10 - Feral Dogs

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official wokeast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley, along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season 2 official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Regret nothing

until it is too late.

Then regret everything.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Our top story today:

A roving pack of feral dogs has been terrorizing Nightvale for the past several hours.

The dogs have been described as mostly mutts, possibly pit bull mixes.

Witnesses say their apparent leader is the three-headed one wearing dozens of decorative service medals and chevrons.

Sheriff's Secret Police confirmed that the dog pack has already attacked a group of elementary school children this morning around 8 as they were getting on the bus.

Injuries were minor, as the children protected themselves ably with their school-issued nerve gas canisters and automatic pistols.

The dogs' motives are not yet known, although authorities believe it could be meth and or gang-related.

More on this story as it develops.

this Friday afternoon, the Parks Department will be spraying pesticide in all public park areas and in neighborhoods with dense foliage and predominantly Irish heritage.

Night Vale is making a strong effort to reduce the mosquito population and the dangerous diseases they carry.

Last year, mosquitoes were responsible for outbreaks of West Nile, influenza, panache, elephantitis, and Fanny Bryce approximation syndrome.

Please stay indoors from 1 p.m.

Friday to 10 p.m.

Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide, which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super epilepsy, and organ inversion.

The Parks Department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2100 years, which means we'll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time.

We just receive word from Wayne Tyler, Assistant Shift Manager at the New Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the dumpsters behind the library.

They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men, likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs.

If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous.

Also be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to 50 cents per day and, after 30 days, jaw mutilation.

The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times, but especially now.

The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body this spider is and what its intentions are.

Only that it is definitely there and is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones.

Let's go now to community health tips.

Listeners, Listeners, are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome?

Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome?

Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome?

Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome?

Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome?

Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you from carpal tunnel syndrome?

Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome?

That

would be weird.

Not to be judgmental, but it would be weird.

This has been Community Health Tips.

Listeners, we've just learned that the Drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals.

The Sheriff's Secret Police suspect the Feral Dog Pact to be responsible for the giant spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads, Gold Standard is our standard, and Read Your Constitution.

There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx noseglasses and a caption that reads Federalist Papers, but where Federalist is crossed out and toilet is written in red.

Actually, you should see this.

It's truly stunning.

All that with spray paint.

I'm impressed.

These guys are really good artists.

Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed and possibly rabid.

They are definitely libertarian street street artists, and that has police and city officials working double time to solve this problem.

If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please keep them to yourself.

We've also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly.

Let's have a look at the community calendar.

This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its bi-weekly Fireperson Appreciation Parade.

All of the town's firefighters will be riding through Main Street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Nightvale's history.

One of my personal favorites is the 1983 Earthquake Dust Fire, when Tremor-initiated

became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames.

Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and paper-mâché.

The fire department would like to remind Nightvale citizens that the parade is free.

and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.

On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.

Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts Court of Honor.

The BSA will name its first ever Blood Pact Scouts, the rank just above Eagle Scout.

So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank.

Well done, Frank and Barty.

Wednesday afternoon is the Citywide Fitness Fair at the Rec Center.

Last year's event was cancelled as it was held on the same day and time as the Fried Chicken and Cigarette Fair.

This year's event, however, promises to be a huge success as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from the intelligence group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices.

Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.

Friday is an oasis.

Only a metaphor for something unattainable.

A haunting dream of meaning for our lives.

But don't look.

Turn your head.

Your life is here.

Stay here.

You are alone.

You are so peacefully alone.

That's it.

Yes.

Good.

We've contacted the Night Vale Zoo, hoping to find out more information on how dogs behave in packs.

Perhaps these skilled animal experts could give us some insight into how to catch these dogs, or at least understand them.

Nightvale Zoo Director Emily Munton told us that all animals prefer tiny cages and and scheduled food pellet consumption, and that it didn't make sense that any animals would want to wander freely about town.

She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated, cloudless thunderclaps.

A reminder to anyone looking for fun on a budget today in Night Vale: it's free admission day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies.

