9 - "PYRAMID"

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

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Weird at last.

Weird at last.

God Almighty, weird at last.

Welcome to Night Vale.

The Sheriff's Secret Police are asking the public's help in catching a dangerous fugitive on the loose in the Greater Night Vale area, they say he is armed and should be approached with extreme caution.

For everyone's protection, they are keeping the name and description of the fugitive secret, but indicate that all strangers should be mistrusted and avoided, as well as friends and loved ones, because

how well do you know those people anyway?

Are you aware of their location every second of every day?

Who among us does not have secrets?

The fugitive is wanted dead or alive, and vigilante justice is, as always, highly encouraged.

Our top story today.

A large pyramid has appeared in the center of the Beatrix Lohmann Memorial Meditation Zone, destroying over half of the zone's state-of-the-art meditation equipment and paraphernalia.

Experts have been contacted as to what could cause sudden pyramid existence.

However, as it turns out, there are no experts in pyramid materialization, and the town's other experts offered up merely shrugs, followed by panicked conjectures, and finally, screams and moans, all of which fell uselessly upon the city council's merciless ears.

The pyramid has been described as a kind of triangle shape, only three dimensional.

It has made no movement despite repeated taserings by the sheriff's secret police.

Many suspect that this may be a publicity stunt pulled by our own local cereal company, Flaky O's, who are launching their new line of nighttime only cereals next month.

An angry mob has formed outside of the cereal factory, just in case.

Telly.

You remember the deceitful barber with a shriveled soul who just a few weeks ago cut perfect scientist Carlos's perfect beautiful hair very short, so very,

very short, thus depriving our community of our only remaining pleasure.

Well,

Telly was seen recently wandering the sand wastes, howling at the sky and holding up Carlos's shorn locks, as though begging God to reverse the crime he has done.

Reports indicate that his skin was blistering, that his eyes were bleary,

and that he was recently seen trying to give a cactus a haircut, whispering and cooing into what he seemed to think was its ear.

Listeners, I am not one to stand aside harshly and say that a man deserves the punishment that comes to him.

But I also am not sorry to see Telly in this state given his crime.

In any case, if your cactus is in need of a haircut, try Telly, out wandering the sand wastes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must say that I am not a cat person,

but I have really grown to love Kaushik, the stray cat that has made his home here at the radio station.

I discovered Kaushik several weeks ago, hovering in a fixed location in the men's bathroom, and he's remained there ever since.

The men at the station, of course, have taken to keeping the sink at a light trickle so he can get water, and we even take turns buying science diet low-calorie cat food.

It turns out, little Kaushik is getting a bit chubby since he can't actually exercise in his unmovable, levitating state.

Oh.

And thanks to our new intern, Brad, we've finally solved the litter problem.

Brad is very excellent at both carpentry and dark magic, so he rigged us up a fine-looking litter box that our floating feline friend can reach.

Oh,

he's just adorable, that cat.

As a lifelong dog lover, I've really turned the corner.

Kaushik is wonderful.

I know several others here at the station that feel the same way.

After meeting Kaushik, Michaela, who works in sales, put her three-year-old Weimaranner to sleep and then adopted six tabby kittens.

She's that much of a convert.

Make sure to take some cute videos, Michaela.

And for others of you interested in getting a new cat, the Night Vale SPCA strongly recommends that you have your cat spayed or neutered, bring them in for their shots, and Once the cat reaches 18 months, begin using the little beast to harvest human organs for those just-in-case moments.

The SPCA has several one sheets on preventing heartworms and using pets to grow small replacement organs.

To get your copy, go online or simply make up your own informative facts.

An update on the pyramid reported on earlier

Word is in that the pyramid has spoken.

It is broadcasting on low wave frequencies a repeated message.

The message is the following.

I will place within some of you questions.

Within others I will place answers.

These questions and these answers will not always align.

The questions I provide may have no answers and the answers I provide may have no questions.

I will study the effects of these questions and these answers.

Some of you will hurt others and others will heal.

Grow my seeds inside you and let them flower.

The Flakey O's marketing department must be complimented.

for the best use of viral marketing in Night Vale since Stan's pawn shop released a virulent strain of Ebola back in 98.

And, as a communicator by trade, I applaud their ingenuity.

The Sheriff's Secret Police has responded with surface-to-surface missiles, which they say will silence the dark heart of the beast.

So far, they have not so much as created a smudge on the pyramid's broad, shiny surface.

Home handymen Fix-it vixens.

Ladies and gentlemen who love to get their hands dirty.

Let's talk about home repair.

Certain jobs are fine for the amateur, and certain others should be left to the professionals.

Leaky sinks, sticky windows, minor exorcisms, and bleeding doors, all these are the kind of quick fixes that a toolbox and a quick search on the internet should allow you to take care of.

On the other hand, structural damage, major remodeling, seeping darkness, major exorcisms, roof boils, and lawn care.

These are all the kind of work that should not be attempted by anyone without years of expertise and a valid hammer license from the city council.

Finding the right professional for the job is easy.

Just look in the yellow pages.

