66 - worms...

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Nightvale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official official Wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta-Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

We all lie dreamily upon upon damp earth, spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent.

Welcome to Night Vale.

If you woke up today, you're probably already well aware of the worms.

It's been about 12 years since the last round of worm-based terror in this town, but they're back.

They're doing all of the usual worm things, flying around and dropping trees onto cars and houses, spitting venom at people, and eating stray cats and then leaving large mueling pellets all about town.

Thousands of worms have managed to completely envelop the Wreck Center Annex, which is where today's continuing education course, Counter-Terrorism Techniques for Beginners, was taking place.

Sadly, despite frequent pleas by many to classify worm attacks as terrorism, worms remain classified as a low-grade infestation, and thus were not covered in today's continuing education coursework.

This means more giant squirming pellets to clean up.

Um, yeah, yeah.

Worms.

Worms, worms, worms.

Great.

Hey.

Unrelated to anything.

Just wondering, but

have you ever asked yourself why the dog park is off limits?

I mean, I know it's a municipal park and all, but shouldn't citizens be able to

use it?

Seems kind of weird, right?

That you can't just go to the dog park and hang out.

Maybe even

bring your dog?

I don't know.

It's not like it contains any kind of vast desert otherworld where my boyfriend lives.

It's

I'm sure it's just a plain old dog park and and not an alt-dimensional portal.

Maybe our mayor will try to open up the dog park for public use, just temporarily, say, for a few minutes.

Maybe our mayor can help me out for once.

That would certainly be a friendly and mayoral thing to do.

After years of applications for city approval, there is finally an official Night Vale Book Club, listeners.

The book club, which is run by 14-year-old bibliophile and heroic vigilante, Tamika Flynn, will feature weekly discussions of popular and classic fiction, as well as Q ⁇ As with book experts about some of literature's most famous controversies.

like last week's heated argument about whether or not Herman Melville really wrote all of the novels which bear his name, or just Fight Club.

The book club meets Tuesdays from 2 p.m.

to 4 p.m.

at Patty's Hardware and Discount Pastries.

Members can candidly discuss the books without fear of most government repercussions while gnashing on some delicious wheat and wheat by-product-free pastries, sold at great discount to you.

Patty's also specializes in hammers, crowbars, and anything heavy that fits in your hand and can be easily swung.

Shop at Patty's, they'll never suspect a thing, Patty shouts in the looped recording playing from her perpetually squirming animatronic statue out front of her flagship store.

This week's book is Helen DeWitt's The Last Samurai.

There is only one heavily charred edition of this novel left in the world, but Tamika assures us that she managed to borrow a copy from the library's forbidden material collection.

She did finger quotes around the word borrow while also shaking her head, no,

and stomping, I am being totally facetious in Morse code with her right leg.

Then an owl landed landed on her shoulder and winked.

Spring League Baseball tryouts are next Saturday afternoon at the Haunted Baseball Diamond.

Children new to organized baseball will be assigned teams automatically based entirely on their personal dispositions.

That way there's a whole team of courageous players, a whole team of clever players,

one of conniving selfish players, and one that takes all the rest of the players, just like the four major league baseball teams.

Tryouts are from 10 a.m.

to 2 p.m.

with volunteer coaches Betty Lucero and Lucia Tereschenko.

The Nightvale Youth Baseball Association is asking parents to bring any extra baseballs to tryouts, as Coach Taraschenko died over 150 years ago and is now a ghost, and so has a hard time picking up ground balls during batting drills.

Getting an update on the worms, City Council has now elevated the warning scale from worms with a lowercase W followed by an ellipsis to worms with a capital W and two exclamation points.

It has not yet reached all caps.

Worms!

But if something is not done, this could become a more destructive worms outbreak than the famous worms with all caps, one exclamation point, and underlined twice disaster of 1997.

You know, listeners, if the worms get near the dog park,

perhaps the hooded figures who pace about behind the tall black fences would get distracted.

