99 - Michigan

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Here comes the sun.

Here comes the sun.

Here comes the sun.

It does not stop.

Welcome to Night Vale.

To start today's show, I wanted to talk a bit about our indomitable radio intern, Kareem.

He's become such a talented reporter here at the station.

Kareem told me this morning that he had written to his family back in his home state of

Michigan to tell them about all the recent events he's reported on, like the five-headed dragons and the strangers led by that horrible beagle, and the reopening of the laser tag center at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

They must be really proud of you, Kareem, and all the great work you do.

The fantastic stories you've gotten to cover here at your internship.

Thank you for your good work.

And now an update.

Many of you have written in with your concerns over old woman Josie.

Well, good news, listeners.

After suffering a broken hip and a series of infections that kept her bedridden most of that time, she is feeling much better.

She still needs a cane and occasionally a wheelchair to alleviate bodily exhaustion, but she is out and about.

I got to see her last Tuesday at the Desert Flower for bowling league night.

She hasn't been able to bowl in nearly a year, but she has not lost any of her skills.

She came with her many friends named Erika, who claimed to be

angels.

She bowled a perfect score, cane and all.

Her delivery did seem a bit weaker than usual, and her friends often stood right behind her as she rolled the ball.

The Erikas would hum and close their many eyes and lift their many arms slowly into the air and Josie's ball would straighten out, pick up speed, and demolish all ten pins.

The opposing team complained she was cheating, receiving help from angels, but that team was promptly arrested for acknowledging the angels' existence and had to forfeit.

Josie, being a good sport, protested their arrest and said the Erikas were indeed angels and that we should all be free to acknowledge them.

No one wanted to arrest a debilitated old woman, so they left it alone.

alone.

I'm so glad my friend is feeling better.

She looks quite a bit older than I remember, but I'm just happy she's back at the bowling alley.

Oh,

okay.

Karim is telling me I apparently didn't tell his whole story earlier.

I thought we were just talking about what a good job he did, but I guess there's more.

Okay then.

Kareem says after he wrote his family, he did not receive back a letter of pride and congratulations.

He got a letter that said lies

in all capital letters and several exclamation marks.

It continued, you are a liar.

You are a liar and we don't understand why you are doing this to us.

Please do not write us again.

You are an imposter.

It is then signed, Aisha.

Kareem tells me that this is indeed his mother's handwriting and that is her name.

I told him that parents don't always communicate their love exactly how we would like.

Radio is not a lucrative business.

Maybe she is just expressing motherly concerns about his career choice and well-being.

He says she's always been so loving and supportive, so my explanation makes no sense.

Part of an internship is learning to receive feedback, Kareem.

Well, thanks for the whole story.

And now an update on the dragons.

After last month's accidental murder of one of Hiram McDaniels' five heads, Hadassah McDaniels, Hiram's sister, her lawyer Miriam, and several other dragons from whatever world they came from have taken up, hopefully temporary, residence in Nightvale, claiming they will not leave until they get retribution, by which, I'm hoping, they just meant a heartfelt apology.

No one has seen or heard from Hiram since the tragedy.

Hadassah dug a cave beneath the rouse where all of the dragons are now living.

Weekday shift manager Charlie Bear said the heat of the dragons' cumulative breath even underground has ruined their produce section.

Most of the greens have wilted.

The whole store smells like onions now, he said.

Bear added, to be fair, the dragons have been coming up to shop for groceries, so I don't want to complain about new business, but they don't like our selection of meats meats and have been eating a few of our regular customers.

And we can't have that.

Or, I guess we can, he said, as long as they pay for whatever food they take, which they've been good about, so.

And then he rattled the loose change in both pockets and lit a cigarette with just his mind.

And now.

Oh, God.

Okay, I thought I was just going to do a quick spotlight on a good intern to start the show, but Kareem is nudging me again, listeners.

Apparently, I left some details out of his story.

Not everything needs to be a 100% accurate account of your personal history, Kareem.

This is a radio show, not Patrick Rothvuss' best-selling memoir, The Name of the Wind.

Your demand for details makes me look bad.

Listeners, Kareem's really focused on correcting every little fact which makes him a good reporter, but also kind of a snitch.

So,

to start, it seems I've been mispronouncing Kareem's home state of Michigan.

How do you say it, Kareem?

Michigan.

Right, that's what I'm saying.

Michigan.

Michigan.

Michigan.

Michigan.

Michigan.

Michigan.

Okay, I'm sorry, Kareem.

I just can't hear the nuances of your regional accent.

The point is, listeners, Kareem said that he had sent a second letter home to his family, asking if everything was okay and if they were happy with his career and how he is living his life.

He just wanted to make them proud.

