78 - Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Cook a feast no family could fully eat.

Recite prayers no family could fully believe.

And acknowledge a frightful history no family could fully comprehend.

Welcome to Night Vale.

We have a treat for you today, Nightvale.

A Thanksgiving edition of cooking stuff with Earl Harlan.

Our guest, of course, is Earl Harlan, sous chef at Nightvale's most celebrated restaurant, Tourniquet.

Thanks for being here, Earl.

Thanks for having me on, Cecil.

Earl's going to be talking us through preparing and cooking a basic Thanksgiving meal.

I know a lot of you out there have your ancient family recipes still on their original cave walls, but Earl might have some new techniques to help you spice up those old dishes.

And there are a lot of people, like Carlos and me, who have never cooked or even seen a Thanksgiving turkey.

It's intimidating.

Where do we begin, Earl?

Well, it doesn't have to be intimidating.

On today's show, I'll I'll walk you through the five easy steps for the perfect Thanksgiving turkey.

Kill, clean, gut, stuff, and cook.

Also, some essential dishes like mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.

That sounds great, Earl.

But before we get started, let's get a news update about the trial of Hiram McDaniels.

Things are coming along in Nightvale's trial of the century.

Judge Siobhan Azdak has been assigned this case.

Siobhan is not actually a judge.

She's a theater writer, or the Nightvale Daily Journal.

But given that Nightvale has never had a trial, we just didn't have many judges around.

Since Siobhan has such a nuanced understanding of contemporary stage craft, but with an acerbic and unforgiving critical voice, she seemed a pretty good fit for deciding the fates of likely criminals.

Which is who she'd be dealing with.

I mean, what innocent person gets arrested and brought to trial?

No innocent person I've ever heard of.

Hiram McDaniels, a literal five-headed dragon, has been charged with the attempted murder of current mayor Dana Cardinal, as well as conspiracy, assault, and willful destruction of private property.

The trial will be held just as soon as they can find a jury of Hiram's peers.

So far, they have found a salamander, but it's tiny tiny and cannot speak human languages, let alone hold still long enough to listen to the lawyers discuss jury selections.

Also, it's an amphibian, not a reptile, so

that's pretty insensitive.

They did find another five-headed dragon available to serve on a jury, but it turns out she is Hiram's sister, Hadassah, and she was none too happy to be called in for jury duty, let alone at her brother's trial.

The prosecuting attorney, Troy Walsh, has been toying around with the idea of just dressing people up like dragons so that Hiram feels like he's getting a fair trial.

This seems the most equitable thing to do since everyone knows that justice is less about what the law says and more about how everyone feels about it.

More on the trial of the century as events develop.

Now, let's get right back to cooking stuff with Earl Harlan.

Thanks, Cecil.

So let's cook a turkey.

First step, find a turkey and kill it.

Yum.

I shot mine, but you could use a knife, a bow and arrow, a heavy wrench, your teeth, whatever's easiest for you.

The next step is to clean your bird.

Pluck all of the feathers from its lifeless corpse, cut off its head and all six of its hooves.

Now, adventurous culinary experts out there could pickle those hooves and serve them with ice cream for a traditional svitchish dessert.

Next, gut the turkey and don't be intimidated by the stench.

Just stick your knife deep into its belly and allow everything to pour out onto the floor.

You won't need any of that mess.

Well, my mother actually used to cook turkey organs for us.

She said they were called giblets.

Oh, your mother lied to you, Cecil.

Then Then what was she feeding us?

Let's stuff this turkey.

What do you say?

Okay.

I used to make my stuffing from stale bread, but since wheat and wheat byproducts can turn into snakes and kill you, I just take old newspapers, wad them up, and shove them into the turkey.

They absorb most of the bird's toxic fluid, so same result, really.

After the stuffing, throw in some seasoning, like salt and pepper, thyme, sage, a fistful of grass, anything you find lying around.

Just put it in a pile on top of the turkey and slide it into the oven.

While you're waiting for it to cook, maybe catch a football game on television.

I plan on watching some games this year with my son Roger.

Last Thanksgiving we watched football together.

But at the time, I had just come into awareness of myself as an adult and suddenly had this son that I didn't know at all, so I didn't know his name.

It was awkward.

Plus, neither of us had heard of football, let alone its Byzantine laws and restrictions on dancing.

We both sat silently waiting for it to be over, wanting to speak to each other,

unable to find the words.

Not talking can be a blessing, Earl.

Well, Thanksgiving Day football games are my favorite because my brother-in-law doesn't talk to me for hours.

Carlos likes watching the big parade, but I don't deal well with gore, so I cover my eyes and have him describe to me how they all die.

I'm trying to build family traditions with Roger.

I'm trying to build anything with Roger.

Fun.

And hey, I remembered to rent an oven for your appearance this time, Earl.

Now, you already prepared our turkey before the broadcast today.

