100 - Toast

Speaker 1 Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 1 We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July.

Speaker 1 You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 1 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026. You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Speaker 1 Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

Speaker 1 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

Speaker 1 These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

Speaker 1 So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 1 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live. And hey,

Speaker 1 see you soon.

Speaker 5 Once upon a mundane morning, Barbs Day got busy without warning.

Speaker 7 A realtor in need of an open house sign, no, 50 of them and designed before nine.

Speaker 2 My head hurts.

Speaker 8 Any mighty tools to help with this punt?

Speaker 5 Aha! Barb made her move. She opened Canva and got in the groove.

Speaker 9 Both creating Canva sheets. Create 50 signs fit for suburban streets.

Speaker 3 Done in a click, all complete. Sweet.

Speaker 7 Now, imagine what your dreams can become when you put imagination to work at canva.com.

Speaker 3 I know many of you have a few things you'd like to say, so let me start things off.

Speaker 10 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 4 Hi, folks.

Speaker 11 Leonard Burton here, host of Nightvale Community Radio.

Speaker 2 Or I was once.

Speaker 4 I'm not anymore.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 11 I appeared suddenly at this microphone holding a champagne flute, so I suppose I must be giving a toast.

Speaker 11 Congratulations!

Speaker 3 En voyage.

Speaker 11 I'm excited about the new baby, the brand new career,

Speaker 11 the graduation, your hundredth birthday, whatever is being celebrated.

Speaker 11 Whatever time is being marked.

Speaker 12 Well done!

Speaker 12 You've done it!

Speaker 12 Or are about to.

Speaker 11 What is this party anyway?

Speaker 12 Cecil, is that you?

Speaker 11 Why, you don't look a day older than

Speaker 11 when you first started working for me.

Speaker 13 You know what's delicious?

Speaker 14 Mice.

Speaker 14 I found out recently I'm allergic, though, so if you've been noticing more mice in your house, it's because I get a rash whenever I eat them. Sorry.

Speaker 14 Everyone's staring at me now. Oh, and Teddy Williams just fainted.
Acting like he's never seen an old woman without a face holding a glass of Merlot on a microphone.

Speaker 14 Whom do you think refolds all of your dollar bills into origami origami spiders and staples them to your ceiling while you sleep, Teddy?

Speaker 1 Whom?

Speaker 14 This is good wine.

Speaker 16 What?

Speaker 17 Don't look shocked.

Speaker 14 Can't an old woman without a face take a drink of wine without public judgment? Just because I don't have a mouth. Oh, I've spilled it all down my dress.

Speaker 14 Never mind, that's just blood.

Speaker 14 What was I saying? Sorry about the mice infestations everywhere. Maybe if it's such a bother for you, you could eat them yourselves.
Like I said, they're delicious.

Speaker 15 Not super flavorful.

Speaker 14 It's more about the texture, I guess.

Speaker 14 Anyway, your future will be filled with love and joy. I can say that much.

Speaker 14 I don't mean it, but I can say it.

Speaker 18 Wow, that's really good.

Speaker 19 Cheers.

Speaker 20 I,

Speaker 22 uh, I'm Diane Creighton. I'm very sorry to cut this short.
I have to go. Josh has a dance recital tonight.
He grew several extra legs just for this recital. He would be so disappointed.
This is great.

Speaker 22 It's great. I'm sorry, Josh is getting impatient.
I know because he always grows horns when he's impatient.

Speaker 23 Cheers, everyone.

Speaker 4 Hi, folks. I'm John Peters.
You know, the farmer?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 24 yes, John, we always know.

Speaker 4 You're a farmer.

Speaker 24 We get it.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay, Sheriff. I'm happy to be here.
Happy to be anywhere. As a farmer, I have to think a lot about statistics.
For instance, statistically, the world is unlikely to have happened.

Speaker 4 And so, as a pragmatic fellow, I have to assume that it didn't. And that what I'm experiencing is a manifestation of my own denial about the ghastly nothing that surrounds me.

Speaker 4 To sum up, congratulations. Great party I'm imagining here.

Speaker 25 Hi, I'm Deb, a sentient patch of haze, and I'm here to give a toast on behalf of Ritz Crackers.

Speaker 25 You know how you humans have hands because you're mentally weak and unable to lift objects with your mind?

Speaker 25 And you know how you might accidentally jam your hand against something, and a finger might bend painfully back, back so far that the bone snaps? A gunshot within your own body?

Speaker 26 Pain.

Speaker 25 Unbelievable pain. But before the agony, first comes the simple, clean snap.

