82 - Skating Rink

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Speaker 2 enjoy this episode of a podcast.

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Speaker 12 If you're happy and you know it, then the chemtrails are finally working.

Speaker 4 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 17 Today is the grand opening of the newest feature at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

Speaker 3 A skating rink!

Speaker 4 Ah!

Speaker 18 Owner Teddy Williams said he has loved roller skating ever since he was a child and it's been a dream of his to build a skating rink in Nightvale.

Speaker 16 Williams said skate rentals are half off during this opening week and there will be music by local DJs every Friday night. Williams also clarified that there is absolutely no way there is any

Speaker 16 underground city living below the rink.

Speaker 3 I double-checked, triple-checked, Williams said.

Speaker 16 There's no way a portal to another civilization could be under there because I built the skating rink on top of the old pet cemetery.

Speaker 28 No confrontational nation will come from the ground and attack us.

Speaker 17 Teddy said he did hear occasional growls and hisses, and even a few loud, bird-like shrieks coming from the walls, but this is most likely just the ghosts of the dead animals whose corpses he disturbed when building the rink.

Speaker 23 It'll be fine,

Speaker 16 he added as Joan Jett's I Love Rock and Roll played loudly in the background.

Speaker 7 The city council announced today that flowers look especially pretty.

Speaker 6 Everyone go smell the flowers, they snarled, wistfully, in unison. Have you ever smelt one of those things?

Speaker 21 Just so full of color and musk and fluffy yellow dust.

Speaker 6 Here, smell this!

Speaker 37 And they threw daisies all over the surprised reporters.

Speaker 17 The council asked if the sun looked like it was smiling.

Speaker 6 We just stare at that thing all day, they sneered.

Speaker 32 Lovingly, we think it is the kindest thing in the sky.

Speaker 8 Look!

Speaker 28 The city council then pointed up at the windowless conference room's dropped ceiling.

Speaker 10 Well, it's so nice to hear the city council in a good mood.

Speaker 26 I can't think of the last time they've sounded so hopeful and cheery.

Speaker 3 Have they ever been in a good mood?

Speaker 10 But you know, everyone here at the station too has been uncharacteristically friendly the past few days.

Speaker 27 Station management, who

Speaker 21 I only ever see as shadows and glowing orange lights in the corner office, and who regularly scream and cause the building to shake when the ad sales team doesn't make quarterly goals,

Speaker 3 has been buying doughnuts or the staff.

Speaker 10 They also bought us a new claw hammer and a stone pounding board for making coffee.

Speaker 3 Plus,

Speaker 13 this morning, they left a card on my desk thanking me.

Speaker 10 Yeah, station management thanking me and giving me a raise.

Speaker 10 I didn't even know I was getting paid.

Speaker 10 Well, so many people having a lovely day.

Speaker 27 I hope you're having one too, Night Vale.

Speaker 23 Our new sheriff followed up the city council press conference with a report on the growing number of strangers in Nightvale.

Speaker 32 These strangers appear out of nowhere and do not visibly move other than their even, deliberate breaths.

Speaker 29 Sometimes they are suddenly closer without anyone seeing them take a step.

Speaker 11 The sheriff said they think the strangers are just people from Desert Bluffs who have abandoned their wretched city to come live in Nightvale, but that that the secret police are looking further into rumors that the strangers might be something else entirely.

Speaker 32 When pressed about their opposition to Mayor Dana Cardinal's financial assistance of Desert Bluffs, the sheriff brought out a several-foot-high stone and sculpted an intricate series of interconnected geometrical shapes, each one balancing the next.

Speaker 23 The reporters watched the sheriff for hours until the sculpture was complete.

Speaker 17 The sheriff then added that they do not oppose the mayor on all issues.

Speaker 36 In fact, Mayor Cardinal is a good mayor.

Speaker 18 We just disagree on the issue of how to fight crime, the sheriff said, still tightly gripping their stone carver.

