5 - The Shape in Grove Park

Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

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Welcome to Night Vale.

Local historians are protesting the removal of the shape in Grove Park that no no one acknowledges or speaks about.

While their protest has been hampered by the fact that none of them will acknowledge or speak about it, they did, through a system of gestures and grimaces, convey the message that, whatever the shape is and whatever its effects on nearby neighborhoods, it is a nightvale landmark and should be protected.

The shape itself offered no comment, only a low moaning and gelatinous quiver.

The city council would not provide any reason for the removal, but did say that any work in Grove Park was making way for a new swing set, picnic area, and Bloodstone Circle, which we all can agree are good contributions to the community.

The Night Vale Green Market Co-op announced today that after 15 years, they will begin selling fruits and vegetables.

Green Market Board President Tristan Cortez said that recent customer surveys indicated that shoppers have grown tired of empty pickup trucks and vacant tents lining the City Hall parking lot every Sunday morning in the summer and fall.

Cortez said that research indicates consumers are more likely to buy products if they are available.

and for sale, and that green market and grocery shoppers tend to purchase food items.

Cortez said that the decision to sell food at the green market was a controversial one, as many board members and co-op shareholders feel fruit and vegetable sales will interfere with their ongoing secretive domestic espionage operations.

When reached for comment, our source within the secret police only breathed heavily into the phone while tapping an as-yet uncracked code into the receiver.

Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head.

It is not currently known whether this is a result of the previously reported lightning strike or just another odd coincidence in the kids' odd life.

People in the know say that the new head is better looking and smarter than the first one, and even Michael's mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public Which of my children I like best board outside her house.

Sendero could not be reached for comment.

Probably.

We didn't try.

Friends, listeners, there's a real tarantula problem here in Nightvale.

Many residents have called in to report that illiteracy, unwanted pregnancy, and violent crime are on the rise in the tarantula communities.

Animal Control is addressing these concerns through after-school programs called Teach a Spider to Read, Stop the Madness.

Those interested in volunteering should stand in their bathtubs and weep until it is all gone.

Nothing left.

You can let go now.

Let go.

Shh.

Let go.

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back to our regularly scheduled programming ladies and gentlemen the rumor mill is a buzz we've had a celebrity sighting in our little berg old woman Josie and one of her angel friends reportedly saw Rita Hayworth getting gas at the fuel and go over by the bowling alley.

Rita Hayworth, ladies and gentlemen, right here in Nightvale.

Can you believe it?

Old Woman Josie said Rita was looking a bit older, moderately obese, and considerably more Hispanic, but the angel assured her it was indeed Rita.

He is an angel after all.

He would know, right?

Wow.

Rita Hayworth.

Right here in Nightvale.

Just imagine.

Update on the shape formerly in Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about.

It seems the city council, in their superhuman mercy and all-seeing glory, have chosen to move the shape directly in front of our own radio station, where it is continuing to be what can only be described as indescribable.

The shape was not available for comment as I could find no one willing to speak to it or even meet my eye when I mentioned it.

It has occurred to me that I may be the only one able to see it.

Now that I think about it, I have also never bothered to actually check whether this mic is attached to any sort of recording or broadcasting device.

And

it is possible that I am alone in an empty universe, speaking to no one, unaware that the world is held aloft merely by my delusions and my smooth, sonorous voice.

More on this story as it develops, I say,

possibly only to myself.

The Night Vale Community Theater is holding auditions for its fall show, Once on This Island.

Interested thespians should bring a headshot headshot and resume to the Recreation Center auditorium on Thursday night.

All auditiones must perform a one-minute monologue and sing one song.

Bring sheet music if you would like piano accompaniment.

Auditiones will also be required to do a cold reading and give blood and stool samples along with mandatory radiation testing following the auditions.

Do not sing anything from South Pacific.

People of color are urged to audition as Night Vale Community Theater is an equal opportunity employer.

Also, actors with long-range sniper training, Fortran computer programming, and top-notch wilderness survival skills are a plus.

Final casting will be announced in secret via Dirigible.

No one can ever know.

Update on the green market situation from earlier in our broadcast.

Everything is exactly the same as when we last reported on it.

There is no new information.

Listeners, do you ever think about the moon?

I was sitting outside last night, looking at the moon, and I thought, does anyone actually know what that thing is?

Have there been any studies on this?

I went to ask Carlos, but he hasn't been seen much much since that treacherous Telly's vile haircut.

The moon's weird though, right?

It's there and there and then suddenly it's not.

And it seems to be pretty far up.

Is it watching us?

If not, what is it watching instead?

Is there something more interesting than us?

Hey, watch us, Moon.

We may not always be the best show in the universe, but we try.

This has been today's Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Speaking of which, the Night Vale School District has announced some changes to the elementary school curriculum.

They are as follows.

In response to parent feedback, history class will focus more heavily on textbook readings and traditional exams, rather than live ammo drills.

Geology is adding a new type of rock on the grounds that it's been a while since anyone has done that.

The new type of rock is Vimbi, and it is categorized by its pale blue color and the fact that it is completely edible.

Points will be awarded to the first student to discover a real-world example of it.

Math and English are switching names.

Their curriculum will stay exactly the same.

Astronomy will now be conducting stargazing sessions only with blindfolds on every participant, in order to protect them from the existential terror of the void.

