4 - PTA Meeting

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye!

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The sun has grown so very,

very old.

How long cold fading death?

How long?

Welcome to Night Vale.

Our top story: Last night's Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in space-time split open in the Main Street Recreation Center auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons.

The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester and then slowed down and amped up through some kind of open-source, easy-to-use audio editing software.

The pteranodons mostly attacked women with glasses.

Authorities are still unsure why, as Nightvale's only flying dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year's bout with throat spiders.

It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the vortex and resume the meeting.

which had mostly been about recent lunchroom price hikes and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Willman called Diane Creighton's son Josh a bit tubby and that maybe he needs a financial incentive to eat a bit less.

In this reporter's opinion, Susan Willman is dangerously obsessed with the New York Times' best-selling Freakonomics books.

Dangerously so.

Fortunately, No one was injured or killed in the incident.

Although experts from Timothy's Auditorium Repair Contractors Inc.

estimates close to $750,000 in damage has been done to the Wreck Center Auditorium, and that cost includes free storm windows and a complementary seasonal insulation consultation.

It's election season again, and you know what that means.

Sheriff's Secret Police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct council seats and there's no confusion.

These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town.

But don't let the name fool you listeners.

It's been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the abandoned mineshaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-size beds, free Wi-Fi, and HBO.

Also, torture cubicles, but I don't think anyone's going to make the council use those.

Remember, this is America.

Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again.

This message brought to you by the City Council.

The Night Vale Daily Journal today announced that due to the recent economic downturn, they will start running ads on the front page.

Any business interested in running one of these platinum premium ads should contact editor Leanne Hart.

Hart mentioned that they have also created a write-your-own news story program for interested citizens.

Because every writer has been laid off, the Daily Journal now needs these community contributions to supply Nightvale with important news and features.

The first Platinum Premium ad runs next Monday and features the terrified face of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone-sharpened to a rough point and the tagline, Better use Tide.

Hart also said that last year's explosion that decimated the Daily Journal's distribution plant is still totally an accident and would like her insurance rep to call her back.

Please, call

her

back.

This just came across the wire.

The secret police have issued a new statement shedding more light onto last night's PTA meeting incident.

The noisy portal and subsequent dinosaur attack that brutally interrupted discussion of swingset repairs on the elementary school playground stayed open long after Recreation Center employees thought they had rounded up all of the ancestral avian beasts, and authorities warn there is still at least one more pteranodon on the loose.

Citizens should cover themselves with a low SPF sunscreen and hide in a tiled bathroom.

Several curious handball players in the court next to the auditorium actually popped their heads into the portal just to see what was on the other side of the vortex and came back dramatically changed.

The players aged several thousand years in what bystanders experienced as only a few seconds.

Those handball players now straddle the unenviable border of millennially wizened and cripplingly insane.

Since psychological and emotional damages are no longer considered valid claims by the greater medical insurance community, we are still reporting zero injuries.

We'll update you as further details surface in our special ongoing and very special coverage of Pteranodon Attack Gate.

Are we safe safe from dinosaurs?

No way.

City Council has asked me to read the following message.

If you notice strange auras around any of the following objects in your house, blender, shower head, dog,

husband, wife, table, chair, doorknob, baseboard, vacation souvenirs or photos, collectibles of any kind, especially those depicting or involving horses, DVDs, especially cliffhanger, there's something about Mary, and the wire fourth season, and any bagged lettuce from California or Mexico, please report to the council for indefinite detention.

Speaking of the city council, it voted this week to remove the large lead-plated door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon.

You know, the area pulsing with green light and Soto Voce Basso humming.

Proponents of the measure called the large yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out, Danger, Plutonium, Do Not Open Door, Risk of Death.

were, at worst, an offensive eyesore and, at best, a hacky sci-fi cliché.

Many Nightvale citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several angels.

Although, no angel is admitted to have been present for the city council meeting or any other event ever, for that matter.

Old Woman Josie agreed with the measure, adding that lead is a health hazard, and that the old door was nothing but a ticking time bomb.

According to the meeting minutes, Josie said,

that old door, oh that door,

someone's gonna get some kind of lead poisoning.

Carlos, beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks, reportedly was the only dissenting voice.

But it is not clear he actually opposed the measure as the minutes only report him stating, there is no time, no more time, into a black rectangle in his hand and then running, winded, from the community hall.

According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect and smelled of lavender chewing gum.

More breaking news on the pteranodons.

We humbly offer the following retractions from our previous reports.

Secret police are now reporting that the offending beasts were not pteranodons after all, but pterodactyls.

Also, pteranodons aren't even dinosaurs as this station previously stated, just winged reptiles that lived about 70 million years after pterodactyls.

Finally, earlier we reported a death toll of zero, when, in fact, the number is closer to 38.