And then I could run in there and get to the desert other

I could just go check out the dogs catching tennis balls and and have a nice relaxing afternoon in a local park

or

actually no no I'd make a break for the desert otherworld inside the dog park and finally go visit Carlos

or

you know something

and now a word from our sponsors

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Due to today's worm attacks, the Sheriff's Secret Police are putting their search on hold for literal five-headed dragon Hiram McDaniels and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home.

After the attempted coup at City Hall several weeks back, The Secret Police have been aggressively pursuing the two fugitives who have reportedly conspired many times to overthrow Mayor Dana Cardinal.

Mayor Cardinal has been imperiled several times in the last month, only to be saved by someone controlling Nightvale community radio host Cecil Palmer, who is still quite upset about being used against his will.

If the mayor had just asked for my help, I would have happily come to her aid on my own, a frustrated Palmer said, just now into this very microphone.

Palmer alleges that Mayor Cardinal purchased him last year in an auction and has been using him as her personal protector.

The mayor has denied these charges, but, like the Night Vale Constitution says, denying that you are guilty is a major sign of guilt.

The secret police had previously warned against approaching either Hiram or the faceless old woman, as they are both deadly.

But the secret police have been so busy dealing with the worms today that they just can't deal with everything on their own.

Maybe you could help us out a bit, you think?

A Secret Police spokesperson said as worms gripped his legs tighter.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

If you could find either the 18-foot-tall five-headed dragon or the omnipresent ethereal woman who you can't quite ever see,

go ahead, bring them down.

Thanks for doing that.

Big help.

Big help,

the spokesperson said as the worm consumed with one slimy gulp the cutlass in his left hand.

The Secret Police added they received a tip from Night Vale human, Frank Chen, that he saw Hiram McDaniels flying far away to some other place.

And so, Chen said, Hiram is definitely not still in Night Vale.

Hiram ain't coming round here anymore.

I'm sure of it, Chen's long gold head stated.

I will burn your frail, useless corpse, human,

Chen's scaly green head added.

Stop calling people humans.

We are human, remember?

Chen's blue head said.

Uh, I mean, I am human, okay?

Chen's grey head said, Knock it off, you guys!

Chen's purple head grumbled from behind the other heads.

Speaking of the faceless old woman, she knows a lot about this town.

I bet I could ask her how to get into the dog park, how to get into that desert otherworld.

I should ask her, but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

Ask me what?

Oh, ha,

faceless old woman, you scared me.

I know.

So you want to go to the desert otherworld and visit your boyfriend?

Well, I do.

You are upset that the mayor has been using you to protect her from those wonderful threats to her life.

And you're frustrated by this town.

And you just want some time away to clear your head.

And so you don't have to always be saving the mayor from whatever great forces are trying to remove her from office.

Well, that's.

And by great, I mean really incredible.

Of course, who even knows who's been doing all of this to the mayor?

I mean, I know.

I know everything.

But all of these delightful rumors and lies about me and Hiram.

I mean, how can people even report such rumors?

Well, they're not totally untrue, I suppose.

And how on earth could I even?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm a bit distracted.

You know how to get into the dog park.

I do.

And I want to help you because,

well,

I want you to be happy, Cecil.

I will tell you how in a dream.

You will be in a boat, which will sink, of course, and you will lose all of your teeth, and as you are trying to pick up your teeth, you will find an oil painting of a Victrola.

You will then place a needle on the record and eat the entire painting.

Your chest will open, and dozens of red birds with gold ribbons in their talons will fly from you, and the ribbons will lift your limp, open body, carrying you through the sea and dropping you onto a frantic eddy of pink fish near a pink reef.

You must wake up immediately when you see the shadow of a young woman emerging from behind the coral.

Do not look long at her.

When you awake, you will hear her whisper.

And she will tell me how to get into the dog park.

I don't know what she will tell you.

Well, face this old woman.

I have to go.

I have to get back to keeping a distant eye on whatever it is that Chad is doing in that cursed home of his.

You'll be fine.

Nightvale will be fine.

The mayor will

Take a nice long break, Cecil.

You've earned it.

Faceless old woman?

Hello?

Now she's gone, I think.

Listeners, oh dear, I have made a bad mistake.

I believe I have upset station management.

