3 - Station Management

Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

And you click on store, we've got t-shirts, leggings, blankets, stickers, posters, mugs, bags, holiday carts, throw pillows, blankets, etc., etc.

Oh, ugly Christmas sweaters, whatever you need.

Even if you've been to our merch store before, it's different now.

We're constantly taking down old things and putting up new things.

So, if something looks pretty dope to you, get it soon because who knows if it'll be there for long.

I'm really right now, I just got a bunch of stuff.

I'm really enjoying my mutated vegetable tea towel designed by Jessica Hayworth, my University of What It Is sweatshirt, and of course, my Moonlight All-Night Diner coffee mug.

Plus, we have dozens more things for you or someone you love for the holidays or just on a lark.

Go to welcometonightveil.com and click on store.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday Season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season two official wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

The Arctic is lit by the midnight sun.

The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the earth.

Our little town is lit, too, by lights just above that we cannot explain.

Welcome to Night Vale.

The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that they will be cutting back their publication schedule to Monday through Thursday only, due to the economic downturn and a massive decline in the literate population.

The Thursday Daily Journal will now be called the weekend edition, and on Sundays, newspaper kiosks, usually filled with important news print, will be filled with 2% milk.

When asked, why milk, the journal's publishing editor Leanne Hart said, it is important that we maintain an unbiased approach to news reporting.

The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the new Night Vale Stadium.

next to the Knale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area.

The stadium will be able to seat 50,000, but but will be closed all nights of the year except November 10th for the annual parade of the mysterious hooded figures, in which all of our favorite ominous hooded figures, the one that lurks under the slide in the Night Vale Elementary Playground, the ones that meet regularly in the dog park, and the one that will occasionally openly steal babies, and for reason no one can understand, we all stand by and let him do it.

All of them will be parading proudly through Night Vale Stadium.

I tell you, with these new facilities, it promises to be quite a spectacle.

And then, it promises to be a vast, dark, and echoey space for the other meaningless 364 days of the year.

Here at the radio station, it's contract negotiation season with the station management again.

That's always an interesting time.

Now, obviously, I'm not allowed to go into details, but negotiation is tricky when you're never allowed to glimpse what you're negotiating with.

Station management stays inside their office at all times, only communicating with us through sealed envelopes that are spat out from under the door like a sunflower shell through teeth.

Then, in order to respond, you just kind of shout at the closed door and hope that management hears.

Sometimes you can see movements through the frosted glass, large shapes shifting around, strange tendrils whipping through the air.

Architecturally speaking, the apparent size of management's office does not physically make sense given the size of the building, but it's hard to say, really, as no one has ever seen the actual office.

Only its translucence.

Look, I've probably said too much.

I can see down the hall that an envelope just came flying out.

I pray it's not another HR retraining session in the dark box.

But what can I say?

I'm a reporter at heart.

I can't not report.

Oh.

My.

Let's go to the seven-day outlook.

Your daily shades of the sky forecast.

Monday, turquoise.

Tuesday, taupe.

Wednesday, robin's egg.

Thursday, turquoise taupe.

Friday, coal dust.

Saturday, coal dust with chances of indigo in the late afternoon.

Sunday, void.

The city council has asked me to remind everyone about the new drive to clean up litter.

Nightvale is our home, and who wants to leave trash all over their home?

Put it in the garbage can, listeners, and if you see any trash around, pick it up and throw it away.

Do your part.

Unless the trash is marked with a small red flag.

The council has asked me to remind you that any litter marked with a red flag is not to be picked up or approached.

Remember the slogan, no flag goes in the bag.

Red flag, run.

Listeners, We are currently fielding numerous reports that books have stopped working.

It seems that all over Night Vale, books have simply ceased functioning.

The scientists are studying one of the broken books to see if they can understand just what is going on here.

The exact problem is currently unclear, but some of the words being used include sparks, meat smell,

biting, and lethal gas.

For your own safety, please do not attempt to open a book until we have more information on the nature and cause of these problems.

The City Council has released only a brief statement indicating that their stance on books has not changed and that, as always, they believe that books are dangerous and inadvisable and should not be kept in private homes.

Another warning for Nightvale residents.

Sources say that the used and discount sporting goods store on Flint Drive is a front for the world government.

This is based on extensive study of the location and also because it has a black helicopter pad on which black helicopters regularly depart and land, fairly unusual for a used and discount sporting goods store.

We sent our intern, Chad, to try buying a tennis racket and have not heard back from him for several weeks.

This brings me to a related point.

To the parents of Chad the Intern.

We regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty and that he will be missed and never forgotten.

May you all feel blessed to have the family that you have.

And if you're looking for sporting goods, check out Play Ball right over by our own Night Vale Community Radio Station.

Play Ball is only a front for the Sheriff's Secret Police and so can be completely trusted.

Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, reported that a creeping fear came into Night Vale today.

He felt it first as a mild apprehension, then a growing worry, and finally a mortal panic.

It passed from him to the employees at the car lot, who crouched behind their cars and cast fearful eyes at the empty sky.

It did not affect Old Woman Josie, presumably because of her angelic protection, but it went from there to the rest of the town until we all were shivering in anticipation for a terrible thing we could not yet see.

I myself was frozen, sure that any movement would lead to death, that any word would be my last.

Of course, that also could have been the contract negotiations with station management and the hideous envelope I just received.

Also, I'm battling Lyme disease.

Meanwhile, the creeping fear passed, first leaving Larry Leroy out on the edge of town, and then the car lot, where they went back to offering gently used cars at affordable prices.

and finally the rest of us who could go back to living with the knowledge that at any given moment we will either live or die, and it's no use guessing which.

It is not currently known where the creeping fear will go next.

Hopefully, to desert bluffs.

It would serve them right.