As always, the museum features many fascinating permanent exhibits, including the cheap, pollution-free source of energy created by Nikola Tesla, multiple time machines, some of them not yet invented, and pocket calculators, which were outlawed by the city council 22 years ago for undisclosed reasons.

Along with that, there is a temporary exhibit displaying the many different, exciting, and extremely dangerous uses for lasers.

Be sure to splurge on the guidebook at the museum store as the exhibits themselves are entirely shrouded with thick burlap at all times and all explanatory plaques have been blacked out with permanent marker.

The Museum of Forbidden Technologies.

If you don't know about it, we may or may not have it.

And now a word from our sponsor.

You come home.

The lights are off.

You get an uneasy feeling.

Suddenly, the phone rings.

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Everyone owns a phone.

The phone is still ringing.

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How silly to think you didn't own a phone.

It rings again.

You smile and shrug and answer the ringing phone.

It is still dark.

Hello, you say?

They are waiting for you.

A whispery gender-indeterminate voice tells you.

It is your time, it says.

You turn on the light.

You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light.

Gosh, it was dark, you think.

Hello?

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You hang up, glad you remembered to buy Tropicana orange juice, at least.

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Also, you should get Caller ID.

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Really?

Tropicana.

This just in.

Two more school children were attacked by the wild dogs this morning near the playground at Nightvale Elementary School.

One of the boys was taken to Nightvale General with treatable leg injuries.

The other boy, we understand, was unharmed because he was a better boy and more loved by the angels.

We've also received confirmation that a handful of mangy curs broke into the senior center, stole their televisions, and made the internet stop working.

This has gotten out of hand, ladies and gentlemen.

We simply cannot live in fear for our safety because of wild dogs.

Allow me a brief editorial here, if you would.

First off, please have your pets fixed.

It's an inexpensive and quick process.

You can take your dog or cat to the Night Vale SPCA, to your local veterinarian, or to Big Rico's Pizza.

Rico studies taxidermy as a hobby, so he's happy to help out in whatever way he can.

Second,

many of these dog packs are formed by dogs that are not raised to be loved, but bred to fight.

Trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jujitsu to kickboxing to knife work.

This is simply unacceptable.

Dog fighting is illegal, cruel to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered.

But we are a strong, united community here in Night Vale.

We must stand up to violence.

Our town was founded by peace-loving, imperialist conquerors who, to escape taxation, overwhelmed a potentially violent race of indigenous people and founded this beautiful city on principles of family, fortitude, fence building, and friendly propaganda.

Let's not forget our long-standing town motto: we have nothing to fear except ourselves.

We are unholy, awful people.

Fear ourselves with silence.

Look down, Night Vale.

Look down and forget what you've done.

That is the motto of a determined, unified community.

And now,

the weather.

I know this.

This I know.

All that I have, all that is me, resides inside my poetry.

And every time I write a rhyme, it might be the line that sets mine free.

And also, I know that I don't know shit.

And the more I know,

the more I realize it.

I know that for all the pain I've cried, there's the exact same balance of joy on the other side of that coin.

Joined with the thinnest slip of membrane.

Same goes for crazy insane.

Truth and lie, answer and why?

Because I

know this.

This universe operates with a divine tuck of war.

Teeter-totter, bringing order and balance like the tide does the water.

Like I know that each wave rolls back to the sea, retreating from me into deep green eternity.

And I know that I am free.

Well, at least in my mind, if I wanna be.

I know that some things sound good to me in theory, but in point of fact, suck ass in actual practice, like communism

and pornography.

I know that it's impossible to really know where anyone is coming from, so who are we to judge them?

I know that some things are so dope they transcend their category, and it's important to see the glories in the ordinary.

Like I know that there's Nog Champa, and then there's all other incense.

I can't see putting Earl Gray up against any other tea.

Lashout, it's not not even on the same plane as other mascaras comparatively, and I know that there's RB, and then there's Otis writing.

I know that most things are much greater than the sum of their parts, and that that's the real definition of art.

