127 – A Matter of Blood Part 1

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightve.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Honey, bunches of votes is the forma perfecta

Honey punches devotes for all.

Toce para sabermás.

Sleep like there's nobody watching.

Welcome to Night Veil.

Mayor Dana Cardinal, now in her fourth year on the job, has gotten comfortable with the responsibilities and powers of the position.

She issued a statement in casual conversation with your intrepid host just yesterday while we happened to be next to each other in line at the missing frog salad bar, saying she believes she could bring about some lasting positive change with her position.

As such, she will be instituting a number of programs to radically expand the power and oversight of the mayor, putting her directly in charge of the agents from the vague yet menacing government agency who spy on her every movement.

as well as the sheriff's secret police who regulate our every waking breath.

She said by taking on full control of all areas, she will be able to make sure everything is run more justly, more humanely, and with less imprisoning dissidents for life in the abandoned mineshaft outside of town.

But, she said, this change will be difficult for a lot of people, and so she asked me not to

tell anyone just yet.

Oops.

So, this has been Cecil's Fiction Corner, in which I write fanfiction about real people in town.

None of that was true.

On to actual news now.

Astronomers and astrologists alike were excited to announce we will soon experience a rare cosmological event, the blood matter from space.

Once every 500 years, our region experiences blood matter from space, and experts believe this might be the largest such event in recorded Nightvale history.

Although specifying that with any certainty is tricky, the experts say, the problem is that most of recorded Nightvale history has been covered over with a sloppy black ink scribble and the note, sorry, top secret, love the government, scrawled on every page.

Sometimes those same government employees will arrive at important events while they're still happening and start shoving wadded up socks into people's mouths while shouting, la la la la la, I can't hear you, in order to get a jump on censoring history.

Anyway, for those space heads and starge who are excited by the upcoming blood matter from space, it appears the best viewing will be from literally anywhere in the region.

It's gonna come down hard on us, and there's no hiding from it.

Carlos and I will be holding our own viewing party here at the station, and it's open to the public.

Please bring one potluck item, one bundle of dried herbs to mollify station management, and of course, galoshes.

You're going to need galoshes.

Can't wait.

And now a segment I like to call Cecil Gershwin-Palmer's Theater of the Mind.

Please, with your mind's eye, travel into a theater.

You are in.

A theater.

You print your tickets at home, annoyed that for unfathomable reasons this theater doesn't do wheel call.

Then you forget the tickets you printed out, so you have to argue with the guy in the box office for a bit before it turns out they can in fact print your tickets there, they just don't want to.

That sorted, you enter the lobby.

It smells like wet velvet.

The paint is peeling a bit, but you can see that once this theater was really something.

It's still something, you suppose.

Just a very different kind of something.

You don't have to pee, but you think you probably should just in case.

The bathroom is tiny and it has a long line, so you decide not to pee.

Except, of course, now that you thought about it, you do have to pee.

You sit in your seat and hope the first act isn't too long.

and mentally trace out the route you'll speedwalk the moment the lights come up for intermission, so you'll be one of the first at the bathroom.

Finally, some 10 minutes after the show is supposed to start, the curtain opens.

That's it for this installment of Cecil Gershwin-Palmer's Theater of the Mind.

Next time, we'll get into the actual show.

So, look forward to that.

Controversy has arisen about Dana's plans to radically expand her mayoral power, which were leaked to the public through

some

unknown channel.

No, really, it could have been anyone who told.

The city council was the loudest voice of protest.

Their lungs are huge, and they can make their voice deafening.

The machinery of Night Vale government is delicate, the city council screamed, loud enough that it woke even Larry Leroy out on the edge of town, who was asleep because it was 4 a.m.

This policy shift can only upset the checks and balances inherent in our system.

For instance, we, the city council, check and balance everything and ultimately make all the decisions.

That's how civic government is supposed to work.

And then they keened for several hours and we all gave up and got out of bed because none of us were getting any more sleep that night.

Joining the dissent, Tamika Flynn, local armed teen militia leader and the sole member of the city council who is not a single-bodied, multi-voiced, inhuman entity, expressed concern about government overreach.

She said, if the government ever tries to overreach me, I'll grab that arm they're reaching with and do a series of self-defense maneuvers to disable the overreaching government.

Sorry, she continued, that metaphor kind of got away from me.

What I'm saying is, while Dana is a good person and a friend of mine, expanding government power on the assumption that the government will always be run by well-meaning people is a dangerous gamble.

Dana herself did not alleviate these concerns as many people reported her acting strangely in public throughout town.

She burst into many local businesses demanding to know if they knew where she was.

They would tell her she was in their store and she would get angry and storm out.

She was also spotted standing across from City Hall, monitoring the front doors with binoculars.

Perhaps this is part of a social program we just don't understand yet.

Or perhaps she is annoyed at a big-mouthed friend of hers who is very, very sorry.

More on this story, as I'm sure it's going to develop.

And now, traffic.

A businesswoman sits in an airplane, mid-flight, staring out the window.

She pretends she is doing this because she is bored.

She is actually doing it because she is nervous.

The plane is shaking and she is looking out the window to see what is causing this, but of course she cannot see what is causing this.

Instead, what she sees is a miracle, unimagined in thousands of years of human science and theology.

What she sees is the top side of the clouds.

