8 - The Lights in Radon Canyon

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

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Silence is golden.

Words are vibrations.

Thoughts are magic.

Welcome to Nightmare.

Next Saturday is the big lottery drawing, listeners, right out in front of City Hall, and your community radio station has put together a few helpful tips for winning.

The lottery is, of course, mandatory, but how can you get the best odds for drawing a blank white paper and not one of the purple pieces that means you'll be ceremoniously disemboweled and eaten by the wolves at the Night Vale Petting Zoo and Makeshift Carnival?

I know to some of you young people, this lottery seems like a barbarous, outdated tradition, but if not for municipally planned citizen sacrifice each quarter, how else would we find satisfactory meats to feed those sad, scrawny animals?

So, here now are the three I's of playing the lottery.

I one,

identify,

learn to sense colors.

Purple has a grittier emotional aura than white.

I2.

Ignite.

Set fire to your home.

While it's not true that wolves refuse to eat arsonists, it's a scientific fact that they're unable to detect the presence of one.

I3.

Imitate.

If you happen to draw a purple piece, impersonate someone who drew a white piece.

You might be mistaken for a person who is colorblind.

This, of course, will lead to months of painful color re-education at City Hall.

But in most cultures, that's better than being eaten by wolves.

Also, make sure to visit the Food Truck Festival, which will be downtown as part of the lottery festivities.

Popular truck treats include Korean barbecue, vegetarian chili, and veal ice cream.

Carlos, this station's favorite scientist, no offense to Dr.

Dubinsky in the Night Vale Community College Chemistry Department, dropped by our broadcast location earlier this morning for a little chat.

Sadly, dinner or weekend plans were not among the topics.

However, Carlos did request that we ask listeners for anyone who saw a series of bright, colorful flickers coming from Radon Canyon this past weekend.

These flickers would have also been accompanied by unintelligible noises, possibly some form of coded communication or signal jamming technique.

Carlos suggested that there could be some very sinister forces at work here.

He declined to be interviewed live, claiming only that he was scared for us, scared for all of us in our strange town.

Then he drove away quickly in his economical but attractively sporty hybrid coop.

If anyone out there knows anything about these otherworldly lights and sounds, please contact us immediately.

Night Vale School Superintendent Nick Ford announced today that the Glow Cloud has joined the school board.

The Glow Cloud passed over the entirety of Night Vale several weeks ago, dropping small and large animal carcasses, controlling our thoughts and tertiary muscle groups, and erasing every last recording device.

We're still unsure the glow cloud even existed, as no one remembers it, nor has any digital record of it.

If not for a few intrepid citizens who used old-fashioned pens and pencils to record the event in their diaries, we would have no remaining knowledge of that day.

I, of course, can only only thank those journal writers anonymously here on the air, as the Night Vale City Council long ago banned riding utensils, along with margarita glasses and barcode scanners, and I don't want to get my fellow reporters in any trouble with the sheriff's secret police.

According to Superintendent Ford, The Glow Cloud's visit on that nearly forgotten day was simply an effort to find a nice neighborhood with good schools to raise a child.

Now what kind of progeny a powerful, formless cloud of noxious nightmares and spiritual destruction might produce?

I dare not even speculate.

But I do know one thing.

That little cloud is going to get one heck of an education in the Nightvale School District.

And isn't it heartening to hear that that little puff of despair's father or mother will serve on the school board?

I mean, no matter how good the school, a student can only get out as much as the parents put in.

We should all take such an impactful role in our children's scholastic lives.

Especially you, Steve Carlsberg.

You don't do anything except bring unacceptably dry scones to PTA meetings and take grammatically disastrous minutes on your shifts as meeting secretary.

Get it together, Steve.

Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member.

All hail,

kneel for the glow cloud,

sacrifice, pestilence, soars,

all

hail the glow cloud.

And now,

traffic.

This morning I saw a running man.

