59 - Antiques

Speaker 2 Did you know that Nightfall is not just a podcast, it's also books?

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 It's like movies for your ears, but in written word form. We have four script collections that are fully illustrated with behind-the-scenes intros for every single episode.

Speaker 2 And then we have three novels. The first Welcome to Nightfall novel, in which two women have their lives turned upside down by a mysterious man in a tan jacket.

Speaker 2 We reveal the origin of that, the man man in the tan jacket, and that one.

Speaker 2 Then the New York Times best-selling thriller, It Devours, in which we really try to get to the bottom of a certain smiling god.

Speaker 2 Finally, my favorite, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. Part Pirate Adventure, Part Haunted House, all Faceless Old Woman.

Speaker 2 Find the three novels and four script books wherever you get books. Okay,

Speaker 2 enjoy this episode of a podcast.

Speaker 1 Hi, this is Vin from the band Caged Animals.

Speaker 1 You've heard our songs Radio Down and Wildflowers on the weather, and I wanted to let you know that we've got a new album called Make Strange Friends, which blends nine character-driven songs with a nightvale-inspired radio play.

Speaker 1 If you're curious to hear it or pick up a copy on Ruby Red Vinyl, you can visit us at cagedanimals.bandcamp.com. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 1 keep driving around

Speaker 1 two feet from the street

Speaker 1 with the radio down.

Speaker 1 Don't turn it up for me.

Speaker 1 CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships. Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.
Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours?

Speaker 1 Reboot your inner piece and scream into a pillow. It's okay.
On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

Speaker 1 AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience. So breathe in and breathe out.

Speaker 1 Bad CRM was then. This is service now.
It's not darkest before the dawn.

Speaker 1 It's actually darkest after all the stars have gone out.

Speaker 1 It's very dark then.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 1 We begin this new year

Speaker 1 with some troubling news.

Speaker 1 Frances Donaldson, owner of the Antiques Mall, has reported that some of her antiques have escaped. She said that when she fed them this morning, they were all accounted for.

Speaker 1 But when she went back for the usual mid-afternoon watering, the fence had been cut and over half of the antiques were missing.

Speaker 1 They didn't escape. She corrected reporters who were just trying to talk to her a bit about what had happened.

Speaker 1 were just doing their best to help her out, and so didn't need to have their heads bitten off for using a different word, but whatever.

Speaker 1 They didn't escape, she said. They were set free.

Speaker 1 All surveillance cameras in the immediate vicinity, and this is not a particularly interesting or dangerous part of Night Vale, so there were only 344,

Speaker 1 had been disabled.

Speaker 1 or moved to point away from the antique's pen, or had their their tapes replaced with VHS cassettes full of Matlock episodes recorded and re-recorded over each other so that each tape shows ghosts of every Matlock at once.

Speaker 1 A single unified Matlock through the flicker and warp of video age.

Speaker 1 The Secret Police warn citizens that antiques are

Speaker 1 wild animals. And while generally friendly, their behavior can be

Speaker 1 unpredictable.

Speaker 1 If you see an antique, do not approach it. Simply put your hands over your chest, scream, we're all about to be eaten, and run blindly away.

Speaker 1 Although it's possible this may cause the antique to instinctually go into hunting behavior and chase you.

Speaker 1 We didn't bother to check. Look, we were kind of busy.
Was there something stopping you from doing this research?

Speaker 1 The sheriff's secret police concluded, before shaking their heads and melting back into the walls.

Speaker 1 Strexcorp Synernists Inc., the company you might remember as our former unfriendly overlords, or you might not remember them if your memory has been altered or erased.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Strexcorp is of course now owned by beings that are difficult to describe without using the illegal term angels, but who are all named Erika.

Speaker 1 As part of their continual process to turn the power of Strexcorp toward the betterment of our world, the Erikas have started started the process of releasing those people whose lives Strexcorp took possession of back during what could be termed its

Speaker 1 bad boy days or dystopian capitalist hell days,

Speaker 1 whichever you prefer.

