77 - A Stranger

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.

Once upon a mundane morning, Barbs Day got

My head hurts.

Any mighty tools to help with this punt?

Aha!

Barb made her move.

She opened Canva and got in the groove.

Both creating Canva sheets.

Create 50 signs fit for suburban streets.

Done in a click, all complete.

Sweet.

Now, imagine what your dreams can become when you put imagination to work at canva.com.

When a window closes, so does a door.

So do all the other doors and windows.

The house is alive and it doesn't know you and it is scared.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Today's top story.

There's a strange person standing in the lobby of our radio station.

This person is standing still in front of the reception counter.

A receptionist, Lance, keeps asking the stranger if they need anything or if if they are here to see anyone.

The stranger has not moved.

Lance said that he never saw the stranger enter.

He looked up, and the stranger was just there, about eight feet away from Lance's desk.

The stranger has eyes that are darker than some people's eyes, but lighter than other people's eyes.

The same could be said about the stranger's hair, teeth, clothing, lips, and skin.

The stranger stands with their arms at their side, weight distributed evenly across the hips, a rigid but casual stance.

The stranger can be seen breathing.

It is hard to say what exactly the stranger is looking at.

It is even harder to say what the stranger wants.

Lance told me he would update me on the stranger, and I will do the same for you, listeners.

Now it's time for another children's fun fact science corner.

Did you know that over 70% of the Earth's surface is water?

It's true.

Scientists believe that the other 30% is some kind of animal hide.

Their data shows that the world's continents comprise the leathery back of a slow-moving ocean beast.

They don't know specifically what kind of beast, but scientists hope that it's cute.

Or, at minimum, non-venomous and fairly easy to take care of.

Scientists are hoping they're wrong about all of this, but given that they're scientists, that's pretty much impossible.

Lest the beast reveal its true nature, please walk gently and speak softly so as not to alert it to your presence.

This has been Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Mayor Dana Cardinal announced this morning that she has been in touch with neighboring city Desert Bluffs.

It's a disgusting town with terrible people, and we will no longer speak of them.

She would have announced if she were me, but here is what she actually said.

What does it mean to be a good neighbor, Night Vale?

Is it enough that we introduce ourselves?

That we say hello?

That we avoid eye contact and have sturdy doors and call centers for reporting suspicious activity?

How far out does neighborliness extend?

Because I have tapped my friends' phones and am using trained birds to record all of their activities, does that make me a kind person?

A neighborly person?

It does, but what about beyond what we can see?

Who we can see?

How far does our kindness extend?

To the limits of our city?

To the limits of our eyesight?

To the end of our block?

To the tips of our noses?

People of Night Vale.

We have a chance to help a neighbor in need.

I have been approached by our friends to the north.

Wait, I'm being told it's not to the north.

To the east.

Which direction are they then?

What?

It changes?

Really?

Okay.

Shh.

Shh.

By our nearby friends in this desert.

Due to financial hardships, the people of Desert Bluffs are in need.

We are all in this together, Night Vale.

Sickness can spread, whether that sickness is viral or economic.

We must not ignore our neighbors, our friends.

Today, I have asked the City Council to negotiate a low-interest loan to Desert Bluffs, a proximate civic family.

I think they would do the same for us.

If I sound passionate, it is because my heart is full of blood.

If I sound boisterous, it is because my lungs are full of words.

If I sound like I am eating, it is because my mouth is full of dirt.

Sometimes I chew on dirt when I'm anxious, or when I'm happy, or when I'm talking.

I like chewing on dirt.

I hope you will support your neighbors in whatever direction they live.

I hope you will support my decision as mayor.

Good day, Nightvale.

Mayor Cardinal's deputy, Trish Hidge, said there would be no questions.

She then picked the mayor up into her arms, pulled her cloak across their huddled bodies, and ran through the crowd, bowling over journalists and onlookers and some random jogger who thinks he's better than everyone else because he exercises publicly.

The city council has already registered their opposition to the mayor's plan to help Desert Bluffs.

The city council issued their own statement, which was to stomp into their room, slam the door, and play Rihanna very loudly.

I have to say, I agree with the City Council on this issue, listeners.

I understand Mayor Cardinal's concern about Desert Bluffs' struggling economy, and she is a very kind and sympathetic person.

But, as the poet Robert Frost once said, good fences make good neighbors, really strong fences, with razor wire and turrets.

Keep those neighbors out.

And Frost was right.

I support Dana on most issues, but I say save your sympathy for your own townspeople.

An update on the stranger standing in our lobby.

The stranger is still standing in our lobby.

Lance approached them.

but grew scared.

The stranger stood so still that it became impossible to derive derive context from motion or activity.

Any sound or movement the stranger might make would be completely divorced of linear narrative or conventional meaning.

