81 - After 3327

Speaker 1 Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 1 We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July.

Speaker 1 You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 1 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026. You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Speaker 1 Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

Speaker 1 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

Speaker 1 These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

Speaker 1 So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 1 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live. And hey, see you soon.

Speaker 2 Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do. But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.
We're talking cashmere, denim.

Speaker 2 This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

Speaker 2 We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Speaker 2 Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price. I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

Speaker 2 She wore it at her first day of school. She loves that dress.
It has pockets, if you know, you know.

Speaker 2 I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Speaker 2 Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Speaker 2 Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
That's quince.com slash nightfail.

Speaker 2 Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Speaker 1 To air is human, but to air is also computer.

Speaker 1 We'll have to find another test to reveal which of us are secretly bots.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 1 Let's start things off with the community calendar.

Speaker 1 This afternoon, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be hosting a lecture by Nightvale High's AP Autoshop teacher, Nick Teller.

Speaker 1 He will be demonstrating some fun devices he came up with while tinkering around in his garage.

Speaker 1 As usual usual for talks at the museum, Nick will be covered with a burlap tarp and a white noise machine will be played through a state-of-the-art surround sound system so that no dangerous and secret technology can accidentally be learned about.

Speaker 1 Tuesday will be the annual day in which we leave offerings of fruit and role-ads for the Eternal Scouts on display in front of City Hall.

Speaker 1 These brave children rose through the ranks from Boy Scout to Eagle Scout, Bloodpacked Scout, Weird Scout, Dreadnought Scout, Dark Scout, and Fear Scout before finally achieving the rank of Eternal Scout.

Speaker 1 Now these two brave boys, Frank and Barty, stand in their glass cases, as they have for almost three years, with wide unseeing eyes, wide unseeing mouths, and long unseeing hair.

Speaker 1 It is rumored that one day, in Night Vale's hour of greatest need, the Eternal Scouts will awake and walk among us once again.

Speaker 1 Until then, we all bow our heads in silent reverence, so that we don't have to look at them because they are very creepy.

Speaker 1 We all look at the ground instead because the ground is not creepy, creepy except that it consumes your body when your body no longer belongs to you.

Speaker 1 Wednesday is take your daughter to work day.

Speaker 1 Wednesday is put your daughter to work day.

Speaker 1 Wednesday is teach your daughter how to do whatever simple task it is you are paid to do and then once she has mastered it slip away and leave her as your replacement day.

Speaker 1 If you do not have a daughter, one will be assigned to you. If you do have a daughter, are you you do?

Speaker 1 Thursday is a lost cause. Why even bother with Thursday? We all tried and tried and still Thursday is what it is.

Speaker 1 Let's all give up hope for Thursday and just let it do its thing.

Speaker 1 Friday evening, legendary rock band The Clash and the great Amy Winehouse are joining together for a free concert, In Your Imagination.

Speaker 1 Saturday, there will be a sale at Dark Owl Records, with everything wildly reduced in price.

Speaker 1 Cheapest of all, said Dark Owl owner Michelle Wynne, will be the idea of art, which has been degraded to a point where it holds no recognizable value.

Speaker 1 It's like, what does art even mean outside of the intention to make art? said Wynn in a statement she burned into my lawn this morning. And does the intention to make art alone define what it is?

Speaker 1 Anyway, you can take art for all I care. I moved on to the intricate, fractal happenstance of nature like years ago,

Speaker 1 she concluded.

Speaker 1 If there's any particular album you're looking for, please do ask for it by name so that Michelle can know the album is too well known now and she can put every copy she owns in the garbage with with all the rest of the popular music.

Speaker 1 Sunday is someone else's problem. What? You have to worry about every day yourself?

Speaker 1 This has been the community calendar.

Speaker 1 My former intern Maureen has dropped by the studio, and oh my god, she has the most adorable beagle puppy with her. Look at you.
Look at you.

Speaker 3 I'm here too.

Speaker 1 Oh, of course. Hello, Maureen.
You are also here. Yes.
Hi.

Speaker 3 Or whatever. I guess hi.

Speaker 1 Maureen, it's just a delight to have you and your little buddy here.

Speaker 3 I bet it's a delight.

Speaker 2 Okay. What's been new with you?

Speaker 3 Well, let's see. Oh, yeah.
I had to start a new internship because I still need those credits to graduate. The new internship's pretty sweet, I guess.
I lead an army or whatever.

Speaker 3 You lead an army? Or whatever. It doesn't matter.
I mean, I don't have to. If you could write my intern credit letter for school, I wouldn't have to do this other internship.
I could just graduate.

Speaker 1 Oh, your new internship sounds just great. I hope you're truly applying yourself.

Speaker 3 I've been talking with another former intern of yours, by the way.

