65 - Voicemail

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Nightvale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry.

Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury.

I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's quince.com slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash nightfail.

You have reached the voicemail of Cecil Gershwin-Palmer.

That might seem like an easy thing to do, but think about how long you had to stay alive just to learn how a phone works and who I am.

Congratulate yourself on that.

Give yourself a vigorous pat on the back and don't forget to leave a message after the heavily distorted sample of a man saying, I just couldn't eat another bite.

I just couldn't eat another bite.

Hey sweetie, it's Carlos.

I know you're probably busy talking or not talking.

It seems like you're always talking or not talking, you know?

So I'll try again in a bit, but I just wanted to let you know what's up here.

What's up?

The sky.

Okay, okay, that is a funny joke, but it is also a scientifically accurate one.

I only tell scientifically accurate jokes.

I don't get how people can find inaccurate jokes funny.

Like, okay, so a horse walks into a bar and says, I feel used.

As a species even, I feel used.

And so then the bartender, who is also a horse, because, you know, this is the horse district where the horses live when they're not being used used by the humans and the horse bartender says, don't I know it, buddy?

And the first horse says, I'm not your buddy.

And then he says, man,

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

That was awful of me.

It's the anger.

So that's another example of a scientifically accurate joke.

Things are going really well here.

With the help of Doug and Alicia and the other members of the masked army that live in this strange desert otherworld, we've been starting to build out an infrastructure.

Of course, I had already set up a temporary lab, but now we've dug up the stones that were used in the old settlements up on the mountain and have been building important basics of life, like shelter and roads and bloodstone circles.

It's starting to look downright homey around here, if you ignore the disquieting wasteland beyond, so it's just like the rest of the world, really.

There's lots of material to work with, because get this, we've been just finding stuff lately.

Microwaves, toolboxes, old tennis balls.

They look like they've been here a while.

I'm not sure how this stuff ended up here, but I'm going to find out.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo with the definition of science straight out of Webster's dictionary.

So it'll say, quote, I don't know, but I'm trying to find out, okay?

End quote.

And then it'll have a skull and some roses.

Ooh, maybe an anchor to make it look old-timey.

Hmm.

I'm still working on how to get you here.

But I will.

How?

I don't know.

But I'm trying to find out, okay?

Okay?

Okay.

I love you.

Talk again soon.

Hey, Cecil, it's Michelle from Dark L Records calling.

The new

Woody Guthery album is in for you?

I can't believe you're still listening to that stuff.

He hasn't been cool since his Electro Punk period.

We're all listening to archival recordings of bees now.

Come in for your stupid album and I'll show you the bee sounds while you're here.

And maybe you could hang out for a while, because I'm lonely and I need more human contact.

Ugh, Woody Guthrie.

Hey, Cecil.

I know you said that I wasn't allowed to leave any voicemails on your phone, and you marched around the room waving your arms and saying, no, Steve Carlsberg, no voicemails.

And then you tried to convince me that voicemails aren't real, but you couldn't because I know what is what around here.

I know what is what

But anyways, I just wanted to make a quick call to see if Janice could stay with you in a few months Abby and I are looking at doing a nice little vacation.

You know just the two of us somewhere romantic like the warehouse district or the sand wastes or Arby's You of all people know how romantic a long weekend at Arby's can be which listen by the way I meant it as just a nice gift when I printed up all those t-shirts of you and Carlos there looking up at the lights.

And you got all weird about it, but I don't mind.

Sorry I made you upset again.

Just get back to me about the Janice thing or answer me on your radio show while ranting about me.

Either way is fine.

Hope everything's going well with Carlos.

Hope everything is just going.

Hope everything goes.

Hope it's gone.

We all do.

It's time for me to go.

Okie-dokie.

Cecil, Tamika Flynn here.

I'm calling to let you know that me and the rest of the missing children are having a book drive.

We're taking books and herding them out on the long trail.

Sleepless nights on our horses, books clear from our feet out to a horizon gone dusty with the dreary stomp of spine and page upon earth, the sad yelp of books taken in the night by coyotes or librarians.

I don't know how long we'll be gone.

But when my horse is neck deep in the Colorado and I'm watching the drowned carcass of some book that will never find a reader again float away on that relentless current, I'll think about you.

Also, it will probably be Thursday.

We'll be back Thursday.

We're not taking the books that far.

They can't walk and they're not even sentient, so this will be a short one.

Oh, gotta go.

Night film by Marisha Pessel is looking restless, and I'm worried it'll start a stampede.

Hi, it's me.

