

But I can't think

what to say.

Life goes on without you

somehow

anyway

I just wanted to know

how you've been

Where you're at

if we're still friends

Cause I I miss my friend

I just miss my friend

I sat down to write you

but I don't know

what to say.

I'm not in no trouble,

not really.

I just stay up late,

wake up late.

Keep making

the same mistakes.

I

need a friend,

I just need a friend

I sat down to write you

But all I wanna do

is cry

I'm

fine without you

I drink too much

Say too much

Make up

with random men

when I just need my friend.

Yeah, I

need my friend.

I sat down to write you

though I'll never

send this your way.

I know

I left

things on

the same.

I was trying

to make my break.

Now all I am

is broken.

But

I need

my friend.

I just need my friend.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet Super 8, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you, it lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

First, the good news.

The hostages have been freed.

Inside the the bank, the police drew their weapons on the robbers, but could not get off a clean shot because of the hostages blocking their line of fire.

The robbers fired back, forcing the police to retreat behind a CoinStar machine and a full-size promotional cardboard cutout featuring a hooded man, his jagged smile just barely visible in shadow, holding a raw slab of red meat.

with the bold text below him reading, Great mortgage rates are inside of you.

But the second wave of officers blocked the thieves' escape from the front entrance.

Then, and Sheriff Sam did not see how this happened, but a fire began in the bank lobby.

It spread quickly and the room filled with smoke.

In the confusion, the hostages broke free from their captors and the robbers ran from the police.

Fire engines sprayed water and broadcasted loud admonishments at the fire to knock it off already.

Susan, Joel, Genevieve, and Jesse ran out into the street, covering their faces, choking on the black air.

As Jesse emerged, his 75-year-old body was knocked backwards by one of the fire engine's hoses.

Jesse was soaked head to foot.

The firefighters apologized, but Jesse merely brushed himself off and then generously complimented their work by saying, I see you're fighting a fire.

What a gentleman.

The three perpetrators of the bank robbery also fled through the front of the building, but the police quickly halted and arrested them.

As the fire finally subsided, amidst the damp, charred masonry and broken glass, came another figure.

Steve Carlsberg emerged from the bank, sweating and limping, but safe.

An ambulance arrived to take the survivors to the hospital, but they all declined, except Steve, who had a broken foot, and gladly took the EMTs up on their offer.

The bank robbers were transported to the abandoned mineshaft outside of town for questioning.

It's an open and shut case.

The bad people lose and the good people win, and every single person, even the people who own Applebee's, is glad no one had to purchase a $1 million Applebee's gift card.

My brother-in-law is safe, as are his employees and customers.

No one died, and not a single dollar was taken from the bank registers at the front counter, nor the ATMs, nor the CoinStar.

star.

Even the fire didn't damage those bills.

That was the good news.

The bad news.

As the police did a final sweep of the bank, searching for anyone else inside, whether they be customers or criminals, they reached the bank's vault in the back of the building.

Before he left for the hospital, the police asked Steve Carlsberg to open the vault for them.

We're sure everything's fine, they said.

It's routine in a bank robbery, they said.

I understand, Steve said.

He opened the vault, they looked inside, and they saw nothing.

Millions of dollars in bills and gold were gone.

Sheriff Sam said there's a conspiracy here, and they're going to really put the screws to the people they arrested.

No HBO until they explain where the money from the vault is, the sheriff declared.

And that's a big deal because a black lady sketch show just premiered last month and it is crazy good.

The sheriff said they have no clues yet as to where the money in the vault went, but they did discover the robbers' names are Richard, William, and Emma, which is interesting because those are the names of the presidents whose masks they wore.

I don't think that's a coincidence, the sheriff said confidently.

The bank lost a great deal of money today and some innocent people lost their sense of comfort, but we are all still alive.

At least those in this story are.

And I'm so happy to know my brother-in-law is safe, as are Jesse, and Joel and Genevieve, whom I've never even met.

I'm glad those specific people are okay, as well as anyone else who was taken hostage today.

Stay tuned next for an unedited recording from two years ago of you talking to a kitten.

You sound ridiculous.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disperition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was My Friend by Dominique Chantelle Worthing with Barrett Ward.

Find out more at soundcloud.com/slash Dominique Worthing.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or say something uplifting to your pet.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information about our upcoming live tours this month and November and the first ever live performance of our sister podcast, Start With This, in Boston this October.

Today's proverb: Don't go writing metaphors.

Please stick to the similes and literal descriptions that you're used to.

My friends, my family, my cradle.

I believe there is an expectation when one has been living in comparative isolation to be seduced by worldliness when given the opportunity.

To see a life that has been denied you or that you have denied yourself and deem it better than the life you have.

I find the opposite is true.

I have never been more convinced of the importance of our work within the cradle.

Family, my friends, truly is everything.

Think of your children.

Think of the indescribable joy of the first time you held them, the unshakable bond you share with them.

Think of the trust your children have in you.

The way they run to you when they're afraid.

The tiny joys and sorrows they share with you.

Think of the terrible beasts hiding in the forest that wish to take them from you.

Not serpents in lakes or whispering figures behind the trees, but uniformed sentinels of the new society.

They do not want us to be free.

They do not want us to squirm from their grip.

I have been inside their institutions, seen their ways, and they will not stop until they have devoured us, swallowed our children.

The woods in Hedmark are dark and shadows can hide hungry predators.

Before the Great Reckoning, families raised children, drew together in communities, in tribes and in nations of shared ideas, giving of themselves for each other.

We nourished the land and it nourished us.

We fed our babies and as we grew old they fed us.

We protected our neighbors and they protected us.

This has all been lost in most of the world.

It is our duty and privilege to preserve it, to preserve family.

There will come a time when the world realizes its mistake and we will be ready for that time.

There will come a time when we are called upon to be a beacon and we will be ready for that.

I will do my part part to keep us safe.

I'm only one woman, one mother, one root of this fruitful tree.

Pour everything you have into the cradle, into our community, for we must and we will survive.

For the future happiness of the world, we must flourish so we can show the society the way when our time comes.

The millennium is upon us and we will be the first to greet it.

Thank you for listening to our 2019 trailer.

Episodes 1 and 2 of Within the Wires Season 4, The Cradle, debut on Tuesday, September 10th with new episodes every two weeks through December 31st.

Within the Wires is written by Jeffrey Kraner and Janina Mathewson and performed this season by Mona Grena with original music by Mary Epworth.

Find more of Mary's music at maryepworth.com.

Within the Wires is a production of Nightvale Presents, and special thanks this season to Osteen Olsberg-Brager and Philip Thorne of the Amelia Project, as well as Christian Bjorga and Nima Bamery of Nitro Studio in Oslo.

Find more information on Within the Wires and support our Patreon at withinthewires.com.

Patrons get excellent benefits like bonus episodes, fake ads, video chats, and behind-the-scenes stories.

We cannot wait to share season four with you soon.

Thanks again for listening.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Ivy Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September, and we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada, in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.