43 - Visitor

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.

Once upon a mundane morning, Barbs Day got busy without warning.

A realtor in need of an open house sign, no, 50 of them, and designed before nine.

My head hurts.

Any mighty tools to help with this punt?

Aha!

Barb made her move.

She opened Canva and got in the groove.

Both creating canvas sheets.

Create 50 signs fit for suburban streets.

Done in a quick, all complete.

Sweet.

Now, imagine what your dreams can become when you put imagination to work at canva.com.

Listen to your heart.

heart.

You can hear it deep under the earth, creaking and heaving,

with roots snapping and birds flapping quickly away.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, there's a visitor in my studio today.

No one you know, no one I know, not even a thing you or I know.

It is...

Um, I am unsure what it is.

Let me describe it.

Imagine a duck.

but just the eyes, no, larger than that.

Really large duck eyes.

Now imagine fur, puffy fur, like a bear cub.

Soft and tan, and a thick round belly, and no real discernible arms or legs, just little nubs that flit about as it slowly moves across the floor.

Oh my god, it's adorable.

I wish you could see this thing.

Oh!

It just made a noise.

Did you hear that, listeners?

Like a mouse squeak meets a bike horn, meets a sincere question about love.

Oh, what a cute surprise.

Many of you remember a couple years back, We here at the station found a stray cat in the men's restroom.

We named him Koshak.

Koshak is still in the men's bathroom as he always has been, and presumably always will be, hovering exactly four feet off the ground at a fixed point in space.

Koshek has been a real anchor for us here at the station.

We built him a special litter box and feeding dish because of his distinctive physical state.

And I have just been in love with that cat.

I've never been a cat guy, but Koshek, ah, he's the sweetest boy.

Now, this new

whatever,

it doesn't move much.

His big dark eyes, oh god, they're so charming, just staring, pleading.

Well, it's not really doing much.

I think it's scared.

Let's let it be for now, and I'll get us to the news.

Controversy is plaguing the mayoral race here in Nightvale.

After Pamela Winchell announced her surprise resignation from the post last spring, two frontrunners for Nightvale Mayor have been polling neck and necks.

The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home and Hiram McDaniels.

who is literally a five-headed dragon.

Supporters of the faceless old woman are claiming that while officially acquitted of insurance fraud, evidence suggests that Hiram is in possession of a stolen truck.

They checked the registration of his vehicle and found that it belonged to one Frank Chen,

who was found dead nearly two years ago.

Frank's body was covered in claw and scorch marks, and the coroner gave the cause of death as dragon, at least three heads.

Hiram denies that he stole the truck and says that Frank is a friend and is totally not dead.

Frank was probably just fooling around with all those weird injuries, McDaniels claimed.

His campaign fired back at the faceless old woman, saying that since her origin is lost to distant history and she has no birth certificate, she is not able to prove that she's an American citizen.

Election Day is June 15th.

Votes will be cast, but not tabulated, as the mayor is, of course, decided by counting and interpreting the loud pulses coming from Hidden Gorge.

Let's have a look now at traffic.

There's a silver pickup, full-sized, well-worn,

tall,

long.

The windows are gray with dry dirt.

The tires are lined with firm tread.

Inside sits a man, full-sized, well-worn, tall.

He has a hat and some denim.

His face is lined with firm tread.

His mind is gray with history.

He doesn't remember things.

This does not mean he can't.

It means he doesn't.

He just looks at what is in front of him.

He deals only in the present.

The past dictates his disposition.

but the present is the only thing he can see.

Cars, people,

animals, trees, mud, a telephone, a telephone that rings sometimes.

A telephone that rings and shows a name he knows,

but he does not pick up.

That name is not part of his present.

Forgiveness and memory are too inextricable to, say,

answer a phone.

Brake lights.

He slows.

He drives carefully.

He drives in the moment.

He is a good driver.

He is good at lots of things.

The phone rings.

He is not good at everything.

This has been

traffic.

Wow, this little creature is so shy.

I tried placing a cup of water on the floor, but it just won't move.

It just stares at me from the corner with its giant duck eyes.

Just stares at me, motionless.

Really cute, though.

Wait, I think it moved.

Here, boy.

Or girl, or either.

Come get get some water.

Come here.