Speaker 10 For instance, I agree with the mayor about needing to open the dog park to dogs and people.

Speaker 10 I love dogs and think it would be great if folks could take their dogs into the dog park.

Speaker 20 The sheriff then said that they saw the cutest beagle puppy the other day.

Speaker 3 Really, really cute.

Speaker 29 The sheriff leaned close into the mic and said,

Speaker 19 Such a good boy.

Speaker 4 Good

Speaker 4 dog.

Speaker 21 Listeners,

Speaker 31 I'm getting word that the city council was just seen in public walking across the front lawn of City Hall, each of them carrying matching black cases.

Speaker 29 Witnesses were stunned as the City Council is rarely seen outside of City Hall, despite their constant vacations.

Speaker 17 Some reported that they heard the council whistling Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby.

Speaker 38 But others reported that that must have been the bluebirds fluttering around just above their heads.

Speaker 26 Some eyewitness accounts say that the council wasn't even walking, they were strolling.

Speaker 28 When has the city council ever strolled?

Speaker 26 We didn't know their bodies were even anatomically capable of that.

Speaker 31 Someone else said, well, that looks like skipping to me.

Speaker 19 But that's just ridiculous.

Speaker 4 Skipping?

Speaker 31 Is the city council leaving town on another vacation? What put them in such a good mood?

Speaker 19 More on this as it develops.

Speaker 17 And now a word from our sponsor.

Speaker 45 Here with that is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, and also, I think, our ad sales manager here at the station.

Speaker 46 Oh, I don't work for the station.

Speaker 16 But you regularly provide me with copy for our live spots.

Speaker 7 Oh, and you also read ads from various companies on the air. Do you work for an ad agency?

Speaker 46 Cecil, please.

Speaker 41 But this is my show.

Speaker 7 If you don't actually work at the station or for the companies you're pitching, I'd kind of like to know who you work for.

Speaker 3 Shh.

Speaker 46 Not everything can be an emergency.

Speaker 8 Okay then.

Speaker 46 Human listeners, today's show is brought to you by Pfizer. What does Pfizer do? What doesn't Pfizer do?

Speaker 8 Whew!

Speaker 46 All the things Pfizer can help you with. We can't even begin to describe it to you.
You know what? Pfizer is indescribable. How can you put it into words what Pfizer does? You can't.

Speaker 5 You wouldn't.

Speaker 46 No, you absolutely would not. You would not dare describe what we do.
You're still trying to describe us in your mind, aren't you? Maybe Pfizer wasn't articulate enough. Maybe Pfizer can't trust you.

Speaker 46 You have betrayed Pfizer. Don't say no.

Speaker 46 Did you just say no?

Speaker 46 Why are you always arguing with us? We give and give and give and we never ask for anything other than money in return. We only ask for money and that you try not to describe us in words.

Speaker 46 And what do you do?

Speaker 48 You give us lots of money, but you also try to describe us in words.

Speaker 46 Pfizer, we can't even whip this right now.

Speaker 49 Oofta.

Speaker 7 It sounds like you work for the pharmaceutical industry.

Speaker 46 No, not you too, Cecil. I can't be here anymore.

Speaker 7 Wow, the door didn't even move.

Speaker 37 I'm not even sure how she slammed it.

Speaker 42 Listeners,

Speaker 45 I'm being...

Speaker 22 I'm being distracted.

Speaker 51 Intern Kareem has been pestering me to allow him to go skating.

Speaker 39 Since station management seems to be out of the office, he thinks now is the perfect time to take a long break and go check out the new desert flower skating rink.

Speaker 41 Okay, I'm going to let you go, Kareem, but only because it's a news story.

Speaker 45 I want a full report on the new facility.

Speaker 8 Okay?

Speaker 10 This is still your work time, Kareem.

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 25 he just skated away.