We regret these errors.

It's almost football season and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title.

But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine.

Coach Nasr al-Mujahid told reporters he's particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sandero made during the offseason after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed René Descartes.

But if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy.

Last year, Sandero only completed two out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy and because his throwing hand had been removed due to several overdue library books.

Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sandero of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he's ready to take on Desert Bluffs, which is probably

the worst team ever.

God,

they're dreadful.

And now, an editorial.

Let's talk for a moment about apartment building etiquette.

Now I myself live in an apartment building, and there is a compassion and acceptance you have to have for a certain level of annoyance.

It's people in close proximity to each other, and so there will be some things that you don't like and still have to let go.

But other things are absolutely unacceptable.

For instance, a certain level of strange radiating light or heat on shared walls is expected.

But any oozings or visible membranes are rude and thoughtless to all of your neighbors.

Gibbering, howling, and chants in long dead languages are the kind of thing that is fine at 1 p.m., but absolutely not fine at 1 a.m.

We are all in this together.

Put your trash in the cans, not in the hallway leading to the cans.

Put on some clothes when standing in front of your windows, and keep any rituals or crazed experiments to hours in which no one is trying to sleep.

It doesn't have to be hard.

We have a very unexpected treat today, dear listeners.

Live in the studio, we have one of the mysterious hooded figures often seen around town.

We did not actually invite him here.

He just was waiting for us when we unlocked the studio this morning.

He has not moved nor spoken since then.

And I'll be honest, I am only guessing that he is a he, because physical attributes are hard to determine under these robes, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as empty and as black as the void of space.

But hey, we're doing radio.

He's in a radio station.

Let's see if we can get an interview.

Mr.

Hooded Figure, how are you doing today?

Ah,

okay.

Care to comment on the recent expansion of the Forbidden Dog Park?

Any comments at all?

Anything you'd like to tell the ordinary folk of Night Vale about your organization?

Listeners, I'm sure you can hear this.

It's not a problem with your radio or our transmitters.

The hooded figure is making those noises in our studio.

It's pretty deafening, actually.

Alright, I don't think he's going to stop, and he's started to levitate.

So, let's go to the weather.

Now, I'm thinking, maybe

I was stoned.

I felt my feet lift off the ground,

and my heart was screaming

at my bones.

I need you close

as he's in the middle of the street.

Then I pretend he's mine

to keep.

Cars are running fast on both sides

of his head.

His eyes ache.

Closer

closer, closer.

I met him when the sun

was down,

the bar was closed.

We both have had

no sleep.

My face beneath the street lamp,

it reveals what it is.

Lonely people

see

closer, closer

closer, closed

when you're close

enough to lose

close to the point

where you know that your mind

it cannot

choose

close

enough to lose

close enough to

lose

your

heart.

Now I'm thinking,

maybe

I was stoned.

I felt my feet

lift off the ground

and my heart was screaming

at my bones.

I need you close

closer, closer.

You met me when the sun

was

down

and the bar was closed.

We both have had no sleep.

My face beneath the street lamp,

It reveals

what it is

you lonely people

see

Closure, closure

Closure,

closure

Then you're close

enough

to lose

close to the point

where you know

that you're a mind

it cannot

choose

close

enough to lose

close enough to

lose

hear

your

heart.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

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You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of Kraken Rum.

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Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word from Secret Police that the rip in space time that opened at last night's PTA meeting has been sealed at last.

The final missing pterodactyl has been returned to its own timeline in either prehistoric or alternate universe night vale.

The creature's lifeless body was found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of all flesh, and with most of the organs inverted and strung around its exposed skull, like an old-fashioned soft meats crown, as worn by the 18th century religious leaders who settled our fair berg.

The dinosaur's body was returned to the vortex, the gateway closed, and the PTA meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6 p.m.

That meeting will continue to address the important issue of backpacks and whether or not they are causing autism.

There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents and teachers who lost their lives in the attack, followed by a raffle.

Remember, winners must be present at the time of the drawing to claim their prizes.

City Council and secret police have issued a reminder that nightvale citizens of all species and all geologic eras are not to enter, look at, or think too long about the dog park.

This reminder, they say, is completely unrelated to anything that may or may not have happened today.

Coming up next, stay tuned for our one-hour special, Morse Code for Trumpet Quintets.

And listeners, Night Vale is an ancient place, full of history and secrets, as we were reminded today.

But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life and of us.

If you can hear my voice speaking live, then you know

we are not history yet,

we are happening now.

How miraculous is that?

Good night, listeners.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was closer by the tiny.

Find out more at thetiny.net.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as amazing and weird nightvale stuff you can buy.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

It's what keeps this show running.

Today's proverb.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

I don't know, but I trapped it in my bedroom.

Send help.

Trip Planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Nightvale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lovelin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.