114 - Council Member Flynn, Part 1

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At least their hearts in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container.

Welcome to Night Vale.

In light of a string of armed robberies across Snikevale, the city council today called a press conference.

They announced in unison that they are greatly disturbed by this crime wave because it means that they've had to put their vacation plans on hold.

They really want to find a nice autumn spot to spend a month or two, leaf peeping, maybe kayaking if the sun's out.

But no, now someone's running around town waving a gun and robbing stores.

Plus, they have this new city council member, 16-year-old Tamika Flynn, who they're trying to train.

And now, with all the robberies, the transition of their new member is going much more slowly.

Also, they added, crime waves require so much paperwork, and we're way behind.

You people.

And here the council pointed their many fingers at the gathered citizens and press.

You,

people.

Yesterday's robbery of the Ralphs only resulted in the theft of $72 and an end cap of Czech's party mix.

And while nobody was hurt, this was the 12th robbery in the past week.

Weekday shift manager at the Ralphs, Charlie Bear, described the robber as a slight person with a high voice wearing coveralls and a black leather mask.

The robber demanded whatever money Charlie could grab, so he emptied his bank bag of petty cash.

But when he went to unlock the register, which had several hundred dollars, the robber had already left.

City Council, waving their many limbs in frustration, asked for calm.

Everything's fine, they said unconvincingly.

It's fine, they repeated, but the agitated crowd continued to scream and clutch their chests.

Please, be chill.

It's going to be fine.

The city council roared with their many discordant voices from one body.

But for some reason, the crowd just wasn't feeling fine.

And now a look at sports.

The Knale High School wheelchair basketball team defeated the Sand Plains Snake Guarders 62-58 last night in the preseason state basketball tournament.

This weekend, they will take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors in the finals.

The Lizard Monitors were the division champions last year, going undefeated in the regular season.

But the Knale Scorpions are being led this year by sophomore point guard and my niece, Janice Palmer.

Janice led the division last year in assists, which is a statistic of some kind.

I asked my brother-in-law Steve Carlsberg, who is an offensive coach on his daughter's team, what an assist was, and he explained it at length.

But I forget exactly what he said.

It made sense at the time.

It's like a numerical measure of how helpful a person is.

And Janice led our division last year in helpfulness.

So here's hoping that continues.

Good luck, Scorpions.

Go get them, Janice.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today's show is brought to you by the new Green Market Co-op, which just opened up on Galloway Road between Patty's Hardware and Discount Pastries and one of those escape the room places where you wake up in a bathtub, chained to a pipe, and there's another person across the room also chained to a pipe and in the middle of the room is a dead body with a gun and a cassette player yeah i hear those are great fun green market co-op owner tristan cortez said he opened the new store to provide a safe space for all your produce optics and food content transactions too often the people who eat food don't know where they are or why they are and they cry They just sob in the middle of a store, afraid.

Well, the new Green Market co-op storefront on Galloway Road won't let that happen, Cortez said.

He said he will be there every day to hold your hand, to nuzzle your neck with his nose, to whisper to you, don't be afraid, as he hands you an eggplant.

Oh, a quick aside, listeners.

Did you know that people in Europe don't call them eggplants?

They call them aubergines.

They also call arugula rocket, oranges, dipdops, Boston lettuce, Dublin weeds, and plums swole grapes.

Anyway, Cortez said building the new store was his daughter Camilla's idea.

She's an undergraduate studying business, and according to Camilla's intensive research into the matter, she found having a physical location would be a huge boost in sales for a grocery store.

So come on down to the brand new Green Market Co-op.

You're not safe anywhere but here.

Only minutes after their initial press conference, the city council called another press conference.

There was no new news on the ongoing burglaries.

They just wanted to say that it used to be different, this town, this whole area.

Ah, you don't understand, they said.

We are centuries old, the city council said.

We were born in caves far beyond this desert, and we wandered until we found a place we could call home.

We swam rivers, navigated forests, even climbed mountains.

Yes, Nightvale, there are mountains, for we have not only seen them, but crested them.

And we ended up here in Nightvale.

We were many-voiced, but also many-bodied then, like all of you.

We wore crowns made of soft meat, and taught ourselves magical spells, and used mind control on birds.

The council continued.

We ran this town, and the people who settled here feared us.

They respected us, too.

Respected the blank out of us, like respect coming out the blank.