Speaker 11 I need to sit him down and talk to him about professionalism and where he got cool skates like those.

Speaker 25 They had lightning bolts on him.

Speaker 18 But first, we've just received a call from a controversial figure, calling in from the jailhouse, I presume, while on trial.

Speaker 21 Listeners, let's go now to an exclusive interview with literal five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels.

Speaker 8 Hello, Hiram.

Speaker 52 Howdy, Cecil.

Speaker 5 Thanks for letting me on your show.

Speaker 52 I just uh wanted to call in and, you know, clear up a few things about this trial.

Speaker 49 We will burn the courthouse to the ground! We will char the already charred remains of the human judge and jury.

Speaker 36 My understanding is that the jury is not all human.

Speaker 18 It's a jury of peers, Hiram.

Speaker 5 Well, now, uh, my greenhead is speaking metaphorically.

Speaker 49 We will scorch the scales of justice.

Speaker 52 Yeah, like that. The thing is, Cecil,

Speaker 52 they are using computers to simulate five-headed dragons on the jury, but now they're saying that a single five-headed dragon computer program counts as five separate jurors.

Speaker 52 So they're only making one computer and then choosing seven human jury members.

Speaker 52 That hardly seems fair.

Speaker 45 They don't respect us at all.

Speaker 52 No, no, they don't, Greyhead. They really don't.
Plus, no computer can recreate the complexities of sentient dragon.

Speaker 45 It's offensive.

Speaker 43 Well, I know they looked for actual five-headed dragons, but there aren't many out there that the city can find.

Speaker 52 Well, my sister Hadassah is in town. I think she should be considered.

Speaker 43 Family members of the accused generally aren't allowed on juries. But also, one of your heads, the violet one, is going to be a witness against you at the trial.

Speaker 45 How are things going within your own body?

Speaker 52 They put a hole in my cell wall so my violet head could be outside of the jail since he is not charged with any crime.

Speaker 49 I can hear you conspiring against me. Quiet, you traitorous stink! I will chew you from.

Speaker 10 Yeah, easy green.

Speaker 52 You're not allowed to talk to Violet anymore. It would be witness tampering.

Speaker 43 We shouldn't even be talking to the media.

Speaker 5 Our lawyer said anything we say could be used in the trial.

Speaker 52 My bluehead is right, Cecil. I just wanted to use my phone call to get the word out about the unfair practices going on in this trial.
It is so unfair.

Speaker 28 Well, I'll certainly look into this.

Speaker 43 Are you having an okay day otherwise, Hiram?

Speaker 45 I sure am, Cecil.

Speaker 52 Despite my circumstances, everyone's in pretty good spirits today. They

Speaker 52 serve Raw Lamb in the mess hall and let us watch a whole hour of the Lee Marvin Marathon on the C-SPAN this afternoon.

Speaker 49 They showed Death Hunt. It was his finest work as an actor.

Speaker 45 I think Gorky Park was one of his more interesting roles, but yeah, Death Hunt is pretty good. E.

Speaker 5 Marvin is a lighthouse at a stormy cinematic sea. I personally prefer Cat Balloo!

Speaker 49 Silence, you withered noot!

Speaker 52 All right there, Green.

Speaker 52 Hey, thanks for taking the call, Cecil.

Speaker 11 No, thank you, Hiram.

Speaker 13 We are getting good news from Teddy Williams down at the new skating rink that there are record crowds.

Speaker 10 So many people are showing up to skate.

Speaker 27 He didn't realize how popular roller skating would be here.

Speaker 23 We're also getting bad news from Teddy that all of the lights have gone out.

Speaker 38 He's hearing deep growls coming from not only the ghost pets in the walls, but loud shouts and snarls coming from the skaters themselves.

Speaker 32 He cannot see who it is, but he can definitely smell the metallic, briny stench of blood.

Speaker 17 He did not care to elaborate about how he is so familiar with the smell of blood, just that he's sort of an expert in the matter and it's definitely blood, and that no one else should come to the skating rink.