Speaker 1 Oh, Dana? Ah, so proud of her. My best intern.

Speaker 1 Ever.

Speaker 1 She's really doing some great things for this town. You know she's mayor now, right?

Speaker 3 I know who Mayor Cardinal is. Everything's about Dana, isn't it? Oh, look at me.
I get college credits, and I get to be mayor, not like Maureen.

Speaker 3 Maureen has to lead an army, or whatever, to get those credits. An army? Or whatever.
It's not important.

Speaker 1 It sounds kind of important.

Speaker 3 Oh, does it? Is that what sounds important? Do you know that there are people starving to death somewhere?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, where? We should help them.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Somewhere? Wasn't being specific.
Wasn't actually suggesting making the world a better place. I was just using theoretical human suffering as a deflection.

Speaker 1 Oh, have you been taking those art of conversation classes at the community college too? A receptionist, Lance, got me into these classes and I've learned so much about how to better talk with people.

Speaker 1 Techniques like intense, almost invasive listening, and absolute denial of the reality of truth. And changing the subject, your best line of defense.

Speaker 3 Can you write me a credit letter or not?

Speaker 1 That's a good question. Another good question is,

Speaker 1 who's a good boy, who's a good boy?

Speaker 3 This dog is, obviously. He's a beagle.
Therefore he's a good boy.

Speaker 3 This was a mistake. I'll talk to you later or whatever.
More whatever than later.

Speaker 1 Bye, buddy. Oh, look at you, such a cute dog.
I would do anything for that little face, that tiny, adorable face, and those floppy, dumb ears. I would do anything.

Speaker 1 Oh no, the beagle's leaving. In the arms of Maureen, Maureen is also leaving.
Goodbye, Maureen. It was nice of you to drop by and talk about...

Speaker 1 whatever it was you were talking about. Listeners, she's leaving in the company of that same boy I saw her with a couple weeks ago, the one with the baseball cap pulled low over his face.

Speaker 1 I definitely recognize him. Where do I know him from?

Speaker 1 Nah, I'm certain this won't come up again. I wouldn't worry about it.

Speaker 1 A small update on my previous community calendar announcement. Things have

Speaker 1 gone off track during AP Autoshop teacher Nick Teller's presentation on his inventions.

Speaker 1 It seems that he somehow accidentally removed the unsecured burlap tarp from his body and turned off the switch on the white noise machine next to him, thus foiling the usual safeguards against learning.

Speaker 1 His completely audible talk covered simple life hacks he's developed to lower your electric bill. The first is a way of transmitting energy over great distances.

Speaker 1 To that end, he held up a lit light bulb not visibly attached to any power source. The power, Nick said, came wirelessly from a coil situated 26 miles away in the desert.

Speaker 1 His other power-saving tips included setting your thermostat just a bit higher, improving the insulation in your home, and using a free energy generator he invented that can provide power for an entire household indefinitely on no fuel at all.

Speaker 1 The world government has made a statement apologizing for the technical errors that are allowing this speech to be heard, and have released a response that consists of just the words, na-a,

Speaker 1 drawn in red crayon on construction paper. So,

Speaker 1 Two interesting sides to consider in this story.

Speaker 1 Update on the trial of the century, as four of the five heads belonging to five-headed dragon Hiram McDaniels are tried for their role in the attempted coup against our beloved mayor.

Speaker 1 The first witness of the trial was called to the stand to day.

Speaker 1 It was Harrison Kip, adjunct professor of archaeology at the Night Vale Community College.

Speaker 1 He was once tricked by Hiram's heads and their co-conspirator, the faceless old old woman who secretly lives in your home, into summoning a sand golem that wreaked havoc throughout Nightvale.

Speaker 1 We covered all this, of course, in our two-part report last year.

Speaker 1 Harrison had been so ashamed of his role in the destruction that he fled into the desert to live the life of a simple hermit, only reaching out to civilization to procure the bare necessities of life, and occasionally get on Skype to remotely teach classes and hold office hours.

Speaker 1 Mr. Kip did his best to describe what had happened, but mainly all that happened is that he was tricked into raising a sandgolem, so his testimony wasn't that interesting.

Speaker 1 The only highlight came when he was asked about his months out in the desert.

Speaker 1 He indicated that he found the desert mostly peaceful, but that he had recently seen something in the middle of the night that had disturbed him.

Speaker 1 He seemed very shook up about it, slumping forward and mumbling what was, I believe, the word appalling over

Speaker 1 and over.

Speaker 1 That part of his testimony probably didn't mean anything and probably doesn't indicate anything is going to happen.

Speaker 1 As that famous TV lawyer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, always says in her big closing arguments, Best performance is not a predictor of future results.