Also, Pluto has been declared imaginary.

All classrooms will be equipped with at least one teacher physically present for the entire instruction period.

Astral projection will no longer be used in any classroom situation.

Finally, in addition to the current foreign language offerings of Spanish, French, and modified Sumerian, schools will now be offering double Spanish, weird Spanish, Coptic Spanish, Russian, and unmodified Sumerian.

And now a continuation of our previous investigation into whether I am literally the only person in the world speaking to myself in a fit of madness caused by my inability to admit the tragedy of my own existence.

Leland, our newest intern, recently brought me a cup of coffee.

He is no longer in my field of vision, but I do still have the cup of coffee, which is well made, and is giving me the needed pick-me-up to continue considering this terrifying terrifying possibility.

Is it possible that I only imagined Leland?

And forgot making myself this cup of coffee?

But then, who would have grown this coffee?

Where was this cup procured from?

Oh, Leland's back in the room.

He's waving at me.

Hello, Leland.

And he's saying, wait, what was that, Leland?

I see.

He's saying that the shape has turned a molten red and is causing small whirlwinds in front of our radio station doors.

There is apparently a sound of a great many voices chanting, as though it were an army giving out a battle cry before raining down destruction on our arid little hamlet.

Oh, he has stopped shouting and is now writing furiously on a piece of paper.

I have to say Leland's existence, as well as his finally speaking about the shape that no one else would speak about, has reassured me greatly greatly about my lonely and solipsistic vigil here at this microphone.

He is handing me the note?

Thank you, Leland.

Let me see here.

Ah.

It says that the city council believes the reason for the violent reaction of the shape formerly in Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about is because I have been acknowledging and speaking about it, which has made it angry.

They urge me to stop speaking of it and never do it again, and in exchange, they'll move it somewhere else so we can get our front loading zone back.

After brief consideration, I have decided to accept the council's offer because they are trustworthy leaders looking out for our better future, and also because Leland just got vaporized by a strange red light emanating from the station entrance.

To the family of Leland, we thank you for his service to the cause of community radio and join you in mourning his loss.

And, without further ado, nor ever again mentioning anything we shouldn't, let's go to the weather.

When I tell you that I love you, don't test my love.

Accept my love.

Don't test my love.

Cause maybe I don't love you all that much.

Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight.

Just stay awhile.

here for yourself a while.

And if you must put me in a box, make sure it's a big box with lots of windows and a door to walk through, and a nice hot chimney so we can burn, burn, burn everything that we don't like.

And watch the ashes fly up to heaven,

maybe all the way to India.

I'd like that

all the ancient kings came to my door.

They said, Do you want to be an ancient king too?

I said, Oh, yes, very much.

But I think my timing's wrong.

They said, Time is relative.

Or did you misread Einstein?

I said, Do you really mean it?

They said, What do you think we come here for?

Our goddamn health or something.

Everybody's waiting for the Messiah.

The Jews are waiting,

Christians are waiting,

also the Muslims.

It's like everybody's waiting.

They've been waiting a long time.

I know how I hate to wait.

Like even for a bus or something.

An important phone call.

So I can just imagine how darned impatient everybody must be getting.

So I think it's time now.

Time to reveal myself.

I am the Messiah.

I am the Messiah.

Yes, I think you heard me right.

I am the Messiah.

I was gonna wait till next year.

Build up the suspense a little.

Make it a really big surprise, but I could not resist.

It's like when you got a really big secret, you're just bursting to tell someone.

It was sort of like that with this.

And now that I've told you, I feel this great weight lifted.

Dr.

Nusbaum was right.

He's my therapist.

He said, get it out of Newpin.

I spent ten whole days in Jerusalem.

Jerusalem.

Sweet Jerusalem.

And all I ate was olives.

Nothing but olives.

Mountains of olives.

It was a good ten days.

I like olives.

I like you too.

So when I tell you that I love you, don't test my love.

Accept my love.

Don't test my love.

Cause maybe I don't love you all that

much.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Martha listens to her favorite band all the time.

In the car,

gym,

even sleeping.

So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live.

She saved so much, she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them.

Sort of.

You were made to scream from the front row.

We were made to quietly save you more.

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Hello, listeners.

In breaking news,

the sky.

The earth.

Life.

Existence as an unchanging plane with horizons of birth and death in the faint distance.

We have nothing to speak about.

There never was.

Words are an unnecessary trouble.

Expression is time wasting away.

Any communication is just a yelp in the darkness.

Ladies, gentlemen, listeners.

You.

I am speaking now, but I am saying nothing.

I am just making noises, and as it happens, they are organized in words, and you should not draw meaning from this.

The service for Leland will be lovely.

We will throw flowers and weep.

He will be buried in the break room as is the custom.

His family will come and moon about the coffee as though we have answers.

We do not have answers.

I am not certain that we even have questions.

I have chosen to not be certain of anything at all.

This is Cecil, generally speaking to you, metaphorically, for Night Vale Community Radio.

And I would like to say, in the most nebulous terms possible, and with no real-world implications or insinuations of objective meaning,

Good night, listeners.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Jerusalem by Dan Byrne.

Find out more at danburn.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as our touring Night Vale live show.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

You're a peach.

Literally.

Today's proverb: a million dollars isn't cool.

You know what's cool?

A basilisk.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashpiner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.