Speaker 38 He whispered all of this from underneath the turntable in the DJ booth.

Speaker 12 He reported seeing looming shadows in the near black.

Speaker 33 The shadows of hulking figures with what appeared to be either antlers or very elaborate hats.

Speaker 29 He could feel the floor trembling beneath him as if there were a stampede of beasts or a clash of angry gods.

Speaker 36 Williams reported that he just once, just one time in his life, wants people to be able to play arcade games and skate and bowl and drink sodas without fearing for their safety.

Speaker 7 Listeners, do not go to the skating rink.

Speaker 43 And for those of you already there, take cover.

Speaker 26 Do not come out from your hiding place.

Speaker 43 Not even if they put on Pat Benatar.

Speaker 26 As I wait for further news from intern Kareem at the skating rink, let me take you now to the weather.

Speaker 3 flash.

Speaker 4 Thinking of milk, bound crown for the dentist kids, walk a twin in your head.

Speaker 4 The best wine sung and blue into a patch of sky.

Speaker 4 Thinking of milk,

Speaker 4 pack old bags and a blow-to-fish cigarette.

Speaker 4 Placard L drunk through your neighbor's garden, but you don't care.

Speaker 4 Thinking of milk,

Speaker 4 it's so white, it's so white.

Speaker 4 It's alright, thinking of milk.

Speaker 4 It's so white, it's so white.

Speaker 4 It's alright, thinking of milk.

Speaker 4 Cabbage palms across your skull.

Speaker 4 A hat from the owner of the

Speaker 4 kittens, linter rats.

Speaker 4 You sat inside your hat, your eye was black, your mouth was warm, your bread storm. You're fifty-four

Speaker 4 with the snow white colour

Speaker 4 on your head was lovely.

Speaker 4 Whoa,

Speaker 4 thinking of milk,

Speaker 4 thinking of milk

Speaker 4 and all

Speaker 4 five blues and fish cigarettes.

Speaker 4 You don't care taking off milk.

Speaker 5 When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

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Speaker 8 The woods are watching.

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Speaker 54 Despite having a terrifying start, the new skating rink sounds like a huge success and everyone seems to be having fun again.

Speaker 29 It is clear now what has happened.

Speaker 29 Intern Kareem said that when he arrived at the skating rink, rink, he saw almost everyone from Night Vale, Leanne Hart from the Daily Journal, John Peters, you know the farmer, Old Woman Josie, and the beings Karim insists on calling angels.

Speaker 10 Judge Siobhan Azdak, even the city council was there.

Speaker 44 Their black cases were all opened, revealing white retro skates with thick red and blue piping.

Speaker 54 It was a feel good atmosphere on a feel-good day.

Speaker 17 Karim bought a soda, filled it with every flavor from the fountain, and put his bag in a locker.

Speaker 29 Electric Lady by Janelle Monet was on and he raced to the floor to have his first skate to his favorite song, only to see a group of hulking figures with elaborate hats enter.

Speaker 13 Karim stopped dead in his tracks, standing and shivering in front of this menacing group.

Speaker 19 Karim had never seen them before, but he recognized them immediately by their sound and their smell as the management of this radio station.

Speaker 26 Karim stiffened up and prepared an explanation that he was here to work, to report on the new skating rink, and he was not slacking, but station management did not seem to notice him.

Speaker 40 They were gazing across the room at the city council, who by this point had all donned short shorts and headbands and were twirling and spinning in unison around the rink.

Speaker 29 Just as Beyoncé's XO started playing, the City Council and Station Management all made eye contact.

Speaker 33 Station Management and City Council skated toward each other and everything went dark.

Speaker 33 The record player scratched and all went quiet save for

Speaker 19 horrifying growls and animal screeching.

Speaker 40 Karim could smell something briny and metallic

Speaker 1 like olives.