Speaker 26 Separation.

Speaker 2 Pop.

Speaker 25 Ritz crackers.

Speaker 18 When you think Ritz, think about breaking your finger.

Speaker 25 Also, congratulations. This seems like a pitifully mortal affair.

Speaker 10 Hello, Night Vale. If you are seeing this, then there must be some sort of party going on that I am not at.

Speaker 10 I prepared this video from present in case there might be a future party that I can't get to. Or that I wasn't invited to.
Because I don't think anyone truly likes it.

Speaker 27 Enough self-pity!

Speaker 27 We find meaning within ourselves without waiting for meaning to be assigned to us.

Speaker 6 And if anyone doesn't like it, we burn them alive!

Speaker 4 Right, right.

Speaker 10 And also, congratulations to whoever this party we're not at is for.

Speaker 10 Whatever reason you're having a party, good job on that. I'm glad it happened.

Speaker 24 I can't state an emotional response to an event that is still unknown to me, but there is a high probability that I would be happy about this party.

Speaker 24 Yes, except if you're hearing this, then I am not at the party, which means there is a higher probability that I am not happy about it.

Speaker 10 Okay, great.

Speaker 10 Violet, anything you want to add?

Speaker 6 I don't trust recorded communication. You never know what the government will do with it.
I'll just say congratulations the next time I see everyone.

Speaker 10 Okay, then. Cheers, y'all.

Speaker 28 Happiness is pretty popular, I guess. Everyone's always trying to be happy, so I don't really want to be happy.
But I am, and it's fine, I guess.

Speaker 28 Once I ironically went to a Katy Perry concert, but ended up having a great time, especially the finale where she peeled off all her skin and proclaimed that beauty is right here.

Speaker 28 And then she pulled out her own heart and swatted it like a beach ball ball toward her backup dancers. But then I found out James Blake used to do the same thing at his shows, so...

Speaker 28 Anyway, what I'm trying to say is

Speaker 28 this is nice.

Speaker 28 Or whatever.

Speaker 21 You're nice.

Speaker 28 Good job attempting to be happy. Yeah, I agree with Michelle.
I tried to be happy once when I was 13, just to prove a point.

Speaker 28 I only made it a couple of weeks and I gave up when I found out that other people were copying me. I'm happy now.
Happy I'm here. Also, I'm not mad anymore.
No one asked Maureen.

Speaker 18 Geez.

Speaker 28 That's not true though. I asked.

Speaker 26 I asked myself, Maureen, are you still angry?

Speaker 28 And then I answered that question out loud just now.

Speaker 28 Anyway, we're cool, okay? Ugh, did you just say cool? No.

Speaker 26 Hello.

Speaker 29 I am Maggie Pennebaker and this is my husband, Donald Pennebaker. If you'd like a joke at the start of this toast, press one.

Speaker 29 That's just some telephone menu humor. Now, most of you have probably spoken to us at some point or another when you've called any of your local services and gone through our telephone tree.

Speaker 29 But today isn't about us, it's about a celebration of love.

Speaker 29 Here's to you. Here's to love.
Here's to our town in which love happens.

Speaker 3 All of your electric bills are due immediately.

Speaker 29 Failure to pay might result in a meteor strike.

Speaker 12 Have a great party, everyone.

Speaker 12 Hi,

Speaker 30 all you beautiful, happy people.

Speaker 11 Unfortunately, I couldn't be there because I was told that if I try to enter Night Vale, you will all attack me.

Speaker 31 And while that is very welcoming, I'm just too busy in desert bluffs too.

Speaker 31 But I'm sending this tape to congratulate you. Congratulations!

Speaker 31 Oh, for those that don't know me, I'm Kevin.

Speaker 28 And I'm Lauren.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes.

Speaker 31 Lauren Mallard is here too.

Speaker 2 Remember her?

Speaker 28 Well, most of you might remember me as your boss when Strexcorp owned your little town.

Speaker 28 I've spent the last couple of years dry-lipped and starving and wandering an endless looping desert otherworld before stumbling here on this town that is just like the town I once lived in.

Speaker 31 And we are tickled to have you here, Lauren. Especially once I explain to you that I'm in charge now.

Speaker 31 Not Strex Corp.

Speaker 18 I'm in charge

Speaker 18 and happy to do it.

Speaker 28 Yes, yes, it took some

Speaker 2 explaining.

Speaker 13 But I do understand that now.

Speaker 18 Well, we won't take up any more of your time.

Speaker 31 I know that your hearts must be bursting with joy right now.

