58 - Monolith

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

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If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck,

you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, someone built a monolith in front of City Hall overnight.

Last night, there was no 15-foot-tall, two-foot-thick rectangle made of blue slate towering over the faded grass and weakened tulip garden in front of City Hall.

But now,

there is.

A monolith with indifferent geometry and a long sharp shadow cast by the low morning sun.

It is an ominous construction, channeling ancient powers and long-dead gods.

Perhaps it is even connected to our primordial, extraterrestrial ancestry.

And now,

just a few days before Christmas, this looming dark stone shows up mysteriously in the night, casting scornful shadows across both our dreams and our primitive understanding of the world.

It's super festive and I

love it.

Whoever put that thing up, good job.

It must weigh 20 tons?

Don't know how you did it, but way to get us all into the holiday spirit.

I talked to Carlos the other night, listeners.

He's still trapped in the...

Not trapped.

I told him I'd stop saying he's trapped in the desert of the world.

He is

doing work there.

He said after a few months of feeling helpless, he's made some friends, like the giant soldiers, Doug and Alicia, and even gotten a lot of research done.

He doesn't feel trapped at all.

I told him that he was locked in that alternate desert against his will and has been unable to return, so that seems to me like a pretty strong definition of trapped.

He said he used to feel that way, but now he no longer feels threatened by the rumbling beneath the sand or the strange armies that move about the beige wastescape, none of them fighting, only

wandering.

He feels like this desert, the most scientifically interesting place in the other world,

is where he needs to be for now.

He quoted that old adage When God closes a door, God opens a window, then God cracks a few knuckles, then God kicks a pine cone up the sidewalk, God also chews a whole bunch of gum, God recently quit smoking and is really fidgety.

Carlos used that classic saying to point out that this desert is a great opportunity for his career as a scientist.

And I respect that.

I asked if he found an old oak door with only one side that could possibly bring him back to nightvale.

He said he hadn't, but then

he asked,

Cecil,

if I find that doorway, would you, maybe,

come here again?

Just for a visit?

I want you to meet Alicia.

Alicia has a Bichon Frize the size of a Prius and is really into astronomy.

They also showed me some planets and comets they really like.

Also, the constellations change every night here.

There are new shapes of mythic heroes in the sky every night.

I'd love you to come visit, Carlos told me.

We'll see.

It does sound nicer than I remember, I said.

Neat, he said.

I'd love to be near Carlos again.

We've had a great time talking nearly every night, but it's...

hard to know how much meeting eyes or touching hands means until it's gone.

Plus, I could use a vacation.

Other than that brief escape through the same desert otherworld this spring, I don't think I've been out of Night Vale since

wow, um

Lufnarp?

Switzer.

Time flies.

Comma is weird.

Oh,

big

news.

This Wednesday afternoon is the opening ceremony of the revitalized Old Town Drawbridge.

Because of massive setbacks two years ago and a complete lack of a body of water that would even necessitate a drawbridge, The opening was delayed by 14 years,

including a budget increase of of over $20 million.

So, technically, we're still 12 years away from completion, but the City Council thought we might as well have the opening ceremony now.

We've already burned through the $20 million.

The City Council announced in unison via a conference call from a cruise ship.

The council were all wearing matching sunglasses and floppy hats and drinking a pastel liquid through long curly straws out of one large pineapple.

The opening ceremony will be held in a collective shared daydream Wednesday afternoon.

So, make sure you're doing something that is unchallenging both physically and mentally on Wednesday.

So, you can drift off into this fun community

dream event.

We're starting to get complaints about the new monolith that appeared overnight in front of City Hall.

The monolith has begun to

hover.

I mean, not by much.

Don't freak out over a hovering monolith.

It's like two or three inches, not a full foot or more.

The complaints, though, are not about the hovering.

They're about the placement of the monolith.

Our town, and country for that matter, was based on the separation of ancient long-dead religions and state.

Juanita Jefferson, head of the community organization, Night Vale or Nothing, announced her group's protest against a prominent symbol of old gods and possibly our primordial extraterrestrial origins being displayed on government property.