He passed by my home, panting, limping, running desperate.

I tried to stop him, but he would not meet my eye.

This noontime, I saw...

a running man.

He was coming down from the mountain holding a bag.

His knees were bloody and face covered in tears.

This evening, I saw a running man.

He was leaving town, legs pumping like a terrified heart.

I think he was missing a hand.

Is it that he wouldn't meet my eye or that he had no eyes?

Now I wish I could remember.

There are many things I wish I could remember.

This has been traffic.

New billboards have appeared all over town.

bearing the image of a turkey sandwich and the single word harlot in large block letters.

These billboards have caused some confusion, both due to their ambiguous message and to the fact that the entire structure of the billboards materialized overnight in places billboards are not usually constructed, such as the living rooms of local homes, the middle of busy thoroughfares causing multiple car accidents, and in one case, directly through a living dog, who has not appeared harmed by the addition to his body and has carried the entire billboard around town while going about his usual canine business.

The Department of Health and Human Services recently claimed responsibility for the billboards, saying that they were part of a campaign to promote nutrition and healthy living among children.

The original draft of the release also mentioned something about an offering to a long dead god, but this was altered to fun active lifestyles are important for kids of all ages in a subsequent addendum.

We are receiving several phone calls from listeners and from the parks department that those flickering lights and unintelligible noises we reported on earlier were coming from the pink floyd multimedia laser spectacular.

I contacted Carlos about this and he said that the situation is even worse than he imagined.

He again

did not mention weakened plans.

A sports scandal has shook our quiet little town.

The Night Vale Scorpions have faced multiple allegations of possible game tampering this football season.

Representatives for the Desert Bluffs School District, speaking in unpleasant and high-pitched voices indicative of weakness of will and character, complained to the Regional Football and Traffic Code Authority that Nightvale quarterback Michael Sandero's recently grown second head counts as a 12th man on the field, thus invalidating the wins brought on by his also recently acquired superhuman agility and strength.

The RFTCA said that they would look into these allegations with the utmost seriousness, along with their concurrent investigation into whether Nightvale's Vale's invisible crosswalk policy is actually a desperate bid to save town funds at the cost of pedestrian lives.

Meanwhile, the school board is due to announce its decision in their ongoing hearings as to whether appealing to angels for a win constitutes illegal game tampering.

Several angels agreed to testify at the hearings.

However, their testimonials were cut short when it became apparent that the hearings were actually elaborate traps set up by the city council to finally capture the angels, whom the council does not recognize as actually existing.

Fortunately, the angels easily escaped from their cages in a blaze of heavenly light.

presumably returning to Old Woman Josie's house, out near the car lot,

which has become something of an informal shelter for local angels.

When asked about the controversy over his team's winning record, coach Nasr al-Mujahib said, Our boys are good boys.

They're good boys at football.

We win them with the boys, the football.

Then he smiled vacantly, waved at no one, and wandered off in the direction of the woods.

More on this story as it develops.

And now a word from our sponsor.

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They'll even toast or poach it for you.

There are several subway locations in Night Vale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting.

And between now and November 30th, buy nine reverse colonics and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie.

Subway, devour your own empty heart.

Exciting news about the abandoned mine shaft outside of town where people who vote incorrectly are taken by the secret police.

HBO on demand will be made available to prisoners during their indefinite detention.

All your favorite shows, such as The Wire, Sex in the City, and even new hits like Game of Thrones, will be available in every cell.

Additionally, the secret police announced they will be randomly executing one prisoner a day until all incorrect votes are corrected.

This just in.

We're receiving word from the city council that there was absolutely not a Pink Floyd multimedia laser spectacular this weekend at Radon Canyon.

That there never was a Pink Floyd multimedia laser spectacular ever near Nightvale.

Pink Floyd is not even a thing, said the Council in a very stern but quiet statement just received by me here via phone.

