44 - Cookies

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

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All that glitters is not gold.

Particularly that thing over there.

That's maybe a giant insect of some sort.

It's really too dark to tell.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I am not a good salesman.

This is why I am a radio host, listeners.

Because while I like to talk to people, a real people person, it says in Russian at the bottom of my college degree, I don't like to shape a conversation toward buying and selling.

I like to tell people stories, stories that affect them.

allowing my listeners to process the stories in their own unique ways.

I don't want to directly tell them how to think.

I am not a good salesman.

That being said, I have Girl Scout cookies.

Please, if you want some, come on up to the station.

My niece, Janice, joined the Girl Scouts last year, and I have box upon box of caramel delights, thin mints, and those lemon ones.

There are also quite a few few of these new cookies in very heavy unmarked black boxes that I think are made entirely of metal.

And there's one box that's a five foot by five foot wooden crate with air holes cut into the top and peanut butter patties scrawled on it in permanent marker.

I can hear breathing inside.

I know people normally order the cookies first, and then get them delivered weeks later, but sometimes a mother goes out of town, and the stepfather isn't on top of his stepdaughter's extracurricular activities, and then the child doesn't know how to sell cookies on her own.

So the kindly uncle with a busy radio job has to step in and buy up a bunch of boxes so she can go camping with her friends while you continue to disappoint everyone with your inattention to detail and sports gambling and idiotic taste in shoes, Steve Carlsberg.

Yes, Steve, this is how things sometimes happen.

Anyway, listeners, these cookies are delicious.

And I had to buy a lot of them.

There is is barely any room here in the studio or in my producer Daniel's booth.

So, buy some cookies.

Please help us.

It is difficult to move, actually.

Sorry, I am not a good salesman.

Many of you have written in asking about our station cat.

Koshek.

He was attacked by an animal that our stupid

that our evil

that our station management let in the building for some careless reason.

Well, Koshek is on the mend.

He lost his right eye.

His legs are healing, but he's missing part of his front left paw, and will walk with a limp.

He's at the vet today to have the feeding tube removed.

It's fine.

He is

fine.

Oh, here's something nice though.

Koshek spent his whole life floating four feet off the ground at a fixed point in the men's bathroom here at our station.

He never moved from there until he was attacked.

I hate to think much about the pain he's been in while healing from broken bones and severe lacerations, but, listeners, I got to hold Koshak for the first time last week.

I got to pick him up, hug him, carry him around my home.

Carlos is allergic to cats, but I bought him some clariton, so he'll be fine while Koshak heals.

Thanks for all your concerns, dear listeners.

It's wonderful to have him back.

Oh, hey!

Janice's Girl Scout cookies have really been moving.

The guys in sales just came by and bought some classic shortbread cookies.

The guys were all wearing matching suits and wool hats, and they threw the boxes of cookies back and forth to each other while shouting, Hop!

and catch and look alive, Sean,

as they jogged back to their cubicles.

All of the guys in sales are named Sean.

So, if you like delicious cookies, come on up to the station.

I already bought all these cookies with my own money, but I told Janice I would donate back all the proceeds from selling these boxes.

So, it's kind of an extra gift to the Girl Scouts of Nightvale.

Several listeners and co-workers have bought cookies, but

no one one from station management yet.

It's really nice when you have the support of your management.

I mean, let's be honest.

No job is perfect, and relationships between bosses and employees aren't always friendly.

You're going to have disagreements, of course, little disputes, sometimes big disputes, enormous ones.

But you get over those things.

You forgive and forget.

Only to retract both and be filled with vindictive rage and unrelenting memories of the pain brought upon you.

Such are the difficulties of professional life.

Sure, do hope station management steps it up here.

We're all friends after all.

Looking at you in the booth there, Daniel.

Oh listeners, Daniel is blushing.

He is very, very red.

You have a lot of blood, Daniel.

Listeners, I really mean that.

Daniel looks to have a lot of blood.

Let's have a look now at traffic.

Cecil!

Hello?

Listeners, I just saw a glimmer, a flicker of something here in the studio.

One moment there was simply a wall and a floor and air, and then in another moment there was a shape of a person, of a woman, a Cecil!

