126 – A Door Ajar Part 3

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Always keep your eyes closed during a storm.

Otherwise, Otherwise, your soul will get all wet and mildewy.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I hate sounding like a news media alarmist, but a phantom ocean has completely destroyed Old Town.

I mean, destroyed.

Wave after wave of cold brine has entirely swept away the Old Town drawbridge, which is a shame because the city made considerable strides towards its completion in recent years.

Also missing a number of cars, pets, human beings, and the teetering stack of bathtubs that granted wishes.

A more complete list of the missing items has been posted at the newly reopened Pancake House.

Come on down to the pancake house, check if any of your loved ones have been affected by this horrible disaster and enjoy free hotcakes.

One free hotcake per missing loved one.

The surviving residents of Old Town have been placed with compulsory volunteer host families throughout the rest of town.

Many of the survivors from the recent shipwreck have finally been placed in their own permanent housing and are now hosting flood victims.

Having experienced recent displacement themselves, the Really Tall One, Dr.

Shouty, Old Wood Teeth, Rebecca, and the Captain are proving to be elegant hosts and have been reported to provide slipper socks, steamed hand towels, and all-natural calamari-flavored toothpaste to their guests.

This generosity has put many Knightvale residents, who initially complained about hosting the shipwreck survivors, to shame.

You know who you are, and so do we.

There's a list of those who should be ashamed of themselves posted at the newly reopened Pancake House.

Sometimes I get really tired of negative reporting.

As the most prominent voice in local current events, I feel like what I say and how I say it does make a difference in framing the attitudes of the people who listen.

That's a big responsibility.

So I've been thinking it's important to focus on the positive things too.

I'm going to try to do that more, starting now.

What I said before was an exaggeration.

Old Town isn't completely destroyed.

Oh yes, it's uninhabitable, and some people who live there are now non-living.

But there's a lot of beauty left there too.

I mean, one might look out over Old Town from the roof of the Earth Sciences building and appreciate the miles of pristine, shining water.

Water we desert dwellers never get to see.

All of the tragedy and destruction is almost totally invisible beneath the waves, so it's actually pretty easy to ignore.

Oh, and one architectural landmark does remain.

The controversial new traffic roundabout is glowing with blue light and can be seen just below the waterline.

and will be ready to use again soon.

Speaking of the roof of the Earth Sciences building, I should tell you guys what happened with Carlos the other night.

It went really well.

Mostly.

I mean he was very open about the fact that he's been hiding something from me, but he said it wasn't a big deal and he doesn't want to talk about it.

Now, I know I said all I wanted was for him to admit something was bothering him, and that him pretending nothing was wrong was really what was driving me crazy.

But it turns out that wasn't true.

Now I'm being driven crazy by not knowing what it is.

I mean, what if it's about me?

Even if it's not about me directly, the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable telling me has to be a problem with us, doesn't it?

We're supposed to share everything with each other, aren't we?

I couldn't let it go.

So I finally asked him to see a couple's counselor with me.

The really tall one, who until last week had been staying with my sister and her husband, got her counseling license last week.

So we're going to see her.

I even get a discount since she's become so close to my niece Janice.

We have our first phone session together scheduled for later today.

I'm really hoping we can get to the bottom of this so I can stop obsessing.

I mean,

and also so Carlos can let go of whatever is distracting him so much.

And then we can both get back to distracting each other.

The emotional complexities of sharing a life with another are all that's on my mind.

Also, the sudden ocean which destroyed Old Town.

Oh, breaking news on that.

All members of the Marine Biology Association have been reported missing.

Brandy Lance, Girl Scout's Splinter faction leader, reports that the GPS tracking devices she secretly adhered to the biologists' shoe heels have stopped transmitting, and no one has seen any of the biologists in over 24 hours.

Members of the tourism board have declined verbal comment, instead offering a giddy smile while waving a giant foam number one finger.

And with no biologists to throw a tantrum about menacing biohazards hidden in an unsecured locker, members of the tourism board have gone out to the storage unit in Radon Canyon to relocate their secret aquarium of semi-animate clear jelly collected from our new ocean to a more public venue.

Making our flooding situation even worse is the hard rain.

On the bright side, we don't normally get much rain around these parts.

The gentle percussion of water is so soothing.

It reminds me of my new sleep meditation track, Bloodstorm.

More on the weather in a moment, but first, an update from Radon Canyon.

I've received word that the blobs of semi-animate translucent jelly in the tourism board's aquarium have fused together to form one giant jelly cube that now completely fills the 12-foot by 12-foot storage unit from wall to to wall.