The city council retorted by slurping their cocktail loudly from the still active Skype connection on a nearby Acer laptop that no one knew how to turn off.

Jefferson added, Trees,

they

are

us,

then bit into a small metal pipe wrapped in a hot dog bun.

While she chewed, we could still hear her speaking clearly, Trees,

She said, her closed mouth moving in slow, undulating cast iron crunches.

Several others have come to Jefferson's side in this issue, claiming that while they still fervently worship old gods,

many showing off blood-stained shoes and sharp rocks wrapped in strips of flesh, they do not believe it is the government's place to express these beliefs so publicly.

Came the city council's reply from the computer.

More on this controversy as it grows out of hand.

But first, a word from our sponsor.

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And now an update on the monolith.

Some protesters have shown up at City Hall carrying signs against the monolith.

The signs read, no monoliths on city property, and then a slash through that phrase.

Which is confusing because that seems like a double negative, but when you look closely, there's also a line through the no part, so it's a triple negative, which reduces down to a single negative.

There are other signs that are just painted solid colors, so it looks like the monolith has lost the support of the abstract expressionist community as well.

Fortunately, the sheriff's secret police have already gently kettled the protesters into a fenced-in section of a distant parking lot where no one can see or hear their protests.

thus keeping public order and still allowing for freedom of speech.

A win-win.

Counter-protesters have also arrived in support of the monolith, demonstrating their distaste for people against the monolith.

They are holding signs that have a picture of a monolith, or

maybe it's the letter I or L

or the number one.

It's...

It's hard to say what with sans-serif fonts being all the rage these days.

Police have placed the counter-protesters into a pen next to the original protesters and covered both pens with an opaque and soundproof velvet drape.

Oh, we're getting word that the monolith is vibrating and loudly humming.

Also,

it's glowing.

But I don't know.

I can't feel or see that, so

not really my problem, now is it?

Let's have a look at sports.

The Nightvale High School Scorpions had a rough 2014 season.

It was capped off by a scandal involving junior running back Malik Herrera.

The Scorpions had to forfeit all wins in which Herrera played because he violated district rules by never truly existing.

One of the team's best defenders, senior safety Jessica Lexington, was sidelined most of the season with spinal parasites she got in late September after refusing to yield on a highway off-ramp.

Additionally, sophomore quarterback Henry Lexington, Jessica's younger brother, struggled in his first season as a starter.

By year end, he showed some improvement as Coach Nazar al-Mujahid worked with Lexington on holding the ball with his own hands and throwing the ball with his own arms,

not

other people's, as he had been doing early in the season.

But on the bright side, it looks like former Scorpions quarterback Michael Sandero has gone on to great success after graduation.

Many of you know Michael was recruited by a university called

Michigan Mit Mich

Michigan Michigan Michigan Michigan.

I am not a big sports fan myself, so I have no idea what state the University of Michigan is located in, but apparently they have just completed an an undefeated season with Michael as quarterback and will compete in the college football playoffs against another school called

Alabama.

Again, sounds like a private school.

I've never heard that name before.

Michigan is favored to win the title this year, and Michael is a front runner for the Heisman Trophy, given to college football's best player his control over weather elements and powerful pyrokinesis skills proved invaluable to a previously struggling Michigan offense

good luck Michael your hometown is cheering for you

an update on the glowing and shaking monolith

the earth below it has split open,

and the secret police have issued a statement saying they regret silencing the original protesters.

They have since let the protesters out, asking them to protest a little harder.

Also, protest closer to the monolith, okay?

The Secret Police shouted at the confused protesters whose eyes were still adjusting to the bright daylight after being in a dark pen all afternoon.

Try getting right up on the thing and protesting,

the officers called from behind their cruisers.

The secret police also asked counter-protesters to try talking to the monolith.

You like it so much, why don't you marry it?

The secret police teased, before adding, no, no, seriously, go talk to that thing, okay?

It is freaking us out.

But

all protesters

have scattered from the scene.