It's your former intern.

It's me, Dana.

Dana, where are you?

When are you?

For right now, I am here in the studio, but I'm also still trapped in the desert near near the mountain, near the lighthouse.

But I'm learning more about how this works.

If I turn my head just right, I can not only see places, but I can be places.

I can't do it for long, but it's amazing where I can go, when I can go.

I've been visiting with John Peters, you know, the farmer, who appears here from time to time.

I met briefly one of your former interns, Maureen, who flicks in and out of existence here.

I've even made friends with some of the men and women of this nationless army that wanders about the desert.

Dana, I am so glad you're here now.

I haven't heard from you in months.

I told your mother and brother I saw you and you were safe and that you love them very much.

Yes, I know.

Thank you, Cecil.

And do you know what?

Today is my brother's birthday.

He's 26 today, and I used the lighthouse and my new abilities to go visit him.

I finally got to see my family again, very briefly.

That's great news, Dana.

But here's what happened, and this is...

Well, when I appeared in my mother's home, I saw my mother.

I saw my brother.

I saw their friends.

I saw a cake.

And the cake said, happy 33rd birthday.

And I was confused because he is only 26.

And I saw a woman standing near my brother.

She wore a suit.

She had short, natural hair.

She stood up straight.

She glowed.

She looked important.

I recognized her.

And then my brother saw me standing there, and my mother saw me standing there, and others saw me standing there, and they began to cry.

But they were fearful tears, turning into shouts and screams.

Some people ran from the room.

My mother couldn't come near me.

I said, Mom, it's me, Dana.

And I held out my arms and tried to step toward her.

And no one could control their fear, their cries.

No one could move.

But the woman next to my brother, she was smiling.

She knew.

She stepped toward me and in that moment I saw who it was.

I knew who it was.

It was me, Cecil.

She, I, it must have been 29 if my math is good.

And she, I, turned to my...

Our mother and said, it's okay.

It's okay.

And she held her hands up, and people went silent.

People listened.

And she told the room who I was, who she was, who we were, and what had happened, or for me, what will happen.

And the tears turned from fear to relief to joy.

And we embraced.

You saw yourself.

You saw your older self.

You should have seen the way everyone looked at the older me, Cecil.

They

admired me.

They saw me for someone else.

I must be important in my future life.

I must have a good job or be a significant part of society.

I must have become something.

I tried to ask what I was to become, but I began to blink out of that time and place.

And I was back in the desert, more alone, less important.

You have always been important.

You have always been something.

Age just reveals the facts that always were, Dana.

Experience uncovers the you that always was.

I am glad to know that you will be safe.

That you will come home.

That...

Dana?

You just flickered.

I...

I can't see you.

I can't stay any longer.

I'm always going somewhere.

Someday I won't have to go.

I will just be in the place that I am.

Our time and space will match again someday, Cecil.

And I am glad to know that.

Oh, tell Maureen hi.

Goodbye, Cecil.

The Night Vale Highway Department is asking all motorists to please turn on your headlights when driving through construction zones.

If you see workers, please turn on your headlights.

If If you see workers in orange vests and black balaclavas holding large metal devices that look like miniature satellite dishes and whispering coded instructions into walkie talkies, while low hovering disc shaped aircraft of the like you have never seen before zip about quickly overhead, please turn on your headlights.

Please for the safety of our workers, slow your vehicle.

Please turn on your headlights and slow your vehicle.

Slow your vehicle with your headlights clearly in the on setting to a crawl.

Come to a complete stop.

For the safety of our highway workers and their vast interplanetary secrets, please get out of your vehicle and walk toward the hum.

You will hear a loud humming from above.

Please, follow the humming until you are completely lifted from this earth, from this world,

never to return.

Well, to return eventually, but not to this time.

To a completely different time.

Maybe millennia from now, maybe millennia ago.

Who knows?

You will

eventually.

This public service announcement has has been brought to you by the Nightvale Highway Department.

Good news, listeners.

Daniel is telling me that Strexcorp and the whole management of the station is very excited about my support of the Girl Scouts of Nightvale, and they want to buy every box of Janice's cookies.

In fact, Lauren Mallard, our program director and Strexcorp executive, is back again, here here in my studio with an announcement to make.