Horrifically unnerved by this discovery, agents from the tourism board who went to recover the aquarium have all left Radon Canyon and hired the really tall one for private therapy sessions.

Head of the tourism board, Madeline LaFleur, released a statement which only said, Well, crap.

LaFleur was last seen in full sprint toward the airport.

And now, a PSA.

Hello, friends.

This is Deb, a sentient and occasionally benevolent patch of haze, speaking for the Department of Motor Vehicles.

We've had some complaints about our eyeball donation program.

We want to emphasize we created this program with only the best intentions.

We're sure you understand that.

According to a survey, People in the donation program have been very satisfied they can retain some sort of consciousness after death.

However, they have been reportedly very unsatisfied with what their eyes continue to see.

This has ranged from non-consensual television viewing in the middle of a season they are not caught up with to the witnessing of crimes and subsequent ethical dilemma of testifying in court against their own host bodies.

We hear your concerns.

And you know what?

Fine.

The eyeball donation checkbox will be discontinued on all new DMV forms.

The DMV itself has also been discontinued.

If you need any services from the DMV, please go to another town.

Please don't call or come to the office.

If you see any DMV workers around town, please don't speak to them or acknowledge their presence.

It's obvious you don't like them.

It will only make this harder on all of us.

We think a little space would be good for us right now.

But we do want you to know we were only trying to do something nice.

We care deeply about our DMV customers and have only ever wanted the best for you.

We know that doesn't make it right.

But no matter what, just remember: the DMV loves you.

The DMV has always loved you.

That's the important thing.

If we could afford the rights to that Green Day song, we'd play it here.

Good knowing you.

Love the DMV.

I want to get back to the Carlos stuff, listeners.

I really need to talk this all out, but I keep getting breaking news updates.

We finally have word on the missing biologists.

That's good news.

We found them out in the scrublands.

The bad news is we were only able to find partially eaten pieces of them.

With the leadership of the Marine Biologist Association vacated, Brandy Lance declared herself and her Girl Scout Splinter Faction as the city's foremost experts in marine biology.

Lance surmises there is an aquatic creature of large tooth size and insatiable hunger living in this new ocean.

Lance speculated the biologists were engaged in a heroic attempt to study the marine biology abruptly available to them when events took a tragic turn.

The biologists' loved ones clarified that the biologists were actually fleeing town under the cover of night and got caught in the worst possible intersection of time and space, dying an agonized and terror-filled death in the exact manner that comprised their worst collective nightmare.

He died doing what he loved, a spouse of one of the deceased said, running away from his problems.

Oh, oh, look at the time.

That's Carlos and the really tall one calling in for our first counseling session.

Ooh, probably a good time for a weather report.

I ate the paste because I was hungry.

I cried and ran out of the room.

My mom and dad, they surely love me.

We don't always have a lot of food And all the other kids are assholes

Making fun of my hand-me-down jeans

Life would be a lot less hassle If I could just replace these pointless people with machines

The perfect ticking of a clockwork family

Everything happens right on time

The perfect rhythm of a life life that can be counted on to finally work out fine

so much more reliably than mine.

My Uncle Tim is now in prison

after seven years of being unemployed.

That would never happen to a robot.

They can only break and be repaired or be destroyed.

They don't pass out on the sofa,

buried in a pile of empty beers

the absolute perfection of a funcular affection in a shiny little box of spinning gear

perfect ticking of the clockwork family

everything happens right on time

perfect rhythm of a life that can be counted on to finally work out fine

so much more reliably than mine.

There is dirt in every corner

There is a sofa in the yard

When everything is out of order

Life is unpredictable and hard but there is peace out on the highway

and the soft hissing rush of the machines

quietly gliding and never quite colliding, only fractions of a second in between

perfect ticking of a clockwork family

everything happens right on time

Perfect rhythm of a life that can be counted on to finally work out fine

so much more reliably than mine.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Well, that was an interesting first counseling session.

Carlos apologized for being so quiet recently, and I said it was okay.

I was just worried about him, and the really tall one said we both sounded like we loved each other a lot.

And I said, well, yes, but that's not the point right now.

The point is, I want to know all of Carlos' secrets.

And Carlos said, Cecil, if it really means that much to you, I'll tell you.

The truth is, this isn't my first phantom ocean.

Before I ever came to Knightville, there was an incident.

It happened years ago.

It was a different situation, but similar enough that I got preoccupied thinking about it these last few weeks.

And sometimes I just need a little space to process things on my own first.

It doesn't mean I'm hiding anything from you.

I mean, I kind of am, but if it were truly serious or was directly about us, I would talk with you about it.