Speaker 28 And nothing makes us happier than bursting hearts.

Speaker 2 Boom! No, there you go.

Speaker 31 We just wanted to send you this video of us smiling.

Speaker 28 Yes, Night Vale, watch us smile.

Speaker 25 What are they doing? I've never seen a living thing do that.

Speaker 4 Turn that off. Turn that tape recorder off right.

Speaker 32 Hi, Melanie Pennington here. I don't know who any of you are, but it seems like a good time to say, um,

Speaker 25 yay!

Speaker 32 You seem so happy.

Speaker 18 So that's good, I think.

Speaker 32 People can be happy for nefarious reasons, I suppose, so I should temper my comfort a bit.

Speaker 32 Anyway, while sitting through whatever strange ceremony we just sat through, I fixed some of the bugs in one of my first programming projects.

Speaker 2 See?

Speaker 33 Welcome to human joy. I am computer.
I brought you a gift.

Speaker 32 The computer is printing out a picture of a gift-wrapped box.

Speaker 33 Thanks, Computer. You are welcome, Melanie.

Speaker 23 I just want to add that I'm so happy for this day and so very proud of you both. It's been a real honor to help cater this event.

Speaker 3 I hope you like the cake.

Speaker 23 I made it from scratch using farm fresh cream, eggs, red snapper, and ground cumin.

Speaker 32 Thank you, person next to me. I don't remember your name.

Speaker 23 It's Earl Harlan.

Speaker 23 Melanie, we came to this together. We've been friends for years.

Speaker 33 Computer simulates happiness for humanity.

Speaker 32 Okay, shutting you down now.

Speaker 34 Hi, I'm sure most of you know me.

Speaker 34 No, Basima, you're the best. Unless you mean it unarmed combat, then I'm the best.
Given the occasion, I thought it might be nice to read a passage from one of my favorite books.

Speaker 34 This is Sonnet 43 from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet from the Portuguese. How do I love thee?

Speaker 34 Let me count the ways.

Speaker 34 I love thee when thou bringest coffee in bed or suggest that we go to brunch instead.

Speaker 34 I eat French toast, but take bites of thine eggs, like,

Speaker 34 oh dude, I love thee with so much grace and praise and poise and style and pizzazz,

Speaker 34 each day's most quiet need and all that jazz. Love thee just as much as I love the cave, that cave in our yard from which voices sound, demanding all our smiles, tears, and breath.

Speaker 34 When the voices speak, time goes all unwound.

Speaker 34 Merciful cave, we grovel, offer flesh. We will enter the cave, crawl underground.
I shall but love thee better after death.

Speaker 34 A famous love poem, but for good reason. May you never forget that at the heart of any strong relationship, there is a cave.
A cave you will both someday crawl into and never be heard from again.

Speaker 2 Cheers. Cheers.

Speaker 13 It is such a big day. As mayor, I declare that today is a big day.

Speaker 13 I always knew today would come. Just look at any calendar and you can see every single day that will come.
They're all laid out right there.

Speaker 13 For a long time, I thought I wouldn't get to see today in person, but here I am. Our time and our place matching here within the simple geometry of a monthly planner.

Speaker 13 The city council sends their regards as well. Before I left, they glowered and glowed, and I could hear a soft growl.

Speaker 13 Not the growl of madness or of being mad, it was the kind of growl you hear from rainwater drains along the curbs late at night.

Speaker 2 A sweet, caring growl.

Speaker 13 Also, our director of emergency press conferences, Pamela, came too. She wanted to wish you the best.

Speaker 19 Yes, thank you, Mayor Cardinal.

Speaker 25 People of Nightvale, people below Nightvale, and all of the people prepositionally existing somewhere.

Speaker 19 I I am here to tell you that the planets are all wrong.

Speaker 19 I have spent weeks staring into the sky and I can tell you the planets are all wrong. Misaligned, sure, but more than that, they are so small.

Speaker 19 Planets should not be that small.

Speaker 19 Thank you for listening. Be safe, Night Vale.

Speaker 13 What Pamela means is congratulations.

Speaker 19 I refuse to congratulate anything that is not the right size.

Speaker 3 Oh, sorry, everyone. I'm being told we need to move this inside because of,

Speaker 3 well, you know, the weather.