Thank you, Cecil.

Strex Corp has long been a supporter of community organizations and the Girl Scouts, with their commitment to teaching young girls about nature, surviving in nature, controlling nature with their minds, radiation immunity, and advanced knife fighting skills, are an important institution here in Knightvale.

Not just for our women leaders in the future, but also for StrexCorp right now, here in the present.

The Girl Scouts not only have a great reputation for for youth leadership training, but a pretty extensive database of nearly every girl in Night Vale.

Their names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and skill levels at various talents, like oil painting or parasailing, or library science, or slingshots, or helicopter piloting.

It sure would be nice to know where the young ladies are who are good at helicopter piloting.

Very few young girls are trained to fly helicopters.

We'd like to hunt down or...

weird phrasing.

Scratch that.

We'd like to find and meet these talented girls.

So, Strexcorp is proud to announce that they have purchased the Girl Scouts of Night Vale and will also be taking over management of the organization immediately.

Thank you, Nightvale.

We look forward to leading your children.

Daniel, can you help me carry these cookies out of here?

Um, thank you, Lauren, for that.

You know, Cecil, I was never a Girl Scout myself, but I can say I am thrilled to support your endeavor to help bring your niece.

I'm sorry, what was her name again?

I don't know.

Janice.

Yeah.

It was Janice.

I love the way you are taking part in Janice's life.

You must really care for her.

Yes, with all my heart, but I don't.

I know what you were about to say.

It's my favorite part of your show.

Can I do it?

Just this once.

I've always wanted to do it.

How exciting.

Thank you, Cecil.

Listeners, I take you now to the weather.

Your heart is beating,

I can see it.

I have never felt quite so betrayed.

Your love is bleeding,

I can hear it

saying,

Darling, come to bed.

I don't need it,

don't want to see it.

Knew you were gone the moment that you spoke.

But I don't hear it,

I just hear the

words we said so long ago.

I think we're haunted.

I can hear the echoes of the past.

Thought I could forgive you.

But it's funny how long this pain can last.

I think we're haunted,

and I would give anything to forget and give you what you've wanted

so I can stop living and regret.

I think we're wanted.

I can hear the echoes of the past.

Thought I could forgive you.

But it's funny how long this pain can last

I think we're haunted

And I would give anything

to forget

And give you what you've wanted

So I can stop living in regret

My heart is wilting.

I can feel it.

I have never felt so

hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

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It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

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It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I just talked to Janice, listeners, to tell her we sold all the cookies.

And she is very happy about the upcoming camping trip.

She is a sweet child who loves the outdoors.

Thank you, listeners and station co-workers.

No thank you to Steve Carlsberg, who couldn't be bothered.

Thank you,

I guess, to Strexcorp for contributing to a great cause.

Please, continue the great work of the Girl Scouts.

Please, they are a good organization and they deserve so much better.

They deserve so many good things.

I hope all of the girls out there are safe on their upcoming camping trip.

There are not many places to hide in the desert, girls, but you're very innovative.

I mean for playing tag, of course.

I mean for simple games, of course.

Not for

self-preservation or

well-thought-out strategic attacks on a highly organized enemy.

You would never need to hide for those reasons.

Why would I even say that?

Why would I say anything?

Words.

No.

These are just strange noises I'm making with my face.

Strange noises.

And for the rest of you, what do you need?

Did you get your cookies yet?

Are you nourished by a couple of dollars given to a good cause in exchange for some sugary treats?

Do you feel you have done enough to help young women?

A specific young woman with helicopter skills, to achieve great things in a town that needs now more than ever great things achieved?

Did you do enough with your cookie purchase to actualize what you believe in?

To empower kids who will one day rise up and speak a great truth while waving tear-stained copies of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonnets from the Portuguese?

Did you?

I'm sorry, I am not a good salesman.

Oh, and now it's time to go pick up Koshek from the vet, listeners.

Stay tuned next for a lifetime of self-questioning, followed by conflicting answers from an unreliable source.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Dana was Josica Nicole.

The voice of Lauren Mallard was Lauren Sharp.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was haunted by Maya Kern.

Find out more at Mayakern.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb: At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.