6 - The Drawbridge

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Rabbits are not what they seem to be.

Welcome to Night Vale.

We've had some power outages reported throughout Night Nightvale in the last couple of hours.

If you're experiencing one, well then you can't hear me, can you?

The Nightvale Municipal Utility Department said that they are still working to determine the cause of the outages, which are roving back and forth across town in a continuous motion, like a great pacing beast.

Those whose neighborhoods have been hit by the outages reported the shriek of hawks overhead, and that when the lights came back on, they felt that perhaps they were different people,

their memories and identities the same as always, but suddenly felt like costumes that didn't fit exactly, as though it all were actually brand new to them, as though they had been switched out with someone who was exactly like them, as though all that was familiar would ever after be strange.

Keep some flashlights with spare batteries and a childhood childhood photo album by you tonight, just in case.

The revitalization of the Old Town Drawbridge experienced another setback this week as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation.

This week's collapse was the third in as many months.

Construction crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non-dairy creamer, and ceramic bowls.

Nothing has worked.

Engineers are asking for help in determining how proper bridge towers are made.

If you have any tips, please write them on notebook paper and mail them to BridgeMagic LLC PO Box 616.

Do not use cursive or long words.

Clearly labeled drawings are preferred.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again.

Time for our annual pledge drive.

Sorry to have to do this, but you know, Night Vale has a lot of community-supported radio.

And the thing about community-supported radio, it's supported by listeners like you.

as well as Guatemala and some Teamsters who are sometimes just too generous.

Any amount you can give will help us continue our community programming.

A dollar or two or even plasma.

Take WZZ, our local numbers station, broadcasting from that strange and tall antenna built out back of the abandoned gas station on Oxford Street.

Did you know that it broadcasts a monotone female voice reading out seemingly random numbers interspersed with chimes 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

As you can imagine, that kind of work doesn't bring in a lot of money, unless it does.

To be honest, here at Night Vale Radio, we don't know exactly what that station is for or what master it is serving.

But I do know that it is a vital part of this community and we should pitch in to help it.

We welcome your support.

Give us a call.

We don't have a number.

Just whisper, Forsaken Algonquinia, into your phone receiver and Angels or Facebook or something will deliver us an appropriate contribution from your bank account.

More on the drawbridge debacle.

It was turmoil in city headquarters this morning.

Following this latest in a long line of municipal failures, the city council has come under fire from concerned citizens for wasting taxpayer money on inefficient services that go over budget and over schedule.

One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, We don't even have a river or bay in Night Vale.

There would never be a boat to necessitate a drawbridge.

He continued to,

you know what?

Forget it.

I can tell you right now that that was Steve Carlsberg who said that, and he is such a spoil sport, that Steve.

Have you ever noticed how he never replaces his hubcaps?

It's laziness, pure and simple.

Laziness.

I just can't let him ruin our town by denying Night Vale a drawbridge when he can't even care for a tan corolla.

The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that, due to spiraling printing costs, they will be replacing the print edition of the paper with a special new imagination edition.

Editor Leanne Hart explains, Instead of confining our customers to the outdated modes of ink on paper, we are allowing them to choose the news that interests them by imagining whatever news they want.

This will not only save costs, but will allow customers to experience the news as a full color, full motion experience.

taking place in a mental world that is tailored to their needs.

Subscription to this edition will be compulsory and automatic and will cost a mere $60 a month.

This Friday at Night Vale High's Memorial Stadium, it's the annual softball showdown between the Night Vale Fire Department and the Sheriff's Secret Police.

Proceeds from the game will go to support development of nuclear weaponry for a strongly religious Indonesian militia that is looking to overthrow their heretical government, as well as to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

So, even if you don't like softball, come on out and support a couple of great causes.

Last year's game ended in a rout, as the secret police hit three home runs in the 8th and 9th innings.

The firefighters claimed that there was some foul play involved, pun intended, dear listeners, as their entire bullpin was assassinated in the middle innings with blow darts.

Those murders remain unsolved and completely uninvestigated.

Our hearts go out to the families of the deceased relief pitchers.

Rest in peace.