Speaker 1 Among those released is Janice Rio from Down the Street, last seen entering a condo, which you should definitely never do. Never go into a condo.

Speaker 1 Also released, Lucy and Hannah Gutierrez, former owners of the former White Sand Ice Cream Shop. That's bankruptcy led to their lives being confiscated by Strex.

Speaker 1 They are looking well and fit.

Speaker 1 No worse for the wear than any ordinary person who is, say,

Speaker 1 imprisoned by the city council in the abandoned mineshaft outside of town for voting incorrectly on municipal elections.

Speaker 1 We all experience extra-legal, extended imprisonment at some point in our lives after all.

Speaker 1 They pledge to restart their ice cream shop and are currently running a Kickstarter to gather together the funds.

Speaker 1 In order to get better results, the Kickstarter is labeled as being for a blender you can plug an iPhone into to get real-time blending stats and earn blending points on the blending community.

Speaker 1 It is not actually for that, though. It's for an ice cream shop.
And I don't know about you, but I can't wait. to have another bite of that magical Gutierrez ice cream.

Speaker 1 Chad Boeinger, who lives in the shambling orphan housing development down by the haunted baseball diamond, said,

Speaker 1 It is a sadness what we do to each other.

Speaker 1 It is a weeping and a gnashing of teeth.

Speaker 1 I don't think this was in relation to Strexcorp or Kickstarter, but he walked by and said that to me, so I thought I'd throw it in. Thanks, Chad.

Speaker 1 And now another edition of the children's fun fact science corner.

Speaker 1 Stick out your tongue.

Speaker 1 Farther?

Speaker 1 Farther?

Speaker 1 Is that really as far as you can get it? I bet you can get it a little farther than that.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's like three feet.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 I expected an inch or so.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 now it's at five feet.

Speaker 1 How long is your tongue?

Speaker 1 How long is a tongue supposed to be?

Speaker 1 Can we get someone to check on that?

Speaker 1 This is starting to freak me out a little, your endless tongue. This was supposed to be a fun and challenging exercise, but now I'm questioning everything about myself and my life.
I'm I'm shivering.

Speaker 1 Your tongue is reaching out the door, it's down the street, it's rolling out of town.

Speaker 1 Look how far your tongue stretches.

Speaker 1 You have not done well, young child, but you've certainly done something.

Speaker 1 You certainly have,

Speaker 1 and somewhere the tip of your tongue is still rolling on,

Speaker 1 tasting a world that neither it nor you can see.

Speaker 1 Say,

Speaker 1 are you related to

Speaker 1 Never mind, that doesn't matter. Oh God

Speaker 1 O God, that

Speaker 1 that tongue

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 hideous,

Speaker 1 infinite tongue.

Speaker 1 This has been the children's fun fact

Speaker 1 science corner.

Speaker 1 There are many reports coming in about the missing antiques.

Speaker 1 People have seen antique tracks, have heard creatures rooting around in their garbage, grazing on their lawns, loping through their backyards.

Speaker 1 It has been difficult to tell which direction the antiques are moving because many of these reports contradict each other and most are likely people mixing up the antiques with other similar-looking animals like owls or hyenas or bacteria.

Speaker 1 Intern Maureen, Maureen, who has, all told, been intern longer than anyone I can remember. Well done, Maureen.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Maureen is back at school right now, so her friend Hector is taking over for a bit. Hi, Hector.
Great to have you on.

Speaker 1 Intern Hector is waving. He's saying hello.
He doesn't have a mic, so his hello doesn't exist for you.

Speaker 1 Nothing exists for you outside of my voice saying it does.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Hector, can you do me a favor and go check out what's going on with the escaped antiques? Reports are muddled, and we need someone on the ground, so to speak. In the ground.

Speaker 1 as they say.

