113 - Niecelet

Here's something I say a lot, but it's just the truth.

We couldn't make this show without our Patreon.

It is by far the biggest way we are able to pay everyone working on the show, from the writers to the actors, to Jessica, who does original artwork for every single episode, to Joella, who does all the back-end business stuff.

All of these people are able to pay their bills, and we are all able to put out the show because of our Patreon.

We try to give some cool rewards as a thank you.

Four bonus episodes a year that are not released on the main feed, ad-free versions of our episodes, monthly Zoom hangouts with the Nightfall Writers, director's notes on every episode, a brand new book club we are launching led by the Nightfall Writers, and even the chance for you to appear in future Nightfall episodes as a character.

So, all of that is there, but also just the knowledge that this thing exists in the world that otherwise wouldn't, and you are part of that.

So, consider heading to welcometonightvale.com and clicking on Patreon and becoming a patron or upgrading your existing membership.

We deeply, truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday season 2 official wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Good

evening, fine citizens.

I'm your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundown.

Welcome to Night Vale.

As you regular listeners already know, I took over the night shifts this week because I've been spending my days with a very special house guest.

Well, more like one and a half house guests.

My favorite cousin Sabina is visiting and she's seven months pregnant with what will be my second ever niece.

Well, my first ever niece once removed.

First ever niece once removed.

That takes too long.

Let's do niecelet.

My sister's daughter, Janice, is a teenager.

It's been so long since I've had a new baby in my family.

So if you hear a certain knowing avuncular quality in my voice, it's because you are listening to an expected uncle.

I'm already getting some of those leather patches sewed onto the elbows of my windbreaker.

All week, Sabina and I have been reading baby books, and I am a veritable expert at this point.

A baby at seven months is as big as an eggplant.

She can already get the hiccups and deja baby voo and has a fully developed sense of comedic timing.

I'm holding an eggplant with me here in the studio to practice supporting her neck.

Also to make sure I have something to eat when I get home.

Sabina's cleaned out the fridge pretty thoroughly.

Back at my place, Sabina's been keeping the radio on 24-7.

So the niece lit will know the owner of this dulcet baritone already loves her very much.

Hello, almost niece.

Doing all this reading together, it seems crazy to learn just how vulnerable we are when we first enter the world.

Did you know that a newborn doesn't even have kneecaps yet?

That it has a hole in the top of its skull, which must be taped shut so the newborn does not escape through it during the night.

It's amazing any of us survive to these shaming ceremonies at all.

Speaking of rites of passage, the annual Night Vale Science Fair is scheduled for this this Monday night.

Every fourth grader is expected to report to the Rec Center for a fun-filled evening of free programs and live demonstrations.

Organizers say the kiddos will have a chance to make a one-to-one scale volcano that spews real ash and molten igneous rock.

They'll learn how a pile of pennies can be transformed into a battery simply by taking those pennies to Walgreens and exchanging them for a pack of Duracell AAs.

They'll learn about centripetal force by pouring a bucket full of water and then filling out a worksheet on centripetal force.

They'll plant a bean sprout in a styrofoam cup that won't disintegrate until their grandchildren have set off on exploratory missions to find another planet that can support bean sprouts.

Hmm, what else might be on the community calendar for this week, you ask?

Well, let me work at my own pace over here, okay, pal?

Like all jobs worth doing, this one takes focus and patience.

You can't just rush through it.

As my optometrist says, measure twice, cut once, then do the left eye.

So I guess that's really measure four times total and then cut two times, but I had an astigmatism, so I ended up just sticking with context anyway.

So

let's see here.

This week's events.

On Tuesday night, head over to the band shell to hear a set from Auroboros, the rock band that only plays covers of their own songs.

Wednesday, Ablution in Fresca to celebrate the start of the Andorran New Year.

Thursday is Thirsty Thursday.

Consume no liquids.

You're going to get real thirsty.

Friday has been indefinitely delayed by weather at O'Hare and is now pleading with a United representative for a hotel voucher to avoid sleeping in a plastic chair in Concourse Z.

Early morning on Saturday, we are in for a rare astronomical treat.

The Earth will fully eclipse the sun, blotting out its light completely, so that only a ring of wispy blue remains visible against the blackness.

Now, this eclipse will not be observable on Earth, of course, and to our knowledge, there is no planet on which this phenomenon could be observed.

There's just nothing on that particular vector in space.

But at 4.13 a.m.

on Saturday morning, the total eclipse will occur, and that blue corona will shine softly in the dark, like a delicate smoke ring.

And that dim blue halo will represent the entirety of us.