Speaker 2 It may not be too long, and it may all come out wrong, But I wrote you a second song eventually

Speaker 35 It may go out of tune and it may end all too soon But I wrote you a second song eventually, eventually

Speaker 35 Still kids when we met, we're not kids anymore

Speaker 35 We've set sail for time's distant shore

Speaker 35 I'm not afraid of aging, not with you by my side

Speaker 18 Life ain't long but it is wide

Speaker 18 So it may have a couple faults But I wrote you this little waltz Yes, I wrote you a second song eventually

Speaker 35 And it still could fall apart But at least it had a start

Speaker 35 Cause I wrote you a second song eventually

Speaker 17 Eventually

Speaker 18 travel so much that nowhere feels like home except the home that we've made in our bones.

Speaker 2 And you know that I know that we know the way.

Speaker 18 Go hand in hand into each day

Speaker 18 from our bed without lifting our heads

Speaker 2 La da da da da da da da

Speaker 2 Mountains and stars, drifting snow, no cars

Speaker 2 La da da da da da da da

Speaker 2 La da da da da da da da

Speaker 35 I don't know what is next,

Speaker 35 but I know what is now

Speaker 35 Taking all joy life allows

Speaker 2 Took six years to write this, but just say the word Tomorrow I'll write you a third

Speaker 18 It may come out all wrong and it may not be too long But I wrote you a second song eventually

Speaker 35 It may go out of tune and it's gonna end really soon But I wrote you a second song eventually, eventually.

Speaker 35 I don't have song enough to say. You've changed my life in every way.

Speaker 35 But I wrote you a second song eventually,

Speaker 17 eventually.

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Speaker 3 yeah sure whatever i have nearly infinite powers so it's pretty basic helping you to a mic no need to brag

Speaker 21 okay

Speaker 21 well

Speaker 21 cecil i remember when you finally grew old enough to join the bowling team who's this kid think he is we all thought and you have to be honest with yourself you weren't that good at the time

Speaker 21 but you were friendly and entertaining to talk to. Sometimes it's more important to have delightful people around you than it is to succeed at some arbitrary goal you've given yourself.

Speaker 21 That's one of the many things I've learned on my way from Little Josie Ortiz to Old Woman Josie.

Speaker 21 And speaking of delightful people, Carlos,

Speaker 21 you might not have noticed, but we're suspicious of newcomers around here. We tend to point and shout, Interloper! But you understood that people are just silly about change.

Speaker 21 And the older we get, the sillier about change we get. Carlos, you are a delightful person.

Speaker 21 I don't know how much longer I have. I guess none of us do, except those of us who peaked at our death date in the Hall of Public Records.
But I lived long enough to see you two on this day.

Speaker 21 I surrounded myself with delightful people. You can't hope for a better life than that.

Speaker 21 Erica, help me down from here. They're tired of listening to an old woman talk.
They all want to eat cake.

Speaker 27 Erica!

Speaker 4 Yeah, okay, I'm coming. Whatever.

Speaker 30 I'm gonna get emotional, but I'll try to hold it together. You know, Cecil and I first met at one of these things.

Speaker 30 Seems like we should have met earlier than that. I had dated his sister for a while.

Speaker 2 But Cecil is busy.

Speaker 30 He serves his community. He really gives himself to his community.

Speaker 30 Who do you live for, you know?

Speaker 30 Who do you give yourself to? Those are questions we should all be asking ourselves. There are many questions we should all be asking ourselves.
Question everything, I guess, would be my main advice.

Speaker 30 Oh, the sheriff is making throat-cutting gestures to me, indicating I should stop talking about that. And also to threaten that they'll cut my throat if I keep going.
Sorry, Sam!

Speaker 6 And Carlos.

Speaker 30 Unlike most of us, you don't tell yourself a story of what you want the world to be. You wait for the world to tell you what it is.
And then you take it as it reveals itself to you.

Speaker 30 What a rare and precious gift.

Speaker 30 When I met you, I could tell you saw me for me, not for any stories you had been told about me.

Speaker 30 I love you, Carlos.

Speaker 30 And I love you, Cecil. We don't always see it eye to eye, but more and more, we have stood shoulder to shoulder, members of the same family.

Speaker 2 I'm getting teary-eyed.

Speaker 2 I said I would.

Speaker 30 To Cecil and Carlos, I'm proud to be able to call you family.

Speaker 20 I said once that a home is just a grouping of objects connected by a shared personal experience of time,

Speaker 20 which was just a fancy way of really just asking you to move in with me, and

Speaker 12 it worked.

Speaker 20 But I wasn't wrong, and I know now that a relationship is just a grouping of moments connected by that same shared personal experience of time.

Speaker 20 What it means to make a life together is to take the experience of two different lives and choose to interpret them as a single shared narrative.

Speaker 20 So, in other words, changing the story about you, or the story about me, into a story about us.

