104 - The Hierarchy of Angels

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official wocast is already here.

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Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

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The Wednesday season 2 official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

I know you are, but what am I?

What am I?

What am I?

What

am I?

Welcome to Night Vale.

I should start today with something happy.

In his speech yesterday honoring the life of old woman Josie, Larry Leroy out on the edge of town and Josie's closest neighbor told a story about his pickup breaking down a few years ago.

Josie had stopped on the roadside to help him push the old Chevy the mile or so to his house.

In the last few hundred feet, the truck picked up momentum on the sloped road and it rolled out of their control into a large cactus.

They heard a surprised yelp and saw Telly the barber, wide-eyed and sweating, holding a pair of shears.

Josie and Larry laughed and laughed.

Even the surprised Telly laughed.

Larry then asked Telly why he was cutting that cactus's hair.

Telly gulped and ran away, still laughing and sweating profusely.

Larry told the gathered mourners that he didn't have many friends in town, but old woman Josie was always kind to him.

Always a smile, always happy to help.

Always good for a giggle when she caught Telly giving cacti haircuts.

The services were beautiful.

You know that.

You were all there.

We were all there.

I know I said gathered mourners, but in a way

we were gathered celebrants, extolling the great life of a great woman.

Now gone.

Today is the scattering of her ashes and the city is working to fulfill Josie's wishes.

They are joined in this endeavor by several beings claiming to be angels.

And the city is trying to ignore the angels' requests to help because it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels.

So

we'll see how this goes.

The dozens of five-headed dragons who came to our world after the botched yet partially successful execution of fellow dragon Hiram McDaniels are still in town.

Hiram's sister, Hadassah, had promised vengeance for the wrongful murder of Hiram's violet head.

But, after several weeks of setting fire to local businesses and devouring a few of the more muscular human citizens, the dragons have gone mostly silent.

Their aggressions now limited to some blatant jaywalking and loitering.

There has been one report of an unidentified five-headed dragon hurling a crumpled fresca can basketball style at a trash bin, missing the trash bin wildly, and then picking the soda can up and gently tossing it into the bin, only to have it clumsily fall out and back onto the ground.

Onlookers were shocked to see that the dragon did not even attempt a third putback, and the can is still lying on the ground this very moment.

The can

is still on the ground.

Mayor Cardinal has called on the sheriff for a stricter enforcement of minor offenses so they do not escalate into more sinister crimes.

Plus, she added, if we do not clean litter from our curbs, the street cleaners might show up, and we simply cannot afford the loss of innocent lives that would cause.

More on this as it develops.

Josie's daughter, Alondra Ortiz, who came to town last year to be with her ailing mother until Josie passed away, is now sorting through Josie's estate and documents.

Alondra said she found no will in Josie's files, only a piece of paper that said, it all belongs to the angels.

But Alondra noted the handwriting was written shakily in thick magic marker, and every word but it and the was misspelled.

She believes the beings who claim to be angels wrote this, not her mother.

The angels responded, na uh and then nervously wiped their brows with clearly ink stained hands.

Alondra hired an estate lawyer to help sort out liquidation of her mother's assets.

Alondra said she just wants to be done with all this and go back home.

When asked where home was, Alondra responded, I don't remember.

Why can't I remember?

That's not important.

I mean, it's super important, but not to this discussion.

Oh God, what is wrong with me?

With this town?

A single-engine plane then flew across the horizon behind her, trailing a banner that read, Oh,

I found some teeth.

Listeners, some of you have asked about our intern Karim.

He's been at the station for so long, about 16 months, much longer than any other intern in recent memory.

Well, I'm sorry to report, he is no longer with us.

He was a good intern, and he will be missed.

Kareem changed majors from communications to earth sciences and no longer needs this radio internship.

He is taking classes with Professor Simone Brigadeau at Nightvale Community College.