Like, brownies are good, and so is whipped cream, but you put them together, and it's this whole fucking chemical other thing, like Lennon and McCartney singing harmony, like masturbating as compared to an orgy.

I know that everything within this surface glimpse of reality is infinitely simple and perfectly complicated and I know that being jaded and over it is way overrated

And that the colors of this world only seem faded in direct relation to the darkness with which your mind's eye is shaded

And you made it that way And you can choose to change your vision's prismic range today

And I know that you gotta help a friend who's down and I know that no matter where you end up

You're still from your hometown

And I know you gotta know how to listen to the sound of your own heartbeat in the dead quiet of night sometimes

And I know that can be so frightening, but I also know that the deepest darkness is always the most enlightening

And I know that fresh cold cantaloupe tastes like the perfect first kiss

And I know that Lao Tzu and Moses and Muhammad and Buddha and Jesus and all those dudes do some deep ass shit But I also know that we all hold the world's eternal truths in our hearts deepest pit.

It's because I know that we are made of the same stuff as the sun and moon, and far the star.

And all that we are is manifest energy.

And that we already have everything we could ever need if we could just begin to see clearly.

And I know that the world will continue to spin.

And I know that the world will continue to spin.

And I know that one day

you will let me in.

And we will begin to love in a fashion I couldn't fathom existed.

And we will laugh at the fact that we ever resisted this blissful togetherness.

And the sex.

Well, it'll be off the charts.

Cause we'll both be super freaky, but we'll be fucking from the heart.

Cause our loving will be a something where the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts.

Cause we're artists after all.

So, what else would fate have us make besides art?

And I know that outside of this space-time frame, we are one and the same.

We're a part, not a part.

So, I know I can wait patiently for it to start.

And far out I may seem to be, and maybe you see me as wacky, but baby, the fact be that I am a poet, and like all true poets do, I'm mainlining the spiraling spherical truth of the universe, turning it out

and into lyrical wholeness.

And I know this, and I know this.

This I know, this I know.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

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In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

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Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think Stranger Things meets Super 8, but in podcast form.

Search for the Void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Ladies and gentlemen, good news.

Mayor Pamela Winchell called a press conference moments ago declaring an end to our dog pack terror.

The mayor announced that the dogs were not actually dogs, just some plastic bags caught in the breeze that people mistook for wild dogs.

There are no wild dogs in Night Vale, she said, and if there were, they'd be sweet little dogs with big, meaningless eyes and tongues like fly paper.

The plastic bags, meanwhile, have been safely returned to the dog park from whence they came, and which is to remain unknowable and unremembered.

Journalists asked about the injuries and aftermath of this morning's dog pack-related crimes.

The mayor responded with a hollow stare.

She promptly shook the podium off its base and whispered through gritted teeth: Plastic bags.

Plastic

bags.

The Sheriff's Secret Police then then ethically kettled the pool of reporters, gently coercing them with pepper spray.

Most were taken away peacefully in handcuffs and black hoods.

Thank goodness it was all a misunderstanding.

Dear listeners, I don't want to say I told you so, but wasn't I right when I said we were a determined, resilient little town?

In the face of wild beasts, we did not crumble.

We did not back down.

We stood eye to eye with violence and it blinked first.

Stand proud, Night Vale.

Be afraid on the inside, of course.

You are, after all, your own downfall.

But stand proud against those predators that would harm your family.

And that is our show.

Thank you for listening, listeners.

Stay tuned next for the popular advice program, Dr.

Brandon.

This week, Dr.

Brandon offers a step-by-step on how to remove your own appendix without surgery.

The sky tonight is a soft, quivering green.

The wind is calm, but prepared.

Get your sleep, night veil, and don't forget to dream.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was I Know This by Rachel Kahn.

Find out more at rachelkahn.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and to see where our live show is these days.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

We couldn't make our show without it.

Today's proverb: eating meat is a difficult moral decision because it's stolen the meat.

You should apologize.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashmaner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.