Speaker 1 Buried deep in the earth, as the saying goes, to understand what's really going on here.

Speaker 1 Hector is nodding. Now that nod exists for you.
Goodbye, Hector. Until we see you again, very soon and very well, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 Now this.

Speaker 1 Imagine... A man.

Speaker 1 This is a simple command leading to millions of conceivable scenarios.

Speaker 1 Imagine this man.

Speaker 1 Every possible physical form, location, and condition that a man can be in.

Speaker 1 Perhaps this man has been dead, so long he is dust.

Speaker 1 Perhaps you are imagining dust, and perhaps you are not wrong.

Speaker 1 Imagine a a man.

Speaker 1 Imagine him.

Speaker 1 There is a buzzing light bulb above him.

Speaker 1 He is standing on what could loosely be called the porch of what could loosely be called a tin shack.

Speaker 1 The light bulb buzzes and buzzes.

Speaker 1 He looks up in irritation.

Speaker 1 You were wrong to imagine him as dust.

Speaker 1 Do you have him now?

Speaker 1 Do you know what he looks like?

Speaker 1 Imagine

Speaker 1 a man.

Speaker 1 Now.

Speaker 1 No, I'm sorry, no, you were incorrect.

Speaker 1 And so the weekly Find the Man I'm Thinking of contest will roll over to the next week.

Speaker 1 This is the three hundredth consecutive week without a winner, and the prize for next week will be the three hundred and one custom-made pencils that say, I won a thing.

Speaker 1 Ugh, I hope someone wins soon. The giant box of pencils here starting to get in the way of things.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 guess who's in the studio with me?

Speaker 1 Well, not actually with me, but projecting himself into our physical plane. That's right.
My favorite scientist and yours, but mostly mine. Carlos.
Hi, Cecil.

Speaker 1 Carlos, I know we just talked last night, but for the listeners, why don't you tell us what's new out in the desert otherworld you're tra oop uh the desert otherworld you're spending some time in.

Speaker 1 Well, I've been doing so much interesting research.

Speaker 1 I've learned the composition of the rocks, which are not of our world, and the composition of the components of the rocks, which are of our world, strangely.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to figure out how many stars there are. I mean, they're always changing size and position, but

Speaker 2 I do think there are a lot of stars.

Speaker 1 That sounds very scientific. Oh, it is so scientific.

Speaker 1 The most scientific.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever been more scientific, and you know how much I love science. Oh, yes.
I am

Speaker 1 also very into

Speaker 1 science.

Speaker 1 But I miss, you know, touching. I miss this.

Speaker 1 Listeners, you can't see, but I'm trying to hold his hand and my hand is just going through him because he's not actually here. I I know.
That's why I'm working on a way for you to visit.

Speaker 1 I think you'd like it here. It's super interesting, and there is so much science.
Plus, the people are way friendlier here. People in Nightfall can be a little.
No, I. I know.

Speaker 1 I suppose it couldn't hurt to take a little visit. But I need to be back at my radio desk soon.

Speaker 1 It can be difficult to ask station management for time off of work. Great.
So I'll let you know when I figure out exactly how to get you here.

Speaker 1 I cannot wait to see you in person again. Me neither.

Speaker 1 Cannot wait.

Speaker 1 Cannot. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Me neither. It's gonna be good.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 thank you so much for this highly relevant report that had important information for everyone in town.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Carlos. Bye, Cecil.

Speaker 1 Bad news, listeners.

Speaker 1 It seems that the antiques have gathered around City Hall and are behaving in threatening ways toward anyone trying to leave or enter.

Speaker 1 We are getting reports that while City Council has already safely evacuated using a rocket sled that they keep for this very purpose, Mayor Dana Cardinal is still trapped inside.

Speaker 1 The Sheriff's Secret Police are responding quickly by issuing press releases to explain why it's definitely not their job to deal with this situation because, frankly, it seems pretty dangerous and scary.