Sure, I'd love to come back and do another segment of cooking stuff with Earl Harlan.

I have have this great recipe for pumpkin pie.

There's so much less blood splatter than you would think.

But listen, I'm trying to schedule a little more time in my life for my son.

It's hard for both of us, what, with me having a full-time kitchen job, plus going straight from being a childless teenager to a middle-aged man with an 11-year-old.

I mean,

they have Sesame Street episodes about it that you can show your kid, but even with PBS's help, trying to explain how weird time is,

it's really hard.

Time is unimaginably weird.

My son's name is Roger.

I finally asked him, and he told me.

It was that easy, and it wasn't easy at all.

I gotta get back to the kitchen.

We have a lot of orders coming in, plus, it's on fire.

Cook with you soon, Cecil.

1788 eighty, eighteen

forty nine,

eighty six,

eighty, one,

sixty, eight.

'Cause I am a champion

and you're gonna hear me

eighty one

eighty

three

4.

Hey, sorry to call again so soon.

I know we talked about space and boundaries and all of that, especially with this whole lot 37 thing you're going through.

Gotta have time to think.

And Cease, I understand time to think, but I have made an important scientific discovery.

And you know the rules are different when an important scientific discovery is made.

An important scientific discovery is grounds to interrupt anything.

I found people

here in this desert otherworld.

We, me and the members of the masked army, saw human shapes coming towards us.

The masked army opted, as is their way, for something of a warlike response, but I convinced them that it was important to discover the facts before formulating a response, an idea to which Doug roared in a fearsome voice, that makes total sense.

Let's go chat with them and see what's up.

And here is, my sweet Cecil, what was up?

These people were citizens of Nightvale.

They had been lost from their home, as of today, for exactly two years, and they have apparently been wandering the desert since.

They are a tad traumatized by their years in a featureless wasteland accompanied only by a distant rumble and a bright light that they felt primarily in the roots of of their teeth.

And so they haven't told me yet how they got here, but I have them resting in the hot yoga studio we recently built, so I hope to hear their story soon.

And when I hear the story, you will too.

And then, you know, I'm sure everyone who listens to your show will, you'll blabber mouth.

You know, it would upset me if it weren't just who you are.

So much of each other would be annoying if it weren't also the essence of us.

Hmm.

Okay, more soon.

Hello, Cecil.

It's Dib, the sentient patch of haze.

I have some new ad copy I wanted to run by you, and then I want to disregard any petty human feelings you have about it.

And then I want to run the ad on the air.

Here goes, okay?

I drift above you.

I see mostly the top of your heads.

You are pitiful from that perspective.

Your hair droops or falls out or hangs flat.

I haze above you, sentiently.

You slug below me, humanly.

Sentient patches of haze.

We are the future.

We are also the past.

You aren't even the props.

You are the backdrop.

So, if you have any issues or questions at all about that ad, don't hesitate to not tell me.

Hope you're having a great day.

Okay, Cecil.

Bye-bye.

Hello, Cecil.

It's the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home.

I'm in your closet, listening to moths eat one of your suits.

They make such a lovely crunch and tear.

I just wanted to reach out in regards to you protecting your former intern Dana against Hiram and I's good work toward destroying her.

You foiled us more than once.

I won't forget that, Cecil.

I forget nothing.

Unlike you, your brain a dusty surface so easily blown clean.

My memory cakes on, it stains, it warps.

My memory is erosion, it is on the very surface of the earth.

Do you feel my fingernails on your back?

No,

you don't.

I could do so many things to you without you feeling it.

Remember that if you remember nothing else, which seems likely these days.

Tell Carlos I said hi.

I always liked him.

And stay out of my way, or I will destroy you, just as these moths I caught outside and carried into your closet are destroying all of your clothing.

Cecil, I'm here with Erica and Erica, just checking to see if we can get a ride to League Night later.

My car's in the shop because I stopped believing in it.

So, if you can fit us all in there, we'd appreciate it.

Also, I can't use my left hand lately, so it might be a little tricky, but we are still going to win.

We'll crush them Cecil.

Hi Cecil, it's me.

It's Dana.

I hope you're doing okay.

You seem kind of.

I mean, lately.

Lately you've been.

Isn't it weird how we talked more when I was trapped in that distant desert otherworld than now when we work a five-minute drive from each other?

It's funny how life works.

That word meant the opposite of its usual meaning.

That's funny, too, I guess.

I know you think I bought Lot 37,

but you're wrong.

I wasn't in Nightbale at the time.

Yes, I projected myself into the auction that day, but I only bought some collectible spoons and a Lee Marvin autographed baseball for my brother.