Simone is not actually employed by NVCC and in one of Karim's last journalistic endeavors here at the station, he even found a copy of her death certificate dated 1983.

Although she does not show any signs of being a ghost.

But apparently, her knowledge of earth sciences intrigued Karim enough that he wanted to change career trajectories.

Karim told me on his last day, which was today, like five minutes before I started my broadcast is when I found out about this.

He told me Simone knows what happened to Nightvale, why Karim's family doesn't know him anymore, and why he can't find Mitchelgan or whatever his home state is on a map.

I'm just happy Karim is pursuing his dreams, even if he's going to lose all those journalism credits, and today's filing will have to be done by an overworked radio host before he gets to go home to his husband.

Gonna be a long path to that degree, Karim.

I'm sure you'll do great.

Listeners, I'd like to caution you away from driving near downtown.

Road crews have shut down all streets in all directions.

as a construction team is building a series of elaborate roller coasters and amusement park rides, many of which do dives and loops around, under, and through the surrounding buildings and even roads.

It's complete gridlock all over downtown, with cars unable to drive into or out of the jam.

On the plus side, there's a pretty cool looking Aquaman ride that does a double twisting loop through a large pool of water that is elevated more than 50 feet off the ground.

Mayor Cardinal is on the scene arguing with the construction team about their lack of development permits.

The construction crew, who are all tall, glowing beings with wings, showed the mayor a piece of paper that said, This is all totally fine.

Josie said we can build this.

Okay?

Signed, City.

Written in a magic marker and nearly every word misspelled.

Alondra Ortiz's lawyer, Emilio Tavarez, filed an injunction to halt the work, saying that the funds used toward the construction of these roller coasters were part of Josie's estate and were being misappropriated by the so-called angels.

There is no documentation showing Josie wished her money to be spent this way, Tavarez explained.

The construction team then mumbled, dummy says what?

And Tavarez said, what?

And they all laughed, including the mayor, who then added, yeah, but yeah, seriously, you need building permits, even if you are fulfilling the elaborate wishes of the deceased.

We'll have more on this soon, but first, a quick break.

Hi, this is Cecil.

Leave a message.

Hello, Cecil?

It's Steve.

Okay, I'm not sure if you're there or not.

Last few times I called, you said to leave a message at the tone, and then halfway into my message, you interrupted me and said, Ha ha, Steve.

You fell for it again.

So I'm just making sure you're actually there this time.

I have something I wanted to tell you so you could report it on your show.

Are you there, Cecil?

I don't want to fall for your trick again.

Okay.

Well,

I was getting some coffee over at the Spiky Hammer and I held the door for this woman I didn't recognize.

She just stared at me.

Didn't say thank you or anything.

I mean, I don't hold doors for approval.

It's just a nice thing to do.

But she efforted to not thank me, you know?

And then, when I stood in line, she stood right next to me, her face just inches from mine, staring at me.

I tried not to look.

It's not nice to stare.

She didn't say anything for the longest time, but right as I placed my order, a large gravlax macchiato with quad-shot and whipped cream, she started whispering loudly in my ear.

I couldn't understand what she was saying, and it made it difficult to talk to the barista.

And then, when I turned to ask her, politely, if she wanted me to get her something, she was gone.

I wish I could remember what the woman said.

Oh, gosh.

It was something like...

A woman from Italy has come back to town.

Nothing can stop her from tearing it down.

She lives for your screams, makes meals of your tears.

She revels in chaos and deals in your fears.

We all huddle and hide from the pain yet to come.

Huddle hidden with loved ones.

Perhaps she'll spare some.

She brings the torture, the trouble, the stress.

So, can you order for her a devil espresso?

Well, I don't remember what she said.

If I think of it, I'll call you back.

Anyway, sorry I missed you, Cecil.

I'm here, Steve.

You totally fell for it.

Oh.

Oh,

you got me.

Basic stuff, Steve.

Sure is.

Wow, you got me good.