It's cooking right now, low and slow at 675 degrees.

I can't wait to taste it.

But first, a public service announcement.

The Nightvale Parks Department would like to remind you that bears are dangerous animals, and you should stay away from them.

Conversely, bears are also adorable, so it's hard to want to stay too far away.

The Nightvale Parks Department understands bears look like they want hugs.

And maybe they do want hugs.

Maybe a hug would be just the thing to calm down their aggressive side.

Who knows?

In fact, the Rangers over at the Parks Department are split right down the middle as to whether bears are dangerous or cute.

According to the new Parks Department brochure on Wilderness Safety, it's tough to say.

I don't know.

Try hugging a bear.

See what happens.

What a weird brochure.

Bears are dangerous animals, Cecil.

No one should ever hug them.

Not argue, Earl.

This has been a public service announcement created by the Nightvale Parks Department and paid for by a bunch of bears that pooled their money and bought some airtime.

Let's talk now about the ultimate Thanksgiving side, mashed potatoes.

Right.

Mashed potatoes are a simple dish and concept, but they take skill to master.

A lot of people think they only need to mix potatoes, stock, butter, and cream, but there's so much more to it than that.

Really?

I've been using that standard recipe for years.

It seems fine.

Oh, but Cecil, it could be so much better.

For instance, you could cook those potatoes for about 45 to 60 minutes to really soften them up.

A raw potato is quite hard to mash, let alone chew.

Oh, I never thought about that.

People also forget to take the butter out of its wax paper or foil wrapping.

You should definitely unwrap your butter before using it.

Also, make sure your cream is fresh.

You don't want to use any heavy cream older than, say, six months.

Amazing.

I would have never thought of any of this.

And listen, salt and pepper are fine for mashed potato seasoning, but if you really want to step your dish up a notch, really have your family clamoring about your kitchen skills, then let me tell you my secret spice mix.

What is it, Earl?

I use slightly more salt.

and a little extra pepper.

Just a tad.

Amazing!

Then you just put it on a pot and mash it with your feet until it's warm enough to serve.

You know, I recently made this dish for me and Roger.

Did he love it?

I couldn't tell.

He ate it and then said,

thanks.

Um,

and then I said,

Dad?

And he said,

Okay.

And he went to bed.

Oh, how sweet.

Lately, I've noticed he wakes up in the middle of the night and just walks.

I got up quietly and followed him one night.

He walked out of the house and into the neighborhood.

He walked down each street in our subdivision, never backtracking or walking the same street twice.

He didn't stop or look at anything.

He just walked in the darkness.

Once a hooded figure passed him, but neither of them acknowledged each other.

The hooded figure saw me, for sure, but I think they also saw that I was just a concerned father and was not interested in spying on any of their secretive activities.

The hooded figure nodded and let me pass.

And Roger came home after that?

Yep.

He walks each street, each night in a different pattern, and then returns to bed.

Quite an adventurous kiddo you have there.

Let's pause now for a word from today's sponsor.

With that, here's Deb, a sentient patch of haze.

Hello, human listeners.

Today's show is proudly sponsored by corn.

It's almost Thanksgiving after all, and you wouldn't have Thanksgiving without corn.

Thanksgiving is America's holiday.

Corn is America's crap, America's lifeblood.

You can't live without corn.

If we didn't have corn, we wouldn't have tortillas or syrup or soft drinks.

Without corn, we wouldn't have dogs or cars.

We wouldn't even have a moon.

Everything is made of corn.

Listen to your heartbeat.

Z.

You hear that heartbeat of yours?

I'm a patch of haze.

I don't know what a heartbeat sounds like.

But this is what I imagine it sounds like.

That sound in your chest is corn, my friend.

All of that corn, pumping through your delicate mortal veins.

You didn't choose how you got here.

Neither did corn.

You are both products of free market and overpopulation.

Corn.

Eat it.

This message is brought to you by the corn and imaginary corn farmers of America.

Thanks, Deb.

It's really humid in here.

That's Deb for you.

Well, speaking of corn, that brings us to my favorite Thanksgiving dish, cranberry sauce.

A lot of people look down on canned cranberry sauce, but don't be so quick to judge.

It's inexpensive, easy to store, and with the right preparation, you can elevate this plain can of red gelatin into the most talked-about dish on the table.

Great news.

I have an entire cupboard full of canned cranberry sauce.

I'm looking forward to hearing what I'm supposed to do with it.

Earl?

I found Roger one evening in the cupboard.

He was just sitting there.

He wasn't hiding or crying.

I asked him what he was doing and he shrugged his shoulders.

I asked him if he was alright and he said, sure.

Tell me, how is he doing in school?

It's been up and down.

There's no record of his birth or his existence prior to last fall.

I don't know of any birth mother and He has no memories prior to showing up at my house for the first time a little over a year ago.

The school has let him enroll and take classes despite his lack of paperwork.