It should be a fun one.

Expect a real revenge-minded fire department to take the field on Friday.

Tickets are only $10

or $5 if you bring enriched yellow cake uranium.

Black helicopters will be mind scanning the town on game day, hunting down those who do not attend.

The first 500 fans receive surgically applied working gills.

Notice.

There is no digital staticky hum coming from the dog park, Mayor Pamela Winchell announced today.

The Mayor stressed repeatedly in her 90 second impromptu press conference that there is no unbearable, soul-tering sound that rips at the sinews of your very being coming from the dog park.

Mayor Winchell continued with a plea for all Night Vale residents to understand that there could not possibly be a deeply coded message emanating from a small fenced-in patch of municipal grass and dirt.

Citizens are not even supposed to be consciously aware of the dog park, so they could not possibly be receiving a menacing and unearthly voice instructing listeners to bring precious metals and toddlers to the dog park.

Dog park, she repeated.

That could never, ever be real, the mayor shouted, pounding the podium with her bleeding fists.

There were no follow-up questions.

And now a word from our sponsors.

And now, traffic.

There's a stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the Eastern Expressway just south of Route 800.

Commuters should have little delays as Highway Patrol is fiercely denying this report.

In fact, police representatives have just issued a statement claiming that there are no cars anywhere.

And what are you doing talking about them?

Talking silly lies, you you silly people.

There are no cars.

What is this fiction?

Oh, please, do you seriously believe for a second?

Wait, wait, you thought that cars were real?

The highway patrol continued.

Oh, that is rich.

All other roads seem clear.

Expect delays, of course, at the drawbridge construction site, because it is years away from being competently finished.

Here are this week's horoscopes.

Virgo, go see a movie today.

It's a great escape, especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation.

Say, is that mole new?

Libra, your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions.

Write them down.

Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there.

Scorpio, curse you.

Curse your family.

Curse your children.

And your children's children.

Vile, vile Scorpio.

Sagittarius.

Eat well today.

You've earned it.

And by it, I mean massive food allergies.

And by earned, I mean acquired.

I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud.

Let's try that again.

You've acquired massive food allergies.

Yes, much cleaner.

Eat well.

Capricorn.

Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.

Best not think about this again.

Aquarius.

The white ball will be under the middle shell.

Trust the stars.

Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.

Pisces.

You've won a brand new car.

Aries.

You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by.

Today's smell is wheatgrass and toast.

Taurus.

Today is your annual crime day.

All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.

Gemini.

You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life and who you will immediately forget.

Retain hope for a possible future.

Cancer.

I've got to pay my phone bill and also get some more milk.

That wasn't me talking.

That is what the stars say today.

Interpret it as you will.

Leo.

It's better that I don't read this aloud.

Better that you not know.

Tell your family you love them.

That has been this week's horoscopes.

Good news for radio-controlled airplane hobbyists.

Those unidentifiable black metallic trees that suddenly appeared by the library back in June and caused all airborne objects above 30 feet to catch fire?

Well, they've finally been cleared away as a new strip mall and parking lot are being developed.

The Night Vale Airport, local bird watchers, and that nice, epileptic couple who run the emergency services helicopter are just pleased as pleased can be about the news.

Several petitions, however, have cropped up from neighborhood improvement organizations.

Juanita Jefferson, head of one such organization, Night Vale or Nothing, said

Trees,

they are

us

Jefferson then paused for several minutes without blinking and whispered again

Trees

before collapsing into tears and loud moaning.

Jefferson was then taken by helicopter to Night Knightvale General Hospital, where she is reportedly in stable condition.

This morning, Jefferson's lawyer issued a statement saying, My client fully recognizes the irony of this helicopter trip, but she stands by her earlier pronouncement, trees, trees, they are us.

Meanwhile, I hear from trustworthy informants that there will be a pinkberry at the new strip mall.

Delicious.

This just in on Drawbridge Gate.

The city council said that in response to this week's collapse, they will increase the project budget by $20 million over the next 14 years, the new timeline for the bridge.

