152 - The Great Golden Hand

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official wokeast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley, along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

The great golden hand.

Hurrah, rejoice.

It nears, It nears!

Welcome to Night Vale!

Wonderful news, residents!

City officials report that within the next few hours, we should expect the arrival of the Great Golden Hand.

This will mark the first visit from the Great Golden Hand in nearly 80 years.

Older residents and those who up until recently did not age will remember the last visit fondly.

Those were the days when the air felt crisper somehow.

As though growing older does not cause a degradation of self, but rather a degradation of everything outside of self.

We project our own decline upon the world and complain that everything was brighter and better at the time that we, coincidentally, were at our physical and mental peak.

But I digress.

Because everything was better during the Great Golden Hand, that's just objective.

We will update you on the hand as it approaches.

But in the meantime, make sure that you are stocked up on a supply of clean water, adequate canned goods for five to eight years, and copious amounts of human hair for the offering.

If you do not have hair, please make sure to stop by the hair bank this morning to pick up hair generously donated by your neighbors or those who crave human hair by the fistful.

But first, today's forecast.

Rain later?

Or no rain?

Or sun?

Or snow?

or none of those things.

There will be some light clouds along the horizon, or it will be clear, and you will stand out on a lawn gone prickly with the conservation of water, and it will seem that you can see all the way across the world, even though you know that you can only see about three miles to the curvature of the earth, but it's metaphorical this distance, and with the clarity of the sky, it will seem much farther than that.

Or there will be clouds, so none of that will happen, and you will only sit in your kitchen eating leftovers and not thinking even a little about everything you've never done and you will never get to do.

Or, you won't wake up today.

There will come a day where you don't, you know,

and then none of this will matter.

And the sky will be a perfect blue, and you won't see it.

Or it will rain, or no rain, or sun, or snow, or none of those things.

All of that later today,

or tomorrow, or never.

This has been today's forecast.

We continue to track the Great Golden Hand as it takes over much of the western horizon.

Larry Leroy out on the edge of town reported that flowers have begun growing and dying in bursts all morning, cycles of life that pass as quickly as air through his lungs.

These plants are speeding up, he said, or else we are slowing down.

Maybe thousands of years have passed, and the only ones that know are the flowers.

Larry would a joker.

City government tells us we have nothing to fear from the Great Golden Hand, although city government is in a bit of disarray.

As of course, we do not have a mayor, and city council has announced that they forgot it was their sister's wedding this weekend in Tulsa, and they need to leave town immediately.

So city government currently consists of Claire Scott at the Hall of Public Records.

Claire is a woman-shaped apparition that haunts the dark hallways of the building and is responsible for at least 10 deaths.

It's not an ideal situation leaving her in charge, but at least someone is there as the great golden hand draws ever closer.

Let's take a quick look at the headlines.

Controversy has erupted over a new McDonald's commercial as many say that the victims offered on the altar weren't properly consecrated.

Lenny Butler, who has no official bona fides on religion or ceremony, but who considers himself something of a sacrifice aficionado and self-taught expert, dismissed the commercial as, quote, more hack co-opting by corporate culture.

He shook his head in disbelief as he showed reporters a copy of the commercial.

Look at at this, he said.

Does that axe look like it has been buried for 100 days in a graveyard?

I bet some underpaid PA bought that axe at an Ace Hardware the day of the shoot.

And look at how the subsequent bone and blood slurry is just kind of spilling everywhere.

There's no thought at all to proper aesthetic flow to the sacrifice, Lenny concluded.

Executives at National McDonald's headquarters expressed horror and disbelief when asked about the commercial, saying they had nothing to do with this and why are we making them watch this traumatizing footage?

Why?

The executives repeated over and over in smaller and smaller voices.

Why?

Well, that's it for the headlines.

And now traffic.

There is a crack in the wall.

There is a twinge in your heart.

There is someone coming, but don't worry.

There is is also someone going.

There is a lamp in an alcove, in a house on a mountain.

There is a hand that reaches out and turns on the lamp.

There is an eye that squints through the dim light, trying to see what isn't there.

There

is a name.

Yes, there

is a name.

But we will never know what it is.

There is a dusty foot scooting along rough wood.