Or, head down to the squatter shacks by the edge of the sand wastes and ask around among the homeless.

And now a public service announcement from the Night Vale medical community.

Being in the desert, we get a lot of sun.

And doctors are encouraging Nightvale citizens to do regular skin checks.

You may think that freckle or mole is harmless, but you never know when it will grow into something much worse.

Surgeons at Nightvale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure.

Doctors describe these growths as 15-inch spiraled horns.

The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees.

Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip.

So, check your skin at least once a week in the mirror.

Dermatologists recommend a three-step process.

One,

search meticulously for 15-inch horns protruding from your body.

Don't overlook anything.

2.

If you find any suspicious growths, mark them with a chalk pentagon.

3.

Gently remove the affected skin area with a sterilized razor blade or similarly clean crafting blade.

If you are not one of the 53% of our community that was born without pain-sensing nerves, you should first consult your primary care electrolysist for tips on how to numb yourself to the nigh-unbearable pain of existence.

The Department of Public Safety announced that all street signs in Nightvale will be replaced with traffic cops wielding semaphore flags.

Drivers will be required to learn this physically expressive maritime alphabet.

This decision is not without its controversy, as the existing street signs are entirely in Braille.

One critic, Paul Birmingham, says removing these signs will deflate the Earth.

As a member of the Air-Filled Earth Society, Paul believes that Earth is a precariously inflated orb that could pop or sag.

at any moment.

We've got to stop teaching all this religious propaganda in our schools and start teaching real science, Paul shouted from his lean to behind the library.

I have to admit, listeners, he makes a valid point.

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Update on the Pyramid Situation

Flaky O's Board of Directors are vigorously denying, some of them at gunpoint, that they have any part in the pyramid that is stubbornly continuing to exist in our town.

They are sneaky ones.

I hope the new line of cereal turns out to be worth the hype.

Meanwhile, the pyramid itself has altered its broadcast, sending out a second message, which is as follows

Everything you do matters except your life.

Death will be the last action you undertake.

I do not live, but I exist.

What is my purpose?

I will not tell you.

One day you will discover your purpose, and then you will tell no one.

And then you will die.

Now, I'm not too good at this viral marketing thing, so I can't see all the codes and hidden web addresses that I'm sure are all through that message.

I'll leave that to all the dedicated amateurs out there in the listening world.

Sheriff's secret police are now attempting to charge the pyramid with resisting arrest on the grounds that they couldn't figure out how to arrest it.

More as the story develops.

In the meantime, let's go to the weather.

One day, the snow began to fall,

and slowly,

inch by inch, it covered up the earth.

Till finally,

the top of the tallest building

was lost beneath the powdered sea, as quiet as a shadow's grave.

We say

that the world

isn't dying.

We pray that the world

isn't night.

Just maybe

the world

isn't dying.

Maybe she's heavy with child.

One night, a woman took my hand.

I left my home and followed her into an icy beer.

When I wanted to go back, I lost the way.

So she beckoned to me to lie beneath the stone that always bore my name.

And we say that the world

isn't dying?

Do we pray that the world

isn't dying?

Just maybe

the world

isn't dying.

Maybe she is heavy with child

One morning we woke up in an alley

to the smell of urine, alcohol, trash, and gasoline.

With a dim sense of a notion, we'd held something in our hands

that was bigger than us or God, and we can never touch again.

And we say that the world world

isn't night.

And we pray that the world

isn't night.

And just maybe

the world

isn't night.

I've been looking at the symptoms for a while.

Maybe she is heavy with child.

children.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Well, listeners, it seems the pyramid has disappeared as mysteriously and suddenly as it arrived.

Too late, I'm afraid, for the Flaky O's Board of Directors, who have all been taken to the abandoned mine shaft outside of town for processing by the city council.

The sheriff's secret police are declaring victory in their standoff against the pyramid, because they say it's about time they won something.

Meanwhile, the pyramid has left behind a much tinier pyramid, a mere souvenir of its looming inscrutable mass.

This tiny pyramid is broadcasting one final message, a farewell from the geometric shape that stole our hearts.

So, let us wrap up our show today with its words.

Somewhere there is a map.

And on that map is Earth.

And attached to Earth is an arrow that says your name and lists your lifespan.

Some of you die standing, others sitting.

Many of you die in cars.

I

can never die.

It is difficult for me to understand the concept that I am attempting to convey.

I cannot show you this vision, but you may imagine it.

Step forward and tell someone of it.

Please.

You heard it here, folks.

Tell people.

Tell people about Flaky O's new line of cereals for nighttime only.

Do it in memory of its board of directors.

Stay tuned now for an hour of dead air with the occasional hiss and crackle.

Speaking of the nighttime, I truly hope you have a good one, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The messages from the pyramid were written by guest contributor Regis Locker.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.fancamp.com.

This episode's weather was Last Song by Jason Webley.

Find out more at jasonwebley.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome welcometonightvale.com to

or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as our various nightvale books, which are cool and contain stuff that is not in this show.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be super helpful.

Today's proverb, nice bolo tie is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.