Speaker 1 Nick Teller's speech at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies is, disastrously, continuing to be heard by attendees.

Speaker 1 And, even more disastrously, the contents of this speech are being repeated on the radio.

Speaker 1 He moved on from his energy tips to reminisce a bit about some projects of his that didn't go exactly according to plan.

Speaker 1 For instance, he said, he once did some work on a boat in Pensilvania, and a few mixed-up calculations meant that instead of the boat becoming invisible, as planned, it jumped through both time and parallel universes, horribly altering every human on board.

Speaker 1 But, Nick went on to emphasize, he didn't let failures like that get him down.

Speaker 1 Even though that particular failure was so spectacular that he had to change his name and fake his death in order to evade the consequences. Whew!

Speaker 1 This is inspiring stuff, even though hearing it is completely illegal. As is probably

Speaker 1 repeating it on the radio.

Speaker 1 Whoopsie.

Speaker 1 Well, more from Nick as I continue to accidentally tell you what he's saying.

Speaker 1 But first, Today's traffic.

Speaker 1 A spectrum of grey.

Speaker 1 The topmost gray is that of sunlight, filtered through high-altitude clouds, then through lower-altitude haze, darkening down on a monochromatic spectrum toward dirt that is gray, or appears gray due to the quality of light.

Speaker 1 Built up from the dirt are grey buildings, full of gray people speaking grayly.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'll have another slice of pie, they say.

Speaker 1 Business is looking as good as this pie, they say.

Speaker 1 Pie tastes great and is better nutritionally than most people think, they say.

Speaker 1 Colorless, toneless words, gray faces slacking onto gray necks and gray bodies, gray dreams of a gray future that is neither good nor bad, but just what's next?

Speaker 1 A gray life, lived grayly.

Speaker 1 Gray dreams through gray nights, electric lights too bright to ever let dark settle into dark, no great absence to contrast the stars, no rich black of the void, a gray night, gray dreams, gray life, gray words, gray buildings in a gray world and the light grays grayly through the gray

Speaker 1 This has been Traffic.

Speaker 1 And now a word from our sponsors. Today's sponsor is Google.
Looking for pictures of a monkey riding a pony? Just search that on Google and it will probably be there.

Speaker 1 Looking for pictures of a dog named Table? Search that, and I bet someone named their dog Table and took a picture. How about an image of the exact moment of your death?

Speaker 1 I don't know, that might be on there too. Give it a search.
The internet is huge. Whatever it is, it's probably on there.
Google. Search for super weird stuff.

Speaker 1 We'll probably find something at least kind of similar. This has been a word from our sponsors.

Speaker 1 Well, it's almost time for our weather report, and I have to admit, I'm surprised.

Speaker 1 I'd have thought given some of the forbidden information we've been repeating from Nick Teller that we would have been shut down by now. But maybe I was wrong, I've wrong, I've wrong about that

Speaker 1 about that. Shut down by now.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Speaker 1 Brother, you've been slugging whiskey,

Speaker 1 fashioned all your crushes

Speaker 1 to numb your blood and body

Speaker 2 to withstand your split larces.

Speaker 1 But you found no holy cities

Speaker 1 in the bottom of your glass.

Speaker 1 And so you cry out, Zion,

Speaker 2 please make my last sips last.

Speaker 2 Pious

Speaker 2 brother to your vices,

Speaker 2 you are shunned and burned your cradle.

Speaker 2 Claim killer,

Speaker 2 you claim martyr.

Speaker 2 My brother Cain, my brother Abel.

Speaker 2 And there are evenings I recall.

Speaker 2 I was older than your years.

Speaker 2 Ram-headed son, prodigal gun,

Speaker 2 shot with mama's tears

Speaker 2 turned to a pillar of salt.

Speaker 2 And I may have loved you less,

Speaker 2 or I was wiser than your nature.

Speaker 2 But I won't say I tried my best.

Speaker 2 Pious

Speaker 2 brother to your idols,

Speaker 2 you were shunned and burned your cradle.

Speaker 2 You were your own forsaker, my brother Cain, my brother Abel.

Speaker 2 Pious brother to your vices,

Speaker 2 you were shunned and burned your cradle.

Speaker 2 Claim killer,

Speaker 2 you claim martyr, my brother Cain, my brother Abel

Speaker 2 Pious brother to your vices,

Speaker 2 you are shunned and burned your cradle.

Speaker 2 Link killer,

Speaker 2 you claim martyr, my brother Cain, my brother Abel.

Speaker 2 My brother to your visits, you are shown, and burned your cradle.

Speaker 2 Link killer,

Speaker 2 you claim martyr, my brother Cain, my brother able.

Speaker 2 I is brother to your

Speaker 2 saint. Martian,

Speaker 2 you burn your cradle.