That's all, though.

It's awful when you can see the reasoning for someone's feeling toward you while knowing wholly that they're wrong.

I wonder sometimes if my double could have done better, or if I am the double, whether the original me would have done better.

Did I destroy my better half?

Then maybe I was lucky that even half of me was better once upon a time.

Cecil, I do my best with what I have.

I don't have much.

I hope we'll talk soon.

Nightbale needs me as much as it needs you, and when it comes down to it, I'll stand for that before anything else.

It's my job.

Okay.

Hey, okay, quick update and then poof, I'm gone again from your voicemail.

I've put some of the junk we've found and some of the people we've found in my lab, and I'm studying them using microscopes and vials of bubbling liquid, and me making thoughtful expressions and saying things like, hmm.

So I'm really using all of the available scientific tools right now.

Ooh, I feel like I'm on the verge of something big here, something new.

I'll call you soon.

This is so exciting.

Well, howdy, Cecil.

Frank Chin here.

Yes, Frank Chin.

With 100% certainty, that is who I am.

Right.

So, Frank Chin, normal human with one voice.

No other voices interrupting that main voice, making me sound anything less than human.

What's going on?

Someone put the phone near my ears.

I can't hear.

Well, there's that, busted.

Just normal Frank Chin playing a joke with funny voices.

Wanting to hear if the mayor told you any plans she might have.

I'm curious because I'm a citizen and a voter.

This was a bad plan.

I told you I didn't want any more to do with your foolish plans.

Purple, green, blue, gray, come on, guys.

We're in this together.

Just.

All right.

Frank Chen

average person of normal head amount saying goodbye.

See you around Cecil

Hello.

This is your daily update from the automated weather service.

Here is the current weather.

And you came home

with spray paints on your hands

And blood just dripping from your jeans

And you fell to the ground and said

I think they caught me Yeah, you said

I think they caught me

You said I think there was a camera up.

You said I think they're always watching.

And you used to skate for Jesus.

But now you think someone else oversees us.

All those pamphlets in your back

pocket

don't know.

And you broke your bones

For causes I'm not sure exist

And with the razor blade you sharpened up a ballpoint

And carved foreign phrases into your

wrist

And you said

I think they caught me

You said I think there was a camera on.

You said I think they know.

I love it watching.

And now

you're on the run.

And I'm not sure of being chased by anyone.

And you said, come with me.

And I said, okay.

Cause I would follow you.

I'd can follow you anywhere.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Thank you for using our automated weather service.

Have a nice day.

Cecil!

Cecil, I did it!

I understand.

I hooked everything up to computers and I said, hmm, a lot.

And then I asked the people to talk about how they ended up in the desert and it turned out that they were all lured into the dog park during poetry week.

And then the gates closed on them and they've been in this desert ever since.

And I thought about this.

I thought about how Dana came in here with them on that same day.

and about all of the stuff I found, which I think is junk that people got rid of by throwing them over the walls of the forbidden dog park.

And I realized,

this is the dog park.

This whole desert, the mountain, the light up on the mountain.

We're in a vast, perhaps endless and definitely endlessly forbidden dog park.

Which means you can visit now.

You just have to walk through that dog park gate and then

you know, walk a few more hundred miles after that to wherever we're at in this huge desert.

And then you'll be able to take that vacation here.

Call me as soon as you get this.

Cecil!

Oh honey voiced honey, you'll be able to visit.

Talk soon.

I love you.

Hey friend!

We haven't spoken in a while.

Not since all that unpleasantness happened.

I hope everything has been super pleasant since then.

Oh, but hey, I've been working on something I'd like to show you.

I think you'll be just jazzed about it.

Get back to me, ASAP, okay?

Until next time, Cecil.

Until next time.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin.

The voice of Michelle Wynne was Kate Jones.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin.

The voice of Tamika Flynn was Symphony Sanders.

The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton.

The voice of Faye was Molly Quinn.

The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinn.

The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson.

The voice of Old Woman Josie was Retta.

The voice of Mayor Cardinal was Josica Nicole.

The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Public.

The voices of the automatic phone service were Erica Livingston and Christopher Lohr.

The voice of Kevin was Kevin R.

Free.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was tagged by Scarves.

Find out more at scarvesmusic.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would be cool of you.

Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment.

There is the usual one named Bisquick who is missing one ear and is terrifying.

But today, I saw a second one who is fatter and less terrifying and who I've named the Baron.

I will keep you updated updated as events unfold.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, Must Season, and Casey Missed Thems.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.