Blanking respectful as blank, you know?

The city council coughed slightly and asked for a can of Pomplamous LaCroix from one of their aides as they thumbed through their notes.

But one day, our magic failed us.

and our many bodies became one body, the council said, still in unison.

It was Deborah that messed up the spell.

I did not, came a single voice from the city council's body.

Did too, came a different single voice.

Your handwriting is garbage, Germaine, said the first voice.

Stop it, both of you, the council shouted in unison.

They continued.

And over the years, our legend, our mystique, has faded in the eyes of Nightvale.

We were seen as fallible, as weak, as protectors of an old guard.

And now as we witness this new face, this young Tamika Flynn, join our ranks, we are reminded that the world moves on.

The world is always growing older and younger at the same time.

The city council sighed.

I guess what we're trying to say is millennials are ruining everything with their civic involvement and their lack of magic and their disregard for wearing soft meats on their heads.

So entitled, this generic...

Just then, Tamika Flynn appeared at the side of the podium, and there was a long silence.

Awkward,

the city council sang.

Tamika stepped forward to say she completed the paperwork to increase temporary funding for police overtime, in light of the recent wave of robberies.

Rad!

Thanks, said the council.

Do the young people still say rad?

The council asked Tamika, who replied, I gotta get back to the mayor's office to ask about financial relief for robbery victims, and left.

Let's have a quick look at traffic.

Last week's storms flooded the old cemetery down in the lowlands in Old Town Nightvale, and several human remains were washed out of their burials into Route 32.

It wasn't like skeletons or anything.

I mean, there were a few skeletons and three or four really well-preserved bodies like skin and clothing and everything, but for the most part, it was just kind of a pulpy mud that blocked the road.

Transportation Department crews are still working on clearing the roadways, but it's super gross.

So the workers are vomiting a lot, which is causing motorists on Route 32 to vomit as well, which is really slowing things down.

So, avoid Route 32 and take 9A instead.

This has been Traffic.

Listeners, only minutes after their last press conference, which was minutes after the first press conference, the city council called another press conference, this time with Tamika Flynn.

They said,

We're still trying to teach this young one about how to counsel a city, so we brought her up here to shadow us.

She is a single-voiced, separately bodied entity, yet she still has not joined our form.

She walks and talks separate from us, and that is not how a city council should operate, they said in unison, attempting to stare down the teenage council member.

It goes against Robert's rules of order, Ms.

Flynn, the city council hissed condescendingly.

Anyway, they said, We're having a third press conference because there was another armed robbery just now at the Spiky Hammer coffee shop over near the science district.

The perpetrators stole the tip jar, which contained well over $17.

They also stole a French press, but like a really nice stainless steel insulated one, not that tempered glass garbage.

The crowd murmured their panic, and the city council shouted, it's fine, try calming down for once, geez, which had the opposite effect of calming.

Tamika then leaned over and and said quietly to the council, they were calm, listen, we can fix this, this is not a problem.

The city council said, You're a problem.

Amnot, Tamika quipped.

Yaha.

As of this report, the Amnot versus Yaha debate is continuing on the press podium at City Hall.

The gathered crowd of alarmed citizens has begun clawing at each other's faces and screaming things like, $17,

and, it could have been us!

and a glass French press.

What are we?

Monsters?

More on this story as we get updates.

But next, let's have a look at today's weather.

I like spaghetti

and long afternoons making sauce

And I like to keep my teeth clean but I never seem to floss

I like to sit around

and read it And sometimes write just for myself

I sometimes don't even bother to rhyme or follow structured meter

The meters all

fucked up

all

figured out here in a second

And I like to drink

a beer

every night

Just kidding, I like to drink a lot

And it's probably killing me

I sing my shaky, snaky songs.

I sometimes drumming to sing real loud.

I sometimes shout and try to feel like I am alive.

Now I am not a Catholic,

but I still like

to confess.

I once was a Catholic

and man, that shit don't rest.

Now I stand up when I pray.

I make them listen to what I say.

I make them listen to me say, Oh shit, what was I going to say?

Oh fuck, I totally blew it.

I like to take

myself out on long walks

I try not to think about all the stupid shit I've ever said and done in my life

I like to be someone that I'm not

And so I plan and a scheme and plot And almost every day I'd have to say

I'm frankly disappointed.

This is my song

for myself.