Here is a place that her species, since the start of it, have projected worlds onto, have looked up at and told stories, some based on what was observed, some based on what was felt, but all based on never being able to see the top side of the clouds.

And oh, there were those in the mountains who could see the top side of low-lying clouds, but that's not the same at all, is it?

Nothing like going to the top layer of clouds and breaking through until there is only space above and clouds below.

And here she is, nervously sipping a sprite and looking out the window and worrying about what will happen when she lands, which is that she'll lose her job.

Although she doesn't know that yet, because she's still in the air, looking down at the top side of the clouds.

This has been traffic.

And now a word from our sponsors:

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Worries continue to rise about the mayor's controversial initiatives.

The sheriff was especially put out by the planned shifting of the secret police to the purview of the mayor's office.

Over my dead body, said the sheriff, and I was told by a psychic once that I would never die, and we all know that lying is illegal, And so my dead body will never exist for anything to be over.

The point is, it's not happening.

There are, however, those who are in favor of the plan.

Like green market owner Tristan Cortez, who said, We all know, as citizens of Nightvale, that our government is a difficult beast.

Doing just about any activity requires tons of forms and waiting in lines and puts us at risk of being devoured by the beings who run City Hall.

As a taxpayer, I welcome a shake-up in our government.

Plus, I've been in the sheriff's secret prison since my daughter and I got caught committing robbery and fraud this fall, so really any change seems good to me.

Well, this is a complex issue, and...

Oh my god.

Oh no.

What is...

What?

Um...

Listeners.

I've just been handed a report.

It seems that a secret parking enforcement officer struck up a conversation with Dana as she sat across from City Hall, watching it through binoculars.

Dana had stared at the officer without replying, and when the officer took a step towards her in order to give her a friendly pat on the arm, she

was she

killed him?

I don't understand, but I am being asked to tell you that our mayor and my friend, Dana Cardinal, is wanted for murder.

Let me

let's just go to the weather.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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This story,

already concerning, has gotten both more confusing and more frightening.

I have received a recorded statement from our mayor, Dana Cardinal, and it's...

Well,

you should listen for yourself.

Once there came a sandstorm.

This was years ago.

So much of what we live through now was put into motion for us long before, but by the time the consequences come, we've set aside the inciting incident as ancient history.

Once there came a sandstorm, and with it came our doubles.

When my double came, she attacked me.

Or I attacked her.

I don't remember who acted first.

We struggled.

It was a brutal fight that could have ended badly for either of us.

But the result was that I murdered my double with a stapler.

It was as slow and gruesome as you imagine.

Or I think I murdered my double.

It's possible I am my double, and I murdered my original self.

If we both had the same memories leading up to that moment, how would I know which of us I was?

I am Dana, or or I am her double.

I will live forever with that doubt.

I believe in what I am trying to do with my position as mayor.

Why else would I have been given a job so onerous in its responsibility if I wasn't meant to use that responsibility for the greater good?

So that is what I am trying to do, Night Vale.

I am trying to work for the greater good.

But I know not everyone is with me.

I have felt followed for the last few days.

Threatened.

I thought that groups who were opposed to my vision for Night Vale were trying to physically stop me.

This has, as you know, happened before.

And now these false murder charges.

I have been framed, obviously.

I mean,

I know that I just admitted to killing someone years ago, but trust me that I didn't do this one.

It is set up to throw even more obstacles in the way of making the role of mayor one which actually does good for this town.

Or that is what I thought.

I no longer know what to think.

Because right now,

I am staring at myself.

There is another me.

She is in my living room.

Her hair is shorter than mine.

Her face is hard and furious.

And her hands,

they are covered in blood.

But she is me.

I have come for myself.

I am going to run now.

I am going to hide.

But this isn't over.

I will make Night Vale a better place if it kills me.

Or if I kill me.

I will keep in touch.

If you see me, don't approach.

It is me, but not me.

And I don't know what I am capable of.

Stay safe.

Well,

I certainly do remember the day of the sandstorm.

And the day of the doubles.

It was actually a pretty traumatic time, if I'm honest.

So I appreciate what Dana is going through, but murder is a serious charge, especially at a time when such controversial changes are going on over at the mayor's office.

For their part, the sheriff has said that Dana Cardinal is wanted for murder, and they don't care which Dana they get.

Any Dana, the sheriff said, waving their hand breezily.

If we see a Dana, we will arrest her, and Bob's your uncle, into jail she goes.

When questioned whether this had anything to do with Mayor Cardinal's current effort to take over the sheriff's secret police, the sheriff huffed a bit and said things like, well, I never, and then hung up without answering the question.

What does it mean if the doubles are back?

And what is going on with Dana Cardinal?

None of those questions answered now, because stay tuned next for Bubblegum Hour, the hour devoted to reviewing the chewing sounds of popular varieties of bubblegum, hosted by today's celebrity chewer, Mr.

Tom Hanks.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Mayor Cardinal was Josica Nicole.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Jacques Hughes by Mooka Patza.

Find out more at mukapatza.com.

That's two C's and two Z's.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Or try to learn the language of trees by slowing down your life to their speed.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and our merch that is always coming and going from our store.

New stuff all the time.

Today's proverb: hey, what's your sign?

Mine's a stop sign.

I stole it from an intersection and I hold it up every time someone tries to talk to me.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.