This is just a scientific and catastrophic phenomenon, not something to do with us.

That is verbatim, what Carlos said.

I wrote down every exact word like an experienced journalist carefully investigating a huge story.

And then I said, yes, okay, fine, but what happened?

What incident?

And

he said he still didn't really want to talk about it.

And I asked the really tall one, aren't there some sort of therapy exercises we could do to encourage Carlos to reveal every detail of his past to us immediately?

and she said

no.

And I said, maybe hypnosis or telekinesis.

I mean, she's new to the counseling profession and maybe isn't aware of all the tools available to her yet.

She said, we have to accept that Carlos doesn't want to talk about it right now and maybe doesn't want to talk about it ever.

She said, a person's secrets are their own to keep or disclose, and it isn't necessarily an indication of the degree of intimacy in a relationship.

And I said, oh, you really?

Tell that to my eighth grade self.

Immediately embarrassed, I doubled down and said, I've played truth or dare and revealed to my friends that I'm afraid of mirrors and that I have a crush on someone in the room.

That's cute, Carlos said.

Who was there?

And I said, I can't tell you.

And then I said, I can't remember, actually.

I don't even remember what year I was in the eighth grade, let alone how old I am or even what I look like, because of the whole mirror thing.

But I didn't want to tell Carlos all that.

It was too painful and complicated and not important.

And the really tall one, who could, I'm sure, hear all of my thoughts, smiled over the phone, which I thought was smug.

I'm still not sure how I feel about any of this.

I have a lot more to say here, but there's been some breaking news updates piling up on my desk.

Let's skim through the most interesting looking ones.

Yeah?

In order to protect us from the growing jelly cube and its apparent power to create random phantom oceans, the city council decided the key to the jelly-filled storage unit in Radong Canyon will be destroyed, fed to whatever aquatic beast ate the marine biologists.

A new budget line item was then approved to pay monthly rent on the unit indefinitely rather than, quote, ever open that door again.

This cost to the city will be covered by the new tax increases on rental cars, gasoline, and dreams where you realize you are naked in public.

A memorial service was held for the remaining body parts of the members of the Marine Biology Association.

It was a beautiful service, in which each body part was given recognition for its unique contribution to the whole of who each person was.

Inspired by this touching memorial, as well as the silent horror finally locked away in radon public storage, the tourism board has decided to abandon plans for the harbor waterfront expansion project.

Instead, it will shift its focus to renovating the recently destroyed Old Town.

Plans for new Old Town are already underway, with some blueprints taken from the Children's Redesign Old Town drawing contest hosted by the Girl Scouts Splinter Faction.

The captain is even slated to open a fusion restaurant there later this year.

Hmm.

I love non-specific fusion cuisine.

Members of the tourism board have acknowledged that a huge amount of money and effort will go into the renovations and that all of the work, time, and expanse may or may not be destroyed by a similar incident at any moment.

Ce la vie, they were heard to utter.

It's possible they actually said, sepa vediare,

a protection spell that makes all sand eels harbingers of good fortune.

Okay.

I only have a few moments of airtime left, and I just wanted to say, well,

you know how if you keep staring at that one spot in the ceiling, it starts to look like a face?

And the harder you look, the more it takes shape.

And when you can finally see it really clearly, the face never disappears and it's always there watching you?

Or like how OxyClean has those commercials where they can get blood out of everything from

jeans to gloves to loaves of bread.

But when you actually use the product, those stains just never go away, reminding you day after day of what you've done?

Or no, okay.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, Carlos,

if you're listening,

I'm sorry I freaked out and kept pressuring you to talk.

Taking space for yourself is not the same as pushing someone away.

And I guess I needed a little space too, to figure that out.

Whatever you need, I totally respect that.

I can even go hang out at the pancake house tonight if you want some alone time.

Okay, I just wanted to say that before.

Oh,

oh, Carlos just texted.

Come home now, and I will do the opposite of push you away.

Well,

maybe what I'm trying to say is,

I think I've been on the air too long.

I really should be getting home, like, right now.

Stay tuned next for Bubble Wrap being popped by rolling pins meant to simulate the explosion of fireworks.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale Presents.

This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwiner.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Clockwork Family by Dan Warren.

Find out more at soundcloud.com/slash Dan Warren.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or dig a hole so deep that you can no longer see the sky.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and our donation program that gets you bonus episodes and other cool surprises.

Today's proverb, pick a company and invest all your money in it.

The absolute worst that could happen is that you lose every cent and it would be terrifying and life-changing.

So give it a shot.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You'll kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid already.

alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.