Oh, I tease you because I love you, Steve.

Oh, Cecil.

I love you too, big brother.

Just kidding.

I'm not here.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Hello?

Cecil, I'm not sure what just happened.

I guess I'll try again later.

Sorry for the interruption.

It looks like I got a voicemail.

Oh, it's from Steve Carlsberg.

Well, never mind.

There's breaking news right now.

Stay far away from downtown, listeners.

The traffic jam caused by the halted construction project is in great danger.

The cars are honking noisily.

People are abandoning their vehicles, but the sheriff is asking everyone to seek immediate shelter.

Several dragons are converging on the scene.

The dragons have everyone in the congested area completely surrounded.

They are walking, no, stomping toward the helpless citizens trapped in traffic.

Night Vale, do not go out on the roads.

The dragons have us exactly where they want us.

Oh, what a disastrous trap.

Be safe.

And as I try to find out more on what's happening in downtown, please hear this important weather report.

Am I qualified, qualified?

Am I qualified, qualified?

Am I qualified, qualified?

I'm staring into his eyes, and he's the most beautiful person I've ever met.

Then my burdens arrive, they're chilling my vibe.

Burning inside like a cigarette.

Figured that he will not want to be intimate.

I tell him sometimes I'm not into men.

He says that's okay.

You're wonderful like a bouquet.

And then we climb into bed.

We hug him, we kiss a lot.

And it hits the spot.

I tell him I love him.

He tells me he loves me.

I tell him to get in my tummy.

I'm yelling, I'm coming.

But it's more than the sex.

He claims that I'm great, that I'm really amazing.

But a couple more days in, I don't know, will he still say the same thing?

Am I qualified, qualified?

Hellified, no, but I'm terrified, no.

Well, I'm covering my soul.

And I run inside, then I wanna hide.

Wonder what did I do?

Am I qualified?

Check my qualifiers like I'm open, Mike.

But I'm hella tired.

In terms of my music, things seem to be going okay, but I'm not really sure.

Like, what if I lose it?

How will I know what I'm making is not some manure?

I lock myself in, peeking under the doors.

Yes, I will admit that it's tough to endure.

The feeling I might hit a ceiling, revealing that it won't be long to the cracks start appearing.

I'm filling the holes like the backs of an errand till slowly it grows.

And the gaps are apparent.

My fans will stage a big coup d'état.

They're chanting, they're yelling, oh, you a flock.

Then they chew me out like I'm food for thought.

I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Am I qualified, qualified?

Am I qualified, qualified?

Yellow,

but I'm terrified you.

Well, I'm covering my soul.

And I'll run inside.

and I wanna hide for no one that I know

Am I qualified, qualified

Am I qualified, qualified

you Will I'm cover my soul And I'll run inside Then I wanna hide when the one that I know

Why but I guess what if the answer is yes Then if they're impressed then why but I stressed Cause questioning keeps me depressed Reaching the deepening mess Cause weak is the flesh But flesh is what's here though My soul's an invisible hero When I need something real in my ear holes Cause my positive feelings are zero And I feel like I'm 300 years old Got a weird cold and a fearfully Speaking different dimensions, I'm bigger than what I get feared though If the beer's cold, then I'm drinking it cause it lets me hold When I'm thinking that different people have been giving the pics for the keyholes We'll be knowing that shit is ridiculous, dang

Am I qualified, qualified

Am I qualified, qualified?

Hell if I know

But I'm terrified you will uncover my soul

And I'll run inside and I wanna hide Wonder what did I do?

Am I qualified, qualified

Am I qualified, qualified?

Hellified, no,

but I'm terrified you will uncover my soul

And I'll run inside then I wanna hide Wonder what did I do?

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now?

Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Bundle and safe with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band, and

from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability.

Flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

Here is the secret hierarchy of angels.

Deceased humans can become angels, but few humans do.

Angels are immortal beings, but not all of them are former human souls.