Two hawkeyed listeners sent in reports that Carlos, our curious scientific visitor, was seen getting his beautiful, beautiful hair cut.

He was having his gorgeous hair shorn.

Cut.

Cut short.

So very short from his perfectly shaped, brilliant head.

Listeners, I am not one to gossip even if it is a local celebrity, but please explain to me why Carlos would strip away, decimate, any part of his thick black hair, not to ignore the dignified, if premature, touch of grey in the temples.

What treacherous barber should agree to such depravity?

Who takes mere money or even soulless joy in depriving our small community of such a simple but important act as luridly admiring Carlos's stunning coiff?

Reports from two intrepid sources are that it was Telly the Barber.

Telly, who likes sports and has posters of combs.

Telly the barber seems to be the one who betrayed our community.

Telly the Barber.

It is Telly the Barber at the corner of Southwest Fifth Street and Old Musk Road with the red and white spinning pole and the sign that says, Telly's.

Telly is about 5'9 with a small mustache and a thick pot belly.

He talks with an accent and sneers.

Telly the barber cut Carlos's beautiful hair, according to reports.

Telly

Now, while I gather myself, let's have a look at traffic.

Oh,

wow

Well, that looks pretty good.

Yep

Yes

Okay,

not too bad there either, I see.

Oh,

that gentleman needs to slow it down.

It is not a race, my friend.

Not a literal one, anyway.

That has been traffic.

And now for an editorial.

I don't ask favors much, dear listeners, that you know.

But I'm asking all of you now to conduct a letter-writing campaign to station management, which was not pleased with my discussion of their physical attributes and behavior, and is now threatening to shut down my show, or possibly, my life, for good.

Their wording was kind of ambiguous.

Obviously, we will not be able to deliver the letters directly to the management, per se, as no one has ever opened their door, but we can shout the content of the letters outside their office, and we presume, given an anatomy that includes ears, they will be able to hear what you have to say.

So if you like this show, and you want to hear more of it, then we need to hear from you.

Make your voice heard to whatever it is that lies in wait behind that darkened office door.

Oh, um,

I'm sorry, dear listeners.

We'll be back after this word from our sponsors.

This segment has been brought to us us by Big Rico's Pizza.

Listeners, we are proud to have Big Rico's as a sponsor of our show.

You will not find a better pizza joint in all of Night Vale than Big Rico's.

Just the other night, I stopped by Big Rico's.

I was in the mood for a delicious pizza slice, and since Big Rico's is the only pizza place in Night Vale that is not burnt to the ground in an unsolved arson case, and that I mentioned is also the best pizza in town, I ordered a single Rico slice with two authentic toppings.

And boy, was I satisfied.

The flavor was scrumptious.

The taste was also scrumptious.

And it was warm, the pizza slice.

I have been told that even the hooded figures eat there.

The wait staff look like they avert their hollow gazes quite a bit.

Even the city council offers its ringing endorsement of Big Rico's.

All nightvale citizens are mandated to eat at Big Rico's once a week.

It is a misdemeanor not to.

Big Rico's Pizza.

No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks.

No one.

And now,

sweet,

sweet listeners,

the weather.

We stop for peaches,

a little roadside stand.

The man said his name was Bill.

I said, I'm Chuck, and this is Annie.

He said, Annie was the one, only true love of his life.

And he met at his wedding, but by then he had a wife.

And it was during the reception

in the spring of 64

She, his newlywed's best friend, followed him out the ballroom door.

Maybe his ring got smaller.

Maybe his fingers swelled.

Maybe he'd made a big mistake.

Maybe time would tell.

Bill asked if you would I feel

And then he said I do

Bill was at a loss Wondering now what should he do

He did what he had to

He'd just taken a wife

She would take good care of him for the rest of her life

Bill and Annie fought the urge.

They saw each other often.

She was there in black, but they Bill's wife lay in her coffin.

By then, she'd gotten married.

By then, she'd moved away.

She'd asked Bill for his blessings,

but said it was okay.

Bill said, taste the peaches,

cut us each a slice.

They were a little on the small side.

They sure tasted nice.

Do you think I did the right thing?

Bill asked, though I knew he knew.

So I answered with a question.

Asked him, Bill, do you?

He said, Annie, pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Chuck.

And Annie and I we drove away

in Annie's pickup truck

with a box of 20 peaches

and a homegrown tomato too

and a couple of things to think about and every now and then I do

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet Super Eight, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you, lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com, to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Hello, radio audience.

I come to you live from under my desk, where I dragged my microphone and I'm currently hiding in the fetal position.

Did you write letters?

And you should not do this anymore.

Station management has opened its door for the first time in my memory and is now roaming the building.

I don't know exactly what management looks like, as that is when I took cover under my desk, and I can only hope that they are not listening to what's going out right now, or else I may have sealed my fate.

I can hear only a kind of clicking footstep and a faint hissing sound, like releasing steam.

An intern went to see what management wanted and has not returned.

If you are related to Jerry Hartman, afternoon board operator at Night Vale Community Radio, I'm sorry to inform you that he is probably dead or at least corporeally absorbed into management permanently.

Jerry and Chad, the interns, will both be missed, but we will surely see them in the Thanksgiving Day Dead Citizens Impersonation Contest, which this year will be in the employee lounge under the Night Vale Mall from 11 a.m.

to 9:45 p.m.

There will be a cash bar and two twister boards.

I'm going to see if I can make a break for the door.

If you don't hear from me again,

it has truly been a pleasure.

Good night, Night Vale,

and goodbye.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Bill and Annie by Chuck Brodsky.

Find out more at chuckbrodsky.com.

Comments, questions?

Email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as info about the various nightvale books.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would help us a bunch.

Today's proverb: there's a special place in hell.

It's really hip.

Very exclusive.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat, and also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.