You're so cute.

So, so, so, so, so cute.

Nope.

Didn't move.

But its eyes followed me as I moved in my chair.

Or did they?

They're just solid black.

All pupil.

Like a

what?

A spider?

Well, that'd be weird.

There are some other dark dots around its face.

Could be eyes, but no, I don't think it's...

Oh!

Wait.

That noise again.

Listen.

Oh!

Well, whatever it is, it is cute.

Or weirdly cute.

Or just weird.

Okay, let's have a look at the community calendar.

This Wednesday night, the Nightvale Community Theater will be holding auditions for the musical Into the Woods.

Interested thespians should bring night vision goggles, glass cutters, a breathable ski mask, and quiet shoes to the first Night Vale bank.

On Thursday, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will open their new exhibit called Thought Crimes.

Anyone who attends the exhibit is obviously interested in learning about forbidden technologies and will be arrested immediately.

Tickets are available on the museum website and here's a tip.

They can't arrest you for buying tickets if you're in your own home.

They can,

however, use tear gas to flush you out and then arrest you.

Friday afternoon, the staff of Dark Owl Records Records will be wearing black pants and chainmail veils.

Saturday night is the grand opening of Nightvale's newest restaurant, Tourniquet,

featuring executive chef Lachon Mason,

who was previously a sous chef for Nightvale's top-rated fine dining establishment, Shame.

Lachon hopes to bring classical French cooking into the 21st century with a mix of molecular gastronomy and human remains.

Tourniquet offers a prefix menu for $35

featuring choice of appetizer, entree, dessert, and sudden awareness of a hideous, suppressed memory.

Sunday morning is.

Period.

It just is.

Okay, listeners.

I think I finally got this thing to trust me.

It waddled over here just a moment ago.

Oh, so cute the way its bulbous square of a body moves.

It came right up to me and let me pet it.

I'm petting it now, and it's purring, I think, or humming, or buzzing

oh what a cuddly little addition to our station this thing will make

um

what should we name it

I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or maybe genderless like the future humans who visited nightvale in the 1950s with their time travel technology which was then outlawed until last year oh my

god listeners

It's hugging my leg.

It's hugging my leg.

This is the cutest thing.

I have got to get a photo of this.

Let me get my phone from my bag.

If I could just.

Oh, God.

You're really heavy.

I can't seem to move from this spot here, ladies and gentlemen.

And the little guy or gal doesn't seem to want to let go.

You're so strong.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

We've received an update from Carlos and his team of scientists about the house that doesn't exist.

The one in the Desert Creek development.

It looks like it exists.

Like it's right there when you look at it.

And it's between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not.

But it doesn't actually exist.

The scientists have been carefully monitoring John Peters, you know, the farmer, who has been standing alone in the house for weeks.

The house is completely empty except some photographs on the wall.

Each one seems to be of a lighthouse.

The scientists Long too scared to open the door, finally got the nerve to go up to the house and try.

It was locked.

They shook the handle, hard at first, violently at second, pounding and yelling at third.

And those observing John from the window saw no change in his behavior.

The door slammed open, and a woman answered, What do you want?

She shouted at the scientists.

We wanted to see what that man was doing in there?

One of them meekly replied.

What man?

The woman said.

I live alone.

And looking in from the front door, they could see a room of the same shape and size as the one John Peters, you know the farmer, had been standing in.

The room was full of chairs and a couch and plants, and a table, and photographs, but none of lighthouses.

Most of faces.

Faces similar in form to the woman's at the door.

The scientists who were at the window could see John standing in the empty room looking at lighthouses.

The woman said her name was Cynthia, and she'd lived there for 19 years.

The scientists left her alone, returning quietly to the lab.

Carlos added that the Desert Creek housing development was only three years old.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh,

listeners,

I think I've been bitten by this thing.

Oh, oh god, ow!

I can see blood.

Get off!

Get off!

Ow!

I need to go wash this.

Um, let's go now to a word from our sponsor.

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And what if I told you that your gauzy reflection looked perfect?

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We all would.

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And what if I told you your perfect self hated your imperfect self?

And as the smiling god smiled wider, you could see a tongue pressing through the teeth, thick and pink and gray and wet.