He received another letter back in his mother's handwriting.

The letter read My son Karim is in my home.

I am looking at him right now.

He is tall.

He has long black hair and green eyes.

He is a beautiful and honest and hard working boy.

He has a birthmark on his right hand, shaped like a salamander.

This is not you.

You are not this person.

The letter continued.

Kareem is in college studying broadcast journalism.

He is not you.

I do not know you.

Who are you?

Why are you pretending to be my son?

We cannot find any record of a town called Nightvale anywhere.

Please stop writing me, whoever you are.

And then it is signed, Aisha.

Kareem, you are tall.

With long black hair and green eyes, you have a birthmark on your right hand.

It's shaped more like a lizard, though, so maybe you have the wrong house?

Who knows?

Just one of those things, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for the story, Kareem.

And now an update on our schools.

The enormous Glow Cloud, All Hail, which serves as president of the Nightvale School Board, called for an increase in education funding to support the influx of new students.

After the annexation of neighboring town Desert Bluffs, as well as as the new five-headed dragon kids that arrived with the five-headed dragon delegation, Nightvale schools desperately need more teachers and classrooms, not to mention additional fireproofing.

The Glow Cloud, all praise the Mighty Cloud, delivered this message via press release scrawled in thick paint across several dead animals which it dropped from its great translucent body above town.

It took reporters several hours to place each of the animals in the correct order to make sense of the press release, but they think they got it.

Mayor Dana Cardinal and Sheriff Sam sent out their own press releases, claiming a lack of available funding for the schools.

The mayor said she will look into it but does not want to raise taxes.

The sheriff simply growled and fired a pistol into a target dummy shaped like a dragon.

The city council, Minus' newest newest member, Tamika Flynn, shrieked and then left on a beach vacation, saying they needed an increase in sunlight and tropical drinks, and that, so what if sometimes they don't call?

It doesn't mean that they aren't into a relationship, just that sometimes they're busy.

Here at the radio studio, our broken-hearted station management cried quietly in their office.

Which was a truly off-putting and strange sound.

The Glow Cloud, we are not worthy to rub our faces in the mud before its beneficent presence, O maker and unmaker of all things,

indicated that it would continue to bring up this issue at school board meetings.

More on this story as it develops.

Oh God, Kareem, really?

Okay, Karim is now telling me that he called his parents to talk to them about the letters they sent to him, but a familiar voice answered the phone.

It was not his father, Rahim, nor his brother, Amir.

It was him.

Karim answered his own phone call.

Karim tried to explain who he was to himself, but the other Karim said that it couldn't be true, that there was only one him,

and he was it.

Karim asked to speak with his mother, but Karim said, I don't know your mother, I only know my mother,

and hung up.

Karim said he wanted to go home to see his family.

I told him he might be confused by it, but to take a close look at a map of the United States.

He did, and was dismayed to find there was no Minchigan.

Minchigan, Minchigan.

I think that's it, right?

He said his home state should be right between Ohio and Canada.

and that it's shaped like a mitten.

I said he's thinking of Maine, which looks like a mitten that's been wadded up and you're looking at it from like a side angle.

He said the US map looks correct when he stares at the whole thing, but when he looks closely at where Michigan should be,

it's not there.

He's now pacing in the cubicle area, pulling at his hair, sweating.

I'm worried about him.

He's never quite behaved like this before.

I'm going to tell him to go home, visit his family, take some time off work.

While I do that, here is today's weather.

I can't help it.

If all the world is in done,

all the life is gone.

Why are you calling out this name?

Where are the Americans?

Your dim conscience,

your hands and eyes that wander, stumbling down the road

or collapsing on parade.

We're lying alone in the eastern light, sleeping in the morning hours.

The only only sign

from the lantern-covered hills, the only light.

From the day I can begin, the only sign.

All the guns into the world, the only sound.

The only light,

only only light.

Disconnected lies,

pull out the lightning ghost

at the mention of his name.

Whether the Americans take the memories out,

hide the evidence under,

piss on the world below.

Like a dog that nods his nose.

Where are the Americans all coming on the run tonight?

Filling the remaining hours, the only sign

of the bells up on the hill, the only light.

All the lanterns in the burn, the only sign.

Screws the rust off the rails, the only sound.

sound

The only line

Only

The only

light

here today and to the girl The only sign

All the lights of the world, the other side

It's the rush of the world, the only light

Not the only light

on the only sky

Only on the line

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks winks and tells you Kraken Rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Summer is turning to fall, which, frankly, rude of summer to do.

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It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask.

And every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

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Karim is back already.

Said he spent the last two weeks at home.

I told him he'd only been gone about five minutes, you know, long enough to report the weather.

but he pointed to the calendar and I'll be darned, he's right.