Money for these extra expenses will come from school lunch programs, a 65% hotel tax, and a $276 bridge toll, which will be discounted to $249

with EasyPass.

And now for a station editorial.

Large, expensive projects are not uncommon in Nightvale.

We are a patient but resilient little city.

We have big dreams, sometimes scary, unforgettable dreams that repeat on the same date every year and are shared by every person in town, but we make those big dreams come true.

Remember the clock tower?

It took eight years and $23 million to build.

And despite its invisibility and constant teleportation, it is a lovely structure that keeps impeccable time.

It's a classy signature for Night Vale's growing skyline.

Unlike that hideous sports arena Desert Bluffs built last spring, Desert Bluffs can't do anything right.

That's where Steve Carlsberg belongs.

God,

what a jerk!

And now, the weather.

a dump

Ayy

Yeah, all but

yeah, ayy A busy old sir, oh so dope but at the beginning of dope for the day E over your break the hoster Yavaka hung us a main poster and the mix hahata The mix was broken Look it in the game Love that in the game Has it gun so hard yes I dagger that it's a busy so hot yes I think it's the gay bus Low so see yes I think it's the gate Mother the big memo de bigny boy is new john F Yamas again and the boy and said the representative

ain't momenta the rep is on the line.

Pay the marketing ya cows on the line and the sign hey home the mother go sound the line.

Sonia pocket ya cousin the line when the girl felt the fair masa all the men you buy but fy any money get up and on the side of the cap Ayy

Try to shoot my mind when I die's this a nap

baby come and see Lama yourself

Ayya Brukla Petla

Brookla, pet la, yup, idereu.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Brook lau.

So cat to my answer,

I'm not afraid of the sky.

Proceeds with your heart with the sign.

And by the same

excuses, I'm be that a gut noise on fucking the button.

Mana spy mer, homie bechrima.

A shy need do you with the phone of Spider.

It feels the heart, such a black timer.

Honest benefit, yep, honest benefit.

Peace, but I do is it be, beat be sent.

Fans in the game, you gun a mani messer.

Represent the game, you gun a mani designa sigma for historical

historians.

Baby, the food moment when the under swap pop is pulling a lot of hand and then I'm in the back.

Ayy, ayy, yanimati dikatapanana s like a de cap.

Ayy, ayy, such a swoop my mind when I represent this nap.

Ay,

ay, baby, come a sea lama, yesa wada yap.

Ayy,

my brook lock, pet lock, yap the rain up.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Stomp, ay, ay, ay,

brook, la, pen, la, ya, eatereo.

Ay, a, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Stomp, ayy, ayy, ayy.

Ayy, big two stop the beat effer.

Want the people shines on the beat effer.

And a egg vote you misceed effer.

This ladja ohenchinit effer.

Mahanuko for my lada venet heban over my.

Lama fel lapen overma.

Want ik ben dos bracken

When you look into the shadows, do do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet Super 8, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Hey, it's

You're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Apparently, the Sheriff's Secret Police agree with me about old Steve Carlsberg, dear listeners.

We just received a report from a reliable witness that two days ago, Steve was whisked into the back of a windowless van only to reappear earlier this morning wearing thick head bandages and eating styrofoam shaped like an ice cream cone

I want to take this moment to thank all of you out there for all of the generous donations you may or may not be aware that you just made.

During this show, we have raised just a hair over $45,000,

which includes a $45,000 donation from a certain anonymous world leader.

I can't tell you who, let's just say, muchas gracias, El Presidente, Manodura Cabeza y Corazón.

Thank you again for your involuntary support of Community Radio.

We couldn't do it without the support of listeners like you in conjunction with unethical contributions from nefarious organizations.

And with that, I leave you alone with your thoughts, folks.

Stay tuned next for Zydeco Note by Note.

A special two-hour verbal description of what Zydeco music sounds like.

Buenos noches, night veil.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All that can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.fancamp.com.

This episode's weather was A by Dio.

Find out more at diomusic.nl.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and check out the other cool podcasts we make with Nightvale Presents.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would be amazing.

Today's proverb, lost, confused, lacking direction, need to find a purpose in your life?

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Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You'll kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.