There is a tree outside and it moans through the fierce wind off the peaks.

There is a small flower in a pot, and it is three days from dying.

There is a lamp in an alcove, in a house, on a mountain, and a hand that reaches out and turns it off.

There

is a car

on a road to the mountain.

There

is a mind dreaming that this time their reunion will go differently.

There is a hand on a steering wheel and it trembles.

There is a foot upon a gas pedal and it wants to ease up, to turn around, to accelerate toward anything but a house on a mountain.

There is an eyelash upon an eyelid, upon an eye, upon a skull, upon a lifetime of doubt.

There is a tree across part of the road.

And maybe that could be an excuse, but no.

The hand upon the wheel turns

and finds the narrow way through

and continues on

toward the house

on mountain.

There

is a crack in the wall.

There

is a twinge

in your heart.

There

is someone

coming.

But don't worry.

There

is also

someone going.

This

has been

traffic.

I am being told by a multitude of disembodied mouths that appeared in my office and began warbling in a Sing Songy chant that the Great Golden Hand is only minutes away from covering the entire area.

If you have not already sought shelter, now would be the time to regret screwing up so badly on such an important day.

Remember to not look directly at the Great Golden Hand.

The Great Golden Hand should not be mixed with alcohol or other medications without advice from your doctor.

Unfortunately, the Great Going the Hand has taken all the doctors.

Also all life insurance adjusters and all dog walkers.

If you notice sparks, that is part of the process.

If you feel a fission, that is also part of the process.

If you see the color green, that is not part of the process and you should panic.

The process will protect us.

The Great Golden Hand

will protect us.

Long live the Hand Hand Hand.

Meanwhile, just a brief notice before we're overtaken by the Hand Hand.

It seems that, oh, this is interesting, that the family of Frank Chen has filed a missing persons report with the Sheriff's Secret Police.

Now, you might remember that Frank Chen's dead body was found several years ago covered in claw marks and burns, and we all assumed he was dead.

But then he was seen around town, driving his pickup truck, and now he looked like a five-headed dragon.

Sure, he looked completely different, but the dragon had a New Jersey driver's license indicating that he indeed was Frank Chen.

And so that was the day it was proven to us that the dead can come back to life looking completely different.

Anyway, the Chen family says that Frank was driving out from the East Coast to see his brother and disappeared somewhere between Oklahoma and Los Angeles.

It took them several years to find Night Vale, although our recent change back to a normal timeline has at least put us a little more in sync with the rest of the country.

The Chen family is unsure what a sheriff's secret police is, nor what is so secret about them if they drive around in clearly labeled cars, but they would appreciate any help at all in finding their long-lost Frank.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen Frank since the day that Hiram McDaniels, the five, oh, sorry, four-headed dragon, left Nightvale.

Where did Frank go?

If you have any information, tell a bird.

Birds are real loudmouths, and the info will be all over town in no time.

And now for the community calendar.

This Friday, Martin McCaffrey is presenting an art show in the grain silo out back from the old Cooper Farm.

The silo will be kept in absolute darkness, and each viewer will be shoved into the abandoned tower, all alone.

They will not be able to see anything except the dancing light that lives in their eyelids.

But they will know that they are with art.

That art is indeed there, just beyond their fingertips, in the darkness, watching them.

Suggested donation is $5,

as in, Martin suggests you donate that, or you won't be able to get in.

Saturday morning, we're getting towards the end of the Summer Softball League, and once again, we have the annual grudge match between Steve Carlsberg's Happy Hyenas and Susan Willman's Bad at Softball Losers.

Not their real team name, but the name was kind of forgettable, and I think this one is more catchy.

Ugh, Susan Willman.

Tooling around in that Priya she bought after Minnie Cooper was filled with jellyfish and then toad.

Anyway.

See you on Saturday morning, where we will, I assume, be cheering on my wonderful brother-in-law Steve.

Sunday, Leopold Tuesday has called for a community meeting.

Leopold is the former CEO of the former cereal company Flaky O's, until both were acquired in a hostile takeover by Kellogg's.

Leopold was last seen being pulled into a van by Kellogg's executives, but he has returned.

His face is gaunt, and it appears he has aged several decades or perhaps a few very stressful years.