It's been two weeks.

Huh.

That weather report took way longer than I thought.

Karim said he took a flight to Grand Rapids, but when he landed, he was back in Nightvale.

He tried several flights, even to some of the cities of Detroit and Chicago, neither of which I've ever heard of, hoping to just catch a bus or something something from there, but all flights landed back at the Nightvale airport.

Now Karim's a good intern, but not very knowledgeable of how air travel works.

The whole point is the joy of flying, not the destination.

No one likes going places.

They just like the comfort of flying.

Airlines send you in the air for a few hours and serve you good food while you relax.

Then they take you home.

The airport having failed him, Karim got in his car and drove to Minchigan.

He kept getting lost and ending back up where he started, but after days of trying, he finally arrived.

He found his family was there, joyfully surprised to see him.

He told them about the letters he sent and the ones he received.

He was crying.

They said they hadn't heard from him in ages and were starting to get worried.

They didn't receive or write any letters.

He asked if he was already there.

Was I home this whole time?

He asked his mother.

She just hugged him and said, you're here now.

He asked Amir, was I here?

Did you see me here while I was gone?

Amir said, you'll always be here, Karim.

He asked his father, are dragons real?

Are there other worlds?

Is Satan a beagle puppy?

His father laughed and said, you were always the funny one.

They embraced.

Karim stayed for a few days.

They had dinners together and watched movies.

Karim tried to talk about his time in Night Vale, but found he was not able to remember any of it.

He eventually could not even remember the name of this town he'd been living in for two years.

And after a while, he forgot that he had ever been anywhere else at all.

He had forgotten Night Vale and its people in his mind, but not in his body.

He could feel he was supposed to be someplace else.

He didn't want to be anywhere else, but it didn't feel like it was his decision.

He fought this feeling for days.

Finally, one day, his father asked if he wanted to go see a University of Michigan football game.

Rahim said they're a talented team this year.

It's been nearly 20 years since they won a title.

Karim said he thought they won a championship two years ago with someone named Sandero at quarterback.

His father said that wasn't possible.

The team was terrible two years ago.

Karim had some errands to run, so he told his family he would meet them at the game.

He got in his car, fully intending to see them in less than an hour, but instead he drove and drove, not knowing to where.

And after several days with no map or destination, he arrived back in Nightvale and he remembered his life here

again.

He called his mother when he got home to tell her he was safe, but she only screamed into the phone saying, no, no, you're here.

I'm looking right at you, Kareem.

You're here in my home.

You're right here in my home.

How are you calling me?

I love our internship program.

Karim has become an excellent reporter and editor.

Maybe one day he will replace me here at the station.

Who knows?

But beyond professional development, I want our interns to learn the bigger lessons of life and love and family and death.

Karim hasn't thought much about aging, I'm sure, but as we get older, as we leave home,

we form for ourselves an independent identity, no longer impressed upon by families.

We take the last shape they crafted, a partially chiseled stone sculpture, and we are left to try to finish the work ourselves.

Hopefully, they have provided good good tools.

Hopefully, the world teaches us how to better use them.

And for the rest of our lives, we are gently hammering away at the curves and crevices of the great masterpieces that are our lives.

Sometimes, as we work,

we become less recognizable to the families who first shaped us.

They critique the craftsmanship, the artistic direction, they worry too much has been cut away or that, quote, those arms just don't look proportional.

In some cases, they no longer recognize us for the adults we are.

Family expectations are high,

but underneath it all

is love

and worry

and a knowledge that you will do right

for yourself.

Your family may not trust that knowledge, but they know they have to try.

Kareem is back at his desk, staring at a map of the U.S., but

he doesn't look fearful or worried anymore.

He looks like a young man, a grown man, but still a young man, with a purpose.

He is a journalist, doing a journalist's job to seek truths, to understand the world.

I'm proud of him.

Proud of of you, Kareem.

He's giving a thumbs up.

Okay, let's talk about your editing, though.

That weather report was like way too long.

Like, five minutes max, okay?

Stay tuned next.

For the slow, low sounds of enormous plates shifting deep below us.

Listeners, I'll be taking off work in a couple weeks to...

well,

just to take some time off.

But we'll be in touch again in the new year.

As always, good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Quiet Americans by Shearwater.

Find out more at shearwatermusic.com.

That's S-H-E-A-R watermusic.com.

Comments, questions, email us at at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or just touch a tree.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as last-minute holiday gifts to buy while panicking.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

We are in a new world now.

Let's keep making art.

Today's proverb.

A four-star hotel will put mints on your pillow, whereas a five-star hotel will put candy bars in your butt.

Bundle and safe with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat, and also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.