The Council, and this is strange, the entire Council, not just a representative of the Council, the entire Council issued this statement, all speaking in unison just now over the phone.

That Night Vale citizens are prohibited from discussing any lights or sounds coming from Radon Canyon this past weekend.

And that they should just stop remembering Pink Floyd shows altogether.

The council reiterated that there is no way that they are huge Floyd fans privately using public funds on a laser-powered seance to talk hard rockin' classic jams with the ghost of original frontman Sid Barrett.

And that Sid wouldn't even say anything juicy anyway because he is such a gentleman and an artist.

This did not happen at all.

So, listeners, we urge you to look away from Radon Canyon.

Avert your eyes, ears, and memories from that which is no longer allowed you.

Comfort and distract yourselves with dense food and television programming.

As the old adage goes, a life of pain is the pain of life and you can never escape it.

Only hope it hides unknown in a drawer like a poisonous spider and never comes out again even though it probably will in unexpected and horrific fashion, scaring you from being able to comfortably conduct even the most mundane quotidian tasks.

Or, at least, that's how my grandparents always phrased it.

And now,

the weather.

Well, things change fast, but this too shall pass.

Better carve it on your forehead or tattoo it on your ass.

Cause who who can tell

when the clock strikes twelve if today's become tomorrow it's all just gone to hell my friend makes rings

she swirls and sings she's a mystic in the sense that she's still mystified by things but scared to ask

how can nothing seem to last because like a cancer in your body it all just goes too fast

We think too big,

we think ourself is one whole thing and we claim that this collection has a name, it is a being, but deep inside,

when every cell divides, well it sets upon the rule that state self-interest is divine and cancer too,

lives by this golden rule that you must do unto the others as the others unto you all for the best Because it's all that life accepts and so we kill it like a buffalo with awe and with respect

Just holler at the sky because she'll tell it to you plainly.

And the clouds that whisper by, and praise the shapes,

and then praise the way they change.

And they'll teach you not to pray to light without you.

Pray to rain.

So I pray to hands, I pray to knees,

and I pray to blades of grass to find forgiveness in the weeds.

But ask for help.

I just never did believe, and so I never prayed myself except to those that prayed for me.

the story goes

oh the way that I was told there was a king that always fell too high and then he fell too low and so he called

All the wise men to the hall and he begged them for a gift to end the rises and the falls.

But here's the thing

They came back with a ring it was simple and it was plainly unbefitting of a king engraved in black

well it had no front or back but there were words around the band that said just know this tomb shall pass

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie Sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah.

A.K.A.

Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeve or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Teddy Williams, over at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, has an update on the doorway into that vast underground city he found in the pin retrieval area of lane five.

He says that every window of the city is now glowing both day and night,

and he heard the shouts and footsteps of what sounded like an army marching upwards toward the world above.

He also said that, given that nothing really matters now, bowling is half off, and each game comes with a free basket of wings.

Mmm,

nothing like those desert flower wings.

Let me leave you with this, dear listeners.

We lead frantic lives, filled with needs and responsibilities, but completely devoid of any actual purpose.

I say, Let's try to enjoy the simple things.

Life should be like a basket of chicken wings.

Salty, full of fat and vinegar, and surrounded by celery you'll never actually eat.

Even when you're greedily sopping up the last viscous streaks of buffalo sauce from the wax paper with your spit-stained index finger.

Yes,

that is as life should be, Night Vale.

Stay tuned next for a special live broadcast of the Night Vale Symphony Orchestra performing Eugene O'Neill's classic play, The Iceman Cometh.

It is a good night, listeners.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dispirition.

All of it can be downloaded for free at disparition.info.

This episode's weather was This Two Shall Pass by Danny Schmidt.

Find out more at dannyschmidt.com.

Want to have your music featured in the weather section?

Want to contribute your talents to the show?

Just want to say hi?

Email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as our books on the unused story ideas of H.P.

Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up.

Today's proverb: We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl, a ghost.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.