This is my song

for

myself

for the

of a little spaces

for the me that touched away.

This is the only

way I have found to let that timid creature free

love.

It's nice

to see you.

Love

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

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Well, the city council press conference is still going on, but it looks like the argument has resolved, and only Tamika Flynn remains at the podium.

She has stepped to the mic, paused dramatically and stoically, and then begun speaking.

Here is her speech.

People of Nightvale, have I not fought librarians?

Have I not flown helicopters and battled corporate overlords?

Have I not read all nine volumes of William Faulkner's epic anthology, Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

People of Nightvale, have have I not always been there for you, to serve you, to protect you?

Have I not proven that I can defeat a small-time armed robber?

You have nothing to fear, not just because I'm here, but because the City Council is here.

We are a complementary balance of incredible talents.

My talent is weapons skills, intolerance for wickedness, and a love of books.

The other council member's talents is enjoying long vacations during difficult times.

The rest of the city council and I have come to an agreement to make this town safe.

I will work closely with Sheriff Sam and the secret police and the mayor to make Knightvale more secure.

The other members of the council will take a month-long trip to Traverse City, Minchigain.

They told me they only recently learned that Milchdefund was a real U.S.

state and they could just travel there.

And they really wanted to go apple picking and eat cider donuts.

Autumn is the most beautiful time of year on the lake, they said.

We'll make you all proud with our vacation to Midisham, Nightvale.

And I agreed and sent them on their way.

We are a good and effective city council, Nightvale.

You are a good and cooperative citizenry.

Everything's fine.

It's fine.

Tamika repeated those last two words, each iteration softer and slower, and the crowd's murmuring and fidgeting grew softer and slower until there was silence and peace.

Then Sheriff Sam jumped up on the rostrum, leaned into Tamika, forgetting that the microphone was still on, and said, Councilwoman Flynn, a robber held up the new green market co-op and nicked all their cash.

The crowd gasped.

Sam continued, but it's much worse than that.

Whoever did this also burned the building down.

The crowd gulped.

Sam then said, Miss Flynn, we found the bodies of Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camilla inside.

The crowd wailed.

Sam added, I'm sorry, Miss Flynn, it's a bit loud here.

I'm having a rough go at hearing you what with all the screaming.

Can you speak up?

But Tamika stood still, silent, as the crowd ran in circles, pulling at each other's hair.

Tamika gathered herself and then stepped back to the microphone.

She cleared her throat and said, I know everything is no longer fine, but it will be.

I got you, Night Vale.

I got you.

The crowd stopped running and shrieking, although they continued tugging at each other's hair.

Tamika said, Our small-time criminal is now a real threat, a force of violence among us.

But I can stop them.

Do you want safety?

And the crowd chanted, yes.

Do you want security?

And the crowd chanted, absolutely.

Do you trust me?

And the crowd chanted, we certainly do, because we are scared.

Tamika then turned to the sheriff and said, Sam, do you agree?

Yes, anything, whatever you want, Sam said.

Give me your badge.

Sam paused.

Give me your badge.

Sam slowly reached across their lapel, unhooked their badge, and handed it to Tamika, who then pinned it to her shirt.

And your hat and jacket, Tamika said.

And Sam gave her their hat and jacket, and Tamika put them on.

Tamika said, Okay.

Curfew is now 8 p.m.

No one is out after 8 p.m.

And no one is out alone at any hour.

Sam, you're my deputy sheriff now.

No one goes in or out of town.

Arrest anyone who does.

Tamika then ordered all city buildings to be painted red to let this criminal know we will cover the whole town in their blood.

She said once more, everything's fine, it's fine.

It's 6 p.m.

already, so go get your dinner and go home before curfew.

And do not be out alone.

The secret police will stop anyone walking alone.

She concluded the press conference by saying, Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Tamika Flynn was Symphony Sanders.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.fancamp.com.

This episode's weather was Song for Myself by Bear with Eagle Arms.

Find out more at bearwitheaglearms.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or spend a lazy afternoon reading a good book.

Check out WelcomeTonightvale.com for more information on this show and our new fall season of shows, which you can hear a sneak preview of in just a few moments.

Today's proverb: The seven habits of highly effective people are 1.

Levitation,

2.

Translucence, 3.

Omnipresence.

4.

Country music.

5.

Lime zest.

6.

Suns for Eyes.

7.

Hiccups.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.