Some are animals, some plants, some outdated electronics.

They are all named Erika.

with a K.

All angels are equal to all other angels.

They share all memories and all physical sensations.

They experience everything simultaneously.

Their minds are overwhelmed with enlightenment and pain.

They have no centralized leadership, but they do have committees.

Lots of committees.

These committees do not have titles nor objectives.

The committees simply emerge as needed.

Angels are wealthy, but do not understand currency.

They will will often ask to borrow 10 bucks.

Angels have no bodies, only visual projections of winged, barely humanoid forms.

These forms are dreamed up by those who see and acknowledge them, and may vary based on the viewer.

The secret hierarchy of angels is an ethereal mass of feelings and thoughts made manifest.

by necessity.

They are only individual beings because we imagine them so, but they are collectively beings.

It is illegal to speak of or acknowledge in any way the secret hierarchy of angels.

But

I

will acknowledge it

here

on the radio.

I am an objective journalist.

Which does not mean I have no morals or opinions, just that I can be self-aware of my biases and emotions, yet still report a story transparently to you.

You may not agree with my point of view, but I will do my best to give you the information you need to decide that on your own.

In the case of the angels, I acknowledge them.

I see them.

And because Josie always said such, I too believe that they are real beings and are entitled to Josie's estate.

So does five-headed dragon Miriam Edelman.

She's a lawyer, and the Angels hired her to represent their case for management of Josie's will.

Oh, the dragons did not do any harm to those in traffic today.

They were simply the legal team coming to help facilitate Josie's final wish, which was to build a nightvale sculpture garden, complete with the usual roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls, and an enormous Ferris wheel.

Josie wanted to have her ashes scattered underneath Giacomo Manzu's famous sculpture, Top Thrill Dragster, which is a 400-foot drop and reaches over 120 miles per hour.

Edelman and her legal team managed to push through the sculpture garden construction, which is now complete, and Josie's ashes have finally been honored in the way she wanted.

Alondra ceded this ground because she understood how important this town was to Josie.

But she added, My mother's home, her belongings, her money, her legacy, these are all I have of my family.

I have no siblings, no cousins, and no parents.

I am the only Ortiz left.

I do not know or understand Night Vale, Alandra said.

I do not believe in angels, nor dragons for that matter.

I just want what is left of my mother's memory, and then I want to go home.

wherever that is.

The city has declined to hear further arguments about estate ownership from Edelman or her angel clients, as the dragons are not licensed to practice law anywhere on this earth, and their clients, the angels, don't legally exist.

The secret hierarchy of angels is a cloud of knowledge formed from the collected experiences of the deceased.

Josie might be among them now, or she might not.

All I know is that Josie loved Night Vale and we loved her.

I am going to go to the sculpture garden today to pay my respects.

Carlos and I will hold hands and lay flowers at the ash-strewn base of Manzu's towering masterpiece of contemporary sculpture.

And then we will purchase a souvenir photo of ourselves screaming in joy and sorrow.

while engaged in a 120 mile per hour free fall, demonstrating our fervent arts advocacy exactly as Josie would have wanted.

I hope all of you will join me in honoring not only the life of Josefina Ortiz,

but the lives of the angels who loved her too.

Stay tuned next for hosts Josh and Chuck and their wildly popular show, Stuff You Shouldn't Know, which as usual will be an unbroken redaction beep for 30 straight minutes.

No one has ever heard Josh or Chuck speak.

And as always, good night, Nightvale.

Josie was beautiful, and angels are real.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was qualified by Samus.

Find out more at samusmusic.bandcamp.com.

That's S-A-M-M-U-S.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Or just try to get a hold of your life for a second.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and to pre-order our new Welcome to Night Vale novel.

Oh my god, we wrote another novel.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

It's the future that liberals want.

Today's proverb, a million dollars isn't a sandwich.

You know what's a sandwich?

A taco.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.