Speaker 29 While everyone scrambled to hide in fear, Karim, himself a young man in a new relationship, knew exactly what was going on.

Speaker 15 He put on the night vision goggles we require every one of our interns to carry at all times, and he watched as station management and the city council met in the middle of the rink, joining arms, skating in slow, happy circles, intermittently placing heads on shoulders,

Speaker 22 wanting to sneak kisses but uncertain of the right moments.

Speaker 29 Dozens of figures with hundreds of fingers all intertwined in defiance of our understandings of physical dimension, sighing hotly with romantic need and burning anticipation.

Speaker 54 The city council had brought live rodents,

Speaker 42 and they held them up gingerly to station management's mouths as management chewed off pieces of the screaming creatures.

Speaker 54 When station management finished devouring the last bites, The city council adorably brushed pieces of tail and fur from station management's face, letting their fingertips or

Speaker 42 whatever it is at the end of whatever those appendages are linger.

Speaker 42 After a few circles around the rink, management and the council left together.

Speaker 39 The aftermath of their budding romance is clear on the brand new polished hardwood floor of the skating rink.

Speaker 7 Swirling hearts strung together, carved into the wood with their wheels.

Speaker 11 The lights are back on now.

Speaker 16 Everyone is skating again.

Speaker 28 The stereo is blasting Parliament's flashlight with Hansen's mmbop coming up next.

Speaker 55 As a person in a long-term relationship, I know how fulfilling long love can be.

Speaker 39 I also remember the days of being single, and that is also fulfilling.

Speaker 42 But nothing is quite so thrilling, so unexpected and and uncertain as that moment in between those two states, single and in love.

Speaker 8 That short fireburst of irrational passion for a person or people or multi-dimensional entities you barely know but with whom you maybe want to be with always.

Speaker 35 You know the thrall of hopeless wanting. where you long to hold the other so tightly as to become one.

Speaker 10 You think it is love, even when it is not.

Speaker 7 Love is patient and understanding and turbulent and rock-like, ever-confident in itself.

Speaker 54 But this early infatuation, these addictions to a new other, are some of life's most fragile and

Speaker 14 ecstatic moments.

Speaker 14 Well,

Speaker 19 I'm so happy for city council and station management.

Speaker 10 They make a cute...

Speaker 10 couple.

Speaker 25 Karim said that he also saw former intern Maureen, her new puppy, and some boy in a hoodie all brooding in the corner.

Speaker 29 Maureen appeared to be making sardonic jokes at the expense of the new couple and at the expense of the idea of dating itself.

Speaker 10 Karim said the dog was really cute, but there was something about the sight of Maureen and the hooded boy and the puppy that upset him.

Speaker 45 I told Kareem, no, she's always like that.

Speaker 10 Stay tuned next for the best hits of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, 2010s, 2020s, and beyond.

Speaker 35 And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Speaker 35 Good night.

Speaker 46 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink.
The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 46 The voice of Deb was Meg Berschwiner. The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Public.
Original music by Disperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Speaker 46 This episode's weather was Thinking of Milk by Tristan Hayes. Find out more at tristanhays.bandcamp.com.
That's H-A-Z-E.

Speaker 46 Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio.

Speaker 46 Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking that donate link.

Speaker 46 That'd be amazing. Today's proverb, be careful careful what you wish for because it probably won't come true.
And life is mostly about expectation management.

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Speaker 46 I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

Speaker 52 And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

Speaker 27 You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

Speaker 46 We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Speaker 37 Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

Speaker 2 He's too old.

Speaker 46 Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

Speaker 35 It is.

Speaker 46 Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

Speaker 52 We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

Speaker 46 We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

Speaker 46 So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Speaker 53 Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 46 And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Speaker 5 Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

Speaker 5 It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Speaker 5 Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

Speaker 5 There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Speaker 5 Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

Speaker 5 And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Speaker 5 Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.