He gets along with most kids, okay,

but some tease him and call him names like Ghost Child and Zombie Kid because his skin is grayish and decaying and he is nearly transparent.

Ouch.

Kids can be cruel.

He's really good in class though.

He's still in elementary school because he looks about eight or nine, but his teacher Ms.

Blackwell said he has adult level reading and math skills, so we're trying to get him more advanced material.

He's been reading Immanuel Kant for a book report.

Roger's such a bright kid.

You're a good father, Earl.

You know that, right?

I have no idea what he's thinking, Cecil.

I try to talk to him, but he seems

distant, bored.

I don't know.

He's a child.

It's difficult, I imagine, for what is essentially an adopted child to...

He's not adopted, though.

He looks just like me, Cecil.

See, here's a photo of him, and here's one of me when I was a child.

Oh, wow.

You two are identical.

When was this photo taken of you?

Is that a steam locomotive in the background?

Ah, fire!

Oh, my.

Listeners, it appears our oven has caught fire.

Where's that extinguisher?

Here, here!

Where are you?

Earl?

Oh, there's so much smoke.

Listeners, while I find Earl, Earl, let me take you all to the weather.

You've been announcing your intentions

somewhat feebly,

like a long-forgotten plaything.

Once remembered,

reabandoned for any shiny new distraction.

Until

that is

the point of this

if at a moment pivotal,

you make a move almost pitiful and let

the whole thing fall.

And since you're clinging to your corner,

like a spider,

like against a roll much wider,

it's not confusing,

It's not surprising.

That we might miss your signals flying.

And so

what is

the pain of leaves?

You find a moment perfect home.

You make a move almost pitiful and let

the whole thing fall.

And I hold home,

we are

like a cocoon you are.

And now

we are

taking

to the sky.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We were made to easily bundle your trip.

Expedia.

Made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of Bridgestone tires.

Go to tire rack.com to see their Bridgestone test results, tire ratings, and reviews.

And be sure to check out all the special offers.

TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

Well, our turkey has finished cooking.

And you've laid out a whole Thanksgiving spread for us here, Earl.

It looks delectable.

Yeah, the turkey came out perfectly.

Once the oven catches fire, that's when you know it's time to take out your bird and dig in.

Well, oh, let me start by tasting the cranberry sauce.

Mmm, oh, that's so good.

It's got that perfect balance of tart and sugary sweetness I like.

Plus, the crunch of the frozen corn mixed in just gives this gooey dish a delightfully complex texture.

I also recommend mixing in a handful of bay leaves at the end.

Yum!

And now let's try these Earl Harlan special mashed potatoes.

Mmm, so buttery and warm.

Like the skin on the bottom of a human foot.

And don't forget my secret spice mix.

Oh, I've already forgotten.

Let's move on to the crown jewel of Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey.

Tell us about this masterpiece, Earl.

Turkey is easier than you think, listeners.

Don't be intimidated.

I shot this bird, drained its blood, tore all of its feathers off, removed its organs, and cut off its head and feet.

Then I stuffed things into its dead body and put it in an oven.

Well, let's give it a taste.

Hmm.

So.

Okay.

Huh.

That's so nice of you to say, Cecil.

This show has meant a lot to me today.

I've been having a tough...

Well, a complicated year.

And cooking...

Cooking has brought me so much joy.

Well, distraction.

It's a real pleasure getting to spend time with you and your listeners.

Earl,

come over to our place for Thanksgiving.

I.

No.

Yes, please.

Carlos and I would love to have you and Roger.

Who?

Your son.

Right.

Right.

We'd love to have you two over.

My sister and her husband are coming, plus my niece Janice will be there, so that would be someone Roger could talk to and play with.

I don't want to intrude.

Can you even fit that many people?

Oh, of course.

Plus, Carlos and I will do the cooking.

No working for you this holiday.

Cecil, I don't know what to say.

Well, actually, we might need a hand with the cranberry sauce.

I have over 20 cans of the stuff I need to prepare.

But, other than that, you and Roger just sit back and try to understand the point of football.

Maybe even have Carlos describe the torture scenes from the parade to you both?

Eek.

Oh, keep Steve occupied and out of the kitchen while I'm cooking.

Thank you, Cecil.

You're welcome.

I can't wait to try out all these new recipes.

I'm going to go out and assassinate a turkey right after the broadcast today.

I'm that excited.

Listeners, thanks again for tuning in and thanks to Earl Harlan of the restaurant Tourniquet for these helpful cooking tips.

Stay tuned next for a nearly exact repeat of this same show, but with the addition of one extra word that changes the meaning of everything.

And as always,

good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton.

The voice of Deb was Meg Berschwinner.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Autumn's Echo by StripMall Architecture.

Find out more at stripmallarchitecture.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would be way cool of you.

Today's proverb.

If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang.

And if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake.

It's a cake gang.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You know, kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada, in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise, we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.