Speaker 20 Do you remember before the throat surgery when I sounded like this?

Speaker 1 Science is neat.

Speaker 20 Well, science is neat, and I still believe that. But I know now that a lot of things are neat.

Speaker 20 Having a quiet breakfast with another person is neat.

Speaker 20 Calling someone over to experience a particularly noisy sunset is neat. This town is neat.
Night Vale is neat.

Speaker 20 Love is neat.

Speaker 20 Love is very neat, actually.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 20 you are neat.

Speaker 20 That first night when we sat on the trunk of my car and looked at the lights above the Arby's, when we got up to leave, I looked at you and I tried to think of how to say everything I was feeling, but I've never really been good at describing feelings.

Speaker 20 I'm only good at describing facts and love, love isn't a fact. You know, love, it's a hunch at first, and then later it's a series of decisions, a lifetime of decisions.
That's love.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 20 I didn't know how to express that. And so I just said, I'm glad I decided to call you.

Speaker 20 And now,

Speaker 20 tonight, I say I'm glad again for this decision and all the decisions that will come every day after.

Speaker 20 Which is to say,

Speaker 20 scientifically speaking, of course, speaking from the point of view of mere facts and logic and, you know,

Speaker 20 what with this science and all,

Speaker 20 I just thought that it was time for us to make a life together.

Speaker 3 I guess it's my turn now.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 3 it's funny, I make my living speaking to you all, and now I'm up here, and I don't quite know what to say.

Speaker 3 In the last few years, we have experienced truly terrifying things and wonderful things.

Speaker 3 We have lost our town and regained our town. We have met new people.

Speaker 2 We have met incredible new people.

Speaker 3 I don't have to tell you that Carlos has perfect hair and teeth like a military cemetery. You have eyes, most of you.
Sorry, faceless old woman.

Speaker 3 I don't need to tell you that his voice is oaky or that his enthusiasm about science is inspiring and also deeply erotic.

Speaker 3 So instead, I will tell you this.

Speaker 3 It hasn't always been an easy few years,

Speaker 2 but through it all, just

Speaker 3 knowing that Carlos was there, that no matter what else happened, we would come back to each other, holding hands like two kids flirting on a first date, that's what kept me believing in this town.

Speaker 3 My love for Nightvale and my love for Carlos

Speaker 3 are the same love.

Speaker 3 It is the love of someone who has given their life completely to something beyond themselves.

Speaker 3 I once described Nightvale as a friendly desert community. where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
And it still is.

Speaker 3 I know, nowhere friendlier. I know nowhere hotter.

Speaker 3 The moon is still beautiful. Mysterious lights still pass overhead.
And Carlos,

Speaker 3 I can't wait for every night I get to pretend to sleep next to you.

Speaker 1 Um, whew!

Speaker 3 That's it for the party. Thanks to everyone who came and all the kind things you said.

Speaker 3 Stay tuned next for a drunk, newly married couple long after the well-wishers have left, piling up bags of garbage and stacking chairs in a rented banquet hall because they want to get their deposit back.

Speaker 16 Good night.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes, thanks, Lacey.

Speaker 3 And good night, Night Vale, and every person who can hear my voice.

Speaker 3 Good

Speaker 3 night.

Speaker 25 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

Speaker 25 The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 25 The voices you heard today were James Urbaniak, Mara Wilson, Annie Savage, Mark Gagliarti, Emma Franklin, Meg Bashwiner, who also has been saying these credits to you for 100 episodes or so. It's me,

Speaker 25 Jackson Public, Kate Jones, Maureen Johnson, Erica Livingston, Christopher Lohr, Kevin R. Free,

Speaker 25 Lauren Sharp, Felicia Day, Molly Quinn, Fred, the OS computer voice, Will Wheaton, Symphony Sanders, Allie Chan, Josica Nicole, Desiree Birch, Mark Evan Jackson, Reta, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marin, Jeffrey Craner, and Flore Delees Perez.

Speaker 15 Original music by Dispirition.

Speaker 25 All of it can be found at disparition.info. Gret disparition.bandcamp.com.
This episode's weather was Second Song by Joseph Fink.

Speaker 25 You can download it and his weather songs from the first year of Night Vale at josephfink.bandcamp.com.

Speaker 25 Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or come up with as many dog names as possible.

Speaker 25 Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as to see what's new with us and check in. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

Speaker 25 Let's make another 100 episodes. Today's proverb, it's always darkest before the dawn.
We are often reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works.

Speaker 1 Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Speaker 1 Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Speaker 1 Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 6 Boo.