At any moment the stranger could suddenly lurch or shriek without apparent cause, thus the clenching terror Lance felt as he neared the person in the lobby.

Lance mentioned he could hear breathing.

It wasn't labored, but it also wasn't quiet.

It was a person breathing, Lance confirmed.

I'm not entirely sure how Lance confirmed that.

I'm also not entirely sure how anyone can confirm anything, so let's just go with what Lance says.

Listeners, if you've been trying to call into the station, I apologize, as Lance is too frozen in fear to do much of anything.

He thinks he sees the stranger moving, but he also thinks he does not.

He is desperate for some explanation of this person's presence in our lobby, but he has received none.

Lance is now crying, but without tears.

He is screaming, but without sound.

He wants to gain the courage to touch the stranger, to hit the stranger, to punch and punch and kick and claw at the stranger.

He wants to feel the relief, a release from the madness of mystery.

He would rather experience actual pain than wait any longer in anticipation of the unknown.

Lance wants to sigh, but he cannot.

He doesn't remember the last time he exhaled.

He is not sure of what is real.

So, he is sorry if you keep getting our voicemail here at the station.

It's been a rough day.

More on this soon.

But first, let's have a look at this week's community calendar.

Thursday afternoon, there is a free ice cream social for all members of the Illuminati.

If you are Illuminati, please go to the secret underground bunker.

There will be ice cream, streamers, and of course, a bocce ball tournament.

If you are not Illuminati, please disregard this notice.

Maybe just stock up on some bottled water and bullets and hope for the best.

Friday night, Dark Owl Records will host a 90s fashion night.

Everyone is required to non-ironically wear t-shirts and hats from the 1990s, which were originally ironically worn t-shirts and hats from the 1970s.

Owner, Michelle Wynne, asked that everyone be as sincere as they can be.

Irony will not be tolerated, only studied museum-like, on puffy truck hats with clever witticisms like, hey, beer, or I like highway, or

dog,

along with airbrushed pictures of rattlesnakes, eagles, hot glue guns, and screen doors.

Wynn asked that I not invite the public to this event.

Oh.

Oh,

I should have read the whole press release before reading that.

And

I just received a new press release from Dark Owl owner Michelle Wynne announcing that the event has been canceled because people know about it.

Sorry, Michelle.

On Saturday, Strex Corp, formerly a Desert Bluffs corporation and now a nightville business, owned and operated by beings who are definitely not angels, will be the headline sponsor of a new program called Free Opera Day.

A weekly community event where anyone can hear opera at no cost.

In fact, you don't even have to go to the new old opera house to hear it.

Opera will be broadcast from the municipal loudspeakers, which are located on every residential block in the city and within most residential homes.

On Sunday, the Nightville Opera will be running their most popular weekly program, Opera Free Day, where citizens are relieved of all opera for 24 hours.

No one is allowed to play any opera at all.

Armed soldiers from a private armed soldier corporation will walk the streets making sure no one is playing any opera.

What is opera?

One armed soldier will ask the others.

I don't know.

Another will reply, could that be opera?

Another will ask, let's go check it out, they'll all say, lifting their rifles and approaching what will appear to be an automated car wash.

Monday morning doesn't really matter.

Nothing ever did.

Be silent and look upward to the sky as if it had your answers.

It does not.

The sky is as dumb as rocks.

Really dumb.

You'll figure that out early Monday morning as you passively choose to experience the day in spite of its pointlessness, mumbling, naught else remains to do.

while brushing your teeth.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Today's show is sponsored by.

well,

it's sponsored by

your mom.

She's really nice, and she mailed us a $10 bill to sponsor this show.

That's well below our usual advertising rate here at the station, but your mom was just the sweetest.

She also wrote a letter saying that she hopes you're having a fun time listening to the show.

She knows it's your favorite radio program.

Aw.

And wants you to know that she loves you very much.

Aw

Your mom also wants to know if you're still seeing that boy.

He's bad news, and she doesn't like his tattoos.

Not that people with tattoos are bad, that's not what she's saying.

But what do you think his skin will look like when he's 60?

She added.

What do you think anyone's skin will look like when they're 60?

she said repeatedly.

She asked several quiet, sad questions about the process of aging.

Then she said she cares for you no matter what.

She just wants you to be happy.

This message has been brought to you by your mom.

Good news, listeners.

I've just learned that the stranger standing in our lobby has finally moved.

Unfortunately, the stranger has begun walking slowly toward Lance.

The stranger raised one arm imperceptibly at first, but by the time the hand was nearly brushing Lance's neck, Lance realized it and leapt out of the way.

Lance

is currently standing behind his rolling chair watching closely for the stranger's next move, even though the stranger is moving so slowly as to appear motionless.

It's like the old adage about the frog in the frying pan.

I mean, they say if you put a frog in a frying pan and then turn up the heat very gradually, then you're a sociopath who takes pleasure in the torture of innocent animals.