Our dramas.

dreams and disappointments.

The first ride without the training wheels.

Our eighth grade dances, our double windsors and our veils, our sleepless nights in waiting rooms, our rush-hour commutes, our dozing through recitals till the one we love goes on, our crying in the car as the one we love leaves home.

Just that thin filament of blue on which we wage our peace.

Then on Sunday, tacos and gun safety with three-eyed Bill at First Methodist.

Stay tuned, savvy listeners, for in a moment I'll be sharing Nightvale's third quarter economic development report.

To my knowledge, we've never had an economic development report before, for any quarter, but the press release looked official, and we all know that new municipal arms of government form all the time.

arms that then pull back to be reabsorbed by the governmental shoulder from which they sprouted.

But before crunching those numbers, a quick message from today's today's sponsor.

Equinox Gym.

At Equinox, we focus on the whole body, particularly the soft and vulnerable parts of that body.

Stop by our windowless complex today to meet with a dietician about this month's promotion, the Zema Cleanse.

Or for even faster results, nothing torches calories like our calorie torch.

Also, new members this week to Equinox receive 60 days free access to our popular Judgment Spa.

This has been a word from our sponsor.

Now to business news.

Whoa,

did that sound unusually powerful to you?

Ooh, I sort of took myself by surprise there, like I grew a suit or something.

The Nightvale Economic Development Board, or NevacDevB for short and cumbersome, sent a press release at the closing bell of the Nightvale Stock Exchange.

The bulletin said that futures are down, way down, although the recent past is trading briskly.

In response to declining levels of interest, NevVecDevB plans to incentivize consumer spending.

At the start of tomorrow's business day, they'll launch an agitprop campaign of xenophobia, branded as nationalism, branded as civic pride, branded as a 2008 F-150 Ford truck with satellite radio, air-conditioned seats, and a heavy-duty hitch to haul away whatever it is you're trying to hide.

So make plans this weekend to head out towards the used car lot with your hands in the air and your checkbook in your mouth to meet with a salesperson about financing options.

You might be surprised by how few years of indentured servitude can get you behind the wheel of a Ford truck.

You know what cars make me think of?

Well,

Carlos.

I guess, but everything makes me think of Carlos.

And his name is an anagram of low cars.

He's out of town at Erlenmeyer FlaskCon this week, and I miss him something fierce.

But what I was going to say is that the thought of buying a car reminds me of my niecelet.

It's extraordinary to think that she'll be a teenager someday.

Getting her driver's permit, then her license, then her crossbow, going through all of these phases we all pass through.

It's like there's a future attached to her already.

Inside Sabina, there's a baby, and seated inside the baby, there's the toddler, and within her are the blueprints for the girl.

And soon she'll be out here learning to play the sitar and considering vegetarianism, then voting and buying lottery tickets.

Well, those are the same thing, really.

And I'll get to bear witness to this blooming life.

Someday, she might even decide to have a niece of her own.

Oh, okay.

Um, something is in young Cecil's eye over here.

Hang tight, team.

I'm just gonna run out and grab a box of tissues from the supply closet to remove this bothersome.

Okay, um, listeners, um, I must admit, I'm in a state of concerned agitation here.

When I tried to open the door of the studio, the handle came off in my hand, and when I went to reinsert it, I found that the hole was tamped full of soft, hot tar, which cannot be up to code.

So now I find myself in a small,

soundproof, airtight room with a doorless handle in my left hand and a handle-less door before me.

I'm uh

huh.

I'm uncertain of just how to proceed.

I can't imagine there's more than a few hours' worth of oxygen in here, even if the studio's potted fern works double duty on converting the carbon dioxide.

Oh man, and of course, I left my phone and my jeans in the other room, you know, after I changed into my professional radio hosting Unitard.

I...

Okay, I need some time to assess the situation.

I'll leave you to the weather.

Did you pray the name?

Have you said the names?

Did you question your own purpose?

Those we lost will come back to us, their faces filled with gold,

their tongues out like cloth,

their true words gone.

Time to remove the mask.

Aren't you an animal?

Don't you remember how to eat?

Don't you see them out there

staring in the windows?

Taking down our names

Before we line up in courtyards and march into the woods

Kick over their tables

and throw their papers to the windows.

If we live,

we live by

chewing through our leg

and fleeing from the trap.

Only

with new eyes

will we

slip through the lines

if we live?

We live inspired.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

She's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of Firestone tires.

Go to tirerack.com to see their Firestone test results, tire ratings, and reviews.

And be sure to check out all the special offers.

TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, calm down, calm down, Cecil.

Calm down, and you can beat this.

Be like the patient viper who does not strike until his prey is upon him.

Be like the praying mantis whose head is a guitar pick.

Keep your heart rate low and your focus steady.

And good God, sit down, man.

Save your strength.

Breathe deep enough to get the air inside your brain and think

what would an uncle do?

Oh,

okay.

I've got it.

Easy.

I just need one of you to come and open the door.

Okay, here I am behaving like I'm alone, but of course I'm not alone.

Oh, I've got all of Night Vale listening.

Whew, that is a relief.

Come to think of it, I imagine hundreds of you may be on your way already, and I can't have the whole town rushing over all at once.

That would cause traffic jams, hysteria, straight-line winds gusting up to 60 knots.

If you are on your way, just shoot a quick flare into the sky so that everybody knows you're the one on the way.

More importantly, so that I know you're on the way.

You guys, it's like 8 p.m.

You're not all in your PJs yet.

Just need one person to make the trip.

It's like an eight-minute drive from your apartment.

Come on!

Is

no one listening?

I mean, the memo from management at the last all-staff meeting did mention low late-night ratings, but this is not low.

This is talking into a tin can on a string whose other end is tied to a fire hydrant at the bottom of the sea.

This is utter futility.

This is falling in the woods and no one's there to hear you.

This is not seeing the Cecil for the trees.

This is Kafka meets Beckett and tells him to talk to the hand.

This is stop.

Full stop.

Cecil.

This indignation does me no good at all.

Just burns through my oxygen supply, which is running low already.

This rate will never survive until the morning commuters tune in.

Just

think.

Cecil.

Think like an uncle.

That's it.

There is at least one person listening.

Babies never sleep through the night, right?

So you, Nieslit,

you should be able to hear me.

Though I imagine the sound of my voice may be muffled by the blankets on the guest bed and Sabina's abdominal muscles.

Alright, Nieslit, I need you.

You've got to find a way to wake up Sabina.

I need you to kick.

Brace your little elbows on the soft wall behind you and really kick.

Aim for a spot under the ribs, that roof of bone above you.

And again.

Kick.

Good.

Again.

Kick.

Good.

Again.

Now give it everything you've got this time.

Sabina, wake up.

This is an emergency.

Wake up.

Oh, the station phone is ringing.

God, I forgot we even have these.

Uh, call her, you're on the air.

Hey, Cecil, the baby was keeping me up, and I turned on the station and.

Sabina!

Oh, thank God you're awake.

No, no, it's not a shtick.

Listen, I am trapped in the studio, and I just need someone to open the door from the outside.

Okay, I'll be right there.

But I'm starving.

I may stop by Subway for a mashed potato and Nutella sandwich.

Please come now.

We've got snacks in the break room pantry, I think.

I'll set you up with some gorb and gavelta fish.

All right.

Hey, did you know that there's a faceless old woman living in your home?

She keeps trying to put lotion on my belly while I'm sleeping.

Yeah, she does that.

Listen, my spare office keys are by the lucky cat.

See you soon.

And thank you, Sabina.

Hey, enough with the lotion, lady.

And thank you.

Nieslet.

At negative two months old, you've already saved a life.

And somehow I get the feeling mine might be just the first of many.

If you need bailing out of a tight spot someday, you know who to call.

I'm the baritone you can count on anytime, kid.

Day or night shift.

Ah, man.

I can't wait for that door to open so I can get a lung full of fresh air.

Oh, it's funny how small a room can feel when you're not allowed to leave.

Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a second.

Well, as soon as you're out here breathing air yourself, I'm getting you a pair of cleats and a pair of baby shin guards and a baby cape, too.

I can't wait to meet you, little hero of a niecelet.

But first, I'm making your mother some midnight eggplant parmesan.

Stay tuned next for the sounds of a door opening, a rush of oxygen-rich air, and a wheezing celebration of an overworked respiratory system.

Any second now.

Any second.

Any

second.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Nightfale Presents.

This episode was written by Dessa with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightfale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Sabina was Dessa.

Original music by Disparition.

This episode's weather was If We Live, also by Disparition.

All of that can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Comments, Questions?

Email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio or find a local Confederate monument and just tear that sucker down.

Check out Welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and our upcoming live tours in Europe, the US, New Zealand, and Australia.

Today's proverb: Follow your heart.

You need it.

Where did it ever learn to walk?

Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, light inclusive packages are at all protected.

Starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify.

They have the tools you need to start and grow your business.

From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need.

There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them.

With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into

sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com/slash special offer.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.