Speaker 2 Claim killer,

Speaker 2 you claim martyr, my brother Cain, my brother Abel.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor. You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.
Someone else is there. Something else is there.

Speaker 1 In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms. You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Speaker 1 Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing. You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

Speaker 1 But you forgot what I just said. You're not alone.
Something wraps itself around around you. It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

Speaker 1 You look down and see the mythical kraken. You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.
I love kraken rum, you say.

Speaker 1 It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices. You high five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

Speaker 1 It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Speaker 1 Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween. Copyright 2025 Kraken Rum Company Krakinrum.com.

Speaker 1 Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Speaker 4 You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Speaker 1 Smart Choice.

Speaker 4 Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

Speaker 4 That's why they offer a tool called AutoQuote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

Speaker 4 So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Speaker 4 Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.

Speaker 1 I'm finally back, listeners.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you've noticed over the past several days that our usual broadcasts had been replaced by harsh buzzing and the occasional shout of, you're not hearing anything right now, this isn't sound.

Speaker 1 As I had kind of hoped, the world government shut down our station, which meant that I got a couple weeks off.

Speaker 1 I had been needing a break, and the extra legal closure of my place of work and the forced re-education of all of us who worked there gave me just the chance I needed.

Speaker 1 In between re-education sessions, I did a number of household chores that needed doing. Painting, gutter cleaning, and the like.
The picking up and the putting down and the mending and the clearing.

Speaker 1 Resoding my lawn after Michelle burned her statement into it. I had some quiet time with Carlos.
And I re-watched the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Speaker 1 Ah, I just love at the end of every episode after she successfully wins the big court case when she smokes cigars and cracks wise with her law firm partner, angel, ah, so good.

Speaker 1 I also dropped in on Nick Teller at his auto shop in the high school. He had just finished up feeding the cars and was grading some papers, but he kindly made time for a chat.

Speaker 1 I asked him if he wished things had turned out for him differently, if he wished that he hadn't had to flee his old life.

Speaker 1 and come to this town where his best inventions are suppressed by order of the world government.

Speaker 1 He smiled.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 he said, honestly, I get it. The world has never been accepting of what I do, and I'm happy with my life here.
I like teaching AutoShop. I like working with young people.

Speaker 1 I like guiding them into a life of creating new things that will never see the light of day because they threaten the system as it is and the powers as they are. It's rewarding work.

Speaker 1 I told him I was glad that he seemed to have found peace in his life.

Speaker 1 He said he was too. After all, he said, what other choice would I have? It's not like I could go back and fix my mistakes.

Speaker 1 Or.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 He turned pensively and told me that he had some old papers he wanted to look through for purely nostalgic reasons and asked if I could leave him to it. And so I did.

Speaker 1 Listeners, maybe at some point Nick wanted to be something other than he was, but that doesn't mean he is beholden to that dream he once had. It's okay for him to be alright with who he is now.

Speaker 1 Acceptance is not failure.

Speaker 1 Sometimes acceptance is just acceptance.

Speaker 1 Of course, one must always be open to new dreams and new ambition.

Speaker 1 And if at some point Nick decides that he no longer wants to be an AP auto shop teacher, or if he decides he wants to alter history so he will never have even come here,

Speaker 1 then that too will be okay.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned next for an unexpected gain in cabin pressure. No mask will help you.
We weren't prepared for things to go this way.

Speaker 1 And good night, Night Vale.

Speaker 1 Good night.

Speaker 5 Welcome to Night Vale. This production of Night Vale Presents.
It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 5 The voice of intern Maureen was Maureen Johnson. Original music by Dispirition.
All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Speaker 5 This episode's weather was Table Song by Katie Cuffle. Find out more at katiecuffle.com.
That's K-U-F-F-E-L.

Speaker 5 Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Speaker 5 Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

Speaker 5 And while you're there, consider clicking that donate link. That'd be way cool of you.
Today's Proverb. You know what would be great?

Speaker 5 If someone made a movie showing Spider-Man's origin story, I'd love to finally see that on the big screen.

Speaker 6 Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

Speaker 6 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 1 Oh, come on.

Speaker 6 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.
Whatever.

Speaker 6 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 7 I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

Speaker 1 And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director. You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

Speaker 7 We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

Speaker 5 He's too old.

Speaker 7 Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 7 Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, Must Season, and Casey Missed Thems.

Speaker 7 We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight. We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.
We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

Speaker 1 And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Ganja and Hess.

Speaker 7 So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Speaker 1 Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 7 And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Speaker 2 Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

Speaker 1 And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

Speaker 2 To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

Speaker 8 The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

Speaker 2 And also, the really good episodes, too.

Speaker 8 What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

Speaker 2 The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.