And what if I told you you could see your imperfect self in the shining sheen of the bulging tongue, and in your reflection you were slack and sallow and maybe bleeding a lot.

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Listeners.

I'm on my cellphone calling from the men's bathroom.

I had intern Jeremy patch me into the board so I can still broadcast.

That

thing

tried to follow me in here as I limped down the hall.

I was able to outrun it, but I've had to use the deadbolt on the bathroom door to keep it out.

All this talk about Koshak today.

And here he is.

Hi, baby boy.

That thing is nothing at all like you.

It...

The door's come off its hinges.

It's gotten in.

I'm gonna duck into the stall.

I'm peering now under the walls

and see nothing.

I'm standing now on the commode and looking over the walls

and see nothing.

Listeners, the only thing more terrifying than seeing the devil is no longer being able to see the devil.

Perhaps I should be quiet.

Intern Jeremy,

can you, one,

call animal control?

And two, take us now to the weather.

What was that?

No.

No, no.

Goshik, what have you done to my cat, you monster?

Jeremy, take us to the weather.

You come here, you son of a.

heart on a run,

keeps a hand on the gun.

You can't trust anyone.

I was so sure

what I needed was more.

Tried to shoot out the sun

days when we raged, we flew off the page.

Such damage is done.

But I've made it through

to somebody near I was meant for someone.

So, girl, leave your boots by the bed.

We ain't leaving this room.

Someone needs medical help for the magnolia.

It's cold in this house, and I ain't going out to chop wood.

So cover me up

and know you're enough

to use me for good.

Put your faith to the test when I tore off your dress

in a rich man on

eye

I sobered up, and I swore off that stuff

forever this time.

Could your lover sing?

I thought it'd be me

helped him get home.

But home was a dream,

one I'd never seen,

till you came along.

So go hang your dress up to dry.

We ain't leaving this room.

The pursey priest breaks open wide and the river runs through

carries this house on the stones like a piece of dripwood.

Cover me up

and know you're enough

to use me for good.

Some girl leave your boots by the bedroom, leaving his room

to someone needs medical

help or the magnomia's It's cold in this house, and I ain't going out to travel, no Lord.

So cover me up,

and know you're not

to use me for good.

Cover me up

and know you're not

to use me for good.

Listeners,

oh God, listeners.

Koshak has been hurt

very badly.

Animal control came and took him to a hospital.

They think he will live.

They think he will live

differently.

They think there will be significantly less of him physically and mentally,

but he will live.

He is my boy.

He is my buddy.

I love him so much.

And this

thing,

this thing

comes here and

yes.

Yes.

Let me tell you about this thing, this awful beast.

After I saw it tear Koshak from his fixed point

and bite into his side, I kicked it.

And I kicked it again

and Jeremy helped me pin it down and Animal Control tried to sedate it and I wanted to

beat it to death with a hammer but I had no hammer

only self-control

Animal Control tried to inject it with their delicious poisons but they stopped.

They said,

we can't.

We can't inject.

It is

a machine.

And they flipped its switch and it died.

And I have never been so relieved to be safe and so

disappointed to be shorted my vengeance.

Our new program director, Lauren,

came in and wanted to know why we destroyed my gift.

My gift?

I asked.

It's your birthday,

she replied.

Daniel and I and the whole Strex Corp management team got you that

Strex pet.

Because we know you love animals so much.

And I replied, but it's a machine.

A bio-machine, she retorted.

And it's not my birthday, I mumbled as animal control took Koshek away.

I'm going to go now.

Go see my Koshak.

He should be out of surgery in half an hour or so, and I'm sure he will live.

I'm sure he will float again at a fixed point exactly four feet up in the men's bathroom of our community radio station.

I'm sure there is vengeance to be found.

I'm sure I will find it.

I'm sure I just have to find the right recipient.

Stay tuned next for the sound of your own thoughts.

Broadcast live on the radio for all to hear.

And as always,

good night.

Night Vale.

Good night.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Kevin was Kevin R.

Free.

The voice of Joseph Fink was Judy Garland.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Cover Me Up by Jason Isbell.

Find out more at jasonisbell.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb, you won't sleep when you're dead, either.

Hi, we're Meg Bashmanner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows: the episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat, and also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best worst available wherever you get your podcasts.