The monolith is now shaking violently.

I can...

I can hear it.

Here in the station.

I can feel it throughout my body.

My skin is

rattling.

I can see

the great green glow.

It is so bright, the cement walls of our station seem almost to be fading.

So, as our physical being becomes either rent into atomic mist or subsumed by a sphere of cosmic energy,

let me, in my final act as a tangible being,

bring you today's weather.

In the morning, with your warning, you were still in my head.

If you sever, you never even enter my head.

And I worry how I think of the things that we do.

Doesn't come close to what I seem to mean to you and me.

I don't do

anything

I want you to,

anything I want you to, but

just don't see

there's nothing that I want from you,

nothing ever want from you.

And you call me like you think you're gonna walk over.

And I'm busy, bad things to do, and my thoughts are sober.

No, I'll go.

I'll roll my eyes, and you'll be sighing.

How do you miss me?

But if I'd have breathing, I'd be lying by

anything I want you to,

anything I want you to, but

you just don't believe

there's nothing ever wrong from you,

nothing ever want from you.

I don't

know how many times

I can try and let you down easy.

I'll just

turn into your straight.

You should forget

about

me.

Cause

I know you do

anything I want you to,

anything I like to make

of this please.

I want nothing to do with you,

want nothing to do with you.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Well,

the monolith

split open.

There was a deafening crack of shattered stone, a flash of blinding light, the stench and taste of sulphur as we felt rocky dust settling upon our cowardly crouching backs.

In the hazy aftermath, we looked for the dead

and found

none.

We looked for the wounded and found

none.

We looked for damaged streets and buildings and found,

well,

we found

presents.

We found city streets strewn with gold wrapped toys and parcels of fine chocolates.

There were ornate bags filled with silk scarves and swirling gilded ribbons and glittery notes wishing every person in Night Vale season's greetings, along with gift cards to popular stores like Target and the Ralphs

and Hatred.

Look.

I hate to rant.

But given that Night Vale long ago abolished materialism,

this seems like a cruel holiday prank.

I'm glad no one was hurt, but this whole monolith thing was really annoying.

It was not a deadly threat to our city or our lives.

Merely a time-wasting tribute to the worst qualities of the old gods.

It took most of the afternoon to clean this mess up, but thankfully, it's all been swept away and dumped into the landfill.

The city council, upon hearing of the storm of holiday presents upon our town, swiftly and nobly returned from their tax-funded island vacation.

and offered their condolences for us having to witness this consumerist assault.

They reminded us that Santa is a CIA created myth and that the holidays shouldn't be about buying things or getting things or even giving things.

Christmas, they chanted in unison, is about being a little less distrustful of neighbors,

of casting our eyes down more respectfully when we pass hooded figures or people wearing some kind of official-looking firearm.

Christmas is about being at home with family.

Doors locked, everyone speaking clearly and within range of the hidden cameras.

At that moment, a low-flying police helicopter passed over City Hall, its searchlight frantically flashing across the terrified faces of every single citizen.

It was truly a magical Christmas moment, and the whole crowd winced with holiday cheer.

One

lone

person

asked,

but isn't Christmas a religious holiday?

Should the city really be promoting a religious holiday?

The city council quickly replied, not any religion that we're aware of, and the secret police kindly ushered that grumpy Scrooge off to a less public place.

Night Vale.

Sometimes we see something strange and different, and our first reaction is to loathe and fear it, to bring rage and scorn against its very being, but that's not the Christmas spirit.

This is the time of year we must learn to not shout down things we don't know or understand,

but simply

hide from them.

and later pretend they were never there

at all.

And today, we mostly did that.

We mostly did

good, Night Vale.

Maybe it will be a Merry Christmas for everyone.

Maybe this is an auspicious start to the holidays.

Hey,

that's the best part about the future.

Anything you want to be possible is possible.

As long as you don't think about it too hard.

Stay tuned next for the sound of something clawing its way out of your chest.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale's production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Anything I Want You To by The Rizzos.

Find out more at therizos.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcome to nightvelle.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.