Go easy on the frogs, okay?

They're adorable and ecologically important, but also easy to trick into dying.

Oh my goodness.

Lance, listeners, I must check on my colleague, but first, I must take you to the weather.

There was a field,

and at the brow of a hill,

I had a vision.

Time stood still.

you were holding

the world in your hands.

You said, come on up, what are you waiting for?

You are willing.

And I am able

to take your load, your heavy load.

I am stronger

than the beasts of this land.

I have a softer touch than any human hand

I

will meet you at the gate And I

don't mind the fact away Cause all

it takes a little time

You are lilies

In a field of waves

And when the summer's up, you will come on up to a table

where you leave with the best.

Take them me, you can leave the rest to the ravens

and the hungry crows

who are as black as coal, you are a shining light.

And I

will meet you at the gate

and I

might have fight away.

Is all

it takes a little time to taste the fruit and the vine I will meet you

on the brow of the sill

just one touch, a little touch of warm up

whispered a prayer prayer.

You gave me your life as a little child.

And I

will meet you at the gate.

And I

don't mind if I had to wait.

Cause all

it takes a little time to taste the fruit and the vine.

Show me the way.

Show me the way to your heart.

Show me,

show me

Show me the way to your heart

And I

will meet you at the gate

And I

don't mind if I do it

all

It takes a little time

And I

will meet you at the gate

And I

don't mind if I delay.

Cause all

it takes a little time to taste the fruit and the lie.

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Listeners, we found Lance.

He was curled into a dark corner of the storage closet.

His eyes dull, his jaw slack, his gray maw unnaturally

long.

The stranger who had stood so quietly, so nearly still in the lobby before, is now nowhere to be seen.

Likely they are still in this very building ready to show themselves again at any moment.

I bent down and took Lance's hand.

He was always a good receptionist.

Well, He wasn't that great.

I mean, there's no national receptionist ranking system.

How am I supposed to know?

I've never done it myself.

He could have been a receptionist savant for all I know about the field.

But

Lance

was a good man.

He loved movies.

He always dreamed of moving to Hollywood and becoming a makeup artist for major motion pictures.

He loved doing makeup.

But it was a dream deferred as he could never figure out where Hollywood was or how you were supposed to get there.

Most airlines and bus drivers would stare blankly at him when he tried to buy a ticket.

It's not on any map I've ever seen.

It's possible Lance just invented it to take his mind off of the tedium of daily life.

Either way, his makeup skills came in handy as he did himself up just like that poor girl in the closet from his favorite documentary, The Ring.

Plaid skirt and white shirt, long hair, and a grotesque corpse face.

He really nailed it.

I told him, good job.

He climbed out of the storage room and said, thanks.

I told him, one day, someone will find out where Hollywood is, and he'll go there and be a super famous makeup artist.

He didn't say anything.

We stood in silence for several minutes.

Oh, I'm taking a continuing education class at the community college about the art of conversation.

They said every good conversationalist should try to find five to seven straight minutes of no speaking in order to let others talk.

Lance is taking that same class, so we both gave the other person room to speak for those long silent minutes.

Finally, our intern Kate entered and told us her roommate called to say there's a stranger standing just outside their apartment door.

The stranger isn't moving or speaking and won't leave.

Kate said she needed to take off early to deal with this.

She said this several times, each iteration slightly louder, slightly more strained.

Have a great rest of your day, Kate.

Oh, Lance has returned to his work, feeling better.

I asked him to check for missed calls as the light for the voicemail was rapidly blinking to indicate it was full.

We apparently received dozens of calls from Knale residents reporting strangers standing, silent and unmoving,

in their homes

or sitting in the back seats of their cars.

A few residents were in their beds in the middle of the night when they turned and found a stranger there,

lying beside them,

empty eyes staring at nothing,

not moving.

Listeners,

maybe take a moment to check outside your front door.

Check for a silent, strange face in your window or just around the corner at the end of a hallway.

Perhaps take an agonizing look

into your shower.

Just in case.

Make sure there is no one there.

If there is, well,

be patient.

They move pretty slowly, it turns out.

You know what?

Maybe hide until the stranger leaves.

It'll be fine.

But maybe hide

or run away.

Maybe just huddle down, close your eyes, and hope one isn't near you

right now.

Stay tuned next for the sound of human breathing,

which is probably just your own breathing.

Probably.

As always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is the production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Dana was Josica Nicole.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Meet You at the Gate by Jane Trimble.

Find out more at janetrimble.com.

T-R-I-M-B-L-E.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool Night Vale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

What a cool person that is, everyone will think about you.

Today's proverb: I'm a single-issue voter.

If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them.

Hi, we're Meg Bashpiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of The X-Files, where Skelly gets attacked by a vicious house cat, and also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.