Speaker 1 They said that they have activated all available officers to work hard on deflecting responsibility away from them.

Speaker 1 As the Sheriff's Secret Police slogan goes, not our job, not our

Speaker 1 problem.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 1 I'm being told that the antiques have found a way

Speaker 1 into City Hall.

Speaker 1 The pack is entering the building. City Hall has been infiltrated by hungry antiques with no one left to protect our mayor.

Speaker 1 Who will protect Dana?

Speaker 1 Someone.

Speaker 1 Someone must.

Speaker 1 Will no one step forward?

Speaker 1 Will no one?

Speaker 1 Is anyone even listening to this?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What kind of town are we?

Speaker 1 What kind of town

Speaker 1 are we?

Speaker 1 Also, here's the weather.

Speaker 1 If there's a place for everyone, this watch a state of mind

Speaker 1 where it human jewels stand side by side

Speaker 1 with politics and discontent,

Speaker 1 angst and DIY

Speaker 1 grow into roots for the future

Speaker 1 into a place where people really care

Speaker 1 Where folks singers and grind golf fans can't stand the common ground

Speaker 1 You buy the same rope, creative drive

Speaker 1 Something more than power cards and beats in double time

Speaker 1 Uncompromised self-expression

Speaker 1 just to a place where people

Speaker 1 really care

Speaker 1 This is my friends and our new family

Speaker 1 One build of bonds and the common feelings of me

Speaker 1 And when my life has choked the last of me

Speaker 1 This time

Speaker 1 was so mine.

Speaker 1 Western the conventions as we build communities.

Speaker 1 Innovation rise from free ideas.

Speaker 1 Worldwide dedication gives you reason to believe

Speaker 1 far beyond profits and deadlines

Speaker 1 in a place where people really care.

Speaker 1 This is my friends and our new family.

Speaker 1 One filled on bonds and the government below

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 And when my life has choked the last of me,

Speaker 1 this time was

Speaker 1 mine.

Speaker 1 And there will be no

Speaker 1 gods,

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 masters and no

Speaker 1 God

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 masters and no

Speaker 1 God

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 masters and no

Speaker 1 masters

Speaker 3 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies just to see if you could save some cash? Well, Progressive makes it easy.

Speaker 3 Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies.

Speaker 3 The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket. Visit progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save.
Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Speaker 3 Potential savings will vary, Not available in all states.

Speaker 1 Well, listeners.

Speaker 1 Well, well, listeners.

Speaker 1 It seems...

Speaker 1 It seems that all is...

Speaker 1 well.

Speaker 1 We don't know how, but our beloved mayor is safe once again.

Speaker 1 A person of unknown identity appeared on the scene, running into the city hall and single-handedly defending the mayor's office against the pack of antiques.

Speaker 1 This was.

Speaker 1 foolish of that person. That person could have been killed or gravely wounded.

Speaker 1 Maybe they were.

Speaker 1 We don't know who the person is or where they went.

Speaker 1 And so their fate is as non-existent as anything else I do not or cannot voice.

Speaker 1 Mayor Cardinal gave a message of thanks,

Speaker 1 saying,

Speaker 1 Whoever you are,

Speaker 1 thank you.

Speaker 1 I do not speak for the town or for the city government.

Speaker 1 I speak for myself,

Speaker 1 as a person, as a human full of blood and worry,

Speaker 1 thank you

Speaker 1 for keeping me safe,

Speaker 1 she said.

Speaker 1 Pamela Winchell, director of emergency press conferences, held an emergency press conference in which she added to the mayor's statement by saying,

Speaker 1 Clouds are the belt of the sky. Cinch them tighter.
Make the clouds go tighter, make the sky come closer,

Speaker 1 before hurling herself into the sky until she was just a dot in the upward distance.

Speaker 1 So that seems to be another crisis averted.

Speaker 1 Albeit in a sudden and, if I may be frank as a journalist, narratively unsatisfactory way.