He wears a cape and one thick leather glove.

The topic of the community meeting is the labyrinth that lays just beyond human sight, and the harbingers of that labyrinth who drive vans full of wooden crates.

He also wants to discuss parking for the antiques fair, which he feels has gotten out of hand on Grove Street.

Monday is a fun dinosaur presentation from local dinosaur expert expert Joel Eisenberg.

This is part of the Apple Bees Visiting Experts program that invites local scholars to share their knowledge and also prices jalapeno poppers at an irresistible $3.99 for $12.

Wow, with a deal like that, I can't wait to learn more about those big spitty lizards or whatever they were.

Tuesday.

is the day you've been waiting for.

Yes,

you could have achieved your dreams earlier, but it always seemed easier to plan to do them someday.

Well,

Tuesday is that day.

And now it's time to finally buckle down and get those dreams going.

I wouldn't delay because it seems that Wednesday is the day

you die.

So stay positive

and get it done quickly.

And finally, next Thursday, the Night Vale Municipal Fire Authority is holding a mandatory fire drill.

When you hear the siren, burn as many things as you can.

This has been the community calendar.

Oh, oh, I see it.

I see it.

It is here.

It is above me.

The

grave.

Drones to a circle where men once gave their lives to grieve

A worn off by mothers, their children and joystakes across the sea.

I'll wonder what my mother's their children

see.

Blake so far dropped my drawing.

Break the shadows, the drop, the fire, light life.

Burning fire, I'll throw it into the town of the

heart.

So we're just burning out.

I'm trying to keep the line inspired

by the

world.

Marry the mother

of yourself,

and I'll be expanding.

Supper I'm skinned at the flame.

Don't have to let my husband

stop and touch out.

Fall on the best dreams, I'm not okay.

Don't go alive.

Come on, I'm dying for mine.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet super eight, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you, it lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of Kraken Rum.

It winks and tells you Kraken Rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Part 1.

In which the rabbits get their way.

Before there were buildings, there were hills.

In the hills, there were rabbits.

All they wanted from life was food, a bit of sunshine, and to multiply across the land.

And so they did.

Most stories are happy if you end them at the right time.

Part 2, in which we approach.

Ah, to see us then,

when we were moving

toward the west, or else toward the east, or else south, or north, but it wasn't the direction.

It was the momentum of it.

We put ourselves out there, made ourselves available for new opportunities.

And never mind the drawbacks, and never mind who gets hurt.

That's a problem for who comes next.

We are here,

so we can get there.

And there's just nothing else to worry about, but the getting.

Part 3.

In which comes the kingdom.

Great towers

and great halls.

A crowd looking upwards and a king.

looking downwards.

What a time to be alive.

What a terrible time to be dead.

How much the dead are missing out on.

Death is stupid,

and we must only celebrate life.

Those who are gone are gone, and it's probably their fault anyway.

We are alive because of our wits

and because we are naturally inclined to be alive.

How good we are,

we murmur, and how beautiful our king is.

Part 4, in which all is thought lost.

But then,

time

came for us too.

We weren't who we used to be, but we also weren't who we would be next either.

There was this awful

in-between,

and we had to stay in it for so long.

Our king grew tired on his throne.

We all grew so

tired.

Part the last,

in which we are each born anew.

After

there were

the buildings

there

were the hills.

In the hills lived

rabbits.

And we lived there too.

All we wanted was food, a bit of sunshine,

and to multiply across the land.

And so we did.

Most stories are happy if you wait long enough.

The

gives.

The

takes.

Stay tuned next for a slow drifting toward what we've always wanted, interrupted by the constant distraction of what seems easiest, and from one disciple of the

to another.

Good night.

Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Drones by Epicenter.

Find out more at epicentermetal.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or explain why technically every bird you can't identify is a UFO.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information about our upcoming live tours this September and November and the first ever live performance of our sister podcast, Start With This, in Boston in October.

Today's proverb.

The universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, endless void, a diamond planet, and your tiny body.

Your sausage mcmuffin with egg didn't change.

You receipt it.

The sausage mcmuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Prices and participation may vary.

Trip planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

your hammocking,

and your pooling.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.