I think my openly talking about the dog park has proved to be far too political a topic for this station's old-fashioned values that believe in not questioning local, world, or secret reptilian governments, nor their parks.

I have grown cavalier in my anxiousness to get out of town for a vacation, and this lack of care in my job, perhaps, will lead to my end.

I do not like the color glowing around my studio door right now.

I do not like the predatorial sniffing around the door's edge.

I do not like that hum, nor the heat of my skin, nor the cold in my heart.

I cannot face them, listeners.

I can not.

I just want a vacation.

I just want to see Carlos for a week, a day, a.

An envelope.

Oh

no.

The noise and the lights are gone.

All that is left is a black envelope, upon which is a single silver glyph, lightly afire.

I

do not recognize the language, nor even the alphabet of this burning symbol, but I know in my mind exactly what this says.

I wish I did not know.

I must have courage.

I must open this frightful news.

Before I do, let me say I am sorry to station management and to the city of Nightvale.

I have betrayed your trust with my careless speech.

If spared, I promise to never speak ill nor question the dog park again, but for now I will take myself to my punishment, and I will take you to the weather.

Well, my baby,

she's like a little black star.

She's just like a daddy,

way under far.

Just like a daddy,

way yonder far.

I'm gonna tell my Jesus about my little black star.

Gonna tell my Jesus

just where she are.

Gonna tell my Jesus

all about my star

What down in the swamp

Let me know how I get his fight

They fight all day

and they fight all night

They fight all day

and they fight all night

Where my baby's like a great black star, baby.

She's just like the death beat.

I'm way on the farm, baby.

She's just like the dead breathing.

I'm gonna tell my Jesus about my little black star

I'm gonna tell my Jesus

just where she's all

I'm gonna tell my Jesus

all of them my star

were down in the swamp

in all allocators fight

they fight all day

and they fight all night.

They fight all day

and they fight all night.

Well, my baby, she's like a little black star.

She's just like her daddy

way yonder far.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

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The woods are watching.

So

guess what?

The envelope wasn't about the dog park at all.

I fell to my knees, begging station management for forgiveness, but they silenced me immediately.

They were simply letting me know that my vacation had finally been approved.

I was confused for a moment.

I asked about the burning glyph on the outside of the envelope and what I thought it meant, which took some explaining as I didn't know how to describe that particular horrifying experience in English.

And they laughed and said, no,

that glyph is just the ancient abbreviation for human resources.

They're who approve the vacations vacations around here.

Then they showed me the actual glyph that meant what I thought the other one meant, and I lost consciousness.

I'm not sure for how long.

When I woke, I heard the whispered instructions from the woman in the coral, and then I heard laughter.

Station management was laughing.

And I laughed too.

And then they stopped laughing, or growling?

Perhaps Perhaps it was growling they were doing.

It's very difficult to say what that noise is they make.

Oh,

wow.

Yeah, I think it was growling.

Oh, now I'm super embarrassed about laughing.

Anyway, the worms.

The worms have backed down, thanks to a flamethrower and fierce rhetoric by the city council, resulting in some sick burns, both metaphorically and literally.

The worms have left, sure to return for us again someday, as all of nature eventually will.

Friends,

listeners,

all of Night Vale.

I love you

very much.

But I need time away to be with Carlos.

Yes.

And also some time to myself.

To reflect.

Also, I got a message from an old

colleague,

acquaintance,

Nemesis, who lives there as well.

You know, I don't want to talk about it just yet.

Night Vale, we've had many great years together, and I won't be gone long,

but

I've also grown...

weary.

Weary of some friends who are less than friends.

Weary of fights that need not be fought.

Weary of not being myself some of the time, which is something I strongly prefer to be all of the time.

Weary, sometimes, of Night Vale itself, I think.

I'll be back.

Whenever.

Refreshed.

You'll know when.

It'll be when you hear my voice again.

Stay tuned next for.

No, I don't know.

Anyway, time for vacation.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Woohoo!

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Little Black Star by Hooray for the Riffraff.

Find out more at hooray for the riffraff.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Vale Radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb: when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true, but because of distance, not for millions of years.

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Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.