Speaker 1 Perhaps we will never know who that unknown savior is,

Speaker 1 or

Speaker 1 who the unknown liberator of the antiques was.

Speaker 1 Perhaps we will never know anything.

Speaker 1 We have certainly never known anything yet.

Speaker 1 Oh, but wait. Oh, intern Hector is returning.
Um, hey Hector, did you see who the unknown benefactor was? Uh, do you have any information?

Speaker 1 Oh no,

Speaker 1 Hector.

Speaker 1 He is

Speaker 1 Hector.

Speaker 1 He is holding up his arm.

Speaker 1 There is a

Speaker 1 tear

Speaker 1 in the skin, a deep and jagged oval.

Speaker 1 He has been

Speaker 1 bitten.

Speaker 1 Oh, Hector.

Speaker 1 It was you,

Speaker 1 wasn't it?

Speaker 1 I sent you to report and instead you involved yourself and

Speaker 1 I thank you for doing so. Ordinarily that would be a violation of journalistic standards which clearly say we should never help when we could merely watch, but Dana,

Speaker 1 Dana is a friend of mine, and so

Speaker 1 I thank you for ignoring our sacred rules just this once.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, I wouldn't have thought Hector was the type to do something like that, or

Speaker 1 even physically strong enough to fight off an entire pack of antiques, but

Speaker 1 people can surprise you. That is one of the things that people can do.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 1 Hector.

Speaker 1 that bite.

Speaker 1 You know what happens to someone who is bit

Speaker 1 by an antique.

Speaker 1 Hector is

Speaker 1 unable to speak.

Speaker 1 Has been unable to speak since he arrived.

Speaker 1 Listeners,

Speaker 1 of course,

Speaker 1 anyone bitten by an antique

Speaker 1 becomes an antique themselves.

Speaker 1 Oh, Etern Hector, if only there was something I could do for you.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 is transforming.

Speaker 1 And his body is elongating

Speaker 1 and lowering.

Speaker 1 His shoulders turn to haunches,

Speaker 1 his arms to wings,

Speaker 1 his feet to bladed multi-legs. He is becoming an antique before my eyes, and I can do nothing for him.
For this brave young person who saved my dear friend Dana.

Speaker 1 Hector.

Speaker 1 He is out of sight now.

Speaker 1 I can hear only a click

Speaker 1 and a shuddering movement.

Speaker 1 We must have fully transformed into an antique.

Speaker 1 Hector?

Speaker 1 Hector?

Speaker 1 Is there

Speaker 1 any trace of your old self left?

Speaker 1 Or are you already

Speaker 1 hunting me?

Speaker 1 How good are the bolts on the studio door? He

Speaker 1 can't come in here, can he?

Speaker 1 I hear a rattling in the ceiling.

Speaker 1 And there is a clear

Speaker 1 viscous substance dripping onto my desk. I dare not look for its source.

Speaker 1 Coming up next,

Speaker 1 hopefully,

Speaker 1 the sound of my successful escape from this room. Ah!

Speaker 1 Who just touched me? Hector!

Speaker 1 Hector!

Speaker 1 Well, this is it.

Speaker 1 One way or another.

Speaker 1 Here I go, listeners, and here you go.

Speaker 1 Off into radio silence, into places and times where my voice can no longer guide you. Good night, Night Vale.
Good night.

Speaker 1 I made it!

Speaker 1 I totally made it! I'm fine! I'm fine!

Speaker 1 To the family and friends of Intern Heck!

Speaker 4 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.
The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Speaker 4 The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. Original music by Disparition.
All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com. This episode's weather was State of Mine by Stoy Snock.

Speaker 4 Find out more at music.stoysnock.com. That's S-T-O-J-S-N-A-K.

Speaker 4 Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Speaker 4 Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightfail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

Speaker 4 That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb.
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.

Speaker 1 Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Speaker 1 Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Speaker 1 Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts. Boo.